Coming Out or Going In

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle was lent out to Robbery temporarily to work cold cases while Demming is on suspension. Lead Detective Joy Park, a woman with a big secret causes friction between our couple. COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 30

Wallingford Dr,

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Saturday, 9:15 AM

/_/

Kate had cried for about an hour then decided she had to be strong, she needed to get through the entire journal and they had only begun. Doctor Burke had warned her, Rick may not be able to relive some of the events, without some time, and patience.

She found herself outside on the guest patio, watching the clouds blow across the majestic mountain range that was in his back yard. She had taken a cup of coffee from the pot in the sitting room, and her new journal, yes, she started recording the events since she had handed Rick the original.

Today's entry had several lines,

"Said goodbye to Kevin and Jenny, I promised to be a better friend and to call them when things settled down, well when Rick decided which direction we are going if any. The truth is, I will do anything, go anywhere he wants, I just want him. IF ONLY I had told him on so many occasions.

"Joy snuck a trip in on me to allow Rick and I to have total privacy, she knows that this is it, either I leave here as his love, or I leave to try to rebuild a heart that will be in so many pieces I don't know if I will even make it home. It's ironic, the man I did so much to chase away now controls my entire future, I love him, I just hope he can see how much."

XxX

"Well, Rick and I began the conversation, and it's even more painful than I imagined, seeing the hurt on his face as we talk, knowing it's because of me, I feel so awful. This is worse than finding Maddy screwing Brent Edwards on my birthday, it's even worse than the day Mom was murdered. I don't know what I will do if he won't give me a chance, I have to convince him, I have to.

"We got to the point where I lied, and well, he had to take a break, at least I hope it's only a break. I know he's hurt, it's all over his face, his eyes look so shallow, I never want to cause him that pain again. I hope, no I pray he will continue, he has to,"

She was running her fingers over the book, not knowing where Rick went or how long he would be gone, staring out at the mountains when she saw a shadow, then a bottle of water was placed in front of her, she jumped as she heard his voice.

"I'm sorry, that was a lot to hear and well, you deserve for me to listen to you with an open mind, free of the hate, hurt, and baggage I've been carrying without knowing your side of the story. I told you I would listen, and I will, but sometimes, I will need to walk away.

"Kate, you almost broke me, totally, something no other person in this world had never even come close to. I'm sorry, but that pain is a lot to get over, I'm trying, I truly am, but it won't be overnight. I hope you understand, this isn't to punish you, but more to protect my heart, I guess it's me who has built the walls this time.

"Rick, I understand, I really do, please promise me one thing, please?"

"What do you want me to promise?" he asked his voice full of caution,

"Just that you tell me you need a break, and no matter how long it takes, come back to talk to me, please. That's all I ask, I know how much hurt I have caused, well I think I know but you're the one that has been hurt, tell me, Rick, please.

"This conversation is going to be hard, for both of us, but I'm trying to show you, I acknowledge every fuck up, every cross word, every missed opportunity to tell you that I love you, and every opportunity to show you, that would have counted far more than words, I'm sure." She said with a pleading tone in her voice Rick had never heard before,

"OK, I'll tell you when I need a break, and just because we talk about it, all is not right. I just can't sweep some of the things under the rug and pretend they never happened. Those will come back to bite us both, in the future one of us will resent something, and resentment leads to heartache. I know this is difficult for you, but I'm really not in a hurry to be vulnerable again, at least so far. You may change my mind, but remember, there's a lot of obstacles, for us both." Rick said in a solemn tone,

"I understand Rick, I know that's a nice way of telling me, I have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt you would be safe with me, in any kind of relationship, friends, or something deeper. I talked to Doctor Burke about that, and he warned me, you might need more time. I took three weeks off Rick, hoping it was enough time, BUT, if you need more, well I'll be here waiting, I promise you."

He looked up, tears were in his eyes as he got right back into things,

"Why Lie Kate? Why did you think you needed to lie to me, about the apartment when you moved to Lanie's? About having to work when all I wanted to do was take you to the Hamptons to talk as friends, you have to admit that Espo and Ryan made it a point to interrupt, especially Espo.

"There were other lies, smaller, but I thought it was just part of you trying to keep your private life private, so I just dismissed them. His voice conveyed the sadness

"OK, you read my journal, did the answer not satisfy you, or do you want to hear it word for word. If you recall, I was ordered to stay at your place, not that it wasn't what I wanted, but the old Kate hated being told what she had to do.

"I know you went out of your way, my Dad's watch, the shampoo and toiletry products that were in my bathroom, you staying clear of any calls I took, you would suddenly go to your office, almost like I was talking to a boyfriend that I didn't want you to know about. Why Rick?" Kate said softly,

"Tell me you didn't talk to a gentleman named Keith or was that a name I pulled out of the air? He came to see you at the loft, Eduardo stopped him and called me, but you were out so he sent him away. I guess he was your date for the last few weeks before the bombing.

"I had no right to poke my nose into your personal business, did it hurt? Hell yes, some of those dates were when you turned down invitations from me to grab a burger or see a show, just as friends. I chalked it up that you were keeping your private life, well, your business not mine" He said, hurt dripping from his voice

Kate blushed, almost afraid he had caught her in another lie, then she remembered,

"Rick, with my history, I'm asking you to believe me, I met Keith at One PP, he's a cop out of the 18th, and yes he invited me out a few times. I dated him twice, the night you were on that show with Ellie Monroe, and the night after I asked and you admitted to sleeping with her, and no Rick, before you ask, I didn't fuck him, not even close." She said with a little steam, still showing jealousy over the actress.

"He heard about the bombing and somehow found out where I was staying, so he wanted to stop by and see if I was OK. He left me voicemails I never listened to for over a week, and by then it was too late, I would have told him, thanks but no thanks, don't come by.

"I know how that sounds to you, I would be thinking the same thing with my history, but it's the truth. I can provide you with the restaurants we went to, and the dates if you want to pull the security footage, Rick. My building will be more than happy to show you security tapes showing that I said goodnight to him downstairs, he never came up. It never went past one goodnight kiss Rick, I'm sorry if you thought otherwise. She said quietly

"Well when you moved to Lanie's when I was on the last weekend of the book tour, I thought, you wanted your privacy so you and Keith could carry on. Then I heard from Lanie that despite you telling us you were close to an apartment; another lie, you were getting desperate.

"Lanie told me that you saw one that was perfect but the price was $1200 more than your budget. That's when I had the real estate division buy the building and reduce the rent for one applicant. I'm not sure how they told you, but I ordered my name to stay out of it, I knew how you felt about taking help, especially from me." Rick said softly,

"Rick it wasn't just from you, I'm so sorry you felt that way. I've been on my own since I was 19 and to find myself in that situation because of a mad man, well it was hard to take. I knew Lanie would allow me to stay there, and well not pamper me the way you and your family did. I started to love it too much, and I was really afraid if I didn't leave soon, I never would. I loved you, so very much but well," she got out,

"OK, Ellie, I know but we've talked about that. Kate, I asked, I was almost pleading with you to say something, do anything," He said gently,

"I know, it's on me, I screwed up, all I had to do was just tell you please don't and she wouldn't have gotten the time of day from you, I'm so sorry. Once again, I made you the bad guy and me the victim, because you did what any man would do with an attractive woman.

"I could have stopped it, I was so stupid, and it had nothing to do with any other man, especially Keith. I deserved what I got from that, but unfortunately, I hurt you, something I never wanted to do. I thought a Hollywood actress had it all over me, I mean I'm just a cop, what could"

"You didn't have to do anything, you had everything I ever wanted if you only would have allowed me the chance to show you. I guess now, roles are reversed, and you're asking for that same chance that I did," his voice trailed,

"Rick please, don't please. Tell me what you need me to do, anything you name it, all I want is the chance to finish this conversation, a chance to prove to you I love you." Kate was almost in tears,

"Kate, I'm not going to hurt you, not if I can help it, but we still need to talk about Deming, that is the one that perhaps hurt me more than Kyra. It wasn't that you chose him over me, hell he's a good-looking guy, he's a cop, knew your inside buzz words, none of that hurt.

"What hurt me was you deliberately rubbed him in my face, kissing in the stairwell almost on cue when I walked by and it was you initiating the PDA. You allowed him and Esposito to mock me, your partner, or at least I thought I was by then. I could never figure out why you wanted to hurt me, what I had done to cause you to issue such hurtful treatment"

Kate's eyes filled with tears, "I heard you, I heard you tell Deming there was nothing between us, and I know, I know officially there wasn't, but why did you give him a green light? I think you even said, no, nothing between Beckett and me, no flag on the play meaning for him to pursue me. Then you went to lunch with Roz and Anne, and I got jealous. Yes, it was stupid, yes it was my fault, yes, I acted like a kid in high school, I saw all that later.

"One thing you don't know Rick, the day of your going away party I had broken up with Tom right before coming into the room and asking to talk to you. We stepped outside, and imagine my surprise when Gina showed up, took your arm, marking her turf, and I had to stand there and ask weakly if I would see you in the fall.

"You didn't know but I cried myself to sleep the entire summer, and yes I deserved it, but I didn't learn a damn thing. I was hurt and angry at you when you did come back, by the way, not one text, not one call, and I waited, God how I waited to hear your ringtone. You see Rick, I paid penitence for my stupidity,

"So that's why everyone acted like I was the plague when I came back, they thought I dumped you for Gina? You didn't correct them, Kate? Another lie and I'll confess this when Kevin took a shot at me, I almost returned fire, making Jenny a young widow.

"I'm glad I didn't but even I have my limits, and well once again Castle was the kicking can because of you. HOW MUCH do you think I or any man will or can take Kate? We haven't even gotten to the trips down memory lane with Royce, both in New York and your not so secret hookup with him in LA." Kate could see the hurt, anger, and disappointment in his face.

"Rick," she started,

"I think I need a break, I need to do some thinking," Rick said softly, his eyes showing deep sadness,

"Rick why don't we go somewhere for lunch, not talk about this, but I would like to be with you, I mean,"

"Kate, I lost my appetite with the words Royce came out of my mouth," as he turned, went into the garage and mounted a trail bike and he was gone once again,

Kate's first reaction was to grab a bike and chase after him, then she heard Joy's words come into her head, don't force him, ask him and he'll move heaven and earth for you.

She turned and went into the house, found the kitchen made herself a sandwich and bowl of soup, all the while thinking about the lines she had written in her journal. She was truthful, but she also knew her words would be hurtful. She thought back to the passage about Royce, she had almost memorized the entire journal by now.

She clung to the hope that Rick had returned once, she was praying he would come back and be ready to talk about her journal some more. She closed her eyes and remembered word for word what she had written,

GLIMPSES FROM THE JOURNAL KATE HAD GIVEN RICK

I made a mistake today, a huge mistake, and I don't know how or if I will ever be able to make it right. Mike Royce, my TO, yes, the same man I was in love with for three years, well, we went to lunch. I saw the look on Rick's face, especially after he knew I overheard him break up with Gina earlier this week. I don't know what made me do it, jealous of Gina, or was I still in love with Mike, anyway, we came back to my apartment and had sex.

It wasn't love, not on his part, and to me, it was a huge disappointment, I thought he cared about me more than he showed. He was as bad if not worse than Sorensen, ten-minute wonder Mr. FBI, not that I'm any prize but why didn't I just say no, I had to indulge him a second opportunity to make it right, he failed miserably, it was even worse the second time.

I couldn't get the look Rick gave me as we went to lunch, almost like he knew what I was about to do, I'm sure he's had women throw themselves at him enough to know that this was my fault. Mike, well he never said he loved me, cared, Hell, after two sessions and all these years he cared.

I got my answer about any future with him, but now how do I make this right with Rick, what the hell am I talking about, we aren't even a couple. Why do I feel so guilty, like I cheated on him? Because I did what I accused him of, is that it? One thing I do know is I hurt Rick and I have to make it up to him if I can.

Then two weeks later, her entry read,

"Tried talking to Rick, to tell him I was sorry, he left for a personal engagement the day Royce and I went to lunch, and never returned any of my calls or texts. What the hell did you expect Kate, he isn't stupid, he knew what you did. What would you do if it were you? Hell, you know you went ape shit when the actress and he got it on, then were jealous of a married female FBI agent, Jordan Shaw for God's sake. I hope he comes back soon; I know I hurt him, tried calling again, his voice mail was full, sent another text, God I was such a fool.

One Month Later,

"God damn it when am I going to learn, Royce called said he was in trouble needed my help, I like a fool, took three vacation days and flew out to LA, he was being evicted and needed someone to co-sign a lease, what a fucking waste of time.

"Now Rick, who just started talking to me again, thinks I flew out here for a sex romp, why wouldn't he, I screwed up. At least Royce won't call me again, that's out of my system, I was a fool, I should be treating Rick the way he treats all of us, not hurting him like this.

"Dr. Burke told me to prepare myself for the loss of Rick, no he can't be right, his words painted out a bleak picture, Kate, no man is going to stick around forever, not when you're out with men in two cities. Mr. Castle can have his choice of women, prepare yourself, he may be seeking company elsewhere and if he does, DON'T confront him, you have one deep hole to dig out of now,

The Next Day

I'm home but I can't face them at the precinct, I'm taking the bike to Dad's cabin, maybe I can think of a way to talk to Rick, every time we get close God Damn Esposito pokes his nose in, I have to talk to him before it's too late if it's not already. The bike and I need to blow off some dust, it'll be good, Rick's out of town they tell me, so I need to figure out how to fix us.,

The Following Week

It's strange no Rick, no one's heard from him, he won't answer my calls or texts. I tried calling Paula, she told me to talk to Rick, she's not getting yelled at again, whatever that means. I even had Ryan try, the call went to voice mail, he must be on a book tour that we didn't know about, I'm hoping that's what it is. Doctor Burke as much as told me to protect myself, he thinks he's moved on from the precinct, well from me. I yelled that he was wrong, he gave me that look, and asked, Am I, Kate? Why won't he answer anyone's calls from the precinct? Unless he's injured, there is no other logical explanation.

Injured, that's what it was, he was hurt or sick, she had to check on him. ***** That was another case of me making a fool of myself, Alexis telling me he's fine, and Martha just saying not to worry about him, he's with friends, ouch that hurt. I could tell neither of the Reds wanted me there, I just wish Rick would come back, we have to talk, even if I have to lock the damn door of the conference room,

Three Days Later

Why did he pick that text to respond to, well show up, if she knew he was with Miss. United of the year she wouldn't have intruded? Jacinda, who the hell names their kid that name, it sounded like a stripper, Oh God, maybe she wasn't a flight attendant after all, Why the hell would Rick give her his car? He just met her? What the hell, oh god he had been in Vegas, he looked terrible, well he looked great just like he had either been up, or God Damn it Kate stop thinking, stop it. She'll blow over they all do, then you can make it right,

One Week Later,

Something was wrong, Rick was barely at the precinct, and when he was, he acted as if he couldn't care, he left for a lunch date with Miss Jacinda, hell was it really just lunch, well if he wanted to pay me back he's doing a great job, but it is my fault. I mean, I need to talk to him.

PRESENT TIME

What Kate didn't know was Rick was around the corner at the park, reading the same passages that she was reviewing from memory, and one thing was clear to them both, this was a mess, but what to do about it.

Rick biked home, put the bike away, and retreated to his room, she heard the shower going, from her room trying to write him or herself her thoughts. She at first thought that if things were in writing, things would be better understood, but she failed to realize that hurtful deeds can't be written, kissed, or talked away. It took dedication to forgive someone, and right now she knew she wasn't in the best of places with Rick,

TBC