Fate. It's a funny thing, especially for Regina Mills, because she swears the universe enjoys fucking with her. The world sits back, on its comfy recliner, munching on some popcorn as it watches her train wreck of a life, thoroughly enjoying itself. She tries, Lord knows she tries so very hard to be perfect, yet her drive, her strive to succeed in this world never acts as a benefit. Somehow her success only seems to hinder her relationships.
Her mother is always nagging and begging and quite literally crying for her to find someone nice and settle down. Frankly, Regina's convinced that her mother, Cora, is simply bored with her life since her father's passing and has nothing better to do than obsess over her daughter's love life. Truthfully, Cora just wants grandchildren to fill up her retired days, but Regina can't even comprehend bringing a child into her mess of a life when she spends eighteen hours a day at her little cafe shop she opened three years ago. Even if she so desperately wants a child.
At least she has her sweet little goddaughter to fill the baby void until she can meet the right person and settle down. Which coincidentally, brings her right back to the sick humor of the world, because after the worst blind date known to mankind with none other, Emma Swan, she was forced to be in that woman's life for the rest of their lives.
That's right, Regina's best friend married that fling, August Booth, and since that horrible blind date, Emma is always around. Bachelorette parties, wedding parties, every holiday, baby shower, the birth of their baby girl and everything else in between.
Regina had tried her very best to be amicable and that entailed ignoring Emma whenever she was around. She wasn't necessarily mean to the woman, she just pretended that she didn't exist, but Emma, and her dire need for attention, wouldn't accept such behavior. And for the last three years, whenever the two of them are forced to be in the same breathing space, Emma has spent every second trying to poke at Regina's last nerve.
Fuck the universe.
"Oh my god, Regina, this is beautiful," Kathryn gushes, admiring the three tier cake decorated so beautifully in sky blue with hints of vibrant green and the bright yellow duck with a giant number one on top.
"Do you think Lennox will like it?"
"She's one, she's just going to be excited to squish the frosting between her fingertips." Regina purses her lips and rolls her eyes at her very best friend, but then they are both smirking at one another. "She's going to love the duck on top. Seriously, Regina, this cake outshines my freaking wedding cake."
"I made your wedding cake."
"Yeah," Kathryn scoffs, "not your best work. It was dry."
Regina's mouth pops open, pretending to be appalled as she slaps a hand over her chest. "You're dry."
"That's not what August said last night."
"Ugh, Kathryn, that's disgusting," Regina grimaces, but then they are both laughing and lightly shoving one another.
They proceed to glide around the kitchen, setting up the napkins and decorations for the best first birthday ever, both ecstatic that Lennox is already turning one.
"So...I've been searching for a new pediatrician," Kathryn so cryptically says, pretending to be indifferent, but Regina knows this woman all too well. "There was this woman-"
"No! Absolutely not. Banish that thought from your mind and then I want you to light that idea on fire and once it's burned down to ash, I want you to bury it in a desert, never to be seen or heard from again," she stubbornly demands, sweeping so elegantly through the room and never once making eye contact with her friend.
"Why? She's beautiful and a doctor, hello! And-"
"No! You have thee worst track record in the history of setting people up."
"Name one."
Regina slams her palms down against the counter and glares dangerously at her obtuse blonde friend. "Alright, shall we start with Rachel? The one who wasn't sure if she wanted to be with a woman, but she was willing to give a try," Regina mocks, swinging her arm to emphasize the stupid young girl's enthusiasm and ignorance.
"She was hot!"
"She kept peeking up every two seconds like a damn whack-a-mole to check in if she was doing it right and kept comparing my vagina to all the penises she's been with!"
"Well, how was I supposed to know how inexperienced she was in bed? I can't do a screening before I send them off with you," Kathryn argues, before she steps closer to Regina and folds her arms across her chest. "That's just one and that's not my fault."
"How about Sage?"
"How can you blame that one on me?"
"You're my best friend, Kathryn, you should know my type and women who refuse to shave...anything...are not my type."
"Should I do a full body scan before introducing you?"
"You should have known by the name alone." Regina scowls before she points her finger in front of her best friend's face. "And don't even get me started on Emma," she hisses the name with such disdain.
"What about her? I still think you are writing her off far too quickly," Kathryn debates, smirking so deviously as she sashays across the kitchen and starts pulling down some champagne flutes.
"You're fucking with me, right? She scheduled another date for when ours was through, right in front of me," she reminds her, for what seems to be the millionth time since that fateful night.
"Who says it was a date? And now you know that she wasn't late from watching some sports game, it's her job," Kathryn stresses.
"You need a reality check."
"You need to get laid."
XXXX
"Bu-bubububububu," Emma babbles playfully as she bounces Lennox on her lap, holding her little hands while the baby giggles and wobbles all around.
"Ems, come on, she just ate," August complains, but he's chuckling at the most precious sound that has ever graced his ears.
"She's fine," Emma defends, but she does stop the bouncing right before she dives into the crook of Lennox's neck and blows hard enough to produce the weirdest noises.
"Hey, where's Neal? I thought you two were getting pretty serious?" August investigates, setting up the chairs in the backyard like his wife instructed him to do so many times since they woke up.
"No," she drawls, rolling her eyes in annoyance.
Just because he found his happy little family doesn't mean that's necessarily what she's looking for. She's a loner and she does just fine with her hookups. There's no need to set herself up for heartbreak and failure, she's had enough of that growing up in the system. The only good thing that has ever come from the foster system is August; he's been her older brother and her idol since she was twelve. They shared a home for two years, the longest either one had ever been in a home and when they were separated, August did everything in his power to stay connected to her. And that right there meant more to her than any other human who ever crossed her path.
"Look," Emma stands from the folding chair, awkwardly propping Lennox upon her hip so the baby is facing out toward her father, "just because you decided to go out and create your own family because you never had one, doesn't mean that's what I want in life. Besides, I got you, Kathryn and Lennox, that's all the family I need," she softly whispers, placing her hand upon his shoulder to express her sincerity.
He grins wildly at her before his eyes drift down to the best thing he has ever accomplished in this crazy world and he beams even more. His baby blues eyes take in his daughter's sparkling irises, the exact replica of her mother's green hue, to her dark hair that is the same shade of dark brown as his own. Lennox really is the perfect mix of both of them and his heart is just overflowing with love at the moment.
"August, honey!" Kathryn calls from the sliding glass door. "Don't forget to tip the guys who set up the bouncy house!" She yells before she disappears into the extravagant house once again.
"Tip them?" He grumbles, stuffing his hands into his pocket and angrily fishing for his clip of money. "We set this stupid thing up, they just sat there and goofed off."
"They're kids, August, just give them a few bucks," Emma reasons.
Her brother sighs his annoyance, but together they shuffle across the backyard to where two teenage boys are giggling like school girls and jabbing each other with pointy sticks.
"Uh, hey Mr. Booth, we are all done here," the one kid says, his bloodshot gaze desperately trying to avoid August and Emma's scrutiny.
"Are you high?" August very seriously questions.
"Dude," Emma hisses, but her brother holds up his hand to silence her and both teens take a generous step back.
"Are you?" He demands again, stepping into their personal space for intimidation.
"I-uh-what?" The other teen stutters.
"I'm an adult, show me some respect. You come to my house, stinking up the entire backyard, goofing off and snickering like little girls. I'm not stupid. So, where is it?" Both teens just blink nervously back at him. "Either give it to me and fess up, or I call your boss and the cops on you," he threatens. The one kid sighs, but he shoves his hand into his back pocket and pulls out a baggie, handing it over to August. "Nice, the real shit," he chuckles before he clasps his fist tightly around the bag and narrows his eyes at the teens. "Now, get out of here before I change my mind."
The boys scram, dashing out of the backyard while August and Emma laugh at their stupidity.
"What is wrong with you?" Emma laughs lightly, strolling over toward the bouncy house.
"I'm keeping this. Once a year, Kathryn and I like to have a little fun and reminisce about the days before mortgages and babies."
"Sure...once a year..."
"Alright, maybe once a month," he wholeheartedly laughs, spinning around in time to witness Emma climbing onto the blow up entertainment for the kids. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? Are you high now?" She teases, slipping her hands beneath Lennox's arms and tossing her into the air while she jumps softly in the house.
"Ems, seriously, she just ate."
"She's fine!" Emma laughs, because this adorable baby is smiling with her entire face and giggling hysterically and it's too contagious not to join in.
God she loves this kid.
"Ems, I'm telling you-"
"Will you relax? God, you sound like Regina," she chuckles even harder, but then the game isn't so funny anymore when Lennox spits up, midair, allowing gravity to run its course and land all over Emma's mouth and chin until it's dribbling down her shirt.
"Told ya," August cracks up, leaning into the bouncy house to snatch his baby away while Emma runs into the house, shrieking in disgust.
"Ugh this is so gross," she mumbles, wiping her arm across her chin as she barges into the house, startling Kathryn and Regina. "Move. Sink."
"Too much tequila off a stripper last night?" Regina mocks, smirking as Emma practically climbs into the sink to wash her face and rinse her mouth.
Kathryn and August laugh, a little too hard for Emma's liking as Regina steals Lennox from August.
"Hey look, Lennox," Emma spits out some water into the sink and smiles wildly, "that's what bitter old hags look like," she fires back, rinsing out her mouth again and scrubbing her face.
"Don't you worry my baby girl, you aren't the first and you most certainly won't be the last girl to throw up on Auntie Emma."
"Whatever, she had the time of her life," Emma smugly announces, snatching a towel nearby and wiping at her shirt. "I rather have her throw up on me knowing she had a blast than being the lame, boring aunt."
"You're a child."
"I know you are but what am I?"
"You need to change before pictures today," Kathryn interrupts, taking the towel from Emma's hand and attempting to wash away the stain.
"I don't have anything," Emma whines, pitifully flashing a full pout, but Kathryn smiles fondly at her and pats her shoulder sympathetically and Regina really can't see what her friend sees in the obnoxious woman.
"You can raid my closet, but first we must toast with just the four of us before the guests arrive," Kathryn announces as August slides beside her, wrapping one arm around her waist and motivating everyone into lifting their glasses into the air.
"I'm not one to get all gushy and emotional, but I just want to say, thank you. Thank you both for being a part of our family and being the best godparents for our beautiful baby," August says through a watery smile as he watches Regina hold his baby close, resting her cheek upon Lennox's head while Emma peers over Regina's shoulder, grinning wildly.
"It has been a beautiful year and I wouldn't change one second. I can't believe she's already one," Kathryn chokes, motivating her husband to hold her close and press a kiss to the top of her head.
"Thank you guys for letting us be involved in her life," Emma says, thrusting her glass into the air. "Happy birthday, you goober," she chuckles before tossing back the champagne in one gulp while Regina rolls her eyes and slowly sips from her mimosa. "Now, I need to change because the baby vomit is making my eyes water."
"Sure that's why...not because you have emotions and feelings," Kathryn immediately teases, but Emma just rolls her eyes and ducks out of the room before any more mocking is tossed her way.
"Happy birthday my little princess," Regina coos, gingerly lifting Lennox around on her lap to press a gentle kiss to her cheek. But then she frowns. "There's spit-up on her shirt. Damn that woman."
"Regina, it's fine. We knew this would happen, her party dress is upstairs," Kathryn flippantly replies. "Actually, can you go grab it? It's hanging off her crib."
"Of course," Regina happily accepts, handing over Lennox to August before she quickly shuffles out of the room before the guests arrive.
She carefully climbs the stairs in her too high of heels, maybe they weren't exactly appropriate for a first birthday, but she wanted to look nice for the professional photos Kathryn insisted on. Unlike Emma, who, of course, showed up in blue jeans, blue jeans so damn tight that Regina is sure they are going to split right down her ass if she bends down the wrong way.
"Emma!"
"Ahhh!"
Regina whirls around on her stilettos, her hand immediately shielding her eyes, but the damage is done. Her eyes have now been officially scarred with an image of porcelain flesh decorated with scattered freckles. Luckily, the other woman is not hideous, but still, Regina loathes the blonde and the last thing she needs is a memory of the cocky woman standing in her bra in the middle of Lennox's room. With her full chest spilling over that red, silk garment and those stupid abs on full display, just bragging about how perfect they are.
No, screw Emma Swan.
"What the hell, Regina?" Emma shrieks, sliding her arms into a silk blouse that is neither her nor Kathryn's style, but it's a bluish-silver color that is better than anything else in that extravagant walk-in closet. "What are you doing up here?"
"Because of you, Lennox is soaked in baby spit-up and needs her birthday dress." She cautiously lifts up her hand and peeks to find the other woman buttoning up her borrowed blouse. "What are you doing naked in Lennox's room?" She snips, slowly lowering her hand before pivoting back around and stomping across the room.
"I was getting her dress and I wasn't, naked, no wonder you're so uptight. You don't even know what someone looks like naked."
"Oh fuck you," Regina breathes out, snatching the dress off the crib, and much to her dismay, there is a certain irritating blonde leaning over her back.
"You wish," Emma teasingly whispers into Regina's ear, earning herself a nice shove.
"Not even if you were the last straight woman on the face of this planet. I would sooner choose a man than you," she sneers, breezing right passed the woman who is chuckling instead of taking offense. But then she stops, dead in her tracks near the doorway, watching as Emma flips her hair out of the shirt and rolls up her sleeves. "Enjoy my shirt, because that is all you will ever get from me."
"Your shirt?" Emma balks, her puzzled face peering down at the blouse she assumed was Kathryn's, considering she was just browsing in her closet.
However, by the time Emma glances back up again, Regina is long gone.
XXXX
"I'm Mary Margret, you must be Kathryn's single friend...the lesbian with the best muffins, right?" Some odd woman with jet black hair interrogates her as Regina is kindly offering a tray of appetizers to the guests.
She opens her mouth, then snaps it shut as her brows furrow.
"Oh, I heard you make the most scrumptious brownies," another woman chimes in as her greedy fingers steal the bruschetta that Regina worked so hard on all morning. This tall and lanky brunette shoves the appetizer into her mouth and shamelessly moans, but Regina grimaces from how the chunks of tomatoes are tumbling from her mouth. "We should make them special sometime," she mumbles around her mouth-full.
"Oh yes, maybe some rich caramel and nuts, I love nuts," Mary Margret gushes while Regina and the messy eater stare at her in bewilderment.
"That's not-"
Regina immediately cuts the woman off. "Well, I have never been a fan of nuts myself."
"Oh," Mary Margret sighs sadly while the lanky brunette snorts, knowing this is all just whizzing right over the Mary Margret's head.
"Ruby!" Another voice hisses, startling both Regina and sloppy eater. "I need to pee," this woman announces, shoving a rather small baby against Ruby, previously known as messy eater. "Take Scarlet."
"You mean, Violet?" Ruby innocently questions, cradling the baby against her chest.
"I don't care which one it is, I'm tired," the woman stresses as she runs her fingers through her hair. "Wait, where is Scarlet?"
"She's with Emma, Belle, don't worry," Ruby sweetly coos, pressing a kiss to the woman, Regina assumes, is her wife.
"Oh good," Belle breathes out her sigh of relief, but all Regina can do is assess the pure exhaustion drowning this woman.
"I wouldn't be too confident in that woman, she's known for making other girls puke," Regina teases, while every set of eyes just blink at her.
And the moment grows uncomfortable and she feels the heat scorching her cheeks until Ruby finally snorts again and playfully shoves her. A little too hard, causing her to stumble upon her heels.
"You're funny, Regina. Where has Kathryn been hiding you?" Ruby questions, but she's already turning back to her wife, not interested in the answer. "Go pee, babe."
"Right," Belle mumbles, flushing from her embarrassment before she rushes off.
"So, a bakery, huh?" Mary Margret decides to circle the conversation back around once again.
"Yes, owning my own business is a tad time consuming, but I love what I do."
"Really? What about babies? Don't you just want a household filled with children running around?"
Regina swallows thickly, but luckily, she doesn't have to answer because Mary Margret's husband is approaching awfully quick, his eyes fixated on his wife.
"Mary Margret, you have to stop running off every time there is a diaper that needs to be changed!"
XXXX
Emma slowly pulls the beer from her bottle, hoping that the alcohol will wash away the excruciating awkwardness that only she seems to be suffering through.
"I'm telling you, I almost went pro," Killian chuckles, taking a swig from his glass tumbler. "I was going to play for the Chicago Bulls," he brags, his eyebrows bouncing from the delight obviously filling his body.
"Cool," she mutters, mostly into her bottle as her eyes sweep around the backyard for some excuse to leave or maybe someone to take pity on her and come to her rescue.
"Is he bragging about the Bulls again," Milah, Killian's wife giggles, sweeping right passed them and venturing on somewhere else, so she doesn't have to listen to her husband relive those glory days again.
"I have all my dad's old videos, I can show you," he quickly defends.
"No, no. I'm good," Emma says, forcing herself to smile back at him, but it's weak and frankly it's just a grimace.
"Oh god, Ems," Ruby exasperates, clearly out of breath as she slides up next to her, bouncing her three-month-old baby close to her chest. "I need to live vicariously through you. Tell me again how you just have sex whenever you feel like it."
Killian laughs into his glass, while Emma's entire face scrunches up as her mind tries to comprehend how she has wound up stuck in this type of conversation.
"What?"
"Like you just go out into the world and say, hey, I'm gonna have sex tonight, and then it just happens?" Ruby inquires in a tone that is teetering on the edge of hysteria.
"Aren't you married?" Emma fires back, eyeing the woman skeptically, who is still hopping between her feet. "You literally are the one who has sex accessible to you whenever you want," she deadpans, sipping slowly from her beer.
"You would think, right? But after this little one," she pauses, pressing a delicate kiss to her daughter's head, "I'm sorry baby, mommy loves you," she murmurs, but then her eyes crawl up to meet Emma's. "But no, seriously, she's the devil, and she never stops crying and I don't know when's the last time my face was between-"
"Ruby!" Belle shrieks, provoking Ruby's eyes to bug out of her head all while Emma's shimmer in amusement. "Can you not go five minutes without complaining about our sex life?" She huffs in annoyance, forcing their other daughter against her wife's chest. "Here, now deal with them both," she scoffs before stomping away while Ruby struggles to balance both children in her arms.
"Ems..." she whines, batting her long lashes to persuade the blonde into helping her out.
"Fine, give me the rug-rat," she groans, but her smile reveals her secret of how much she actually adores the kid. Scarlet, Violet, doesn't matter, either color will do.
XXXX
"Happy birthday to you!"
Everyone chants as Lennox tilts her head to the side, inspecting the bright yellow duck on top of her cake.
"Blow, baby," Kathryn coos, gently demonstrating against her daughter's face, forcing her dark little wisps to fan out.
Lennox giggles, her finger digging into the cake and completely forgoing the instructions.
"Yeah, kiddo, dive in there. It's your birthday," Emma chuckles, beaming with pride for her goddaughter.
Lennox timidly brings the cake to her mouth and cautiously takes a bite, so unsure of what to make of all the colors and decoration. Kathryn sighs and gently blows out the candle for her daughter, knowing she has completely lost interest in the flame glowing before her.
"How about a picture of the godparents?" August suggests, hovering over the professional photographer Kathryn hired.
Regina rolls her eyes, while Emma does the same actually, but they both bend down on either side of Lennox's high-chair. Regina snuggles close against Lennox's cheek and Emma hesitates for a moment, but then her goddaughter is lifting a piece of cake for her to try, persuading the dopiest grin to slide across her face. She chuckles softly and leans in just as close, her cheek right up against Lennox's as she smiles wide for the camera.
"What a lovely couple," the photographer gushes and thankfully, he snaps the picture just before two sour faces glare back at him murderously.
And yeah, he quickly snaps that deadly picture as well.