AN: Thank you to my reviewers; serenity1006, Anony, and charverv.
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Chapter Sixty: Feeling.
It was the midday sun that rouses me from sleep from where it peeked through the narrow gap in the curtains. My neck creaked and protested as I move from the cramped position I had distorted myself into on the corner of the couch. The blanket slipped off my knees, which Emily must have used to cover me up at some point during my limited nap. I felt disorientated and muffled by exhaustion. Raking a hand through my knotted hair, I glanced around. Emily had left a platter of pancakes with fruit and syrup for me under a netted food dome and a note excusing her absence. Ignoring it, I stood and pulled back the curtains. It was a beautiful day, sun beams bouncing on the hood of my truck and the wind causing the trees to sway lazily. A rare sunny day on the Reservation.
But I felt indifferent.
The perfect day did not add up to the life in my head. Jake had been missing for two days now. Sam was helping him through the transition from 'human' to 'werewolf', but Jacob was still missing from my life. I had gotten too used to his presence; the ability to go to him when I wanted him. But now our routine was broken and it's continued existence in limbo – would he want to be around me now he knew everything? Would he want to be friends with a 'bloodsucker lover'? The other pack members had been uneasy around me in the beginning. Their distrust for me stemmed from my previous alliances and they blamed me for the disruption in their lives. Each had grown to overlook that aspect of my past, but it had taken time and a few feuds between werewolf minds. Would Jake react the same? Would he blame me? No longer trust me? It was too painful to consider. Gripping the curtain, I felt my tears welling up. I couldn't lose the one thing in my life that had the ability to make me forget the past and enjoy the present. If I lost everything again, I was sure to never return again.
There was sudden movement at the treeline. My heart leaped, but it was only Sam who pushed through the last of the branches. He spotted me watching him immediately and showed me a small smile. Jogging over to the cabin, he came in and threw an arm around my shoulders.
"How is he, Sam, is he okay?" I asked, leaning into his warmth.
"He's doing really good, Bells. He's surprisingly mastered it already, much quicker than the rest." He looked down at me, "He's got a real talent."
"Oh, good, good." I nodded back, looking down at the windowpane, "When is he coming home?"
"He's gone home." Sam replied after a quiet moment, "Billy's so proud."
"Oh." It's hard to swallow past the lump in my throat, so I duck under his arm and wandered into the kitchen, "That's good. Billy must have missed him."
"He sure has, but he understands. This is our heritage and Billy is thrilled to see it again, he saw his own Grandfather as a wolf."
"I know." I pulled a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. But I wasn't thirsty. I stared at it absently, before tipping it down the drain, "I should get dressed."
"You okay, Bella?" Sam asked as I turned to the staircase.
"Yeah, just tired." I muttered, leaving him behind.
Once under the spray of the shower, I found myself shaking and short of breath. My mind was unravelling and my body didn't know what to do with itself. I sank to the base of the tub and clutched my head. Jake was home. Jake was okay. Jake was home and he was okay. I was here. I was not okay. I was not okay here. I rocked into my knees and scrubbed at my face and hair. I couldn't let my mind go again. Not now, not ever. I fought to control my emotions, but it was like trying to capture smoke with my bare hands. I could catch it, but it would escape nonetheless.
My mind was telling me that I should be sad and grieving and giving in to its dark depths, but there was happiness weaved like gold strands through a black tapestry. Happiness that Jake was okay. That he was coping with the turn his life had made. He was home and under control. There was still fear and uncertainty, but my heart beat with the thought that he was not gone. He was not lost to me. He would still exist in my world, even if he hated me now. Relief stopped me from spiralling. He had stopped me spiralling with loss again.
I rose from the floor and pressed a hand to my chest. My heart beat against it. It hammered a rhythm that I grasped at. I flicked off the shower and still felt my heart going. Wrapping a towel around my shivering body, I felt the cool air. I so rarely felt anything. But I was feeling again. Simple touches and small emotions. It was relief.
With renewed energy, I found myself in my bedroom, the mirror before me, and I stared at the fibres of the towel in the mirror. It slipped through my fingers and I stood bare. There was no one to see anything, but I saw something. I saw myself for the first time. My pale legs, leading to my thin hips, and up to my trembling hand resting on my chest. I hadn't seen myself in so long. It felt good. There was no hole to see, even as it echoed hollowly in my mind, but it wasn't physically there. Confusion pricked at my thoughts, but I allowed myself to feel it. I was still sad and hurt and scared, but I was relieved and happy, and I was uncertain and worried. I felt these thing and it felt good to feel. Taking a breath, I focused on my heart beat keeping me alive and just felt for the first time alone in so long. A tear spilled down my cheek and I smiled. It felt good. It felt like relief. I was coming back to me and I was relieved.