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Chapter Fifty Six: Wretched Recovery.
Over the following weeks, Jake came around most days, carrying excuses to take windy walks and huddle on our favourite driftwood down on First Beach; and when Emily reminded him of our education, textbooks and warm sodas in a brown paper bag accompanied him. It was a simple respite from the storm in my mind that I craved when the darkness would draw in after he was gone. With Jacob, it was easy and simple, uncomplicated. My oldest friend had returned fully into my life just when I needed him, just as he always seems to be there when I need him, and it made my tattered heart feel almost lighter, as if he could really help me shoulder my heartache. Slowly, Jake extracted smiles and even quiet laughter from my lips, making colour return to my cheeks and my fingertips to defrost.
Shuffling down the gravel path, I found myself smiling. It made me pause. While Jake had managed to make my lips widen in odd smiles that never failed to take me by surprise by its presence, I couldn't find the energy to keep up that appearance alone. My mind felt to desolate and dark to create such a thing by its self any more. It was the first time in months since I felt I could smile without someone else there to encourage it. It felt nice to smile for my own sake, not someone else's. Although my chest ached hollowly, causing me to wrap my arms around my ribs, I forced myself to keep the corners of my lips upturned and clutch the brief flicker of shining emotion in my mind, wanting to prolong its presence.
As I reached the end of our rough path and stepped onto the wooden porch, I could smell the spices coming from the open kitchen window promising Emily's homemade chilli for dinner. My smile was fading and I began reciting Emily's chilli recipe in my head to keep my mind at bay. My hand reached for the doorknob, just as Sam's voice broke the whistle of the December wind, causing me to pause and listen.
"It's not safe." Sam said solemnly, "He must be getting close now. What if he phases with her close by?"
"Sam, you need to stop this." Emily sighed in response, "It will be fine. She's just as much in danger here as she is with him."
"He could phase at any point. If she was standing too close…"
"Please, Sam, you need to stop." She insisted, "You're only upsetting yourself."
"He would be a newly turned wolf; you know how volatile those early days are." He growled back, "He is a risk to her safety."
"And having a vampire boyfriend wasn't?" Emily pointed out in exasperation. The ache in my chest flared with cold agony, causing me to clutch my heart, as if I could stop the pain simply by putting pressure against it, but I couldn't stop myself from continuing to listen.
"I couldn't do anything about that, the treaty between us forbid me from doing anything, but I can protect her from this. She's been through enough already." A glass was slammed too heavily onto the countertop, startling me slightly.
"Sam, you can't protect her from this. This is the world we live in." Sighing, Emily clattered about in a cupboard, seemingly searching for something, "She's safer in our world just as much as she's at risk. We just have to be vigilant. Bella knows the signs. She knows the risks of getting too close to new phasers. It will be fine, but you need to get it out of your head that you need to protect her by stopping her seeing Jacob. Jacob has been so good to her. She's smiling now and she's no longer staring at your feet when you talk to her. She's making progress with Jacob, we can't jeopardise that."
"I just want to protect her." Sam admitted after a quiet minute, "I wish she had never gotten mixed up in this."
"You know you don't mean that, Sam, because that would mean she would never have been your sister. It also wouldn't have protected her from the vampires. At least she's safe here." Emily reminded him.
"She deserved better."
"Oh, Sam…" I didn't need to be able to see them to know Emily would be wrapping her arms around Sam's strong waist and leaning into him to comfort him, "Now, calm down and kiss me, you loveable idiot."
I could almost feel their love for one another palpably in the air and my chest felt wretched at the reminiscent longing it constantly mourned. I stepped away, forgetting the porch step, and tipped backwards. Staggering, I caught myself against the railing and stamped my feet firmly on the ground. My breath came in gasps and I squeeze my eyes shut. Suddenly, a wave of heart wrenching torture crippled my lungs and I gripped my ribs in my hands.
"Bella!" Sam was unexpectedly by my side, "What's wrong? Have you been hurt?"
"I tripped." Trying to straighten up, I waved my hand at him to stop his fussing, "I'm fine." But my heart howled in denial. Taking three deep breaths, I tuck a loose strand of hair behind me ear, "I'm fine." I said again, wanting him to believe façade I had become so used to portraying.
"You've just startled yourself falling off the porch, haven't you, Bella?" Emily's kind voice came from near the front door, offering excuses for my odd behaviour, "Stop fussing, Sam." Sometimes I wondered if Emily had ever been heartbroken, for she seemed to know just what to do when she witnessed my mental breaks. But then, she loved Sam so freely, I could not imagine someone who had been through such pain as I was experiencing ever giving themselves so completely to another after their heartache, "Come on, you can help me with the chilli."
I nodded my head slowly and followed Emily into the kitchen, attempting to ignore the twisting of my heart, as I threw myself into the distraction of cooking, and tried to ignore Sam's concerned hovering.