A/N: Okay, so this isn't exactly new... I wrote this back in September, when I was in a worse place. Sometimes I re-read this when I'm feeling bad and it actually helps. I'm also posting this here because I've been considering leaving Archive of Our Own (I'm not deleting my account there but I'll most likely migrate to another site).
This is most likely out of character, and please be careful since this very heavily discusses suicidal thoughts and death. If you've ever struggled with thoughts like these, know that you're not alone. I hope you're safe wherever you are.
Walk in silence
Don't walk away, in silence
See the danger, always danger
Endless talking, life rebuilding
Don't walk away
- Atmosphere, Joy Division
It's not the first time Steven comes here. And he will never be sure when it'll be his last.
He loses sleep often, and when his insomnia kicks in, staying home can be overwhelming. Memories, lost faces and the emptiness of his house drive him insane. If anything helps, it's the fact Steven can drive now, so he doesn't need to stay trapped.
At first, he only went on night drives, far from the town but never actually leaving Beach City. Steven has gone to the woods Jasper lives in, and some other lonely spots around. Until one night, the half-gem encountered himself back at the Brooding Hill (or his dad's Jamming Hill). Given the many responsibilities he had for two years or so, Steven never felt the need to come back. Or maybe, he never had the time to be here.
Steven doesn't do much here. Once he leaves the Dondai Supremo behind, the boy sits on a spot enough to find Beach City shining from afar. Despite the late hours, the town is filled with life under the starry sky; even more so with gems and humans living together nowadays. Sometimes he turns on the radio and listens to music by himself. Or he listens to the crickets singing late in the night.
Yet the more Steven comes back... the closer he gets to the edge of the hill.
One night, the sixteen-year-old pays attention not to his hometown… but the dark ocean looming under him. The waves crash onto the earth violently. Steven would have been too terrified of it at one point, but…
He starts paying attention.
The ocean is deep and black-pit. Despite the clear, sparkling sky, there is no reflection of the stars at all. It's like a void in his very home. The waves are messy, engulfing… aching.
Steven finds himself listening. He listens to their voices. Listens to their pain. He feels it. Feels the force of the water under his feet, each wave louder and louder. The ocean is alive.
It calls for him.
Throughout all these nights, there comes a point Steven's legs are hanging over the edge. The boy is aware of Beach City shining, yet his eyes meet the entirety of the ocean. He's absorbed by the deafening nothingness of the water. He's drawn to it.
It still talks to him.
Steven stays but he never responds. He's… He can't.
The waves, however, never leave him be.
Steven avoids going back for the next few weeks. Yet somehow, even so far away, He could distantly hear the ocean in his head. The waves are there when his mind is heavy, crushing. They're there when the pink rage inside him scars his cheeks. They're there when Steven feels nothing but hollow replacing his heart. They call for him when he feels pain for no reason at all. They persuade him when Steven is left alone; when he's abandoned by the gems because they're busy (and they don't need his help).
He doesn't want to go back. He needs to be here.
...
Until, he considers it.
After what feels like hours of sitting on his bed, rooted in the same spot, Steven contemplates the photos in his room. He finds the gems doing funny faces. The painting Vidalia made of Garnet and himself. Connie. His dad. He sees Cat Steven sleeping in her bed peacefully.
He does not smile.
Steven grabs his jacket, covering his pajamas and everything. He takes one look at the house before he enters the Dondai Supremo once more. The gems are nowhere to be found; they've been thriving at Little Homeschool, at their own lives. His father guides Sadie and the Suspects on their tours. Connie studies for her future college.
(Much like Beach City at night, they thrive and shine, and become stars. They forever light the sky and guide others to do the same. They're not like the ocean down them, whose waves never reach them. Who never reflects their prosperity. Far, far away from the sky, the water turns deeper and endless, and desperately calls for anyone to dive in.)
On the way to the Brooding Hill, Steven does not turn on the radio. The road is empty tonight. It is 3 in the morning, though.
Leaving his car behind, the half-gem already hears the ocean. It has been waiting for him.
Steven practically falls onto the edge. He doesn't bother looking at the sky anymore.
Much like every other night, everything around him makes sounds. Besides the waves, he still hears the crickets. The soft breeze that travels back to the ocean.
Steven, however, hears nothing from himself. He doesn't hear his breathing. He can't find the pink yells that assolate his senses. He… can't even make it to his own heartbeat.
(Is he even alive anymore?)
If anything, Steven senses his cell phone. He's kept it, in case he's needed. Except he's sure he will be alone for the night. Forever.
He looks at it, desperate. And finds the very same things.
Sliding through things, he sees his friends on social media. Sadie and the Cool Kids playing together. Sadie and Shep dating. Gems who have already learned how to use the internet, have fun in their new home.
Steven closes the app, for the best. The wallpaper of him and the gems together bring something… unexplained in his chest.
He's not needed. That... should've been okay, right? He should be okay with that.
So, why… Why is he so drawn to the darkness?
It's not the first time Steven has approached it. He's been close to it so many times before, remembering every single one of them. And yet he's attracted to it. It's… frightening.
Steven leans a little forward. He shivers at the height of the hill. Has it ever been this tall? This infinite?
Come with us. Don't be afraid.
You will finally rest.
His hold onto his phone is tight.
Before registering it, Steven has made it through the contacts in his phone.
Even after two years, there aren't this many; at least, not many that are reachable. He rolls down the page, rejecting the majority of names.
He stops when a certain name comes up.
Aside from Connie, it's a name he's kept some contact with. Even then, they're not keeping in that much touch lately. It's a name that, somewhere in the back of his mind, Steven heard whenever he came here.
He hesitates. Why would he be heard at this point? Why would he be needed? Why would he need them ?
…
Steven taps the green circle and waits, the ringing finally replacing the waves, even if for a few seconds. It goes on for longer than he wants, and before he concludes he won't get an answer, the line activates.
"Hello? Steven?" Lars' voice comes out of the speakers. He sounds puzzled but not tired; not that he can sleep much nowadays.
"Hey, Lars." The lack of emotion in his tone confuses the other boy more.
"You don't sound… Did something happen?"
Steven is silent for the next couple minutes. He raises his head just a little, eyes briefly catching glimpses of the shining town in the distance.
"No, it's fine." He replies. "You, uh… you remember that hill we took the moss to? And, um, we almost died?" He pauses. "I'm here right now and I thought of you." He's not quite sure what to say. "I… I didn't remember how beautiful it was up here."
"Oh, yeah, yeah… The hill is a pretty nice spot, right? I've gone there a few times after... that happened. It, uh, sure is a view."
The younger boy's gaze falls upon his feet once more. The other end of the line is silent, as silent as his heart. His brain is loud and somehow, endless like the ocean, the black hole that still beckons him.
After what feels like forever, Lars breaks the silence.
"Are you okay?"
Just these three words manage to shut Steven for a good, thoughtful couple of seconds. By hearing Lars' tense breaths, he slightly regrets calling him just to worry his friend. He could have said yes, to calm Lars down. Instead…
"I don't know."
He pauses.
"I… I don't know," Steven repeats. "Nothing's really making sense lately. I've been here before, and I keep coming back to maybe solve all this mess, but…"
He listens to the waves again.
"The more I come here, the louder the ocean sounds. I keep paying attention to it. I listen to what the waves say." He exhales. "I… I wonder what it's like. That deep… nothing of the water engulfing me. I feel its force against the hill. I hear it calling for me and getting closer every time." Steven locks his gaze with the ocean, deeper than the previous nights.
"Maybe… Maybe, if I joined them, I wouldn't feel anything. I wouldn't feel any pain. Maybe I would…" He leans more. "I would finally be at peace."
...
The breathing in the other end hitches. Lars doesn't say anything. Maybe out of shock.
"Sorry. I got myself caught up just now." Steven briefly dismisses his words, letting out a miserable snicker. "I haven't been sleeping too well lately."
"No- No, dude, I get it. I…" Lars takes a deep, painful breath. "Do you want me to get over there? We- We could talk about it. Or maybe not if you don't want to, but- I could go there right now and give you some company, it's not a problem. How does that sound?"
Steven is too enthralled in the blackness that he doesn't answer.
"Steven," Lars calls him, desperate. "Please, don't-" He exhales. "Don't do anything stupid 'till I get there, okay?" He hears shuffling and something falling and hitting the ground, Lars letting out a colorful curse. "Just give me a minute and I'll be right there, okay? Okay, Steven?"
The boy doesn't promise anything. He feels like he should but he doesn't. He knows Lars just wants to help.
His eyes burn pink.
He doesn't deserve it.
Steven hangs up before he gets any other answer. He can't…
He's tired. So, so tired. So very tired.
Someone going out of their way to help him, it sounds wrong.
This was a mistake. He shouldn't have called anyone.
Yet soon enough, he takes notice of a noise behind him. It's like the teleporting roar Lion lets out when he unexpectedly arrives home. It's then clear that it's not his big pink cat. The steps that rush over to him are clumsy before they stop dead in their tracks.
Steven shuts himself up and doesn't turn around. They don't say anything.
Lars approaches slowly.
"Hey," He whispers. Steven almost finds it tragically funny, the fact this is the first thing Lars says. But he doesn't blame him.
"... I'm sorry," Steven says. "You didn't have to come here."
"Don't worry about it. I wanted to be here." Lars breathes in and out. "I didn't wanna leave you alone."
Steven hums, barely acknowledging it.
Another silent minutes pass.
"Can I sit with you?"
The younger shrugs and frees some space next to him. Lars soon settles there, long, thin legs hanging over the cliff. Steven doesn't have enough force in him to tell him to go away. Lars could just teleport anywhere he wanted; and he's stubborn like the space captain that he is. Steven didn't want anyone else getting near the dark ocean, but… somewhere, he's relieved that Lars is there.
I don't wanna be alone right now. Isn't that awful?
He really is selfish.
Lars' gaze shifts between Steven's face and the void under them. He doesn't seem as tense as when he was on the phone.
"Do you…" The pink teenager clears his throat. "Do you wanna talk about it again? It's okay if you don't, though."
Steven shakes his head, quiet.
"Okay." His friend pauses. "Is there anything else I can do to help?"
Lars' voice is quiet and gentle, so gentle.
(Steven's eyes are like dams: they try hard to stand tall and stable.)
"No," He says. He adds, silent, "N-Nobody can."
Lars hums. "Well... I'd like to try."
Steven, for once, looks up. "Why?"
There's heartbreak in Lars' eyes. "Because I care, Steve. And you needed my help, or else you wouldn't have called me."
The other doesn't protest. He feels as if he were caught. On the other hand…
"You never did that."
"What?"
"... you never called me Steve before," Steven points out. He doesn't know why it suddenly means so much to him. "It's… It's nice."
Lars smiles. "Yeah. I like that, too. I think it suits you."
The sixteen-year-old barely returns the warmth that radiates from his friend. It's so unlike the coldness that comes from the ocean. From the crushing nothingness inside Steven.
"Lars?"
"Yeah?"
Pause.
"I… I want to die."
The word feels like poison in his mouth.
He feels Lars scooting closer to him, while still giving him space.
"But at the same time, I don't want to," Steven admits. "It doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah. I know it doesn't."
The way he answers it… Lars is familiar with the feeling. He said he has been here before. Did he ever find himself talking to the ocean, too?
There's a quiet sniff.
"Does it ever go away?" Steven wonders.
He gets nothing for a long time.
"I don't know," Lars answers honestly. He's always been honest. His reply is tragic and it hurts, bad . Steven appreciates it.
They're silent again.
"I'm… I-I'm scared," Steven whispers. "I keep thinking about it but I don't want to go. I'm so tired, Lars." His voice breaks at the last words. He's holding his own hands, as they tremble and crack. "I don't know what to do."
His friend watches patiently. Steven knows he's listening, so he doesn't demand an answer.
His eyes sting again.
"You don't have to know right now," Lars tells him. "You will, one day… but now, you won't. And while it doesn't feel okay, it's… okay, too. If that makes sense."
Steven contemplates. "That's probably the most sensical we'll get from this, right?"
The older boy smiles sadly. "Yeah. It sucks."
For once, Steven manages to give him a ghost of a smile. It doesn't last long, though.
The ocean is not too blaring right now; but it's there, surrounding him, still calling him. His sniff is empathic.
"Lars?"
"Hm?"
"Could you…" Steven swallows a hard lump in his throat. "Could you hug me?"
"Of course, bud. C'mere." They scoot closer until they're pressed against one another. Lars wraps his arms around him, whereas Steven doesn't have the strength to return it; which is why his request is more specific.
His gaze still falls back upon the ocean, yet he's grounded by the other's boy arms, by how tight and firm they are around his shoulders. Steven feels his friend's warmth more clearly now, and pays attention to his low heartbeats. It's the closest thing he finds that's alive. That's not entirely consumed by the void - but has been once, and might still be sometimes.
Steven raises one of his arms to grab Lars', to hold onto this.
"Hey, I… I don't know if I ever told you - with words at least -, but..." Lars begins. He sighs and squeezes him. "I love you, Steven."
He's speechless.
"I know that doesn't fix anything. I know it won't heal what is inside you," The pink boy clarifies. "But if you need help to carry that weight, then you can always count on me. Okay?"
Steven is…
There's a sob before he realizes it.
For the first time in months, Steven cries. Really cries.
Lars holds him and won't let go. He's muttering reassuring nonsense in his black curls, rubbing his back up and down. Steven hides himself in his friend's chest, no longer knowing whether he'll look at the stars or the void. What he knows is that he will be here right now, in Lars' arms.
Steven's heart beats again.