Author's note: Borrowed some dialogue from "Plight at the Museum" (Season 3 Episode 5) and "We're Gonna Need a Bigger Vote" (Season 3 Episode 7"). And a big thank you to dS-Tiff for her assistance with parts of this chapter.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
"Uh, not exactly."
The woman glared at Walter. "What do you mean, not exactly?"
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he moved further away from Paige . "Uh, I-I mean, I'm Walter. . . Walter O'Brien. . ." he choked out, "but she's. . .she's. . ."
"Is she or is she not your wife?" the woman demanded.
"I am not." Paige darted a glance of displeasure in his direction so sharp it made him flinch. "I'm Paige Dineen," she said crisply. her hands protectively resting on her stomach.
"Joyce Linehan, United States Citizenship and Immigration." She pointed at Paige. "Well, if she isn't Mrs O'Brien, then who is?"
Happy stepped forward to stand next to Walter. "I am."
He awkwardly put his arm around the mechanic's shoulders. It felt wrong. And gross. He had to suppress a shudder of revulsion. "Uh, we, uh, really appreciate such a quick turnaround on the expedited request, don't we, uh, honey?"
"Uh, sure, honey." Walter grimaced again as he heard the disgust in Happy's voice.
"You can thank your role at Homeland for that," said Linehan. She lifted the briefcase she held. "I've been looking into your history and I've found some rather curious discrepancies. Such as you've both had different addresses for the past six years. Normally married people live together."
"He snores," Happy blurted out.
"I do not," Walter retorted.
"You kinda do. Oh. . ." He watched as Paige's eyes grew wide and she let out a gasp before covering her mouth.
The Immigration agent turned sharply to stare at the liaison. "And how would you know?"
Dropping her hand, Paige visibly withered under the other woman's gaze. "Uh. . ."
"Sometimes we sleep. . . I mean the team. . . Sometimes when we're on overnight missions and we fall asleep on the way back home. The whole team falls asleep. . . Sylvester snores like a freight train." Walter knew his explanation lacked coherence but he needed to cover up Paige's slip.
"Nice save, 197," Toby muttered. Happy started to raise her fist, must have thought better of it, and ended up just shooting the shrink a dirty look.
"You have separate living quarters because he snores?" Linehan directed her question at Happy, the disbelief dripping from her voice.
"She likes to work on her motorcycle in the evening," Walter stated, saving the mechanic from having to reply.
"She can't work on it here? Looks like there's plenty of room." Linehan looked around the huge garage littered with assorted bits of machinery and old cars.
Walter rubbed the back of his neck. "She makes a lot of noise which disturbs my concentration."
"And you need to concentrate, why?"
"My research. And my inventions," said Walter. "I have several patents pending and. . ."
Cabe interrupted Walter's rambling by holding out his mug. "How about a cup of coffee?" he offered.
"No, thank you. I can't stay long. Just thought I'd drop by and say hello. And I'm glad I did."
Dread swept over Walter. "Why?"
"Because I think the real reason you want to speed up your naturalization is because you've been cheating on your wife with Miss About-Ready-to-Pop over there." Linehan jabbed a neatly manicured finger toward Paige.
"Oh, God," Paige whispered, horrified the woman had guessed what was going on so quickly. And once again reminding her she was the 'Other Woman.' Her belly tightened and she had to suck in her breath.
"You son of a bitch," Happy growled, and Paige couldn't tell if the mechanic was faking or if her anger was real. "I knew. . .I knew something was up. Always going to her place to help her fix stuff. . . You were helping her 'fix stuff' all right. Maybe I should fix you."
She moved threatening toward Walter, who backed away, nearly stumbling into a pillar. "H-Ha, y-you've been, you and him. . ." He gestured at Toby. "You two have been sneaking around my back for y-years."
"Way to throw me under the bus," Toby said out the side of his mouth.
"I oughta kick your ass, you moron." Happy crossed her hands over her chest, a deep frown marring her face.
Linehan started slow clapping. "Great performance," she said, tipping her head toward Happy. "Threatening to kick his ass was a nice touch."
"It wasn't a threat," Happy snarled. "My foot is definitely going to be kicking his ass in the very near future."
"So what happens now?" asked Cabe, obviously trying to defuse the tense situation. Paige smiled gratefully at the Homeland agent. She knew she should be the one doing the soothing but. . . She bit her lip as another cramp hit. She had other things to worry about, like not going into premature labor.
The INS agent gave them all a dirty look. "What happens now," she began, "is that I need someone to start telling me the truth."
"Ms Linehan," Toby said, his voice full of smarm. "May I call you Joyce?" Without waiting for an answer he continued, "Marriages fall apart all the time, nearly 50% in fact."
"Spare me your statistics," she sneered. "The law says they have to stay married for eight years."
"But your own marriage didn't last, did it?"
The shrink's declaration stunned the agent for a moment but she recovered quickly. "I don't see what my divorce ten years ago has to do with the fact these two may have entered into an illegal green card marriage."
A smirk grew on Toby's face and Paige wondered what else he had under his hat. "It has to do with unreasonable expectations required of couples when one of them is an immigrant seeking citizenship and the fact your ex-husband cheated on you, didn't he?
"Wha. . ." This time it took Linehan more than a few seconds to gather her wits. "How do you know that?"
Paige watched as Toby worked his magic on the woman. Cajoling, flattering, sympathizing until he got her to tell him about her rat bastard of an ex. He had her eating out of his hand. Figuratively, that is, although Paige suppressed a smile at the thought. So she wasn't prepared for Toby's next words
"They did love each other when they got married," said Toby, indicating Walter and Happy. "They still love each other. They just love other people more."
The bold lie hit Paige like a ton of bricks and she glanced at Walter, who appeared to be as shocked as she was by the behaviorist's statement. He was staring at Happy, who looked like she was about to punch someone and she hadn't yet decided which person to hit.
Then the rest of the bricks fell on her. Oh, God, it was true. But not in the way Ms Linehan would think. Happy had been with Walter longer than any of them. Had been his first real friend (because Mark Collins certainly didn't count). It was never a romantic love, but they did love each other, although neither of the stubborn asses would ever admit it.
Linehan shook her head. "Listen, I'm not the bad guy here," she said with a weary sigh. "Some of the bigwigs at Homeland seem to think he's a valuable government asset and deporting him would be a liability to national security. But. . ." She turned to Walter and Happy who were still uncomfortably standing side by side. "I don't like the fact you two cheated on each other."
"But you shouldn't let your prejudices cloud your common sense," Toby jumped in. "Just think how favorably you'd be be looked upon if you turn a blind eye to the messier aspects of their marriage. If you give him the green light on his citizenship, there may be a promotion in it for you."
"There is a supervisory position opening up next month," the INS agent said with a contemplative gleam.
"There you go." The behaviorist grinned at her. "It'll be as good as yours."
"Huh." A hush fell over the garage, one which Paige found a little unnerving as they all watched Linehan deliberate her options. Oh please don't send Walter to Ireland, she pleaded silently. Not now. Not when she needed him by her side. If worst came to worst, she supposed she could always go with him. But she'd either have to uproot Ralph and drag him along or leave him here, letting the remaining team members to keep an eye on him. Neither of those choices appealed to her.
"Very well," the INS agent said. "I'll need to have you both fill out a few forms. I can't guarantee anything, Mr O'Brien, but your citizenship could be granted within the next month or so. I suggest you wait, however, until it comes through before you two file for a divorce. Appearances, you know."
"T-Thank you." Paige could hear the relief in Walter's voice. She looked over at him, saw the tentative yet elated smile on his face. She wanted to rush over and hug him but. . . Like Linehan said, appearances.
She'd just have to wait until the woman left before she could give him the reassurance they both needed.
ooooo
"Hey, whatcha doing?" Toby wander over to where Happy was welding two pieces of metal together. Everyone else had left the garage; Paige and Walter to go pick up Ralph, Cabe to a Homeland briefing, Sly to the Warlock's Chest.
The mechanic flipped up her visor. "Welding."
Oh, it was going to one of 'those' conversations, where getting words out of her was comparable to blood letting a turnip. "Let me rephrase that," he said. "Whatcha making?"
"Well, if you must know. . ."
"I must."
Happy rolled her eyes. "I'm making a crib."
"You're not due for another seven months."
"Yeah, but the waitress is popping out O'Brien's spawn in about a month," she said, taking off her helmet. "And I overheard her tell Sylvester they've been too busy to buy anything. And evidently she either gave away or lost most of Ralph's baby things during one of their moves."
"Cutting it kinda close, aren't they?" He moved closer as she turned off her welder.
"I suppose," she replied with a shrug. "I'd planned to make one for our kid out of titanium but I thought I'd do up a prototype in stainless steel and. . ."
Toby cut in, "And give it to Paige and Walter. Good idea. Work out all the kinks on theirs so the one for our bambino will be perfect."
"I'm not making them an unsafe crib." She had a look in her eyes which made him take a step back.
"Didn't say you were," he said, holding up his hands before rubbing them together. "So what we talking about here?"
"Check it out." Happy pointed to her creation. "Metal bars for no splinters, hydraulic lifts making it easier to take out the baby, dozens of pinhole fiber optic cameras directed inside and outside the crib."
"Outside the crib? What are you afraid of, daddy's gonna drop the baby?"
"Well, Mr Fumble Fingers, you were obviously dropped on your head as a child. . ."
Indignation filled him, at least until he saw the smirk on her face. "Very funny. I will treat the fruit of our loins with the utmost care and delicacy."
"Gross." She turned away, tossing her tools into their box. "That was some show you put on earlier," she said.
"Oh, so you were impressed?" He did a little dance, complete with jazz hands. "I still got the ol' razzle- dazzle. Speaking of which, you ready to go so I can razzle your dazzle?"
"Shut up." The mechanic crossed her arms over her noticeably larger bazongas. "Thanks," she muttered gruffly.
"For what?"
"For what you did for Walt. . .and me back there."
"What did you think I was going to do?" He inched closer. "Feed you both to the big bad ICE lady?" Readjusting his hat, he continued. "I know I threw a bit of a tantrum. . ." Happy snorted. "Okay, a lot of a tantrum when I first learned of your illicit marriage to Mr IQ. But he's still my friend and you're still the woman I love. Of course I'm going to fight for you. I don't want you to go to jail anymore than you want to be there."
She shook her head. "No. Still, it was. . .decent of you," she mumbled as she stared down at her boots.
"Hey, come here." He reached for her and when she didn't resist, he wrapped his arms around her. "I hate that you have such low expectations of humanity. . .and of me." Toby pulled away and lifted her chin. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"Me, too." A tear trickled down her cheek. "Damn hormones," she said as she swiped at her eyes.
"We love each other and we're going to be family. The INS, ICE, FBI, CIA. . . A whole alphabet of government agencies, and Irish geniuses be damned."
"Okay," she agreed with a sniff.
He hugged her again, then let go, ramming his hand into the front pocket of his jeans. "I don't have a song this time, but I never got the answer I was looking for when I asked you before." Bringing out a small velvet box he opened it as he got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"
"Yes." A smile twitched on her lips as her eyes sparkled. With happiness or tears or both, he didn't know. . . But he'd heard what he wanted to hear and that was good enough for him.
Taking the ring from the box, he nearly dropped it, catching it before it fell to the floor. With a deep breath, he slid it onto the appropriate finger. She immediately took it off. What the hell. . .
"This your idea, Doc?" Happy asked, turning it over, running her finger over the hexagonal edges.
"Yeah," he replied, a cold sweat creeping onto his skin as he remembered his irregular jeweler's dire prediction. Oh, shit. . . "I know it's not a typical engagement ring. . ."
She put the ring back on. "It's perfect." Rising up on her toes, she yanked him downward until his mouth met hers.