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Chapter Thirty: Clouds Bursting with Tears.

Drip…Drip…Drip…Drip, drip…drip…

The last of the rain trickled off the door frame, adding to the ever growing puddle on the welcome mat, slowly creeping further and further into the house. I watched it turn the wooden floorboards dark, drips falling from my cheeks in unison. But I couldn't stop either, couldn't care to find the energy to stop either.

After Sam had left last night, once again, I had stared helplessly at the rain. Slowly, falling to the ground, as the rain fell into our home. My mind seemed incapable of stopping my behaviour, as I felt I was drowning, weights dragging me down with my emotions. Nothing could seem to save me as I was left alone again. Stifled, wet sobs hiccupped in my throat, as I watched the sun rise over the tree tops lining our front yard. But I couldn't stop drowning into my dark pool of emotions. Loss, anger, fear, hopelessness, all pressing me further and further down.

I couldn't understand how he could have done that. Teased me with his presence, then left me again. He allowed me to hope. He allowed me to feel reassured. He allowed me to feel relief. Then he ripped them all away. Breaking our house, our home, in his fit of rage to show how much he cared about me. About being honest with me. I couldn't understand, even if I tried. All I could see was him leaving over and over again in my mind, taking my happiness with him. What a cruel trick of fate to do to me.

"Bella!" My arms wrapped tighter around my ribs as I heard my name being called. I could hear their worry and fear, as they ran down the front yard. But it wasn't the voice I wanted, needed, to hear calling to me. It wasn't the person I wished it could be; he made it clear last night he wasn't concerned about me anymore to care, "Bella!"

I raised my eyes reluctantly to stare at the feet disrupting the puddle. Mud smeared sneakers, hesitantly approaching, disappearing from view as he crouched before me. Looking at his grease stained jeans, I knew who was here, but I couldn't find the energy to look at him or dry my eyes. I let him see me so broken, as no one saw, fallen from the pedestal hope had carried me on for the last three weeks.

His hand came up to cup my cheek, it felt so warm against my chilled, damp cheek. The warmth seemed to radiate from him. Not heat, not like Sam's heat last night. No, it was like sunshine. Warm, comforting sunshine. It felt nice, as I sniffed at a tear, and he ducked to look into my eyes. His face, through crumbled in anxiety, still seemed to radiate it's typical sunshine at me.

"Jake." My mouth croaked clumsily, pathetically.

"Bells? What happened?" He bundled me close, enclosing me in his warm embrace, and I sighed quietly into his shoulder. Being held in his arms reminded me of a time, seemingly so long ago, when he held me as we cried for our loss, and I found I began to cry now. Tears streamed down my face and I clung to him, my little ray of sunshine, lighting just a bit of the darkness clouding my heart, and he held me reassuringly tight.

"He's gone, Jake." I managed to mumbled, as sobs rattled out of my throat, "So, so gone." Jacob brushed my hair back, soothing me. He couldn't say we'd find him, I knew we wouldn't. He couldn't fill the air with worthless, cliché reassurances, I wouldn't believe them. All he could do, all he did do, was hold my head above the depressing water for a little while. Wiping away my endless tears and keeping me close. My sunshine drying me after I'd allowed myself to drown in sorrow.

I don't know how long we sat on the cold floor. The sun was high when Jake finally pulled me to sit straight and brushed away the last tears dripping from my chin. As I looked at him, I could see his spirit. So young, yet so old. He showed me a youthful smile, full of reassurance, as an adult would do. I'd forgotten how much Jake understood loss, with his deep, expressive eyes and concern for others. He reminded me of those nights we cried together, held each other up as we mourned, until I was moved on. Until I moved on. Pushing my best friend away, consumed with my responsibilities. But he was still here, when I needed him, and I smiled weakly in thanks.

"Bells?" Jake pulled me to stand and I knew he wanted answers. But I couldn't give them. I felt like a hypocrite for wanting to keep this from him, after yelling at Sam for doing the same with me earlier, but I couldn't tell him. I didn't want him to know.

"The, uh, the wind…" I gestured vaguely to the door. His eyes filled with doubt, clouding with further concern.

"The wind?" He repeated after me.

"Yeah, the wind." Nodding with as much conviction as I could, I stepped back. Jake couldn't know how messed up last night was. I couldn't let him get close to the truth, to me. I needed to protect him from my realities. He didn't deserved to be burdened. Drawing further away, I tucked my arms around my ribs, "I need to shower, um…"

"I'll call dad, see if we've got some wood in the garage to fix this, while you shower." Finally letting the subject drop, he took a step back too.

"Thanks Jake." I murmured as I moved to go. As he nodded, I knew he understood want to said. Thanks for now judging me Jake, thanks for being here for me Jake with no more questions asked, thanks for standing by me even when I lie to you and push you away. But he was my best friend, I knew he would, and I frowned to myself as I walked away. I couldn't let myself take advantage of our friendship, I would hurt him, and I vowed not to, as I ascended the stairs.