Coming Out or Going In

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 24

Wallingford Dr,

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

One Hour Later

/_/

Rick finally emerged from his office to find Joy completing her move from the master suite upstairs across from his to the master suite located on the first floor on the opposite side of the house. She smiled at him sadly,

"Hey, we both knew this day would come, I know if I stay so close, I will be tempted and you're not that type of man, or I that other woman. We've both been hurt by infidelity, and we won't take that chance. I hope this is OK, Rick, I mean I should have asked but I wanted you to take your time to regroup." Joy said as she hugged him,

"Joy, we're not together I mean, I, there's no need, I haven't even spoken to Kate"

"But you want to, and you should. I've been trying to figure what the hell is the problem between you two since I first came back and finally figured it out. You want to know what it is Rick?" Joy asked

"By all means, God knows I haven't been able to figure us out, all this time, and even now, Joy that letter was from someone totally different than the Kate I left in New York," Rick said perplexed

"OK, I've known you most of my adult life, one thing we have always been able to do is to talk to each other, without hesitation. Just like now, I know this isn't how you wanted it to go, but Rick, I've been pushing you to follow your heart, find that true love, it will change you. You and Kate get all tongue-tied when you're next to each other, and never say what you really want to.

"You say the letter is from someone that doesn't resemble the Kate you left, simple explanation Rick, she's in love and opening up, she's coming out of her shell and telling you how she feels. I haven't read a word she wrote, but I watched you from the hall, I haven't seen you this touched since, well in a very long time." Joy said as Rick started thinking, she was right, the most productive communication they had ever had was not verbal, but written.

Rick looked shocked, "How, I, mean, I"

"I talked to Roz when she was here and gave her your address to give to Kate, and asked her to write to you ONLY if she was still as in love with you as she was the day you walked away." Joy said softly,

Rick looked at her, "What? If I waited for either of you two to get your head out of your asses I would die before either of you got around to it. Ricky, remember when you started up with Kyra, even as bad a bitch that Sheila was, you kept on, you never gave up, Kyra was your only priority in life. Hell, you were a broke college student.

"Now you have wealth that would let you buy anything you want but you still hold back, why? Are you afraid of hurting? Newsflash dear friend, it's going to happen no matter how tightly you guard your heart, everyone is somebody's fool sometimes.

"You and I have both already been in that game, but because you lose you can't quit, you can't stop putting yourself out there. If you want happiness, you have to be willing to go all-in, and not just in somethings. Going in with all of your heart is the only way you are going to be able to show Kate, you're worth the wait, the tears, and the pain." Joy was still hugging him, as they swayed back and forth to no music at all.

"Well, what about you Joy, I mean if I have to be willing to go all-in, when are you going to come out, I mean really coming out, not just a fling here, or a glance there. Don't get me wrong, the past months have been some of the best sex I have ever had, and I know we have love, but you need to let Cathy go, all the way. If you want to really pursue a long-term relationship past just great sex, you have to put yourself out there again" Rick said softly as he massaged her back still swaying,

"Are you telling me we need to have a Coming Out party for me, and a celebration for you Going In into a relationship, letting your heart feel again? Joy asked?

"Well, if you put it that way, yeah, that's exactly what I mean. You tell me about getting my head out of my ass, you push me to go all in, risk the heartache, so it has to work both ways. You have to have a coming-out party and follow your heart, not your woo ha, as you would have told me" Rick smiled,

"You're right, sexual gratification is great, hell, it's more than great it's what I live for, the only thing I live for. If I lose it, and I see now that I have, it's time to get real and stop fooling myself, so I will if you will. What do you say, Rick?" Joy looked up at him, still swaying slightly to music that only the two of them could hear.

"OK, it's a deal, BUT I don't want to rush things with Kate, SO, you have to let me proceed with caution, I don't think I could take another heartbreak like the last one," Rick said sadly,

"I understand, take it at your pace, and the same for me, I mean I just can't flip an internal switch and one day be a horny woman wanting to fuck your brains out, and then hours later seek a meaningful relationship in the lesbian world. You spoiled me, Rick, it's going to take time to find someone who can replace your caring, your tenderness, your constant attention to my satisfaction, male or female those traits are almost impossible to find in a partner." She said quietly, as he blushed, she pulled back kissed his cheek,

"You need to answer Kate's letter, today, and I need to start planning what I'm going to do, or as you put it, 'what lake I'm going to drop my line into to fish at', I'll always love you, you know that, right?" She whispered

"Yes, that's one thing I am sure of, you know I love you as well, right Joy? I mean I'll always be here for you, regardless,"

"I know Rick, now go write your letter, please" she smiled and gently smacked his arm.

XxX

Rick's Office

4 Hours Later

Rick's desk was surrounded with crumpled legal pad sheets, some with only a few lines he had written, a few with almost a full-page, he was really struggling how to answer Kate. He resisted the urge to just pick the phone up and call her, he didn't want to imply that one letter had cured all that was or had been wrong between them, so he struggled on.

Finally, he opened his laptop and did as he did when he was stuck on Storm or Heat books, he just wrote what was in his heart and would go back and see if anything was worth keeping, once he had poured his heart out. He had edited thousands of pages written this way, so he knew what to expect. Plus, if he kept doing it the handwritten way, he would be the direct cause of the death of three trees to supply the paper. So, it began,

"Dear Kate,

First let me say thank you for your sincere and heartfelt letter, it was definitely not like any discussion we have ever had, either in person, by telephone, or in writing. I know how hard it was for you to open up to many things you wrote, and I appreciate your effort, honesty, and for opening your heart to me. You're exactly right, saying I'm sorry isn't the same as asking for forgiveness, so thank you for that.

"You probably know by the verbiage above that there is a BUT, isn't there always between us. You were honest with me, so I will be as honest as I can with you, even when I know it will possibly hurt your feelings. I know some things I write will be hurtful to you, BUT I need to vent them, to flush everything out and then, so I will apologize now, it's not my intent to hurt or open old wounds, I mean that sincerely. Perhaps, and it's perhaps at this time, we can talk to discuss if we can get past this opening step.

"I'm sorry, I truly am, I want to believe you, I want to believe you so badly but I have so many times before only to come away with a deeper hurt. I'm glad your time at the Academy served the purpose it was designed to do, not to punish you, but to allow you to reset, or reassess your life values and move on from there.

"Please don't give me too much credit with Mr. Mayor, you weren't supposed to know what happened behind the scenes, but I see that Bob still can't keep his mouth shut to save his life. I only asked that a good colleague, and perhaps the best police officer I ever worked with or observed be given an opportunity to start over, nothing more.

"I read your sincere Thank You, and I had to pause, I do think that was the very first time you not only recognized what was done for you but expressed your gratitude in a heartfelt and believing way. To that I say, you're welcome, it's what partners do, or at least are supposed to for each other.

"You were never shy to tell me exactly what you thought, which is fine, as long as by using your own words, it wouldn't come off as such a harsh, almost hate-filled message, so filled with vitriol that forced me to sometimes questioned why I bothered to continue to try to help or protect you. I had many internal struggles with that if we are truthful, especially when it came to the double standards of privacy you practiced with my personal life and yours.

"It appeared to be completely acceptable to make comments, judge, or the very worse, just assume things, not in evidence about my relationships, and supposed love life. But since you didn't live your life on page six, and wanted to keep your private life private until you paraded men in front of me, why I don't know.

"I'm sure you knew by then I had feelings for you, and if it was to hurt or humiliate me, mission accomplished. I spoke to my therapist who asked me why did I go back for more when I could predict future behavior on a consistent pattern of the past, I couldn't give her an answer.

"She arrived at the theory that you had presented a challenge to me, a puzzle or mystery if you will, that by my nature I had to figure out or it would drive me crazy. It sounded more plausible than any I could arrive at. We discussed rejection, hell Detective, I have been rejected just as any male on this planet has, I can deal with that without a second thought.

"What you did was tease that the prize, or more meaningful personal relationship with you, was in reach. Just after we reached that plateau, you arrived with your newest boyfriend, not once, but four times. It wasn't the rejection that hurt, at least in your case, it was the sense of lost hope, and wondering what I had done to force you to change your opinion of me.

"If you haven't picked up on it yet, yes, I suffer some form of anxiety, I have since Kyra left for London to follow a dream her mother created to break us up. I always accept that it had to be something I had done, or said to force others to do something that was hurtful to me in relationships, romantic or not. Now you know how I could continue to come in and face you on some very humiliating days, my psyche told me it was my fault and I had to do better.

"Joy just confessed she was the one to give my address to Roz with a specific set of instructions, I hope you and Roz had the talk that Joy had demanded and you wrote the letter only after considering what was said,

"Thank you for the compliment on the home, but I didn't relocate to California to be rid of you, or as you put it, out of my life once and for all. I had become so numb to you by that time that it really didn't matter anymore what you did or where I lived, other issues prompted the move, I can assure you none were about or concerned you.

"I'm sorry that your trip down memory lane brought sadness to you, we can agree that the chair was perhaps the ugliest relic that Esposito could possibly have found, and you approved it. I should have put my guard up then, and asked myself how welcome was I really going to be in your world?

"Looking back, about as much as a virus infecting the world. I had the false hopes that I could reason with you, show you signs of friendship, such as the coffee and bear claw you mentioned, hell even taking you into our home when you needed one, none worked for more than a brief period of time.

"You're correct in your memory, you mumbled thank you, a few times, but you repaid my hospitality by moving in with Lanie the weekend before I got home from the book tour. Once again, I had to visit the doctor to try to discover how I could have pressured you too much to make you do such a hurtful thing, again, the complex, and me trying to blame myself for being treated shabbily.

"Since we are being honest, or trying to, I will bare my soul that Lanie told me in confidence you were having trouble finding a new apartment within your price range and distance from the precinct. I know your monthly rent is $2450 and your building management company is named MAR Incorporated, how you are probably asking.

"It's a subsidiary of RCE or Richard Castle Enterprises, so yes as pathetic as it sounds, I had my Real Estate Investment Broker buy the building you are living in, and lower the rent to your range so you could go on with your life. You see Detective, I wanted you to be safe, and happy, and for periods of time, brief as they may be, I thought you felt the same for me, I was wrong.

"You're correct, you did administer severe abuse but not to just me, but the friendship I offered, and the possibility of any relationship that might have been, albeit even just friends as well. I will tell you, I was embarrassed, shocked, and deeply hurt when Bob Weldon called me to read me your letters, or portions of them, he never let me see them in their entirety.

"You described me as a petulant child to the Mayor of the City of New York, and the Police Commissioner, both personal friends of mine for years and cast doubt on my integrity as an adult man. Quotes such as a nine-year-old on a sugar rush, the attention span of a cocker spaniel, and your comments to your coworkers, you want him you can have him, and last but not least, Can I shoot him yet, in front of the entire squad.

"Abused? Perhaps the correct word, or perhaps not, you certainly weren't shy of telling your feelings in writing to the two top officials of our city, never once considering that your subject in your letters, who self admittedly can and is a pain the ass at times, was, and is a human being YOU requested help from to solve a case

"Your letter provided a pretty good assessment when you said 'That is a great deal to forgive someone of, and I don't expect it to happen with one letter' I would concur with that. Some lines once crossed can never be reversed, and I really don't know if we fall into that category or not, at least not now.

"You shocked me when you admitted that in your heart there was an US, something I had mentioned a few times to be told that there never would be, yet I trudged on trying to prove myself worthy. It's tremendously hard to understand what you did, much less why, both factors required before any reasonable human could be asked to forgive such actions.

"You provided a lot of the what you did, which honestly, I couldn't have forgotten if I tried but none of the why. I disagree with you in one part of your letter; we were never friends. I tried, and at times you pretended to be for a short while, but we always reverted back to colleagues, there's a huge difference as you well know.

"We are working on the details for the final release of Heat, which I know will make you happy, so I can't comment on when I will be in New York, at least not yet. I was touched that you would confess your feeling of fear of hurt, or being hurt, but Detective, all the time you were waiting, you weren't the only one trying to deal with that issue.

"Thanks for sharing your conversation with your therapist, I can tell you they help if you put in the work required. I'm touched that you acknowledged the fact that I would never hurt you, that was and is still true. At one time in my life I would have tried to give you the planets you describe, but everything changes, even people you think you know.

"There is a season for everything, including forgetting the past and a renewal of the future, I'm not sure where I'm at with that, at least not yet. The old saying that if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger was never designed for personal relationships, at least none that I can think of. You accurately described me in your letter, the mental and physical state I was in when I reunited with Joy, well you almost succeeded in destroying me.

"I'm happy that you aren't taking things for granted, especially people, we all have a shelf life on our ability to accept and forgive. I'm a huge music fan, something else you never took the time to learn about me, I played piano at The Old Haunt to help pay the bills when I first started the Storm novels.

"Music is the release of our soul's emotions, and I'm a big John Denver fan as well. I know the song you referred to in your letter, but review the last line, are you sorry for what you did, or as the song says sorry for yourself? One more point that reinforces my opening line, I want to believe you, but I'm having trouble believing that much change has occurred in your life in a short time."

"My dating status is the same as it's always been, well at least since Gina, single. I won't go into any more detail than that, but when you told me you loved me, I had to stop. _Well, I'm back, at first when I read those words, I'm sorry but this is going to hurt you, I thought since when? Who dumped you and why are you telling me this now? Then I realized that possibly wasn't totally fair, so I apologize for that.

"I've enclosed my cell phone number, remember I'm three hours behind you in time zones so given the bombshell you dropped on me, I think we do need to talk, but Kate, you have to be ready to convince me. I won't, make that can't go down that road you've led me far too many times. Think about what you want to say, more than that how you can prove it to me, then let's schedule a call.

"Again, I want to believe you, I truly do, but I also want my recently mended broken heart to stay in one piece, I think I've made myself more than clear about how I feel, now the ball is in your court. If you can't or won't meet those terms, then I won't hear from you, and I wish you God Speed, go live your life in happiness as you can find it,

Rick,

TBC

A/N I had hoped to have this story completed by today, BUT I have guests in from out of town, AND the time lag of the system admins to correct a very basic problem has put me behind. No Updates after this, at least at this point for a minimum of one week. Sorry for the inconvenience,

Tim

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