Audrey sighed heavily and mumbled a few bad words under her breath as she threw her pen on the pile of paperwork lying in front of her. She leaned into the back of her chair, rubbing her tired face with her hands. She had been stumbling over damn boring protocol documents for hours now; she couldn't concentrate and this was driving her completely nuts. She had trouble admitting it, but she had no idea it would have been this hard. She had spent the last two weeks trying to avoid him whenever she could. She never thought keeping working in the same place with him around and act as if nothing ever happened would affect her that much. But yet here she was, acting like a dumb teenager when she was the one who dumped him.
The situation was slightly getting on her nerves. Breaking up with Neil was supposed to make things much easier and not the other way around, but since that night she hadn't stopped thinking about him. It was even more annoying because she wasn't the type to let her emotions dictate her behavior, she had never been the sentimental one and it didn't look like her for sure. This wasn't the first time she had to deal with a break-up, yet she had never felt so miserable before. When she divorced Kashal, it was certainly hard and not because she had loved him, but because it felt like the biggest failures she'd ever experienced. Throughout her life, she had always turned everything into a challenge, even her relationships. But this time it'd been different, she never considered whatever they had as a game. This time it was so much harder, because she loved him sincerely and it was terrifying her.
Usually, she was good at detaching herself from complicated situations, without letting it hurting her too much. It'd been a defense mechanism she had put in place years ago, after her father left without a word, abandoning her mother and her when she was only 7 years old. She had then convinced herself that keeping people at a distance and keeping control over her whole life would allow her to suffer less and never be disappointed again, and it had worked quite well so far.
Then Neil had entered her life and slowly made his way through closed doors and insecurities. One after the other, he had managed to break her locks and over the years, she unconsciously let him in a little more each day until real feelings took hold. It had been completely unexpected and she couldn't really tell when exactly she had realized she was feeling something much stronger than an attraction to him, though the near-death experience had certainly helped a little. It took them only a few drinks to cross the line and now she almost regretted it. Being vulnerable had never brought her anything good.
When she realized that despite all their efforts they couldn't get along professionally and that it could seriously compromise her place as Chief of Surgery, she started to have serious doubts about the viability of their relationship. She had always devoted herself entirely to her career and always put it first, it was the only thing she had managed to build up in her life and she had fought hard to get where she was now. She had taken blows and had worked through them. Some people would have buckled under, or given up but she had carved a place for herself and made it work. It was therefore out of the question to sacrifice everything for a man. Coming face to face with her supervisor – as if they were calling into the principal's office like two teenagers – hadn't helped and had given her the awful impression of being vulnerable even more and not qualified enough for the position she had recently been offered. She knew that Neil would have never had the courage to make a choice and would have been willing to sacrifice his own career for her, as he had already proved it when he gave up the Chief position for her. This was the reason she took the responsibility to choose for the both of them, and decided to end their relationship before one of them lost their jobs. At first, she was certain everything would be for the better. No relationship, no conflict of interest and no discord. It was, for a few days but she quickly realized that nothing had really changed in the end. They were making some effort to get along with each other despite the fact they weren't a couple anymore, they were both trying to pretend that everything was fine between them and that neither of them had bitterness or regret towards the other but it was getting more awkward with time. They were fucking good at acting and they were maybe able to trick the whole hospital, but not themselves. Breaking up with him hadn't made her feelings less important, quite the contrary. She was lost and didn't know what to do with everything she felt, she wasn't sure of anything anymore but it wasn't her type to go back on her decision, no matter how painful it was.
Despite all her efforts to focus on her paperwork, she could no longer fight the fatigue overwhelming her and she decided it was time to go home, since she was no longer good for anything anyway. She walked through the now emptied of all visitors hospital, thinking of nothing but her nice and comfy bed.
"Dr. Lim!" One of the nurses stopped her when she walked past the nurse station. She stopped and turned to the voice, the woman seemed quite relieved to have found her. "I need you to sign this paper."
"Put it on my desk, I'll sign it tomorrow first thing in the morning."
"I'm sorry, but it's really urgent. I have to send it before midnight today." Audrey sighed and walked towards her. She put her things on the counter and as the young woman handed her the document with a pen, her eyes caught the sight of Neil walking to the elevators. Her heart skipped a beat when she noticed the woman with him and she didn't miss the smile on his face as she talked to him about something she couldn't quite understand from where she stood. She had never considered Brown as a rival before but now that he was no longer in a relationship, anything could happen. Actually, it didn't really matter who would have ended up in Claire's shoes right now because just seeing Neil interact with another woman was hurting her deeply. It made her realize all of this was real, and that she no longer had the right to feel jealous or mad at something quite common. In this moment, she just wished she would have been the one chatting and laughing with him, on their way home.
"Dr. Lim?" The nurse snapped her out of her thoughts.
"Sorry." She mumbled and took the document to sign it. She handed it back to her right away.
"Is everything okay? You look a bit… exhausted, if I may say." The nurse shyly asked. Exhausted was a poor word compared to what she was feeling now.
"I just need a good night sleep, that's all." Audrey knew she was only trying to show some sympathy and did her best effort to offer her a polite smile, but she was really not in the mood to start whatever conversation she had in mind in the middle of the night.
"Ha, we all do!" The nurse snorted, and without adding word Audrey left the hospital with a mind full of confusing thoughts.