"Are you going to let me in?"
"Oh...yeah...of course," Emma awkwardly stutters, flinging the door open with a very intoxicated Regina smashed against her back. "Regina, this is our case worker for Lennox," she stresses, her wide eyes never leaving the fiery redhead's cold gaze. "She's here for a surprise visit to check and make sure everything is in order here."
"Surprise," Regina ecstatically chuckles, her chin resting heavily upon Emma's shoulder and she swears she has never heard the brunette's voice climb that high before.
"You know, Regina was just about to take Lennox upstairs and start her nightly routine," Emma announces, slightly hysterical even though she's trying to shove her inner panic down. "We have that, you know? Nightly routine, umm, bath, storytime-"
"Emma singing some terrible rendition of some nineties song," Regina chimes in, rolling her sleepy eyes, and never lifting her chin from the support of a strong shoulder. "She thinks I don't hear her," Regina lowers her voice, well she attempts to whisper, but she's directly next to the blonde's ear. "I hear her," she chuckles.
"Yup, so my singing isn't the best, hope that doesn't dock me points," she nervously laughs, slowly peeling Regina off her back. "So, umm we can do this thing while Regina puts Lennox to bed."
"No, no. I need to speak with both of you and I would like to see the child before I leave," Zelena vacantly states, her eyes wandering around the house, assessing the tacky leather jacket hanging over the banister, to the laundry basket on the second step leading upstairs. "Where is the baby?" She skeptically investigates, eyeing the two suspicious women before her.
"I don't-"
"She's right there," Emma loudly cuts Regina right off. "In her bouncy-thingy," she stammers, quickly brushing right passed the case worker toward the living room where she had placed Lennox when she found Regina rambling in her drunken stupor. She swiftly scoops up her goddaughter and presses a firm kiss to her cheek, grinning a little too wildly at the woman who is most definitely going to give them a bad report. "See, she's good...happy baby."
"I see," the woman dubiously replies, scribbling something down on her clipboard.
Lennox is especially sleepy this evening from having a big day at the doctor's office and then stopping at her Aunt Regina's bakery where she was passed around like a hot potato while her Aunt tried to sort some work issues out and then her silly Aunt Emma took her to the grocery store where she talked to a lot of big people. She's exhausted. So, she curls up against Emma's chest and nuzzles in closely.
"Lennox just loves her Auntie Emma," Regina squawks, too full of pep like she's trying to mask her jealousy. "She's the cool Aunt. I'm the aunt that forces veggies in every meal, but it's fine. I'm fine. She's fine. She will eventually eat my home cooked meals," she rambles, waving at nobody as her tired eyes droop from the amount of alcohol she consumed in such a short period of time.
"Ha, ha," Emma tensely laughs, "she...she's a professional baker and this little one isn't that keen on such refined food. She has a Gerber kind of palate," she awkwardly defends Regina's erratic behavior.
"Okay," Zelena flatly replies, her pen still scribbling nonsense that Emma knows will count against them. "I would like the tour now."
"A tour," she repeats, absolutely dumbfounded, knowing that they had a hectic day between Lennox and work and neither one has had a chance to tend to their chores that Regina has written on the stupid calendar.
"A tour," Regina happily cheers, waving her hand and gesturing for the redhead to follow along. "Come right along, please watch your step for any rubber duckies along the way...or abandoned pacifiers."
Emma slams a hand over her face and groans which only encourages her goddaughter to snuggle in even closer against her chest. "Auntie Regina is gonna get us in a lot of trouble. Who would have thought? Because I sure as shit thought it would have been me who blew this," Emma fully admits before she sighs and rushes to follow behind Regina and the case worker.
XXXX
"Goodnight, goober," Emma whispers as she slowly eases the door about halfway and sneaks into the hallway.
She leans against the wall, allowing her head to thud against it as she closes her eyes and tries to breathe through her anxiety. That meeting was fucking horrendous and she still feels the residual sensation of embarrassment prickling against her skin. And yeah, Regina was too high strung, trying to act casual and not at all like she was hammered, and she rambled on and on about her damn bakery and her five-year-plan, never once mentioning Lennox, but Emma knows she was just as bad.
She had clammed up at first, not knowing what was appropriate to say unless she was cutting Regina off and talking over her to cover up her intoxicated tongue. Then, the social worker turned to her and interrogated her about her job and her five-year-plan as well. Emma, never in her life, has ever had a five-year-plan. She always lives in the moment, not thinking about tomorrow and so she blurted out the first thing she could think of. Which coincidentally, didn't have to do with Lennox either. Her mouth recklessly spewed off some promotion at work while Zelena gaped at her like she was the dumbest person to walk this planet for working behind a camera and pressing buttons like a trained monkey.
It was awful and Ms. Kelly bluntly told them to get their shit together, well, not exactly that, but the intent was there. She said she would return for another unannounced visit and she hoped that Emma and Regina would have some clue as to what they see in their future for Lennox. It was humiliating, especially since Lennox was laying across their laps, half-asleep, and they both had still managed to neglect fitting her into the equation.
She swallows down the mortification creeping up to the surface again and shoves herself off the wall. She's irritated and furious with Regina for not being the reliable, pain-in-the-ass she has been since they started taking care of Lennox, on the one night she needed her to be. She storms off in the direction of her roommate's bedroom, ready to fire off all the anger that is festering inside on the woman. She pushes the door open, finding the room empty, and she's about to turn on her heels to search for the brunette downstairs, but then she hears a quivering voice.
"I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm failing her," Regina's soft voice cries into the dark room and Emma wonders where the hell she is?
"Honey, you are not failing her," comes another voice, confirming that Regina is on the phone, and the other person is on speaker, but Emma has no clue who the other woman is.
She creeps across the threshold in the shadows.
"Mother, I am," Regina stresses, her voice wet and thick with tears and emotions and Emma sags in defeat, knowing Regina must be really shaken up to call her mother. She wishes she had a mother to call at a time like this. "I was drunk tonight and I rambled on and on about myself, never once mentioning the child that I will spend the rest of my life raising."
"Regina, darling, that's alright. You have spent your entire life alone, your mind was just stating what it's accustomed to, but I know your heart is all for that baby. I know that when it comes down to it, you will do anything for that beautiful baby girl."
Emma thinks she should sneak away and allow Regina some privacy, but her feet aren't moving and she has an inkling that her mind is telling her to stay routed. Finally, Regina is being vulnerable and expressing how she truly feels about the entire situation without putting on that brave face and powering through and Emma needs to see this side of her just to keep herself sane.
"And I would," Regina sniffles, "I would do anything for her, but I don't know what I'm doing. I can't even get her to eat a proper meal."
"Listen to me right now Regina Maria, I'm going to tell you a little secret that every mother knows, but never talks about. We don't know what we are doing either."
"What?"
Emma frowns, her head cocking to the side as her brows furrow in consideration.
"Yes, no mother knows what she is doing, we just...wing it. We do what we think is best, which half the time isn't what's best for the mother down the block. And this isn't just for first time mothers, no, because then you have another child and you think you know what you are doing, but they are the exact opposite from the first child and you have to make it up again as you go. So, please, Regina, trust me when I tell you, you are doing an excellent job. You and Emma are rearranging your lives to accommodate a one-year-old, not to mention, each other. There will be a lot of trial and error and a lot of bumps along the way, but eventually things will smooth out. Don't you worry. I am so very proud of you for taking that little girl in and loving her as your own," her mother compliments, provoking a sob to burst from Regina's lips and that's when Emma takes her cue and slowly backs away from the door.
That woman on the other end might not have been her mother, but it was the validation that Emma needs to push forward with this arrangement. It's exactly the motivation and inspiring words she needs to venture on.
XXXX
After Emma had eavesdropped on Regina and her mother's private phone call, she ventured on downstairs and decided to straighten up the house. She was only downstairs for a half an hour, when she heard Lennox's soft whimpers. She tried, she really, really tried to ignore the sad little cries, hoping to stick to that self-soothing routine, but it wasn't very long before her goddaughter was wailing.
She likes to pretend that she's in control, but she takes the stairs two at a time. When she enters the baby's room, she finds Regina already there, holding Lennox close and swaying gently from side to side, cooing softly in her ear.
"Hey, she alright?" Emma whispers, not wanting to agitate the distraught baby even further.
Big brown eyes filled to the brim with heartache meet her eyes, forcing her breath to catch in her throat. "She's been fussy since you put her down," she vacantly replies, still rocking between her feet.
"I know," Emma exhales her frustrations, "she was tired when I put her in the crib, but she was also restless, like fidgety," she explains, stepping into the room and placing her hand upon Lennox's back, right beneath Regina's. And that's when Lennox belts out a cry of hysteria, attempting to squirm away from both women. "Here, let me take her."
"I got her," Regina murmurs, pressing a delicate kiss to the baby's temple.
"I know, but maybe she senses how exhausted you are," she confesses with her arms open and ready to take the little one.
"I am not exhausted," her roommate hisses in a lame attempt to keep herself from yelling and causing more distress for their goddaughter.
"Your red-rimmed eyes tell a different story, Regina," she deadpans, stealing Lennox away and Regina knows it's not healthy to play tug-o-war with a baby, so she allows the theft.
"I'm just fine, Emma," she defends, but it's weak and they both know it's a blatant lie.
Emma rolls her eyes, pressing her palm against Lennox's head to hold her close to her chest as she rocks her. Except, Lennox wants no part of her blonde aunt this evening, so she slams her palms against Emma's chest and attempts to wiggle free all while she screams hysterically.
"Give her back, she was a lot calmer with me."
"Fine," she grumbles, passing Lennox back, but their goddaughter wails even louder, kicking her little legs midair.
"Okay baby girl, it's alright," Regina softly coos, and again she tries to hold Lennox close to her chest, but this little one isn't having it. She fights against the hold, even when Emma shoves a pacifier into her mouth. Well, this only seems to further agitate her, encouraging her little fingers to tear the paci away and whip it at the ground. "Lennox, baby, what's wrong?" Regina sadly pleads for an answer. "Just tell me what you want and I swear I will give it to you," she vows, but that doesn't settle those frantic cries.
"Alright, come here you little rug-rat," she sighs, snatching Lennox back, but this time she holds her outward, facing Regina, before she quickly exits the room.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know, change of scenery?" She meekly suggests, bouncing down the stairs roughly to persuade those baby giggles to come spilling out.
She's sorely mistaken and this only provokes Lennox to shriek even louder.
"Maybe some water will help?" Regina recommends and Emma hates how unsure she sounds. She needs the strong, conceited princess right now to push them through this trying moment.
"Alright, yeah," Emma rapidly agrees while Regina moves around the kitchen for a sippy-cup and some fresh water. She spins Lennox around and plops her on her right hip. She leans to her left and wiggles around, bouncing Lennox upon her hip to try and distract her. "Whoa, whoa, don't fall. Don't fall," she playfully teases, but Lennox digs her nails into Emma and cries even harder.
"She's clearly not in the mood for your shenanigans this evening," Regina exasperates, rolling those damn eyes again.
"I'm just trying anything at this point to distract her."
"She's clearly overtired," Regina tiredly responds, handing over the sippy-cup, but Lennox belts out a shrill screech and shoves the cup away. "Lennox, please."
"How about a fruity?" Emma suggests, peeking up at Regina for some reassurance, but the woman simply shrugs and quickly rushes to the refrigerator. "Huh, kiddo, you want a fruity?"
Regina swiftly unscrews the cap and offers the pouch. Lennox moves in a haste, snatching up the snack and locking her lips around it like she hasn't eaten all damn day.
"Do you think she's hungry?"
"I doubt it," Emma huffs, spinning the baby around to face outward again and she can already feel the judgement from Regina as to how she holds their goddaughter. "She had Mac-and-cheese for dinner."
"She did eat the whole cup's worth."
"Maybe she has a tummy ache?"
"I don't think she would be scarfing down the fruity if her stomach was bothering her. I'm sure she would have tossed that to the ground as well," Regina deadpans. "I think she's just overly tired. She's exhausted at this point and can't seem to calm down."
"Maybe it's something in the water," she mumbles, earning herself another eye roll from those bloodshot eyes.
Lennox scrunches her little eyebrows as she sucks the snack clean and then hands over the empty pouch to Regina. She's whimpering still, the aftermath of her temper tantrum wreaking havoc upon her little body.
Regina gently brushes her hair to the side and it's so tender, nothing like the cold-hearted princess that Emma has grown accustomed to bickering with, inspiring her heart to swell with a warmth that makes her feel hot all over. It's a weird sensation boiling inside of her, one she can't truly pinpoint or distinguish and she never thought she would ever feel something like this before while in the presence of the sassy brunette, but it's there. Her heart stutters in her chest, forcing her to hold her breath and she knows panic well enough by now to know that's what settling into her heart.
Regina must hate the long pause between them or she senses a heavy gaze full of curiosity upon her, either way, it encourages those big dark eyes to peer up and meet the green eyes widening in horror. Regina produces an audible gulp which only forces the panic within to pound even harder inside of Emma.
"I think she's good now," Emma mutters mostly to herself, extending Lennox forward with one hand.
Regina nods curtly, all vulnerability vanishing from her face as she accepts her goddaughter and cuddles her close. In a haste, Lennox stiffens, her back arching as she tries to throw herself from Regina's arms.
"Lennox, baby-"
"She clearly doesn't want to be held," Emma huffs, "why don't we just put her in her walker and put on some cartoons for her?"
"Really? It is way passed her bedtime and if we start that now, she's going to expect it every night."
"She's one. She doesn't know what to expect, all she knows is that she is uncomfortable right now."
"We need to maintain her routine, you heard the other parents in the neighborhood and I know Kathryn was strict about her daily and bedtime routines."
Emma sighs heavily, anxiously scratching her nails against her scalp as she tries to navigate through this bump in the road. "Alright, then what do you suggest?"
"I think she had her snack and rejected the water and it's time she gets her little butt back in bed," Regina sternly declares, already carrying the squirming baby back up the stairs.
"Great," Emma scoffs under her breath, slapping her hands against her thighs and trudging reluctantly behind Regina.
XXXX
Well, placing Lennox back in her crib only set her off all the more. Regina and Emma hid in the hallway, trying to ignore her cries and begging to any higher power that was listening and laughing at their current situation, to please take pity on them and make the wailing stop. Self-soothing wasn't something Lennox was remotely interested in, so screaming her head off seemed like the best option for her, for an entire hour.
Emma and Regina slumped against the wall in the hallway, knees to their chests and trying to cling to their sanity. Regina repeatedly ran her fingers through her hair, obsessing over whether or not she should take Lennox to the emergency room while Emma covered her ears and closed her eyes and debated with herself if she should jump off the roof. She had heard of shaken baby syndrome before and truthfully, she never really understood how it was even possible, until now. So, instead of hurting an innocent child, she figured she would just toss herself out the window or off the roof, either way.
"I can't take this," Emma hysterically states, scrambling to her feet and motivating Regina to follow her lead. "I'm going to lose my mind."
"I'm just going to get her."
"You can't," Emma demands, curling her fingers painfully around the woman's elbow.
"I can and I will."
"Fine," Emma easily caves, dropping Regina's elbow. "There is something radically wrong with that kid, clearly the devil himself has possessed her."
Regina doesn't bother offering an answer, she simply rolls those eyes and waltzes back into the room where hopes and dreams go to die. She swiftly scoops up the red-faced baby and sways dramatically from side to side while Lennox wiggles violently.
"Alright kid," Emma snatches the baby away, holding her up in the air so they are eye to eye. "Enough, this isn't cool anymore, knock it off."
"Yes, because she's up for reasoning and bargaining at this point," Regina scoffs, and Emma knows her tone is trying to express disdain, but she's overly exhausted and probably hungover at this point and she comes off more like she has given up on life.
Regina is quick to steal the baby back once more, inspiring Emma to wonder if Lennox is becoming queasy from all the times she has been handed back and forth?
"Maybe we should take her to the emergency room," she finally admits defeat, shrugging so carelessly, but the glare she receives in return has her mouth shutting up real quick.
"No, Emma, we are her guardians now and it's our responsibility, not anyone else's to get to know her and figure out what is wrong with her," she sternly scolds, persuading Emma's hands to shoot up in surrender and nod along before Regina tosses her right out the window.
"Alright, how about we take her for a drive?"
"A drive," Regina vacantly repeats.
"Yes, I know it's not ideal but at this point, we just need to calm her down."
Maybe Regina's on the brink of completely losing her sanity, but she curtly nods and follows Emma downstairs to the garage.
XXXX
Emma searched for some Disney songs on her phone, hooked it up to the car and cranked it up extra loud to distract Lennox. Regina climbed into the backseat with the screaming one-year-old, popped a bottle full of milk into her mouth and then they were on their way.
The first fifteen minutes of the drive, Lennox whimpered, but the wailing cries had finally died down and Emma and Regina were both too terrified to even speak. Another ten minutes later, Emma was cruising down the expressway, the lampposts shining through the windows every so often as Lennox's head rolled to the side. Ten more minutes after that, she had finally passed out.
Regina reaches toward the front seat to lower the music.
"She asleep?" Emma whispers, not truly peeking over her shoulder, but leaning back against her seat and straining her ears for confirmation.
"Finally."
"Thank god, that was brutal."
"It really was," comes the sleepy voice from somewhere behind her.
"I would obviously never hurt a child, but oh my god, that was fucking awful. I seriously thought about jumping out the window just to end the screaming."
It's barely a chuckle, but it's there and Emma wonders if the brunette is dozing off herself after such a tormenting day? So, she stays very quiet.
"I'm sorry," whispers brokenly into the night and this time Emma peeks over her shoulder to find watery brown eyes watching her intently.
"What?" She investigates, turning her attention back onto the road.
"I'm sorry for screwing up our first meeting with the case worker. I hardly ever drink, I swear, that's not who I am. I am responsible, reliable and tonight I wasn't there for Lennox...or you...and I'm so sorry, Emma."
And she doesn't have to sneak a peek in the rear-view mirror to know there are tears lodged in the back of Regina's throat.
"Regina, seriously, you don't have to apologize. I get it. This is fucking hard."
"But that's no excuse for my behavior this evening-"
"Listen, as much as you hate to admit it, as much as I hate to admit it, I do...know you," she sheepishly says, shrugging one shoulder and offering a crooked grin, even if the brunette can't see her. "After three years, I do know you and I know this was completely out of character for you, and I know that you love that kid more than anything and would never jeopardize or risk her future with us. It's okay to admit defeat sometimes. It's okay to feel and it's okay to have a night off."
"That's not who I am."
"I know that, too."
They fall silent, but for the first time Emma doesn't feel the awkward tension pulsating between them. She breathes through the comfortable silence and finally accepts that they are stepping in the right direction. Slugs move faster, but they are at least pointed in the right direction and she takes that as a win.
"Having a baby seems much more glamorous than it really is."
Emma snorts, then quickly slaps her hand over her mouth before she accidentally wakes Lennox up. She inhales sharply to push down her giggles, just so she can respond.
"I never liked kids. Even when I was a kid, I didn't like them and they didn't like me. I still don't like kids, but that one is different," she earnestly vows, nodding toward the backseat where a tear-soaked baby is passed the fuck out. "She like...cast a spell on me or something, because I would die for her."
"I know," Regina softly whispers, her fingers itching to sweep the baby hairs away from her forehead, but she wouldn't dare risk waking her.
"I was content being the cool aunt and never having kids of my own."
"I wasn't-"
"You were never the cool aunt-" she doesn't even get to finish her sentence before a sharp slap is stinging against her bicep. "Ow," she chuckles, but Regina is softly laughing with her and this kind of easygoing relationship is something she could get used to.
And that petrifies her.
"I always wanted children," and just by how soft and timid Regina sounds, Emma knows she is only revealing her truth because they are hidden in the shadows of the midnight world and maybe also because Emma isn't capable of looking into her eyes and judging her. "I worked so hard for a career, to be independent, yet desirable, accommodating and sweet on dates to work for that perfect family. To find someone to love and who would love me back so we could shower our baby with even more love..."
As Regina trails off, Emma swallows thickly, she feels as though she shouldn't be allowed to hear any of this, like she just found Regina's diary open and the words are jumping out at her, even though she knows it's so wrong. She knows Regina is half-asleep and barely lucid, so she feels like she's invading her privacy, even if Regina is speaking, handing over her secrets for Emma to hold on to.
"I always felt like I had motherly instincts, but now-"
"Now, you were tossed a kid that isn't yours and yeah, it's gonna take a long time before we get to really know her, but we'll get there. Regina," she says with a type of urgency that has brown eyes meeting green in the rear-view mirror. "You're a great mom."
Regina doesn't say anything in return, but Emma sees her trying to be discreet as she swipes a tear away and leans heavily into the car seat like she's waiting for Lennox's validation as well.