Chapter 9 – Action After Noon
A/N: I'd like to note that Ex's brain won't have a photographic memory on the pokémon-related subject of material from other pokémon fanfictions. If I want to allude to a different fic using his brain, or have his brain "remember" an idea that's so obvious it's probably been done before even if I haven't personally seen it, I'll give his brain a "hazy" recollection of the idea. Doing anything more, like giving it perfect recall on all existing pokémon fanfictions, would open up too large a can of worms. (As if letting him know about YouTube and Bulbapedia hasn't already done that.)
Incentives and Incomes
Amber heard Ex give a single, low whistle. She looked through the steam of her bowl of stew. "What is it?"
His eyes lifted from the screen of his Pokédex. He was wearing a massive grin. "Remember how I joked yesterday about charging you for my lectures?"
"Um..." She cast back her thoughts.
Ex... explained his Pickup Party... then said something about his ideas being worth money, but she was getting them for free. It hadn't been a very good joke.
"I remember. What about it?"
"Yeah, if I ever say that again, I won't be joking." He stood up, walked forward, and flipped his Pokédex around. "Check it out."
Amber's eyes searched from their perch. When they saw the amount in his account, they nearly popped out. "What?!" she gasped. Then, in almost a shout, "Where did you GET all that?"
"My lecture," he bragged smugly. "No joke. You can look at the deposit notes from Professor Oak if you want. Here." He handed her the dex. "Hit the little mail icon."
Three minutes later, after Amber had read every item and double-checked the numbers, she was still having a hard time believing it. She wasn't good enough with math to add them up in her head, but then, she didn't have to add them when ₽45,475 was right there at the bottom.
As if reading her thoughts, Ex said, "I already spent most of the money from items 1-4, not including 2.1, so the current balance is a bit lower than the total sum. And I'll be getting another fifty once that communication technique gets peer reviewed."
"Another fifty?" Amber asked, just starting to get over her shock. "That's not nearly as much as everything else."
"No, another fifty-thousand."
The shock came back full force. "Fifty thousand?"
"Yup," Ex said, still smiling smugly. "Add on top of that the Nuggets I've already gotten, and the extra Nuggets I'll probably get today and tomorrow, and I'll have around a hundred and thirty thousand pokédollars by the time we reach Viridian. More if I make any more interesting discoveries."
Amber's mind was officially blown.
She handed Ex his Pokédex in something of a daze, then took out her own.
Account of Pokémon Trainer Amber
Current Balance:
₽0
"And I still have nothing," she grumbled.
"Cheer up. I'm sure you'll get there eventually."
Amber shook her head. "Pokémon Trainers don't usually make much money. Not that much, anyway."
Ex seemed to pause. "Um... how much do trainers usually make?"
"I don't know," Amber frowned. "Mom said trainers earn the same as waiters. Not much. Plus, a lot of that goes into training, so it's less."
"You're not doing a good job of promoting the profession," he said, though he said it with a smile.
"I guess not," she shrugged. "Mom said pokémon training is only good if you're too young for a normal job – like us – or if you're really, really good at it and you really, really like it. Most people train pokémon for fun when they get older, not a job. Dad said it's a good way for kids to learn about the world, but not to make money. Most Pokémon Trainers become something else when they grow up."
"Ah," he nodded sagely. "So it's like a coming-of-age thing."
"A what?"
"I mean... it's supposed to build character," Ex said, using a phrase her father had used many times. "And it might act like a resume, I guess." He paused again. "Are there any... immediate benefits to becoming a Pokémon Trainer, instead of the long-term ones?"
"A free Pokédex," Amber said instantly. "These-" she pointed "-are pretty expensive. We can't do anything private, but it's still a good deal."
Ex tilted his head. "Anything else?"
"You get to spend all day outside, not at some boring desk job. And you spend a lot of time with Pokémon."
He tilted his head further. "Anything else that's money-related?"
Amber shook her own. "Pokémon training's not about money."
"It's like a job you don't get paid for,"* he said distantly, and in a voice so quiet she almost didn't hear him. Then his eyes focused on hers again. "So there aren't any wealthy trainers?" he pressed. "No Rich Boys or Ladies going around?"
"I didn't say that," she giggled. "Gym leaders make plenty, and so do the Elite Four and Champion. And famous trainers make even more money than them, sometimes."
Ex's voice went distant again. "Pokémon officials getting paid more than minimum wage makes sense – or the waiter version of minimum wage, anyway. But 'famous' trainers? How do they make money?"
"Same way as any celebrity," she said with a shrug. "You can look it up if you want."
* The full quote is "Pokémon isn't about fun. It's about math. Math, and winning. It's like job you don't get paid for, ya frickin' dingus." -EV Trainer, S2 E4 Pokémon Rusty.
And boy is the first half of that quote just begging to be used in a story like this.
Silph Sponsorships
He looked it up, but Ex didn't find anything surprising. Amber was right, it was typical celebrity fanfare: sponsorships, endorsements, appearing in ads, autographs, memorabilia, that kind of thing. He also found that "Specialist" trainers – Breeders, Rangers, Scientists, Psychics, and others with special skill sets – also made more than normal trainers. Those who earned the prefix "ace" or "veteran" made the most, since they were more "generalists" than "specialists".
But the very best trainers are a different story. According to the article, many significant figures across economics, culture, science, and politics were sponsored by Silph Co. when they were young trainers. The company chooses one new trainer per region per year to sponsor, and that trainer tends to make a lot of money from the opportunities that follow. Usually it's the winner of the yearly tournament who gets sponsored, but not always. Amazing achievements, innovative discoveries, and other great acts of trainership can influence Silph's decision.
Some well-known Silph-sponsored trainers from Kanto are Red (5 years ago), Lance (13 years ago), Giovanni (33 years ago), and – surprisingly enough – Samuel Oak, back before he became a Professor (50 years ago). But when Ex thought about it, Professor Oak having been a trainer once wasn't really a surprise in a world where childhood trainership is tradition.
Red being here was the true surprise. His brain noted that if Red had his journey five years ago, all the events of the games might have already played out, including the stuff with Team Rocket. His brain wanted to look up 'Did Giovanni Disband Team Rocket?', but Ex wondered if he should be more careful about what, exactly, he typed into the search function of his public Pokédex. He didn't know what got sent to Professor Oak and what didn't, so better to be safe than sorry.
He then wondered if he should shoot for the sponsorship himself. If he kept up his current pace, he'd probably get there eventually, so he decided not to stress over it.
Ex also wondered, thanks to the 'Red' issue, which version of Pokémon he was 'playing'. Gary's existence and age implied that Ex was on the anime timeline, possibly taking Ash's place, but beyond that he couldn't guess.
And in a few minutes, he wouldn't have to.
Ashen
Just as Ex and Amber were finishing lunch, footsteps could be heard from the main path of the Route above. Ex grabbed his backpack and rushed up to intercept the possible trainer, leaving an annoyed Amber behind.
Once he'd climbed the crest of the slope, Ex saw a very familiar trainer in very unfamiliar solitude walking down Route One.
"Ash?" he asked automatically, without thought or hesitation.
Or is it Satoshi? his brain asked, also automatically. Come to think of it, why does this world use English instead of Japanese?
The disheveled, dirty, dreary-looking ten-year-old looked up from the ground, which he had been staring at in a daze. "Huh?" The boy's eyes took in the sight of the first new trainer they had seen that day. "Do I know you?"
Crap, Ex thought. Another foreknowledge slip. He really had to be more careful about that sort of thing.
"No, but Professor Oak told me about you," his lips lied. "I wanted to know what other trainers were on Route One, so I asked."
There, thought his brain. That sounds plausible enough.
"Oh."
There was a brief pause.
Ex looked for the iconic mascot, puzzled by its absence. "He gave you a Pikachu, right?"
The anime protagonist's eyes dipped back to the ground. "Yeah," Ash whispered, sadly and softly. "He did."
The implication felt like a punch to Ex's stomach, and he realized the boy was full-blown depressed, not merely weary.
"Is- is Pikachu alright?" Ex asked, voice almost faltering.
He hated that he felt this way, but it was involuntary. Ex would be the first to complain, loudly and often, about the problem Nintendo had with giving way too much attention to Pikachu. Hundreds of anime episodes, exclusive trading cards, different in-game forms like the 'Ash Cap' Pikachu, items like the Light Ball, moves like Volt Tackle, and other special treatment were all excellent ways to get children emotionally attached to the mascot.
(Nintendo also did this with Charizard and Meowth to a lesser extent. Oh, the irony.)
The problem with that sort of marketing was that it worked, and now Ex was deathly fearful that...
"I don't know!" Ash shouted, suddenly hysterical. "We were attacked by a bunch of wild pokémon-"
Spearow, thought his brain.
"-and he beat them all with an electric attack-"
Thunder Shock?
"-but then he wasn't moving-"
Fainted by Peck.
"-so I tried using the Potions Professor Oak gave me, but they didn't work-"
Should have used a Revive.
"-so I put him in his Pokéball instead and- and-"
Pikachu in a Pokéball? thought his brain, dropping its emotionless analysis in favor of mock horror. Blasphemy!
Ex imagined himself glaring at it. Shut. Up.
"-and girl I met before the attack said there was a Pokémon Center in Viridian City-"
Misty.
"-and she said it wasn't far-"
3 days 'isn't far'?
"-but I've been walking for a long time and I even rode some of the way on a bike, but then we still weren't there by sunset so I had to stop and sleep, but when I woke up I lost the trail, but then I found it again, but I still haven't gotten to Viridian!"
Ash was now crying.
If the attack happened during yesterday's rain, Ex thought, and he hasn't reached Viridian yet...
Route 1 takes 3 days to complete, his brain said, annoyed at repeating itself. But shouldn't Pikachu have healed overnight?
Ex considered the question. Maybe injuries incurred outside normal battles don't heal normally. It's not like the Rattata we've beaten and eaten will be 'healing overnight'. They're just... dead...
"And I don't even know how far I have left to go!" Ash added in between sobs. He had barely been holding himself upright before that point, and at that point he broke down completely, collapsing to the ground in a pitiful prostration.
Ex felt a pang of sympathy for Ash when he realized that Pikachu might have been permanently hurt. Seeing the main character of the show he'd watched so many times laid so low stirred up a great mix of emotions, but before he could act on any of them-
"It should say where we are on your Pokédex," his brain automatically offered. "There's a Kanto Map there."
"There is?" Ash asked, looking up and looking hopeful for the first time since the attack. "Let me see!"
Ex watched Ash take out a Pokédex that was a great deal bulkier than his, not to mention older and less advanced. It was a perfect match to the anime Pokédex.
"There isn't a map here," Ash said after a minute of searching. "All the Pokédex does is talk about Pokémon."
This was the first time Ex explicitly noticed the high tech of his own Pokédex, and Amber's as well. It was thin, sleek, and powerful – like a mix between a laptop and a Nintendo DS with an internet connection- no, with an unlimited access to phone data. This contrasted rather sharply with what Ash was holding, which was closer to a toy than actual tech. If its functions matched the anime as much as the looks did – which he assumed to be the case based on what Ash just said – then it was just a collection of Pokédex entries with a text-to-speech function, nothing more.
"Well, ours have maps," Amber said, climbing the small hill separating the river from the rest of the Route and injecting herself into the conversation.
Ex didn't know how much she'd heard so far, but he hoped it didn't include his earlier slip-up. She'd be able to call out his cover story for the lie that it was.
Amber was looking at her own Pokédex as she approached. If she had heard, she didn't give any sign. "Right now, we're... not even halfway to Viridian."
Ex breathed an internal sigh of relief, then checked his own Pokédex. "We're about a quarter of the way there," he said, "so it should take a few more days of walking."
"That's too long!" Ash shouted, desperate and despairing. "I need a Pokémon Center now!"
"Or a Revive," Ex's brain interjected instantly. "Pokécenters aren't the only way to heal Pokémon."
"A Revive?"
"You know, the thing that heals a Fainted pokémon to half health," Ex explained.
"It's a small, yellow Medicine in the shape of a square bipyramid," his brain added.
"A square bi-what?" Amber asked beside him.
His brain used his lips to sigh, then explained that little bit of geometry. "A square bipyramid is the 3-D object you get when you combine two square pyramids at their bases."
Geometry, being a big part of math, was not outside the scope of his brain's knowledge, though it was skirting the edges.
His brain took out a Revive from his bag to demonstrate. "Like this. See? Some might incorrectly call this a diamond shape, but it's actually two pyramids – thus, a bipyramid. And by the way, this is also what a Revive looks like, since I don't just keep random bipyramids in my backpack."
Ash, now knowing what a Revive did and was, punched the ground, his face twisting. "But I don't have one of those!"
"I do," his brain stated calmly. "Obviously. I could sell you one for ₽750. That's half of what you would pay in the store."
You're really going to extort him? Ex asked privately. This is PIKACHU we're talking about. Have a heart.
Have a brain, his brain thought back. If we solve all his problems for him, he won't learn anything. Relying on a disobedient pokémon, crushing Misty's Bike, provoking a flock of Spearow – these are all things that trainers shouldn't do.
Ex thought for a moment, then sighed privately. I guess it wouldn't be smart to play the part of his Deus ex Machina.
"But I don't have any money," Ash said, his face twisting further.
Don't you think he's suffered enough?
It was still hard for Ex to ignore his feelings of sympathy entirely. His brain, on the other hand...
No.
"New trainers start with ₽2,000-" Ex's brain began, but Ex stopped it from going further.
If he can't use his Pokédex to access a Kanto map, he might not be able to access his account. Besides, I know EXACLY how we can teach him the lesson he needs to learn.
"You know what?" Ex said, taking over. "I just had a different idea for how you can pay me back. Trainers earn money from battles, so if I heal Pikachu for you, how about you have a battle with me and..."
Prime has HP Ground, his brain thought. Super Effective against Electric.
"... one of my Meowth?"
But Charmander is a higher level.
"Or my Charmander?"
"But wouldn't Pikachu just get hurt again?" Ash asked, clearly torn between being grateful and being apprehensive.
"Not like he did earlier," Ex shook his head. "In normal battles, Pokémon don't get permanently injured, they just Faint – and that they can sleep off."
"Then I'll do it!" Ash shouted enthusiastically. But then he hesitated. "Wait a minute, what if the Revives don't work?"
Ex shrugged. "Then I have some natural Oran Berries, which might be effective where your artificial Potions failed. Promise to battle me and they're yours – if the Revive doesn't work, I mean."
"Okay," Ash nodded. "I promise!"
"It's a deal. Let me call my pokémon," he said, needing only a moment to remember how to menu back to the 'Follow Me' feature. "Then we can heal your Pikachu."
Not long ago – after he knew more of Experience – Ex wanted to know if he could transmit move commands through his Pokédex, like players presumably did in the games. If so, he'd be able to micromanage his team's battles and Experience gains to perfection. If he could 'see through their eyes' for live battles like he could do for past ones, he might be able to 'tell them what to do'.
No luck – he couldn't even watch battles live. The 'see through my pokémon's eyes' function was a post-action feature, not something he could use in the middle of a battle.
There was, however, a feature that worked like a dog whistle. Ex's party was currently out of hearing range, but with a simple sequence of button pressing, he could let any combination of team members know he wanted them to return. The feature was called 'Follow Me' (not to be confused with the move of the same name), and with it he could call individual pokémon to his current location – well, to the locations of their Pokéballs – in however much time it took them to run there.
"Alright," Ex said when Prime and Charmander were headed back. "Let's see your Pikachu."
"Okay," Ash nodded. "Come on out, Pikachu!" He threw a Pokéball forward, which landed on the ground.
It opened to reveal-
A perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, perfectly uninjured Pikachu.
...
Ash stared at his Starter in shock.
Pikachu stared back at his trainer in annoyance.
Ex was annoyed as well, bordering on angry. "Please tell me," he seethed, "you didn't forget to check your own pokémon's condition this morning and get yourself all worked up over nothing."
"I-" Ash choked, "I thought it wouldn't be safe to let him out of his Pokéball if he was hurt." His ashen expression was quickly evolving into a relieved one. "Pikachu, you're okay!"
He dashed forward, probably with the intent to hug, but Pikachu used Thunder Shock. The electric mouse then used a whip of the tail to slap the Pokéball away from himself, which hit the head of its downed trainer. "Pika Pikachu! Pika Pika Chu Chu Pika!"
Amber giggled at the friendly fire. "Your Pikachu can talk already? And he can understand you? Wow."
It's male, his brain noted. So that matches.
Ash's body twitched on the ground, smoke coming from his mouth in a cartoony fashion. "W-what do you mean?" he asked from his pile of ash.
"Pikachu said, 'Of course I'm okay! Don't put me in that thing again!'" Amber translated. "Our Pokémon can't even use full sentences."
"And they can't understand my human language," Ex said. "So they aren't even sapient yet, let alone smart."
(If Ex didn't have amnesia, he might have estimated that his team: was already past the intelligence level of eye-seeing dogs, one of the smartest non-sapient creatures on Earth; was currently at the level of Bonobos and Chimpanzees, sometimes called 'semi-sapient'; and was quickly approaching the level of Dolphins, Elephants, and Whales, which were the closest you could get to non-human sapient animals. But Ex didn't need to remember his old world to recognize that Pikachu was human-level – i.e. fully sapient.)
"Normally," Ex said, looking at Pikachu curiously, "it takes a while for pokémon to get smart enough to talk, and smart enough to respond to human language as fluidly as Pikachu did just now."
Two weeks, Ex's brain thought quietly. That was the minimum threshold for the beginnings of Pokémon sapience, according to the articles.
"But your Pikachu is already there. Did he originally belong to someone else? Has he been Captured for a long time?"
"I don't know," Ash said, struggling to stand up.
Pikachu scoffed. "Chu."
"'No'," Amber helpfully informed them.
Ash looked at Amber. "You can really understand Pikachu?"
"Of course," Amber said smugly. "Woman's intuition."
Ex rolled his eyes. "She means she's a Pokémon Translator."
Ex had figured that out eventually.
Pokémon Translators were either humans with the ability to understand pokémon or pokémon with the ability to speak with humans. This ability could sometimes be deliberately developed in pokémon – especially sapient Psychic types – but it could not be trained in or taught to humans, as far as scientists here were aware. If you were a human, either you had it or you didn't, and over 99.9999% of humans didn't have it. The odds were fewer than one in a million.
He had looked this up after remembering the term 'Pokémon Translator' from the articles on sapience.
"A Pokémon Translator?" Ash asked. "That's rare." Duh. "Say! Maybe we should travel together-"
"Nope," Ex interrupted. "No can do."
Ex didn't plan on adding another newbie to the mix. Even if he could Attract Legendaries like a Magnet Pull, and even if he was Ash, the downsides were too great.
"Why not?" Amber asked.
Because even though you're tolerable and teachable, Ex thought, the trainer that thought it would be a good idea, four years into his journey and after a full night of strategizing and thinking, to only prepare a single pokémon for the fight against the fourth gym battle of the Unova region* probably wouldn't be fun to bring along. Not to mention the Thunder he used on his own Swellow, which only worked because of anime logic. People like that not only never learned, they never realized they were helpless. AND trying to teach them is like banging your head against a wall.
"Because it's one more mouth to feed," Ex's brain said out loud. It was better at lying than Ex was. "Two, actually."
"But the more the merrier, right?" Amber asked. "I mean, it doesn't really matter if there's one more mouth to feed," she clarified. "We still have leftovers from lunch." She looked down at their equipment by the river. "A lot of leftovers."
Ash's eyes followed her gaze, his stomach giving a loud rumble when they saw the food.
"He'd eat us out of home and house," his brain reiterated, and it realized that it wasn't even lying anymore. Gluttony was a quirk of Ash from the anime, it recalled.
On the other hand, Ex allowed, most of Ash's stupidity was the result of plot contrivances which were invented to keep him from changing – it's the same reason for him always staying ten years old, which can't POSSIBLY happen here or I'm just giving up. So maybe a real Ash WOULD be tolerable.
So what are you going to do?
Ex took a moment to decide while he watched Ash drool.
I think I'm familiar enough with Ash's journey, he thought. I want to have my own. At most, I'll just keep tabs on him.
Ex retook control of his mouth, his decision made. "Ash can have the leftovers in exchange for owing us a favor, but we're parting ways after that."
"But there's only one path," Ash complained. "We can't 'part ways' if we all walk down the same road."
"Then give us a head start and take it easy," Ex shrugged.
A rustling alerted everyone present to the nearby wilderness, halting the conversation. Wild pokémon attacks did happen outside of Tall Grass sometimes.
Thankfully, this wasn't an attack.
"Char!"/"Owth!"
Ex grinned. "In fact, you won't have a choice. Once we crush your Pikachu, you're going to need the time to recover."
* BW Episode 50.
Precautious Preparations
"Oh, it is so on! Pikachu, you ready for a battle?"
"Pikachu!" the Electric Mouse Pokémon shouted. His eyes narrowed at Ex and he ran a few steps forward in front of his trainer.
"Then give it your all!" Ash shouted. He turned to Ex. "Which pokémon are you using?"
"Give me a moment to decide who's going to get the pleasure."
Brain? he thought. Do your thing.
It grinned evilly. With pleasure.
It then took over, though it only assumed direct control of his eyes and the hand holding the Pokédex.
1st order of business, his brain thought, and pointed it at the opponent. Pikachu is... level 8, meaning he's already earned at least 1153 Experience.
Woah, thought Ex. Where did he get all that Experience if he was Fainted most of yesterday?
His brain pulled up a mental freeze-frame of a certain scene in the anime,* counted the birds silhouetted by a backdrop of a thunderstorm, then put some values through the math machine.
Fainting 48 level 2-4 Spearow in 1 attack while at level 5 would do it.
Ex paused. He didn't realize there had been that many. Also...
Why do you think Pikachu started at level 5? Why not level 1, or level 6 or 7?
His brain scoffed. If he was any higher he wouldn't be a Starter, and if he Fainted 48 Spearow in a single attack while at a LOWER level than 5, he'd currently be a HIGHER level than 8.
Umm... how?
Because scaled Experience is 'realistic' that way, his brain scoffed sarcastically. It seemed rather sore about that, for some reason.
Makes sense, Ex agreed with some sarcasm of his own.
On the plus side, that's something we can eventually exploit.
I know that already. Can we get back to the important things?
Thought you ought to know, his brain shrugged. But sure. Ash is probably Pikachu's OT, since any multipliers – like Traded x1.5 – would have also put him beyond level 8.
That wasn't exactly what Ex meant by 'important', but...
Amber already said Pikachu denied having a previous trainer, Ex pointed out. If he didn't have a previous trainer, how did he become sapient?
If there was some quick way for his own pokémon to get smart, he wanted to know it.
In the anime, Pikachu first came from a Pokéball, not the wild, his brain observed. Maybe he was Captured in a Pokéball by Oak but not registered to a trainer, just like the other Starters. Only, Oak didn't have a reason to give Pikachu away until he had a day where 4 fresh trainers needed 4 Starters back-to-back. Maybe Oak forgot about the Capture, and so Pikachu slowly grew sapient over time in his Pokéball, like the articles said could happen. It might not have happened quickly.
It sounded plausible, but Ex immediately noticed a problem.
If THAT was what happened, why didn't Pikachu release himself before he could be given to Ash? Sapient Pokémon are supposed to be able to do that, and Pikachu hates Pokéballs, even here.
His brain gave a robotic-sounding hmm noise, recalling a different anime scene – the one where Ash learns that all the other Starters are taken.
The machine holding the balls of the other Starters contained Pikachu's Pokéball inside an internal compartment. Maybe pokémon can only release themselves if there's enough space outside the physical ball for them to manifest. Ash pulled Pikachu's Pokéball from his backpack just now, and if there wasn't enough space inside (or if it was filled with dirty laundry), that would explain why Pikachu didn't release himself this morning either, despite being healed AND still hating Pokéballs.
That isn't good, Ex thought. If confined Pokéballs can confine sapient Pokémon, that bypasses the moral reassurances from the scientific papers. I'll have to email Professor Oak.
You do you, it shrugged again. 2nd order of business: Experience.
It scrolled through his own team and did a bit of math.
Charmander is level 9, Prime is 7. In a 1-v-1 trainer battle against a level 8 Pikachu under the Gen 5 algorithm, they would earn 179 and 218 Experience, respectively. Assuming they'd each need... let's say 5 attacking move PP at most to win... this battle with Pikachu will be more efficient, Experience-to-PP-wise, than Flawless Victories against level 2-4 Rattata.
They had started encountering level four Rattata early in the morning, in addition to levels two and three.
Ex scoffed. I'd still do the battle anyway even if it WASN'T more efficient for Experience.
Why? Experience is king.
And money is power, if you want pragmatism. We earn money from battles, remember?
But his brain shook its head. We're probably going to lose money on this deal, unless this battle gives more than ₽750. We agreed to give Ash a Revive, remember?
For the kicks, then. And for experience – the normal kind, not the pokémon kind. I want to battle Ash at least once.
If you say so, his brain shrugged. The Experience works out, so I'm satisfied. 3rd and final order of business: Battle Damage Calculations...
* I counted 48 Spearow from the anime scene where the Spearow are flying at Ash and Pikachu, 17 minutes and 44 seconds in (on Netflix).
Interlude: Pokédex Problems
"Charmander, I choose you!" Ex shouted.
Prime stepped back, looking disappointed, and Charmander stepped forward, looking determined.
"A Charmander, huh?" Ash asked, pointing his bulky Pokédex at Ex's pokémon.
"C-h-a-r-m-a-n-d-e-r," said a robotic voice. "The Lizard Pokémon. Charmander's health can be gauged by the fire on the tip of its tail, which burns intensely when it's in good health."
Really? Ex asked his brain. I thought the tail burned brightly during Blaze, when Charmander is on LOW health.
His brain scoffed. Pokémon lore demands we ignore that. The other Fire Starters are fine – Cyndaquil's back flares up with Blaze, and so do Blaziken's wrists, Infernape's head hair, Emboar's shoulder flames, Delphox's stick, and so on.
Why ignore Charmander's tail though?
His brain's voice suddenly acquired a great deal of sarcasm. Again.
Because we NEEDED to have this whole long episode about Charmander almost dying and Ash keeping it alive by protecting the tail flame, just to establish that Ash was a better person than Charmander's OT, and we NEEDED to retcon the Pokédex entries of the video games to FIT that episode. The Gen 1 entries just describe the open flame, and pokémon Stadium even made a joke about Charmander burning itself. But Gen 2, which was made after the anime's first season, switched to the flame = life entries, and it's been that way ever since. Gen 3 changed it to tail flame = emotions, which helps with the Blaze problem, but it also just added more inconsistencies.
His brain imagined fanning itself with cool air to deal with the stress that arose whenever it had to take inconsistencies into account.
In any case, you know Pokédex entries are NOT reliable. I mean, just look at our own entry.
From the time it is born, a flame burns at the tip of its tail. It has a preference for hot things. When it rains, steam is said to spout from the tip of its tail. The flame makes a crackling sound as it burns. You can only hear it in quiet places. If Charmander dies, the flame goes out.*
That's like a mix between all the different Kanto entries in the games. Ours sounds more accurate, sure, but that still means it's different from Ash's. And I bet ours isn't the only one with the problem.
"Amber," his brain said out loud. "Mind if I see your Pokédex?"
If different versions of the games had different versions of the Pokédex entries, so might different trainers.
Hers read:
Even newborns have flaming tails. The flame that burns at the tip is an indication of its emotions and life force. If Charmander is healthy, the flame burns brightly. If it is weak, the flame burns weakly. If it is happy, the flame wavers. If it is enraged, the flame blazes.**
See? his brain asked as Ex returned her dex. Neither of those were the same as the entry from Ash's Pokédex OR each other. Hers was like Hoenn's and Johto's entries, ours was like Kanto's, and Ash's was like the anime's. Inconsistent, thus unreliable.
Yeah, Ex sighed. You'd think the Pokémon Professors would take this sort of thing more seriously.
Maybe they do, his brain offered. What if they keep the good entries to themselves, but they give wrong entries to children as a joke?
Could be. Got any proof?
I think I remember reading a few theories to that effect, his brain shrugged. Those memories are strangely hazy though. We must have read those theories before we got here, maybe just before going to sleep, like the speedruns.
We're getting off track, Ex thought. It's time to battle.
* Ex's entry on Charmander is a combination of the entries from FireRed, LeafGreen, and Pokémon Yellow.
** Amber's entry on Charmander is a combination of the entries from Stadium, Gold, Silver, and Emerald.
A Thunderous Thrashing
"Charmander, get ready to crush that Pikachu," Ex grinned.
"Fight Fight Fight!" Charmander rallied.
"Pikachu, get ready to mop the floor with that Charmander!" the new boy shouted back.
Pikachu struck a pose. "You bet!"
Amber rolled her eyes. She was about to watch two competitive boys and their competitive pokémon butt heads. Typical.
"I'm going to win!" Pikachu declared to its opponent.
"No No No!" Charmander bantered back, eyes blazing. "Me Me Me! Fight Fight Fight! Win Win Win!"
Amber tried not to laugh, but some giggles still escaped.
"Amber," Ex said suddenly, his attention caught by her mirth. "Can you referee?"
Wonderful.
"Sure," the girl sighed. She'd seen enough pokémon battles on TV to know the basics.
"Thanks," Ex nodded.
"Thanks!" the new boy shouted loudly, his voice grating on her ears.
Maybe Ex was right about not bringing him along. He was a bit obnoxious.
She walked over to a good vantage point in between the two trainers. "This will be a one-on-one battle between Charmander and Pikachu," she said, the words extremely familiar after seeing so many battles on TV. "The first to Faint loses." Taking her duty as a referee seriously, she held out her Pokédex and trained it on the battlefield. "Are both trainers ready?"
Both nodded.
"Then begin!"
The new boy looked at Charmander's tail, which was burning strong and bright.
"I guess your Charmander is pretty healthy, huh? Well, he won't be for long! Pikachu, use Thunder Shock!"
"Charmander, Ember!"
Pikachu launched its attack before Charmander, the Thunder Shock moving earlier and faster than Ember.
Ex's brain didn't know if Pikachu went first because he out-Sped Charmander, won Speed tie RNG, or if it was simply because Ash gave the first order. Ex's brain had wanted to give the first order, but Ex insisted on waiting until Ash moved first.
Was he the same idiot as in the anime? That was the question.
Amber watched diligently. No fouls yet.
Ember connected with Pikachu not long after Thunder Shock hit Charmander. Pikachu's health bar was a little lower than Charmander's, but they were both still in the green.
"Pikachu!" Ash said, clearly uncomfortable that his Pokémon was hurt, but just as clearly trying to push through. "Use Tail Whip!"
Aaaaaand he blew it, thought Ex as a white, glowing tail passed through Charmander. Worse than Gary blew it. There's no point in lowering Charmander's Defense if you only have Special Attacks.
"Charmander, Ember again!"
The flames hit Pikachu before the Electric Mouse could get away, making Pikachu trip and cry out in pain. A third of Pikachu's health remained, according to his Pokédex.
Ash gave an angry growl. "Pikachu, hit that Charmander with another Thunder Shock!"
Charmander took the attack, the thin line of electricity causing her to wince in pain.
Ex didn't bother having Charmander eat its Held Item before giving the order that would probably Faint Pikachu. An Oran Berry wouldn't heal Charmander to full after that second Thunder Shock – the first had done seven damage, and Oran only healed ten points – so there was no point in trying to eat it for a Flawless Victory. He would heal Charmander with a Potion after the fight and save the Oran Berry for training.
"Ember again, Charmander!"
Pikachu collapsed, but did not Faint, to Amber's surprise. A glance at her Pokédex showed he was on a sliver of health.
"Pikachu!" the new boy shouted, stepping forward.
"No!" his pokémon shouted back, shaking his head. "I want to finish!"
"Time out!" Amber spoke suddenly from the sidelines, bringing all action to a halt, including the new boy's now-aborted dash. "Ash, if you interfere, that's a foul and you forfeit the match."
"But..." said the boy, clearly concerned for his pokémon.
Amber sighed. Normally she would be on his side, but...
"Pikachu wants to keep fighting," she reluctantly translated.
"He does?" he asked, looking torn.
"YES!" Pikachu shouted.
Amber sighed again.
Boys.
"He doesn't want you to get in the way, so maybe you should step back."
But despite his pokémon's desires, Ash didn't move.
"When I say time in," Amber added as a consolation, "Pikachu gets the first move. He was going to move next anyway, so it's fair. He can still get one more attack in. Okay?"
Ash looked at his pokémon. "You really want to keep fighting, buddy?"
"Yes I do!" Pikachu shouted with clear determination.
"Alright then!" Ash decided, stepping back away from the battle. "I'll let you decide your next move!"
"Time in!" Amber called.
"Go, Pikachu!"
Electricity began crackling around Pikachu's cheeks, but rather than being released like a normal Thunder Shock, the electricity spread to the rest of its body.
"Here we..."
The charge built and built, until Pikachu's entire body was sparking and glowing with power.
"Goooooo!"
A massive pillar of electricity shot into the sky, causing the clouds to darken ominously.
"Alright, Pikachu!" Ash cheered.
Thunder, Ex's brain observed the obvious.
Ex's eyes were wide as a Whismur's mouth. WHAT THE F-
"Charmander!" his brain shouted out loud, then used Ex's mouth to issue an order.
-URRET?!
Amber's eyes were on the sky. She watched, almost in slow motion, as another great pillar of electricity filled the air, this one descending from the heavens.
Right on top of Charmander.
Amber had to close her eyes to block out the brightness. She also had to clasp her ears shut to negate the noise. The move Thunder wasn't as loud as actual thunder – her eardrums came nowhere close to bursting – but it was still very loud. When the light and sound diminished and she could see and hear again, smoke covered the battlefield and an eerie silence filled the air.
Then the dust settled.
On one side of the battle, an electric mouse was on his knees and on the verge of collapse, but his face was grave and determined.
And on the other side...
A charred salamander stood, panting heavily with its knees shaking.
Amber was shocked (figuratively).
How did Charmander not FAINT? she thought. She's deep in the yellow, sure, but STILL...
Okay, what just happened? Ex asked, trying and failing to reboot his thoughts.
A level 8 Pikachu's Thunder had a damage range of about 50% to 75% against our Charmander, given her stats, his brain calculated. Good thing we had that Oran. Otherwise we would have lost. Oran sure are reliable at this level.
Ex didn't respond. He just stared dumbly at the battlefield.
And would you look at that, it added as an afterthought, noticing her tail burning more brightly than it had at the start of the battle. Ash's Pokédex was wrong after all.
"Charmander," his brain said, encountering no resistance as it exerted control over Ex's lips and voice, "Scratch!"
Unfortunately, thought his brain as Charmander charged forward, we can't take advantage of Blaze since we're out of Embers, and even if we could, Pikachu's only on 1 HP so the extra damage wouldn't have made a difference.
But Charmander froze in place before she could reach Pikachu, and his brain realized it was counting its Torchic eggs before they hatched. A few sparks of electricity emanated from her body and she spasmed jerkily.
Charmander is Paralyzed! his brain deduced. She couldn't move!
WHAT?!
"Now's your chance, Pikachu!" Ash called out. "Use Thunder Shock!"
That attack did go through, not that it had any reason not to. Charmander managed to endure it on a single hit point, like Pikachu.
We've got a 75% chance to win with the next move, his brain thought. I HATE relying on luck.
"Charmander!" it shouted. "Scratch!"
Charmander staggered up and staggered forward. She had covered most of the distance before Paralysis kicked in the first time, and she now stood directly above the electric mouse. Her claw enlarged, glowed white, and slashed forward.
The attack connected with Pikachu-
Foe Pikachu Fainted! said the message on Ex's Pokédex, though neither Ex nor his brain saw it. Close Call! Charmander gained 365 Exp. Points!
-Charmander released a plume of smoke from her mouth as she roared in triumph-
Charmander grew to LV. 10! Charmander learned Smokescreen!
-"Pikachu is unable to battle!" Amber declared. "Charmander wins!"-
Trainer Ex defeated Trainer Ash! Trainer Ex earned ₽280 for winning!
-and it was over.
"Pikachu!" Ash shouted, dashing forward. "Are you alright, buddy?"
"Pikaaaaaa, (I'm fiiiiine,)" the mouse mumbled in a daze, its eyes swirling.
Ex's brain, which was still in control of his whole body, attempted to calmly walk forward, but its movements ended up being stilted and unnatural. Still, it successfully sprayed Charmander with a Potion and healed her to green, then it reached into Ex's backpack, reached into his Berry Pouch, extracted an Oran Berry and a Cheri Berry, and healed her to perfect health. It also retrieved a Revive from a different compartment.
"Ash, use this." It threw the square bipyramid. "A Revive, as promised."
Ash turned in time to see the small Item flying at him. The boy snatched it out of the air, then looked at it with a frown. "How do I use it?"
"Put it in Pikachu's mouth." Ex's brain zipped up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, its movements still bit jerky. "That was a good battle. In fact..."
It paused only long enough to open a new manual entry and hit record.
"If you had used Thunder from the start, or stuck only to damaging moves, you would have won. Spamming Thunder would have been your best move, if you'd known Pikachu knew it. It was a 2-shot against Charmander, or 3-shot with our Oran berry. Thunder only has 70% accuracy, but it still would have been your best move since it also has a 30% chance to Paralyze.
"On our side, we still had a chance to win even if you HAD done the optimal thing AND hit all your Thunders. If we'd gotten better damage rolls- I mean, a bit more damage on our Embers, we would have won in 3 hits instead of 4. Plus, Pikachu would have only had 2 chances to attack if WE had done the optimal thing OURSELVES and attacked first."
His brain was still a bit sore about being forced to delay their first attack. But we wouldn't have learned as much that way, it sighed. And I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.
"In any case, the Tail Whip you used was pointless, since that lowers Defense and you only had Pikachu use Special Attacks. Otherwise you did pretty well."
It ended the recording and labeled it 'Battle Analysis – vs. Ash'.
"Come on, Amber. Time to go."
"I'm not done cleaning the cooking utensils," she said, looking back down to the river and frowning. "Or packing them. And I don't know how you plan to share the leftovers with Ash and leave before he finishes eating. We only have two bowls, and we can't just leave one here."
"Good points," it nodded. "Ash, do you have any bowls of your own?"
Ash didn't have any bowls, but he had a few empty Tupperware containers, which were even better. Amber didn't like wasting food, and the multiple containers allowed them to use up the rest of the stew without having to dump any out afterwards.
A little later Ex and Amber were padding down Route One, leaving a weary beginner behind. He was battered and beaten, but also relieved that his Pikachu was alive and healthy.
Ex himself was still in a state of stupor as they walked. His brain complained that moving around was difficult, but he didn't care.
Thunder.
A move that large and that impressive was just survived by a level 9 pokémon.
He was reminded of a certain pokémon comic strip* in which a massive, menacing, max level Gyarados uses Hyper Beam on a level 2 Pidgey. The attack leaves a crater such as a meteor might leave after hitting the planet – the beam is so powerful that it can be seen not just from outer space, but from outside the galaxy itself.
And the result?
Did Pidgey die an incredibly painful death? Or perhaps an instant, painless death?
No.
Was Pidgey scarred for life, beyond any hope of recovery?
No.
Did Pidgey at least suffer some sort of permanent damage?
No.
'Pidgey Fainted.'
For a moment, Ex imagined tanking a move like that with his own body, and he instantly decided that he never wanted to find out if humans were as durable as pokémon could be.
* If you type 'Pidgey Fainted' into google search, that comic should be the first result. The author of this strip is named 'Matthew' and/or Fiftyeighthens. Or that might just be the name/alias of the one who uploaded it.