~ Chapter Twenty-Seven - Free Fall ~
[Rinoa Heartilly and Squall Leonhart's Apartment, Layon Tower, Sunday, 26th of October, 5:57 pm]
Pulling into the parking space that was still labeled as his own, Squall let his gaze travel to where Rinoa's sedan was parked to his left. The sleek, luxury car was filled to capacity with cardboard boxes. Clearly Rinoa had been busy. Killing the engine, he leaned back in the driver's seat. He'd agreed to the visit readily enough, but now that he was actually here he felt less than prepared.
He hadn't thought about her much. He'd kept their phone calls short, their interaction nearly nonexistent since they'd broken the bond. This was the first time they'd meet unbonded.
All this time Seifer had proved a powerful distraction. He hadn't really had any time or opportunity to miss Rinoa or contemplate the loss of their bond. Even on his way here all his thoughts had gone to Seifer. The man had made sure of that, aggressively pinning him against the warehouse wall and searing his touch into Squall's skin before letting him go after their training.
Breaking his gaze away from Rinoa's car, he closed his eyes and reclined his head against the headrest. The visit could easily turn awkward. Of all the consequences he'd imagined for getting involved with Seifer, he hadn't really thought as far as Rinoa's opinion.
Not that any of the undesirable consequences he had foreseen had deterred him much in the end either. Whenever he was around Seifer they simply ceased to matter and the pursuit of pleasure became all he could think about. Whatever hesitance he'd felt at first was vanishing with alarming speed. It was only now, when he no longer had Seifer around to addle his thought process with lopsided grins and warm lips, that he began to remember why this was a dangerous thing to do. There was no way this could end well.
He didn't believe in sex without entanglements. There were always consequences. At some point, expectancies were bound to diverge. Even if sex was the only stake in a relationship, then boredom was the inevitable follow-up. The only scenario that spared both parties was when boredom struck at the same time for those involved.
And he could no longer maintain this would be a fleeting attraction. If anything, acting on it had made things far worse. As if a blindfold had been taken off and now he'd never be able to look at Seifer in a purely platonic way again. His track record suggested he wouldn't soon run into someone who affected him the same way either. Seifer on the other hand…
It wouldn't be a clean cut when it ended. It couldn't be. He knew he was already getting too close. Training together, sparring together, sharing a bed together, traveling together. Seifer wasn't keeping any of it separate from their newfound attraction. Anything goes. That seemed to be Seifer's approach. A training session was easily interspersed with flirtation and kisses, a conversation interrupted by more intimacy than should feel comfortable… Did Seifer lay down other men on his couch the same way he had with him?
He frowned, unable to shake the foreboding thoughts. Only a week ago he had sworn to never set himself up like that again. Dependency debilitated, whatever form it came in. It meant exposing himself to disappointment and hurt. Soon, he would have to leave Esthar and Seifer along with it. They'd meet sporadically at best, with no guarantee of continuing what they'd started.
He'd never been in a position before where he was attracted to someone, but couldn't have them. That was probably in the cards now.
He had no defenses when it came to things like this. His go-to-method had always been to keep people at a distance. Once actually involved with someone on a too personal level, he had no idea of how to behave or what to expect. It had meant the end of his relationship with Rinoa.
Rinoa.
He kneaded at his temple and opened his eyes again. Flashing a look into the rearview mirror, he made sure Seifer hadn't left behind any more hickeys, at the same time realizing just how messed up everything was. The girl's two exes, doing the nasty, as Seifer had eloquently called it. He'd avoid the topic, not confirm anything. She didn't have to know.
Telling himself he'd get in, sign the papers and leave, Squall got out of the car and made for the elevators. No longer bonded, Rinoa couldn't gauge his thoughts anymore in a way that was beyond his control. He would be fine.
But when he found himself outside the penthouse's front door, he still hesitated. Angelo outmaneuvered him, barking excitedly as she raced to the other side of the door before he could even think to ring the bell. In an immediate response, he heard light footsteps traveling down the stairs.
"Coming," Rinoa's voice sounded from the other side, unbothered with the fact he hadn't actually knocked or rung the doorbell. "Angelo! Stop that!" A soft whine followed the woman's command as the excited dog stopped bouncing up against the door.
And then the door swung open, Rinoa appearing in its stead, her long hair tied up in a high ponytail and a black smudge staining her left cheek. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but no words came. She looked just as unprepared as he felt.
Taking advantage of their inattention, Angelo squirmed past her owner and jumped up happily against his legs, her tail swishing back and forth. Squall distractedly brought down a hand to pet the dog's head, his eyes on his one-time sorceress. He hadn't anticipated how strange it would be to see her, to be this close, but not feel her. He felt a queasy tug at the center of his chest, a dull echo of something inside him that was reaching for her.
Rinoa fought back the urge to throw her arms around Squall, drawn to him by more than just her feelings. She had feared this; the effect of a broken bond that hadn't healed yet. Swallowing thickly, she decided that relief was a safe enough emotion to allow and drank in the brunet's appearance. There were no dark circles beneath gray-blue eyes like that day at the lab. The deadly pallor that haunted her dreams since finding Squall at the Skyway Inn was absent.
She released a trembling breath. Hearing reassurances over the phone was one thing; confirming with her own eyes that Squall was doing better another entirely. Unable to take the small distance that remained anymore, she threw caution to the wind and drew the man into a crushing hug.
"You look good." Breathing out into his leather jacket unsteadily, she wished she could nuzzle his neck instead. The moment an uncertain touch ghosted her right shoulder, she reluctantly stepped back again, restoring Squall's personal space.
"You have ink on your cheek," he replied belatedly, inclining his head to the afflicted area.
Raising a hand to her cheek as if to feel the stain, Rinoa grimaced in mild embarrassment. Pulling the thick, black marker from her makeshift utility belt, she waved it in explanation. "At least I didn't accidentally chew off the end this time."
Squall could still remember her embarrassed blush as he had pointed out her inky lips. She had sat down with him to help out with paperwork, well over a year ago now. It was strange to recall a time when their bond had still been new and benign, before the downsides had started to surface.
"Come in. I'll make you some coffee."
Not giving Squall time to refuse the offer, Rinoa walked to the kitchen, gesturing to the chaos that was the living area as they passed through. "I'm trying to organize all our stuff." Not that she thought Squall considered any of these things as his. "I think I'll need more boxes," she managed to say lightly, glancing back over her shoulder.
Squall's gaze traveled over the haphazard arrangement of cardboard boxes, sporting vague labels like 'stuff I found in the pantry' or 'mementos' and a seemingly arbitrary color coding system. There was definitely such a thing as owning too much stuff.
Putting the lavish espresso machine to work, Rinoa retrieved a green sticker from her belt pocket and slapped it on the gurgling machine. This was one piece of luxury she wasn't willing to part with. She'd need her daily cup of perfect coffee in the days to come. Watching Squall eye the boxes and piles of belongings critically, she almost succumbed to a smile. He had always indulged her despite his own austere lifestyle. Squall had the right idea, though.
She would downsize her life, get rid of the unnecessary luxury she had tried to fill an empty life with. It was sad how she had rebelled against being a daddy's girl, to then easily allow Squall to pay for all her expenses. Compensation for leaving her alone all the time. Like the expensive gowns and jewelry added to her mother's collection every time her father had been away for longer times. Such a self-pitying and unproductive attitude had to stop. Moving out of the penthouse was the first step.
Setting the two cups of perfectly brewed coffee on the breakfast bar, she sat down on the bar stool across from where Squall occupied his usual seat.
"If you want to keep anything—" she started, nodding at the mayhem of things in the living area, "—now's the time to say. Anything without a green sticker is going, like most of the furniture. I'll sell what I can and send the rest off to charity."
Pulling the cup of coffee towards him, Squall let its warmth seep into his fingers. At his feet, Angelo circled a few times before curling up against him. The domestic setting felt like a strange backdrop for a conversation that spoke of endings.
"You're moving soon then?"
"The moment I have everything sorted out," Rinoa confirmed, mimicking Squall's move and wrapping her fingers around hot porcelain. "Cecilia has been looking for a roommate for a while now. She said I can move right in." Looking up from the steaming black liquid, she met Squall's gaze. "I know the contract for the penthouse runs until the end of December, but… I need a fresh start,"
Squall simply nodded in understanding. "It's just two months of rent."
Rinoa softly shook her head in disbelief at how easily the man downplayed an amount like that. Those two months of rent would've paid for nearly a year at Cecilia's place.
"...If you're sure you don't mind," she said slowly. "I guess I won't need to rent storage room at least. And I'll have some time to get a good price for the big pieces."
No reply came to her statement, which didn't surprise her in the slightest. She suspected she could throw the furniture out of the window for all he cared. Still, it was a matter of principle. "You'll get back what I can get for it."
Squall frowned. "They're your things," he dissuaded firmly.
"You paid for them. That makes it your money." Getting up from her stool before Squall could comment, she walked to the large dresser and got out what she needed from the top drawer. As she sat back down across from Squall, the brunet studied her with a narrow-eyed gaze.
"These are the papers you need to sign to end the contract after this year's term," she started, placing the thin stack in front of Squall. "And here are my cards."
Looking at the three plastic debit cards Rinoa placed on top of the papers, Squall's frown grew into a scowl. "Are you moving because of this?"
"No," Rinoa answered, her voice sharp in reaction to Squall's tone. But as soon as the denial left her, she faltered. "I mean—yes and no... This place istoo big for just me, Squall. I really do think I'll be better off with a roommate. Somewhere smaller."
"But you don't want my help."
At the words that sounded as if Squall was offended, Rinoa frowned. She knew the man would make this difficult.
"Where's the new place?"
Rinoa looked at Squall in suspicion. There was no way he'd accepted it this fast. "Chimera district, central location. It's a nice place. A busy neighborhood."
"What's the rent?"
And there it was. "Squall—" she started, ready to dissuade, but she was immediately cut off.
"How will you pay for it?" Squall was looking at her intently now, his misgivings badly hidden.
"I'll get a job!" Rinoa burst out angrily. "Like everyone else! Or am I just that incompetent in your eyes?"
Surprised by the vehemence to Rinoa's reply, Squall regarded the frowning girl. "I didn't say that," he replied more calmly, suppressing his frustration. "I don't want you stuck doing something you don't want to because of bills. There's no rush."
The heartfelt reasoning deflated Rinoa's anger as quickly as it had risen. She slumped back on her stool, glancing at her coffee before taking a slow sip. Without any education to speak of, she knew it would be difficult to find a job. She wouldn't earn much. But anything was better than what she'd been doing for the past two years. As long as she got herself back onto her feet, she told herself she'd be fine.
Mistaking her silence for acquiescence, Squall interrupted her thoughts. "Keep the cards. Give me some peace of mind."
She huffed as she met his sincere gaze. "You know, few guys would give their ex access to their bank account."
"I set it up for you. Use it as long as you need it."
"I am getting a job," she replied defiantly, not promising anything.
Squall studied Rinoa thoughtfully. The girl had never spoken of any ambitions or plans for the future. He'd never asked her about what she did with her time when he was away either. "...If that's what you want."
Rinoa sighed. She didn't really know what to do with her life. Somehow her identity and path had seemed sealed the moment she had become a sorceress. The sudden powers, no matter how hard to adapt to at first, had actually given her purpose. No longer a spoilt daddy's girl, she had easily fallen into the role of the woman behind the commander; the sorceress to her knight. It had made it unnecessary to look at herself and do something with her life that was her own choice.
"I'm not sure about much these days, Squall, but... I forgot how to be independent." She met Squall's gaze firmly. "I want that back."
Squall contemplated the reply that hit too close to home. He understood a need like that better than anyone. Financial independence. He hadn't really looked at it that way.
"What kind of work?"
Rinoa shrugged. "What I can get. I didn't finish high school, remember?" Instead she had run off to run the Timber Owls in a moment of inspired naivety. It hadn't been belief in her cause that had earned her the pathetic involvement of three rookie SeeDs, but Seifer's good word, all of her savings and the promise to get Cid in touch with her father. And in the end, she hadn't made a single difference. Squall had.
"You still can."
Rinoa looked up from recalling bitter memories. "Hm?"
"You can still finish high school. Get an education."
Rinoa laughed hollowly not really convinced by the opinion of a man who knew nothing about regular education. For Squall, school equated to learning how to kill someone. "You really think I could?"
"You're smart," came the simple reply.
"What would I even study?" she asked, unable to really contemplate the option. Ever since the war she'd lacked the confidence and self-knowledge to tackle a possibility like that, but she did only have her senior year to go... Would she be able to further her education after that?
"Whatever you want," Squall answered sincerely, looking at her intently. "You have a choice."
Rinoa instantly understood what Squall meant; how he'd had no choice himself. Reveling in his firm belief in her, Rinoa felt a painful warmth fill her heart as she returned his gaze. For someone who most people considered cold and uncaring, he was the most loyal person she'd ever met. His friendship was priceless, no matter the taciturnity and heavy moods that came with it. Almost reaching out to place her hand over his, she thought better of the unwarranted show of affection. If it was his friendship she wanted to ensure, she'd have to let go of her feelings.
"I never really thought about it," she finally said. School hadn't even entered her mind when considering her future. It changed a lot. An education cost money, for one. She frowned at the thought.
"Then think about it. Choose what you really want." Tapping on the bank cards to draw her attention to them, Squall added, "Use these if you need them."
"That simple?"
"Not everything has to be difficult," Squall answered, reminded of telling Seifer something similar when they'd been up on that tower. We could use easy for once.
Rinoa huffed softly at that statement, but she didn't try to retort. "And here I thought I had it all figured out..." She gave Squall a small smile. "Always coming to my rescue, even when I don't think I need it."
"You did the same for me."
Rinoa blinked at that. Realizing he was talking about the Skyway Inn, she didn't dare question the implied gratitude in that statement. "So it's a deal then? We keep looking out for each other?" She knew the request betrayed her feelings, her need to keep Squall in her life come what may.
Even though his agreement to such a deal was bound to be interpreted as a right to meddle, Squall found himself nodding all the same. Rinoa's widening smile cemented the promise they'd just made, filling him with a sense of relief that took him by surprise. After everything that had happened between them, he hadn't expected anything to be salvaged from their failed relationship.
"I guess you have some papers to sign, then."
Accepting the pen she handed him, Squall skimmed over the papers that luckily lacked the density and complexity of SeeD contracts, and signed them off one by one. Watching as Rinoa put the papers into a large envelope, he glanced at his watch. He still had some time before he'd have to leave. His thoughts wandered ahead to dinner. How had Seifer managed to convince him again?
"A Gil for your thoughts."
At the prompt, they met each other's gaze, both realizing at the same time Rinoa hadn't needed to ask that question in a long time.
"I—" Rinoa looked stricken. "Sorry."
Squall shook his head. "It's fine." He preferred the question greatly over the girl poking around in his head and finding the answers for herself. "I'm going to the Palace later—"
"For dinner, I know," Rinoa cut in. She could still remember Laguna's excitement over the phone when he'd called her that morning. She had asked Seifer to arrange it herself, but now that he had succeeded, she felt usurped. It didn't help that Laguna already loved the man to bits; the next great thing to have happened to his stubborn son. Even though the president didn't know the entire story, it still felt as if he was welcoming his son's new lover with open arms. And telling her all about it.
"He's really taken with Seifer."
Squall snorted at that, but no denial followed. Watching the brunet closely, she wished she could ask what she wanted to know, but she knew well enough that he'd never give her a straight answer. "How's the training going?" she asked, getting up from her stool again to refill their coffee cups and give Squall the feeling she wasn't paying undue attention to his reply.
"Promising," Squall answered. He couldn't maintain his pessimism when he hadn't had a single hallucination since taking the pills and his junctioning and casting abilities were improving rapidly. "I just came from there."
"And where's there?"
"An empty warehouse, at Seifer's work."
Rinoa paused mid-pouring ground coffee into the espresso machine. She didn't know anything about Seifer's life in Esthar, but clearly the man had no qualms about involving Squall. "What does he do anyway?" she said, shaking the remainder of the coffee into its slot.
"He's Balios's only apprentice."
Rinoa frowned when the name was mentioned as if it should mean something to her; as if it was a big deal. She'd heard admiration in Squall's voice, she was sure of it. "Who's Balios?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder with a slight frown.
"One of the best weapon smiths there is," Squall replied incredulously. Especially the man's blades. Only the Shumi up north could produce blades of better quality, aided by magic.
Rinoa suppressed the sting of envy she felt towards Seifer for having the perfect skills and job to earn Squall's reverence like that. It was simply unfair; the advantage the blond had over her. Reminding herself she wasn't actually competing, not anymore anyway, she forced another question past her lips. "So he's making weapons?"
Squall nodded. "He's also a gunblade instructor at the SCTA."
"Of course he is."
Rinoa cursed inwardly. She really hadn't intended for that reply to sound so bitter. Taking the new cups of coffee after spiking hers with too much sugar, she returned to the breakfast bar. "Here you go," she said, trying to pick up the conversation. "So... Balios is letting you guys use his warehouse?"
Squall frowned at the assumption. He wasn't entirely sure what Seifer had told the man. It would only spell trouble, he suddenly realized, should Arc find out about Seifer's past by walking in on them using magic. On the other hand, Arc had figured out his identity and the man hadn't treated him badly for being a magic user. Maybe the man truly wouldn't care.
"He doesn't know?" Rinoa guessed at Squall's hesitance. "Are you sure that's a good idea, with Estharian's paranoia about magic?"
Meeting Rinoa's gaze, Squall shrugged. "The place is empty and big enough. Away from civilians."
Rinoa wasn't so convinced, but she let the issue go. "When you say your training is promising," she changed the topic, "what does that mean exactly?"
"My junction time is almost back to normal when I'm on the meds. So are my spells and summons."
"You think you'll recover completely?"
"If things keep improving at this rate."
Relieved, Rinoa nodded. There were no certainties, she knew that, but this was so much more than she had dared hope for when they'd first found Squall.
"That's wonderful news," she said warmly, meeting Squall's gaze. "How about Seifer? How's he doing?"
"Also better." That was an understatement, Squall thought. Between the two of them, Seifer was the most excited and motivated. No longer suffering pain as punishment for using magic, the man couldn't get enough of even the simpler spells. Squall couldn't imagine going without for over two years.
Rinoa studied Squall as he drank from his coffee, his thoughts most likely on Seifer. He didn't look particularly smitten, but there was none of the sadness or frustration that used to mar his expression at the mention of the man either. Hyne, even Squall's annoyance at ending up in Seifer's care seemed to have vanished. He just sipped his coffee, clearly content that Seifer was doing well too.
"So, when do you think you'll return to Balamb?" she asked next, carefully studying Squall's reaction.
Squall set down his cup as he was forced to think about the question he'd been avoiding. He could partly fulfill his bureaucratic and commanding functions from his laptop for a little while longer, as long as there wasn't an emergency. As for his missions... The rank he usually accepted required full time junctioning and his absolute best when it came to spells and summoning. Anything less would cost lives.
"When I can take missions again. Top rank." He would not return to low level missions; to the likes of taking out a pathetically weak monster infestation or escorting a VIP. He tried to tell himself that was his only reason for stalling. That and avoiding the scrutiny of his friends.
"Hm. So you won't be staying with Seifer for that much longer then? I mean, with how quickly both of you are getting better."
Squall glanced up to meet Rinoa's gaze, but she just looked at him openly, clearly not realizing the sore spot she was hitting. "Seems like it," he answered, gulping down a mouthful of coffee.
Rinoa's heart twinged as the truth presented itself; the slight delay in his reply, the brief frown that was quickly smoothed away.. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay with Seifer. "Promise me to drop by before you leave Esthar," she asked, forcing her voice into a light tone.
"I'm leaving this Tuesday, actually," Squall said, reminded of the news he still had to share. He couldn't be sure he'd always be reachable, considering the very lacking cell phone connection in the Winhill region, and the last thing he needed was Rinoa panicking when he didn't pick up for a few days. "I should be back in a week."
"Where are you going?" Rinoa asked, surprised. Clearly it wasn't anything Garden related. "Didn't you have an appointment with Odine on Thursday?"
"I'm postponing it," Squall replied, quickly continuing his explanation before Rinoa could protest. "I'm going to Galbadia with Seifer."
Rinoa's heart fell. "What for?"
"To see Ellone. And Fujin and Raijin." Squall wasn't sure just how much he should disclose of something so private to Seifer. But Rinoa would understand.
"Ellone? I've been asking you for ages to go see her together and you always said no... And Seifer's posse?" Rinoa tried to see the point she was missing, but failed.
"We're going to see Ellone to prove something. For Seifer."
Rinoa's brow scrunched in confusion. "Her powers? You're going to make her use them?"
Squall grimaced slightly at that. "I already did once. After the war. To find out—"
"To find out about Seifer," Rinoa finished, realization dawning. After the war, Squall had gone from mission to mission like a man possessed. He'd been away for months. He could easily have snuck off on his own somewhere during that time. "What do you think you can learn that Seifer can't just tell you?"
"Ellone can't access his memories as Ultimecia's knight," Squall replied, his voice dead serious. Somehow Rinoa suspected that had they still been bonded, she would've felt an urge of angry protectiveness the way she had that day at the lab. "I think it means he was being controlled. Seifer needs to see the proof."
Rinoa fell silent at Squall's explanation. Remembering how reluctant Seifer had been to take Squall in, because of obvious guilt, she nodded slowly. Ultimecia had manipulated her as well, only she had been aware of the manipulation. She could only imagine what it would feel like not to be sure. "He doesn't believe it's not his fault?"
Squall slowly shook his head, his lips drawn into a stark line.
Swallowing thickly, she asked, "What does any of that have to do with Raijin and Fujin, though?"
"He had already planned to go see them."
Rinoa blinked at that. Granted, they had a valid reason to go to Galbadia, but this... this was Seifer taking Squall along to visit his friends. Friends she hadn't been allowed to meet when she'd been dating the blond. Friends that made up an exclusive gang of three, not four.
Unable to give a more reasonable explanation than he already had, Squall didn't know what to say in reply to Rinoa's clear surprise. It made him realize all over again how weird it was, this trip of theirs.
"I guess you were overdue for a holiday," Rinoa said finally, not an ounce of sincerity to her words. Squall had never gone on a trip with her. Emergencies had always sprung up at the last minute, the man always too busy. And Fujin and Raijin... Those two were like family to Seifer. She tried to swallow away the thickness that was starting to settle in her throat as the worst case scenario flit through her mind. Boyfriend, meet the family. Family, meet the boyfriend.
Squall frowned. Already, Rinoa was calling it a holiday as well. How on earth he was going to sell this one to Quistis, he didn't know. He hadn't intended for it to turn into anything reminiscent of a vacation.
"So, Galbadia. Got anything fun planned?" Rinoa asked, not sure whether she was trying to rub salt in her own wounds or feign indifference. It seemed like she had been stupid enough to give Seifer just the push he'd needed. Bye bye, bad case of denial. She'd made sure of that.
"Just hunting," Squall answered reluctantly. Somehow he felt as if he shouldn't be indulging in too leisurely activities. He couldn't remember the last time he had, and wondered since when that habit had been ingrained in him.
"...Sounds nice." Rinoa got up from her chair, setting away their cups in the sink. "Say hello to Ellone for me."
As the girl washed the cups and spoons, her back turned to him, Squall was glad to see the topic closed. "Sure."
"It's been too long," Rinoa said, fighting to keep her voice from breaking. "When was the last time we saw her..." Setting back the cups into the cupboard, she turned around to lean against the counter. "New Year's Eve, and Laguna's birthday party... Almost a year."
Meeting the girl's solemn gaze, Squall felt a pang of guilt. Rinoa had always wanted to get to know Ellone better and visit the place he was born; the setting for many of Loire's stories. She'd tried to plan a trip twice, but both times her plans had fallen through because of his missions. He'd never really understood why she'd found it so important for him to 'reconnect' with what she'd called his roots. Maybe it was because she missed her own mother.
"You'll have to tell me how she's doing," Rinoa said. Watching Squall's small nod, she berated herself for letting the mood get this heavy. She'd just have to try harder, show the man that they could hang out casually, and maybe—after enough time—she'd be able to feel truly at ease instead of having to fake it.
Fiddling with her bracelets, the inhibitors feeling itchy in reaction to Squall's presence, she took a steadying breath before painting a small smile on her lips. "Will you tell Laguna? ...I wouldn't put it past him to ditch Esthar and come along for the family reunion."
Squall frowned at the thought. A self-appointed sister he'd outgrown, a father he didn't want and his mother's grave. If it wasn't for Seifer, he'd be happy to never set foot in Winhill again.
Getting no response in reply to her joking remark, Rinoa felt like chiding Squall for his touchiness with the whole family thing. After two years of trying to bring him around to her point of view, she knew it was pointless.
"Bring me back a few bottles of that cream gin she sent us once?" she asked instead. "You at least owe me a souvenir."
Squall glanced at Rinoa, his lips turned down in distaste. "You still like that stuff?"
"You know me and my sweet tooth," Rinoa said, a smile quirking her lips as she ticked off her order on her fingers. "The chocolate and vanilla ones, please."
Squall quirked an eyebrow at the girl's lousy taste, but acquiesced. "I'll see what I can find."
"Great," Rinoa said, her smile a bit less shaky when she pushed away from the counter. She could do this. Moving to sit back at the breakfast bar, she was distracted however by the increasing itch and pull at her inhibitors.
"What is it?"
Looking up from the bracelets, she smoothed out her frown. "Oh, it's nothing... Just—Seems like these still have to get used to your presence... Or, well, I have to." Seeing Squall's confusion at the lacking explanation, Rinoa released a little sigh. So much for light conversation.
"The inhibitors are probably keeping me from feeling it too much, but—" Faltering, trying to find her words, she met Squall's gaze. "Don't you feel it too?" she asked dimly. "The broken bond."
Concerned, Squall glanced down at the inhibitors, not recognizing them. Looking back up into hazel eyes, he nodded slowly. "A little." That same dull pull he had felt when stepping into the penthouse had persisted. Like an itch he couldn't scratch. "Are those new?" he asked, nodding at the bracelets.
"You're not the only one who's gone to Odine for a check-up," Rinoa said, trying not to sound resentful. Squall had had Seifer and Laguna with him. She'd been alone.
Squall frowned. "When?" he demanded.
"Friday."
Wanting to berate the woman for not telling him, Squall only barely managed to keep from uttering such hypocrisy. "...I could have gone with you."
"That's okay," Rinoa said softly. "It went fine."
"No side-effects?"
Rinoa shook her head. "I'm taking a higher dosage of suppressants. Just to make sure." She gave a wistful smile. "Now's actually the first time I feel anything."
Squall nodded thoughtfully. "Me too."
Rinoa rolled her eyes at that. "I guess you're not counting hallucinations and loss of consciousness." But she knew what Squall meant. She glanced down at her inhibitors, consciously having to stop herself from fiddling with them again. "Don't worry, though. It's nothing I can't control," Rinoa reassured. "I'm sure it'll pass."
Reminded of control and how easily it was to lose it, her gaze grew distant. What kind of person had to reassure the person they loved that they wouldn't invade their minds or hurt them. "Seifer told me your scar is healing," she found herself saying, wanting to know if it was true.
Surprised, Squall nodded slowly. "It is..." When had the two talked? It seemed like whenever he turned his back, they were calling each other up.
"When did it start to heal?"
Squall had to force himself to meet Rinoa's gaze. They both knew she already knew the answer to that question. He didn't see the point in hashing up things from the past.
"So it's true," Rinoa said dejectedly. "...I'm sorry."
"Don't," Squall dissuaded firmly. "Even if it didn't heal because of the bond, that doesn't make it your fault."
Snorting at such flawed reasoning, she didn't say anything for a while. It was her fault. It was because of her that he'd been injured in the first place. She could only hope that it had been some weird magic property that had kept Squall from healing, and not her feelings of resentment seeping into the bond, poisoning Squall.
"It doesn't hurt anymore?" she finally broke the silence.
"No."
"Can I see?" She knew it was a strange request, an unnecessary one, but she needed to see for herself that both of them could recover from the damage she had done.
Squall frowned. In the end it was just another scar. He knew Rinoa still felt guilty though. Not wanting her to think he'd flinch away from her or couldn't bear the thought, he nodded. Maybe letting her see the healed scar would help.
Taking a quivering breath, Rinoa got up from her stool and walked around to move behind Squall's back. Eyes following a path down his neck and back, she hesitated, but Squall beat her to it and pulled his T-shirt over his head.
It had healed. At an amazing rate, she noted. Remembering the charred hole, dark blood thick with magic oozing from deep in the brunet's chest, she swallowed thickly. The skin looked tight and uneven, but it was pale, the same color as the rest of Squall's back. The unhealthy tint of recurring infection was gone, along with the swelling. It even seemed to have shrunk in size.
Carefully fingering the center of the old wound, where she had desperately pressed her hands to try and stop the bleeding, she couldn't help herself from moving a bit closer to Squall. Alive. Healthy. No thanks to me, she thought bitterly.
"...I'm so sorry," she said again, her voice cracking this time. Before Squall could counter her apology, she continued, "I talked to Odine about getting rid of my powers. For good." She could feel him go very still at her announcement. He didn't speak, silently waiting for her to elaborate.
She softly placed the flat of her hand against Squall's scarred shoulder blade, trying to ignore the soapy scent she didn't recognize on his skin and hair. "It wasn't a possibility before, but with the things he learned from the tests... Odine's going to use the data for new research. A way to not just suppress a sorceress's powers, but remove them."
"How?" came the dubious question.
"Well… Ultimecia knew of a way to pass on her powers. They can be transferred. Maybe it doesn't have to be in death. If a sorceress isn't that different from a GF, like Odine thinks, then maybe... maybe powers can be drawn? I don't know. I didn't really understand Odine's explanation."
Squall went cold at the word death. There wasn't a chance in hell that he would let Odine experiment on Rinoa with stakes like that. "Don't do anything without telling me," he demanded harshly, turning around to face her.
Letting her hand fall away from Squall's warm skin, Rinoa took in his worried expression. "Don't worry. After the bond… I'll never rush into something like that again. No more unnecessary risks." When the dangerous glint to gray-blues abated slightly at her explanation, she continued, "But you have to understand. Without the bond my powers don't have a single purpose anymore. They only make my life more difficult. If I can—If it's possible, I want to try and be normal. Really normal."
Squall fell silent as he considered Rinoa's words. He had tried to imagine what it would be like at times; living in constant fear of losing control, always needing to numb your mind with pills and your powers with inhibitors. Now that he was experiencing his own share of magic altering medication and control issues, he understood Rinoa all the better.
"Only if it's one hundred percent safe," he issued his condition. "You're not his test subject."
Rinoa nodded, a faint smile on her lips. "You'll be the first one I call," she said. "But really, it might never even happen. Odine's research could take years. Maybe he won't find a way."
Squall didn't reply, his expression drawn.
Rinoa nodded her head at the T-shirt still clutched in his grip. "Don't want you catching a cold," she said, wondering for the umpteenth time at Squall's overly pragmatic attitude towards nudity, the brunet never associating it with sexuality. It was a questionable trait; the ability to strip down in anyone's presence. It made him the perfect target for horndog blonds.
If any of that was real on Squall's side, don't you think I'd be busy fucking his brains out back at the apartment right now?
Watching Squall put his shirt back on, she tried to shake Seifer's blunt words, but failed. She almost didn't catch Squall's next words.
"Just be careful."
Pulled from her dark thoughts by his words, she lifted her gaze from Squall's chest to meet concerned eyes.
"I told you, I will." Taking her earlier promise seriously, needing to know Squall would be okay, she continued, "You too. With the trip and Ellone..." Faltering, she added what was really on her mind. "And with Seifer."
Squall frowned at hearing the same concerns Ellone had expressed. "Ellone's powers aren't dangerous. It's just memories. It can't hurt either of us."
Blinking at being so thoroughly misunderstood, Rinoa didn't know what to respond to first. Deciding she didn't want to know what that 'either of us' meant—what Squall was going to do with his own memories—she pushed on to say what she'd wanted to leave implied only.
"I meant with what's going on between you two... Be careful, okay?"
Catching on to Rinoa's implication, Squall felt himself run cold. Had there been marks on his back? Something he'd missed?
Watching Squall tense up, Rinoa clamped down on her feelings with everything she had. His expression said it all, as if she'd caught him in the act. Then Seifer had made his move... and Squall had given in. "I—I just don't want to see you hurt," she managed weakly. "That's all I wanted to say."
Squall floundered, at a loss for something to say. He hadn't intended for her to ever find out; hadn't intended the undeniable hurt that marred Rinoa's face. For the first time he felt a stab of guilt for what he'd been up to with Seifer. He had spared Rinoa no thought at all, hadn't even cared. Confronted with the sight of his ex-sorceress now, the girl fighting the quiver of her chin as she cleared her throat, he felt like a complete asshole.
"I guess you'd better go," she managed in a trembling tone of voice that sounded painfully fake. "Laguna's probably been anxious to see you all day."
The gently phrased request to leave was more gracious than he felt he deserved. For a moment he wondered whether he should apologize or explain himself, but he knew nothing he had to say would make it better.
Giving a terse nod, he turned and forced himself to walk away from the damage he'd just dealt. Rinoa didn't follow, offering only a soft "bye" to his back as he left. Angelo's whines were the last thing he heard as he rounded the hallway and stalked out of the penthouse. Slamming his palm against the button that would call the elevator, he wished he could be out of there already.
Back with Seifer, his traitorous mind added. Seifer would make him forget.
Frowning, he stepped into the elevator and tried to summon some poise. Seifer wouldn't be able to fix this. Nothing could fix this. Rinoa knew, and there was little he could do about it.
He let out a controlled breath, trying to unravel the tension that had seized his body. Striding out of the elevator the moment its doors opened, he made a beeline for his car. It was only when he got in, closed the car door on the outside world and dropped his head back against the headrest that he could begin to think clearly.
He wasn't even sure why this alarmed him so much. He deeply regretted hurting Rinoa, but this was more than that. Opening his eyes, he regarded his reflection in the rearview mirror. Perhaps it was because everything he'd done felt more real now. The first repercussion of his choices had made itself known, bringing to mind everything else that could go wrong. What he'd seen on Rinoa's face... It was his own worst fear.
The realization caused him to frown, but the conclusion felt true enough. If anyone had that kind of power over him, it would be Seifer. And he'd given it to the man freely. Feeling the familiar surge of panic, he stomped it out. It was too late now. There was no changing course, no stopping what he'd started. Even if he was heading straight for disaster.
A strange sense of calm descended over him as he stared ahead at the concrete wall of the underground parking. The tracks were laid out in front of him. All he could do was to let momentum push him forward, to whatever end. He didn't want to cut things off with Seifer, not even to save himself. He would see things through. He would let himself have whatever Seifer chose to offer.
The resolution was a daring one, sending a rush of adrenaline coursing through him. As if he was in free fall.
Feeling a measure of peace for the first time since landing in the bastard's bed, he started the engine. He knew of only one way to quench this eager feeling. He wanted to see Seifer.
~ o ~
A/N: Please review! It'll make our day :)