Into Esthar

by Chemotaxis

Set two and a half years after the Second Sorceress War. Squall and Seifer have moved on with their lives, but a chance encounter in Esthar confronts them with their past. Yaoi. Seifer/Squall. Written by Wolkje & Chemotaxis. WIP.

25. Estranged Friends

~ Chapter Twenty-Five - Estranged Friends ~

[Laundromat, Chimera District, Sunday, 26th of October, 10:27 am]

Checking the time on the dryer yet again, Seifer felt his whole body itch with impatience. Two weeks ago he'd never imagined seeing Squall again and now he loathed being away from the man for even one minute. He knew they had to pace themselves, that they couldn't just fuck continuously, but his body really hadn't caught on. Being allowed to fuck Squall and then having to do mundane chores was testing his patience like nothing else. Doing laundry definitely wasn't enough of a distraction. He wanted to be back at his apartment now.

He turned his back to the dryer and leaned against it. The numbers on the display were mocking him with the agonizingly slow passage of time. Every single fucking moment felt like an eternity. And then his phone buzzed in his pocket. He reached down quickly, hoping it was Squall.

- Message from Calder / 10:35 am / Where are you? -

Rolling his eyes, he swiped away the message only to spot seven missed calls from the man. Seven. And that was just since Friday. Calder wasn't exactly keeping it a secret that he felt neglected. Or that the man had been outright worried for him. Seifer huffed. Like hell anyone ever needed to worry about him. He'd been busy with Squall and everyone else would just have to wait. If anything, it reminded him of Rinoa when they'd started going out. It had driven him nuts. All that clinginess and constant attention seeking. He needed to draw a line. A spar or two and maybe a couple of hours of hanging out, but that would beit. As long as Squall was around, Calder would have to deal.

Moving on from his list of missed calls to recent calls instead, he spotted Rinoa's name at the top the list, reminding him of their talk just that Friday. So much had happened since then. His smile couldn't grow any wider. Squall was his now and he was allowed to touch, lick, and feel everywhere others could only dream of. His every fucking fantasy come true. Squall looked so fucking sexy when shooting his load. He felt his pants tighten. Not the fucking place, Almasy.

Quelling his straying thoughts, he instead scratched at his chin. He'd promised Rinoa to phone Squall's dad and while he was stuck in the laundromat, there wasn't really anything better to do. Any more daydreaming and he'd be in one hell of an awkward situation as well. He pushed away from the dryer. A Sunday morning would probably be the best time to disturb a president. Bringing up the man's contact information, he smirked at actually having the president's private number. It was beyond surreal. Almost as surreal as the man taking a liking to him. Not once had the man seemed reluctant or offhand when they'd met at the lab. None of Seifer's past had mattered. And it went both ways. He'd definitely taken a liking to the president as well. The only one who didn't seem keen on the man was his own son.

Seifer tapped his fingers against his thigh. It would be difficult to persuade Squall to have dinner at the palace. Squall didn't seem to have an interest in establishing any lasting connection with the man. But what Rinoa had said made sense. Family was a rare thing to come by for someone who'd grown up at Garden and Laguna seemed to genuinely care for Squall. It could be good for Squall and it would definitely be good for Seifer. Having the president owe him one was just the icing on the cake. It would be fun to watch father and son stumble through awkward social interactions and to get to know more about the president. Without doubt worth the hassle of setting it up. He pressed a button and waited for the call to go through.

A couple of seconds passed before the line was picked up. "Seifer? ...Is everything okay?"

Seifer grinned at Laguna's concern. "Squall's fine. We're both fine."

"Ah? That's a relief to hear. Training's going well then?"

"Very," Seifer confirmed. "We were out in the field most of yesterday. Lots of monsters. Lots of magic. We even got to summon our GFs," he said, wandering away from the drier to look out into the street. "I'm sure it won't be long until Squall's out doing missions again."

"Out in the field already? That's—that's wonderful news!" the president exclaimed, a relieved sigh leaving the man. "Truth be told, I wasn't expecting such promising results after Odine's tests."

"The pills are making one hell of a difference," Seifer said with a smile.

"There's a reason why I keep Odine around, despite his faults," Laguna replied knowingly. "His ethics are problematic, but he usually gets the job done." His voice grew stronger as he continued. "I've made it quite clear to him that you and Squall are to receive top priority treatment. If you need anything, just give him a call."

"Will do," Seifer said, hoping it wouldn't come to that. He had a short fuse to start with, but that bloody imp made it virtually non-existent. "Can't say I'm looking forward to going back there... But if there's a chance it'll help Squall, I'll deal."

"Don't leave yourself out of the equation. The doctor's there for the both of you," the president admonished gently. "So, monsters and GFs. It's good to hear you've made so much progress in so little time. There were no incidents with the GFs? Squall wasn't in pain like at the lab?"

"Nothing like at the lab at all. It was all great. Amazing in fact."

Seifer smile grew at the president's light laughter. "Anyway, that's actually not the reason I'm calling."

"No? What else is on your mind?"

"Dinner. If your offer still stands."

A brief pause was followed by a quick, excited rush of words. "Of course! I'll get Gabriel to cook up some wild game for us. You have to try his roast. Gabriel is my chef," Laguna added in a quick explanation. "When would you be able to make it? I don't have anything scheduled for tonight, if that would be possible? I know it's short notice, but I imagine Squall would want to pick up the package from Quistis sooner rather than later."

Seifer furrowed his brows, wondering what was in said package. "Tonight should work, sure," he said, unsurprised by how keen Laguna was. From what he'd seen at Odine's lab, the man would take anything and everything Squall would offer. "What time?"

"Would seven o'clock work? I'll let the guards and staff know to expect you," Laguna replied excitedly.

"We'll be there," Seifer said, half expecting Squall to throw a fit and refuse. Luckily, he could be just as stubborn as the Ice Prince and after last night he had a whole new range of tricks to resort to.

"Wonderful!" Laguna exclaimed. "Squall will know where to go."

"All right. See you then,"

"See you tonight!"

Grinning from ear to ear, Seifer couldn't believe he was going to be dining with the president of fucking Esthar. Trust Squall to land him in the most impossible of situations. And it would be impossible. He had no clue how the hell he'd manage to go a whole evening without fondling a certain brunet. He'd have to though. Trying to destroy the president's country was one thing, but sleeping with his son a different thing entirely. He'd have to tread carefully not to end up in a small cell at the bottom of the palace. He and Squall would just have to fuck like bunnies all afternoon to wear out their libidos. He couldn't fucking wait.

One issue remained, however. He'd have to persuade Mr. Unsociable himself to have dinner with his dad. Without seeming too much like a Rinoa wannabe. At least there was the excuse of the bag Squall had to pick up. And Seifer's inability to refuse a gourmet meal. Or just any free meal for that matter. He chuckled to himself as he checked the timer on the dryer and then his watch. Time to run one last errand while the dryer cycle finished up. And then it was finally time to head back and seduce Squall all over again.

~ o ~

[Seifer Almasy's Apartment, Zayin House, Sunday, 26th of October, 10:42 am]

Kneading his left temple absentmindedly, Squall stared at his laptop screen. His eyes kept lingering on sentences he'd read several times before without taking in their meaning, forcing him to backtrack more than once. Writing out the previous day's mission report had taken more time than usual, not just because of his distracted state of mind, but also because he needed to somehow include Seifer's presence that day without betraying the man's identity. It wasn't unheard of for SeeDs to temporarily cooperate with non-Garden field operatives and informants if the mission required it, or to even redact their true identities from official documents for protection, but he knew Quistis would be pouring over his every word and phrasing, trying to puzzle together what he wasn't telling her.

So he'd tried to stay as vague as possible without breaking any rules that would cost them their bonus. He owed as much to Seifer. For days now he'd been staying at the man's place, eating his food, wearing his clothes even. There was a limit to hospitality, but he didn't need to ask to know that Seifer would never accept an outright offer of money. A mission bonus would go some way in making up for his disruptive presence.

His efforts had done little however to distract himself. Without fail, his thoughts seemed intent on picking apart every little detail of all that had happened since last night. Part of him had trouble reconciling the things he'd done with how he saw himself. He'd never sought out sex in the past. He'd never imagined anything even remotely like this for himself. His own acquiescence astounded him; the uncanny ease with which he'd accepted adding a sexual aspect to his relationship with Seifer.

Between his unsatisfying experiences with Rinoa and this lust he felt for Seifer, it seemed to him that he should be more conflicted about his sexuality, only he wasn't. He doubted any of it had much to do with gender, nor was he in a hurry to label his proclivities one way or the other. Far more startling was the sudden discovery that he had a sexual appetite at all, let alone one of this intensity. He knew now that he could easily fall into a physical relationship that explored everything there was to explore if it was with Seifer.

Even worse. He wanted to.

Though he hadn't been a virgin, he'd come to fully appreciate how little he knew of sex. Was it like this for most people? Even though he had little experience to base much comparison on, it didn't seem possible. Were his responses normal? Was it normal to still be thinking of the way Seifer had touched him? He'd barely just left the bastard's bed and already he was longing to return to it. He hadn't even healed himself yet. He could still feel every painful twinge that stood testimony to their more recent activities, reminding him of just how much pleasure Seifer was capable of inflicting.

Hyne help him, he liked the way Seifer had taken ownership of his body. He'd accepted every new thing the man had introduced with utter abandon. When Seifer touched him, all sense of propriety went out the window. His carefully assembled shields shattered, leaving him bared and vulnerable. Yet at the same time, he couldn't remember when he'd felt more alive, more strong and in touch with his primal self than when Seifer was fucking him, pushing him past pain into ecstasy.

Sex with Seifer was like a battlefield. Like the most intense of their spars. It was rough, powerful and intoxicating. It was apparently also the only thing he was able to think about anymore.

Shaking his head, Squall sat straighter and glared at his laptop, as if it were to blame for not being as interesting as Seifer. Having already written the bulk of the mission report, all he had to look forward to until the man's return was more inane paperwork that wasn't even all that pressing. He let out a sigh and took a big gulp from his lukewarm cup of coffee. He was hopeless. Whenever his mind wasn't descending into the gutter, it seemed intent on returning to the puzzle of Seifer's scar.

How anyone could survive an injury like that was beyond him. He was certain the scar didn't predate the war and it wasn't likely to have happened after either, with Seifer avoiding dangerous encounters due to his magic. It had to be from during the war. It had to have been bad.

He'd never ask about the story behind it. The last thing he wanted was to bring up potentially harrowing memories that would send the man running again. There was also no point in worrying about something long past and done. There was only one thing he could do and that was to respect the boundaries Seifer set for him. From now on he'd simply avoid touching the scar during any of their future encounters.

An odd anticipation surged through him at the prospect despite his concern. It had been like that ever since Seifer had left the apartment, his mind flung between worry and an ever persistent desire that refused to loosen its grip. At least he felt fairly certain now that this attraction between them hadn't run its course yet for Seifer either, the man still seeming very much interested. Thinking ahead to their day, he was impatient to get on with their training. And maybe...

He groaned, dropping his head back against the couch. His mind hadn't hesitated in the slightest with offering up suggestions of what they might do after their training. This was insane. If he'd had any clean training gear left, he would've already been out the door to work off this pent-up energy. Better that than to be a slave to his own libido.

Back during his cadet days he'd never understood how some of his peers had let their grades and performance slide because of something as idiotic as infatuation; because they'd spent all of their waking hours with a fling. Now it seemed like a very real and immediate danger. He refused to go down the same path. The moment Seifer returned, they'd go training. He wouldn't let Seifer get them off track. And for now he resigned himself to finishing his report. He wasn't going to become any more of a burden to Quistis than he already was.

Leaning in to double-check the mission data in the file, it took Squall a formidable amount of effort to keep himself focused on the task at hand, but in the end he managed it through sheer willpower. Every time his mind strayed, he dragged it right back to the dull world of SeeD operative reviews and mission request forms. No one even expected him to do most of this, not since Quistis had gotten him an assistant to keep him from losing his mind. But at the moment it was all he had; all that stood between him and unacceptable loss of self-discipline. With a singleness of mind he rarely applied to paperwork, he became so absorbed that he actually managed to startle when a knock sounded at the door.

"Seifer, if you're in there, open up right now."

Recognizing the demanding voice as Calder's, Squall let out a sigh and closed his laptop to protect the sensitive Garden files from prying eyes. It seemed that whenever he was left alone at Seifer's place, people inevitably showed up to disrupt his peace. He pushed up from the couch and walked to the front door that was still being assaulted with insistent knocks. Opening the door, he met Calder's quizzical gaze without greeting.

"Hey," Calder said, before temporarily losing his ability to speak at the sight that greeted him. The SeeD Commander was clad in only boxers and a shirt, the man's neckline displaying a couple of prominent hickeys. And he knew exactly who'd put them there.

"Is he here?" he asked, trying hard not to betray his shock. From what Seifer had told him, he hadn't expected for anything to happen between Seifer and Squall despite how much the two obviously cared for each other. For things to have turned sexual so quickly… Squall definitely wasn't as straight as Seifer had assumed. At least he knew why he'd been ignored now.

"He's out."

Calder persisted despite the curt reply. "Where did he go?"

"Groceries and laundry."

"Guess he shouldn't be long then. Mind if I come in?"

Sorely tempted to reply he would in fact mind, Squall reined in the urge to frown and wordlessly stepped out of the way, allowing Seifer's friend entry.

Entering the apartment despite Squall's rather lukewarm reception, Calder spotted Garden's logo on a laptop on the coffee table along with a half eaten breakfast. Maybe he'd interrupted important garden work and that was why Squall seemed less than pleased? Or maybe he still hadn't been forgiven for the poor first impression he'd made. Either that, or Squall really was as appalling at dealing with strangers as Seifer had said.

Walking over to the kitchen, he grabbed a glass from one of the cupboards and poured himself some water. Turning around, he shifted into a comfortable lean against the kitchen counter. He wouldn't let the Commander deter him. If the brunet was going to be part of Seifer's life, then he needed to get to know the man. "So what've you guys been up to? I haven't been able to reach Seifer for days."

Setting himself back down at the coffee table, Squall glanced at Calder. "Training," he said after a moment. "When he's off work." He wasn't sure what Calder knew about Seifer's past and magic abilities, and he wouldn't be the one to unintentionally disclose secrets.

"And he didn't even find the time to call me back?" Calder said, rolling his eyes, certain the hickeys on Squall's neck had one or two things to do with Seifer's apparent distraction. At least they were both okay, despite how grim Seifer had sounded the last time they'd spoken. "Have you been training at the SCTA?"

Thinking better of mentioning the warehouse, lest he bring up the topic of why they chose such a place, Squall simply nodded. "Hunting too," he added in afterthought, figuring Seifer might need the alibi to avoid any nagging.

"Hunting?" Calder said, raising an eyebrow. He'd never gone hunting with Seifer himself. Apart from Seifer's apparent excitement at the prospect of taking Nolan out for a hunt the other day, he'd never known it was something Seifer enjoyed. They'd always stuck to sparring. "Where did you go?"

"Behema Sands."

Calder looked at the man more closely. Behema Sands was a high-risk location well known for its infestation of ridiculously strong monsters. "Were you hunting anything in particular?"

Squall shrugged. "Whatever put up a good fight."

Calder raised an eyebrow again. He wouldn't happily go slaying monsters for a whole day without a care himself. "Did he use his GFs?"

Squall cast Calder a wary look at that. So the man knew that much. "The desert's a good place for it," he said noncommittally, hoping the man wasn't just baiting him for answers.

"I never knew he had any of those magical beings. Or that he could even use magic," Calder said, somewhat regretful that Seifer had never felt he could confide in him about his past. Despite their easy going relationship and their heavy focus on the physical side of things, he considered Seifer his closest friend. Maybe Seifer still saw him as one of those sheltered Estharians the man always liked to complain about, and he couldn't even really blame the man.

"I have to admit all the stuff I've learned this last week has been quite a ride. I thought Sorceresses were a thing of the past. Dealt with. I didn't even know knights existed," he said, still not really having come to terms with it all. How could someone so normal looking be a Sorceress? "Never thought I'd meet the SeeD Commander either," he added, sending the man in question a disbelieving smile.

Stilling at the unexpected stream of knowledge, Squall studied Calder intently. The words implied Calder knew about Rinoa, and possibly about Seifer's time as a knight. If so, then the relaxed stance and smile suggested the man didn't realize just what such information could do in the wrong hands. Both Seifer and Rinoa's safety in Esthar hinged solely on the fact that nobody knew who or what they were.

"None of this can get out," Squall said, his voice hard as he stared the other man down stonily.

Calder straightened from his relaxed position. The threat beneath Squall's words hung heavy in the air. Goosebumps lined his arms as he remembered the brunet in front of him commanded an army. The man's authority was clear. "It won't," he promised.

"Good," Squall said without a trace of easing up.

Rooted in place for a moment, Calder was slow to nod his understanding. When Squall broke their locked gaze and leaned back, apparently satisfied for the moment, Calder breathed a silent sigh of relief and turned to rinse the glass he'd been drinking from. Leaving it by the side of the sink to dry, he pushed away thoughts of just how Squall would exact his revenge if he was to betray the man's trust.

Where the hell could they go from here? Squall obviously didn't like him, the man not very good at hiding his annoyance with him. He recalled the words Seifer had spoken less than a week ago. He doesn't play well with others. He hadn't understood at the time how a commander could afford to be this bad with people, but he was starting to understand it now. Squall didn't need to make friends to keep people in line.

But Calder wasn't a Garden subordinate. He was Seifer's friend. Trying to quell any instinct to view Squall as a high-ranking officer and instead treat him as someone he wanted to get to know, social ineptitude and all, he relaxed his stance and turned back around. Walking across the room, he sat down on the couch as well, leaving a decent bit of space between them. "Has Seifer shown you any of the gunblades he's made?"

Swallowing down a mouthful of lukewarm coffee, Squall glanced at Calder with a raised eyebrow. The man was more tenacious than he'd anticipated. "Only Kronos."

"It's a beautiful blade," Calder said, remembering just how taken away he'd been when Seifer had first shown it to him. He settled into the couch a bit more. "He made my blade as well," he said, wishing he'd brought it along so he could've shown it. "Arc probably had a hand in it though… Seifer hadn't been there that long when I commissioned it." He seemed to have finally caught the Commander's attention. "The one in the gunblade room at the SCTA, just to the right of Hyperion, is Seifer's too. Kronos's precursor. You can really see the progression."

When Squall didn't say anything in return, Calder realized he'd have to end everything with a question. At least he had a ton of questions he wanted to ask. "Did he ever think about becoming a weaponsmith back at Garden?"

Accepting he wouldn't get any more work done while Calder was around, Squall leaned back and gave a slight shake of the head. "Not that I know of." He highly doubted it in fact. In hindsight it was obvious that Seifer's ambitions had outgrown the goal of becoming an ordinary SeeD operative, but he didn't think forging weapons had ever been part of Seifer's plans.

"I still can't imagine him as a Garden cadet," Calder said, the concept of strict order and obedience just not meshing with the Seifer he knew. "Did he actually manage to follow the rules?"

Squall let out a soft huff as he thought back to their cadet days. "Those he agreed with." Seifer had made an art out of evading punishment and bending the rules to his benefit. To this day he didn't understand how the man had managed to convince the faculty to make him head of the Disciplinary Committee.

"That sounds about right," Calder said with a light chuckle. "And scarily similar to my brother," he continued. Nolan always knew exactly how to finagle his way out of tight spots. "You know, the brat you had to deal with in the main training hall Friday eve. He's one of Seifer's students."

"I didn't see him in Seifer's class."

"Yeah, he's quite bad when it comes to that," Calder said, unable to quell a wave of embarrassment on his brother's behalf. "He thinks he's beyond the need of classes or at least good enough to not need all of them. I'm kind of hoping he'll end up dropping out. I never liked him taking up the gunblade in the first place. Guess you always want to look out for your loved ones."

Squall frowned at Calder's interpretation of protecting someone. To deny someone proper training could only be detrimental to their safety, keeping them weak and defenseless. Incomplete training was even worse. It led to a false sense of competence that more often than not ended up in accidents. "Half-assed skills are the real danger," he said evenly. He was surprised Seifer let the kid get away with such disrespect.

"True. Though if my brother quit and got a normal job, his skills with a gunblade wouldn't matter at all and I'd sleep much better at night. I guess the odds of that actually happening are quite low with him being unable to sit still, huh?" Calder said, not expecting a reply. "Hey, how did you realize you wanted to be a gunblader?"

Squall considered the question, thinking back to those simpler days. He'd lacked ambition and direction back then, something Seifer had had in spades. Taking up the gunblade had been a way to try and catch up with the older boy, to prove himself Seifer's equal. It was only much later he could admit to himself that the choice had been informed by equal parts admiration and fear of being left behind.

"Cadets choose their weapon at age ten," Squall replied. "The gunblade was Seifer's idea. He was a year ahead of me."

Studying Squall closely, Calder couldn't believe his own ears. "You chose to specialize in gunblades because of Seifer?" he asked, both of his eyebrows raised high. It was mind boggling to learn that Seifer had had such an impact on the famous commander. Squall had told him they went far back, but he hadn't realized just how close they'd been. "How come you guys lost contact?"

The brunet didn't answer right away, regarding him with a cool gaze. "That's not for me to share."

Sighing inwardly, Calder realized he shouldn't have asked the question, however curious he was. Seifer was extremely loyal to Squall and he shouldn't have expected the brunet to be any different. "You're right," he admitted.

Squall relaxed when Calder finally fell silent. The man was overly familiar and nosy, having drained him of his patience rather quickly. Leaning over to take his laptop, he hoped against hope for the man to stay quiet until Seifer's return. Then he'd be Seifer's problem.

Turning his eyes to his report, Squall tried to pick up his work despite the slight fidgeting that interrupted the silence every now and then along with his focus. After days of close companionship with Seifer, Calder's proximity felt like an intrusion in comparison, making him realize just how utterly Seifer had inserted himself into his personal space. In any other situation he would've left to be by himself, but he could hardly lock himself into the bedroom or leave the apartment without any clothes to speak of.

The ring tone of his cell phone cut through his thoughts, stilling his fingers against the keyboard. Suppressing a sigh, he pushed up from the couch and moved to where he'd hung his leather jacket by the door. Retrieving his phone from the left pocket, he glanced at the display.

"Rinoa," he greeted, steeling himself for another wearisome conversation.

"Hi, Squall." Unlike their previous calls, the girl sounded almost calm, nothing hinting at her state of mind. "...How have you been?"

At the mandatory inquiry, he supplied an even, "Okay." Not wanting Calder to overhear what Rinoa said, he walked to the kitchen and leaned back against the counter. "You?"

A brief silence fell before Rinoa answered with light humor in her tone. "Okay." Another hesitance, before she continued, "I'm not the one coping with having to retrain. Laguna called me. He said you're training with Seifer every morning?"

Hardly surprised anymore that those three were keeping each other in the loop, with or without his agreement, he resigned himself to forced honesty. "So far, yes."

"I'm not interrupting your training now, am I?" came the apologetic reply.

"No. We're running late today."

"I see... Is he around?"

"Not right now." When no reply came, his brow scrunched in slight confusion. "Rinoa?"

"Yes, sorry... So, uh, the reason I called... Unless you're running really late with your training, maybe you could come by the penthouse this afternoon? There's a few things I'd like to talk over with you and I have some papers for you to sign."

"What papers?"

"To end the lease of the penthouse," Rinoa replied, a firmness entering her voice. "The landlord brought them by for you to sign."

"You're moving," Squall concluded, unsure what to think of the new development. She had spent weeks looking for just the right place and nearly as long to adjust it to her taste.

"Looks like it. It's one of the things I'd like to discuss with you. I'll be at the penthouse all day today. You think you'll have some time to drop by?"

"This afternoon should be fine," he replied, hoping she had decided to take him up on his offer to help. Either way, Seifer had already mentioned he'd have to go in to work on the chakram for Fujin in the afternoon, so he'd have the time.

"...Good. Just send me a message when you're on your way." After his agreeing hum, he was certain the girl would continue with a meddling question, but Rinoa simply added, "I won't keep you any longer then. Good luck with your training."

Not having expected such an easy conversation, Squall frowned in suspicion.

"Bye Squall."

When the line went dead, he stared at his cell before placing it on the counter. There was no point in trying to guess what she had to say, or where she would move to. He'd hear it that afternoon.

Watching Squall by the kitchen counter, Calder gave the brunet a short while to gather his thoughts before speaking the question that had been on his mind since he'd last seen the girl. "How is she?"

At the question, Squall realized he didn't know. He could repeat her claim that she was okay, but he knew well enough from experience that such a reply usually meant bigger issues were being skirted. Not that he had tried to find out more. Pushing back from the counter to collect his dirty dishes on the coffee table, Squall replied evenly, "I'll find out."

"You going to see her this afternoon? Was that why she called?"

Straightening with his breakfast leftovers in hand, Squall looked at Calder. Giving a hum of confirmation, he turned round and made for the kitchen sink.

Calder pondered whether to say anything or not, but it was obvious Seifer hadn't yet, so chances were the blond wouldn't. "Piece of advice... You might want to take a look in the mirror before you go. I doubt she'd appreciate what Seifer's been busy doing to your neck."

Only through great effort did Squall manage to keep his stride from faltering as mortification washed over him. Setting down the dishes in the sink with a forced calm he didn't feel, he wasted an inward curse on the bastard who had landed him in this predicament, before reminding himself of his own eager participation in receiving the marks. Not used to having to hide such things, he'd forgotten all about them.

Junctioning Shiva, he ignored her amusement and cast a Cure to remove all signs of his morning's debauchery. The magic coursed through him in a quick flash, taking with it the dull throb along his neckline. The damage was done however. He hadn't counted on anyone finding out about this, let alone a stranger he hardly knew. He didn't like the unsurprised nature of Calder's remark either, as if it was a common occurrence. Quelling any uncharitable thoughts towards the man who knew entirely too much about his personal life, he turned on the tap and started to wash his plate and mug.

Eyes trained on where he'd just watched the glow of magic, Calder forced his body to relax. It had been ingrained in him since childhood just how unnatural magic and its practitioners were. He still couldn't get his head around Seifer being able to use magic and here he was, watching the most dangerous man on the planet use magic to get rid of hickeys. It was all too surreal.

"How long are you staying for?" he asked, wondering just how used to this he would have to get.

Squall's brow twitched at yet another question the man had little business asking. "I'm not sure."

"No missions lined up?"

Setting away the dishes, Squall cast Calder a sideward glance and wondered whether the man wanted him gone. Most Estharians would. "No," he replied evenly.

Calder was fairly certain that was a completely new experience for the Commander, with how busy the man sounded from all the rumors. "Sick leave?"

"Something like it," Squall replied, frowning in distaste.

"Bet you're itching to get back," Calder said as he tried to read the brunet's expression. "I'm sure Seifer will be happy to provide lots of distraction though," he added with a smile he didn't feel. Met with a steely gaze, he sighed softly and leaned back to relax against the couch. Things had changed so much in just little over a week. Seifer hadn't really had time for him and when they'd actually been together, all the man's thoughts had been focused on the commander.

When Seifer had been out on a long trip to collect smithing materials, he'd looked forward to Seifer's return so much. Weeks had passed without a word from the blond and when he'd finally heard from him and had been promised a night of sex Squall had shown up. Since then everything had changed. The smile on his lips faltered. He hadn't even been granted as much as a kiss. Not that they'd kissed much before, but he could admit that he missed Seifer's hands and lips on him. The realization that Seifer could actually be so focused on someone had hit him hard just days previous. He'd thought he'd known Seifer. That the man was all about sex, never about relationships. And as long as he got some of what Seifer had to offer, he was happy. That, and he'd been safe in the position as Seifer's preferred choice for a night of sex. Not anymore.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay indifferent. He was no longer Seifer's first choice. In fact he wasn't even really considered an option anymore. And the man who had taken his place left him perplexed. How could anyone start something with someone so socially inept? How could Seifer prefer Squall? He couldn't help the slowly building wish for Squall to leave. For things to go back to the way they had been. But he knew that if he wanted to stay in Seifer's life, he'd have to tread carefully. If he voiced any of these emerging thoughts, he'd immediately be shown the door. Already, Seifer hadn't replied to his messages or phone calls. He was on precarious ground.

Relieved when Calder fell into a thoughtful silence, Squall let out an inaudible sigh. Maneuvering his way through social conventions and unwanted conversations like this always left him weary. He'd gotten used to his friends understanding him, their easy acceptance of his nature and his need for space. Even Loire had learned to tone things down after a while. At least it seemed like Calder was refraining from any further attempts at conversation for the time being.

Not about to complain, he glanced to where his laptop was sitting. Seifer might still be a while and with Calder around it wasn't likely they'd leave for training soon. Deciding to get his second-in-command off his back, he retrieved his laptop and glasses to go over the newly proposed mission roster Xu had sent him for November. Sitting himself at the other end of the couch, he nudged his glasses into place and quickly assumed a properly engrossed expression to deter any more questions from the man next to him.

Xu's emails however were far from engrossing, each and every one of them labeled 'URGENT'. At least Quistis had the sense to be a bit more nuanced. His determination plummeted when he opened the new mission roster and realized his name wouldn't be on it. The occasional hour of administrative work had become all the more boring since Seifer was back in his life, as if he'd come to expect the man to interrupt and suggest something infinitely more interesting.

Catching his thoughts wandering to Seifer again, Squall frowned. If someone ever asked how he'd gotten himself into this mess, 'I couldn't help myself' would apparently be the useless reply. As his eyes skimmed over the new mission requests, he tried to shake the return of his unease... But then a new email announced its arrival with a flickering icon, the subject line's abundant use of exclamation marks and capital letters betraying its sender.

Selphie. He should've known the girl would get back to him quickly.

—

You remembered email is a thing now?! SO PSYCHED!

—

Hello stranger! You know I had to pinch myself, right? An email? From my elusive Commander?

Here I was, ready to come and kidnap you out of B-Garden's overprotective clutches! Way to leave a girl in the dark, man. What's all this I've been hearing about you and Rinnie and sick leave? I can sooo imagine Quistis popping a fuse after what you've been up to. So sneaky…

WAIT! Before you click me away!

I'm not gonna nag your head off to tell me all about it. I'll leave that to Quistie :3 All I have to say is this. Don't you dare hole up in Esthar to go find yourself or something stupid like that! Shit happens, and hey, it's Rinnie's loss, right? Don't make me come bust you out of there! Or better even, get the gang together and haul your ass back to Garden. It's been a while since our last reunion party after all. Remember Irvine's face when Zell threw up in his new hat?

Now that was priceless.

But, I digress!

I added the stuff you asked for in an attachment to this mail. The pics are all numbered in order, chronologically. I just had to add the pictures of Zell's birthday party. XD That picture of Zell with the hat was my wallpaper for over a month! I also put up my journal as a joint online document for all of us. So, we can all add whatever we want, whenever we feel like it. Don't worry! I've got this motherfucker encrypted to hell and back, so it's our eyes only. The link is at the end of the email. I'll keep an eye out for your eloquent entries. :P

That's all, I guess.

Stay on top of your game, Squall, and we'll stay on top of ours. Hang in there!

*** BEAR HUG ***

—

After a moment of fondness for Selphie's far from coddling ways and a thanks to Hyne that the girl was all the way in Trabia for the moment, Squall downloaded the folder with pictures onto his laptop. A small collection of photographs had survived the orphanage's years of vacancy, which Selphie had supplemented with a handful of archived Garden class pictures and a steady stream of pictures that chronicled their more recent activities, along with her journal entries. As their self-appointed archivist, Selphie was determined not to let their past slip into forgotten memories a second time.

It had been a while since he'd seen those pictures himself. After the war he'd used them as triggers to help recover his memory, but later he'd refused Selphie's offer to print some out for him. Quickly, he'd become unable to let his gaze linger on any of the pictures that had Seifer in them. But things were different now. After Seifer's mixed reaction to learning about the orphanage, he'd contacted Selphie. He'd decided to keep the pictures on hand for when the man might need them.

His fingers flew over the keyboard as he typed his thanks to Selphie and clicked on 'send'. He knew the girl wouldn't tell the others about his odd request, let alone pry herself. Talkative and exuberant as she was, Selphie was the most likely of their gang to keep confidence. She had little patience with drama that didn't involve a stage and even less with gossip; two traits he greatly appreciated.

A series of footsteps and the jangle of keys pulled Squall from his thoughts. Next to him, Calder stirred as well, putting a damper on the anticipation that surged through him. Frowning at his rising heartbeat, he forced his gaze onto his laptop screen.

Entering his apartment, Seifer froze into place. He almost wanted to step back out and make sure he hadn't just walked into an alternate reality where Squall and Calder were actually sitting on the same couch. One lost to work, the other staring straight at him.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath, readjusting his precarious hold on the several bags of groceries. He'd completely forgotten to return Calder's calls after his conversation with Laguna. He should've fucking figured Calder would turn up when the man didn't get a reply. Leading to this. Calder and Squall. Alone. Together. Hyne knew Squall would be in a pissy mood by now, leaving any chances of fooling around in the near future very slim.

"I'm fine," Seifer said with an eyeroll, shouldering the door closed behind him. At least he assumed that was why Calder was there.

"I know," Calder replied, raising an eyebrow. "It's easy enough to put two and two together."

Seifer chuckled but refrained from making light of the situation when he spotted the ominous twitch to Squall's brow. He hadn't missed how Squall had healed all evidence of what they'd been doing. Not the best of signs, but he wasn't about to make any excuses to either man when he felt no guilt whatsoever.

"Why are you here then?" he asked, handing over the groceries when Calder got up to help.

"Had to make sure. That and I thought I'd try and persuade you for a spar or to hang out some."

"Sorry, Buttercup, but we've got plans all day," Seifer said, more than eager for it to be just him and Squall again.

"Seriously?" Calder demanded, annoyed to be pushed aside again. His patience was finally wearing thin. He set down the groceries on the counter with a sigh.

Seifer shrugged. "If you want, you can make yourself useful and stay for lunch. Those grocery bags have everything needed for sandwiches," he said, nodding at the bags. "I need to dump these in the bedroom," he added, jostling the duffle bags slung across his shoulder.

"Sure, whatever," Calder said without much enthusiasm. It was obvious Seifer was just throwing him a bone, but he couldn't help himself from seizing the chance to be with the blond.

Seifer turned to look at Squall. Anticipation charged through him when their gazes met, strengthening his resolve to get their day back on track; the way he'd intended. No more interruptions after this, and no more fucking chores.

"Come on. I've got some clean clothes for you," he said, gesturing for Squall to follow him.

Entering the bedroom, he dropped the bags at the end of the bed and started to empty them. The door behind him gave a slight creak as Squall entered as well, but the brunet only spared him a fleeting look before heading straight for his own duffel bag. Seifer walked over and nudged the door shut.

If Squall had noticed the door closing, the man wasn't letting on as he continued to lay out his clothes at the end of the bed. Stopping right behind Squall, Seifer breathed in slowly before placing his hands on Squall's hips. Leaning in so their bodies were touching, he placed his cheek against Squall's. "Would've been more fun if it was just you and me."

Finding himself agreeing wholeheartedly, Squall fought the urge to lean back in Seifer's hold. This hadn't been his intention when joining Seifer in the bedroom. He needed to get dressed; not whatever this was. Unfortunately his self-control was no match for Seifer, their brief separation filled with heated fantasies not helping one bit. He bit back a groan when Seifer started to slowly run his hands up and down his thighs, just close enough to his groin to titillate, but not nearly enough to satisfy.

"Seifer," he hissed out in a feeble attempt at dissuasion, but unable to move away.

"Mmm?" Seifer intoned, moving his right hand closer and running the side of his thumb along Squall's length. "I could suck you off," he whispered against Squall's ear. "Right here," he added and nipped at Squall's earlobe. "If you dare."

Squall cursed inwardly as Seifer started to kiss down his neck. He really wasn't ready to find out whether the bastard could actually entice him into a tryst with the man's friend right next door. "Don't you dare."

Letting out a brief chuckle against the nape of Squall's neck, Seifer tightened his grip on Squall's hips and placed a slow lick against taut skin before he let go. "He won't stay long."

Turning around, Squall managed a weak glare as he slowly regained his senses. The pleased grin on Seifer's face told him this little game had been entirely intentional, but the realization did little to alleviate his arousal. There was no hiding from Seifer's knowing gaze as it swept over the slight tenting of his boxers. To Squall's dismay, the bastard himself looked far too unaffected. His frown deepened when Seifer leaned in for a kiss he had no hope of denying. He would've completely lost himself to the sensation of licks and nibbles, if it hadn't been for the maddening grin he could still feel on Seifer's lips.

Well aware that if he spent another second kissing Squall he'd never make it out of there, Seifer pulled back. The breathless sigh that left Squall in response was far too sexy, making it the feat of the century when he turned around and left the aroused lion hanging. Shit, only Squall could make a withering glare look like foreplay. Would it even be that bad if Calder overheard them? If the man walked in on them? Yes, his mind supplied immediately. He wouldn't share Squall with anyone. Only he was allowed to see Squall's when the man's cock was jerking in ecstasy.

Stamping out any remains of arousal, Seifer entered the living room. He couldn't quite hide his satisfaction at just how pliant Squall had been when he joined Calder in the kitchen however.

"Dare I ask what you guys were up to in there?" Calder asked, regarding the enormous smirk plastered on the blond's lips.

"Not much," Seifer replied as he started chopping some vegetables, but his smirk didn't abate. "Kept it perfectly respectable."

Calder rolled his eyes. "That sounds unlikely."

"Hey, come on. The man's just getting dressed."

"And he needed help with that?" Calder asked, raising an eyebrow.

Smiling, Seifer shrugged. "He travels light. Had to make a run to the laundromat."

Calder huffed as he folded the paper bags for recycling. "I'm sure that's the only reason he's wearing your underwear."

Seifer chuckled. "You know I've always loved your dirty mind."

Feeling at ease for all of a moment, lured into their usual relaxed conversation, Calder felt a twinge of loneliness. What he wouldn't give to draw the blond into the bedroom later on for a bout of uninhibited sex. No cares, no worries, just sex. Instead Seifer would lure Squall in there and the man probably wouldn't even appreciate it half as much.

"You okay?" Seifer asked, pulling Calder out of his straying thoughts.

Calder gave a brief nod. "Yeah, you know…" he said as he put the leftovers they wouldn't need back into the fridge. He'd have to get used to it. He'd already tried. Friday evening had been spent with a drugged up mind and mad sex. It had been fine without Seifer. It had been fine when Seifer had been out on the road too. He just missed it.

"So, what've you been up to?" Seifer asked, unused to Calder being so reticent.

"Not much. I've been pretty bored to be perfectly honest," Calder answered. "Spent all of yesterday with Nolan and all he could talk about was your promise to go on that trip out of Esthar."

"And all you could think about was calling me, apparently."

"I'm never going to hear the end of that, am I?" Calder said, sighing in mock exasperation.

"No," Seifer said with a chuckle. "You gotta admit, seven times is pretty needy."

"Yeah, well, it's your own damn fault for making me worry," Calder said, getting some glasses out to pour their drinks. "So, Squall said you two have been busy training and hunting?"

"Hn. Yeah. That and work. Been pretty hectic."

Calder raised an eyebrow at the lazy explanation. "You could've invited me to tag along, you know."

Seifer suppressed a frown, realizing just how true Calder's words were. He was saved from coming up with an immediate reply however when Squall entered the living room and spared them both a glance. If the man had overheard, he clearly didn't care. Left to fend for himself, Seifer failed to come up with a good excuse. Even if the thought to invite Calder had actually occurred to him, he never would have. Yesterday had been for Squall and himself only.

"Think you could have handled it?" he asked instead, attempting to sidetrack Calder.

"Handle it?" Calder repeated with a raised eyebrow. "First you completely forget about me, but now you're questioning my skills? You're lucky I'm not a jealous man, Almasy."

Seifer laughed as he placed some cartons of milk in the fridge. "Jealous? You do realize that if you were jealous you'd have to take it up with the guy over there," he said cocking his head in Squall's direction. "And that wouldn't be very wise now, would it?"

Huffing at the ridiculous conversation, Squall headed over to the couch to sit down and resume his work. As if he would ever fight anyone for the privilege to hang out with Seifer. He tuned out their inane conversation and left the two men to the task of preparing lunch. Turning on his laptop, he keyed in the password only to immediately spot the eagerly flashing icon of a newly received email, labeled with the promising subject title of "I'm booooooored!" There was only one person who would send him a message like that.

I know you're there! I'm bored and you must be too if you've got your laptop on. Open a chat link! Like, now.

Squall contemplated his options. He wasn't in a particularly sociable mood after having endured the two idiots in the room, but if anyone could distract him it would be Selphie; not mission rosters. He cast a glance towards the kitchen. Seifer and Calder stood with their backs turned to him, working side by side companionably and talking about inconsequential things that luckily didn't involve him.

A third email from Selphie flashed on his screen then, labeled "Don't make me hack your laptop!"

I know for a fact that Garden administration can't possibly be more interesting than me.

Squall decided he might as well. It didn't look like Calder was going anywhere soon. Huffing at Seifer's earlier statement that the man wouldn't stay long, Squall looked back to his laptop and opened a chat window. He raised an eyebrow at Selphie's choice of handle.

S.L. I think I missed the wedding.

Miss Kinneas Oh, the name? That's just to rattle Irvie's cage. My sweet revenge for those twins' asses he's been ogling. Nothing makes that man sweat like the sound of wedding bells.

S.L. You said this would be interesting.

Miss Kinneas Love you too, meanie :D Good to know you can still tell boring from fun! There's hope for you yet.

Sooo... What are you up to?

Looking up at Seifer's back, he didn't dare imagine Selphie's reaction should he tell her the truth. Even he couldn't quite believe what he'd been up to these past few days.

S.L. November's mission roster.

Miss Kinneas You owe me then for my divine intervention!
You know, I've had my eyes on this new set of explosives. Pretty high tech.

S.L. I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Miss Kinneas Funny. I swear Irvine said the same thing this morning. Well, be stingy then if you dare ;P

Guess what! The picture I put up on Garden's forum of Zell and Irvine's hat already got 53 hits!

link address

Bored cadets and their classroom consoles; the best combo ever! This is gonna spread like wildfire!

Aren't you going to ask?

S.L. Why did you post the picture?

Miss Kinneas The budget of the explosives department got cut back because he requested the development of humanoid holos to add to the training centers! That costs tons! It's not my fault his students can't throw a decent punch.

Good thing I have lots of embarrassing pictures :D

Deciding to help Zell out before the situation got out of hand, Squall quickly typed his answer. He knew from experience that Selphie never made idle threats.

S.L. I'll talk to Quistis.

Miss Kinneas I knew you were the right man to talk to!

So, anyone you have a pickle with? Like, evil exes for instance. I'm sure I can help you out!

Squall sighed at the unavoidable topic and the pang of guilt he felt for misleading his friends like this. He could only surmise they all thought he was heartbroken, going by what little he'd heard from Quistis. The truth was less flattering. Ever since he'd started to take Odine's pills, he hadn't really felt the absence of the bond at all anymore. Without the pain or distress of the broken bond, his thoughts about Rinoa were fleeting at best. He'd moved on far more quickly than he'd thought himself capable of. If anything, it was Seifer that posed the problem now and not Rinoa. Trusting his friend not to pry too deeply, he hoped a lighter tone would appease the woman.

S.L. I'm fine on the revenge front.

Miss Kinneas Ah, I hear ya. Let's be friends, right? Good for you. Not so good for my plans... I'll store away my C-4 charges then.

And the blackmail pictures.

S.L. It's not Rinoa's fault.

Miss Kinneas I know. Hell, I threaten to blow up Irvie on a daily basis. That man is exasperating!

I was just trying to cheer you up.

Did it work?

S.L. You forget blowing things up only works for you.

Miss Kinneas Whatever you say :D I know I made the corners of those lips twitch. Don't you dare deny it.

Suppressing the curl of his lips, Squall felt a small burden lift from his shoulders when he realized Selphie wasn't going to blame him. Not for being a distant friend. Not for lying. Not even for getting involved with Seifer, should the unlikely turn of events ever get out. She'd just as easily accept Seifer back into her life, he realized. If Seifer would ever be interested in getting to know the people he'd grown up with at the orphanage, Selphie would be the best first step down that road.

As Seifer finished up making the last sandwich, a ping sounded once more. Pausing, he looked over his shoulder to where Squall was sitting. The sound was coming from Squall's laptop. While he had no computer of his own, he recognized the familiar sound well enough from the many times he'd interrupted Doreen slacking off in her office at the SCTA. "Don't tell me you're actually chatting," he said in disbelief.

"I'll turn the sound off," was Squall's simple answer.

At the lack of a denial or explanation, Seifer turned around to better study the brunet. He knew Squall had friends now, but he still couldn't quite reconcile Squall's taciturn nature with the man actually chatting. "Who is it?"

Squall looked up and considered his reply. "...Selphie," he said after a moment.

Seifer frowned at the name. Just two nights ago he'd been told he'd shared his childhood with this girl, but his only memories of her were from the war. All he could see was her intense expression as she'd caught Hyperion's blow with her nunchaku.

Calder watched as Seifer turned back around to finish putting the sandwiches together. Seifer's deeply pensive expression was closed off before the man tried to assume an unfazed air that was wholly unconvincing. Looking over at Squall, he quirked an eyebrow at the intense way Squall was studying Seifer. The tension in the room had grown palpable.

"How is she?" Seifer finally asked.

Squall hadn't missed the lapse in Seifer's nonchalance. How much thought had the man given to their conversation about the orphanage, if any? Seifer's question obviously wasn't inspired by any real need to know, but by the scrutinizing eyes of his friend.

"Energetic," he answered all the same. "As usual."

Lifting his gaze from what he was doing, Seifer looked blankly ahead. He didn't remember Selphie enough to know her usual behavior, but Squall's words made him long to understand. The feeling that something was missing, that some part of him was missing, wouldn't let go. He frowned. Ever since the war he hadn't allowed himself to consider his past, not even the innocent days at Garden or the time before that. But now… Squall had assured him that if he tried hard enough, the memories would be right there.

At first, the only thing he could remember was that image of a crying toddler. Squall. He still couldn't quite believe any of it, but he quelled the part of him that balked at remembering anything at all and forced his mind towards the vague memories of a lighthouse. The beach. The sound of seagulls and crashing waves. Days spent in the sun and sand. Then something gave way and the image of a tiny brunette appeared in his mind. His chest constricted, his breath stuck in his lungs.

She had freckles, two prominent pigtails that weren't doing much to keep her hair in place and one missing front tooth. She was smiling mischievously as she eyed a demolished sandcastle not far away. They were hiding behind a dune on the beach. The girl was wriggling with excitement. He couldn't suppress the fondness he felt then, a soft smile emerging on his lips as he put a slice of bread on top of the sandwich. They had been partners in crime.

And just as quickly as the fond memory had appeared it was washed away by heavy thoughts of the war. Selphie, Irvine, Zell, Quistis and Ellone. Those were the people Squall had told him he'd grown up with... and he'd turned against them all; had fought them. His hands clenched as he shut his eyes, his head tilting forwards. He couldn't face Calder right now. He couldn't face Squall.

He'd read Selphie's file. The others' too. But unlike the others, it had read Trabia Garden under her affiliation. He hadn't physically pressed the button that had launched the missiles that led to Trabia Garden's obliteration, but he'd been the one to relay the order. Hundreds had lost their lives that day.

Watching Seifer's body language become more alarming by the second, Squall's concern grew. The white-knuckled grip on the knife in Seifer's hand, the tight set to those shoulders... He had to stop whatever destructive train of thought was going through Seifer's head, but Calder was inconveniently in the way for him to say what needed to be said.

"You okay?" Calder asked. Seifer's posture was outright forbidding and the heavy silence reminded him entirely too much of those few nights Seifer had spent at his place, unspeaking and absent in every way that counted.

"Yeah," Seifer said without meeting his gaze, as if from a distance. "I gotta take a leak."

Calder was pushed aside as Seifer walked to the bedroom door with brisk strides, hastening away from them. Calder furrowed his brow, unable to fathom how the mention of a single name could have led to this. He looked over at Squall. "What just happened?"

"Estranged friends," Squall prevaricated. The statement was true enough in a sense. Typing a quick goodbye to Selphie, he set aside his laptop and got up from the couch with a frown. He continuously underestimated the effect the war had on Seifer. Their conversation about the past and the orphanage had apparently done nothing to lighten the man's burden. He'd have to try harder, whether Seifer wanted his help or not.

Before Calder could utter any objection, he walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Seifer was standing by the window. The man met his gaze only briefly before looking outside again. Squall walked a few steps closer, lingering just outside Seifer's personal space. The crossed arms and deep frown weren't exactly inviting and he wouldn't risk Seifer bailing. An uncomfortable length of silence passed as he waited the man out.

"She could've died," the blond finally offered, his voice stern and distant. "Along with all her friends. Along with you."

Having his answer as to what was bothering Seifer, Squall stepped past the blond to lean with his back against the window frame. Even if Seifer didn't want to look him in the eye, he at least wanted to see the man's face when talking about these things.

"You nearly died yourself," Squall said evenly. Seifer's scar reappeared in his mind's eye, bringing with it all the imagined ways in which the man could've received the injury.

"I didn't deserve to live," Seifer said harshly, unable to keep the anger at himself and his past out of his voice.

Hearing the sentiment voiced for the second time now, Squall was still caught off guard by the words. The self-loathing had dug in deep with Seifer; too deep for him to know where to start. What the hell did you say to someone who didn't think they should be alive? Someone who had actively taken steps to try and make that a reality? ...Someone he cared about.

Frustrated, he tried to keep his gaze unwavering. "I'm glad you didn't get the final say."

Seifer almost snorted at the ridiculousness of their situation. Two years ago they'd been at opposite sides of a war, had attempted to kill each other and now Squall was saying he deserved to live. He had killed people, tortured them, burned them. "...Then you don't know what happened."

"I know enough," Squall said evenly, unwilling to condemn the man for events beyond his control. "By your line of thinking I'm not exactly deserving myself. I've killed people who didn't deserve to die. I could have killed you." He paused, looking at Seifer intently, needing the man to understand. "Only difference is, I didn't have anyone in my head making me do it."

Seifer's voice was grim and forbidding when he spoke his next words. "You haven't slaughtered kids. You haven't made their parents watch," he said, his posture rigid and anger stirring at having to share something so horrible and intimate with the person he cared about the most. "You haven't tortured," he added, his words seething with all the pent up emotions he'd managed to keep down deep enough to continue on with his life these past few years.

At the harsh confessions, Squall remembered the villages that had been raided in Ultimecia's search for Ellone. It hadn't been pretty and nobody had ever been able to put names to the culprits. For Ultimecia to let her knight do even the dirtiest of work... Growing more desperate by the second to bring his point home, he used his anger to shake himself out of his stupor.

"That wasn't you. None of that was you," he said firmly. "How many people did you hurt when she wasn't forcing your hand? In all the time you weren't her knight?"

"It was me," Seifer said, unable to cast aside the guilt. "It was my hands. My blade. I made the decision to follow her."

"That doesn't answer my question," Squall replied, regarding the blond levelly. "Not one, I think is the answer." He moved out of his leaning pose and drew closer to Seifer. "When did you first regret following her?"

"I don't know… At D-District, I guess," Seifer said. Torturing Squall had been the breaking point.

"That was right at the start," Squall pointed out. "You told me yourself. You didn't know her plans at first, what she was going to use you for."

"That doesn't mean I shouldn't have fought her harder," Seifer said, briefly meeting Squall's gaze. For the millionth time he wished that somehow he'd found a way out of it. "And it doesn't matter how many I hurt before or after the war, when I know what I did during… I don't know what was her and what was me. It wasn't like a switch. It wasn't like one moment I was in control and the next moment I wasn't. It all felt like me."

"No," Squall said, shaking his head. "You might have been arrogant, but you were never cruel. That wasn't your nature; that was hers. No matter what she made it seem like."

"How do you know?" Seifer demanded, wanting to believe Squall but unable to. "I want to know, but no matter how much I think about it, I won't ever know the truth. War twists people; makes them do things they wouldn't normally."

"Not the way it changed you," Squall persisted. But even as he said the words, he could tell Seifer wasn't taking them to heart. None of what he was trying to say meant a thing in the face of the man's self-loathing. Contemplating his options, he decided to repay honesty with honesty and braced himself for the consequences of what he would say next. "None of it made sense. I needed to know for sure, but you were gone, so... I went to see Ellone."

At the name, Seifer's eyes widened for a fraction of a second, before his hands clenched into fists and his eyes narrowed in anger. He couldn't escape the intense feeling of being violated and exposed, the knowledge that Squall had seen what he'd done rendering him speechless.

When he had apologized to Squall just over a week ago, when he'd bared himself to the man, Squall had known everything. And Squall hadn't said a word. Unbridled anger consumed him as he swung his hand forward and grabbed hold of the brunet's shirt. About to bodily slam the man into the wall, he stopped himself just in time, the move becoming a forceful push instead, his knuckles white and muscles bunching.

"She didn't show me anything."

Seifer's eyes only narrowed further. "Then what the fuck is your point," Seifer demanded, his voice dangerously low.

"I didn't see anything," Squall reiterated calmly, relieved to at least have drawn Seifer's attention instead of a punch to the gut. With conscious effort, he ignored the instinct to fight back against the firm hold pressing him into the wall. "Neither did Ellone," he reassured further. "That's what I wanted to tell you... When she reached out, she couldn't find anything. Not one memory." Trying to instill the importance of what he was saying, Squall continued more firmly, "She said she felt something strange, something wrong pushing back at her."

A frown of confusion grew on Seifer's brow. No memories. How could that be? He didn't know how Ellone's powers worked, but he assumed she somehow created a connection between herself and the person whose past she wanted to watch. So how come she couldn't see his?

The soft touch of Squall's hand on his wrist pulled Seifer back into the present. As his eyes focused on Squall's, he became aware of his continued hold on the man's shirt. Letting go of the crumpled fabric, he turned around and stepped away, needing space.

Spurred on by Seifer's obvious contemplation of his words, Squall followed Seifer with his eyes. He'd let the man have his distance for now, as long as he could explain. "She said something like that had never happened before. That it should be impossible. You didn't just disappear from the grid." He'd been too conflicted and confused at the time to draw the right conclusions, but now he was certain. "Something else took your place. Someone else."

Seifer turned to look at Squall, surprised by the words. Squall was claiming Ultimecia had taken his place, had somehow interfered with his memories. If that was the case, only one thing could prove it. "Did you see anything before? Or after?"

Realizing all too well how little he himself would appreciate his own memories being looked into, Squall shook his head. "No. Before or after wasn't my concern." His guilty conscience made itself known at the sight of Seifer's piercing gaze, and not just because of the breach of privacy. "It was enough to confirm my doubts."

The corners of Seifer's lips sloped downwards. Squall had needed the truth so much that he'd sought out Ellone and asked her to use her powers for him. He'd hurt Squall. What he'd done did matter. With how Squall had seemingly forgiven him for everything, he'd been lulled into the fantasy that Squall had believed it hadn't been him all along. But he'd been fooling himself. Badly.

To this day I don't know what possessed you to do what you did... Why you...

How could he have forgotten those words? It hadn't been much more than a week ago. Squall hadn't even been able to finish the sentence. No matter what Squall was saying now, about what Squall now thought to be the truth, just a week ago Squall hadn't been certain. A sense of overpowering defeat began to take its toll. He knew this, so why did it still hurt?

"Seifer, it wasn't you," Squall pressed, hating how powerless he felt. "I couldn't believe it was you. It's why I went to her in the first place. It's why I came with you that night at the club." He hated seeing Seifer so withdrawn and nothing like the man was supposed to be. No matter what he said, there didn't seem to be a way to convince him. Either Seifer didn't believe him, or still didn't think it proof enough. But then he realized the meaning of Seifer's earlier words. Before or after...

"We can prove it. With Ellone's help."

When no reaction came, not even a sign that the blond had heard him, Squall was torn between annoyance and concern. Seifer was shutting him out deliberately. Deciding he would just have to make himself be heard, he walked up to Seifer and placed himself directly in the man's line of sight.

"Seifer."

The moment Seifer looked up to meet his gaze, his half-formed plan rolled from his lips and took shape. "If you don't believe me—If it's proof you need, I can call Ellone," he said imploringly. "We can go see her and you can see for yourself. Your memories from before and after the war; I'm sure they'll be unaffected"

Furrowing his brows, Seifer eyed the brunet carefully. "You'd do that? he asked, part of him wanting to believe what Squall was saying even though he knew he shouldn't. "You think she'd do that?"

"Yes," Squall answered immediately, encouraged by Seifer considering his offer seriously. He'd do anything within his power to right some of his wrongs, to lift some of Seifer's burden. And Ellone, she would understand. "She lives in Galbadia, so it would take a few days," he added, already thinking ahead. There was the meeting on Tuesday to keep in mind, but other than that, he had nothing keeping him in Esthar. The sooner they did this, the better.

"Where in Galbadia?"

"Winhill. South Galbadia."

Seifer brought up a hand to knead at his forehead. "What if she couldn't see the memories because of the bond?"

Squall contemplated the comment briefly, but quickly shook his head. "Even so, Ellone said it felt wrong. Maybe the extent of the distortion reflects the extent of the sorceress's manipulation." And the moment he voiced those thoughts, he knew where this was heading. He steeled himself for the inevitable. No matter how unpleasant, he owed this to Seifer.

"We can use my memories."

Raising an eyebrow at the offer, Seifer was starting to understand just how important this was to Squall. Privacy had always been paramount to the man. Hell, it had only been a week since his jaw had been reminded of said fact. "So we compare? See if it's the same for both of us?"

At Squall's nod, Seifer felt some of his tension leave him. They were actually going to do this.

"How does it work?" he asked, unable to picture it at all. Ultimecia had never told him any of the specifics regarding Ellone's powers, only that the girl could bring you into the past. Maybe Ultimecia hadn't even known the specifics herself.

"She can only use her powers with people she knows personally," Squall started, hoping Seifer wouldn't be deterred by the inevitability of seeing each other's memories. "She's... a catalyst. She sends the consciousness of one person into the past of the other." Guessing that Seifer would also want to know about the experience itself, he elaborated. "You see things from the eyes of the other. You're in their head, hear their thoughts." He paused then, remembering those first forced experiences. "It's disorientating at first. You can't influence what happens. You just watch."

Trying to picture what it would be like peeking out from Squall's eyes, hearing Squall's thoughts, perceiving things as Squall would, Seifer realized just how intimate the whole thing would be. But before he could ponder it any further, something else became apparent as well. "You've done it before," he commented, wanting to know who else's past Squall had looked into.

Squall nodded. "A few times without my consent, into Loire's past. And once, to find out what happened to Rinoa."

"Does Ellone see the memories as well?"

"Only when she's the one going into the past." Pausing, Squall figured he had to warn Seifer about the trial and error that usually accompanied the woman's powers. "She can't see where she sends someone. It's no exact science, so it can take a few times before she gets it right."

Some of Seifer's apprehension returned with Squall's warning. What if there was still a chance Squall would see something from the war? "But you just experience one memory at a time? In real-time?"

"One at a time. No choice but to let them run their course. You can give her directions in between attempts if necessary."

Even though he knew he was in no position to set any ground rules when the whole thing was for his benefit, Seifer had to make one exception. "If you see anything from the war, we stop."

Squall nodded, agreeing to Seifer's terms. The point would be moot anyway if that happened. "And no hiding what we see," he continued, adding his own prerequisite.

"Hn," Seifer agreed, watching Squall carefully. This was going to be one weird and extremely fucked up experiment. But if it worked, if he could access Squall's memories as a knight and Squall couldn't access his... then...

He couldn't believe Squall was doing this for him. But he sure as hell wasn't about to question whether Squall knew what he was getting into. If there was anything Seifer could be absolutely certain of, it was that Squall knew exactly what he was getting into. So instead Seifer took a step forward, leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Squall's lips.

"Thank you," he said as he looked into gray-blue eyes.

At the two simple words he hadn't ever heard Seifer say before, Squall was too stunned to react to either the thanks or the kiss. The latter was apparently becoming a frequent occurrence, but it still caught him off guard. Forcing his attention back to the matter at hand, he asked, "When can we make the trip?"

Seifer considered the question. He wanted to go as soon as possible, but he had a feeling Arc would hunt his ass down if he left again any time soon. He had the trip with Fujin and Raijin coming up though… They were going to meet at Obel Lake. If Fu and Rai agreed to an earlier trip, then they could combine the two. Maybe then Arc would agree to it. "How do you feel about going hunting with Raijin and Fujin?"

Squall raised an eyebrow in surprise, unsure how hunting with Seifer's friends figured into things. He highly doubted they would appreciate him tagging along for that matter. "Since when does the DC take on outsiders?" he commented doubtfully.

"Since their leader told them to," Seifer said arrogantly with a smile on his lips. "C'mon. It'll be fun. You can have the chocobo that always tries to eat me."

Squall's eyebrow only quirked further at the visual that last sentence invoked. The sudden change in Seifer's demeanor was almost whiplash inducing, leading Squall to suspect the man had become worrisomely good at emotional compartmentalization. But maybe seeing his friends would help the man deal with confronting his past, so Squall simply asked, "What kind of hunting are we talking about?"

"We usually choose a creature that's hard to find and tough to bring down. Then we track it down and hunt anything else that might catch our interest along the way." Seifer smiled, imagining Squall out there with them. He'd been looking forward to the trip for ages, but he almost couldn't contain his eagerness at the possibility of Squall joining as well. No responsibilities, no chores, just them out on a hunt together. The prospect of surprising the shit out of Raijin and Fujin was just the icing on the cake. A very, very tasty icing. "You'll love it."

At Seifer's obvious enthusiasm, Squall found it difficult to voice his hesitance. He would be intruding, no matter what Seifer said. "It's in a few weeks, right?" By then he might already be back in the field, which would complicate things. "You want to go see Ellone in the same trip?"

"Yeah. Our plan was to meet up at Obel Lake. It'd fit in perfectly on the way to see Ellone or on our way back," Seifer answered, hoping Squall's questions might mean he was actually considering it. "I could try and move it up. Arc's going to have to let me go for the days I'd already booked anyways. It shouldn't matter if I take them off now or then. And Healy was going to take over for my classes. He doesn't have anything better to do. The only unknown is Rai and Fu. But they're usually easy. We could pack up tonight and leave tomorrow if they're up for it."

Squall frowned, shaking his head in thought. "I can't get out of the meeting on Tuesday." He looked up to meet Seifer's gaze. "We can leave right after. It's in the morning, so we should still have enough time to get to Galbadia."

Seifer nodded, having forgotten about Squall's meeting. And their appointments with Odine. "That'd work better with my classes as well. Then I can still teach tomorrow. You'll have to cancel with Odine though."

Squall hummed in agreement. He didn't mind cancelling with Odine one bit. He'd have a tough time explaining it to Quistis though. Especially if he wanted to avoid telling her the real reason.

"I guess we'd better get calling then," Seifer said, unable to hide his excitement. "Ellone first? …See when's best for her?"

"It shouldn't be a problem. I just have to let her know we're coming," Squall assured. "She might not be able to close the pub on such short notice though. Be prepared to help out." He'd learned that from the one time he'd visited her before. The curious and bored townspeople had flocked together at the pub to see what kind of outsider Ellone was having over.

Chuckling at the added information, Seifer's easy smile returned. "Sounds like a fair deal." At least that way he wouldn't feel like he was imposing as much. He'd be able to pour drinks and entertain the locals no problem.

"I'll call Fujin then," he said, but looked over to where the shut door had kept their conversation from traveling to the living room. "After I deal with Calder."

"I'll call Ellone in here," Squall said, reaching for the cell phone in his pocket.

"Alright," Seifer said with a nod, drawing out the moment. He didn't really want to leave Squall's side. What the brunet was doing for him was huge. Much bigger than the man giving him half of his magic and even that had been insanely generous. This was the second time Squall was going above and beyond for him and it both unsettled and pleased him to no end. He really wanted to show his appreciation, but for now they had to start planning. That and he wanted Squall all to himself when he was going to thank the man. After one last brief kiss, he walked to the door and steeled himself for having to face his neglected friend.

Watching Seifer leave, Squall leaned back against the nearest wall and closed his eyes. He'd kept a calm front throughout the confrontation, belying his feelings of unease and inadequacy. He hated adversaries that couldn't be charged head-on or beaten into submission and heart-to-hearts were mostly wasted on him, but he would do whatever it took to help Seifer, no matter how far he'd have to wade outside his comfort zone.

He waited until the rapping of his heartbeat slowed down before opening his eyes again. In the other room, he could hear Seifer and Calder's muted voices. Staring down at his cell phone, he spent a moment's thought on how he seemed to get himself in deeper and deeper with each day spent in Seifer's presence. He'd offered his own memories without hesitance, just like that. Because Seifer had been distressed.

He was a sentimental fool, letting the blond tug on his heartstrings like this, but that didn't make his decision to go to Winhill any less right. He owed Seifer at least this much. Pushing all else from his mind, he flipped open his phone and dialed Ellone's number.

"The Sleeping Lion, Ellone speaking."

"Hey. It's Squall."

"Squall?" the young woman exclaimed in surprise. "Wait, let me set down these glasses. I was just doing the dishes." The sound of clinking glass and quick footsteps told him she was relocating somewhere more private than the pub.

"I've been hearing some things about you through the grapevine. I didn't think you'd call me yourself," she finally said, her voice unable to hide her concern.

"The grapevine, or Loire?"

"That, and a strange phone call from Rinoa a few days back. She didn't know where you'd gone off to. She must've been running out of options, calling here of all places." Misinterpreting his surprised silence for annoyance, she said admonishingly, "At least Laguna had the sense to reassure me you hadn't gone missing in action or something worse, so don't blame him."

Letting his continued lack of input slide, she cut to the point. "So why are you calling? Is it about what happened? With Rinoa?"

"No... It's something different," Squall replied, hesitating for a beat. "I need your help."

The woman didn't answer right away, no doubt catching on to his meaning. "The kind only I can give, I assume?"

"I can trust you not to tell anyone?" he asked, needing to be absolutely certain of her confidence.

"Of course. You know that," Ellone replied, once more sounding concerned. "What is it?"

"It's Seifer. I want you to show him what you showed me."

A stunned silence followed his request. "Show Seifer?" she said, sounding incredulous. "Should I even ask how you two are in touch again?"

"I'm staying with him. He's helping me out," Squall explained in a matter-of-fact tone. "I want to help him too."

"You know this sounds crazy, right?"

"I need you to trust me on this one," he implored, needing Ellone to take him seriously. "You know what you saw last time. What you couldn't see. I have a theory I need you to confirm."

"...The void." He could almost hear the woman shiver at the memory. "You think it was Ultimecia after all?"

"I do. But we need to exclude the possibility that the distortion just comes with being a knight."

Taking a moment to parse his request, she didn't answer right away. "You want to let him into your memories? Are you sure you want to do that?"

Not about to tell her he'd only just made the decision, he firmed his voice. "There's no other way. I trust him. He needs this."

"What do you think you can prove with this? …It's not going to be easy."

"It'll prove Seifer was being manipulated. It'll give him peace of mind." Pausing for emphasis, he added, "Please, Ellone."

Sighing softly in response, she relented. "I never said I wouldn't do it," she chided gently. "You can bring him here. I just want you to realize what you're getting yourself into."

"I'm aware," he said, determined to see things through.

"Are you?" she asked doubtfully. "I can tell how much this matters to you, but if you don't keep the proper distance to the things you might see... It can be painful; wanting to change things, but being unable to."

At the words that cut too close to home, Squall failed to keep his voice even. "I know I can't change anything." Taking a deep breath, he added more calmly, "You won't be able to show me anything from the war anyway."

"Probably. But what about Seifer? He might see himself through your eyes. During the war."

Squall grimaced. He hadn't even thought of that possibility. There were several instances that would be bad, his memories of D-District in particular. The hours spent chained to that electric wall had been some of his darkest. With the passage of time they had dulled into a messy blur of disconcerting impressions, but it wouldn't be like that for Seifer if the man ended up in those memories. Each second would replay in vivid detail. Every stab of pain, every thought of despair—Seifer would feel it all.

"I'm just warning you, Squall. Both of you. Consider the worst case scenarios," Ellone continued when he remained silent. "You also need to know it's been a long time since I did this. The last time I used my powers was for you, and that was over two years ago. I'm bound to be rusty."

Shaking the thoughts of D-District, Squall reminded himself of the ultimate goal. "We have to do this... If we don't—" He didn't even want to consider the possibility that they might not be able to help. "Seifer needs to know it wasn't his fault."

"Okay. Then we'll do it," Ellone replied earnestly, sensing his disquiet and matching it with calm. "When should I expect you to visit?"

"Soon. We'll be leaving for Galbadia on Tuesday, but Seifer has some friends he wants to see. Could be before or after we visit you."

"So, somewhere this coming week?"

"Yes. You have the room to put us up?" he asked, some of his tension lifting. His plan was taking shape.

"The guest room is all yours," Ellone offered easily. "Will you be able to stay a few days? I haven't seen you in ages."

None too eager to turn the necessary trip into an extended stay, Squall hedged. "Maybe. We still have to make arrangements with Seifer's friends."

Ellone hummed in understanding, choosing not to comment on his reluctance for once. "Well, just know that you're welcome to stay as long as you like." Not waiting for a promise she knew he wouldn't give, she added, "What will you tell Laguna? And Garden? ...I'm pretty sure they're keeping tabs on you with everything that's happened."

"Loire knows I'm staying with Seifer. It's Garden I don't want to find out. Not yet."

"Better let Laguna know about your plans then," she said, not sounding overly impressed. "Until now, I thought you were staying with him. I knew something was fishy. You've got the man covering for you, don't you?"

Squall winced at the unflattering but true statement. "I'll tell him."

"Okay then. Just give me a call once you know when I have to pick you up at the station. The buses still don't drive out this way."

"Thank you," he said, impressing his sincerity.

"No problem. I'm glad I can help. It'll be good to see you again. Seifer too. ...Is he doing okay?"

Not wanting to lie or embellish, Squall answered after a moment's thought, "He's got a good life here."

"Tell him he's welcome here. That we'll figure things out."

Relieved at Ellone's ready acceptance, he nodded. "I will. See you, Ellone."

"Bye Squall. Keep me posted."

Hanging up, Squall pocketed his phone and glanced at the door. With some luck, Seifer's end of things would fall into place as well, and they'd put their plans into motion before the week was up. Not wanting to dwell on the reality of sharing their memories, he pushed away from the wall and moved to join the other two men in the living room. No matter the cost or loss of privacy, it would be worth it, he told himself. He would make sure of it.

~ o ~