Stillness
As always, I don't own anything from Emergency! I am only playing and will return the characters in good working order when I am done.
The still air surrounds me. In this moment, I am glad no one can see me. My mind moves like a turbo engine. My throat is home to a football sized knot as I close my eyes. A hot stream of tears starts down my cheek. I barely feel them and don't even try to stop them. I couldn't if I wanted to.
The stillness around e makes me keenly aware of my breathing. It is rapid as a stomach-churning picture enters my mind, My head finds my hands as the tears continue.
In my line of work, stillness is not a good thing. A quiet din, I don't mind. However, silence screams loudly. My head spins as the sickening beep that just recently met my ears fills my head. The circle of life has closed for good on another man. As usual, I didn't know him personally. That doesn't dull the pain of the loss though.
The shriek of his family makes my body shudder. No matter how long I do this, deliver that news is never easy. The day it becomes easy is the day I am done. I cough as the tears stop. My head remains down as I slow my breathing. I notice the stillness again as the replay leaves my mind. I know we've done all we can, and I know he won't be the last I lose. Yet, that only dulls the pain.
Yes, I will go back to work. I need to, people rely on me. I sit up and let the profound silence work on me. As always, it takes me from pain to calm. I mourn everyone I lose. It's just the ones that hit hard where I need the stillness for a short time.
My eyes open and I wipe away the remaining tears as I hear familiar footsteps approach. Suddenly, I feel a calming hand. Reflexively, I reach up and take her warm, silky fingers. We are silent for a few minutes.
Then she asks, "Kel, are you okay?"
I look up. I know my brown eyes are as read as a fire engine. "I am now, Dixie. I just…"
She cuts me off. "Let the stillness work, Kel. Things have settled down. Take your time. Lord knows you deserve it."
I stand and she wraps me in a hug. Right now, I don't care who see us. The warmth of her embrace continued to calm me as the stillness settles my mind. I own my mouth to speak, but the intercom cuts me off. "Doctor Brackett, report to the ER Stat. Doctor Brackett, report to the ER stat!"
The stillness breaks. It has done its job. Now I have to do mine. I take a breath, my first in a few minutes and run out of my office and down the hall. Dixie is right behind me. I am determined again, recharged from a moment in the stillness.