Coming Out or Going In

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 23

Wallingford Dr.

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

One Hour Later

/_/

Rick was sitting in his office, still staring at the pen strokes on the letter, her penmanship was always so eloquent, but it wasn't penmanship he was thinking about. Why? Why Now? He was just beginning to get out of bed each morning and not miss her memory, well not miss getting ready for his daily trip, coffee shop, then the precinct. He loved seeing her face as he placed her coffee in front of her, try as hard as she could he saw the soft smile she always tried to hide.

She usually mumbled a thank you, then proceeded to dress him down for something else he had done wrong, almost like she didn't want to, or couldn't get close to him, to allow herself to explore what his intentions were.

When he first met her, his intentions sadly were pretty clear, a romp in the sack and then on to the next conquest, but something changed and they changed quickly. He no longer wanted her just for a sexual tryst, he wanted to know everything about her, to take away her pain, to make her know that he was there, as a friend, or more if she was ever ready.

He worked hard, harder than he ever had in any of his previous relationships including those with Kyra, Meredith, and Gina, two of those resulting in marriages. He invested more of himself, forgave more, overlooked obvious barbs, even when she had flaunted others in front of him, he could forgive it all, until he caught her in the lie.

Lie's had always been the deal-breaker for him, regardless of how much he cared. He had overlooked obvious tactics to push him away, hell they were direct, not even a pretense of trying to hide them, but he sacrificed his pride and dignity to ensure she was safe, even if it wasn't with him.

Joy had come back into his life at a time just when he had reached a low point, perhaps the lowest he had ever been and she saved him with her love. It hadn't taken them long to move out of the friends that love each other status, to the next phase, friends that I make love to, and only you phase. It was Joy who consistently reminded him to follow his heart, not his little head as she called it.

He knew that she loved him, and it surprised him the first time they made love, she took him to a different level than he had ever been with a woman he had just hooked up with for physical relief. She was quick to point out, that she needed the physical touch as much as he did, and the only one she wanted it with was him, at least until she found someone who would be her soulmate.

They agreed to monogamous friends with benefits relationship until either one found someone that they wanted a meaningful relationship with. She made him promise to keep trying to work things out with Kate, she knew how deeply in love he was with her. She knew no one would or could ever replace her in his heart, and she hurt for her friend. At least she had experienced that deep love once, even for a short time with Cathy, but he had yet to find that feeling she knew he was searching for.

He knew Joy enjoyed the sexual relationship as much as he did, he always made sure she was pleased, but he found her crying sometimes glancing at old pictures. He knew that no one could ever fully replace Cathy in her heart, the best they could hope for would be a chance to build their own relationship with her. He would always be her best friend, but outside of their lovemaking marathons, he knew he didn't have what she was seeking to make her happy, truly happy.

He was happy, well as happy as he could be with the things the way they were. Why shouldn't he be, he had more money than he could ever spend in his life and everything money could buy, his daughter was on the fast track to a wonderful education, yet still called him Daddy from time to time, a run of successful bestsellers, friends and associates, causes he worked hard to support and donate to, to an outsider his life was complete.

Yet he felt empty deep inside sometimes, even with the world at his fingertips, it was a struggle for him at times to keep the happy image since he felt guilty, he had no reason to feel so unhappy when he had attained so much of worldly riches. Joy picked up on that, every time, she knew what he needed, what he wanted, but she didn't know how to give it to him. She couldn't stop his hurting any more than he could hers, as much as they tried for each other. That was the one reason she gave Roz the instructions to give Kate the pep talk and leave his address with her along with her blessing to 'please write to him if you love him'.

He had been alone in his office for over an hour, just looking out at the peaceful sky, thinking, and trying to put the entire relationship in perspective, the letter still unopened in his hands. It all came down to the words he told Kate early on in one of the cases they worked, 'the heart wants what the heart wants', it doesn't rely on logic or ideals. It certainly doesn't keep score, but once broken it is very hard to put back together again.

He thought he loved Kyra, in reality, he had, it was just the love of youth, then Meredith, the love came for her from the jolt of electricity he felt the first time he held his daughter, he had hoped it was the factor that sealed the love for each other, sadly it wasn't.

Gina, well was it love out of desperation or love to provide a woman that his daughter needed in her life, he was very fond of her, even loved her but he was never in love with her. He regretted hurting her, he knew she came into the relationship totally committed, and he had deceived her to gain something he thought his little girl needed.

The very reason he married her proved to be the reason that drove them apart, the love and sharing of his little girl. Gina wouldn't remain an outsider any longer and walked away from the marriage, but never Alexis or his career.

She was hurt deeply, but to her credit remained professional at work, perhaps a little quicker on the deadlines, but if that was the worst she did, he could forgive it without even thinking about it. She had been the driving force behind his early success, which provided the seed money that he used to grow his wealth into what it was today.

He was lost in his thoughts and never heard Joy walk in and until he felt the hug him from behind,

"Rick, the letter won't get read until you open the envelope, and if you're worried about me, I'm not going anywhere, not yet. This is what I've pushed you for, what I want for you, if she'll fill that empty spot in your heart, you owe it to yourself to at least start by reading her letter." Joy said as she massaged his shoulders, then kissed the top of his head as he had done to her so often as he comforted her.

"You're right Joy, I know that, but what if"

"Rick, sweetie, what if you never open the letter, you may be missing out on your last chance at true happiness. Take it from someone who knows, time isn't promised to anyone, go for it Rick, or at least read what she has written. You know it takes a lot of courage to write, especially how things went down the last time you saw each other. Don't you think she deserves at least the time to read her letter?" Joy asked, tears pooling in her eyes,

Rick looked back, "Why the tears Joy? If this is what you want for me, why do your eyes fill with tears when things like this happen?" Rick asked,

"Rick, once you have true love, you'll know just how precious it is, you don't ever get over losing someone, especially your soulmate, you just learn how to deal with it, and how to disguise your feelings, well most of the time. You have that opportunity, perhaps, I know how you feel, now maybe it's time to find out how she feels. People change Rick, give her a chance," she asked.

Rick looked at the envelope then back to her, reached for his letter opener from his desk, "I'll be across the hall, call if you need me. I got your back, and I do love you, but I could never be Kate, any more than you could be Cathy." She slipped out the door, as Rick slid the opener under the seal carefully.

His hands were actually shaking, as he opened the letter, it was a long one, gee, how many pages did she write, he thought as he spread out 14 pages and gently unfolded the creases to allow them to lay flat. He had placed them upside down on purpose, he paused, then turned then over and began to read,

Dear Rick,

You're probably wondering why I am writing you this letter, but I don't want to leave things between us as they were the last time, I saw you.

That would be the understatement of the year Rick thought as he began to read her delicate handwriting, each letter of every word, almost like a calligraphist would letter. STOP, he chastised himself, the message was what was important, but seeing her handwriting had him rushing right back to the times at the precinct and her updating the murder board.

I want to ask for your forgiveness, I know I said I was sorry for a lot of my actions, but saying it, and seeking forgiveness are totally different I have grown to learn.

What? Kate had mumbled something about being sorry, but she had never opened herself up, nor accepted the accountability for her actions. There had always been some reason to cause it, somehow as if that would justify her treating some people like crap.

"I learned a great deal during my time at the academy, it saved my job, perhaps my life. I think I may have found myself, my real self while I was there. I know you went to bat with Mayor Weldon to get me one last shot at staying a cop.

She wasn't supposed to find out about the talk he had with Bob, how he had twisted his arm and threatened him with revealing men code secrets to his wife if he didn't at least give her a chance. It had cost him in his relationship with Bob, he had only heard from him three times since he moved,

The truly surprising revelation was that she had embraced change, something the Kate Beckett he had last spoken to would never do, not even when she knew she was wrong. Her comment about finding her real self forced Rick to ponder just what Kate was the real version. Could she have changed that much in the months he had been gone?

"I never said it to your face, before this I probably would never even have thought about it, but Thank You.

WHAT? Who was this person, not the Kate he had left at the hotel in New York? She was so open and self-deprecating, openly admitting her faults of the past of not even considering thanking someone who had done or attempted to do something nice for her.

She was right, this was the very first sincere thanks he had received. Sure, she had mumbled thanks as she prepared to chew him out about something else, but how sincere could they be in that situation.

While we're on that topic, thank you for every time you waded through my sarcastic, sometimes downright evil vitriol to ensure I was safe, even when I had no idea of the danger, I was in.

WOW, who wrote this letter? First, she acknowledged that she hadn't thanked him, then she opened her soul, confessing to the hurtful words she had thrown his way. Rick was more than shocked, he was speechless, he never thought he would ever live to see the day that Kate would bare her soul to admit so many shortcomings in just a few paragraphs in a letter he never thought he would receive.

Rick read the letter slowly until he read the line;

"I know you probably want to be rid of me, for me to be out of your life once and forever, I don't blame you, I would as well if I were you, I didn't give you any reason to hold on to even my memory.

His eyes mist remembering the good days, but more so the hurt, the deep hurt that almost completely broke him. If he was being honest, if Joy had not come back into his life, he didn't know where he would be. He was at the lowest point in his life, and if he hadn't felt that he owed his fans a conclusion to the series, he probably would have just, well, he didn't want to finish that thought. He wiped his eyes and continued to read.

I can't hide my sadness when my thoughts turn to, or someone remembers an event when the world was right, at least in my mind. Roy was our captain and you sat in that funky chair, bringing me coffee every day, just to make me smile.

That line brought a smile to his face, that chair, God it was the ugliest chair he had ever seen, probably on the pile to be discarded when the Captain ordered Esposito to find him a seat. Esposito, another piece of work, Mr. Special Forces for the precinct, a legend in his own mind and unofficial guardian for Beckett.

"I took you for granted Rick, I abused your feelings, and my actions drove you away, both officially with those damn letters, or even more hurtful, my physical responses with others and to everything you did for me.

Rick let a tear fall as he read that line, was she saying what he thought she was? Was this the Kate Beckett that seemed to delight in his pain and heartache, parading men in front of him knowing full well how much he loved her?

His mind raced to an awful thought, was Beckett dying? Was this her confession to free her soul?" He scanned the letter quickly to see the part where she told him how much time she had left on this earth. After scanning for the key words four times, feeling some sense of relief he began to re-read the from where he had left off.

"I just hope that your huge heart hasn't closed completely on us, yes I know I said it before Rick, but there was an us, at least in my mind and heart. You were my partner and my best friend.

Rick took a deep breath, for the first time she had acknowledged he was more than a pesky tag along writer, he was her partner and best friend. If she had only told him, hell given him some kind of hint, his heartache would have been much less, and who knows what would have happened. He paused, and thought about all their conversations, all of the subtexts that had been used from both sides, perhaps he was laying all of the blame on Kate unfairly.

He had convinced himself that he had done everything to show her how he felt, but the one thing he never did was Tell Her, at least when she could hear him. Telling her he loved her when she had passed out from hypothermia in a freezer car didn't count.

He had another opportunity when the wires were yanked from the damn bomb, what did he do, he challenged the defused bomb in a fake macho move rather than pull her close and tell her how happy he was to have more time to spend with her. He remembered her laugh, God he lived for that sound, it seemed to heal his world, no matter what was going wrong when he heard it.

He paused to reflect back on their time together, evaluating the conflicts that he had blamed her entirely with now with his new shared sense of responsibility for the failure to launch. Kate had done many things to hurt or irritate him, but he had never cornered her to force her to explain her actions, he had let her slide whereas she asked him directly.

She asked about his ex-wives, about Ellie Monroe, and Jacinda, now that he thought back perhaps her action was a reaction to something she felt he did to hurt her. Maybe he should have asked, how did I upset you, rather than just assuming she didn't care, or buy into her line, 'do what you want Castle, you always do anyway', her words said one thing, her eyes had shown another story. He should have asked or forced her to tell him when he hurt her.

Rick we both know, I waited because it was the easy thing to do, you see I was afraid of commitment. It only took me seven months in therapy to get to the cause, another four to finally have the breakthrough, that I was afraid of hurting or being hurt.

Oh my God, Kate went to therapy, and she is openly admitting it? This was something he would have bet at least half his bank account on that she would have gone to her grave before she would have admitted, much less released the information herself. The person who wrote this letter was totally opposite of the woman he had last seen in New York several months ago.

This was the type of talk that would have been productive, and even though there was a great deal of baggage, on both sides, it could have at least put them both on the same highway to potential success. He thought about Kate, how private she was, and how brave she had to be to openly admit this to him, even if in a letter.

He knew this had to be one of the hardest admissions of her life, she was putting everything she had into this letter, and it was making him think about things in a totally different direction. He read the next paragraphs and had to stop, tears came to his eyes and he couldn't stop them. His mind flashed back to the good times, the happy times he had with Kate, he finally cleared his eyes enough to read the words in their entirety,

"I still can't answer the first question my therapist asked me any differently than I did then, he asked 'Kate, do you think Mr. Castle would ever hurt you, either with intent or by accident'? Just in case you didn't know how I answered it, I remember it word for word,

"Dr. Burke, Rick is the only man I have ever met in my life who would sacrifice everything for my happiness, would he ever hurt me, not in a million years, and if by the remote chance I did get my feelings hurt, he would move heaven and earth to make it up to me."

"OK, I said it on paper, which I know is the cowardly way of letting you know but I meant it then, Rick, and I still believe it today. Deep in my heart, I know that you still would never hurt me, you aren't capable, even when I have finally realized just how badly I did destroy you.

There it was, the one element that had been missing in every conversation they had ever had. She acknowledged that she was aware of how he felt about her, and how her actions put him on the brink, well pushed him to the height of despair.

She hadn't realized just how deeply he had been hurt, he knew he hid it well, perhaps too well and that could have contributed to his attitude of her total disregard of his feelings. He truly believed that Kate was not the type of super-bitch that could just hurt people without any regard.

"I don't take things for granted as I used to, especially people. I listen to a lot of music, as I wait for your next book, you spoiled me, no other writer could ever compare to your style or the comfort you have brought me with your words.

He always had suspicions that she was a fan, at one time he thought he had figured out her handle on his website, but then a blowup came between them, and there were more things to worry about than who was a fan.

She had let it slip early on that her mother was the original fan, she came on board after her mom passed to keep her close to her. He was happy to read that she had begun to pay attention to people, the little things often made the difference in someone's world or life.

He recognized the song she was referring to as soon as he saw the words, he was a John Denver fan himself and it was a fitting song for them both. He was conflicted with joy, guilt, and regret as he read the letter, he still wasn't quite clear the defining reason why Kate was bearing her soul, it was a great milestone, but he still had that hesitation of why? Then he read the next line,

"Rick, if you haven't figured out the reason for this letter yet, I'm not the wordsmith you are, I would like one more chance to talk to you.

Rick read the line three times before he let go of the anger that he wasn't even aware he had been harboring from their last meeting. It only took a few lines of her pouring her soul out as he reread the letter to remind him that she had put her heart and soul on paper, now wasn't the time to play silly games. She had asked for an opportunity to introduce him to the new Kate, and from what he had read it was an accurate description she had portrayed in her letter.

"I'm still getting to know her myself, but I see a lot of your values now, what is really important in life and I would appreciate any time you may give me, by phone, Skype, or hopefully some time for lunch in a public place to talk as we used to be able to. I don't know what your official dating status,

Rick read that line and thought what? Then it dawned on him he and Joy were living in the same home in New York, then she moved with him to California, without any official statement of their status. The closest anything had come to that answer was when one reporter asked the question about her becoming his next muse.

Neither he nor Joy had hidden the fact that they loved each other, they just didn't advertise the fact that they were having sex on a more frequent basis than most couples in official relationships. Joy and he both had agreed they would stop the sex, but they would never walk away from their friendship If either of them found the love of their life. That was the deal-breaker, the acceptance of Rick or Joy as a friend was unconditional for both.

Rick's eyes glanced down to the last few paragraphs, and froze, he read the words, then re-read them, then traced them with his fingers almost as if magically he would hear Kate's voice say what she had written.

"Well, I guess I only have one opportunity to tell you this, and please forgive me for being such a coward until now. I'm in love with you Richard Castle, I have been since our fourth case together, but I was a fool"

Rick read it again, and tears once again came to his eyes. He loved her, he knew he still loved her, and would always love her, and now, she had told him that she was in love with him. This was like a thousand Christmas Days where he got all the presents in Santa's bag. He was happy, and suddenly fearful,

My God, I have to tell Joy, I won't lead her on, and I won't do anything to hurt her or our friendship, but God this is going to be the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. His eyes traveled down to the last lines of her letter, this time the tears fell for not only himself but for a friend he knew loved him enough to back off to a traditional friendship

"It's what I wanted to tell you the last time I saw you, I was a coward, the story of my life I guess, and I just reverted back to the same old song you were so tired of hearing. You said once, 'the heart wants what the heart wants' after a case involving a sad case of love, well, my heart wants what your heart wants,

I love you, Rick,

Always,

Kate,

Joy had walked by his office unnoticed a few times to ensure he was OK, she knew they loved each other, but why in the hell did they keep hurting each other. She looked in and this time, his head was down, she could tell he was crying so she went to him.

"Rick, hey I'm here, was it bad news?" she asked, but when he pulled his head back and she looked into his eyes, she knew why the tears were falling, Kate was back in his life.

TBC

A/N This was a longer chapter because I couldn't break up the response to Kate's letter. I think for the Caskett fans who have been pushing me to get them together, stay patient. This won't be a kiss and makeup and all is well in the universe, but I think you know where it is going, Thanks for your support.