Coming Out or Going In

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 25

Beckett's Apartment

New York, 7:00 PM

One Week Later

/_/

Kate had just arrived home, budgets were completed, and Thank God she didn't have to stare at Excel Spreadsheets for another few months. This was perhaps the worst part of the job, she missed being able to accompany her team on calls, the investigation scenes, and since she had been promoted to Captain after her return, she had seen Lanie a total of three times. Their visits had been polite, but the old relationship was gone and both knew it.

She went about her normal routine, it was Friday which meant she picked up her dry cleaning and treated herself to Remy's takeout, even though she cried most Fridays thinking about him. She had taken those moments previously when he was with her in such a cavalier attitude, and as she had confessed, taken him and many things for granted. She put her clothes away, returned, and before she got sidetracked, enjoyed her chocolate milkshake, fries, and cheeseburger, even dipping a fry in the shake without crying tonight.

She knew that it would take Rick some time to react, good or bad, after all, she probably placed him on the list for heart failure with her confessions, but she was glad she had told him, even if only on paper. She honestly had been preparing herself for the worst, for the entire week, she thought he had everything he wanted with Joy, what chance did she have.

She finished her meal, dipping her last fry in the little bit of the remaining shake, and began to sort a pile of mail she had remembered to stop and take out of her mailbox on her way up tonight. She had deliberately not checked the mail for the first three days, telling herself it wouldn't have been long enough even if he answered her the same day,

Tossing out the junk mail, placing the few bills and important mail in a small pile she finally reached the envelope that made her heart skip a beat, it was his handwriting, that damn sharpie would have given it away even if she hadn't memorized every pen stroke, he made by reading her notes, and few cards from him, ones she had captured in her memory chest.

She went there when nothing else worked, and when she re-read the dedication to the book that she had photographed, transferred onto a permanent paper, and sealed, it always pulled her out of whatever she was feeling, she knew he loved her once, was it too much to hope that he still did?

Her trembling hands opened the letter gently, not knowing what to expect, a half-page or one full, maybe two pages at the most to tell her she had been right, he wanted nothing to do with her. As she pulled the sheets gently from the envelope, she counted 11 pages, all folded neatly and crisply. His handwriting so distinctive and bold, she traced the letters without reading just to feel close to him before she began to read what she knew would be his final goodbye.

Finally, after holding the pages to her gently with tears streaming from her eyes, she turned the pages over and began to read. The first paragraph gave her the strength to stop crying, and a slight sliver of hope appeared for the first time since she had said goodbye to him at the book signing.

"Dear Kate,

First let me say thank you for your sincere and heartfelt letter, it was definitely not like any discussion we have ever had, either in person, by telephone, or in writing. I know how hard it was for you to open up to many things you wrote, and I appreciate your effort, honesty, and for opening your heart to me. You're exactly right, saying I'm sorry isn't the same as asking for forgiveness, so thank you for that.

WOW, this was a much better opening paragraph than she had hoped for, but she still reserved herself, knowing that something always had happened in their relationship to steal the moment away from one, or both of them. As she perused the next line, her fears were confirmed when she read,

"You probably know by the verbiage above that there is a BUT, isn't there always between us.

Oh my God, what could that be now Rick, I hope you read the part where I opened my heart and told you how long I have been in love with you. Tears formed once again as she read Rick apologizing for hurting her by things he had written, did it take him this long to tell her he was done, she was too late and she was just a bad memory to him now.

As her eyes read "I'm sorry, I truly am, I want to believe you, I want to believe you so badly as I have so many times before only to come away with a deeper hurt her tears began to fall in earnest. He was correct, she had broken his trust, lied to him, and hurt him deeply. He had every right to feel the way he did, and it was really beginning to set in that Rick was carefully choosing each word to deliver his message without trying to hurt her, if she had only been so aware and sensitive of his feelings.

She read his next paragraph deflecting credit for his intervention with the Mayor, she had overheard that it had caused a rift between the two old friends, a conflict that still remained so many months later. He placed her happiness above his own friendships, even with Mr. Mayor, so it was true what Doctor Burke, the police psychologist had told her. 'You can say I love you in hundreds of ways, without ever using the words, watch the actions, the proof of love is in how people act towards you and others.'

She continued to read and as her eyes read, I do think that was the very first time you not only recognized what was done for you but expressed your gratitude in a heartfelt and believing way. She realized just how true it was, Rick wouldn't have acknowledged it, unless it truly meant something to him. It was late, very late but she had succeeded on a very minor point so far, he had acknowledged she was grateful for his actions and help.

Her emotions were all over the spectrum and when she read 'your own words it wasn't such a harsh, almost hate-filled message so filled with vitriol that forced me to sometimes questioned why I bothered to continue to try to help or protect you forced the small sense of relief she had just gained to evaporate.

It got even worse as she read the next two paragraphs, they explained Rick's opening apology, and why he had to say the things that had never been brought to the surface between them. Even knowing the why, still didn't ease the hurt, her eyes filled, then the tears fell. How could anyone forgive this, hell she thought back to when she had been the victim of bad, but far less hurtful actions in her life and she took actions of finality. The bastard and cheating bitch deserved it, she still bristled about Brent Edwards time period of her life.

"It appeared to be completely acceptable to make comments, judge, or the very worse, just assume things, not in evidence about my relationships, and supposed love life. But since you didn't live your life on page six, and wanted to keep your private life private until you paraded men in front of me, why I don't know.

"I'm sure you knew by then I had feelings for you, and if it was to hurt or humiliate me, mission accomplished. I spoke to my therapist who asked me why did I go back for more when I could predict future behavior on a consistent pattern of the past, I couldn't give her an answer.

Oh my God, he's actually in therapy trying to forget her, to remove the triggers as the psychologists refer to, she was his trigger for heartbreak. She continued to read, after going through several tissues, and if there was any doubt about how honest and deep Rick had been, it all was erased when she read the line, a puzzle or mystery if you will, that by my nature I had to figure out or it would drive me crazy.

His therapist had dissected their time together like a puzzle that Rick had to figure out, or, well that part made sense on why he was so persistent. She knew he cared for her, but how much she had no idea, at least until after he left in the arms of Joy. He did have the internal drive, curse, or blessing for her career often to never quit dissecting the facts and possibilities until he found as he put it the story or the facts that brought everything together. Was that what she had become? A story he needed to figure out how to conclude?

She read on and caught her breath as he discussed rejection, she knew the pain, not anywhere near the scope of his, but the humiliation that Brent and Maddie had brought her haunted her to this very day. She had moved on, and forgiven Maddie, but had she really? Things were not, and never could be the same, once the toothpaste is out of the tube you can't put it back as Doctor Burke had said.

"We discussed rejection, hell Detective, I have been rejected just as any male on this planet has, I can deal with that without a second thought.

"What you did was tease that the prize, or more meaningful personal relationship with you, was in reach. Just after we reached that plateau, you arrived with your newest boyfriend, not once, but four times. It wasn't the rejection that hurt, at least in your case, it was the sense of lost hope, and wondering what I had done to force you to change your opinion of me.

"I suffer some form of anxiety; I have since Kyra left for London to follow a dream her mother created to break us up. I always accept that it had to be something I had done, or said to force others to do something that was hurtful to me in relationships, romantic or not.

She read the words, and it wasn't lost on her he was back to describing her by her former title of Detective, not Captain, not Beckett, and most hurtful, not Kate. She attributed that to the state of mind he was in when he wrote, and the hurt she had caused him, almost destroyed him was when she was a Detective.

Doctor Burke had warned that when titles are used in place of names, it sometimes means one party is trying to distance themselves from the hurt caused by the other. Not acknowledging her by her name allowed him to focus on the deeds she did, and ignore any positive or loving feelings for or towards her at the time he wrote the letter.

She detected the shift in the tone of the letter, this must be where he was venting. If anyone had that right, to tell her exactly how he felt it was Richard Castle. He had paid a huge price and suffered a deeply personal emotional injury, all because she couldn't admit her feelings, and worse, used others to disguise them, hurting not only Rick but others as well. She braced herself, and read on,

"I didn't relocate to California to be rid of you, or as you put it, out of my life once and for all. I had become so numb to you by that time that it really didn't matter anymore what you did or where I lived, other issues prompted the move, I can assure you none were about or concerned you.

"I'm sorry that your trip down memory lane brought sadness to you, we can agree that the chair was perhaps the ugliest relic that Esposito could possibly have found, and you approved it. I should have put my guard up then, and asked myself how welcome was I really going to be in your world?

"Looking back, about as much as a virus infecting the world. I had the false hopes that I could reason with you, show you signs of friendship, such as the coffee and bear claw you mentioned, hell even taking you into our home when you needed one, none worked for more than a brief period of time.

Kate had to put the letter down and run to the bathroom, she felt sick to her stomach, and her eyes were shedding tears like falling rain in a tropical storm. It took her almost twenty minutes and several sessions of splashing cold water into her face, rinsing her mouth from the bitter taste that she had expelled.

It was almost as if it were a metaphor for what Rick was attempting to do to their relationship, well, friendship, hell the possibility of her ever getting close to him, expel the repugnant tasting memories and move on to make new better ones with someone who wasn't afraid to show him her feelings.

Finally, she returned to read the letter with a cold bottle of water, taking small sips, and doing the breathing exercises that Doctor Burke had recommended for her. As she continued, she was forced to remember an awful day in her life, the day she betrayed his kindness without so much as a word.

She knew it hurt him, well upset him was what she thought at the time, but now she read, "you repaid my hospitality by moving in with Lanie the weekend before I got home from the book tour. Once again, I had to visit the doctor to try to discover how I could have pressured you too much to make you do such a hurtful thing, again, the complex, and me trying to blame myself for being treated shabbily.

Tears came, tears that she thought she had already cried out, that man had blamed himself, had been so hurt he went to see his therapist to discover what he had done wrong to force her to move out. My God, she had truly destroyed him, who could think that it could possibly be his fault, he surely couldn't believe that, or could he?

Was that when he stopped caring for her? She deserved it, she hated herself for acting that way now, no wonder Rick hated her she thought. As she read on, she gasped,

"Since we are being honest, or trying to, I will bare my soul that Lanie told me in confidence you were having trouble finding a new apartment within your price range and distance from the precinct. I know your monthly rent is $2450 and your building management company is named MAR Incorporated, how you are probably asking.

"It's a subsidiary of RCE or Richard Castle Enterprises, so yes as pathetic as it sounds, I had my Real Estate Investment Broker buy the building you are living in, and lower the rent to your range so you could go on with your life. You see Detective, I wanted you to be safe, and happy, and for periods of time, brief as they may be, I thought you felt the same for me, I was wrong.

"You're correct, you did administer severe abuse but not to just me, but the friendship I offered, and the possibility of any relationship that might have been, albeit even just friends as well. I will tell you, I was embarrassed, shocked, and deeply hurt when Bob Weldon called me to read me your letters, or portions of them, he never let me see them in their entirety.

She couldn't believe that even after all she had done to hurt, embarrass, ignore, or just push him away he would go to this length to ensure her safety and happiness. She felt extremely guilty when she thought of the men, she had paraded in front of him, having used his subsidy for rent for them to get the physical prize he had made possible. She was fucking other men in an apartment he had subsidized and she had the gall to rub it in his face, how could he ever forgive her, or could he, would he?

She had to finish the letter, she was fully expecting him to tell her to go to hell, and forget he had ever known her with each line, but what she read hurt, even more, she thought she knew hurt until she read;

"Abused? Perhaps the correct word, or perhaps not, you certainly weren't shy of telling your feelings in writing to the two top officials of our city, never once considering that your subject in your letters, who self admittedly can and is a pain the ass at times, was, and is a human being YOU requested help from to solve a case

"Your letter provided a pretty good assessment when you said 'That is a great deal to forgive someone of, and I don't expect it to happen with one letter' I would concur with that. Some lines once crossed can never be reversed, and I really don't know if we fall into that category or not, at least not now.

She read the line that ended I don't know if we fall into that category, it gave her the slimmest sliver of hope she had felt since early his first paragraph. His words weren't extremely harsh, nor encouraging, it was almost as if he had no concern if she had changed or not. He had referenced it a few times, even thanked her for being open, but it wasn't the old Rick, the one with a hopeful tone. The tone of this letter was more, well it was honest and open, but it didn't inspire hope, nor was he attempting to.

"It's tremendously hard to understand what you did, much less why, things most people need before any reasonable human could be asked to forgive such actions. You provided a lot of what you did, which honestly, I couldn't have forgotten if I tried but none of the why.

"I disagree with you in one part of your letter; we were never friends. I tried, and at times you pretended to be for a short while, but we always reverted back to colleagues, there's a huge difference as you well know.

Once again, she had to re-read those paragraphs a few times before the light came on in her head. Rick was right, she had given him all of the what, hell he had been there and didn't need to re-live that part. She had failed to open herself all the way and disclose the one thing Rick had to know, the why.

It was in every one of his stories and was always apparent in every case they worked together. Unless he knew the why, he always kept digging, just as he had done today. She kept herself reserved, only allowing herself to think that he cared enough to dig deeper, perhaps there was hope beyond all the hurt, from both sides.

"We are working on the details for the final release of Heat, which I know will make you happy, so I can't comment on when I will be in New York, at least not yet. I was touched that you would confess your feeling of fear of hurt, or being hurt, but Detective, all the time you were waiting, you weren't the only one trying to deal with that issue.

The next paragraph sent her hopes back to zero when she read the confirmation of how deeply he had felt about her at one time but quoting his line, everything changes told her that he was in process of or already had moved on. She had to catch an express train if she hoped to catch him, to convince him that she was sincere, that she was sorry.

She thought back to their time together and it dawned on her, that she would rather stand and fight with him for the rest of her life if that's what it would take to convince him. She knew she had to make him believe in her when she said that it was him, only him she wanted to be with more than anyone else in the world. She wouldn't quit, she hadn't quit, and as long as they both were alive, she was damn sure that she wasn't going away until he forced her to, or he loved her once again.

"Thanks for sharing your conversation with your therapist, I can tell you they help if you put in the work required. I'm touched that you acknowledged the fact that I would never hurt you, that was and is still true. At one time in my life I would have tried to give you the planets you describe, but everything changes, even people you think you know.

"There is a season for everything, including forgetting the past and a renewal of the future, I'm not sure where I'm at with that, at least not yet. The old saying that if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger was never designed for personal relationships, at least that I can think of. You accurately described me in your letter, the mental and physical state I was in when I reunited with Joy, well you almost succeeded in destroying me.

Once again that sliver of hope shown through with his words, I'm not sure where I'm at with that, she had to hold on to hope or she would go out of her mind it seemed. God, this was just one letter, had this been what Rick had endured the entire time, one moment thinking they had a chance then her juvenile actions for some artificial payback for being what he was, a single man. God, she had been such a fool, but she needed to tell him that, not just write it in a letter, she needed to hear his voice, at least.

"I'm happy that you aren't taking things for granted, especially people, we all have a shelf life on our ability to accept and forgive. I'm a huge music fan, something else you never took the time to learn about me, I played piano at The Old Haunt to help pay the bills when I first started the Storm novels.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Kate, of course, you knew he played piano, you knew every fan fac that was released about him, and had even been to The Old Haunt before he purchased it, just because she loved his picture hanging over the bar as she read his book where it was written.

WHY hadn't she told him? Why hadn't she showed him? God, please one more chance, just one she silently prayed as she tried to get through his letter. She prayed his last line wouldn't be for her to go away, she couldn't bear to skip ahead, she just couldn't.

"Music is the release of our soul's emotions, and I'm a big John Denver fan as well. I know the song you referred to in your letter, but review the last line, are you sorry for what you did, or as the song says sorry for yourself? One more point that reinforces my opening line, I want to believe you, but I'm having trouble believing that much change has occurred in your life in a short time."

WOW, Rick put it right out there, no subtext, no sugar coating, and she couldn't argue he had every right to think that she was just being sorry for herself, she was, but not for the reason Rick thought.

She was sorry that she may never get to go on a real first date with him, to kiss him with reckless abandonment, not in an alley as part of a rescue mission, that she could and would finally make mad passionate love to him for hours on end, the type he described on page 105 of Heatwave.

Of course, if he and Joy, or someone else were in a relationship those fantasies would remain that, a fantasy. She had to turn the page to read the next part of his letter and her heart was in her throat when she read the word single.

"My dating status is the same as it's always been, well at least since Gina, single. I won't go into any more detail than that, but when you told me you loved me, I had to stop. _Well, I'm back, at first when I read those words, I'm sorry but this is going to hurt you, I thought since when? Who dumped you and why are you telling me this now? Then I realized that possibly wasn't totally fair, so I apologize for that.

Rick was right, she dropped the L-word bomb on him without any warning whatsoever so, it was a miracle he finished the letter. She loved him, and now loved him even more because he was honest, even when he knew it wasn't something she would want to hear, he told her his thoughts. IF any relationship was going to work, it had to be based on honesty, if that wasn't the pot calling the kettle black.

The hypocrisy wasn't lost on her, but she had to convince him that she was the new Kate, the woman who would die for him, do anything he asked, just to be with him. She prayed for just one more chance and then her eyes saw the card fall from her lap, it was his business card with his personal cell and address, there was hope. She read the remainder of the letter through eyes filled with tears, only these were happy tears. She had a chance; one chance and she wouldn't waste it.

"I've enclosed my cell phone number, remember I'm three hours behind you in time zones so given the bombshell you dropped on me, I think we do need to talk, but Kate, you have to be ready to convince me. I won't, make that can't go down that road you've led me far too many times. Think about what you want to say, more than that how you can prove it to me, then let's schedule a call.

"Again, I want to believe you, I truly do, but I also want my recently mended broken heart to stay in one piece, I think I've made myself more than clear about how I feel, now the ball is in your court. If you can't or won't meet those terms, then I won't hear from you, and I will wish you God Speed, go live your life in happiness as you can find it,

Rick,

She held the letter to her nose, breathed in just the faint smell of his cologne, and began to plan what, how, and where she needed to be to convince him, this Kate wasn't the bitch he had left in New York several months ago. She had one opportunity, so she began to think about what Rick would do if the roles were reversed, and then she started planning.

TBC

A/N Company is still visiting, next update as soon as I can, headed down the home stretch now, thanks for sticking with the story and me, Tim