Chapter 36:

RPOV

It broke my heart knowing Dimitri was hurting over the caves. I wanted to tell him that it was my choice. I knew the risk I was taking by going after him. I wanted to tell him I had to, because if he had died my life would have been over anyway.

But whenever I wanted to talk to him, I choked up. I simply couldn't think about the Academy without shutting down. It was the only way I could handle it. By not handling it.

I had been plagued by darkness before. I understood the mechanics. But this was different. Even though there were similarities. Both the darknesses I had experienced had been out of my control. It wasn't my fault I got turned. I understood that the monster inside me had done all those horrible things, and I had done horrible things. I just hadn't been strong enough to stop it.

Dimitri had been there to bring me back from the darkness before, and now he was doing it again. But the darkness before, wasn't my own. It was Lissa's. It brought out a primordial rage and it simply shoved the real Rose back. I had never been fully aware of the things I did while under the influence of Lissa's darkness. I would watch myself as if I watched a movie being played. It was almost an outer body experience, like being in the passenger seat of a car. I could see it, but I wasn't the one driving.

As a Strigoi however, I remember everything. I was conscious when I did those things. It was me that did those things, just the worst part of me. I didn't have my soul telling me what was right and what was wrong, but it was me. And that scared me. My time with Dimitri was me. My hatred and resentment of Lissa was me. All me.

The only time I didn't feel completely overwhelmed by my past actions was when I was in Dimitri's arms. He still could keep me grounded. He was still the only one that could.

But just because he could keep me grounded didn't mean I knew how to be with him. I didn't know how to get back to the way we were. I couldn't bring myself to kiss him. I didn't know if he regretted the time we spent in Las Vegas together. I didn't know if I would be reminded of what I did to him or if he would be. God, I fed off of him. At the time it had felt so good, but now I was ashamed. I wondered if he was ashamed too?

But as I was sitting at the table with his mother, grandmother and Adrian, watching him so hurt, I knew I wasn't the only one who was hurting and had been through hell. He went to my funeral. He charged himself with the task of killing me, of setting me free. I was grateful to him for that.

I wondered if it wouldn't have been better if he had killed me. I was desperately trying to get back to him, to who I was, but I feared she was gone. And all that remained was a broken girl unable to do anything herself. What kind of life would Dimitri have with me? Would he eventually leave knowing I can't be what I was. Or would he stay, giving up any resemblance of a normal life and romantic relationship. I didn't know which sounded worse.

We had been sitting on the kitchen table when a girl walked in. Her eyes were brown like Dimitri's and her hair color was also similar. I knew it had to be one of his sisters, probably the youngest one. Viktoria I believe her name was.

Her eyes widened in seeing Dimitri. She flung her arms around his neck, nearly hitting me in the face. When she pulled back Dimitri's gaze darkened and he looked menacing at Adrian. He slapped him on the head.

"She is your cousin, remember."

Adrian was rubbing his head. I giggled a little. It was strange but also a bit funny to see Dimitri bonded to Adrian. They were so different, but somehow they… worked together. I was very grateful to Adrian. He had taken care of Dimitri when I couldn't… when I was the source of why he had a hard time taking care of himself. I had seen them interact over the last couple of days. There was a certain kinship between them. It almost didn't surprise me that they shared DNA.

"Well, you can't blame a guy for looking." And as if on cue, Adrian's gaze turned to me and it was followed by another hit on the head by Dimitri.

I giggled again. I didn't have any siblings or close family, but Lissa had always been my family. I knew a little bit about sibling rivalry. Dimitri was the calm one and Adrian was the rash one. It is kinda how it had worked for Lissa and I.

I swallowed back a lump in my throat when I thought about Lissa. If I had a hard time getting over what I had done to Dimitri, it would be impossible to ever face Lissa again. Granted I hadn't actually done anything yet, but the things I wanted to do...

Viktoria looked at Adrian and smiled while throwing her hair back. Adrian returned the grin until he saw Dimitri's face and then the smirk was wiped off of his face immediately.

"Hai, I am Adrian, your brother's charge." Adrian said but he didn't make a move to extend a hand or in any way make contact with Viktoria.

"And your cousin. First cousin." Dimitri finished just to make sure Viktoria got the message too.

"Cousin? I didn't know we had cousins." Well neither did I. I wondered when Dimitri learned he and Adrian were cousins. I imagine it didn't go over well. Not only had there been a certain amount of rivalry between the two men regarding me. Dimitri also didn't hide his disdain for his father. I imagine it had been hard to process for him, even if Adrian started to grow on him.

"yeah well. Now you do."

Viktoria glared at him. Dimitri had always said I looked most like Viktoria on the inside, both of us were very feisty.

But as I was looking at the beautiful feisty girl in front me, I saw no resemblance to myself. Whatever Dimitri had seen in me wasn't there anymore. I wondered how long it would take him to leave me once he realised that. I subconsciously squeezed his hands in an attempt to stop him from leaving.

Dimitri looked over at me, wondering what was wrong. My face must have betrayed me because he came closer and ran his fingers through my hair. I didn't know why, but it always calmed me down. He looked at me with so much love when he spoke, I wondered when he would realize that the girl he is looking at is not the same girl he fell in love with.

"Viktoria, this is Rose, Rose this is my sister Viktoria."

Viktoria looked over me confused.

"Hi." She said a little awkward. Even if she hadn't seen her brother in a while, she understood the dynamics between Dimitri and I, well how our dynamics were in the past. I have no clue of what exactly they were right now. Dimitri's minitrations and close proximity left little doubt as to what I meant to him. The confusion came from how I looked and how I responded. I doubt this is what she expected her brother to bring home.

Well that made two of us.

"Hi" I answered back.

The door opened and two women, both holding a baby, and a boy about seven years old walked in. I assumed these were his other sisters.

"I swear if my manager shortens one more break, because it is too busy, I am going to strangle him. It's freaking Baia, how busy can it be." The younger one of the two said.

The other just rolled her eyes behind her, so she wouldn't see. Both stopped in their tracks when they finally noticed the crowd gathered in the kitchen, and in the centre of that crowd was their brother.

"Dimka!"

Olena was quick enough to take both babies from the women before they lunged themselves at him. This time I did actually get hit by the one that had been bitching about her boss. Sonya, I presumed.

"Dimka, what are you doing here. Why haven't you called, you know you made mama worry, don't ever do that again, she is a pain when she is worried about her baby boy."

I saw Adrian snicker behind Dimitri's back at the mention of his mother's baby boy. Even though Dimitri couldn't see Adrian, I knew he could tell, because his gaze darkened again.

The girls finally let go of him and looked around the room.

"Who are you? Sonya said to both Adrian and me. The tone was a little accusatory. But it may have been directed at Adrian. I don't think they got many Moroi guests. But before either of us could answer Viktoria did it for us.

"The cute one is Dimka's charge and apparently our cousin, but that might just be a ruse in keeping me away from him."

"It is not." Dimitri countered. But Viktoria waved him away.

"And the other one is Rose, his girlfriend." the word stung a little. I don't think I had ever been his girlfriend. We had been star-crossed lovers. We had been enemies and we had been soulmates. But we have never been 'normal' boyfriend girlfriend. And I doubt we would be anytime soon. But I couldn't really explain what we were then, because I didn't know myself.

Sonya looked between Adrian and me. Her scowl never went away. She was staring at us… no not starting, judging. Normal Rose would have looked her straight in the eyes and defied her. This Rose cowered beneath her stare.

"She looks way too young to be his girlfriend. And that boy is too old for you, cousin or no cousin." Sonya replied.

I suppressed an eyeroll. Our age difference has always been an issue. But I knew it was amplified now. Because I looked young, I know I did. If I had been 'normal Rose', I would have carried myself like an adult. I would have stood tall and I would have fit next to Dimitri. But now it wasn't an equal relationship. He was taking care of me, almost like a parent. I crinched. I didn't want it to be that way.

The oldest sister Karolina, was just standing there observing the scene in front of her. More importantly she was studying me. I looked away from her gaze, unable to meet her head on. I was probably making an awesome impression with his family. Why had he brought me here again. Oh yeah I was going insane in Las Vegas.

The little boy came up to his mother's side and yanked her sleeve. She crouched down in front of him.

"Do you know who that is?" She said to her son and pointed at Dimitri.

The boy shook his head.

"That is your uncle Dimitri. He has been away for a while protecting very important people from the bad guys."

You could see his face light up and he ran across the room and into Dimitri's arms. It was enough of a scene that the two girls stopped bickering and both 'ahhed' at the display. I didn't know when the last time had been that he had been home. I knew he couldn't have visited in the last year. How long were children's memories? How often had Dimitri visited? His mother would have made sure the boy knew who his uncle was. But obviously he had a hard time matching the stories to the person in front of him.

When the boy was done hugging his uncle he looked at me.

"You're pretty."

I was a little taken aback by that, but Dimitri laughed. It was good to hear him laugh. It was refreshing. Paul didn't seem to see how broken I was. He saw a girl he thought was pretty, not someone too young to be his uncle's girlfriend, not a traumatised Guardian. He just saw me.

"That she is Paul, that she is. Why don't you go say hello to Rose."

He got off of Dimitri and now stood in front of me.

"Hi."

"Hi." This boy was cute. He looked a little like Dimitri, he had big brown eyes and brown hair like the rest of the Belikov's.

"Do you want to play with my cars, I got a new one yesterday?"

Dimitri looked at me and signaled that I didn't have to if I didn't want to, but actually playing cars with a seven year old seemed a lot more simple then staying in the kitchen and explaining everything to Dimitri's family again. I could just relax a bit and not worry about who I was supposed to be.

"Sure."

And I followed Paul into the living room. The two babies, girls by the looks of it, were placed in the playpen and the mothers returned to the kitchen to grill their brother.

DPOV

"Really Dimitri, that is your girlfriend? Is she even older than Viktoria? Is she even legal?" Sonya practically sneered at me. Sonya was always the most moody of the three sisters. I, in contrast to my sisters and mother, would not tolerate that. Certainly when it was directed at Rose. She had no idea what we had been through.

"Really Sonya, YOU want to lecture me about choice in partners."

At least she had the decency to look guilty before she became angry and glared at me.

"I love Rose and if any of you have a problem with that, that is your problem not mine."

I had to fight to be with Rose. We had so much against us, our age difference being the least of them. And we had conquered them all, well almost. I still had to get her back to who she was. I knew it would take time, but I was determined to get there. I would not defend my relationship with Rose to my own family.

Karolina sat down next to me. She was the most sensible out of all of us and closest to me in age and personality. I knew I could count on her to be the voice of reason in this house.

"Tell me about her."

Her voice was gentle. She had aged a bit since I last saw her. She was young having Paul and although she was an amazing mother, she had still been very young. But now I saw a different Karolina. I wondered if her having Zoya had anything to do with it. But it seemed she had taken over the task of matriarch from my mother. She had matured and she commanded respect. I felt a little guilty. I hadn't been home in a long time, I hadn't been here for her transformation.

"Rose has been through a lot lately. She isn't herself. But when she gets back to herself you are going to love her like I do."

I said trying to convey to her how much Rose meant to me, how much she completed me.

"Well maybe not exactly like you do. That would be awkward, but I would definitely watch that though." Adrian said in that tone that suggested he actually saw the dirty picture in his head. I was grateful the bond seemed to focus on auditory thoughts and not visual ones. Adrian was getting on my nerves. He seemed to make every situation worse.

"How come every time you open your mouth, nonsense comes out." I said, more than annoyed.

"A gift."

He grinned and Karolina had to hold in her laughter. When I looked at her angry she tried very hard to cover it up. I continued in the hope of shutting Adrian up.

"Roza is strong and loyal and incredibly passionate, and always puts others and her duty first. In some ways we are exactly the same and in some she is my complete opposite, but nobody knows me like she does."

Well some Russian women do. I know she wasn't your first.

At least he had the decency to say this through the bond and not out loud. I tried very hard to ignore him, but I could tell from the smirk on Adrian's face that he was reading my aura and my aura couldn't ignore him. Bastard.

"How did you meet her?"

Now Adrian outright laughed.

"Okay that is it. Out, go play with Paul. You know where the other children are." I pushed him out the door. He still tried to turn around and practically shout at Karolina. He wasn't finished embarrassing me.

"Are you saying Rose is a child, I mean she was when you met her."

"Argh." And I pushed him out the kitchen otherwise I would strangle him.

I took my seat again and put my hair behind my ear, trying to compose myself again. The women in the kitchen just stared at me. I don't think they have ever seen anyone get under my skin so much.

"I met Rose when I brought her and princess Vasilisa back to St. Vladimir's Academy."

"Rose was her guardian?"

Oh that would have been so much easier. Well we would still have the same charge but at least I wouldn't have gone to jail for sleeping with Rose.

"No, Rose was a novice."

I let that sink in a bit. Karolina realized it first but didn't say anything I just saw her eyes widen a bit and knowingly look my way. Rose thought I had picked up my guardian mask from school, but that wasn't true. I learned it from my grandmother and Karolina. Both were excellent in hiding their true emotions. However, my other two sisters weren't as subtle.

"A student? Rose is a student?" Sonya asked. Okay so maybe she could lecture me on partners. Even if hers had been trainwrecks, none had been this controversial. But we were past that.

"She WAS my student."

Then Sonya laughed, like a full belly laugh. Tears were streaming down her face. "Well she must really be something if she could get my goody-two shoes brother to break the rules."

Oh if only they knew of some of the things Ivan and I did when we were younger. Although Ivan was the instigator and I followed him to keep him out of trouble. I wondered if I would have to do the same with Adrian. And I had done the same with Rose. In a way maybe I should have expected to fall for Rose. I seem to be attracted to trouble makers I have to balance out.

"That she is."

They would see. Once she was back to herself, they would see the vibrant young woman I fell in love with.

"Dimka? Does what happened to her have anything to do with why we haven't heard from you in a few months?"

Karolina was always the smart one. I nodded. I looked down at my hands and my instant depressive mood seemed to bring the whole place down. Sonya stopped laughing, suddenly realizing the atmosphere had changed. I wasn't going into details with my sisters, they didn't need to know everything to know they needed to give her some space.

"I thought she was lost to me and I didn't handle it very well. But we found a way to get her back. She is just traumatized and needs time to heal. So please, don't be too hard on her."

Karolina nodded, the other two were still contemplating my request. I knew they had questions about her. I just hoped they would be gentle with Rose. She was improving a bit and I didn't want to jeopardize that.

After that my mother kicked us out of the kitchen and started on dinner. She didn't want me to wallow in my pain.

I walked into the room and saw Rose playing with Paul and Adrian watching TV. Although I doubt he could understand much. His Russian wasn't very good.

When he saw me he smiled. I just rolled my eyes. When Rose saw me she got up and walked towards me. She stood in front of me and I ran my hand through her hair, putting some of it behind her ear. I didn't know any more if I was doing it to make her feel better or myself. She handed me a book and I realized it was one of my old western novels. I walked over to the couch and laid down. I crossed my legs at the ankles and Rose took her spot on the couch next to me. Her head on my chest and one leg over mine. I opened the book with one hand while I was running my fingers through her hair with the other. Rose's mere presence seemed to centre me. I knew I did the same with Rose. When I was with her I felt complete. Even if there was no physical side to our relationship right now.

Even if she would never get back to herself, this was enough for me.

My sisters looked at me funny but I ignored them. Until it was time for dinner. My mother got all of us and I kissed Rose's head before getting up. Her hair was all tussled from lying on me and I straightened it out for her. After which she followed me to the dining table. I sat down and looked at the feast my mother had cooked up. I had missed her cooking. Hell I had missed any home cooked meal. I saw Adrian look at me.

Is this eatable? There isn't any dog or rat in there, right?

I shook my head. Not in answer to his question but to dismiss him entirely. Russian food wasn't that different from what he is used to. Or maybe he just wasn't used to poor people's food.

I packed on my plate and helped Rose fill hers. I knew what she would like and gave her an extra helping of those. When I handed her the plate she looked at me the same way Adrian had looked. But somehow on Rose it was cute whereas on Adrian it was annoying.

"Try it. It's good."

She put some on her fork and carefully placed it in her mouth. She moaned and I knew she liked it.

I, on the other hand, had a hard time not remembering the last time she moaned like that, in an entirely different situation, thank God my guardian mask was in place. Adrian, however, smirked at me. Damn aura's.

Okay so maybe I wasn't completely fine with the way things were.

"Dimka, I need you and you charge to help me with something tomorrow. I don't mind if Rose tags along."

My grandmother said in Russian. I was wondering why Babushka needed Adrian to come along, he was useless in anything except drinking, and well bringing people back from the dead. I guess he did have his uses.

"Sure Babushka, whatever you need."

As we ate I noticed Rose eating less and less, and becoming more and more anxious. She kept staring outside and I realized the sun would be setting soon. She was running her nails down her arms again, but at least she wasn't drawing blood this time.

I took her hands in mine.

"There aren't any Strigoi here. The town is protected too much. You're safe here." She looked at me and I saw fear in her eyes. But she wasn't afraid of something, she was afraid for something.

"And who will protect everyone from me?" I could barely hear her, that is how small her voice sounded.

So that's it. She is afraid of the dark because it reminds her of all the terrible things she had done as a Strigoi. I didn't know how to make her realize the dark doesn't change her. It had been the fact that her soul was taken from her by whoever turned her that made her the way she was. Logically she knew this, but emotionally she associated the dark with all the terrible things she has done. It was different for Rose I realized. She had been infected with darkness before and couldn't control her actions. She had nearly killed people a couple of times when it had become too much. Maybe she thinks the darkness of a Strigoi can come back just like Spirit darkness can.

I turned towards her and grabbed her head in my hands, my hands on either side of her face.

"Listen to me Rose, that is not you, it was never you. You're back now. You are not going to hurt anyone. You won't let yourself and I won't let you."

And the last part she perked up a bit. If she didn't trust herself she could trust me.

"You're not going to let me hurt anyone?"

I shook my head.

"I'll be there the whole time. Protecting you, even from yourself, like I have always done."