Coming Out or Going In

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 26

JFK Airport

Two Days Later

/_/

Kate sat at the departure gate, suddenly all of the bravado that had filled her as she was making her plans suddenly went out the window. She had never thought about several possible even probable scenarios that could happen while executing her plan. It seemed once she completed reading Rick's letter, she saw the glimmer of hope, that was all she needed to proceed, knowing more of the same old Kate was never going to convince him of her professions of love.

She had called Commissioner Boyle, requested an emergency leave for three weeks, and once granted she had already had her flights, hotels, and car rental selected, just waiting confirmation. She was fortunate that with the health crisis, the airlines were almost crying for business, she was able to book a non-stop flight direct, for less than two hundred fifty dollars.

As she now sat in the departure lounge, the first seeds of doubt began creeping into her mind, she hadn't thought about what if he wouldn't see her, or allow her to explain, better yet show the new Kate to him. She weakened, but only for a moment, if she was going to be like Rick then damn it, she wouldn't take no for an answer, just like him.

She would keep showing up, hell she had three weeks and she wasn't about to let a little fear or doubt stop her, not this time, not ever again. She loved him and, damn it, she was going to be sure that he was going to believe her if she had to throw herself in front of his car to get to show him in person.

She smiled softly, recalling the time she came home late one night after a fight they had in the precinct to find him leaning against her door asleep. According to her elderly neighbor Mrs. Corley, he had been there for hours, still soaked from the earlier rainstorm they had. He wouldn't come in, he had waited all that time to tell her he was wrong and he was sorry, that was it, then he left.

It was a good thing he had because at that moment she saw that lovable little boy look, his damp hair drooping into his face, he was almost irresistible, God she had been an ass. Clutched tightly in her carry on was her daily journal, one that started as an assignment from Doctor Burke, but turned into her own therapy. It was a safe place to tell the world how she felt about a certain writer, Richard Castle, never worrying about being good enough for such a wealthy and powerful man.

She had written in it almost every day, some days on the very worst ones, there had been multiple entries. The tears that had splashed onto the ink had left a watermark from her soul on the stationary. She was open, honest, and direct, for the first time in her life, it was only a journal, but Kate knew how well Rick knew her, at least the old her. It was her proof, her body of evidence if you will that she had changed from the time she had lost him, and how she felt.

She was truly proud that for the first time in her life, SHE owned the results of her actions, good or bad. She didn't look to blame anyone when she screwed up, rather there were questions she had recorded to ask the doctor on how to avoid this mistake in the future and was her thoughts and feelings valid based on the facts.

She turned the pages and witnessed the transformation as the old Kate faded away. The first night that she accepted that it was her, and her alone that caused him to leave she started her playlist. The first song broke her heart, even today she shed tears as she read the lyrics and hummed the melody in her head,

Someone You Loved

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It's easy to say
But it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

She had recorded the song, which then had become the first of her crying music tape mix. She played it sometimes when she ran, sometimes when she cleaned, but mostly she played it on Fridays sitting at her small kitchen table staring at an empty Remy's milkshake container.

The hurt had gotten so bad when she learned Rick had left New York with Joy, she sometimes bought his shake, well the flavor he would have ordered if he were here knowing it would have to be tossed down the drain, just to look at it, talk to the empty chair, tell him how sorry she was, what a fool she had been, and how much she really loved him. She had been brave enough to record the day, night, time, even how many times she had thought of him each day, of each week, not that she had to keep score, it was 24 hours a day every day if she were honest.

Then her lowest point, she was running and started her walk to cool down, a young lady was to her right, and pulled out her earbud to her iPad to say hi. The music was so loud Kate heard the lyrics that were almost crippling, but somehow, she made it home and wrote in her journal.

"Dear Rick,

You'll never see this, and that's my fault. I never told you I loved you, hell I never told you anything that would give you a clue just how important you were and still am to me. I just heard part of a song, and the verse tore me apart, almost as if you were here speaking to me. I have to ask Rick, please forgive me, I know you will never see this, but I have to tell you, that I love you, I'll always love you, and ask for you to forgive me, anyway here's the song, I need to get a box of tissues,

Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight

Rick, it does, your love keeps me up every night. I keep trying to replay the stupid things I said, the even more stupid things I did, especially the lies, and God, I really am sorry. It's a little solace that I can at least write my feelings. I am hoping for the day I am strong enough to face you and tell you the truth, I'm sorry, but you can't chase me away, I'll love you, ALWAYS.

She turned the page as she dabbed her eyes, even now those words brought tears to her. She jolted herself back into real-time, realizing they were calling her flight, she hurried to the gate and proceeded down the ramp and into the plane. A nice-looking gentleman took her bag and placed it in the overhead before she even attempted to. She smiled shyly, almost guilty, her heart wasn't hers anymore, it was Ricks. She took her seat and after a kind and soft thank you, the gentleman just smiled and began to read his paper.

She had a little over six hours to plan this out, she had the road maps all printed out, the directions to the hotel recommended restaurants, and God Forbid she needed it but a list of attractions she could kill time with before she returned to New York if she totally choked and Rick kicked her out of his life forever.

Once again she retrieved her journal and turned the pages as she dabbed her eyes, even now those words brought tears to her. She had never heard the song before, but somehow the words went straight to her heart, almost as if Rick were singing them to her. She talked to Doctor Burke about it, and he had suggested she contact him, or attempt it, and tell him how she felt, BUT before that, she had to earn the trust enough for him to believe her. She closed her eyes and could hear the entire conversation in her mind,

"How the hell do I do that Dr. Burke, I mean it's a good theory you're throwing out but what do I do to accomplish it?" she had spit out a little bitterly,

"Well, for starters, you need to convince him that he means more to you than your job or anything here in New York. Kate, don't attempt this step until you are ready to leave everything, I mean everything behind here for Mr. Castle. The worst thing in the world you could do would be to convince him of your change, and your devotion and not be able to commit 100%. Are you ready for that?

"Imagine how you would feel, reverse roles if you can, Mr. Castle comes to you, admits his heart is yours, commits to doing anything to win your love, even swim the deepest oceans then closes by saying I'll be over tonight if it doesn't rain, you do see how hypocritical that is, don't you?"

She smiled, remembering how she had laughed, perhaps for the first time since she had started to see Dr. Burke, but he had been totally correct. She was ready, she knew it, now she needed to convince Rick to give her at least some time to show him. She was so afraid she would lose her courage, her thoughts and mumble the same old song to him, and lose the love of her life forever.

She opened the journal to the first pages she had left blank on purpose and paused as she thought; she had always hoped to be able to share her feelings with him, doubting that she ever would have the opportunity. She began to read the list of times he had shown her that he had loved her, without any response or return of her feelings on the inserted lose page.

She didn't feel right about sharing those moments with anyone before or if she ever had an opportunity with Rick to pour her heart out. It was as intimate to her as making love to him in her mind, which she had done so many nights, God she missed him, so much.

She loved him, but she gave in to what? Fear? Bullshit Kate, you're a fucking cop, you face murderers in dark alleys, what really was the reason? How or why would Rick believe that if even you don't yourself. She had some doubts that she would be enough, but other than that, she had no excuse other than she loved him and knew he deserved someone better, someone, not chasing ghosts.

The biggest problem with that was she never gave him the opportunity to make the decision for himself, she had made it for them both. She now knew that by doing so, she had caused so much heartache for herself, and Rick, she had to make it right, if he would take her, even on a trial basis.

She began to write in her journal,

"Dear Rick,

I'm writing to you from somewhere over Arizona, 43,000 feet altitude on my way to perhaps the biggest embarrassment of my life, or if I'm lucky the best day, it is yet to be determined. I have tried to tell you so many times before, I failed every time and pushed us even further apart.

"This is my attempt to tell you, to show you, to prove to you that the Kate Beckett you last saw is gone. I don't want to risk screwing this up, so if you will be so kind, please read this journal. It describes my feelings daily, well sometimes more but hopefully you can see the change in me by the writings each day.

"Doctor Burke, oh he's my psychologist, told me that I had changed from someone who needed someone to blame to finally an adult who accepted the consequences for my actions. I hope he's right Rick, I hope you can see the change he saw.

"I'll ask your forgiveness now, I never thought you would ever see what I wrote, so it may be raw in some pages, it may even anger you, and please I just ask you to keep reading. As Dr. Burke said, the change was and is a marathon, not a sprint, so there were days I did regress.

"I promise you that the one thing that was constant each and every day was my thoughts of you, I love you Rick, more than I ever thought possible. I know this is difficult for you, something I never gave you any sign of, and that's my biggest regret, I never said a word as you gave up on me, on us.

"I hope this will make up for that at least in some small part, it's a start and, well at least allow us to begin to start over. Test me, Rick, tell me what I need to do to be with you in any capacity, just test me, please? You said that one letter, one meeting wouldn't, couldn't erase the past, you're right, but tell me what you need from me, Please?

"I can't undo the past, some parts, hell most of my past with you if I'm honest, I am not very proud of, but I won't ask about yours, I have and never had any right to do so. That's just another inequality Doctor Burke called me on, he made me see that I indeed as you described in your letter of the double standards, I held for us. I understand it now Rick, I honestly do, and once again, please forgive me.

"I'm willing to put in the work on us, yes Rick US, I can only hope you find it in your heart at least some of the love you and all of New York except me witnessed and acknowledged. I saw it Rick, I just didn't acknowledge it, please forgive me. They just announced our flight would be landing in twenty minutes, God, I am so afraid you will send me away, if you do, then I'll go, but never forget I love you Rick,

Always

Kate, "

She started to put her journal away carefully when the song on her iPad came on, You Are the Reason,

I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason

Tears flooded her eyes as she pulled the journal out and added a PS.

PS.

"Rick, I did know you were musical, hell I know every fact your fan sight released about you. Would you listen to the song You are the Reason, please let me fix what I've broken, I love you. Kate,"

She once again put it away carefully and prepared to land. The kind gentleman across the aisle noticed the tears in her eyes after they landed and she reached for her bag.

"Allow me mam, it looks like you have someone on your mind, Good Luck" he said kindly as he placed her bag in front of her and walked away. As she deboarded the plane she saw him again with a young lady with a sign, she didn't want to stare, but she could make out, "I'm sorry, take me back" as she walked towards the exit.

The last she saw was the man kissing the young lady, and wiping her eyes with his hankie, so the Universe was telling her, things were going to be OK. When did she start believing in the Universe? That was and always will be Rick, yeah it was Rick, but he was so right. Now she breathed a quick prayer that the Universe, God, or Supreme Being would smile on her, even though she had no idea of what to expect.

She pulled her cell phone from her purse to arrange the ride to her rental car and noticed that she had a missed call and voice mail. What the hell? She had told everyone she wasn't to be called, Roz was acting Captain, and she wouldn't be reachable. As she played the message, she stopped cold in her tracks almost causing the group walking behind her to collide with her.

She quickly moved to an empty gate and sat down; she couldn't have heard the message correctly so she played it again.

"Hi Kate, it's Joy Park. I didn't call until I knew you would be in the air and your phone off, so please forgive me for being so forward. Oh, Roz and I talked, she told me you were coming out to meet with Rick, if he would agree, I'm sure he will.

"Please cancel your hotel and car, when you go to baggage claim, dial 477 and Rick's limo will bring you to our home, please, do this for me as much as for Rick. I need to talk to you before you approach Rick. He's visiting Alexis today so it will give us a chance to catch up before he returns tomorrow. I know it's a lot to ask, but please, I think you won't be disappointed. Thanks Kate, see you soon, hopefully" as the message ended.

Kate sat there in a daze for a moment, not sure if what she heard was real, she played it once again and yes it was a real message, she was still in a daze when she heard a familiar voice.

"Mam, are you OK? You don't look well; can we help you?" it was the kind gentleman from the airplane, with a young blond holding on to him for dear life.

"That's very kind, I'm fine, just a shocking voice mail I just received" Kate got out.

"He's always the gentleman, I love him so much because of his big heart" the young lady said,

"Yes, he was very kind on the flight, I'm fine now, but thank you both for stopping to check, I appreciate it," Kate said,

"If you're sure Mam, I mean we can walk with you till you meet your party if you wish?" he said,

"Oh no, he sent a car, well long story, but"

"I hope he has as big a heart as Phil has, I screwed up so badly, but he forgave me, and came home to me. I'm sure your man will take you back, Good Luck" the young lady tightened her grip on her man as they started to walk away, flashing a smile at her,

"Thanks, I hope so as well," Kate said softly as she regained her presence. "Good luck to you both, and remember, don't keep score, once you forgive, forget it, and thanks again." As they walked away.

Kate made her way to baggage claim, found the limo phone, and dialed 477 as instructed. The phone rang once,

"Miss. Beckett, I'm David and I will be around to drive you to the Castle in four minutes, please stand outside in aisle 5."

Kate made her way out to the marked spots, and had just reached her spot when a young man pulled around and stopped his limo, "Miss Beckett? I'm David" he said as he assisted her into the car and place her luggage in the trunk. "We should be at Mr. Castle's in approximately 35 minutes, please help yourself to anything in the bar or refreshment cabinet."

Kate glanced over the refrigerator was stocked with all types of sandwiches, beers, liquors, almost like a deli, she retrieved a bottle of cold water and started to slip slowly. She watched as David turned on to a freeway and then about 15 minutes later took the exit and began the drive on Benedict Canyon Road.

She gasped at the size and beauty of the homes they passed, the further they went the more luxurious the homes were. She thought they had pulled off onto another road, but David used what appeared to be a garage opener, to open two huge gates, then he repeated it twice more before pulling on to another road.

She thought it was a road, but as he circled under the garage area of what appeared to be a huge luxury apartment building until she realized that they had stopped. David was around to open her door and retrieved her luggage.

"Is this one house David?" Kate asked, still looking around.

"Hi Kate, yes it's one house, now you know why I asked you to stay here with us. It's bigger than any hotel you will stay at, and well, this is important for all of us. I hope you remember me" Joy said as she extended her hand.

"I remember you Joy, thank you for your hospitality but are you sure Rick's going to be OK with this, I mean I'm sure I shocked the hell out of him with my letter, and now just showing up, I hope he doesn't get angry." Kate said with fear in her voice, as she shook the young beautiful lady's hand.

"Kate, he won't be angry, if anything this is the best thing you could do to prove to the big lug what every other living person in New York already knows, you love each other. We do need to talk before he gets home, but you look exhausted come on let's get you settled in. "Joy said,

XxX

Kate awoke a few hours later, still in shock at the magnificent home. Her room was bigger than two of her apartments in New York. She finally made her way to the sitting area where Joy was reading a book,

"How are you feeling Kate?" Joy asked,

"Much better, I didn't realize I was that tired, I mean all I did was sit in an airplane." She laughed

"Well, grab a drink, we need to talk," Joy said as fear filled Kate's very soul.

TBC

A/N Updates still will be sporadic, thanks for the kind notes and words, greatly appreciated. Tim