I've put up the disclaimer once in the first chapter, that should be enough.

Also, I'm aware that it's been a while, that's probably because I had no real direction to take this story past a one shot kinda thing. Guess we'll make it up as we go along.

Keep reviewing people. That's the best way I get feedback. Didn't like a scene? Thought the humour was stretched a bit? Please let me know.

P.S: you might get more than one notification for this, I'm editing a previous chapter too.

Also, if you spotted any references, here's a cookie for you.

Aboard the CSSU Odysseus en-route to unknown Cerberus station

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"Huh… Looks like one of those see-saws at children's playgrounds."

"Sir? What does?" Jacob asked hesitantly.

"The space station in front of us obviously. Do try and keep up Jacob."

Jacob now found himself wondering if the Alliance might have been onto something with their whole "Don't ask questions, just follow orders". It would certainly explain how they remained functional.

Miranda sighed. Explaining Shepard's previously undocumented mannerisms to the Illusive Man was not something she was looking forward to.

Unknown to either of them, Shepard's unpredictable routine was just that – a routine. He was carefully analysing the structure of the station, the ships guarding it, and potential weaknesses that he may be able to sabotage. Cerberus were terrorists after all.

Three of the fifty marines slaughtered at Akuze were from his unit in Marine Basic training.

Shepard never forgave. And he never forgot.

But unlike a certain Gunnery Sergeant with a giant cactus of righteousness up her ass, Shepard was of a more efficient sort. He'd take what they offered and more, and then watch them burn while sipping on a well-aged whiskey. Maybe even light up a cigar in celebration.

Shepard continued his planning, coming up with increasingly creative ways to guide Cerberus to it's final fate. It was probably for the best that Miranda hadn't implanted a control chip. A glimpse of Shepard's plans would have caused the chip to seek therapy.

At the exact moment Shepard set foot on the station, far away, in another system, Jack Harper felt an all too human chill go up his spine. He dismissed it as a temperature snafu and made a mental note to have the ventilation checked later. He had a resurrected man to manipulate.

Aboard the station

Shepard blinked.

He was in a large-ish room that wouldn't look out of place at a busy clinic, or a small hospital.

A man staring out of the window next to the row of seats, a clerk working on a terminal-

'Wait a sec- That's just Confused Corsair and Catsuit Complex.'

'I took literally one step forward, how in the ever loving hell did they get over there?'

Shepard mentally shrugged. That physics glitch would probably be patched in the next universe update. He had more important things on his plate for now, such as getting answers from this self-styled Illusive Man. How large of an 8th Grader Syndrome did this guy have? With the amount of crap Shepard had seen around the galaxy, he wouldn't be too shocked to find an actual 8th grader running this operation.

... Alright, that was probably stretching it a bit.

Course set, he headed towards Jacob 'Confused Corsair' Taylor for directions to the Illusive Man.

"I wouldn't keep the Illusive Man waiting."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "That's obvious, you aren't a SPECTRE that takes particular pleasure in killing things that offend him. Would you like to be added to that constantly decreasing list, or would you rather point me towards the leader of this group of rugrats?"

"No sir! I mean yes sir! Miranda would probably be the better person for that, sir."

Rolling his eyes – something Shepard had a feeling he would be doing quite a lot of in the future – he headed towards Miranda.

"The Illusive Man is waiting for you in the other room."

Right. Shepard had forgotten Catsuit Complex's original designation as Overly Annoying Announcement Voice.

Moving past her, Shepard continued on into another passageway, down a set of staircases into an empty room with a circle-of-light thing in the centre, clearly a communications device.

Stepping on it and letting it do it's scanning thing, Shepard mentally checked the box marked 'Chicken' for the Illusive Man.

"Commander Shepard."

This came from a man seated on a chair puffing on a cigarette with his back to what looked like a sun. Remove the man and chair though, and it would most definitely be a bitchin' wallpaper.

"Illusive Man" -*snicker* -"I thought we'd be meeting face-to-face. But really, calling yourself the 'Illusive Man'? What, was 'Darth Edgelord' already taken or something?" - *snort* - "Nah...I think I'll call you Tim."

To his credit, the Illusive Man took the hit without flinching... too much.

"A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know."

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Another mental check for the box marked 'Delusions of Grandeur' then.

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"Yes, I'm sure the crew of the Normandy and all the ship logs were just chopped liver all along. What a cunning masquerade." Shepard's voice was positively drowning in sarcasm.

"You need to put your personal feelings aside. Humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence."

'Oh you haven't the faintest idea of what I'm putting aside right now ya wrinkly muppet.'

Shepard felt it was best to move this conversation along before he said something he would not regret.

"Enough with the foreplay Timmy, this is about the Reapers, not your fragile ego. See a bloody shrink for all I care."

"Good to see your memory's intact. How're you feeling?"

"Did you not hear what I said mere seconds ago Timmy? Cut the bullshit."

"Cerberus isn't as evil as you believe. You and I are on the same side; we just have different methods."

"I swear if you don't say anything useful in the next few seconds, I will track you down and lock you in a room with a horny krogan."

As the Illusive Man was about to disregard this warning and continue his monologue, something deep within his psyche, something very primal in nature screamed at him to - maybe just once – skip the grandstanding and get to the point. Which he did, after a slightly confused pause.

"While you've been sleeping, entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies. We believe it's someone working for the Reapers, just like Saren."

"And I'm sure you haven't notified the Alliance with this information. Probably because you don't have proof or something equally inane." drawled Shepard as his eyes narrowed slightly. '...Or because Cerberus wants to use me as a pawn in their games somehow... Yes, that seems more likely.'

This suspicion continued to rise as Timmy continued to drone on about the Alliance rebuilding after the Battle for the Citadel, and not having enough resources to verify this threat. Also mentioning that blaming the abductions on mercs and pirates was easier for the Alliance.

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'Balls. The Alliance has Naval Intelligence and Special Ops for a reason. This is that reason.'

Out loud, Shepard said, "You could have trained an entire army for what you spent on bringing me back. Why?"

The Illusive Man took a drag on his cigarette before responding, "You've fought them. You stood for Humanity at a key moment; you're more than just a soldier – you're a symbol. But most importantly, you've killed one. I'm banking on the hope that you can do it again."

"Yeah yeah. Also get me weapons that don't require thermal clips, like the ones in service not 2 years ago. Make them from scratch if you have to."

"I'll see what I can do Shepard."

'Hm. Time to pay a visit to Anderson and Alliance Command. The SPECTRE offices may have something too. But for now...'

Shepard's priorities were set. Endangered civilians first, death of a terrorist organization coming in close second.

"Give me all the information you have. Unfiltered. I'll decide for myself."

"I'd be disappointed if you just accepted this without seeing it for yourself. I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the last colony to be abducted. We can start there."

- One overly long Tim monologue later-

Shepard headed out of the room and informed Catsuit Complex and Confused Corsair that they were now his bitches, and to grab their gear and get to the Odysseus pronto.

Miranda opened her mouth "Now just a minute Shepard, you don't get to call us that, we deserve -"

.

Shepard gave her a look; the half-healed glowing cybernetics only enhanced the intimidating effect.

This led to Miranda shutting up and shivering; remembering the Siberian Winter she had indirectly caused in the Odysseus. But it wasn't quite enough for Shepard. ALL opposition would be crushed. Whether literally or figuratively made little difference to him.

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Shepard unleashed his Aura of Doom™

"I OWN YOU NOW."

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A mental switch broke. Miranda whimpered. "Yes Daddy."

"...What?"

"….."

Surprisingly enough, it was Jacob that came to the rescue and immediately dragged her away, unknowingly saving the integrity of their outfits from an uncontrolled bowel movement.

As they disappeared into the shuttle, Shepard's expression sharpened. Timmy boy had been very good at evading answers to the questions that mattered. Like the whereabouts of his crew, for example.

But most importantly, he never confirmed that he could source weapons without thermal clips.

.

If he couldn't, the Galaxy would have a lot more to worry about than a bunch of giant robotic squids with lasers.

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For Commander Shepard would be on the warpath. And that wouldn't end well for anybody.