I don't own VA and I don't own Games of Thrones. ( a little sentence borrowed from the series).

Chapter 12

DPOV

A few days had past and the Guardians were in chaos. Well, Guardian's version of chaos anyway. To the outside world, it would still look very organized. With Natalie turning, and Viktor being transferred to a high-security prison at court, things were hectic. I hadn't seen Rose for a while. Her training sessions had been canceled. I had a glimpse of her when she was marked. But because she received the mark for killing a fellow student the ceremony was private and not public. She had looked defeated. I can imagine killing a friend was taking its toll on her.

She has been cooped up in her room after that. Kirova had relinquished her punishment, so she could socialize again, but she chose not too. I understood it with most students, Everyone knew Natalie had turned and Rose had killed her, but I didn't even see her around Lissa much.

I was just finished with walking my patrol route when I saw her at the end of campus, near the pond, just behind an old cabin that was once used as a Guardian outpost. She was staring out across the water, deep in thought. I walked up to her. I wanted to talk to her. I don't want her to feel guilty over Natalie. She did what she had to. I sat down next to her. She looked up at me and smiled a very forced smile.

I had to bite my tongue and keep my Guardian mask in place. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. Her eyes were sunken in and there were dark circles underneath. Her usual tan color made way for a washed out pale. Even her luscious hair seemed to conform to her mood. It was like all life had drained from her.

"Hey." She managed to say. She sounded even worse than she looked. The word contained no emotion, just numbness.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

"Fine, I guess."

She sounded anything but fine. How was I going to approach this? She needed a mentor right now. But even if I knew I was good at teaching combat skills, I didn't know if I could teach her this. I didn't think I would have too. So I just told her what I always tell myself when I ask for absolution for my kills.

"Roza, you did what you had to. If there was anything left of the old Natalie she would have wanted you to set her free. Because that is what you did. You set her free."

She sighed.

"If you would be turned, would you want someone to kill you?" She asked. I did not have to think about that one.

"Yes. The Strigoi I had become probably doesn't want to die. But it is an empty shell. The real me would be stuck in that body controlled by that monster." I let a pause fall.

"Would you want someone to set your soul free?" I asked. I thought I would formulate a little bit more delicate.

"I would never turn voluntarily. So yeah I would want someone to put me out of my misery. But Natalie chose that life in order to save her good-for-nothing father. What if she blames me for 'setting her free'." She raised her hands and indicated quotation marks when she said 'setting her free.'

I thought about that for a moment, she was right. Someone turning on their own accord is different. It wasn't like someone had ever been restored from being a Strigoi. So there really was no one to ask, and asking a Strigoi wouldn't be very objective.

"When you turn, the monster takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That is trapped. The Natalie you faced was a shell without the Natalie content. Her soul somewhere stuck in between. You killed the shell and saved her soul."

She nodded. I hoped I was getting through to her. She had seen enough Strigoi to understand the monsters they were. I wonder if Natalie was the whole story. I can imagine losing your friend like that was hard, but there was something nagging at her, something else. We hadn't really spoken since Lissa had been kidnapped...since the lust charm. I wonder if she was avoiding me because of it?

I saw her actually physically shaking. I reached out and touched her hand. She was freezing. How long had she been out here?

"Roza, you're freezing, Come on."

I let her into the cabin and made a fire to heat the place up.

She sat down on the bed and looked down at her hands. I could tell myself her appearance was due to fatigue, I could tell myself she was just coping and trying to heal. But as I looked at the fire I had made, I realized the fire in Rose was gone. Something had snuffed it out.

I kneeled down in front of her.

"Roza, what's going on? This is more than just about Natalie isn't it?"

She looked at me shocked. She held my gaze for a few seconds before I saw her eyes tear up and she broke down in front of me. I moved next to her and just held her until she calmed down. I waited for her to speak.

"It's Viktor."

Now I was confused. I knew Lissa was having a hard time accepting that her gentle uncle Viktor turned out to be anything but gentle. I knew Rose had known him growing up, but I was surprised this would affect her so much.

"It's something he said."

What could Viktor have said that had her so upset?

"Rose, whatever he said, Viktor is a manipulative maniac. You should not believe anything he said to you."

She kept shaking her head. Still very much pressed against my chest.

"He was right. He is a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. He knew things about me and Lissa, about this whole spirit thing." I could barely make out her words, they were so broken.

I cupped her face into my hands and lifted her head up so she was looking at me. I ran fingers from one hand through her hair. She closed her eyes and just let my touch calm her down. When she opened them again I asked the question.

"What did Viktor say to you?"

The look in her eyes became glazed over with tears again but she did not break down this time. She looked so scared.

"He explained how the bond is formed. He said why it was called shadow-kissed."

Okay, what the hell was so traumatic that it had this strong girl, the strongest I had ever met, in tears? She was stalling. I waited for her to continue, but she wouldn't, so I pressed forward.

"And?"

She signed resigning herself to the fact I wasn't letting this go, so she might as well tell me.

"The accident. I always thought the bond formed because Lissa lost everybody else in that car crash and desperately needed to hold on to the one person she did not lose. But it turns out she did lose me. I died. I died and Lissa brought me back to life using Spirit. I crossed over to the land of shadows, forever tainted by it."

My world stopped. My Roza had died at fifteen? I could not comprehend that. Maybe Viktor was wrong, maybe he was lying. But why would he tell her that? What would it accomplish? Viktor had known a lot about spirit. Was this always the case when people were bonded? That the spirit user healed them from death? I didn't see it mentioned in any of the text I had been reading on Anna.

I didn't know if I believed it completely, although I had read the report on the accident, it had been a miracle Rose had survived. But looking at Rose I knew it didn't matter if I believed it or not, Rose believed it, and she was hurting because of it.

Rose stood up from the bed and started to nervously move her hands. She seemed to shake again, although I knew it wasn't because of the cold. It was like her body couldn't contain all the information and emotions she was feeling and was almost vibrating because of it.

"I am not even supposed to be here. I should be dead and buried in a grave somewhere. The only reason I am not is because of Lissa. I would always protect Lissa and I would gladly sacrifice my life and anything else for her, because of my duty as a Guardian and as her best friend."

I knew that would never change. Whether they were bonded or not, Rose would protect Lissa with everything she was.

"But now I know I only live for her. The Rose I was, died and all that is left is the Rose in service of Lissa. I am tainted, my soul is tainted. Viktor said so."

She was almost shouting at this point. She was on the verge of hysterics, days of thinking this information over has had her going crazy. I could not believe what I was hearing though. Just because Lissa brought her back, that she gave her a second chance, doesn't mean Rose as an individual doesn't exist anymore. If anything Rose lives life more than the rest of us because maybe subconsciously she knows how quickly life fades away. I needed her to understand this. My heart was breaking for her.

I walked up to her and restrained her against me.

"No Roza, You are not tainted; you are not some sacrificial pone for Lissa. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. You live life to the fullest, maybe because you know it can end in a moment. I know you are willing to die for her, but you don't have to live for her. You are your own person, and I love you."

She looked at me with shocked big brown eyes. I did the only thing I could after that, I kissed her. I kissed her with everything I had. To show her how much I loved her, all of her. She responded to my kiss with a desperate intensity. Like she needed me as a confirmation she was alive and she was her own person.

The kiss started to heat up. I felt her tongue against mine and opened for her without thought.

I knew I should stop here. I should stop. I knew logically that Rose and I couldn't be together. But I wasn't thinking logically. Every fiber of my being pushed me towards Rose.

We both needed this. She needed to know someone loved her for her, that she had a right to be here in this world as who she is. I needed to know she was alive. I am always aware that in our line of work we usually don't grow old. But for her to have died at fifteen made it all that much more real. I could not lose her, I would not lose her, and I was planning on showing her that.

I had one hand in her hair and one around her back. I was slowly moving towards the bed. Her hands were in my hair and I moaned at the sensations. She moved her hands to my shoulders and slid them under my duster, taking it off. Her touch no longer felt cold. It felt hot like mine. I took her jacket off and I let her fall down on the bed, me on top of her. She lifted one leg up and I moved my hand on her thigh keeping the bent leg in place. All the while never letting my lips leave hers.

I knew from our time with the lust charm that this was new to Rose; despite the rumors of her ample experience I knew the truth. She had never been with anyone, and I could not help but feel excited about this. I would claim her first and if I had my way she would never be with anybody else.

I started taking off her top and then her boots. She was arching her back towards me giving me better access to her top. The feel of her pressing against me was exhilarating, and I think she also noticed me pressing against her as her hips lifted up and met my own. She made quick work of my shirt and I had kicked off my own boots the moment I hit the bed. She was now slowly moving her hands up and down my chest, gradually going lower, until she reached my belt buckle.

I would have stopped if she asked me to. I knew a good make-out session doesn't have to turn into sex, but her intention was clear, she wasn't stopping. She looked at me and I could see her decision. She wanted this just as much as I did. We needed this.

I helped her with my pants and then started to make work of her pants. God, I loved how she looked in skinny jeans, but I guess every benefit has its drawback. They were a bitch to get off. I swore under my breath in Russian as I struggled with the last piece of major clothing standing between me and her.

Once I had it off I went back to kissing her. Her lips, her neck, her chest. I could hear the soft moans coming from her. I unhooked her bra. I gave her one last look to make sure. I had already seen her almost naked a few days ago. I had been under the thrall of the lust charm. The desperation hadn't been mine, but the intent, and maybe even worse the memories were. It was ingrained into my mind forever. I was grateful Rose would allow me so close again with all her faculties intact.

She looked at me a little foul because I paused. If I had any doubts about her wanting this then they were laid to rest. The fact she was pissed I stopped and the fire in her eyes brought me more joy than I could imagine. I chuckled but honed in on my prize.

I started to touch her breasts, her nipples already hard. I felt her shudder underneath me. I moved my hands over her valleys and down her back. I noticed how much she liked being touched on her back. I moved my hands down her back to the other major curve on her body.

This was where we were interrupted last time. It would not happen again. I placed my hands in her panties and slowly took them off of her. She lifted her hips making it easier for me to take them off. She had her hands on the hem of my boxer and pulled them down, freeing me from my constraints. She could not help herself but to take a look.

The hungry look in her eyes was such a turn on. I had a hard time not taking her then and there. But I needed to take this slow, I had to make her ready for me. I moved my hands over her breast down her sides, down her thigh and up her thigh again. I slowly made my way towards my goal. I rubbed my dumb against her node and I heard her gasp. I smiled to myself. I played with her clit a little bit but made my way down towards her folds and pushed a finger inside. She was already wet, very wet. I guess I wasn't the only one who has been fantasizing about this moment.

The last few days since the last charm were the worst. It was one thing imagining what it was like when you had no idea what it was in reality. I had seen her naked so I had some idea, but to have her underneath you moaning and coaxing you to go further is a whole different matter. Now when I dreamed about her I would dream of the lust-charm incident. I did not change a single detail except that in the dream we did not stop. I knew that this moment here would now be the dominant dream at night, replacing the other night.

Rose was withering underneath me, she was having a hard time catching her breath. She panted.

"please comrade."

I still did not know how she came up with that particular ridiculous nickname. I had thought it was funny if not a bit offensive. But hearing her whisper it like that meant I never wanted her to call me anything else.

I finally gave into her as I positioned myself at her entrance. I slowly pushed inside. It was a testimony to my control. I would have fucked her senseless if I had my way, but I knew this was new to her and had to take things slow. I felt her walls tighten around me. I needed her to relax. I slowly moved in and out of her as I stroked her face and said her name. I kissed her very gently and I could feel her relaxing underneath me. The kiss started to intensify and Rose was tilting her hip up to meet mine at a slightly different angle allowing me deeper access. She slowly started moving her hips against mine. I started to follow her rhythm and we were speeding up. I lifted her leg up once more so I was now gripping her thigh. Keeping her close to me as I moved in and out of her. I was starting to pant. I let go of her lips and growled in her hair. I wasn't going to last much longer.

But I still needed her closer to me. She felt the same need. Her head was slightly next to mine, our noses touching. Her hands were on my back and bringing my body lower to her own. She was arching her back towards me so our bodies were connected at every possible place. She was moaning into my ear and it was driving me crazy. Suddenly she threw her head back and I knew she was close. I could hear her curse God and in any other moment, I would have scolded her for her language. Now I was doing the same in Russian. I felt her walls clamp down with my last stroke and felt my own release moments after.

I was panting and buried my face in her hair. Rose's natural scent mixed with sex. Amazing.

I lifted my head up and looked into the eyes of the woman I loved. The only woman I have ever loved. I did not know how I got to this point. She had slowly crept inside of me like a virus infecting my whole body. But I knew in that moment that I could never put anything or anybody before Rose, and I was done pretending otherwise. I placed both my hands on her head stroking her hair while still supporting my weight on my elbows. She was slowly coming down from her high and I could see the love returned in her eyes. Something else had also fully returned. Rose's fire. It burned bright from inside her. Where earlier she was defeated and thought she had no right to exist on her own in this world, now she had found something that was just hers.

Me.

After a few more moments passed our breathing had gone down and I lay down next to her. She positioned herself half on top of me, her head on my chest. I circled my arm around her back and started to trace her scars.

We stayed silent for a little bit. I was content. The girl I loved was in my arms happy. Of course it was Rose that broke the silence.

"wow."

I chuckled, still as eloquent as ever. She lifted her head up to look at me, her hair a mess. It was falling over her shoulder and onto my chest; I gently brushed it out of the way. I could have stayed like that forever, but my alarm on my phone went off. I moved over to grab it from my jeans that were half draped over the bed, all the while never letting go of Rose.

I scowled at the phone.

"We need to get back. I have another shift in an hour."

Rose looked disappointed. I was disappointed too. I placed my hand back in her hair and behind her neck bringing her lips on mine again, telling her that this hadn't been a mistake. I did not regret a thing. It made things infinitely more complicated, but I would never regret this perfect moment in time. I pulled back from the kiss and looked at her. I needed to understand and believe my words, without any doubt.

"Roza, I love you and I don't regret what happened. I am tired of pretending I don't want this or that I can walk away from this. I am in too deep. I will find a way for us to be together without endangering Vasilisa. But for now at least we have to keep things professional, until graduation. If people find out about this it would hurt both of us and jeopardize your position as future guardian to the Princess."

She leaned into my hand which had subconsciously moved to her face and hair again.

I saw she was angry, not with me, but with the situation. I was a little too. This has been amazing. I had never felt a connection to a woman as strong as I felt it to Rose, not just emotionally, but also physically. Cooling things until she graduated was going to be hard. With no hope of release. Pun intended.

"I know. I love you too. And I understand. We'll make it work, somehow."

We stayed together like that for a moment longer before we really had to get back. Reluctantly I let her go and started to put on my clothes. She was doing the same. I don't want anybody else to see her gorgeous naked body, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed when she started to cover herself up again. I sighed. seven months until graduation. I would see her every day. Sparring together, training together. This was not going to be easy.

We walked out of the cabin and started to walk back to the main campus. Before departing I had one last thing to say to her.

"Rose, don't worry about what Viktor told you. To me it just proves you are still yourself even after the car accident, because only you could look the God of death in the face and tell him: Not today and walk back out."

She smiled a brilliant smile at me and then turned around and walked to the Moroi commons. I assume looking for Lissa. I wondered if she told her about the fact that she died or if she was going to tell her what had just happened.

I made my way towards my next shift. I was to watch the main gate. There would be more guardians on duty; at least I would not have to be alone with my thoughts. I was afraid of where they may lead. I meant what I said, I would find a way for us to be together, but for the next few months I would have to get the image of my Roza writhing and moaning underneath me out of my head.