Azula is alone the first time she questions herself, her own desires, her own goals, her own motivations. She is alone the first time she questions whether they are truly her own or not. And she is alone when she realizes that they are not her own.
She was alone the first time that she broke down and she is alone as she does it again. The first time was worse, at least this time she knows what she is in for; visions of her mother and of Zuko and Iroh. All of them urge her to find what she wants.
Yet all of them tell her to take paths that they would.
And she finds herself directionless and anxious. She is almost certain that she is going to amount to nothing at all in a world that doesn't have a place for her and no opportunities to become something great and powerful.
She wonders if she wants greatness and power at all. Greatness, maybe. Power, she isn't sure if that is truly what she seeks. She knows that it is what her father seeks and what he had wanted for her.
She knows that she doesn't want what he wants.
But what does she want?
Sometimes she talks to Zuko. Mostly she keeps to herself, she thinks that it might be better if she does. If she keeps to herself the odds of her doing herself more damage is lessened. She stays in her room until he asks her if she'd like to join he and his friends (and her former friends) for dinner.
Her agreement is rather reluctant.
It is another first time.
The first time she has really talked to the Avatar and his friends outside of combat. She supposes they aren't so bad. They aren't like her, they aren't damaged and hateful. They are mostly nice, but she senses that they don't care for her. She supposes that she doesn't blame them.
She doesn't think that it bothers her until she finds herself wiping at subtly wet eyes a few hours later. It was such a simple thing, the dinner was, but she finds herself turning it over in her mind again and again. Scrutinizing every word, realizing which ones were off handed and out of place. And it is no wonder that they don't like her.
Decidedly, her first time speaking to them will be her last.
The first time someone knocks on her bedroom door it is the day after. She answers it, expecting to see Zuko or maybe her mother. Those two visit her often enough. The face she sees is Water Tribe. Sokka smiles at her.
"What do you want?"
"You're cranky this morning."
She frowns, "I'm not angry." Apparently she simply has an unfortunate personality.
He laughs, "if you say so."
"Did you come here to patronize me?"
"I came here to ask you if you're coming for breakfast."
She tilts her head. "Why?" And then she clarifies, "why did you come?"
He shrugs. "I can't have my breakfast without a helping of dry and cynical remarks."
Azula's frown deepens. He offers her arm a light punch, "come on, let's get downstairs, I'm hungry."
She follows him down the hall in spite of her decision to never speak with he and his friends again. She supposes that if she doesn't speak once she is down there, that she will still be true to her own word.
Zuko is right, she is a liar.
.oOo.
The first time she gets a sense of what she wants she is in company. She thinks that company has helped her gain this sense. She is certain of one thing; she is certain that she doesn't want to be alone anymore.
She is certain that she wants to be loved.
Sokka intertwined his fingers with hers and she stares at their hands, trying to get used what is really only a small ounce of intimacy. She thinks that he is aware that she isn't used to this. In that way he makes it easier. Discomfort and awkwardness are two givens, but he makes it as painless as it can be.
He doesn't push her for hugs, kisses, or cuddles. But he does cup and caress her cheek every now and again. Sometimes he takes her hand and touches it to his cheek. Mostly he likes to rub his thumb over the top of her hand. He also likes to run his fingers though her hair so she lets him comb it for her every now and again, even if he snags it and fashions her top knot lopsidedly. He is much too pleased with his work for her to tell him to redo it, though she does mutter that her servants do it better.
The first time she lets him hold her is almost indescribable. It is so warm. So kind that it is disorienting. She feels weak and queasy but somehow pleasantly so. She thinks that there is a sense of vulnerability involved, but he doesn't take advantage of it and so she leans into him, pressing her cheek against his collar and nuzzlin the top of her head in the crook of his neck. He squeezes her and it is somehow euphoric, comforting like the kiss of Ember Island sun on her skin or like a few melodic chords played on a zeither. In the strangeness of it she feels sublime and in her weakness she feels almost safe.
The first time he holds her is the first time she thinks that she might be capable of love. The first time he holds her is the first time she says it out loud, "I need a purpose."
He blinks at her, "what?"
"I need something to do. Zuzu is the Fire Lord, you all save the world. I need something to do."
Sokka smiles and ruffles her hair. "You can help us save the world, you know. There's always someone or something that needs help. You can come with us until you find something that you like doing."
Azula nods. "I like strategizing and I like…" she trails off. She likes history and firebending. She nods again, this time more to herself than to him, before saying as much.
"Well Zuko needs a lot of help keeping things organized. You can be an advisor." Sokka suggests. "Or you can teach people lightning bending, you're a master."
"Master." She tries the word. "I don't think that I'm a master yet there are still techniques that I have to learn…"
"Then that's what you can do! You can become a master and then teach other people what you learned. And you can go to the other nations and learn how they bend! Aang likes to command stuff like earthbending with firebending. You can do that. And while you're in the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes you can learn their history. And you can plan the whole trip." He stops for a breath. "That's like three things you enjoy all at the same time."
She laughs but it sounds like a rather solid start.
"Are you going to come with me?"
He brushes a hand over her hair. "Of course I'll come. If I don't then who's going to provide the tomfoolery?"
"We could, perhaps, have an idiocy free trip."
"Not a chance!" He declares as he gets to his feet. He extends his hand and helps her up.
With some hesitance, she wraps her arms around him. It is the first time she initiated contact. It is his permission to take a chance. The first time he kisses her it is on the forehead.
She lets him do it and almost asks for another.
Almost.
Perhaps she will have another when they begin their journey. She hadn't realized that one first time could lead to so many more of them. She can't say that it is a bad thing. The first time he sweeps her off her feet is clumsy, he nearly drops her. But he carries her back into the palace as she protests his whimsical antics.
This is not a first time.
She constantly questions his antics.
It is, however, the first time she is willing to tolerate them and accept them for what they are.
For the first time, she feels like she is her own person. For the first time, she thinks that she is finally Azula.