Coming Out or Going In

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 29

Wallingford Dr,

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Saturday, 6:00 AM

/_/

Kate had talked to Rick briefly for the last three days, but he was in the middle of a big negotiation, and spent two days three hours away near San Francisco, driving home each night late. He had been cordial, kind even but not enough to let her know if he had taken, or made time to read her journal. She had spent one full day with Kevin and Jenny, who both were encouraging. They toured around and saw the sights, had lunch and dinner, and caught up on old times.

FLASHBACK TO PREVIOUS DAY

She had also spent a full day with Joy, girl stuff, lunch, shopping, and Joy talking to her about some of Rick's most trying times. She asked her to be patient, and even told her about his heart attack, although Kate acted shocked to cover Jenny. Joy told a graver tale than Jenny had told, Rick had almost died in the ambulance and was in Intensive Care for over two weeks before finally beginning to come around.

Joy confessed he had called her name often, in his sleep, or medicated dreams, for the first few days, they kept him heavily sedated. Alexis had been by his side along with Joy, and that's when they talked about Kate. Alexis was still very hurt, although she had lost most of the anger, Joy had told her, she had to let her Dad love his choice, especially now that she was practically engaged, and would be living her own life soon.

"Kate, I think if you reached out to her, tell her what you're doing and WHY she would forget the hurt sooner, I mean we all know it took a lot of courage to come out here not knowing if you were going to get the door slammed in your face. If you'd like I'll ask her to call you, just to talk. We both know, without her blessing, there is nothing Rick will ever do, it's sad but true."

"I know Joy, and I was reluctant to ask you, I mean you've done so much to help me already, I still feel like I owe you so very much," Kate said softly, looking out the window of the restaurant remembering better days, better memories.

"All you owe me is to love and take care of him, tell Alexis that, tell her what you told him, to test you, ask you to do something because you weren't backing down. Kevin and Jenny will be leaving Saturday early, so Alexis is usually home from classes by 6:00, so can she call you tonight around 7:00 PM? That way you could talk without Rick hearing or even knowing. He's wrapping up his meetings and should be home by tomorrow noon, so hopefully, you two can take some time and talk, really talk." Joy said,

"That would be great Joy, Rick will be home around noon you said? Maybe we can start to talk, I mean there's a lot to discuss,"

"Kate, when I told you not to be his doormat, I meant it. If you want something out of the relationship he's not giving, ask for it gently, demands will only put you deeper in trouble. If you ask, he will move heaven and earth to make you happy, so stick to YOUR needs as well. He'll respect you a lot more than just becoming his floor mat, even as kind as he is, he still has his days when I want to just kick his ass." She laughed

"I remember those days, but even then, I still loved him, he just drove me crazy some days," Kate said,

"That will never change, it's Rick, his nature is to take care of everyone, so Kate, let him. Don't be the cop, be the woman he needs when you're together. It'll take time for you both, but as much love there is, well, it's a good thing I'm flying back to New York with the Ryan's on Saturday, who knows what will happen," she winked?

"Wait, you're leaving me alone with Rick? I'm talking to Alexis tonight then you're just going to leave me? What if he's not ready, I mean"

"Kate, you've given him some time, it's time you push gently, no demands but let him know, you won't be here forever and you need to know if there is a future or should you return to New York and start to do as he did, try to repair a broken heart." Joy said, "Trust me, he loves you, it will drive home how lonely he will be if it's just you and he stays so stubborn he won't forgive you.

"This is a beautiful home, but it's lonely, far too lonely for Rick to be able to cope with alone. He loves you, what is holding him back is fear, you have to take away that fear and you don't need an audience for that, if you know what I mean" Joy closed with a wicked smile and walked away,

XxX

Saturday Morning

5:00 AM

Kate was quietly talking to Jenny, who was wiping her eyes, and then finally the two embraced in a long hug. Then she spoke to Kevin, the young Irishman had always had the soft heart, and he was wiping a few tears as well when he finally gave her one last hug, kissed her on the cheek, and turned to take Jenny's hand.

Joy hugged her, and then they started with their luggage to the garage area, where Rick would say his goodbyes, he allowed Kate some private time with them realizing how awkward things appeared to everyone.

Kate stood looking out the window, not sure what to expect, it had been three days, as Joy said, she might need to let Rick know that she loved him, but just as he had a breaking point so did, she. She had only asked to talk, not a commitment, not an apology, nothing, just an opportunity to talk. She hadn't even made excuses for her behavior, she had owned it, so where they went from there, well, only heaven knew. She would find out soon she expected, and the thought scared her,

She heard a noise behind her, then Rick's voice,

"Kate, care to join me, I know it was far too early for a full breakfast," he said in a kind tone,

She turned to see her mug, with a bear claw, steam still coming off of it, placed directly across from him at the table.

"Thanks, Rick, this is thoughtful, I mean, you remembered" as she took a sip of her coffee, made just the way she loved it,

"Kate, when it comes to us, there's not much I've forgotten, I guess that's good and bad. I'm sorry to hold on so long, especially well you've laid your heart out to me in your journal. I saw the moment your emotions changed from anger to guilt to loneliness, I'm sorry I made it so hard on you the last few days but I did have the deal to close on, I swear." He said softly,

"I know Rick, I trust you, it wasn't you who lied, that was the old me. I spoke to Alexis, just so you know, and apologized for hurting her by hurting you, she accepted it and told me to just keep doing what I've been doing, loving you. She's quite the lady Rick, you did a great job raising her" Kate said gently,

Rick's eyes mist for a moment, "Yes, she is, thank you, you know she's practically engaged now, it won't be long she won't need the old man" he said sadly,

"Rick, girls never outgrow their need for their Dads, trust me, I know that for a fact and I was nowhere near as close as you and Alexis are." She confessed,

"Well, I hope so, I mean" his voice trails off, and just for a moment, they were back to the times when he asked her advice about boyfriends, including running a background check on one. She smiled gently, and waited,

"I know what you're thinking, but I still was right he could have been a mass murder, a Jerry Tyson junior, and all it would have taken was a few checks" he was still obsessed,

"Rick, you know you're being far too protective, don't you? Look she loves you, she always has, but baby bird has grown up, time for her to spread her wings and fly, just be there to catch her when she falls." She said gently,

"Yeah, I guess you're right, but she's all I've ever had in my life that was consistent, my one ray of light that got me through the dark times, what do I do now?" He asked, tears in his voice,

"You believe in her, and you find someone you can share the dark days with, someone who loves you for you, not for what you have, or the size of your bank account," She said firmly,

"So, I guess, we need to talk, would you like to finish your bear claw, and I'll freshen your coffee, then I guess it's time to lay this out in the open, for us both." He said as Kate felt the fear send a shiver up her spine,

"Well, you know Rick I have come a long way, I haven't asked for anything, except a chance to explain, and ask forgiveness, through my journal, and I'm willing to go through any issue, or entry you have a question or doubt about.

"All I ask is that once we complete this, you will tell me, is it time for me to move on, or do you want to fight for us, I know what I want. I guess the ball is in your court this time." She said as she bowed her head, the coffee was placed in front of her, as Rick took the seat across from her.

"OK, then let's talk. Kate, I'm going to say this right now, I'm going to try to let go of the hurt, the anger, but there may be times,"

"Hey, it's OK, I understand, I really do." She said softly,

"OK, who goes first, I mean how do we even do this, the only communication we have ever had is through letters, I can't remember once when we haven't disguised our intentions with subtext., so," Rick said,

"You're right Rick, absolutely. How about I say something, you tell me how you feel, we discuss what we could have done differently, and how do we, or if we can move past it?" Kate asked,

"Sounds good, where did you arrive at this approach Kate?" Rick asked at how productive a suggestion she had made,

"Oh, it's not my process Rick, my therapist Doctor Burke came up with it when I seemed to fight him on every statement, every thought, or observation, it was either this or lose him as a doctor and my job with NYPD." She admitted,

"Well, thanks for sharing that, I mean I"

"You're surprised that I'm talking about therapy and giving the rightful owner the credit for something Rick. I know, believe me, I know my shortcomings from the past and I've worked hard, to prove to you, that I deserve not forgiveness, but at least a chance to work my way back, that is if you still feel that it's worth it." She lowered her head once again,

"Well, do you think I would have taken the time to read your journal, some parts multiple times, to make notes that I wanted to ask you about IF I didn't think this, you were worth the effort Kate?

"I'm sorry Rick, I guess I have fought so long to keep my hopes down, that, well I guess I'm just surprised you are here, rather I am here. 9 months ago, we both know I would have been taking a totally different approach, blaming everyone but myself, so thank you."

"Well, before we get too far ahead, let's begin, shall we? First, you were right to be on your guard when I first showed up, even if it was by request to assist you with your cases. We didn't get off to the best start, for my part in that, I apologize.

"I thought you were attractive, but I quickly got turned off by your rudeness to the team and others. I tried to stay away but I guess I was attracted to you and kept showing up, making your life miserable, cramping your style.

"When I finally found out your driving force, the loss of your Mom I could understand your motivation for the drive, and I saw it was that drive that made you act the way you did." Rick began softly, then paused,

"I agree, I used a personal tragedy to drive me towards my goal, I also used it as the crutch to blame everyone else, after all, I was the damaged party, at least in my mind. It took me going back to the Academy to understand that we all have burdens we carry every day, none of which is an excuse to act in the manner I did. It's late but I do apologize, Rick, I'm truly sorry for the way I treated and allowed others to treat you." Kate said sincerely,

"Apology accepted, and I apologize for the days I proved to be the ASS you thought I was, I guess I was trying to impress someone, something I hadn't had to do since my first book was published. I reverted back to High School activities, so I'm sorry as well" he replied, Kate blushed with the thought that Rick was trying to impress her,

"Well, I wrote it, so now's the time to say it, by the time of the Candela case I was already in love with you, I know, believe me, I know my actions said anything but. It scared the hell out of me, and I guess I did something that Joy corrected me on when I first arrived.

"I didn't give you the chance to make a decision or choice, I just assumed my answer worked for us both. I have lived with that stupidity since that day, and I'm sorry, sorry for the hurt I caused, as well as felt." Tears pooled in her eyes, but she fought them back, she wasn't going to cry, at least not yet.

"The Candela case? Kate, I think your timeline is a bit off on the facts. I remember every minute of that case and the moment I recall the most vivid was I walked in on you and Sorensen kissing; I mean"

"Stop Rick, what you walked in on was him trying to kiss me, I turned my head he only got the corner of my lips and mostly my cheek, I should have stopped that illusion but I was a coward. He wanted to get back together, I told him no four times before he finally got the message.

"During the stakeout, the one where you texted are you two making out, I could have killed you by the way, but no, we were talking about how much you, your books had always meant to me. We talked about the time I got in trouble when I was a Uniform Patrolman for standing in line for two hours to get your signature on a Storm book. Finally, we talked about how I got through my Mom's death with your books, so yes, I loved you then Rick, I knew it, I just couldn't say it." She shed a single tear before looking up at a very visibly shaken Rick.

"Why Kate? Why couldn't you talk to me? Did I do something, say something to prevent you from opening your heart to me?" Rick finally asked, and as soon as he said it, he knew the answer or part of it,

"Kate? This isn't going to work if you don't tell me, good, bad, or embarrassing, I mean that's part of life" Rick tried to coax her,

She cleared her voice three times, "Well, I was jealous and angry at you. I mean it hadn't been a week since Meredith had blown into town, and really Rick, telling everyone you had sex with your ex-wife, that hurt, it hurt and pissed me off, so I couldn't tell you. At that time, I thought I would be another notch on the bedpost, and forgotten before you could wash my perfume from your body. It's stupid, I mean but it's the truth." She said,

Rick took a deep breath and looked into her eyes, the first time he had locked on her since they had been reunited days ago. "This may not make sense to you, I don't expect it to, but Meredith loved sex, almost as much as she did being in the spotlight. She had made so many promises to Alexis to show up for this play, or a recital, only to be a no show. I finally figured it out that if her visit for Alexis also included a romp in the sack, she showed up almost 90% of the time.

"Don't get me wrong, I won't say that it was a chore, I mean I was married to her Kate, and I did love her for giving me the greatest gift of my life, Alexis. Yes, it may have satisfied her itch, but if you really knew how long it had been for me between partners, well you wouldn't believe it anyway.

"You started to read about all of my exploits, and never asked, or researched at all, you would have found that they were totally made up for publicity. I think the shock of that morning, my feelings for you and you're going to laugh at this, my feeling of cheating on you upset me so I told the boys. I never realized you would be right behind them." He finished softly, this time it was Kate who looked shocked.

"You felt as if you cheated on me, Rick? Why? We hadn't even held hands, hell we, no make that I probably hadn't even said more than ten kind words to you. I mean, I never thought you could feel what I felt, I mean I was just a cop, nothing special, hell you had models, actresses, your choice of women, how could I compete?" Kate asked,

"Kate, did you ever check to see why both my marriages failed? I'm betting you didn't, as he watched her drop her head in shame, you see everyone thinks that it was me who had the affairs, public record, you don't even have to be a cop to see them tell the true story.

"You say I had my choice from all the models, actresses, and other eye candy that was on my arm, did it ever occur to you that I didn't want someone who was with me because they were being paid, or it would open doors for their careers? I wanted then as I do now, what the heart wants, someone who cares about me, my needs, my feelings and is willing to work with me as a partner, not an adversary.

"I've been subjected to so many lines, women aren't the only ones who get hit on, that I can tell you almost in an instant who is sincere, and who sees nothing but dollar signs. When I met you, the only thing you had on your mind was solving the case, you didn't give a damn about my supposed celebrity status.

"That was refreshing, but it was also a challenge, especially when you told me almost every day that I wouldn't understand, it's a cop thing, or well" he stopped, but Kate knew he was headed towards deeper waters and her insults and activities, she hung her head.

"Rick, you're right, I am guilty of assuming you were the one cheating, and I'm sorry. That makes me not only a lousy human, it also means I sucked at being a detective and finding out the truth based on the evidence. I can understand about Meredith, I'm not thrilled about you sharing a bed with your ex-wife for sex only, but I do understand that you would do anything to keep Alexis happy.

"You're right Meredith isn't ugly, she's quite attractive in some ways, and I can see how sex between you two would almost seem normal, at least in her eyes. Thank you for the honesty, making love to her would never be a chore, Rick, not even for you. She still turns heads, so it's easy to see how you could enjoy the best of a situation not ideal.

"That's part of what Doctor Burke and I worked on, the double set of standards I kept for your and my private life. He showed me what a hypocrite I was being, Sorensen, although not real in my life, it was in your perception. I got angry with you about Meredith, then actually challenged you to fuck Ellie Monroe, a challenge I hoped you wouldn't go through with.

"I see now that it was my fault you slept with her. Hell, you asked me permission, who does that to someone he doesn't care about? The good Doctor let me have it about that. He asked me if I was blind or stupid, that you were begging for some confirmation that I didn't want to share you with another woman, but I told you just the opposite, I'm so sorry Rick. Sorry that I blamed you for something I caused, and then the anger you paid for dearly, "

"Well, if you're referring to the Demming Debacle, I think I need to take a break Kate, I'm not ready to hear about him or your not so secret trip to Los Angeles and Royce, I'll be back but I need some quiet time now to think about things we both said,

"Rick, I understand. PLEASE, believe me, I do love you with all my heart, so as you think about those things, just remember that, please? I know you've been hurt more by me than any of your previous relationships combined, but I'm here Rick, fighting for a chance, just a chance, OK?"

"I'll see you in a few hours," he said softly as he walked out the door,

Kate fought her tears until the door closed, then she ran to her room and threw herself across the bed in tears,

TBC