Impossible Love
Chapter 17 – Many Happy Returns
It was Sunday morning and Lara had cocooned herself in bed. She didn't want to have to put on a strong front today, so staying in bed and not seeing anyone was the easiest thing to do.
Some years, her dad's birthday came and went, only leaving the sharp sting of guilt when she eventually remembered what she swore she'd never forget. She guessed that was the guilt of the survivor: the relentlessness of time and life, pushing on until your life expands and the hole of grief is filled or plugged with other people and other things. Lara suspected it was her mother's letter, and the thought of a Christmas with Robert, that had torn the plug away this year, or maybe it was her happiness about the internship and hope for the future that reminded her of the everything her dad had missed. Either way, this year the swirling pain felt overwhelming and choking in its intensity. A punishment for trying to ignore it.
Still, there was no need to see anyone; Lara preferred to deal with grief privately. She'd been deliberately evasive with Hestia the day before, choosing not to make plans and creating a fictional Ancient Runes assignment that needed completing. Not confiding in Hestia was perhaps a mistake with hindsight, but it did mean there was nothing to prevent her from staying in her pyjamas all day, not showering, and snacking on the sweets she'd hoarded from her last Hogsmeade visit. Hell, she might even get round to reading the book her mum had sent her off to school with in September. It was apparently a sensation in the Muggle literary world. A day of lockdown holed away from the Hogwarts' hubbub and happiness was just what she needed.
Reaching blindly for a packet of cookies, Lara kept her eyes riveted to the novel she'd succumbed to. She'd cried in the morning, stifling the sound into her pillow for fear of alerting Jamie. Then by lunchtime, stomach rumbling, she'd managed to wrestle her feelings back into the darkest hole in her heart and get out of bed. Transferring herself to the armchair by the window, she'd picked up the book and fell straight into the world. The characters papering up the cracks in herself.
Sometime in the afternoon, a sharp knock disturbed her reverie.
"Lara, everything alright?" Jamie inquired through the shut door.
She didn't reply.
"I'm coming in."
He pushed the door open tentatively as if worried what sight would greet him.
Their eyes met, and Jamie seemed to visibly relax when he saw her curled up in the armchair.
"You've not been around today," he said by way of an explanation as his eyes took in her choice of clothing, scraped back messy bun and slightly puffy, mascara-free eyes.
Edging further into the room, he waited for Lara to fill the silence.
Lara placed the open book facedown on the windowsill. Usually, she would use a bookmark, but today the tiny slice of chaos and bent spine seemed fitting given how she'd abandoned the rest of her usual routines.
The silence stretched interminably in front of them as Lara fought to find words.
"Today would have been my dad's forty-fifth birthday … he died ten years ago," she paused as if unsure what else to say. She'd caught the glance of pity that flashed from Jamie. "It's just seemed to hit me harder this year, that's all."
Lara felt ashamed of her weakness and couldn't get any more words out. She lowered her eyes and fiddled with the hem on her pyjama top to avoid eye contact.
Jamie's eyes filled with concern as he said, "You're allowed to feel grief."
When she wouldn't look at him, Jamie said her name with urgency and stepped closer, "Lara, there's no right way to deal with that kind of loss. Don't feel guilty because today you cried. And don't feel guilty that yesterday you didn't."
With his words sinking in, Lara looked up, "It was so many years ago. I thought it had got easier …" Her words trailed off into silence once more.
"That's part of being human," said Jamie gently. "Some days it's easy and other days you collapse. But you keep going and keep their memory alive."
Jamie's grey-green eyes left hers and took in the bedroom, duvet thrown back, cookie packet discarded on the floor.
"Right, I know what you need…" rolling his sleeves up, Jamie pulled out his wand.
"Clean sheets," he pointed his wand as the bed refreshed itself.
"Some proper food…" another flourish and a large silver-plated platter complete with lid landed with a thud on her dressing table.
"And a little bit of something to drink," he finished as two flutes filled with an effervescent, bubbling liquid appeared on the windowsill.
Lara appreciated the gesture but appreciated more that Jamie understood she just didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Jamie brought over the chair from her dressing table and placed the platter on it, before taking a seat on the floor opposite her. His tall frame looked out of place on the floor as he tried to sit cross-legged.
"Let's see what we have…"
He removed the lid with a flourish.
Underneath was quite the surprise.
"Stuffed crust, BBQ chicken pizza and a side of spicy wedges."
"My favourite," said Lara with amusement.
"Well fancy that."
"How did you – "
"I can't give away my secrets," said Jamie, stretching forwards to grab some pizza. His hand bumped Lara's as they both reached for the biggest slice.
Lara didn't care how he'd managed to magic up the decidedly un-Hogwarts cuisine … she just wanted to eat it and wasn't going to give up the best slice that easily.
"Mmm," she enthused whilst taking the first delicious bite. "I love that this is your proper food. Wouldn't have thought Quidditch training would allow you treats."
Toasting her with a slightly smaller slice, Jamie replied, "What the lady wants, she gets."
Having finished her slice, Lara reached for her glass and sipped before bursting into an alarming laugh.
"What is this?" she questioned, looking down at her glass.
Jamie took a deep sip and heartily chortled.
"Giggle water. Care of Burke's cellars … a classic vintage, I think you'll agree."
Interrupting her reply, a large tawny owl rapped its beak insistently on the window whilst beating its wings to maintain flight.
"What have we got here?" Jamie stretched up and unlatched the window, bringing the bird inside and loosening the slightly unfurled letter from its leg.
As the owl pecked happily at a leftover crust, Jamie glanced down at the writing – his eyes darting to the first few sentences. With barely enough time to read them, he thrust it at Lara and stood up.
"Think I should be going now," he said, standing up and leaving the room, shutting the door with slightly more force than was needed.
Lara looked to the letter in her hands. There was no mistaking the sign off or the handwriting. It was from Neville.
Dear Lara,
It seems I owe you a few apologies. The first I should have said last night, but it entirely slipped my mind and then we were interrupted … I'm sorry for cancelling our planned meeting so abruptly. I had prior arrangements with my friends from school, which got cancelled and then were back on at the last minute, meaning you were messed around.
I'm also sorry for avoiding you since Halloween. I don't know what to say to excuse myself – I don't think I can. I didn't deserve the openness and affection you showed me last night. I wish we could have talked for longer.
Once again, congratulations on the internship. I knew you didn't need me to fire interview questions at you to prepare. I'm certain I've not been a great mentor to you - I hope you can also forgive me for that.
Nev
Then added in a hastily scrawled postscript, Lara read:
Just seen Hestia, when I went to owl this. She said she'd not seen you all day and she thought today would have been your dad's birthday. I hope you're ok? I know how tough birthdays can be. I'm always here for you to talk.
Lara smoothed the creases out of the letter and took it over to her dressing table. Pulling out a sheet of parchment, she set about penning a short reply to send back with the owl.
Hi Neville,
Honestly all those apologies are unnecessary. You've been a great mentor, and I wish we'd had longer yesterday so I could have thanked you properly.
Hestia was right. This morning was difficult, but I'm doing better now.
Hope to see you soon,
Lara
x
She'd hesitated for a stupid amount of time over whether to add the kiss or not on the end. Eventually, she thought 'sod it' and quickly added it before fixing the letter to the waiting owl's outstretched leg.
She remained unsure whether it was the letter, or Jamie's attempts to cheer her up, that had lifted her spirits. Either way, she felt as if her armour was back in place and she was ready for the week ahead.