"Delphine, you are literally running away," Cosima comments, not far behind. She was thoughtful enough to lock the door for the blonde. Apparently it's not so important to her.
"I just want to go home, Cosima," she excuses, exasperated.
"Like hell you do," Cosima scoffs, trying her best to keep up.
"I want to leave here," Delphine tries again.
"Where are you going? Take me with you," they both enter the small reception area.
"Mrs. Cormier," the girl behind the desk grabs her attention, standing up. "I'm sorry. I tried to call. He just wouldn't listen".
"What?" Delphine gives her a confused look.
"Your husband. He just went straight back to your office without stopping," she explains, a little puzzled as to how the woman has already forgotten.
Delphine nods, feeling silly for not understanding from context alone. "I don't expect anyone to handle William…However, do you remember that list that you offered to put her on a few days ago?" She shrugs toward Cosima standing behind her.
"Yes…"
"You are welcome to put William on that list," she looks at the desk, somehow expecting there to be a hand-written catalog just sitting out.
"You want me to put your husband on the restricted access list?"
"Please," she nods curtly and then continues on. Cosima stays behind for a moment, observing sympathetically the young girl who has to politely filter and direct people when they don't even deserve to ask the time of day. She's essentially the first line of security for their office.
"Hey," she approaches the desk. The girl already has a grumpy expression. "I just wanted to apologize for being a dick during our first encounter. You were just doing your job and I was shitty".
"Oh," her expression shifts to mild surprise. "Um, yeah. It's fine".
Cosima nods, smiling warmly, and turns to the doors. Delphine is waiting on the other side, giving her a skeptical look. "Aw, you waited," Cosima smirks, walking ahead of the woman.
"What was that about? What did you tell her?" Delphine follows cautiously.
"Just that we were having an erotic affair and to never come into your office when I'm in there," she calls back.
"She rarely comes to my office anyway," Delphine comments, catching up to her erotic affair.
"I told her to spread the word," Cosima shrugs. They make it through the building's main lobby and start walking down the sidewalk. It's still only late afternoon, so the streets aren't busy with end-of-day traffic.
"As plausible as that sounds, I don't think that's what happened exactly".
"How mad would you be if I told everyone at your work you were having a lesbian affair in your office?"
"Livid. I'd never accept such behavior from any of my coworkers and I expect them to feel the same," Delphine clicks the button to unlock her car, still parked across the street in front of the café.
"You're fine with Anne, though," Cosima taps her foot anxiously waiting for the crosswalk to turn.
"Anne's not using her office or company time for personal activities as far as I know".
"Yeah, but she's still into women, right?"
"What?" Delphine turns toward her, perplexed. "Any amorous activities, Cosima. I don't care if they're gay or not. Why would you think that?" She can't tell if she's offended or exhausted. Probably both.
Cosima automatically gets into the passenger seat and Delphine doesn't think twice about it. It feels normal and comfortable, like it's supposed to happen. They start driving in no particular direction. "I don't know. You've never really explicitly said what you approve or disapprove of".
Delphine can identify a small bit of bitterness bubbling inside her chest, but what she notices first is feeling hurt. "Have I ever shown any disapproval regarding the fact that you're a woman? If I have, I'm sorry. I promise, it doesn't matter to me. If you told everyone at my work that I was having a lesbian affair in my office, I'd be mad because it's inappropriate behavior for work. I couldn't care less if you just told them I was having a lesbian affair".
"Is that because…" a wide grin takes over the girl's face. Delphine sees it from the corner of her eye. "…you are in love with–"
Delphine's hand is quick to cover Cosima's still smiling mouth. "Stop that," Delphine has to work to restrain the grin that's begging to make an appearance. Cosima's right – she is all over the place. Fifteen minutes ago, she was angry and wanted to get away from her. Now she feels spikes of giddiness and complete lack of satiation with the small amount of contact she gets to have. Every part of her wants Cosima and that part is simple, but there's still a thick wall of protection that's safeguarding not only her own well-being, but Cosima's, too. There's not enough motivation or willpower to maintain the wall constantly and she finds herself searching for breaches in the exterior, only to return to emotional isolation minutes later. What she should do and what she wants to do are too different from each other, too far apart. A middle ground doesn't exist between them.
Cosima slides her hand between Delphine's and her mouth, separating them and freeing her smirk. She takes Delphine's hand in hers, interlacing their fingers, and rests their arms on her lap. There was no doubt it would take the blonde off guard. Cosima is aware enough to notice the things that make her pause. It's so sweet to her that Delphine is speechless when they hold hands. It's only come up a couple times, but she can feel the difference in the woman when they touch. Though, she'd never tell Delphine that. Forcing her to address it directly may cause her to avoid it and Cosima is just as big a fan as she is.
She holds her hand firmly, preparing to take advantage of it. "Is it because you're in love with me?" Cosima blurts out as quickly as she can. The conflict pinging back and forth in Delphine's eyes between maintaining contact and delaying the words she's not prepared to deal with is evident.
"I never said…that," she defends weakly. Her pride wants to retract her hand to show Cosima she's not that malleable, but the rest of her consciousness implores her to keep Cosima's hand in hers for as long as possible, to remain dependent on her affection. She must. She just has to feel her somehow, no matter the damage it does to her argument. Cosima knew that she adored holding her hand, but since they've been apart for so long, what she doesn't know is that it's morphing into a vital lifeline. Letting go now would be fatal.
"Your denial is adorable," she grins even wider. "You know, you could've just left Mr. Delphine because he's not a stellar guy. You didn't have to dump him just because you're in love with me".
Delphine feels herself losing some amount of her senses, feeling blind to the road, hearing nothing but Cosima's voice, locked away and overwhelmed by intermingling forces – the joy of being with her, the dread of the consequences, the fear of the future, and the imaginary lifeline trapping them together. She tries to shake everything from her head, but it's not working, so she locates the nearest parking space and pulls over. One deep breath before killing the engine and opening her door, releasing Cosima's hand and tearing herself from its sustenance like a bandage being ripped off of tender skin.
"Hey, what are you doing," Cosima can't tell if she should be worried or entertained.
"You're too much," she hears herself say. Delphine tosses the car keys into Cosima's lap. "All yours," she shrugs and starts walking down the sidewalk.
Cosima knows she shouldn't, but she can't help laughing. Of course, she gets out and follows, locking the car behind her. Delphine isn't far ahead, but she still runs to catch up. "Delphine," she giggles once she's by her side. The blonde barely acknowledges her, so Cosima pushes her arm, nudging her off the sidewalk and into the green park once it comes into view. "Are you grumpy because you accidentally exposed your secret?" She asks provokingly.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she replies, continuing further into the small empty park, looking for a bench or table of sorts. She should've grabbed her cigarettes. She can already feel herself travelling into the alternate universe where she and Cosima are worriless and happy. It's not a real universe, though.
"Surely you can't have forgotten already. You're older than me, but you're not a senior citizen," she mocks, recalling a similar quip from their lunch at the café. Delphine's head turns just slightly to shoot her a look. It's intended to be intimidating, warning, but she knows it only revealed her growing panic. "The secret that you're in love with me".
"I don't know where you heard something like that," she hears the submission in her voice. She hears her authority crumble beneath a sweet feeling. "I think you're making things up," she spots a stone table a few feet away, hiding behind a cluster of trees.
"I would never," Cosima gasps dramatically, following Delphine to the shaded area. "My source is solid. Delphine Cormier is in love with me," she reiterates in a sing-song voice.
"You wish," the woman scoffs, trying her hardest to not participate, but failing worse and worse by the second. "You know I got out of the car to get some air and get away from you".
"I think you got out to find someplace nice and secluded for us".
Before Delphine can make any retort denying it, Cosima steps around in front of her and grabs her waist, quickly claiming her lips. It's been so long that Delphine almost doesn't know how to respond, stunned at the sensations she had been repressing and pretending never existed in the first place. That feeling doesn't last, though, and she finds her body has overridden any conscious effort to restrain herself. If she hadn't been taken by surprise, she may have been able to put up a fight, but Cosima's sneak attack caught her with most of her defenses focused elsewhere. The most she can do is thoughtlessly reciprocate.
She feels herself pushing against Cosima's hips, directing her back until the girl feels the stone table cold on the back of her thighs. With some instinctual confidence, Delphine reaches further down, grazing her thighs, and picks her up just enough to push her up onto the table. The girl's legs wrap around the back of Delphine's, pulling her closer until there's no space between them. The blonde's hands move to her neck, securing their reunion. It's perfect, but not in the way it should be. It sends them both into a trance that isn't necessarily bad, but certainly dangerous, like some sense of moving from one consciousness to the next with no direction and no way to recall how to get back. But every new scene is an elation they can't deny themselves, each for their own reasons. Cosima needs it because otherwise she's ignoring feelings that become toxic when left stagnant, like rotten fermentation. She's questioning her friendships, her career, her relationships, her behavior. Delphine needs the high because otherwise she's letting her life go to pieces for nothing. More than just losing an inadequate spouse, she's losing control over her actions and feelings. She's letting one be guided by the other where she's always made sure it was the very opposite. For both of them, it's a familiar lifeline because if they let go now, everything will have meant nothing.
However, Delphine's willpower greatly overshadows Cosima's and she still possesses that quiet voice in the back of her head telling her to back off and not let everything mean something, to limit her investment before the risk of loss becomes too high. Just like with William, she tries to look at this from a business perspective. Cosima is different, though, and she can't generalize her so easily. William can be put neatly into a box because he is strictly material content. She has no experience with shaping emotions into something she can contain, categorize, and assess analytically. How will she be able to tell her if investment is too high if she has no figures to compare? Because it already feels too high and she isn't even seeing Cosima like she used to. She stopped seeking her out and the last few times they've interacted, it's been arguments. Yet it still feels like she's drowning in potential debt. She's never been in William's debt. They've never had any kind of hold over one another beyond the contract of their marriage. And now she wants to leave a debtless relationship for one that could end in complete bankruptcy. Why? High risk, high reward? Is she even allowed to feel that way?
Delphine notices that Cosima has stopped kissing her and is now holding her face. "What's wrong, why are you crying?"
Confused, she goes to touch her face, but she can already feel the fugitive tears when Cosima wipes them away. She shakes her head and looks down. "Sorry," she breathes out shakily.
"Don't apologize, Delphine. Just talk to me," she nudges her face back up by her chin. "You can't let me think that kissing me sends you into despair…"
"No, no," she denies, wondering if it's true.
"Tell me what you're thinking".
"I…" miss you, want you in my life, want to hold your hand and call you sweet things, need you.
"You…"
Why can't Cosima just read her thoughts, she asks herself futilely. Does she really need to voice truths that shouldn't exist? Why does it always feel like one damning confession after the next with Cosima? "I can't deal with this," she blurts out, irritated now at her own incapability to speak or think clearly.
"With what? Me?"
"I'm not ready to be…"
"Involved? Happy?" Cosima lashes back, tired of the ups and downs, tired of her emotions being tossed around like they're nothing. Delphine shakes her head, looking anywhere but at her. She has such an angry sad feeling and she doesn't know how to reconcile it with the woman in front of her. Cosima does the only thing she can think of, the only thing she particularly wants to do at the moment. She slips her hands up to either side of the blonde's face and pulls her in. Delphine doesn't resist the kiss. She rarely does.
She's not ready to be committed, she thinks. With William, she made a commitment, but it never felt like a commitment to him as a partner. It was a commitment to a certain set of acceptable behaviors that she knew wouldn't be hard to follow. It wasn't based on feelings, no one controlled her feelings. William only provided her with inconvenience and frustration. Cosima would give her everything, the whole spectrum of emotions, and she doesn't know how to deal with everything. She doesn't like the idea of someone else having power over her and over her ability to function. Fine, she does have feelings for Cosima, but what good will those do? What they've done so far is make her feel hopeless and lonely, they've overridden her logic, they've created an impossible need that sends her into withdrawal. How can any of that be good?
"Stop. Stop it," Delphine pushes herself away from the girl, knowing physical distance will curb her irrationality.
"What the fuck? No, Delphine," Cosima quickly follows her as she tries to escape.
"I'm sorry, I just–"
"Stop doing this, Delphine," Cosima catches up to her, confounded.
"You stop," Delphine shouts and feels the lump in her throat grow again. She has never cried so much in her life than these months with Cosima. Maybe another sign this isn't a good thing.
"I'm not the one all hot and cold and I'm in love with you Cosima and fuck you Cosima," she shouts back.
"I never said that," she just barely keeps a sob from escaping, but her voice is unsteady.
"Yes, you fucking did. You said it out loud and you've said it other ways, too," Cosima is surprised when she starts having a hard time keeping up with the woman in heels through the grass.
"Well, that's just what you–"
"No, you asshole, it's not just what I…It's a real thing," Delphine just shakes her head and sniffles. "Please just fucking look at me," Cosima begs, out of breath, and then puts her hand on Delphine's arm.
"Stop," Delphine turns around finally when they get to the sidewalk. She tries to look at her, but the most she can do is just stare at their feet and shake her head. "Just stay away from me. Take a cab".
"Are you seriously going to do this again? Just leave me?" Cosima scoffs.
Delphine squeezes her eyes tight and starts down the sidewalk toward her car. Cosima follows. "I'm sorry. Here," Delphine finds a few folded twenty-dollar bills in her pocket and tries to hand them to the girl.
"I don't want your fucking money," Cosima slaps it away. "I'll walk".
"Fine," Delphine looks away and gets in her car before she can change her mind…again.
...
...
...
"Took you long enough," William sneers when Delphine finally makes it home.
"Sorry," she says mechanically, setting her keys and bag down. She finds him in the living room and sits on the opposite end of the couch. "What are we talking about again?"
"How my wife didn't care where I was for three days and why I hadn't called," he crosses his arms.
"Right," she closes her eyes and tiredly lays her head back. "We had an argument, Will. I figured you had gone to stay somewhere else".
"I wouldn't forfeit my home to you".
"Well, our home is paid for mostly by me, and another small portion belongs to your work. I'd say you've already forfeited it," she shrugs.
William is silent for a moment and Delphine can tell he's seething, even with her eyes closed. "You still haven't asked what happened, why I was arrested".
"Cosima told me you freaked out and the cops came," she cracks her eyes to look at their high ceiling.
"No," he responds firmly. "I was arguing. They're trying to pin this whole audit shit on me, saying I–"
"I really don't care, William," she exhales. She's burnt out but at least she's not thinking about Cosima. This argument is actually quite relieving somehow – she understands her side and doesn't care what he thinks. It's a break from the storm of yelling and utter chaos with Cosima where she doesn't even know how to separate her emotions out into individual feelings.
"You don't care?" he laughs maniacally. "I know we had a fight, but you're still my wife. At least act like a good one".
"That will be fixed soon," she says without thinking. Immediately, she's nervous but also relieved. The thought of having this conversation was eating at her through the afternoon.
"What do you mean?" she can feel William standing up from the couch.
"I'm filing for divorce," finally, she opens her eyes and looks at the man. Cosima was right. He does look like a tomato with legs when he's mad. She's never seen him as mad as he's been this last week. For whatever reason, though, it doesn't feel strange or unexpected.
"What the hell, Delphine? You can't do that," he starts pacing.
"It's happening, Will," she answers in the most assertive tone she can.
He shakes his head. "Yeah. Fine," he shrugs.
"Fine?" Delphine looks at him skeptically, not believing it.
"Yeah. Fine," he nods. "I want it all though. The house, everything in the house, the cars, even that ring back".
Her decision takes no thought. "It's yours," she says, scooching the ring off her finger and setting it on the coffee table.
William scoffs, unable to respond verbally. Delphine observes him try to process the information for a few moments, but finds her eyes just growing heavier. He watches her get up and leave the room.