Orpheus
"Would you even think to ask that question if you didn't love him?"
Five times (or more), Andrew DeLuca pushed Meredith Grey away, and the one time, she did not allow it.
Inspired by the whole season 16, trigger warning for mentions of Andrew's bipolar disorder. Nothing that hasn't been shown on the show is here, but please be careful.
Also, this is a long one.
The first time it happened, it was odd, not unexpected given the fact that she just told him that they weren't going to make it. Nobody wants to hear that their relationship is hopeless; besides, he was very optimistic about the outcome of her hearing. Their lives were supposed to be easier once this whole mess was off, but he never thought the only thing she would lose is her faith in them. Perhaps they could have worked something out because two people who are together should think through things together; unfortunately, that wasn't their case.
I hate someone I used to love.
Those words kept running in her mind as Meredith walked to open the door only to find her boyfriend on the other side. Out of anxiety, she fixed her blouse and brushed her hair with her fingers.
"Can we talk?" said a profoundly serious Andrew. It surprised her to see him. They agreed she should spend the night celebrating with her kids. It was not an ungrateful surprise, yet, she was aware there would be some talking to do and -if she was lucky- some all-night activities.
"Yeah." She could read in his face some concern, fear, and a hint of heartbreak. Meredith had way too much experience in relationships to not get worried. She did not even remember how they ended up on the porch with their hands perfectly united. It was quite romantic, although the tension between them was palpable, not in a good sexual way.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said." Meredith knew she had to fix this. She didn't even allow him to start the conversation he required. "I didn't mean that we wouldn't make it." True. "I just- I don't know." She has this common problem that always hits her when she must open about her feelings; she can't fully express them. "I don't know what I meant. I was scared." He understands. He wouldn't judge her for any of her actions regardless of her fear. He was there to be whatever she needed it; whenever she needed it, even if it meant to break his heart a thousand times, he will be there because she will fix it a thousand times more.
"Mer, don't. Okay? You mean it." Andrew had the same problem. It was one of the reasons why they connected so well despite his tendency to feel everything too deeply; while Meredith preferred to clean her emotions away, literally. Both of them have issues apart from the ones they share; of course, when everything collides, nobody was going to act rationally.
"No, I didn't." Her hard tone indicated the fight was on. She had been through this so many times. Derek trained her for this kind of argument; however, he also taught her how to solve them. She was looking at him directly in his eyes, begging him to understand her, to believe in her.
"I stood up for you in court." Although she was ready to counterattack with words, the action of Andrew releasing her right hand was more than enough for her to allow him to keep going. "I defended you at the hospital. I went to jail for you." A small part inside his brain was trying to stop him from saying more stuff he has no business bringing up. You do not ask for a reward for the actions you do out of love. You should not do it. Still, there he was throwing at her face his good deeds, screwing everything up.
But it was not his fault.
"I know," She sighs. "and I didn't ask you to do any of those things." She was not wrong. She was deeply grateful. Nonetheless, Meredith hated him for bringing them up because it made her feel like she hasn't been doing enough. It's not like she has to. She loves him, that's supposed to be enough. She is supposed to be enough.
It was not her fault.
"I know," Andrew said irritated, she wasn't getting his point. "But I did it anyway because I love you." Both of their postures changed instantly. When it came to them and the four-letter word and them, it was always something so delicate, untouchable. "Because I'd do anything for you." They only had one hand still intertwined. It felt like those hands were carrying the weight of what it was becoming more than an argument. "Because that's what you do for your partner."
Life is always up to interpretation; words are messy while actions are loud, nevertheless, neither of them will ever be enough to express what we want in the way we need it. Right now, outside of Meredith's house, an avoidable misunderstanding was happening; non of the persons involved were saying what it needed to be said. Their ideas did not match their words, so it happened, and it was not their fault.
"But I'm not your partner. Am I?"
The second time it shouldn't even count. It was more subtle. There were people around them, a lot, who just wanted to give her a warm welcome to the hospital, even though, the second their eyes collided, nobody was around. They missed each other deeply, however, they were too proud. Andrew was still firm with the idea of her needing some time alone, and Meredith, well, she is Meredith.
"Bailey re-hired you?" You can hear the flirtatious tone in his voice, almost playful. He was using comedy to hide the real intentions of his comment. He was not part of her life anymore. He does not get to know when she was coming to work, at what time she will be leaving, or what surgeries she had to do today. No more falling to sleep on the same bed talking about their days, no more midnight texting. No more them. That was the last straw Andrew needed to realize his massive mistake.
"Well, I was going to tell you, but you were too busy dumping me." She understood the game they were playing, it was fun, and truth to be told, she was hurt, bitterly hurt. After they broke up, she did her night routine. She continued with her ordinary life because she had to; this was not her first rodeo. At this point in her life, she was such an expert on hiding feelings, moving on, that would definitely cost her some great pain later, but nothing she has not been able to handle. She always rises above the situation, even if it cost her a part of herself.
"I did not dump you. I asked you to take some time." He toned down the humor to say that. They were face to face; with his eyes, he was sending a message made for her. I still love you. Her vision was cloudy by the pain he caused. She didn't and won't get it. It will take some time till she does, but they had to trust in the process. They must trust. Maybe time it was what they needed it, time to miss one another to see how strong their love could be even though their minds were fragile.
"Rob/steal. Murder/kill. It all means the same thing." Fear started to grow in him; his mind worked some pretty good things to say to her.
Love/partnership. The two take some time.
Meredith will answer him that she did not need any because she loves him and wants to be with him or something around that style. Sadly, he kept it inside, giving his fear permission to take over while watching her walk away and treat him like another resident.
The third time was… eye-opening. Their relationship was in a weird place, they were having sex, but they were not together. Maybe they were still together, but neither of them noticed because of the familiarity in what they were doing. The whole messiness allowed the biggest catastrophe between them to happen with less surprise. People around them like to call this time the Suzanne Britland, a case that brought them together to pull them part like no one. It's funny how they began their day tangled naked in bed, making promises about talking. They were going to figure out their relationship after Andrew figure out Suzanne. It was a bulletproof plan. It will give them time to focus on their professional lives, to have more sex with no strings attached, and feel every single emotion they wanted to. Nothing went as planned; however, the only thing she figured it out in those days it's he was changing, drastically changing.
A doctor can get overworked and tired, it happens all the time, is something Meredith understand so perfectly, but a doctor can't get obsessed. She noticed how he started the case so optimistic with a strong desire to find out what was wrong.
He had some guilt driving him crazy. One of the possible diagnoses was a nosocomial infection. Something that could be caused by the appendicectomy he performed on Suzanne. Then it wasn't.
He was growing more worried and more out of himself. She blamed it on the pressure; everyone did. Her mistake was not seeing she is not everyone. She was supposed to be the person who knew him better than anyone, yet, she didn't notice the first warning sign.
Meredith likes to think if only she had taken the case with him from the begging with better schedules, necessary breaks, and her to look out after him. She could have acknowledged sooner when something in him started to work differently from his usual self. Andrew asked for her help multiple times. He was keeping her updated with his discoveries. Relationship or not, she had a professional duty to be there for him, but she also had something to prove. She thought by letting him solve this alone, she will be showing him her respect. She was so goddamn wrong.
Meredith had enough when Suzanne's meds were suspended along with Andrew's stability.
Suffering is better than dying. We need the diagnosis, DeLuca. Stay the course.
That conversation with Dr. Lauren Riley triggered something in him, not for the best. It was not driven to make a diagnosis; the only way to call it was anxiety. When it seemed that Meredith's concern could not grow further, he approached her at the nurse station. Interrupting her conversation with Hayes to attack her with a bunch of questions ignoring the man she was talking to make a rude remark in Italian. He wasn't acting like the sweet, polite, and good with the kids' guy she fell in love with. He was elated, irritable, and hyperactive. He was not fine.
"You've been going through transcripts of my old lectures?" Meredith said amazed. His hair looked disheveled; there were bags under his eyes. He looks so trapped. She was getting such a bad feeling.
"Well, yeah, I'm going through transcripts from everyone's lectures." DeLuca thought he was stating the obvious, but all she could hear was how much he needed, deserved, a rest.
"When's the last time you slept, Andrew?" She was trying to read his face, looking for his eyes to have a better perception of his mind, but it seemed like she couldn't read him anymore. He was supposed to be the easy one in the relationship. He will wear his heart on his sleeve for her to take, still there she was looking at him so clueless. She tried to show him some support by rubbing his arm. He didn't flinch or acknowledge the gesture like he usually would; she was even able to leave her hand on his without him knowing. His focus was completely on the case.
"What's that have to do with anything?" He said indifferently; this was nothing for him. Solving the case was his top priority, and apparently, the only thing in his rapid mind.
"You can't help Suzanne if you're exhausted." She saw how his attention was on her, so she was going to take advantage of those seconds where she had him. "You took Suzanne off the meds three days ago."
And Meredith lost him.
"Mh-hmm" He scratched his forehead in irritation. Meredith stroked his hand with her thumb to calm him down. Usually, she would not allow such a public display of affection, but her body was aching to do something.
Screw it.
"Have you taken a break?" She knew the answer; however, nothing was wrong with asking because she had hope in him.
"Look, can you just answer the question, please?" He slammed his hands on the papers, aggressively letting go of the hand he just noticed was interwind on his.
Her mind could only process him, and the case he was asking for was a long time ago. It was understandable for her to hesitate. "I think the rash was, Uhm, propofol-infusion syndrome." She gave up. Meredith understood he will calm down once the case is resolved, at the moment there wasn't much she could do.
Little did she know.
"Propofol infusion," Andrew said for himself. "Okay." He grabbed his case files ready to go, but Meredith's voice stopped him.
"You could try to run a CgA." It was a valid suggestion he took as a mean comment.
"Thank you. It didn't need to be that hard." The sarcasm was so palpable in his voice, although it hurt way more his necessity of running away from her. Meredith's eyes catch Carina's, who listened to the whole conversation from behind. They were both deeply concerned, though before either of them could say something else, Dr. Riley appeared, giving him even more tasks and bad news.
If DeLuca wasn't going to listen to her, Lauren will have to. His sister seemed to have more stuff to do, he was long gone, so Meredith took that chance to speak to the doctor uninterrupted, but it was pointless. The other doctor looked more put together as if she has been having good nights of sleep.
Andrew must be doing all the work.
The conversation only ruined Meredith more. Riley was taking advantage of his passion, treating him like a robot, and he was allowing it. He wanted to prove he was good enough to make an impossible diagnosis. He wanted to prove himself to her.
She decided to keep with her day, ignoring her concerns; nonetheless, she had to cross paths with Carina, who was even more worried yet, she was the only seeing the situation clearly. Meredith was love blinded. There were signs, noticeable signs. It hurts to know what she thought where proves of his love could also be part of his symptoms. She tried to associate every action with him being a resident, but this was not healthy.
Would you even think to ask that question if you didn't love him?
She probably already will be working on the case; however, she let it slide for once. That night they very publicly brook up. Meredith did nothing about it.
The fourth time was cold, pun intended.
Meredith knew it was a terrible idea. She was a little bit mad at Hayes for encouraged Andrew to leave on foot in the middle of a storm blizzard. She was angrier at the Italian for not listening to her and for his sarcasm. She knew he was deeply hurt by her comment of him sounding like his father; she gets it. If someone one day tells her she is just like her mother, she will run away to San Diego, again.
She had to admit that she was getting tired. She can't -but she will- spend her whole life chasing after him. There was only so much she can do for him without him accepting he has a problem.
At the time, she was trying to focus on the surgery, with him being the only thing on her mind. Hayes was aware of her concern and tried to distract her, it did help. She needed to get rid of the weight in her heart. The male nurse saying DeLuca just left Seattle Press, did not help. Meredith has always been using medicine as a coping mechanism, yet, this wouldn't be enough if she loses him.
Should I not have trusted him to go?
She should have done better. She could have stopped him. She is his superior, but pulling that one on Andrew would have made the situation ten times worst than it was. She was still hopeful for them. A love like that does not disappear overnight. Meredith once told Alex she didn't want to be in love again unless it felt like family. She never pictured she will find it in the chief of residents her best friend almost left blind and dumped her sister. However, now nobody can erase the permanent mark he has made in her life. He brings out the best in her. He makes her feel like that young intern who always fell in love so deeply and so intensely. He is her second great love story, and she is losing him too.
"Okay, I'm back, I got it." All the people in the O.R. jumped from surprise when Andrew entered, slamming the door, shaking from the cold, looking blue with almost black hands carrying the organ. "Here, here. I got it." Meredith was terrified of the shape he was, her eyes scanning from head to toe with the most worried look everyone has ever seen on her.
"Dr. DeLuca, tell me you wore gloves." Meredith was grateful Hayes was the first one to talk because she had lost her words. She was in complete shock. The authoritative voice of her colleague pulls her out of the tornado of emotions in her mind.
"Okay. I wore gloves." His newly developed sarcasm showed how over he was with the situation. In his mind, he was the hero. There was nothing wrong with what he just did. Why is everyone looking at him so judgmental?
The hell you wore.
"Let's page Dr. Avery right now. Let's prep for this transplant." She said to whoever in the room would listen. Her tone could barely express how mad she was at him for being so careless. She looked at him straight in the eyes with rage. She did not know he was looking at her for support. He did something great. This is good for him, why she cannot be on his side for once?
"Me-, Dr. Grey-" Andrew swallowed the Meredith and changed to their professional language to ask to scrub on the surgery, letting his jealousy take the best of him.
"No, someone get Dr. DeLuca out of here, and please, give him a warming blanket and page the other Dr. DeLuca." She was more than strong enough to throw his intentions out of the window, kick him out of the O.R. and seek for his wellbeing at the same time she was fighting the urge to warm him herself. His sister will have to do what she is aching to, scold him, and stop him from doing more harm to himself.
Meredith goes back to the surgery while someone is helping him out of the room. Hayes is throwing at her a face that can only be asking if she wanted to go. He got this. She decides to ignore it, being aware of how pissed she was and how if she goes, she will probably say something to break him more.
As always and expected from her, she pushes throw the day. Puts on a happy face when the parents of her patient thank her, and asks for Andrew. She changes from her surgical clothes to scrubs, does some rounds even go for some hot chocolate to the cafeteria where she drinks it by herself in a little bit of peace and quiet. She knows he's alive, she does not have to keep worrying about him, but the marshmallows won't get her mood up if she does nothing. She has to see him; it's going to cost a part of herself to do it, yet, she has to. She owes it to him and to their love to put her anger away and go.
Meredith didn't have to ask which room was him because the worried Italian OB/GYN outside of the door was more than enough. Carina turns her head to notice her, they share a small nod of heads but both of them had their attention on Jackson, telling Andrew he's going to need to debride the damaged tissue in the O.R.
At least he is not a popsicle.
"Thank you," Meredith says to the plastic surgeon with what can be her last smile in a while. The women enter the room in unison.
Seeing him as a patient is quite bizarre. He has always been this I'll be your strength when you need to and even when you don't figure. They were scared for him; however, all those feelings will have to stay hidden for a while.
"I'm not really in the mood for visitors." Andrew says aggressively. It causes no effect on both women who are controlling their breaths and minds to not scream at him for being so reckless and selfish.
"Andrew, that little girl is alive because of you, so I just wanted you to know that." Her voice irradiated happiness. She was so proud -and mad- of him.
"I do know that, and I also know that if you'd had it your way," He turns his head to look at her straight in her eyes. His sister has nothing to do with this, honestly, he would prefer she wasn't, so he focused his attention on Meredith, making the room way smaller than it is. "I wouldn't have gone out there, and that little girl would be dead, so I guess you're thanking me for not listening to you." He is trying to hurt her. She can feel it so vividly in the same way she feels the man she loves walk away. She cannot speak; she is building an intern armor to protect herself from his out of place backlash.
"Andrea, we were just worried about you," Carina says in a soft voice. She has enough experience to know that fighting with him will lead to nowhere. "Okay, this just like when papa-"
Wrong words.
"I'm not him, okay?! I'm not him!" He's screaming, trying to convince them or himself. He does not know at this point. "For the first time in my career, I'm succeeding on my own without anybody's help. Why can't just be happy for me and accept that?" Truth to be told, he still carries with him his father's words about not being enough for Meredith. He wants to be great at his job, that's more than okay, but he also wants to feel worthy of her love, a thing that will end up destroying him one day. "Why- why- why you do- you always got to accuse me of- of not being well?" He is stumbling his words because of the rage; he sounds desperate and so misunderstood. He is trying to find his way to them, but something is pulling him. He has no control.
"Because there's a history-" Meredith's insides were breaking seeing him like that; however, she could not help him unless he was willing to get the help. Interrupting her and ignoring she was talking proved he was not even close to that point.
"Okay, well I don't accuse you of having Alzheimer's every time you forget something, do I?" As if she didn't do it herself. Meredith's anger grew so fast with his comment. She could not believe he pulled that one on her without thinking about it twice. "You know? You can go, Meredith. Please, just- just leave." She loves him a lot, but as she should, she loves herself more to stay in that room.
She leaves with her head high, not letting him know he got her. She has patients who want help; at this moment, they are more deserving of her time than the stubborn Italian. She can feel him slipping through her hands, she does not want to let him go, but he is getting more and more irrational than what she can take. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't have a Cristina near to yell at him for her or an Alex to beat him to death, again.
It's easy for her to find comfort in Hayes. He doesn't seem to like Andrew, and he doesn't know her enough to give her a hard time. He is just an outside guy with an unbiassed perspective; however, the only thing he causes when he asks her if it was good to love someone again was a wave of flashbacks.
Cinnamon flavored memories of both of them fill her thoughts. He made her so happy. He returned the glow she had been missing since Derek died. He had this ability to showcase the best part of herself with only a sentence. He was a romantic, excellent cooker, brave, her kids liked him enough, good in bed, a goofball sometimes, every girl dreams just for her. It was inevitable for her to fall in love with him, although this new him was ripping apart the awesome memories to replace them with what if she was just a symptom, or what if his mental health was perfect and this was just his true colors?
Meredith goes home that night just to be received by Ellis, asking where her special friend was and why she hasn't seen him in a long time. She dodges the question with an effective he's busy. That night she goes to bed, and unlike other days, she cries, not for long, not so much, just enough to fall asleep.
The fifth time was the worst. It was very public, very cruel on them, and helpless. Meredith has heard in the hallways of the hospital that Bailey has suspended him from surgery until a therapist says otherwise, she wants to feel happy about him, but he also has been ignoring her and pretending she doesn't exist. They are mad, and in love; it's messy. They thank anything above for the fact that they don't have to be in the same room for multiple hours because they could easily kill each other while making out.
Today was the first pro-bono surgery day. Her dream was coming true. Today her screed up personal life did not matter. The first few hours were okay, everything was going accord the plan, and the whole thing was working like a well-oiled machine, then everything went to hell. The O.R.'s were packed in no time, making her change the schedule for the other surgeries also having to add like five more, but how could she say no? The point of this day is giving high-quality care to people who needed the most; obviously, emergency patients will have to take the lead.
There's like a rule in her life she has never been able to escape, whenever things are going good for Meredith Grey, there has to be a plane crash. Today's plane crash started when she entered O.R. four hoping to find her patient, all she found was Owen Hunt and Jo scrubbing on their surgery with their patient on the table. Perhaps she got confused, or maybe her patient had been sent to the wrong O.R. Unfortunately, Helm had to tell her that Dr. DeLuca said that she wanted to change things around. If Meredith was pissed before, now she was full of rage. He can mess up with her heart everything he wants, but her work was out of limit. He will hear from her, screw the love, this was other people's lives. It was so easy for her to give the other of taking out his patient of the schedule, so easy, a decision she will probably regret for a long time.
It was a day full of discoveries. She found out she could elongate the time laps of her pro-bono surgeries. She found a new admiration and respect towards Tom Koracick, which was surprising, and she found that definitely Andrew DeLuca has bipolar disorder, and he was facing a manic episode.
Find him in the middle of the waiting room, screaming at the top of his lungs while holding back tears will be an image Meredith will never forget. She kept calling for him, but there was no response. He was lost in himself like never before. He was paranoid, irrational, and angry at everyone for not believing him. Cindy was being a victim of human trafficking; why was he the only one who could notice that?
Meredith remembers how the second she arrived, the crowd cleared her path to him. Bailey was there, Webber was there, Carina was there and back in Italy with her father in her mind. Most of the hospital's main surgeons were watching the downfall of Andrew. Everyone kept looking at her, asking what to do, but she was clueless. Her heart wanted to believe in him so badly, but her mind knew he may be delusional. She got to take him out of there. How could she reach him when they were so far apart?
Making that circle around him will always be one of the hardest things she had done. Watching him breakdown to tears on top of a chair without being able to touch him. Look at him in the eyes and make the vague promise that everything was going to be alright. Her eyes couldn't leave Andrew's face.
She could not find him in the person in front of her; however, this is the most of his pure self she has seen in days. She had to break the grip on her hands with whoever she thinks it had them, probably Owen and Bailey, to rub his arm and the hand of the same. She couldn't reach the other because he was holding his crying face with it. She could feel his scars from when he got frostbite, a reminder of what she should had seen as an episode.
Meredith forgot she was mad at him. She needed to touch him in the middle of this chaos. Carina's cries matching his were too much to handle, all the eyes on her begging to stop him when she had no control over him, not anymore.
He got tired of fighting, so he stopped. Meredith, with the heaviness of her heart, let go of him. He followed the security team to the chief's office with his sister by his side. She was grateful Carina took the initiative to go because she was still in shock with what happened. She was incredulous.
She took her hands to her mouth to release the breath she was holding only to find out her face was a little bit wet. She doesn't even remember crying, all she recalls was him in such distress and her not being able to do anything.
She feels Maggie's hand on her shoulder. She allows herself to be vulnerable for a second before politely grabbing her sister's hand. Meredith takes off her scrub hat and gives it to Pierce. She looks at her, saying everything with her eyes, and starts running towards Bailey's office. She must see him. He could keep crying or having another crisis. For a bipolar patient, a manic episode can last months. He could still need her.
"DeLuca!" Meredith doesn't even make it to the office before hearing Miranda screaming his name and him running away from her looking angry.
"Hey, what are you doing?" By seeing him, she realizes she must act the most natural possible to not disturb him even more. He looks more put together than minutes before; however, he is not fine.
"Looking for a new job, I quit." That took her by surprise. This is not a conversation that has to happen in one of the most open areas in the hospital.
"I tried." Miranda has her history of mental illness, she gets him more than everyone right now, but all the effort she put in her office to talk to him was pointless. "He needs help, but he won't listen." Bailey stopped following him, knowing that probably the only person who can talk some sense on him is Meredith given how he screamed at his sister in her office.
Meredith doesn't stop following him, she thought he was going towards the elevator, but apparently, he decided to take the stairs because there is where they finish, and where she decides to stop him given her luck with this particular staircase. "Okay, Andrew, look at me, please." She prefers not to keep moving with the both of them wearing their hearts on their sleeves.
"No. No." He goes down a few steps more than her. It seemed like he doesn't want to stop walking away from her.
"Please." Her second try hit harder, he finally stopped, but he got too many emotions inside him. Maybe she could understand him.
"Since day one, all I ever wanted was to be like you, like all of you." His father strikes again. "You know, just accomplish the impossible, make a difference in people's lives and the more I do that, the more you all just judge me and call me crazy, and I'm not!" My father. "And I'm sick of it, and I'm done!" All the rage inside him was coming to the outside. Perhaps it was suitable that they were on different levels physically; however, their psychological levels were the ones who were costing them everything.
"But you are accomplishing the impossible, and that's why I can't let you quit!" Truth to be told, he was growing more and more as a surgeon, and he was talented. He figured it out Suzanne, he thought of the impossible.
Meredith can't help but remember when he told her she didn't respect him. If only she had tried harder to make him understand he got her respect, maybe they wouldn't be here. Just a possibility full of weight; however, in the end, it was impossible given the fact he is bipolar by genetic heritage. It was inevitable, but not hopeless. It would never be hopeless.
"I'm not your business anymore, Meredith!" She missed the old Mer days. "I don't work for you, and I don't love you!" She wants to think he said it out of rage, or he was being brutally honest with her; either way, it hurt a lot.
"But I love you!" He was trapped in his mind. It was her duty to take him out of there. That took him both out of any storm they were. They knew they loved each other, but it has been, rarely, said out loud. He reacted instantly to those words, and finally, in what it seemed like centuries, their eyes connected. The message finally arrived. "I love you." If she had to say it a million times to assure him that it wasn't some out of the blue emotion, she would do it.
She had to go down the rest of the stairs and be by his side because she wasn't afraid of him. She will do the impossible to believe him. "You went to jail for me. You saved me from myself." She may be next to him, but her mind was back on that day outside her porch when Andrew told her she needed some time, indeed, she did need it. Before she wasn't able to see all the things, he has done for her, missing him got her to the conclusion she couldn't see a life where he wasn't around. It was her turn to make those sacrifices for him, she may lose him in the process, but as long as he finds himself back, she will be happy for him. "I cannot let you walk away from this." From me. "Just take some time, take the suspension, but come on, this is not how this ends." His face looked frustrated, but it seemed like she got him. He will always be more afraid of losing her even if now all he wants it's to keep denying the truth.
They were having a whole fight with their eyes, hers were full of love and concern while his eyes were dark and watery, but in the end, she won. "If you tell Bailey to call the national trafficking hotline and investigate that girl, I'll take the suspension." He couldn't hold her gaze any more. His actions were starting to hit him. He felt ashamed and embarrassed about all the mess that he made. He hated himself for all the stuff he said to her.
"Done." She was proud of him for listening; however, she felt disappointed in herself for letting him go so easily. She wished she followed him down the stairs and took him to her home to take care of him, but she didn't.
The rest of the day was blurry. Her mind and hands were so busy that her heart couldn't take the lead. She could feel people staring at her and talking behind her back, admiring how she just saw the man she loved having a manic episode yet, she kept working. The secret was working didn't allow her to feel.
The sixth time she got him back.
It has been one of the hardest periods in her life. She lost not only Alex and Andrew, but she was also losing Richard. His meltdown was just barely a month after Andrew's, it took everyone with their guards down, but Meredith was suffering the punch even more being alone.
Amelia was about to have a baby, spending all her nights with Link. Maggie was preferring to be by Richard's side than fully working on the case given what happened with her mom. She couldn't blame them; they were all needed somewhere else, but she couldn't help to feel lonely.
She hasn't seen him in a while, not even in the hospital. He was supposed to be attending therapy; that means he could be avoiding her because of his recovery, right?
Her mind was completely on her father figure case. In the beginning, she was betting he had a stroke, but neither his first hospital nor they at Greys-Sloane had evidence of that. His symptoms were familiar, too familiar. Richard had cognitive decline, short term memory loss, agitation, irritability, depression, mood changes, erratic behavior, hallucinations, and tremors. It was logical to think it was Alzheimer's, but Meredith knew better. This was the disease she was the most familiar with within the whole world. He did not have it. They were getting nowhere, and the symptoms list was growing every day. She needed help.
When Bailey told her Andrew was at the hospital and asked her to make sure he leaves, she saw a window for opportunity. Meredith not only needed emotional support, but she also needed his mind. One of the reasons she fell in love with him is how passionate he's about medicine without being a shark about it, just what Webber needed. It was hard for her to see him after so many days, but he seemed fine. His longer hair and not well taken care of beard may not be the best signs; however, she wanted him here.
Richard had an army of surgeons handling his case, but Andrew and Meredith were doing all the heavy investigation. They were doing everything since everyone seemed to be obsessed with the forbidden word, Alzheimer's. Somehow, they were both stubborn about that not being the right diagnosis. DeLuca these days lacked credibility; however, Meredith still had enough to keep doing tests. They did every single test they knew and even tried some experimental ones, but nothing was showing.
They worked side by side for almost two months, sixty days of them in the same room only talking medicine, with no exception. There were moments, well, little things that showed how much they cared about each other. Andrew always made sure they had some drink; Meredith was making sure they were eating. Some late nights when none of them wanted to go home, the two would sit on the couch and leaned their heads on the other shoulder. Bailey once even found them cuddled up sleeping but never say anything about it. They deserved to feel something other than helpless.
It was almost like they made this silent promise of setting their hearts apart as long as their mentor needed them. It was for the best. Sex only makes things messier and way more difficult than needed; besides, Meredith was suffering enough. She didn't need more Italian drama. Perhaps that is the reason behind her forgetting to check on him.
She was only making sure he didn't lose strength. She didn't notice how he hasn't been to therapy since he got involved in the case or how he only slept when it was with her, and those were very limited times. Maggie did notice, but she ignored it not wanting him to leave.
Andrew started strong, focused without sounding obsessed and following orders; nevertheless, that stable period lasted the first four weeks. He started wanting to do some of the tests himself, screaming more and more, getting more lost in himself for sometimes periods. She even thinks he was crying the other day. Those things didn't stop her from preventing working him to the extreme. Slowly Meredith had to add making sure he doesn't talk to Catherine or Bailey, going down to the O.R. floor, and calm him down when he got too passionate to her to-do list. It was exhausting, but then it happened.
He did it. Her Andrew saved Richard's life. It wasn't one of the fancy surgeons who worked on the case. Even she was not able of figuring it out. The resident solved the impossible case with a groundbreaking discovery. There were some obstacles on his way, mostly because he was reaching his breaking point growing more irrational to the extreme he almost got himself kicked out of the hospital, anyway, he gave a perfect use to his last credible moment.
She was so proud of him. He may have an untreated mental disorder; nevertheless, that didn't stop him of accomplish the impossible. She could only imagine all the things he could do once he gets treated. They did make a great team, and she was looking forward to continuing to work with him even if it doesn't involve the romantic aspect of the relationship. She hoped that wouldn't be the case.
Meredith was standing so tall, observing Andrew during the surgery. He wasn't allowed to touch Richard, but with her help, he was in there to see the outcome of his brilliant catch. The surgery lasted almost eight hours in which she did not leave. From time to time their eyes crossed, a little bit stupid considering he should be seeing the surgery but was choosing to see her.
Look what I have made possible.
By the end of the procedure, she couldn't help to let out a huge smile for him being so overwhelmed with so many emotions. She left the gallery of O.R. full of joy. She even called her children to let them know the good news, mommy was coming home.
She got distracted with the work she had been neglecting right after. Thankfully she didn't have that many patients with the cleared schedule she gave to herself to be fully focused on Richard. Eventually, the adrenaline wore out, so she decided to call it a day. She ran into Hayes on her way out. He asked her out for drinks, and as much as she wanted to go out with a friend, she was way too tired for that. Maybe at another time, she will get to know him better. She was so ready to go home when out of sensation, she turned her head towards a nurse station only to find him there.
"Hey, Andrew?" She ran to him, he was on the floor with his back leaned to the station, she decided to get on the floor with him to look at his face. She felt forced her to grab his hands to comfort him. He no longer looked euphoric. He was extremely tired and sad.
What did I do to him?
"Andrew, it's over." Meredith was getting more used to find him when he was having an episode. However, as far as she knows, he has never experienced a depressive one till now. He didn't want to look at her eyes, moving his gaze trying to avoid her, but it was pointless. "Maggie said she'll call us if there are any changes." She was using the king of voice she used when one of her kids was having a nightmare yet, his eyes were fixed on the floor. Meredith was repeatedly rubbing his arm and massaging the scars on his hand with her thumb- She was trying to let him know it was okay. He was safe in her arms.
"I don't- I can't, uh…" His voice was very fragile and broken. He let go of her hands to grab his head in a failed attempt to calm his swirling mind. "I don't know what's going on." It finally hit him; he has a problem. He was the blind one. All it took it was some real happiness to fall from the high. He was terrified of himself for becoming the thing he swore he would never be. He had become his father. Andrew contracted his whole body trying to hide, but Meredith was there to catch his hands just in time.
"Okay, okay, can we just go home?" Neither of them knew what that meant, but it didn't matter, he was the one who needed her, and she owes him -and wants- to take care of him. "Let's go home, okay? Come on." She got them both out of the floor, but it was almost as if he was too weak to walk. He placed his arm around her; she showed no protest, also hugging him with her left arm for better support. She could feel his rapid heartbeat in the palm of her hand. "Do you want me to get your things?" He nodded his head slowly. They started walking towards the elevator. They didn't let go of each other the whole elevator ride to the low level. She got to the resident's lounge, where out of habit, he was leaving his stuff in there these days. "Sit here, please" She placed him on the bench while she went through his locker packing his essentials on his backpack. She didn't have to ask him the code because he was corny enough to put her birthday as the password.
A lot of people were staring at them and gossiping behind their backs. She sent them all dirty looks and was going to say something about it when Helm was ahead of her. "It's depressing how every single one of you has to mind other people's business because your lives aren't interesting." Meredith mouthed a thank you to her making her blush and leave the room in a hurry. Usually, she would laugh, but Andrew somehow ended up on the floor again when she wasn't paying attention.
"Andrew, let's go." She extended her arm, and he grabbed him to get up almost on his own.
Progress.
At this point, she will take whatever the universe wants to give her. They returned to the same position and kept walking while Meredith was speaking low to Andrew that everything was going to be okay. Rubbing his back every time the fast beat overwhelmed her.
"Grey, do you need help?" They crossed paths with Hayes in the parking lot who, apparently, hasn't left. You have to admire that man's determination.
"Thank you, but I got him." She could feel him judging too, but as well, it didn't matter at all. Meredith was able to take him to her car and get Andrew in the codriver seat without so much trouble. She was sure of something; he ain't going to get in that motorcycle for a while. When she fastened her seatbelt, she had another dilemma, should she take him to his home or hers? He was in no shape to be alone, and as far as she knew, his sister was busy with her sister's baby. Without more rodeo, she got into the car.
"I don't think I can be alone now." She hasn't even closed the door before he says that heartbreaking sentence.
"It's okay. You don't have to." She grabbed him and turned to look at him with a melancholic smile thinking the worst of what he just said. After a few seconds, she placed his left hand on her thigh, she may need both hands to drive, but she wasn't letting him go, not now, not ever.
When they got home, Meredith was able to get him out of the car; however, he still looked so weak to walk on his own. She carried him to her front door with a little bit of trouble. "I'm going to get the keys out of my purse." Andrew nodded his head. While she was opening the door, he was leaning on the wall playing with his hands. He did not want to look at her in the face. He was feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was giving up on himself. "Let's go inside." This time he walked on his own.
The nanny was sitting on the couch, going through some book when she heard the door. She got surprised by the scene in front of her; she knew Andrew to be a very cheerful and polite guy. Meredith was grateful the woman just grabbed her things and left. She will pay her later.
"Do you think you can go upstairs alone?" She grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to turn around to look at her. He was on the verge of tears, but so far, he was holding everything in very well.
"Yes." He said straight forward. The trip to her room seemed to go flawless until just before opening the door, Zola was walking down the hallway.
"Hi, Zozo, what are you doing up?" Meredith was distracting her so Andrew could get into her room without her seeing him in such a bad shape. She didn't hear the click of the door closing so she moved to the side obstructing Zola's view of her room. Meredith wanted to protect her daughter from something she could not protect herself.
"I'm thirsty; is Dr. DeLuca okay?" Inevitably, her daughter did notice her broken whatever they are at the moment. She knew her relationship with Andrew was just fine, nothing complicated, but it definitely could not get worst in the future. She will not be able to have him around if one of her children hates him.
"Yeah, yes, he's just tired." Zola was an incredibly smart girl who noticed the nervousness in her voice. She was moving her head side to side, trying to look inside her mother's room.
"Are you okay?" The girl tilted her head to the side in the most adorable way. Her presence was inconvenient but very welcomed, she needed that.
No.
"Yes, I'm fine." Meredith was doing the impossible to not crumble to pieces in front of her; however, Zola can see people's insides so clearly. She envied her ability a lot.
"Good, he hasn't been around in a while. You can use the company." Her daughter left without saying more. She stood there in shock; when did her little girl grow up?
Meredith shook her head, waking up from her proud mother trance. She enters the room to find Andrew curled up on the bed already under the sheets. Her heart melts at seeing him so small; it was her turn to save him from himself. It won't be easy to help him, but as she gets into bed with him, looks into his eyes, takes his hands, caresses his cheek until he falls asleep, she knows they will be okay.
Maybe they will have to stay apart for a little bit more so he can focus on himself. Maybe they will never get back together again. One thing is for sure, they do not give up on love today.
Shit, I didn't check on Amelia.
I put the warning because I personally feel deeply about some of those scenes so I just wanted to be extra careful, also I'm not an expert on this disorder, feel free to let me know the smallest inconvenient. I know this is mostly a rewrite, but I wanted to do my take on these scenes from Meredith's perspective with an extra emphasis on her feelings. It seemed right to me until I had to rewatch season 16 go write this.
Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and now on ao3, I can take requests if you like because so far, all I have written is angst. I have some ideas for fluff so don't leave, and also would you like me to do part 2 of Train Wreck?, I have some ideas that appeared to me in my insomnia.
The number of times I edited this, trying to make it shorter should be illegal.
The song is Orpheus by my favorite singer Sara Bareilles (yes, I'm a theater geek).