Thanks for the reviews. It's nice to know people like the direction this is taking.
So I'll be continuing the storyline with Shepard using Logic and Common Sense.
Just FYI guys, action scenes will not be a focus here. By that I mean I'll skip them entirely. Unless I can insert something hilarious into it.
Enjoy.
Onboard the unnamed shuttle taking them away from the station that remained unnamed- to him anyway, Shepard figured at least one of them needed a name. Or maybe both?
Oh hell, why not. He had nothing to do anyway, studiously ignoring the meaningful-conversation-starter glances he was getting from the bearer of the Ass-That-May-Not-Be-Legit.
Lazarus Station? Nah, too boring. Too… normal.
Hmm… This required appropriate thought, after all, he wasn't dead – Wait. That's it. He had a name. The perfect name.
He's Not Dead Yet Station.
Shepard congratulated himself for that little bit of mental gymnastics. Bring out yer dead! Heh. Classic.
Satisfied with his choice for the station, Shepard turned the efforts of his -in his humble opinion- razor sharp mind to coming up with a name for the valiant steed he was currently in.
He paused. He definitely could have phrased that better. Even within the confines of his own head. Especially within the confines of his own head.
Redirecting his imagination before it constructed any terrifying visuals, he brought his focus back to naming the shuttle.
The Pale Horse?
…
…
Shepard mentally bitchslapped himself.
He continued to ponder his situation; alone, no trusted backup, adrift among the stars with a burning desire to get to somewhere familiar. Like that Greek guy-
Shepard smirked. His amazing brain had done it again, he had a name.
The Odysseus
Following a twisted and random thought process that was terrifyingly similar to a certain Merc With a Mouth, the full name was finally clear to him.
The CSSU Odysseus
The Commander Shepard Space Unicorn Odysseus.
Cause testosterone loaded badasses need to ride in on unicorns for maximum effect.
Miranda's attempts to get his attention now included grunts and tongue clicks, that Jacob seemed to be quite entertained by. Could he get her to start a mime if he kept up his indifference?
Nonchalantly ignoring her increasingly obvious efforts to gain his attention, Shepard stared out of the window.
Space. That non quantifiable little thing that contains the universe. Or was it the other way around?
As Shepard pondered the mysteries of space/universe, his gaze drifted to his reflection.
With the force of a charging Krogan horde, he was brutally reminded of the pending Very Important Talk with the Head Quack seated in front of him.
"So… Miranda. You're the project director of Lazarus, correct?"
Miranda's increasingly annoying 'notice me' vibe vanished along with her antics, replaced with a more serious visage, much to Jacob's disappointment.
"Yes, I poured two years of my life into the project – into you."
'Oh that didn't sound creepy at all.'
"Two years and virtually unlimited resources yes? With all the bells and whistles, cutting edge tech. That's an awful lot of risky investment for one man."
"Well Shepard, you're a bloody icon to Humanity, you're the golden poster boy to rally around. The project could be worth it, according to the Illusive Man."
"Ah, funny you should mention that. 4 billion credits spent, and you couldn't fix my face. The face is kinda necessary for a poster boy, wouldn't you agree?"
Shepard's smile was beginning to look a little scary now.
Miranda was caught flatfooted by the unexpected direction the conversation took. This was not how she was planning to lead into the psych evaluation questions.
"Well… I fail to see how your face factors into this..?"
Shepard's smile became positively sharklike.
"You mean to tell me that you don't understand the upper hand in negotiation is influenced by looks? Business 101. And here I thought you were intelligent enough to run this shit. Hm. If this is the level I'll be working with, I'd like a corpse with a transplanted varren brain as my second in command."
"I… you were woken up early, your scars should heal soon enough.."
Shepard raised an eyebrow.
"Then why didn't you open with that statement? Unless….. you like being insulted and are secretly a masochist with daddy issues?"
Miranda choked on air, while Jacob began to silently convulse with laughter.
Shepard lowered his eyebrow.
"Relax, it's a free galaxy, I don't judge."
"I'm not – Jacob stop laughing!"
"Uh huh. So tell me about these thermal clip things. They offer no significant upgrade to power while limiting the number of shots. What's the rationale behind this?"
"Of course Commander, in the two years you were asleep, we decided to switch to using universal thermal clips to cool down the weapons. The advantage is that a thermal clip does not have to be limited to a specific gun type. The same thermal clip can be used to cool down a pistol or a rifle. A lot more convenient."
"So if you run out of thermal clips, the old cooldown method takes over?"
"What? No, that isn't-"
"Let me handle this Miranda", Jacob decided to intervene. "No sir, the old heat dispersion systems were removed to make place for the modular thermal system. It also improved targeting."
"I see. Whatever works for you people I suppose. In any case, I need you to requisition weapons with the older system for me."
Jacob looked slightly confused, "Uh Commander, we don't have those."
Shepard rolled his eyes, "That's why you need to requisition some from other suppliers. I'm sure even Cerberus can't fuck that up."
By now, Miranda had managed to gather some of her wits. Unfortunately, those wits were nowhere near enough.
"Shepard, nobody uses them anymore. Nobody makes them anymore."
A cold feeling grew in the pit of Jacob's stomach. He had a feeling the Commander was not going to be amused.
Miranda's frustration at not controlling the conversation was the final, albeit unintentional nail in the coffin.
"They're old tech. Obsolete. Things grandpas tell their grandchildren about! Thermal clips are just better!"
Shepard suddenly became very, very still.
Defying all known laws of physics, the temperature controlled atmosphere of the CSSU Odysseus dropped down to that of a Siberian winter.
Sometimes, Jacob just hated being right. Hopefully Miranda would get the hint.
Miranda wasn't done though. "And the old tech made targeting so difficult! Stormtroopers shoot better than that!"
Jacob whimpered. He just had to tempt Murphy didn't he?
The atmosphere now reached Ice Age levels. And did Shepard's eyes just glow red?
"Oh?"
With great control, Jacob did not void his bladder at the demonic tone. Miranda had frozen still, it was unclear if she was still breathing.
"It is highly unlikely that the rest of the galaxy has also sent away their common sense on a one way trip to Andromeda. I'm sure there's people out there with the old weapons. I doubt the designs have disappeared, surely your puppy organization can handle some manufacturing."
Miranda drew a deep shuddering breath, "Yes, we can do tha-"
"And did you just imply that I am old enough to be a Grandfather?"
Shepard - somehow – had steepled his fingers in front of his face -without using a table- in the legendary Gendo Ikari pose. Combined with the Kubrick Stare with Red Eyes, it was enough to make a Vorcha rethink it's life choices.
Miranda's systems almost crashed. She retained enough self-preservation to attempt to mitigate this force aimed at her. Screw the Illusive Man's psych eval questions!
"I...I think the Illusive Man would be better at explaining all of this..."
"Hm. Very well. However ..."
"Yes?" Miranda asked, almost eager to know what else she must do to avoid that force.
"Use Stormtroopers as a standard for aiming again, and I'll use you as a live target."
Miranda passed out.
Meanwhile Jacob had retreated into his happy place. However that had a side effect.
"Jacob? Why are you doing sit-ups?"
Note – References to Monty Python for the station name, in case anyone's unclear (Monty Python & the holy grail)
I'm still not sure why I worked on this chapter today. I should be studying for my N5 on Sunday.