Coming Out or Going In
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Chapter 22
Beckett's Apartment
Later Same Evening
/_/
It had taken Kate a few minutes to compose herself once Roz left her in her office earlier, she began to question, had she really given it her all? Was she ready to accept defeat this easily? She sipped on the glass of wine, closed her eyes, and remembered the first time she had savored its rich taste. It was with Rick, of course, at his Halloween party, the one she finally talked herself into going after arming herself with the gag hidden under her coat.
That had been a great night, she remembered the laughter, her boys, Martha, and of course Rick, always so attentive to each of his guests. Somehow, she felt he went a little out of his way for her, to ensure she was comfortable and enjoying herself, that would be Rick, so sweet. As always, he never took offense when she gave him the bird, in fact, he was the first to laugh. Good times, eh, they never last.
Her thoughts then drifted back to the last time she saw him at the book launch, she knew exactly what she had wanted to say, but, somehow, someway, she chickened out and reverted back to the same old song he had heard hundreds of times. She knew it was over when he set his glass on the table and told her she knew the way back. To add insult, Joy was the one concerned about her enough to send Roz looking to be sure she was OK. She reacted badly to all who showed genuine concern and now was very sorry for her actions.
She ate dinner, well re-heated some of the leftovers from the last few days, and made herself a cup of tea, as she thought about what Roz had said. Had she truly turned into a coward? Why didn't she try again with Rick, and she was right, no matter how many times she protested Rick was always there for her, even paying the price often for trying to keep her safe.
She had his address, so the only thing she could do was write him a letter, she knew the website had started the mumbling about the release date of the finale of Nikki Heat being announced in the next few weeks. She didn't want to wait until he came to New York, nor did she want to try to talk to him at his place of work, especially not knowing how the series was ending. She still felt threatened that he would kill one of the characters off, and she knew she couldn't take that, not now, not ever.
Roz had busted her on the song, she had an entire playlist of similar songs, to play when she wanted to cry herself to sleep or think about how things may have been. The conversation today had her thinking, perhaps she should try one more time, what was the worst that could happen? Hell, she had already chased him into the arms of a beautiful woman and enticed him to move to the other side of the world, OK, not the world, but the U.S.
The song Who Am I to Stand in Your Way was playing and she was singing along, the lyrics had become almost her relief song to somehow tell herself she had set Rick free to be happy with someone else. She knew it was a lie, but it got her through a moment or two during the day.
She glanced down and she had begun to write a letter without thinking about it too deeply, the first lines had been almost copied from the song.
Dear Rick,
You're probably wondering why I am writing you this letter, but I don't want to leave things between us as they were the last time, I saw you. I want to ask for your forgiveness, I know I said I was sorry for a lot of my actions, but saying it, and seeking forgiveness are totally different I have grown to learn.
"I learned a great deal during my time at the academy, it saved my job, perhaps my life. I think I may have found myself, my real self while I was there. I know you went to bat with Mayor Weldon to get me one last shot at staying a cop.
"I never said it to your face, before this I probably would never even have thought about it, but Thank You. While we're on that topic, thank you for every time you waded through my sarcastic, sometimes downright evil vitriol to ensure I was safe, even when I had no idea of the danger, I was in.
"Roz and I have spoken about many things, nothing to do with you or your new life in California other than it seems magical. I know she showed some pictures of your new home to others here, not to me she wouldn't violate your trust, and when she named it your Castle, she was right. I confess I did go online and view it once she had slipped me your address to send you this letter. It's magnificent Rick, truly a castle for a Castle, Congratulations.
"I know you probably want to be rid of me, for me to be out of your life once and forever, I don't blame you, I would as well if I were you, I didn't give you any reason to hold on to even my memory. Roz challenged me to contact you IF I felt for you the way she, hell anyone here in New York knows I do and have for a very long time.
"I'm a damn good cop, but I'm a lousy actor and I can't hide my sadness when my thoughts turn to, or someone remembers an event when the world was right, at least in my mind. Roy was our captain and you sat in that funky chair, bringing me coffee every day, just to make me smile. I never said thanks or at least I don't remember saying it, so if I did it couldn't have been very sincere.
"I took you for granted Rick, I abused your feelings, and my actions drove you away, both officially with those damn letters, or even more hurtful, my physical responses with others and to everything you did for me. That is a great deal to forgive someone of, and I don't expect it to happen with one letter, one call, or even if I am lucky enough to see you again, one visit.
"I just hope that your huge heart hasn't closed completely on us, yes I know I said it before Rick, but there was an us, at least in my mind and heart. You were my partner and my best friend. Somedays you were my only friend, I know why now, but as they say, hindsight is truly a perfect vision.
"I know the finale of Nikki and Rook will be released in a few weeks, and I'm hoping you will be in New York, but I didn't want to wait till then to send this letter. I've spent my life waiting it seems, for the right time, until my Mom's case was solved, until I tore down the walls around my heart, hell Rick we both know, I waited because it was the easy thing to do, you see I was afraid of commitment. It only took me seven months in therapy to get to the cause, another four to finally have the breakthrough, that I was afraid of hurting or being hurt.
"I still can't answer the first question my therapist asked me any differently than I did then, he asked 'Kate, do you think Mr. Castle would ever hurt you, either with intent or by accident'? Just in case you didn't know how I answered it, I remember it word for word,
"Dr. Burke, Rick is the only man I have ever met in my life who would sacrifice everything for my happiness, would he ever hurt me, not in a million years, and if by the remote chance I did get my feelings hurt, he would move heaven and earth to make it up to me."
"OK, I said it on paper, which I know is the cowardly way of letting you know but I meant it then, Rick, and I still believe it today. Deep in my heart, I know that you still would never hurt me, you aren't capable, even when I have finally realized just how badly I did destroy you.
"Again, I won't say I'm sorry this time, something that grievous, that hurtful, needs more than three words. I don't know if you can find it within you but I'm issuing a profound request to please forgive me, I wish you could see the change in me, hopefully, you would be proud of me.
"I don't take things for granted as I used to, especially people. I listen to a lot of music, as I wait for your next book, you spoiled me, no other writer could ever compare to your style or the comfort you have brought me with your words. I just heard a song that fit me like a glove, I won't bore you with the entire verse but the words that express my heart are;
"I'm sorry for all the lies I told you
I'm sorry for the things I didn't say
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself
I can't believe you went away"
"Rick, if you haven't figured out the reason for this letter yet, I'm not the wordsmith that you are, I would like one more chance to talk to you. I don't want to re-hash old events or to brag about my accomplishments for just being the type of human being, I should have been to you from our first meeting.
"I understand you are happy with someone else; Joy is a lucky lady and she deserves to be treated as you always treat those you love. I know you have already given me more chances than any one person should have, but I'm pleading for just one more, for you to meet the new Kate.
"I'm still getting to know her myself, but I see a lot of your values now, what is really important in life and I would appreciate any time you may give me, by phone, Skype, or hopefully some time for lunch in a public place to talk as we used to be able to. I don't know what your official dating status, and please know, I would never ask you to do anything to hurt Joy or anyone in your life, I know you would never do anything like that anyway.
"Well, I've written a great deal, being honest, I took breaks to dry my tears to keep them from running the ink so badly you wouldn't be able to read it, but I keep hearing Roz's voice in my head, 'do what Rick would do, or what he's already done, show him, but start by telling him how you feel'. Well, I guess I only have one opportunity to tell you this, and please forgive me for being such a coward until now. I'm in love with you Richard Castle, I have been since our fourth case together, but I was a fool.
"OK, I finally wrote it, I won't say I'm sorry for doing so. I will never be sorry for that, only that it took me this long to tell you, even in a cowardly way by means of a letter. It's what I wanted to tell you the last time I saw you, I was a coward, the story of my life I guess, and I just reverted back to the same old song you were so tired of hearing. It's OK if you don't feel the same, I mean how could you.
"I promise I won't do anything to hurt you, or Joy, I only want you to be happy Rick, see, I get it, finally. My only wish is that I can talk to you one last time to tell you these things in person, and to ask you for the greatest gift you always give, the gift of forgiveness. If I don't hear from you, then I'll understand, but always know, I'll love you Rick, and I will live with my mistake for the rest of my life.
"Thanks for reading such a long letter, I hope I didn't lose you, but please know, when I tell you I love you, I mean it. I'll do anything you want me to do to keep you happy, even if that means never contacting you again. You said once, 'the heart wants what the heart wants' after a case involving a sad case of love, well, my heart wants what your heart wants,
I love you, Rick,
Always,
Kate,
Kate was exhausted emotionally and physically, she had gone through half a box of tissues as she would alternate between writing and crying. Somehow it felt good to finally tell him how she felt, how he made her feel. Regardless if she ever got the chance to see him again or not, she didn't quit, not this time. She turned the iPad volume down and threw herself across her bed, letting her tears lull her to sleep.
XxX
Wallingford Dr,
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
Five Days Later
Rick and Joy had enjoyed the visit with their guests, the days were long, but the nights were orchestrated as party nights, with a different theme each night. Anne seemed to be very relaxed as she headed back to New York, now that the topic had been discussed and she had discovered she wasn't alone. Kevin, Joy, and she had a very open discussion and it was promised, no one would ever hold her preferences against her, in any way.
"Anne, I just want you to know that I don't think of you as a co-worker any more," Kevin said one evening as Anne panicked slightly before he continued, "no, you're my sister, and no one messes with a Ryan girl," as he smiled and she hugged his neck.
Jenny walked around the corner to see Anne hugging her husband, every one waited for jealous Jenny to appear, she simply joined in and made it a group hug. As always, Kevin had told her all about what was going on, and it was actually Jenny's idea to treat her as he would his sister.
"Thank you for taking the time and openness to make Anne feel more welcome, you even got Jenny not to be jealous of her" Rick said as he described the scene as he and Joy lounged on the veranda.
"You're welcome Rick, do you remember when you first learned of Cathy and me, it's what the three of us did, we hugged it out and made sure we always had each other's back. I really was happy that it wasn't just Kevin that accepted it, but Jenny as well, I mean Anne is hot." Joy said,
"She's very attractive, I agree," Rick said learning somethings you just stay away from.
"Don't give me that Rick Castle, I saw you checking her out, hell I don't blame you, but even more than being smoking on the outside she's got a great heart." Joy said,
"Yes, I just hope she finds someone that will make her happy, hell her and Davidson, God what was she thinking, she's done her time in hell already" Rick shuddered and made a face,
"Well, I gave her a few numbers, we talked so hopefully she can at least get out to dinner or a show, not that she has to jump into anything, hell, we're still looking, well all except the sex part" she laughed,
"You fixed her up? Joy, I don't believe you, well as you say it's a start to get out there, regardless of who she dates. Life alone, well it's a lonely life and it sucks" Rick said as he gazed out over the mountains,
"Well, you don't have to tour as much now Rick, hell with your money you don't ever have to write again, but if you do, it's on your terms." Joy said,
"Speaking of, I need to make those final edits to Crashing Heat, Gina didn't want me to make the ending so dramatic and final. I guess I need to get those to her so we can arrange the last hoorah for Nikki and her crime-solving skills" Rick laughed as he kissed her head and made his way into his office.
He had procrastinated in making the edits since, in all sincerity, he hadn't thought of an alternate ending when he had finished the manuscript. He wanted a clean break, no coming back, but Gina had convinced him that it would hurt not only his fans but the other young writers who were struggling at Black Pawn to make a success of their career.
If that were true or not, she had no idea, she did know that Rick would never do anything to hurt someone knowingly so she played the card. Once words are printed, they can't be retracted and what if by some miracle Kate convinced him to give her a chance, he would have to live with the words written.
The original ending had Rook coming home after an extended assignment in Afghanistan to finally talk to Nikki face to face. She had been away on a romantic vacation when he deployed, after being recalled to active service from reserve status. She arrived back in New York to the news, and even after frantically driving to the port, all she saw was his ship sailing out to sea.
She had written letters daily without any reply until she played dirty pool, and wrote to the Red Cross, Rook's CO, (Commanding Officer) didn't have time to worry about matters and ordered him to respond. Finally, after several letters, hers several pages long, his perhaps one page, or less, she convinced him to speak to her via Skype when he was in a safe location. Things progressed slowly to a peaceful place, a great deal of hurt remained to be worked out when they were face to face once again.
After two extensions to his original deployment of 9 months, he was finally coming home. Nikki couldn't wait to whisk him away to a secluded location to make him understand, she loved him and would always. She was just finishing the last arrangements from her desk phone at the precinct when she noticed the Chaplain visit her Captain's office and close the door.
She thought to herself, some poor wife or spouse is going to get the most terrible news in their life, once again returning to the euphoria, she was finally going to make him understand, they were meant to be together and she wasn't leaving him, ever again. She wanted to marry him and have kids, but for now, she just wanted him to hold her, to love her, and to hear his voice say once more, "It'll be OK, Nikki, I got you".
Her daydream was burst when the Captain walked out and asked her to join her in his office. She panicked but still held out hope, he was injured, he would be back, he always came back. She had just sat down when she saw the sad faces of the Chaplain,
"Nikki, I'm so very sorry to tell you, we've been informed by Intelligence Sources that the plane bringing Lieutenant Jameson Rook home was shot down, there were no survivors. There is a recovery mission undergoing now to retrieve as much of his remains as possible to bring home for burial. It appears a ground to air missile struck shortly after takeoff, the sight was located and eliminated, I'm so very sorry. Is there anything I or the force can do for you?" The kind Chaplain asked
The book ended with Nikki leaving the force, twenty years later, taking with her only two items, the elephants from her mom, and the urn that held the remains of Rook. She never got the chance to tell him she loved him, but she never was the same again.
Rick reread the last chapter several times, he had been in a pretty dark spot when he had written the ending, long before he and Joy had connected. He had written the ending of the book before he had written anything else to get the title, Crashing Heat. He kept the part of Rook leaving without saying goodbye but changed the part where his plane was shot down.
He knew Gina wouldn't let him get away with just a superficial change like that, so he did have them meet at the cabin Nikki had reserved. The scene was awkward to write, but it was Nikki who told Rook she loved him, without a response from Rook.
"Aren't you going to say anything Rookie, I just poured my heart out to you, I told you, I love you, doesn't that mean anything to you?" Heat asked,
"It would have Nikki, months ago, but I'm so used to being alone, and I've seen too much, I'm carrying too much baggage to start anything with anyone. I'm sorry, but I'm leaving tomorrow, I hope you find happiness Nikki, I truly do." He said as he turned away from her,
"What? No Rook, No, I know I should have said it years ago, I'm sorry but you can't leave, you just can't" Heat cried,
He did leave, for years she tried to keep in touch with him, as he moved from Canada to New Mexico, to Colorado, to finally California, she was relentless and no matter how long it took she kept waiting for him and writing letters, hoping someday for a response,
Rick decided to leave the ending open-ended allowing the readers to decide if they ever got together or not, something Gina had suggested. He called Joy and asked her to review the changes, and after she wiped her eyes several times,
"Well, what do you think, is it an ending that readers won't hate? I'm letting those that hold on to hope have their ending, and even those who bash Nikki get their payback for her treatment of him." Rick asked,
"I think it's the ending that you're holding on to for you and Kate, Rick. Remember, no one knows you better than me, and that ending is a note to Kate from Rick, regardless of the names," Joy said as she pulled him in for a hug,
"Look Rick, I know you promised to try to work things out with her if you got the chance"
"And I would, but she's shown no interest in contacting me at all, we both know she has methods to find my address if she wanted to contact me" Rick interrupted,
"Well, she did Rick, the mail came and this is for you. You need to read it, then let's talk, OK?" as she placed the letter in his hands and left his office, with tears in her eyes she tried to hide, as Rick just stood there in shock grasping the letter she had placed in his hands.
A/N The lyrics Kate mentions are from the song I'm Sorry sung by the late John Denver
TBC