~ Chapter Thirty-Three - Forced Honesty
[Seifer Almasy's Apartment, Zayin House, Tuesday, 28th of October, 6:00 am]
When the alarm went off Squall felt like he'd only just managed to fall asleep. Screwing his eyes back shut, he groaned out a soft sigh. His day's schedule stretched out before him, potential disaster lurking behind every corner. To tackle it all with this little sleep was a daunting prospect. Telling himself he'd dealt with much worse in the past, he cautiously disentangled himself from Seifer's hold and pushed up to sit at the edge of the bed. The chill air lined his naked form with goose bumps. His boxer briefs and shirt still lay where they'd been discarded on the floor.
He looked behind him, his gaze landing on Seifer's face slack with sleep. The man hadn't even stirred. An unease fell over him as he sat there considering the lines of exhaustion etched onto Seifer's face. When the blond had slipped back into bed with him unexpectedly he'd been too tired and distraught to question any of it, but what little relief he'd felt at finding himself back in Seifer's embrace now failed to materialize. Seifer's words still stood between them. The man had offered no excuses, no promises. As for Seifer's touch... He hadn't known sex could be so raw; such a desperate necessity.
This morning was a far cry from how they'd woken up at the palace. It seemed impossible that only a day had passed since then. The small measure of confidence he'd found after that amazing night had mostly evaporated now. He couldn't even be sure what Seifer would say or do the moment the man awoke. For all he knew, Seifer hadn't changed his mind at all.
Squall frowned at being plagued by such discouraging thoughts first thing in the morning. Kneading his temple, he got up from the bed and grabbed a fresh pair of underwear. He had to get going, had to get ready. One task at a time. And a shower might just clear his head a little.
Forcing his sluggish moves into a more acceptable pace, he entered the bathroom and got into the shower after emptying his bladder. He set the temperature on a far colder setting than he would've preferred. Letting the water shock him awake, he went about his morning routine quickly, without much eye for detail. His hair would just dry at whatever angle it wanted to anyway, and no amount of grooming could undo the circles under his eyes.
Back in the bedroom, he kept his gaze away from the sleeping blond and focused on getting dressed. He cast his uniform a disheartened look as it hung innocently off its hanger and sighed, resigning himself to the inevitable discomfort of wearing it for an entire morning. Moves rushed, he pulled on the stiff fabric and strapped on the ridiculous amount of insignia and decorative contraptions. As if no one would take him seriously if he didn't show up with his every accomplishment pinned onto his chest.
A brief glance at the bed reassured him that Seifer would remain fast asleep a while longer. He knew he was avoiding the man; also knew that he couldn't afford to.
Coffee first.
Leaving the bedroom with a soft click of the door, he aborted his short trek to the kitchen when he spotted the glass shards still lying scattered on the floor on the far side of the living area. The whiskey had dried onto the wall in unsightly brown splatters. The room reeked of it.
He froze in place as he recalled the grimace of rage on Seifer's face. The impact of shattering glass. The shock of that booming voice, yelling at him, telling him to hit the man.
Frowning, Squall walked to the kitchen to wet a cloth and grab the small bin underneath the sink. One by one, he tossed the glass shards into the bin before wiping the floor. The stained wall improved only little with his efforts. A window would've been good to air out the stale room, but for now this would have to do.
He returned to the kitchen and set the bin and cloth away. Next he switched on the coffee machine and prepared himself a simple breakfast of dry toast. There'd be catering at the meeting in case his hunger managed to break past his exhaustion, so he didn't bother with attempting more. He set up his laptop on the coffee table for the customary final read-through of all the relevant files, his meager breakfast and medication set alongside it. His eyes skimmed over the words, the numbers, the names of all attending people. The lines blurred into meaningless scribbles, his tired brain unable to absorb any of it. His toast lay forgotten in his hand.
The meeting was important. A lot was at stake. But in that moment he couldn't bring himself to care. All he could think about was the man in the other room.
Seifer's drunken homecoming had been a crude reality check. It had been the most volatile episode yet. They were getting worse, closer together in time. Squall knew with certainty now that it was because of him. His presence was raking up everything Seifer had tried to put behind him. All his hopes were pinned on Winhill now.
If he even managed to get Seifer all the way to Ellone, let alone without any major incidents. Suddenly the thought of Seifer going to Odine's by himself seemed like a monumentally stupid idea. The doctor would pry and ask questions about Seifer's knighthood. Even if Seifer ignored those and stuck with the magic tests... It would do nothing to relax the man. It could set off another episode.
His phone had found its way into his hand, his finger lingering just above Quistis's number. He grit his teeth as he realized the futility of trying to reason with the woman. She'd understand his distress better than most, but she wouldn't condone his absence. If he didn't show up today, that would be the death of their plans. It would be considered a grave insult and an excuse to box any further mention of Esthar Garden. Quistis would not forgive him as easily as she had the day before.
He had to go to the meeting.
He couldn't let Seifer go see Odine by himself.
Laguna and Quistis were required to attend the meeting themselves. He couldn't count on either of them to stand by Seifer. There was only one other person he could trust with this; someone who would care enough to bother. His finger moved to her number. They hadn't parted well. It was probably wildly inappropriate of him to even consider this. It was also his only option. She would understand.
He called her number before he could change his mind. The ring tone stretched out for a long time, until finally his call was answered.
"Squall?"
Rinoa's voice was thick with sleep, her greeting followed by the sound of rustling sheets. Squall winced inwardly at having woken her up. He'd forgotten all about the early hour in his rush to address the situation. "Sorry to wake you."
"It's okay." Another rustle of fabric sounded as she shifted in her bed. "Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for the meeting?"
He couldn't help but notice the guarded tone to her words, carefully collected in a way he wasn't used to. "I'm leaving soon, but… I need your help."
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" came the immediate reply.
"It's Seifer," he said, deciding on bluntness. Better to get it all out in one go. "He has an appointment with Odine this morning. I don't think he's ready to handle it alone. I can't let him go by himself."
A long silence fell as Rinoa processed what he'd just said. "Are you asking me to go with him?"
"Yes."
"Why?" She didn't let him answer, her voice growing agitated. "Why ask that of me? You know how I feel—" She cut herself short, drawing in an unsteady breath.
Squall frowned at her distress, once again feeling like an asshole. "You're the only one I can ask," he explained, suddenly less certain she'd be understanding. He searched for the right words. "Quistis came by last night. I had to tell her—"
"Quistis? At Seifer's place?" Rinoa interrupted, managing to sound both incredulous and worried at the same time.
"She might come to see you as well. Probably after the meeting," he remembered to warn her.
A groan sounded over the line then. "Hyne. I'm sure she won't have anything pleasant to say."
"She's calmed down."
"I bet," Rinoa said with a disbelieving snort. "So she knows about Seifer. How did that go?"
"As well as you would expect," Squall said with a sigh, resting his head back against the couch. He disliked going behind Seifer's back like this, but then again the man had had no qualms in doing the exact same thing. And Rinoa needed to know the full extent of things, especially if she'd be dealing with Seifer in a few hours. "They talked things out in the end, but... She showed him a picture. It was taken at the orphanage, on the beach—"
"I've seen it. The whole gang, playing in the sun, right?"
"That's the one," Squall said. "It made things hard to explain. I had to bring up Matron."
"Oh gods." Her voice was soft then. She'd caught on immediately. "How badly did he take it?"
"He disappeared all night. Got drunk." It was a tame description, but it would have to do. "I need to get him to Winhill, but the way things are now... If he has to deal with Odine as well—" Squall shook his head, refraining from burdening her with the darker aspects of Seifer's trauma. "He might bail."
Rinoa let out a sigh. Another long silence fell as she considered his words. "How would it help if I'm there?" she asked feebly. "Won't I make things worse if I show up? I mean... We don't exactly get along anymore."
She would say yes. She'd go. Squall firmed his voice, pressing on. "Odine won't stop until he has everything he wants. I need you to keep him on track. Stop him from asking questions about Seifer's time as a knight."
"What exactly is he going in for?"
"Magic tests," Squall said. "He needs meds, fine-tuned to him specifically. For his recovery."
"His chances are looking good then?"
"Best to make sure."
"I can't believe you're asking this of me." She sounded beyond tired, her tone clipped with tightly controlled emotion. "But I'll help you. On one condition. Tell me the truth. The whole truth. You owe me that much."
He grew still, his stomach flipping uncomfortably. She could mean only one thing. When he didn't immediately volunteer what she wanted to hear, she pressed on.
"What's going on between you and Seifer?" she asked with a determination that sounded vulnerable to Squall's ears.
"...Rinoa."
"I need to hear you say it." Her voice cracked on the words. "For once in your life I need you to be honest with me. With yourself."
"I—" He pinched the bridge of his nose, unable to see how it would improve anything, but he couldn't afford to ignore Rinoa's ultimatum. He'd had enough fights with her to know when she'd dug in her feet. If he didn't give her what she wanted, then Seifer wouldn't get the help he needed. It was that simple."I'm not sure," he relented, resigned to forced honesty. "Everything's been going so fast…" He trailed off, unable to describe the whirlwind of the past few days any better.
A long silence fell before she spoke again. "Are you sleeping with him?" she asked softly.
Squall winced at the question that left no room for prevarication. They both knew she'd already guessed the answer. "...Yes."
Rinoa drew in a quivering breath at his admission. "With drugs?"
Squall wished she'd never known about that particular lapse in judgment. He couldn't even reasonably explain to himself why he'd done something so spectacularly stupid. "No."
"...Do you love him?"
He scowled at what she demanded of him. "I don't know—"
"Don't lie to me," she said firmly, her voice quivering.
He was stunned into silence by her bluntness. It was unsettling to have her see through him so completely, even without the bond.
"I don't know what love is supposed to feel like," he started over, dreading her next words.
She laughed a miserable laugh. "Yes, you do. I felt it. When you were with him." Her voice turned terribly flat. "Are you really telling me that was just drugs?"
"...No," he heard himself say. "But it doesn't matter."
That stopped her in her tracks for a moment, before she replied with outrage. "How could it possibly not matter?"
"If he doesn't come to Winhill with me—" he started, hating the emotion in his own voice. "If he can't let go of the war... How I feel won't matter."
Rinoa huffed out another laugh, a trembling and unconvincing sound. "You've always been such an idiot," she said, chiding him in a way that was jarring in its familiarity. "It's never mattered more, silly."
The fondly exasperated tone felt wildly out of place, and her remark made no sense to him. If Seifer couldn't stand to be around him, then there would be nothing he could do about it. He couldn't erase or change their past, no matter how badly he wanted to.
"What time should I be there?"
Squall blinked, having trouble making the jump back into calmer waters. "...Nine."
"If things are really as bad as you say, it's probably for the best if you don't give him a heads-up. Better not give him any extra reason to bail out or refuse help."
When he failed to immediately agree or disagree, she carried on. "Well then... I guess we should get going, huh?" She inhaled deeply, as if steeling herself. "I'll do what I can to help," she promised earnestly. "Call me when you get back from Galbadia, okay?"
"I will."
"Alright… Take care, Squall. Bye."
He looked back at his phone when she hung up. He'd bought Seifer the help he needed, but at what cost he wasn't sure. To give voice to any of it had made it all the more real. Right when it might all end.
Remembering himself, he glanced at the time on his phone. He only had a little time left before he had to leave. He couldn't shirk his responsibilities no matter how much he wanted to and he'd made the necessary arrangements. It was out of his hands now. Either Seifer would show up at the station or he wouldn't.
He got up from the couch and put away his laptop in his work bag. There was nothing else to do before he left. He'd already packed his gear for Galbadia the day before. His two gunblades were impeccably clean and polished as well. He couldn't think of a single other thing to delay him, so he forced himself to walk to the bedroom door.
Opening it at a crack, he peered inside before pushing it wide open. Seifer hadn't moved an inch since he'd last looked at him, the man still sound asleep. He had to wake him. At the very least he had to announce that he was going to the meeting and make it clear that he still expected them to go to Galbadia.
"Seifer," he called out, remaining in the doorway. When the man grumbled incoherently, only to roll onto his side and burrow further underneath the duvet, Squall let out a sigh and walked up to the foot of the bed. "Seifer," he repeated more loudly.
Grimacing, Seifer brought a hand up to knead at his eyes. It was a fucking crime to pull him out of such deep sleep, when he felt so Hyne-damned tired.
"What?" he grumbled, not moving a single muscle.
"I have to go. The meeting."
Turning around under the duvet to face Squall, Seifer bravely attempted to open his eyes. At the end of the bed, he could make out Squall's silhouette, all dressed up and ready. In uniform.
"What's the time?"
"Almost seven," Squall replied, feeling his own exhaustion more keenly when confronted with Seifer's. When no reply was forthcoming, he grabbed the gear he'd packed for the trip along with Lion Heart's case. Revolver would have to stay behind for the sake of traveling light. He walked to the door, stalling before he turned in the doorway. "Train leaves at twelve thirty," he reminded in an even tone, as if he wasn't plagued by doubt. At least one of them had to remain firm and confident if this was to work. "I'll meet you at the platform."
"Alright," Seifer said, before rolling over and closing his eyes again.
Squall let go of the breath he'd been holding. The mumbled response wasn't exactly ringing with enthusiasm, but at least it was an affirmative. "Don't forget your appointment with Odine."
"Yes, Commander," came the sleepy reply, muffled by the blond's pillow.
The brief sign of levity, however slight, further eased him. Any other time the condescension might have rankled him, but it was a vast improvement compared to the previous evening. Glancing at his phone, he spared one last look at Seifer's turned back. He definitely needed to go now if he didn't want to be late.
"I'm off."
Listening as Squall left the bedroom and then the apartment, Seifer rubbed at his brow and temples. He was still exhausted, but Squall had reminded him of everything he needed to prepare for. He'd hoped to squeeze in another hour of sleep before getting up, but he hadn't packed a single thing for their trip. He rolled onto his back, spread out his limbs and let out a deep sigh. There was no way he could go back to sleep now.
Pushing away the duvet, he planted his feet firmly on the floor and ran a hand through his hair. Discarded tissues were strewn around, proof of what he and Squall had been up to just before falling asleep. He'd needed to be inside Squall so badly and Squall had craved it too. It had been enough to take the edge off the chasm he'd created between them, but not enough to fully bridge it. He'd fucked up so badly yet he still meant every word he'd said.
He knew he should end it, but with Winhill just around the corner there was no way he could. It was beyond selfish to ask this of Squall, but he wanted answers and he damned well wanted Squall. If there was any chance Winhill could fix it all, then he'd take that chance. And if they were on borrowed time, then he'd make every last second count. If Squall would let him after the scene he'd caused.
Picking up the used tissues from the floor, he dumped them in the bathroom trash can and glanced at himself in the mirror. He looked like a fucking zombie come back to life. Brushing his teeth and cleaning himself up, he got ready for the day. First Odine's lab and then their trip. He'd take the first as it came, no use in wasting more energy on the imp than necessary.
Putting on some clothes, he proceeded to grab everything he'd need for their trip and stuffed it in a duffel bag. Getting the sleeping bag from the back of his cupboard, he attached it to the bag and grabbed his tent from underneath his bed. Turning off the lights in the bathroom and bedroom, he looked over the mess. Not much different from how he usually left it before going on a trip. He'd deal with it when he came back. Slinging the duffel bag and tent over his shoulder, he grabbed Kronos and exited the bedroom.
His eyes fell to the cushion still lying where he'd placed it on the couch the night before. Where he'd intended to sleep. He was relieved he hadn't let things end that way. Reaching the couch, he dropped the bag and tent to the floor and set down his gunblade case. His eyes were drawn to the new stains on his wall. No shards. Squall had picked them up. He'd yelled at the man to leave, but Squall had stayed. Squall had waited up for him, had dealt with his drunken bullshit at an ungodly hour, all on a night before an important meeting.
He looked over at the front door, wishing he'd demanded a kiss before Squall had left. He hadn't even had the fucking brain power to fully take in the sight of Squall in commander gear and he'd been looking forward to that like a dog in heat. Shit, he missed the man already.
Grabbing the phone in his pocket, he navigated to Squall's nickname and typed out a message, but just before pressing 'send' his fingers stilled. He'd fucking hurt Squall, yet here he was, about to send the man a flirty message. But there was no way he'd apologize or grovel for forgiveness, not when he still meant it all. This would have to do. It was the only way to deal with this that wouldn't lead to them having the exact same argument all over again. Squall would know what it meant. That he still wanted him and that he'd go through with their plan. He pressed send.
- Message to SexLion / 7:40 am / Morning Princess. I'm packed and ready to go. Couldn't fall back asleep. Need your lips on mine and a whole lot more. See you on the train. -
Not expecting a reply, he almost put away his phone, but instead his fingers quickly tapped out another message.
- Message to SexLion / 7:43 am / Wear your commander gear for me soon. I promise I won't behave. -
Pocketing his phone, he walked over to the kitchen to grab breakfast when his gaze was drawn by an empty glass on the counter. A note was folded up beneath it. Frowning, he lifted the glass and unfolded the piece of paper.
Sorry I couldn't wait around to say goodbye. I just want you to know how glad I am we got to meet again. In a way you probably won't understand yet, you're like family to me. The same way the others are my family too. You're stuck with me, whether you like it or not. So next time I'm in the city, I'm coming to see that class of yours. Maybe sample some more of your cooking.
And Seifer, ease up on the flirting. I might just get the impression you have eyes for my Commander.
Take care,
Quistis
023 158 296 36
Unable to believe Quistis had actually left him such a friendly message, especially after the scene he'd caused just before storming off, he reread it a second time. It was beyond surreal that Quistis considered him family and wanted to spend more time with him. Just as surreal as her offer for him to return to Garden. He smiled at the last line of her note. Getting his phone back out, he added her number to his list of contacts and sent her a text.
- Message to Headmistress / 7:49 am / Just read your note. Give me a heads-up when you come. There's always room on the couch and food in the fridge. As for the Commander, who says I don't? Seifer -
He just couldn't let the opportunity to mess with her pass him by. When his mind immediately summoned Squall's reprimanding glare, he chuckled softly. The man would hate him seeding suspicion in Quistis's mind like this. But hey, it'd look a hell of a lot more suspicious if he was gay and didn't try to get into Squall's pants.
His phone buzzed.
- Message from Headmistress / 7:51 am / Did you just text Squall? -
His fingers flew across the screen.
- Message to Headmistress / 7:52 am / I did. Why? -
- Message from Headmistress / 7:53 am / Maybe keep a lid on whatever it is you're doing. I can't have him distracted like that during the meeting. -
Oh yes. He'd managed to stir a reaction from Squall. Even if he hadn't heard from the man himself, his purpose had been served. There was no way he could stop himself from sending the man another message.
- Message to SexLion / 7:54 am / Already imagining it? Your fly undone, your hands in my hair and your cock pressing into the back of my throat. I'd take it all. Suck you dry. -
With a wide grin, he hurried to send off another message to the Headmistress-to-be as well.
- Message to Headmistress / 7:55 am / There. Last one. Promise. -
- Message from Headmistress / 7:55 am / Don't make me confiscate his phone. -
Chuckling at Quistis's instant fallback to instructor mode, Seifer wished he could've seen Squall's expression.
- Message to Headmistress / 7:56 am / Told you. I'm done. I know what's at stake. -
- Message from Headmistress / 7:56 am / So you can actually manage restraint? Good to know. -
Another message appeared a few seconds later.
- Message from Headmistress / 7:57 am / We need to go in now. Good luck in Galbadia. I'll keep in touch.-
At the thought of Squall and Quistis heading in for their meeting, about to kick some Estharian bureaucrat ass, Seifer smiled and sent a reply. He'd have to get on with his own preparations as well.
- Message to Headmistress / 7:57 am / Enjoy the view while I can't. See you around, Quistis. -
Glancing at the provocative messages he'd sent a final time, he grinned and set his phone aside to fix himself a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee. Some of his grogginess lifted as he took a healthy gulp of the black liquid. Digging into his breakfast next, he considered his one-time instructor. His eyes fell to the woman's note again, penned in a careful and elegant hand. It was definitely weird to have Quistis back in his life, in a different way than he'd ever imagined. It even seemed like they could get along. Who would've thought.
Taking another sip of his coffee, he considered any future visits. If she'd ever mention the war or Edea again, he'd show her to the curb, but as long as she stayed clear of their past, he was game. It'd be interesting to let her sit in on one of his classes and he'd be more than happy to show her what Garden was missing out on. He got out his pills from Odine and swallowed them along with some more coffee as he mulled over the possibilities. Maybe he'd even take her up on her offer to become a Garden instructor at some point. If the plans for Esthar Garden came through that was. He'd never go back to Balamb Garden or any of the other Gardens, but a new Garden close by could work. He'd be able to fit it in on top of what he did at Arc's instead of his work at the SCTA. And he'd definitely make it work if it meant he got to be around a certain commander.
Catching himself, he snorted at just how quickly he'd gotten ahead of himself again. Just one unguarded moment and he'd been imagining a future where they were together. It had been so easy to imagine something like that after their stay at the palace. Fuck, Laguna had been one hundred percent on the money. He had it bad for Squall. The rival of his teens. The coldest bastard on the planet and he wanted to run off into the sunset with the man. Despite their fucking past.
Running a hand through his hair, he grabbed his things, then checked the time on his phone. He had to get going, but when he reached the front door, he stopped in place and looked back into the apartment with sudden reluctance. As much as he had wanted to get out on the road, it felt strange to leave. He'd made his first move on Squall here. They'd escaped their unforgiving past for a few amazing days. Whatever they were setting out for now… It could easily end badly. There were no guarantees. Taking a deep breath, he walked out the door.
~ o ~