Chapter 49
Jess blinked her eyes open. She was in Jay's spare bedroom. And it was her wedding day.
That would explain the strange mix of anticipation, dread, and guilt. She took a shaky breath. She shouldn't do this. She shouldn't marry Adam, tie him to her and all her problems. He deserved—
There was a knock on the bedroom door.
"Yeah," she said, thankful her voice wasn't shaking as bad as her hands.
Jay opened the door. "Morning."
Jess pushed herself up to sitting.
"You ready?"
No. Yes. She huffed out a sigh of frustration. She wanted to marry Adam. More than anything she had ever wanted before. But—
"Erin's stopping by Dad's to get your dress and stuff."
Jess nodded. She hadn't argued when Jay had suggested she come home with him after the bachelor/bachelorette party last night. She knew he was doing it to try to keep her steady, make sure her nerves didn't make her do something stupid like go find a dealer, ensure that she didn't have to face a run-in with their dad.
"Have you talked to him?" she asked. She tucked her hands under the covers to hide the trembling, staring down at them, acting like whatever Jay answered didn't matter.
"Will called Dad this morning."
When Jay didn't offer anything else, Jess risked a look at him. His jaw was locked, but he gave her a smile. "He loves you, Jess. He's worried about you getting married after all you've been through. This is his way of showing it."
"So he's not coming," she said woodenly.
Jay hesitated, then shook his head so slightly she could have missed it if she hadn't been expecting it.
Jess bit her lip and looked away, hating the tears that stung her eyes painfully.
Footsteps sounded down the hallway.
"Is she awake?" came Will's voice. Then her red-headed brother appeared in the door next to Jay.
"I told her you talked to Dad," Jay said under his breath.
Will took in a breath, then crossed to Jess. He sat down on the bed next to her. "Hey, you don't need Dad to give you away," he said. "You've done so much on your own. You got yourself through Afghanistan, back home, got yourself cleaned up, got a job with the CFD…"
Jess nodded, trying to believe what he said. But the thought of walking down the aisle alone, with no one but Jay and Will on her side of the church, everyone staring at her, wondering what Adam saw in her…Adam's family and their disapproving looks…
She couldn't breathe.
"Hey," Jay said, coming to her other side so she was framed by her brothers. "Take a breath." He shot a look at Will and muttered to him. "Nice work, Will. Make her feel like she's alone."
"That's not—" Will turned from Jay to Jess. "That's not what I meant, Jess."
Jess managed to get a breath. She had to get it together.
"You're not walking down the aisle alone," Jay said firmly.
Jess shook her head. "Don't—" She struggled to get the words out. "Don't call Dad. Don't make this worse."
Jay shook his head. "I'll walk you down the aisle." He glanced at Will. "We both will."
Will was nodding, meeting her eyes. "Yeah. We've got your back. We always will."
#
Jay and Will had managed to get Jess breathing again, forced some food into her, then Sylvie, Erin, and Natalie were there to pick her up.
She saw Jay say something to Erin, Erin nod in understanding with a look of concern toward Jess.
Great. She was clearly doing a great job of convincing everyone she was fine.
Sylvie looped her arm through Jess' and waved to Jay and Will. "We'll see you at the church in a few hours."
Jess managed a few words during the drive to the salon. She even managed a smile when they got there. Natalie and Erin exchanged looks when Jess put her hand on the table for her manicure. It shook so badly the poor manicurist could barely get the pale pink polish on.
Sylvie pulled up a chair next to Jess. "Is this just nerves?" she asked quietly, rubbing Jess' arm lightly, her own freshly manicured nails a deep red.
"It's…everything," Jess said.
Sylvie's face was sympathetic, her eyes gentle. "Take a breath," she said, echoing Jay's words from earlier.
Jess sucked in some air.
"Just think of Adam. Not the wedding, not the nerves, or needing a fix. Just think of tomorrow, and waking up next to your husband."
Jess nodded, kept nodding, telling herself to think of that. Think of tomorrow, a lifetime with Adam next to her.
She was able to sit still long enough to get her hair done, say the right things to Erin and Natalie. She made it back out of the salon and to the church where Erin had stopped by earlier and hung her wedding dress in the room she would get ready in.
Erin unzipped the bag that held Jess' dress. Natalie took it off the hanger and brought it to Jess.
Jess put it on, let them turn her around to see herself in the mirror.
"Jess," Erin said. "Open your eyes. You look amazing."
Jess forced her eyes open. She looked like a bride. Like someone who could walk down the aisle and marry Adam with a happy smile on her face and no guilt knifing through her.
It was a lie.
Jess tried to think of Adam. Think of what she had to look forward to. But then she started thinking of what Adam had to look forward to. A bride who could barely make it through the wedding.
"Jess?" Sylvie asked.
The tremors were taking hold of her entire body. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't—
"Jess," Natalie said. Then to someone else. "Get a chair, she's going to pass out."
The edges of her vision blurred, then faded to black. The black started to take over and Jess couldn't stop it, wasn't sure she wanted to stop it.
#
Adam jogged up the steps to the church, whistling, Kevin following him. He wondered how Jess' morning was. Erin had said something about getting their nails done, a hair appointment for Sylvie and Jess. He had shaved, thrown on his tux and made it to the church with Atwater. Getting married was easy.
A smile crept across his face. It was easy when you were marrying the right person. And there was no doubt that Jess was the right one. There never had been.
He entered the Catholic church that Jess and her brothers had grown up attending, turned to go down to the basement where he was told he and Kevin could wait until it was time for the wedding. He saw a few guests in the sanctuary and his pulse kicked up a notch. It was almost time to get this deal done and have Jess at his side for the rest of their lives.
He saw a room with a sign labeling it for the bride, heard a commotion in there and paused. Sylvie had given him strict instructions the night before that he wasn't allowed to see Jess before the wedding.
He heard Natalie's voice, but couldn't make out the words. She sounded like she was giving orders.
He paused at the door, debated knocking.
"Didn't Brett threaten permanent damage if you saw Jess before the ceremony?" Atwater asked.
Adam lowered his hand. He listened to the voices inside, they sounded worried.
"Probably best if you don't go interrupting a hair emergency or whatever they got going on in there," Kevin said.
Adam hesitated, then nodded. He went with Kevin to the room they were supposed to wait in. He pulled out his phone and sent Jess a text.
I love you.
#
Jess didn't pass out. The panicked breaths turned into tears rolling down her cheeks. Then her freshly manicured fingers digging into her palms, convulsive sobs shaking her.
"I'm going to go find Jay," Erin said from somewhere behind her.
Jess shook her head quickly. Not Jay. Not Will. She couldn't let the see her like this.
Sylvie stood. "Just stay with her," she said. "I'll be right back."
Erin knelt down next to her. "Jess, you need to take a deep breath."
Jess needed to get out of there. She needed to get out before Adam was trapped with her—
"Whoa, what's going on?"
Adam's voice stopped her from standing up. Jess squeezed her eyes shut, burying her face in her hands.
"Hey, it's ok." She could feel Adam kneeling down in front of her, his warm hands on her shoulders, tucking loose strands of hair behind her ears, trying to figure out what was wrong.
"Darlin', you've got to talk to me, tell me what you need."
She felt his hands gently circle her wrists and tug her hands down from her face. Jess looked into Adam's eyes, worried about her. Tears ran down her face and she tried to take a shuddering breath. He shouldn't have to worry about her.
He glanced over his shoulder, at the door Sylvie was closing behind her. "It's just you and me," he said. "Tell me what's going on."
Jess tried to pull away, but Adam held her hands and wouldn't let her.
A stricken look came across his face. "You don't want to marry me," he said. He looked like his entire world was about to fall down on him.
"No," Jess said quickly, the look on his face like a slap. "No, that's not…Adam, I want to marry you more than I've ever wanted anything. I love you." She squeezed his hands, as if it was the last time she would ever hold him.
The panic left his face, replaced by lines of concern. "Then what is it?"
"I can't do this to you," Jess said, the words dragged out of her on a harsh whisper.
"Do what?" Adam was clearly lost.
"Marry me." The words were so quiet the almost didn't make it to Adam, hanging in the air between them.
Adam reeled back in shock, sitting back on his heels. He blinked at her. "You…can't marry me because that would be some sort of…punishment for me? Because you love me?"
She had almost nothing left in her. Once she said this, she would be an empty shell, but she had to do it for Adam. "I love you, and I don't want you to make a mistake." It was only her love for Adam that gave her the strength to tell him the truth. "I don't want you worrying about me and..and trapped with me, tied to me…I love you too much to do that to you, Adam." She needed him to know that above all else. "I love you."
Adam let out a breath that almost sounded like a laugh of disbelief. It was that sound that held Jess still.
He took a breath, searching her face, then leaned forward, trapping her face between calloused palms.
"Jess Halstead, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." He pinned her with a look, held her eyes with his and she couldn't look away. "You're willing to throw away everything that makes you happy because you think that would be best for me? That tells me exactly how much you love me. And, Darlin', this isn't a one-way street. You worry about me, about my job. You were in the hospital with me, taking care of me. You were with me when I had to deal with my family. I'm marrying you, Jess."
She listened to every word, let in sink in. She trusted Adam with everything, her heart, her life and it was that trust that made her believe him.
"I don't think…I can't," her breathing was slowing, but she still couldn't get the words out. She looked at Adam.
"We don't have to go out there," he said. "Whatever you want."
And it was like a weight, one that had been slowly pressing down on her for weeks, crushing her, cutting off her air, was lifted. By Adam's assurance, by his understanding.
"Hang on," he said. He went to the door, opened it and spoke quietly to Sylvie, then came back to Jess. He took her hands again, and this time, helped her to her feet. For the first time, he looked her over.
"Wow," he breathed.
Jess caught her lower lip between her teeth, felt the heat start in her cheeks.
"Oh, we are definitely getting married right now," he said.
#
Adam didn't let go of Jess' hand. He wasn't sure he could. Knowing that she had been doubting this, doubting them, for weeks was a sobering reality. But he wasn't going to make that mistake again. He wasn't going to let her doubt how much he wanted—needed—her, ever.
There was a light rap on the door and Otis stuck his head in.
"Hey, uh, Brett said you needed me?"
Adam nodded, motioned him into the room. Otis' suit was a throwback to…well something else. Its wide lapels may still be in style wherever his family hearkened back to in the Soviet bloc.
"Oh, wow, Halstead," Otis said, giving Jess a smile. "You look…wow."
"You're licensed for weddings, right?" Adam asked, needing to get Jess' doubts eradicated. He needed her and he needed her to know that. "You did that Star Wars wedding or whatever for your friends?"
"Star Trek," Otis corrected him. "But, yeah, I got ordained to officiate weddings in the state of Illinois."
"Good," Adam breathed out. He gave Jess a gentle tug, pulled her so she was facing him and looked over at Otis. "Start officiating."
"What?" Otis' confusion and Jess' disbelief came out in unison.
Since he wasn't marrying Otis, Adam ignored him and looked down at Jess.
"Look, if you want to walk out there and go through all the motions again with our friends and family, we can. But this is about us. About me and you. So if it makes it easier for you, we get married right here. Just us."
He had already seen the worry and tension fall away when he promised he loved her. But, now, pure relief flooded her face. She nodded, taking his other hand in hers and gripping them in a sure grasp.
"Oh, uh, ok," Otis said. He cleared his throat. "Ok. Um, dearly beloved…um…"
Adam slanted him a look. "We just need our vows."
"Right. Ok." He cleared his throat again. "I, Adam Ruzek…"
"I, Adam Ruzek."
"Take you, Jess Halstead…"
Adam didn't hear Otis anymore. He looked at Jess' blue eyes. Clear and trusting. Promising she would love him forever and Adam knew exactly what he needed to say.
"I take you as my wife. To have and to hold, to never let you go and to trust you to hold onto me just as tight. For better, like now. For worse, like we've been through. For richer, and only for richer, because you make my life rich. In sickness, from bombings or drugs. And in health, because we will hold each other up and keep each other in full health. For as long as I live."
Jess stared up at him. "Me too," she whispered. She stood up on her tiptoes and found his lips. Adam pulled her close, his hands running across the silky material of her dress to keep her close to him.
From somewhere nearby, he heard Otis say, "Uh, I guess you may now kiss the bride. I now pronounce you husband and wife."
#
Jay didn't know what was going on. Just that Jess had needed a minute with Ruzek. Erin had assured him that Jess was fine, just nerves, but she didn't look like she believed that herself. He kept going to the door to the bridal room, only to have Will shoot him a look, and then Jay would turn around and stride away, circling back determined to check on Jess and be stopped again by Will.
The door opened and Otis came out. Jay lowered his brows at him and started toward him. Otis held his hands up in a gesture of peace and hurried past the knot of people waiting in the hallway.
Jay finally got into the room. Jess was there looking…radiant. If a little tear-streaked.
"Jess," he said. He couldn't get more words out. His baby sister was a bride. The dress she had on was nothing like what he and Will had picked for her. Simple, loose, and just a hint of lace at the top. She didn't wear a veil, her hair was just caught back loosely from her face.
She looked at him then and he saw the second it registered what he was wearing.
Her jaw trembled as she met his eyes. For a second, Jay second-guessed himself. He hadn't worn his Army dress uniform since he was discharged. He wasn't willing to remember what he had seen, had done, over there, and the friends he had lost. But he had wanted to wear it for Jess. To let her know how proud he was of her service. And her recovery.
Jess moved toward him. "Thank you, Jay," she whispered. And then she hugged him. She understood what he was trying to say.
Jay pressed a kiss to the top of her head and held her, wishing things could have been different for her, easier. But she pulled back and the confidence in her eyes told him she wouldn't be the same person if she hadn't gone through everything she had. And he was proud of who she was. He wouldn't change a thing about her.
"You ready to get married?" Will asked.
Jess exchanged a look with Adam, a smile playing at her lips. Ruzek raised an eyebrow in question.
"Yeah," Jess said, turning back to Will. "I think I am now."
#
Jess stood at the back of the church with Will on one side of her and Jay on the other. She gripped their arms, not out of fear, but love.
Sylvie had found a single violinist to play for the wedding and as the music started, the doors opened. Sylvie and Atwater were already at the front of the church. Adam stood there, too, and even from the end of the aisle, Jess could see the smile in his eyes. Their wedding, their first wedding, was their secret. And Otis'.
Jess looked over toward Adam's side of the church then, but didn't see Otis. She saw Adam's relatives, a handful of his friends. She looked across the aisle, where her guests were supposed to sit. Her step faltered and Jay and Will held her up.
It was full.
Otis, Cruz, Kidd…all her new coworkers—her friends from the CFD were there. Hermann sat with his wife and all his kids. Chief Boden and his wife, their young son between them. The entire Intelligence Unit sat on her side. Sarah Reese sat next to Mouse. Natalie, April, Will's coworkers who she had met at Molly's, they were there.
Jess took a shaky breath, blinked back the tears. She looked at Adam, his broad grin, and she let her brothers walk her down the aisle to him.
#