The second time Jay almost told Hailey how he felt was three weeks after the first. It had been a long few days, working a case that none of them were ever likely to forget given the way it had ended. The thing had started with a robbery, then a side of domestic violence had been thrown in for good measure, before their main suspect had taken the easy way out, but not before taking the rest of his family with him. It was the type of case that Jay knew affected Hailey more than the rest of them, the type of case that reminded her of a part of her life that she didn't like to talk about. And while she hid her feelings well, while she carried on as if it was any other case, Jay saw right through the act she put up in front of everyone else.
It was why he went looking for her after they had been told nothing more could be done, because he knew that regardless of what she said, they needed to do their thing tonight. It was why he passed on the offer of drinks with the rest of the team, because he knew she wouldn't want to be around anyone else. And it was why he wasn't surprised to find her sat on the floor of the locker room, knees pulled up to her chest, staring off into space.
He made sure no one else was about before closing the door and moving over to her. She didn't notice him, too busy in her own world, but he noticed everything about her. The tear stained cheeks, the clench of her jaw, and the slightly increased rate of breathing.
"Hey," he spoke softly, taking a seat on the floor next to her.
There was no response, so he gently placed his hand on one of the arms she had wrapped around her legs, causing her to jump.
"Sorry, I didn't mean-" But he stopped as she shook her head and focused on him. "Hey, you okay?"
It was a stupid question because clearly she was not okay, but he didn't want to push her, not here at least. She gave a sharp nod and stood up, letting Jay's hand fall away, before moving over to her locker. Jay watched on as she rummaged around in her locker whilst he tried to work out what to do.
"Hailey," he said as he got up and moved to stand next to her.
"I'm fine, Jay."
Given the way she was chucking things around her locker and then the way she slammed the door shut, it was a lie, but he let her have it until she tried to move past him.
"Hey." He reached out to stop her, placing his hands on her arms. "Clearly you're not fine. And that's okay given what just happened."
He was barely holding onto her, but she didn't attempt to move away from him. She bit her lip and let out a deep breath before dropping her head. "He killed them all. He had nothing to gain and he still…"
"I know," he said as he pulled her into a hug.
If their suspect had still been alive, he had no idea how he would have reacted. He was angry and frustrated beyond belief at how it had all gone down, but as soon as he started walking to the locker room in search of Hailey, he had made peace with the fact that he couldn't change anything. What he could do however was make sure that his partner, his best friend, the person he would do anything for, was going to be okay. So no matter what she said or did, he wasn't leaving her side until he knew for sure that she felt better.
Jay considered saying something more, but with the way Hailey was holding onto him, still letting out shaky breaths, he realised keeping quiet was a better move. She needed some time to process it by herself, to work through all the thoughts, but he also wanted to help. He settled for gently threading his hand through her hair and brushing his thumb along the bare skin of her neck. The words would come later, probably after a couple of beers, and they would help too, they always did, but he hoped this was enough for now.
It was weird, but as they were standing in the locker room, Jay realised it was the longest hug they had ever shared. Not to diminish what had just happened but there had been worse cases for both of them in the past, there had been near death experiences too, yet for some reason this was the first case where they allowed each other to provide proper physical comfort. There had been a squeeze of an arm or shoulder before, but nothing like this.
In fact, the whole physical thing had changed since she had gotten back from New York. Now they touched each other's arms when they were moving past or wanted to nudge the other to do something. Now their feet ended up touching under the desk, which had never happened before, but they still didn't speak about it. And then, of course, there were the hugs.
This was the fourth since she had returned from New York. There had been the welcome back hug at the airport, the thank you hug after dinner last week, the slightly drunken goodbye hug at Molly's a few days ago, and then there was this one. While Jay hated what had led to this hug, while he wished there had been another reason for it, he couldn't deny that he liked having her in his arms again.
"Can we get out of here?"
Her voice was quiet and she wasn't actually moving away from him, so Jay decided to take the lead.
"Yeah." He let go of her and bent down to pick up her bag, ignoring the look she gave him to ask if he was really going to carry it for her. "Come on."
As much as he wanted to take her hand or wrap an arm around her, they weren't at that stage yet, and neither of them were ready for any looks or comments that were sure to accompany such a gesture. So instead Jay settled for placing a hand on her back to guide her until they stepped outside of the locker room. Neither of them said a word as they exited the station; Hailey still appeared to be putting in some effort to act as if she was okay in case anyone spotted them, and he didn't want to distract her or bring up anything that could make it worse.
It was only once they were both sat inside the truck and he had started the engine that she finally spoke again. "Can we go to yours?"
"Yeah." Jay offered her a small smile to counteract the doubt he saw on her face. "You know you're welcome over anytime."
She muttered a thanks before turning to look out the window as Jay took the hint to drive. They would talk at his, away from everyone else, where no one would interrupt. She didn't have to say it but he knew the reason Hailey hadn't suggested her place was because Vanessa would be back at some point and Hailey clearly didn't want her roommate to see her in this state.
"Think you could do something for me?" he asked a few minutes into the drive once he had pulled up at a set of lights. Hailey didn't speak but she turned towards him, waiting for him to tell her what it was before she agreed. "Can you order us some pizza? I have nothing in and I could certainly use a pizza and beer night."
"Yeah," she muttered, reaching down to grab her phone. "Usual?"
"Yeah. Think we might also need some garlic bread and dessert too. I'll let you choose what we get."
There was a chance Hailey would play the not hungry card, but she wouldn't be able to resist all the food if it turned up, and they had barely gotten a chance to eat today. She didn't say another word, but he saw the hint of a smile on her face as she started ordering the food for them. While he wanted to talk to her more, to see if he could get a full smile out of her, he stopped himself and focused on the driving. There was no need to rush; she would let him know when she was ready.
It didn't take much longer to get back to his apartment. They headed up together in silence, though Jay couldn't stop himself from glancing at her every few seconds. She seemed more in control than before, like she had talked herself out of the worst of it, but he was going to make sure of it.
"Beer?" he asked once they were inside and removing their coats. "Or something stronger?"
"Beer's fine. For now."
Jay couldn't help but smile at her addendum as he backed away to the kitchen. He grabbed the beers and opened them up before heading into the living room to find Hailey already sat cross legged on the couch. She took the beer with a thanks, her fingers brushing against his as she did so. It was a move that would have thrown him three weeks ago but was now weirdly commonplace for them, not that either of them would actually acknowledge it.
"My mom tried to leave once."
Her voice was barely more than a whisper and she was focused on the beer bottle resting between her legs, but she had Jay's full attention.
"Like properly leave. All the other times I knew it would never happen but that time it was different. They had been arguing all morning and he'd been drinking, and then she fell down the stairs." The twist of Hailey's lips along with her tone were enough for Jay to know her mother hadn't fallen. "My brother decided to confront my dad, told me and my other brother to stay safe and that he would save mom." She paused, picking at the label on the bottle. "That was the first time he hit any of us."
Jay had so many questions and so many things he wanted to say to her, but he held his tongue.
"He told us my brother had fallen down the stairs like my mom and that we had to be more careful. We went along with it and then he left, said he had a poker game to get to. My mom was all over my brother, making sure he was okay, and then as soon as she heard my dad's car leave she told us all to pack a bag with anything we wanted to keep." Hailey took a sip of beer as Jay watched on. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. He had been with her in the interview yesterday, had heard her plead with their suspect's wife to just leave, to do it for her kids. "I was only eight at the time, but I got it, and I thought that was it. He'd gone too far and she wasn't going to let him do it anymore. So we packed up and we were about to get in the car, but then he came back. I thought for sure he was going to yell and do worse than that morning, but he just told us there was something we needed to see."
"He brought you presents?" Jay asked after a few seconds.
Hailey took another sip of beer before giving a nod and looking up to him. "Yeah. Acted like nothing had happened and the rest of the day he became the dad we loved; he became the man my mom must have fallen in love with. He was fun and he made jokes, and he played with us."
"Hailey-"
She shook her head, focusing back on the bottle. "I should have known she wouldn't leave. I-"
"Hey, you did everything right." He set his beer down and reached his hand out to stop her picking at the label. "You got through to her when no one else could. You got her to give him up."
She closed her eyes for a moment before looking back up to him. "She still went back to him. And then he killed them."
"I know. But that's not on you. You gave her a chance," he said, feeling her thumb brush across the top of his. "Everything else that happened. There's only one person who's to blame for that and he killed himself."
Jay felt her hand tense under his, but before he had a chance to say anything more, the buzzer for his door went. He held her gaze for a moment longer, making sure she agreed with what he was saying, before gently squeezing her hand. "I'll go grab the food."
By the time he made it back with the pizza, Hailey had the TV on but that's not what caught his attention as he set the boxes down on the coffee table. There was the hint of a smile on her face as she reached forwards to grab one of the boxes while he kept his eyes on her, and more specifically the hoodie she was wearing.
"I was cold, hope you don't mind," she told him as she opened up her box.
He shook his head as he grabbed his pizza and took a seat next to her. He wished he had a witty comeback instead of the dumbstruck look he was currently sporting, but he really hadn't been expecting this. She had never worn his clothes before, not that he minded, he'd give her the hoodie or anything else he owned if she wanted, he just needed a moment to process it.
"You want some?" Hailey asked, holding out the box with the garlic bread in it.
"Uh, yeah. Thanks."
He grabbed a piece and took a bite, hoping to distract her from the fact that he was finding it very hard to string more than three words together right now.
"Feel like watching some TV and forgetting about the rest of the day?"
"You sure?" His brain was suddenly reengaged now that it could be serious. "Maybe we should talk about it more?"
"You were right, Jay. The only person to blame is him." The confidence in her voice was more what he was used to from her. "Figure we could both use some time to chill out. I mean we have pizza and beer, and a game's about to start."
He held her gaze for a moment, making sure she wasn't just faking her way through it, but it seemed like she had turned something of a corner on the case so he let a smile come to his face. "Sounds good to me."
For the rest of the night they ate and they drank, and they chatted about the game amongst other inane topics. Jay would never have predicted that they would have been able to laugh or joke around this evening, but he wouldn't take it away for anything. Hearing Hailey laugh and seeing her smile, especially when he was the one who caused it, was the best feeling in the world as far as he was concerned, and he never wanted it to end.
Unfortunately, after the game finished and there was a lull in their conversation, Hailey checked the time and they both realised how late it was. Jay knew she was going to leave so he quickly offered to let her stay whilst trying not to sound desperate, because the truth was he just wanted to be around her. It didn't matter if they were watching a game, eating food, sitting in silence, or sleeping in different rooms, he would take anything she was willing to give. And he'd held out some hope when she had considered his offer instead of saying no straight away, but in the end she had declined, telling him that he'd already done more than enough tonight and that they both needed to get some sleep.
"Uber's almost here," Hailey announced, getting up from the couch and walking over to the door.
Jay trailed behind her, trying to work out if he should say what was really on his mind or if it was best to leave it for now. By the time she had her boots on and was turning back to face him, he still didn't have an answer. Yet when he saw her going for the zipper of his hoodie, he found himself speaking.
"You can keep it for now," he told her, causing her hand to stall. "Wouldn't want you getting cold on the way home. Don't think I'd hear the end of it tomorrow if you did."
There was a smile on her face as she gave a nod and dropped her hands down to her side.
"Well thanks for loaning it to me," she told him as he mirrored her expression. "And thanks for everything tonight. It really helped."
"Anytime," he said, moving forwards to hug her before he could stop himself.
She wrapped her arms around him immediately, holding onto him for a few moments before they heard the notification from her phone, letting them know her ride had arrived. Neither of them mentioned it, but after a few seconds Hailey pulled back slightly and met his eyes.
"I definitely owe you for tonight."
"No you don't," he told her, noticing that they both still had their hands on each other, and suddenly the words were at the forefront of his mind. "Hailey, I…" But he stopped himself, offering her a half smile. "Let me know you get home safe, yeah?"
There was no reaction for a moment but then he noticed the grin on her face as she let go of him. "You worried about me?"
"Worried for my hoodie," he said, dropping his hands down to his side. "Need to make sure it stays safe."
"Uh huh." She pulled on her coat, still seeming highly amused, before walking over to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He wished her a goodnight and watched her walk down the corridor until she disappeared into the elevator. Once she was out of sight, he closed the door and leant his head back against it. He had been so close to telling her how he felt but he had stopped himself because he knew it wasn't the right time. When he told her he loved her, he didn't want the memory to be tainted by a bad case. He wanted it to be a day they could both look back on fondly, so he would wait a little longer, until he was sure the time was right.