Alright everyone, I know that last one was rough. I hope this makes up for it! Please enjoy.
Heathertail stood still.
She was at the RiverClan border where she and Minnowtail had met many times. The horseplace loomed next to her, a reminder of shared nights. She had tried so hard not to think, not to go back there, but…
There was nothing left for her in WindClan.
She sat, finally. Her body felt fragile and easily worn out, these days. The trip to the border alone had taken longer than it should have, all things considered. She couldn't run much, anymore; Kestrelflight had warned her against strenuous exercise. She felt like an elder. At least the elders had a place within WindClan, though; at least they taught the younger generations, minded the kits, recorded history…
Heathertail was nothing, anymore. She did nothing, merely drifted from place to place, hollow-eyed and silent.
Which was how she found herself on the RiverClan border, staring at the gully where she had watched shooting stars in another life, the reeds where she and Minnowtail had sat nestled together, the horseplace where they had whiled away nights, talking and sharing jokes and—
Heathertail, please.
But that was over too, wasn't it? Just like her place in WindClan. Minnowtail doesn't love me, she told herself. It didn't hurt anymore. A corpse can't be wounded, after all. Minnowtail doesn't love me. She told me as much. So I told her to leave, and now I just have to stay true to that promise.
She took a deep breath and settled down, tucking her paws under her chest. Her bones ached. And even if it feels like no one in WindClan understands or cares, and there's no cat I can speak truthfully with, and no future for me…
That hurt, somehow.
She peered into the stream nearby, half-expecting to see only the sky reflected. Perhaps she really was a ghost. But no, a reflection of Heathertail looked back. Her 'purple' eyes that had shocked Minnowtail out of words. Her broad tom's forehead. She swallowed. The cobwebs plastered over her chest that Kestrelflight applied daily. She didn't smell like heather anymore. She smelled like herbs and blood.
It was a clean wound, at least, Kestrelflight had said. No sign of infection.
She wished she could say the same for the place that Minnowtail had left behind. It was as tender and sweet as inflamed flesh, as festering and gaping, and it was going to be the death of Heathertail.
I don't need her. Heathertail shook her head and looked away from the stream. I don't want to see her.
Which she knew was a lie, because Minnowtail was standing across the stream and all Heathertail could feel was a great, trembling flood of relief.
"Minnowtail," she whispered. Have I finally gone mad? Am I imagining things now?
But the she-cat took a slow step toward her, bringing with her the sweet and salty scents of her fur and of RiverClan. Well, maybe I'm imagining scents too.
"Heathertail," Minnowtail breathed.
Heathertail bowed her head, hoping the apparition would leave. Another part of her hoped it would stay, keep her company, and give her one last feeling of being seen before Heathertail faded entirely, forgotten.
"I… I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd really be here," Minnowtail rasped. "I just… I needed to see you."
Heathertail lowered her head and prayed for her to disappear. Minnowtail soldiered on.
"I know what you said, I just… I have to tell you the truth," Minnowtail murmured, stopping at the edge of the other side of the stream. Heathertail smothered every treacherous hope that Minnowtail might cross it and lay down next to her.
"You've said enough," Heathertail forced herself to say.
Minnowtail was wordless for a moment, grief choking her, then shook her head. "I hurt you. And there's no excuse for that. But… I thought that maybe if… if you weren't so close to me, the Dark Forest wouldn't hurt you."
At the memory, phantom pain lanced through Heathertail's belly.
"I thought if you didn't love me, they wouldn't kill you," Minnowtail whispered, almost to herself. "I thought I could save you."
Well, I'm not dead. Is that the most I can say, now?
Heathertail gritted her teeth against the implications. She didn't save me. She hurt me. She broke my heart on purpose. Don't let her back in. "You're right. There's no excuse."
And she stood, even as her chest ached—Because of the wound—and her eyes stung, and padded back into WindClan territory.
Minnowtail didn't follow her.
Heathertail made her way along the border, far enough into WindClan territory that Minnowtail wouldn't see her, and then looped back to the horseplace. Her own weakness was like thorns in her heart, but she couldn't go back to camp. Facing her Clanmates again was unthinkable.
She and Minnowtail had always stayed on the outskirts of the barn, not wanting to attract the attention of the horses or the Twolegs. Today, Heathertail wound around the squared-off tree trunks that formed an entrance to the barn and padded inside.
It had the slightly muffling scent of hay, and a fainter one of cats. Sunshine filtered in from the cracks in the logs, dust motes spiralling lazily to the earth. Heathertail felt a great sense of peace wash over her; the barn felt like another world, entirely removed from the Clans or Minnowtail or Onestar. A loft far above her head sheltered more hay, and the ground beneath her paws was soft and covered in a light layer of hay and debris. Much easier on her stinging pads than the hard-packed dirt of the moor.
Heathertail stood still for a long moment, just breathing in the scents of the horseplace and the deserted barn.
"Hi, stranger."
Or not deserted.
Heathertail jumped, startled, and twisted around to see another she-cat in the entrance. She was a plump calico, about the age of Heathertail's mother Whitetail, and had clear, friendly amber eyes.
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't scent you," Heathertail apologized, ducking her head. "I… I didn't mean to trespass."
"Trespass?" The calico purred and stepped into the barn, padding confidently into the open space. The sunlight lit her fur as she made her way to the centre, and she stretched lazily. "No such thing. We're not Clan cats, here; there's no borders." Then she paused and turned to peer at Heathertail. "Oh! You—are you a Clan cat?"
Heathertail faltered. Should I lie…? Still, the calico seemed merely curious rather than suspicious. "Er, yes. I'm Heathertail, I'm… from WindClan." It felt like a lie on her tongue, and she tacked on, "Sort of."
"Sort of?" the she-cat echoed. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Heathertail from sort-of-WindClan. I'm Coriander."
Heathertail nodded, unable to shake the feeling that she was intruding. Still, Coriander was friendly, and the barn was immensely welcoming compared to the foreignity of WindClan's camp. "Do you live here alone?"
Coriander shook her head. "My mate Smoky, and my kits live here with me."
"Oh!" Heathertail blinked. Is my nose not working? She sniffed the air again and finally noticed the scents of a tom and kits, probably not older than a moon or two. Coriander also had the smell of milk about her.
"You can hunt if you like," Coriander offered. "You look skinny."
Heathertail let out a startled purr at the she-cat's frank observation. She caught herself, realizing it was the first faintly happy noise she'd made in moons. "I… all WindClan cats look like this."
Coriander purred. "Suit yourself, chickie. Don't worry about us, though, there are more mice than we can handle."
Heathertail's belly rumbled on cue and she felt her ears get hot with embarrassment. Coriander just gave her another amused look and then padded over to the edge of the barn, where an odd set of logs were arranged in ascending order. Coriander climbed up, disappearing into the hay on the loft, and Heathertail heard a rustling as the queen settled down. A moment later, the squeak of kits drifted over the hay and down to the floor of the barn.
Something about the sound made Heathertail's heart melt a little. Here was a simple life, of one queen and her mate and their kits. More mice than they could handle, and no expectations of Clan life.
Heathertail padded around the barn, her curiosity fed by Coriander's friendly demeanor. There was a large, black hollow trunk on one side of the barn, and as Heathertail carefully jumped atop the rim, she found it was full of rainwater. She hopped off, onto a haybale, and padded along the side of the barn. Just as Coriander had said, she heard the squeaking and skittering of mice within the hay as she moved about the barn.
For the past moon, she had really only been eating when Kestrelflight pestered her, but as she saw a little brown shape shoot across the sunlit earth, Heathertail darted after it and slammed a paw down, cracking its spine without thinking. She felt a real pang of hunger as she breathed in the fresh-kill. It was the sharpest feeling she'd felt besides heartache and loneliness in moons.
She pricked her ears, listening to Coriander's soft voice as she murmured to her kits and the snuffling of those kits as they fed. Then she looked back down at the mouse. I'll catch them some, too, she decided, and quickly ate the mouse.
It wasn't hard to find a couple more; the barn was practically overrun with them and they had grown fat and lazy on the seeds. Soon, Heathertail had three brown mice swinging from her jaws, and she padded cautiously over to the logs that Coriander had used to get up to the loft. The jump directly up would be far too high for a cat to make, so she put out a paw and tested the first log. It was sturdy, and after another few prods, she decided it would hold her weight.
She found Coriander nestled in the hay with three kits at her belly. The calico raised her head when Heathertail approached and eyed the mice appreciatively.
"I brought you these," Heathertail murmured, feeling oddly guilty for eating before the queen. But this isn't WindClan. Prey isn't scarce. There's enough for every cat, and I don't need to worry about who's eating first.
"That's very kind, dear." Coriander dipped her head. "The Nofurs don't come around so much anymore."
She dropped the mice at Coriander's side, retreating quickly in case the queen got protective of her kits. Coriander didn't seem worried about Heathertail, though, so Heathertail settled down a little ways from Coriander and began grooming.
Coriander ate slowly, pausing between mice to give one of the kits a brisk lick, and then looked up at Heathertail. "Would you like to meet them?"
Heathertail ducked her head shyly but Coriander seemed eager to show off her kits and stood, letting the kits detach themselves from her belly, before arranging them at her side.
"This is Dawn," Coriander began, pointing her tail-tip to a small gray tom with fluffy ear-tufts. "Pepper." She motioned to the calico she-kit who sat between her brothers, and then pointed her tail-tip to the largest kit, a russet tom whose chest-fur was a lighter shade of brown. "And Acorn!"
"They're lovely."
Coriander beamed. "Pepper looks like me, don't you think? And Acorn got my colouring, but he has his father's pelt."
"Where is Smoky?" she asked.
"Out," Coriander answered with an easy shrug. "He likes to laze about in the sun, days like these. Says the barn gets too stuffy with all of us around."
Heathertail huffed a purr at the idea of this large barn being too stuffy with four cats in it. It felt nearly uninhabited to Heathertail. "And how old are your kits?"
"I had them six weeks ago," Coriander told her, blinking warmly at the sleepy kits. They seemed eager to return to drinking Coriander's milk, and the queen settled down contentedly once more. "They grow every day!"
Heathertail lay down as well, knowing her Clanmates were probably missing her but feeling more relaxed than she had in moons. Coriander didn't seem bothered by her company; if anything, Heathertail thought the she-cat seemed a little lonely, or at least pleased to have some cat to introduce her kits to. The scent of milk, hay, and mice was so soothing that Heathertail soon felt herself drifting off.
She returned to camp around dusk, feeling the scents of the horseplace and Coriander's family clinging to her pelt. As she padded into camp, a sort of drowsy peace settled over her, even though she knew her father would berate her for running off.
Harespring gave her a curious look as she returned, which she ignored. Onestar didn't rebuke her, to her surprise. He didn't even leave his den. Heathertail wasn't sure whether he had noticed she was missing or not. Her mother offered her a rabbit to share, but Heathertail declined and curled up in her nest on the edge of camp. Her sleep didn't come as easily as it had in the barn loft next to Coriander.
The memories of meeting Minnowtail that morning crept in, unwelcome. There's no excuse, she repeated to herself, tucking her tail tighter over her nose. For the first time since the morning, her chest began to throb with pain. She hurt me. She doesn't love me.
That, too, had begun to feel like a lie.
Heathertail returned to the barn the next day. Harespring hadn't assigned her to any patrols, anway, she told herself. Kestrelflight had removed the cobweb and poultice and had told her it was healing well enough that she didn't need a new one. Her chest still felt tight and painful, but she didn't tell him that.
Smoky was there, that time. He stood quickly and bounded down from the loft when he saw her, not as friendly as Coriander had been. "Who are you?"
She paused in the entrance, keeping her fur flat. He won't tell me to leave, will he? Fear that she'd lose this peaceful place that she'd only just found struck her, but she dipped her head to the tom. "I'm Heathertail. I met Coriander yesterday. I'm not… er, you have lovely kits."
Smoky straightened a little. "Oh."
She peeked up at him. Too much to hope that flattery might work…?
"Well, thank you." He shook out his fur and eyed her. "Er… I'm sorry, but are you a tom or a she-cat?"
Heathertail snorted before she could help herself, then smiled. "A she-cat."
He nodded, still squinting at her, then turned and waved his tail to the barn like it was his territory. "Well, welcome to the barn, I suppose. There are plenty of mice if you get hungry."
"Thank you, that's very kind," Heathertail murmured. Even a tom with young kits is so generous here… What a strange world they have, all to themselves.
"Oh, Heathertail!" Coriander called from the loft. "Come up! Dawn's eyes changed overnight!"
She shot a look at Smoky, who shrugged and flicked his tail to the stepping-logs in a Go for it gesture. She ducked her head to him, then hurried up to the loft. Coriander was giving her kits a quick grooming as if to make them presentable for Heathertail. Heathertail purred, warmth blooming her chest as the kits stared up at her with round eyes.
Dawn's littermates still had their blurry, kit-blue eyes, but Dawn's own gaze had turned as yellow and warm as the sunshine that reached into the barn from the spaces between the slats.
Heathertail blinked kindly at the kits, then looked back at Coriander. "What beautiful eyes."
Coriander purred, the force of it making Dawn's fur shiver a little. The tom-kit stretched out a clumsy paw and wobbled over to Heathertail. He stretched up and peered at her out of his newly yellow eyes.
"Hello, little Dawn," she purred.
He sniffed her, cautious, then poked her chest with his little pink nose.
"Aww," Heathertail cooed, and gave Dawn lick on the top of his head. Satisfied with his investigation, the tom tottered back to his mother's belly.
"I think he likes you," Coriander murmured, rumbling another purr and nudging Dawn closer to her belly. "They're very shy, but I'm sure they'll talk to you when they've warmed up. If you stick around, I mean."
Heathertail blinked at Coriander. It was such an unassuming offer, but… still, the future it promised seemed so precious to Heathertail that she was answering before she thought it over. "I'd… I'd like that."
She wasn't sure what her plan was. As a moon passed and the wound in her chest closed with no sign of abatement from the ache in her heart, Heathertail found her paws leading her to the barn and RiverClan border more and more often. She didn't see Minnowtail again.
She was thinking about Coriander, Smoky, and WindClan as she hunted with her mother one day. She wondered about herself. Who am I, really? Not Onestar's son, not Minnowtail's mate, not a cat from the horseplace, not a ghost, not… She shook her head. She felt comfortable in the horseplace, certainly; more at peace and at home than she did in WindClan. But in WindClan, she still felt a certain sense of… being Heathertail. The horseplace was like an escape, somewhere she could forget about who she was. On the other paw, Heathertail wasn't sure she liked her WindClan identity at all. Could I be someone new in the horseplace?
"What are you thinking about?" Whitetail asked.
Heathertail blinked, shaking out her pelt. She'd put on weight since she started visiting the barn; the mice were fatter and more filling than scrawny rabbits. "Nothing, really."
"I'm worried about you," Whitetail said gently a moment later, stopping. Heathertail stopped too and turned to look at her mother. Whitetail's eyes were soft and Heathertail felt a prickle of guilt.
"Why? I'm fine."
Whitetail blinked, and then leaned forward and rasped her tongue over her daughter's ear. The gesture reminded Heathertail so much of Coriander and her kits that she felt tears sting her eyes. "Something's been different about you since the battle."
Heathertail gazed at her mother, wondering if she'd understand any of it. I can't tell her about Minnowtail.
"Is it Breezepelt?"
"No, Mom," Heathertail exclaimed, shaking her head.
"I just remember you two being close…" Whitetail said, eyes clouding with sorrow as she recalled her apprentice. "We all mourn the choice he made."
I don't, Heathertail thought mutinously. He betrayed us all. And so did Minnowtail. For the first time, another quiet voice piped up. But Minnowtail was trying to protect me. She fought for RiverClan. She killed the Dark Forest she-cat that attacked me.
"You can talk to me," Whitetail reminded me.
"I know," Heathertail murmured.
Whitetail paused, looking searchingly at her daughter.
"What?" she asked, her fur prickling again.
Whitetail smiled sadly. "Your father wandered when he was younger, too. Never seemed to be able to hold steady to one thing. If you…" Her mother's voice softened, and she dipped her head. "If you need to go, I understand."
Heathertail froze. Whitetail brushed past her, and Heathertail watched her go, feeling a strange grief trembling in her chest. She knows. Her mother had always been the most sensitive, understanding cat in the Clan, but her intuition was almost eerie. She knows I can't stay here.
She caught up to her mother, heart aching. "Thank you, Mom."
Whitetail sniffed, and then glanced at her. "I want you to be happy, Heathertail. I love you."
As her mother took the lead, following a rabbit scent, Heathertail felt her whole body clench with a silent sob. She understands. It was a feeling Heathertail had been missing for a long time.
Tails Twined
Heathertail decided to leave on a leaf-bare morning.
There was nothing particular about it, really. It was cold, but not the coldest day they'd had. The weak sun peeked out from between clouds, as fluffy and gray as Dawn's ear-tufts. She was accompanying Kestrelflight to harvest the last of the mallow at the edge of WindClan territory, near enough that she could see the snowy barn in the distance.
She was thinking of Coriander's kits, Pepper's energy and Acorn's shyness, Dawn's curiosity, the way they chased mice on clumsy paws and gasped as snow drifted down from StarClan. That wasn't particular either—she found herself reminded of the three kits often. She'd caught herself hoping to mentor one of them the other day and purred at her own foolishness. Harespring had remarked it was the first time he'd heard her laugh since she'd returned from RiverClan after the battle.
"Heathertail?" Kestrelflight asked.
She glanced at him, realizing he'd finished stacking the shrivelled mallow in front of them and was now waiting for her to bring it back to camp. "Oh! Sorry."
"What were you thinking about?" he asked as he bent to pick up the mallow.
Heathertail paused for a moment, then shrugged. "Nothing in particular."
As they were padding back to camp, Heathertail admitted it.
"I'm going to leave WindClan."
"What?!" Kestrelflight's jaw dropped open, the mallow tipping out onto the snow.
Heathertail nodded, numb to his shock. "I… I don't really know how to explain it, but—"
"Heathertail, you're leaving?" he exclaimed.
She smiled sadly. "Yeah, I think… I have to. When I was hurt so badly in the battle, it was like an… an old Heathertail died and… I'm not her. I don't belong here, not anymore."
"But—but—where are you going to go?" he finally asked, bewildered.
"The horseplace," she said. "I've been visiting Coriander and Smoky there, and I'm friends with the kits. They've got plenty of mice, so you wouldn't have to worry about me. Oh, Kestrelflight, I can't stay here, don't you see?"
He opened his jaws, shaking his head, then took a long breath and asked, "What are you going to tell your father?"
She set her jaw. "Nothing. I'm just going to go."
Kestrelflight nodded faintly. "Oh."
Heathertail leaned over and took the mallow he'd dropped. "C'mon." It was the right choice, she thought. She had nothing to say to her father that she hadn't tried to tell him a thousand times before. She knew he loved her, and perhaps she loved him too, in a complicated, painful way. It's time to let that all go, though. I won't see him again. And that brought a surge of relief that she hadn't dared hope for in a long time.
She could feel him brimming with questions as they returned to camp, but she left the mallow in his den and then padded to the entrance. He stood next to her, staring at her as she cast her gaze aimlessly over all her Clanmates, going about their lives. They seemed like strangers to her now. The moor, every stalk of grass she'd flattened with a pawstep, burrows where rabbits had been born, lived, before they'd become a meal to her… This was somewhere she had once belonged. Now it was time to go.
"You've been a good friend to me, Kestrelflight," she said softly, flicking him with her tail. "I'm sorry I can't stay. Don't ruin things with Harespring, alright?"
Kestrelflight huffed. "Those bones are buried."
Heathertail smiled. "Maybe. But you can dig. He'd take a second chance if you gave it to him, you know?"
He looked at her, then nodded. "Thank you, Heathertail."
She gave him a nudge and stood, stretching. "It's time for me to go, I think. You can tell everyone a fox got me."
He snorted. "I'm not going to do that."
"Alright." She purred, her paws feeling lighter than they had in moons. "You'll come up with something. Think of me fondly."
He rolled his eyes. "You'll still nearly be on our territory."
"That's true. You can visit me, if you like, but if Onestar turns up demanding I return to fulfill his personal prophecy, I'll line my new nest with your pelt."
Kestrelflight huffed. "I wouldn't."
"Bye, Kestrelflight."
"Goodbye, Heathertail." He watched her cross the camp, as casual and carefree as if she was merely going out to hunt on her own.
I'll be hunting on my own forever now, I guess, she thought as she pushed through the heather. The flowers shed their pollen onto her pelt one last time. Then again, even if they're not my apprentices, I can teach Dawn, Pepper, and Acorn to hunt. She thought of the way Pepper charged back and forth across the barn, haring after mice and occasionally a leaf stirred up by wind. StarClan knows they could use some technique.
Smoky greeted her when she arrived at the snowy barn. He had been around more during leaf-bare, once there was no more sunshine outside to laze about in. When he realized Heathertail wasn't going anywhere soon, it seemed to Heathertail that he'd begun to think of her as one of his own kits.
"Come in, you'll catch a cold," he grumbled as she stepped through the snow.
She submitted to being herded indoors, feeling some of the frost clinging to her fur melt in the shelter of the barn.
"Heathertail!" Pepper shrieked, hurtling across the barn toward her.
Heathertail yelped as she was tackled by the kit, then wrestled her playfully as Pepper tried to pin her. "Careful with my old bones."
Dawn and Acorn soon joined their sister in bringing Heathertail down. They could use a little fighting training, too, Heathertail thought as she knocked away Dawn's clumsy attempt to box her ears. The barn's safe, but once they start exploring, they'll need to know how to defend themselves.
"Don't play too roughly!" Coriander chided them, coming down from the loft.
"Mom!" Dawn exclaimed, ducking away from Coriander's grooming. The kits had grown tall, though they still hadn't properly filled out their frames and had paws too big for their bodies.
Heathertail purred and nudged Dawn, who continued trying to dodge Coriander's tongue. "You barn cats are too fierce."
Pepper stretched up, puffing her chest out. "I'm fierce!"
"Very fierce," Heathertail agreed, then looked over the kit's head at Coriander. "Could I talk to you for a moment?"
"Of course."
Smoky swapped in to be wrestled by his kits and Coriander and Heathertail padded up to the loft. They settled down in the hay and Coriander looked down warmly at her mate and kits.
"If it's alright with you, I'd like to stay," Heathertail finally admitted.
"Of course, dear!" Coriander purred. "You can stay with us any time."
Heathertail faltered. "I… I mean… permanently. I feel more at home here than I do in WindClan. And you and Smoky have been so kind…" She froze, suddenly doubting herself. Did I just make a terrible misjudgement? What if they kick me out? Am I going to have to go back to WindClan with my tail between my legs?
Coriander rumbled a purr and leaned over to rest her chin on Heathertail's head. "We'd love to have you. I'm sure the kits would be delighted to hear their big sister is staying now."
"Big sister?" Heathertail echoed, her voice rasping as she felt a raw sort of vulnerability swelling in her.
Coriander blinked warmly. "Yes, well, since you've started coming around more often… I think we've all sort of started to think of you as part of the family."
Heathertail opened her jaws but her throat felt too tight to say anything. Instead, she pressed her fur to Coriander's and began to purr. I don't know who exactly horsplace-Heathertail is, she decided. And I don't know if my heart will stop aching here. But this is more of a home than WindClan is.
She was surprised by how easily she slotted into life in the horseplace. It wasn't much different than spending a day with them, after all. She played with Dawn, Acorn, and Pepper, hunted for Coriander, and told Smoky stories about WindClan. She couldn't quite lay a certain pain in her chest to rest, but she wasn't surrounded by strangers anymore. She didn't have to meet Onestar's expectant gaze, or grieve for all the cats she hadn't gotten a chance to know, or fight their useless battles.
True to his word, Kestrelflight didn't tell every cat where she'd gone; no WindClan cats came looking for her. He himself did visit in new-leaf, though, or spring as Smoky and Coriander called it.
"You look well," he said as he arrived, shaking the snow-melt dampness from his pelt.
Heathertail bounded down the loft to greet him, rubbing her muzzle along his. "I am. The mice have fattened me up."
"Mice?" Kestrelflight swiped his tongue over his jaws, his eyes sparkling.
He spent sunhigh with them, catching a mouse for himself and introducing himself to Coriander and the kits. Smoky kept his distance, seeming a little suspicious of the new cat, but when Kestrelflight disappeared for a little bit and returned with dock for Acorn's tender pads, the grizzled loner warmed right up.
Heathertail stood outside with Acorn and Pepper, waving her tail in farewell to Kestrelflight when he told them it was time for him to return to WindClan. Dawn had drifted off for an early nap.
Kestrelflight paused at the edge of the path, between the barn and WindClan. For a moment, Heathertail thought he might ask her to come back. But all he said was, "You seem happier, Heathertail. I'm glad."
Heathertail dipped her head. "Thanks, Kestrelflight. I hope you're happy too."
Kestrelflight paused, and looked up at the blue new-leaf sky. Then he twitched an ear. "I'm trying."
She nodded and watched him leave with the kits at her side.
As she turned to usher the kits back into the barn, she caught a pair of eyes peering at her out of a bush from RiverClan territory. Her treacherous heart leapt, and Heathertail froze.
They disappeared a moment later. She let out a shaky breath.
"Are you okay?" Pepper piped up.
"I'm fine. Let's go back inside; it's time for your naps," she told them, shaking out her pelt.
"I'm not tired!" Pepper exclaimed.
Heathertail huffed. "I am."
The last of the snow melted and Heathertail saw no more signs of Minnowtail until one morning when Smoky padded into the barn, looking disgruntled.
"Another Clan cat's been sniffing around," he grunted when she shot him an inquisitive look. "No offense. She was as skittish as a moth when I asked her what she was looking for."
Heathertail couldn't help herself. "A dark gray she-cat with white chest-fur? And eyes the colour of honey?"
Smoky shot her a look. "What? Well, yes. Were you two... friends?"
Heathertail swallowed. "That's a long story."
"Hmm." He stretched, then padded off to lap up water from the barrel. A moment later, he raised his head and eyed her. "If you ever need some cat to hear it, I've been told I'm a good listener."
She snorted. "Thanks—Smoky." Then she cleared her throat. He shot her another look. Her ears burned. "What?"
"You just sounded like you were…" He squinted, then shrugged and jumped back down from the barrel. "Nevermind."
She cleared her throat again and pretended to be very focused on scenting the air for mice. Smoky padded out into the new-leaf sunshine and Heathertail shook out her pelt. Well, so what if I was going to call him 'Dad?' Coriander said they were thinking of me as part of the family.
As much as that filled a place in her chest with warmth, Heathertail still found herself joining Smoky at the edge of the path, looking into RiverClan territory.
"I'll tell you sometime," she mumbled, then tucked her paws under her chest. "Just not today."
Tails Twined
Minnowtail arrived properly about a moon after Heathertail told Smoky the story.
A great deal changed in that time; Acorn began styling himself as Acorntail, then finally confessed 'he' was a she-cat, in the same way as Heathertail. Pepper caught her first squirrel, proud as a peacock. Heathertail didn't have the heart to tell her it was only a chipmunk. Dawn appointed himself deputy of the barn.
Dawn and Acorntail were on 'sunhigh patrol,' a quick loop around the barn and back in time to share tongues with their family, when they found her.
"Heathertail! One of your friends is here!" Dawn yowled.
Heathertail snapped out of her half-sleep. She'd just finished grooming herself rather vigorously. Kestrelflight? she wondered, and stood, shaking the hay free of her fur, and stretched.
Not Kestrelflight, was the first thought Heathertail's mind saw fit to form when she spotted her.
Minnowtail stood in the entrance of the barn, the tips of her gray fur turned to gold by the sunshine. Her gaze, with all the warmth and life that Heathertail remembered, found hers immediately and stayed there, even as she seemed to almost sag with relief at the sight of Heathertail.
Still up on the loft, Heathertail froze. She's here. It had been long enough that Heathertail had gotten very, very good at burying the ache in her heart. When she saw Minnowtail, it came roaring back.
"Minnowtail," she managed softly, her paws already in motion to bring her down the stairs toward her.
"You're safe," Minnowtail whispered.
Heathertail paused at the base of the stairs, needing to keep her distance. "Why are you here?"
Minnowtail shook her head in a small motion, as if she simply couldn't believe what she was seeing. "I thought… you weren't at the Gatherings. No cat said anything, but…"
She had hardly considered what Minnowtail would think when Heathertail disappeared from WindClan's ranks. Part of leaving for the horseplace had been to not consider Minnowtail much at all.
"I left," Heathertail said simply.
Minnowtail nodded.
Dawn and Acorntail seemed oblivious. Dawn fluffed up his tail and squinted at Minnowtail. "Should I throw out the intruder, Heathertail?"
She took a deep breath, looked away from Minnowtail's ever-magnetic gaze. Then she said, "No. I think we need to talk."
Which was how Heathertail and Minnowtail ended up sitting on the roof of the barn, watching the sun dip below the trees. Minnowtail didn't say anything for a long time, so Heathertail was the one to finally break their silence.
"Why did you come looking for me?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not angry."
Minnowtail peeked at her out of the corner of her eye, then huffed and set her chin down on her paws. Heathertail stayed upright, looking out over RiverClan and WindClan territory.
"I missed you," Minnowtail eventually said, not looking at her. "And I couldn't bear to think you still hated me. If… if you do, then I'll find a way to live with it. I guess I have to. But I didn't want to leave it alone if there was a chance…"
"If there was a chance of what?"
"If there was a chance it didn't have to be this way."
Heathertail considered that. She didn't hate Minnowtail. She was scared, more than anything; scared that Minnowtail would hurt her again, or disappear, or get hurt herself. Wasn't it easier to just stay away? Wouldn't it hurt less, in the long run? Her heart thumped painfully in her chest at being so close to Minnowtail again without… without truly being close. Each beat seemed to say, No, no, no, it wouldn't. No, it isn't.
"RiverClan will be missing you, won't they?" Heathertail finally said as the sun disappeared beneath the trees and the world was snuffed out into dusk.
Minnowtail shrugged her shoulders, still not moving. "Maybe. I… I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong there anymore."
Heathertail held her breath.
"Like part of me died in the Great Battle," Minnowtail whispered, and finally turned her amber-honey gaze back to Heathertail. "And what was left was missing you."
Heathertail's throat tightened, but she admitted, "I felt the same way."
"Then…" Minnowtail breathed. "Then what?"
It wasn't a demand, Heathertail thought. There was no expectation behind it; just two paths splitting out ahead. An offer. "Then don't go back to RiverClan. Stay here with me."
Minnowtail's eyes rounded. "Forever? I… As friends?"
Heathertail dipped her head. This felt like something very fragile; something she would need to be very cautious with. She felt as though she was stepping onto the lake in late leaf-fall, expecting a thin crust of ice to support her weight. Then I'll be careful, and I'll test as I go. If the ice starts to crack…
It was too easy for Heathertail to remember a night just like this one, on an island, surrounded by the Clans, where Minnowtail spat at her. Broke her heart. I'll be careful, she promised herself.
"You can say your goodbyes, of course…" Heathertail began tentatively. Minnowtail struck that down with one firm shake of her head.
"I have no one to say goodbye to."
"Your brother?"
Minnowtail's eyes darkened, sorrowful, and she quietly said, "Pebblefoot drowned seasons ago. There's no one left for me."
Heathertail found it was only too easy to press her muzzle to Minnowtail's. The only cat who's ever truly, truly understood, she thought. "I'm so sorry."
Minnowtail nodded. They stayed in silence for a while, until Heathertail finally said,
"C'mon, then. I'll get you settled in. Coriander will be happy to have more company, and Smoky will warm up to you."
All of a sudden, it felt like the most natural thing in the world, being up in the barn with Minnowtail, the kits she'd helped raise slumbering beneath, in a place where Heathertail wasn't chosen for anything. A place where she could choose for herself.
"I'll catch you a mouse," Heathertail offered.
"Mouse?" Minnowtail wrinkled her nose delicately and Heathertail suppressed a purr, wondering what it would be like to share a den with a cat as fussy as Minnowtail.
"You get used to it."
She did. They both did, she supposed. Minnowtail threw herself into the life of the horseplace enthusiastically, patrolling with Dawn and showing Pepper and Smoky how to fish in the stream nearby. Pepper didn't have the patience for it, but Smoky seemed quite pleased with himself when he returned to the barn with a few minnows. Soon enough, it felt like just another part of life; Minnowtail next to her as they slept. Always a careful tail-length away. Heathertail was careful indeed, and never let herself slip and get too close, no matter what the most ill-advised parts of her heart pleaded with her to do. The gaping wound between them had not closed, but somehow… with Minnowtail back beside her, Heathertail began to think that it was possible the infection had lost its grip, and that healing was possible.
Coriander was in fact the slowest to acclimate to Minnowtail. She had been present when Heathertail had explained her whole history with the RiverClan she-cat to Smoky. Coriander was a kind, loving cat, Heathertail thought, but once her mind was made up, it was made up. After hearing the tremble in Heathertail's voice as she spoke of how Minnowtail had broken her heart, and seen the way her tail dragged around behind her after reliving it all… Coriander kept her distance from Minnowtail.
As much as Heathertail hoped the barn she-cat would warm up to Minnowtail, she couldn't deny that she, too, had been keeping a distance of her own. Certainly not the chilly cordiality that Coriander employed with Minnowtail, but given how close Heathertail and Minnowtail had once been…
Heathertail decided it was time for the wound to heal. The sun had just come up on one of the first new-leaf mornings of the year when Heathertail tracked Minnowtail down.
"Hey," Minnowtail greeted her. How easy it is, Heathertail thought. How precious, to be so close. Was it greedy to want more?
Heathertail dipped her head. "Come up to the loft with me."
Coriander had been ensnared in a patrol by her kits, and the two she-cats had the loft to themselves. Minnowtail no longer wrinkled her nose at the smell of hay. Still, Heathertail picked the spot where it was sweetest and sat, tucking her paws under her chest. Minnowtail kept upright.
"I wanted to ask you something," Heathertail began cautiously. Minnowtail sensed her tone, amber eyes gleaming with worry. "And I just want an honest answer."
"Alright."
In that moment, Heathertail faintly became aware that she had not seen a hint of Minnowtail's persona in all the time she had been at the horseplace. Even with the kits, Smoky, and Coriander, Minnowtail had remained the more truthful, relaxed version of herself. Heathertail tucked that away to consider more later.
"Why did you train in the Dark Forest?"
Minnowtail's throat bobbed as she contemplated her answer. Heathertail kept her breathing even, knowing she didn't want to react harshly to whatever Minnowtail would tell her. The gray and white she-cat shrugged. "Why does it matter now?"
"It matters to me," Heathertail murmured. She wasn't sure either, but a test of whether Minnowtail would be willing to be honest with something as sensitive to both of them as this… perhaps Heathertail would be able to properly judge how much she could trust Minnowtail now.
Minnowtail nodded and swallowed again. "Alright."
They were quiet for a moment, and then Minnowtail laid down on the hay next to her. Again, Heathertail kept her gaze wandering over the logs that made the wall of the barn. Minnowtail's flanks rose and fell against her.
"Ever since I was a kit…" Minnowtail began, then cut herself off with a snort. "That sounds silly."
Heathertail said nothing.
"I…" Minnowtail cleared her throat. "Her name…" She snorted again. "A she-cat named Robinflight came to me in a dream and offered me all the attention I could ever want. Because… that's what I thought I wanted. Even when I was a kit, I acted out, I drank poison for StarClan's sake, just to… just to make sure eyes were fixed on me, that some cat still cared whether I existed."
Heathertail darted a look at Minnowtail, who took a steadying breath and continued.
"So I said yes. I trained with her for moons, until I was the fastest, strongest among the apprentices, then the Clan. I clawed up the ranks of the Dark Forest until the most brutal, savage, disgusting cats knew my name. Knew who I was, and adored me." She nearly spat the last part. "I didn't care who was giving me the attention, so long as it was some cat. RiverClan wasn't enough, so I moved on to that filthy, disgusting place."
The Place of No Stars. Heathertail hadn't heard it spoken of in many moons. The barn wasn't the sort of place where they contemplated the eternal punishment of monsters.
"And… it wasn't enough," Minnowtail said simply. "Because it was never enough. Robinflight knew my attention was wandering, and knew that you were becoming more important to me than the battle and the code. She said that if I didn't take one of Mistystar's lives myself, she'd kill you." Minnowtail's nearly dead tone flickered to life at that. "I couldn't kill Mistystar, and I couldn't let you die. So I thought that if I shoved you away and made Robinflight believe I didn't love you anymore…"
And it didn't work, Heathertail thought, almost numb to the memories of Minnowtail's lie at the Gathering. Almost.
"You know what happened next," Minnowtail murmured.
"I do," Heathertail agreed, then said, "But what happened after the battle? You said you felt… felt dead. Why did you come to the horseplace?"
Minnowtail nodded as if she'd been expecting the question. "Well, here's the thing about betraying all your living Clanmates and having all your dead Clanmates be killed. You don't get much attention anymore." She huffed a cold purr. "Losing it all, it was like some… massive wound on my soul, festering and threatening my life."
Heathertail nodded. That was a feeling she knew.
"And I guess my options were to wait for the infection to kill me, or… learn to live without every cat tripping over themselves for my attention," Minnowtail mumbled.
"And then…?"
"Well, I'm not dead."
Heathertail nodded again. "I see. So you went looking for me again."
"Not for attention," Minnowtail was quick to promise her. "I didn't… I knew you didn't… I…"
"I understand," Heathertail murmured.
"No! No, I need you to know," Minnowtail shook her head fiercely, "that you were more than some desperate bid for attention. Robinflight was wrong about everything but that. You were more important than any other leverage she had over me."
"I suppose we're all lucky you didn't murder Mistystar then," Heathertail joked, that old WindClan instinct of dodging away from any raw, honest conversation coming back out.
Minnowtail huffed. "You have no idea."
Heathertail shot her a look and Minnowtail shrugged.
"It was an impossible choice, but… even then, I knew you would come first," Minnowtail said, plain as a clear sky.
"I don't want you to kill someone over me," Heathertail told her.
Minnowtail purred and nudged her, and for a moment, Heathertail thought she could see the star shower again. Then the moment passed.
"I'm glad you don't need… all that, anymore," Heathertail said. "And I'm glad you didn't kill anyone."
"Me too."
Tails Twined
Again, it was Dawn who brought Heathertail the news. She was just drinking from the rain barrel when Dawn hared through the entrance of the barn, breathless.
"Heathertail! Come quick, Mom got attacked! By the pear tree."
An old jolt of anticipation for combat shot through Heathertail, who jumped off the rim of the barrel and bolted past Dawn, out into the green-leaf sun. She scented the fox before she saw it.
Coriander was running, ungainly and already out of breath, away from the pear tree with the fox's slavering jaws hot on her heels. Not even pausing to think about what she was risking with no medicine cat around, Heathertail shot between them and crashed into the fox, knocking it to the ground.
It growled and yipped as they tumbled, and without missing a beat, Heathertail raked her back paws down its sensitive belly. It squealed and tore itself free, before gathering itself to leap on Heathertail. Fear lanced through her as she caught up with just how large the vixen was; broad-shouldered and at least twice as long as Heathertail, with thick, bristly fur that turned aside the blows of her paws without so much as a scratch.
It leapt onto her.
This time, Heathertail was the one to wail with pain as she landed hard on her side. More than the physical pain, feeling the sheer strength of the fox's body against hers was enough to make her despair. I can't fight it off! I'm one cat, I don't have a patrol or any trained warriors to back me up. She writhed, only barely escaping a devastating bite from the fox.
Then, another yowl split the air. For a moment, she thought it was Coriander, but then she saw daylight as the vixen was dragged off her.
"Minnowtail!" she gasped, springing to her paws.
The last time she had seen Minnowtail fight, it was from the unfortunate position of nearly bleeding to death on the ground in RiverClan territory. This time, fully conscious and upright, she couldn't help losing a moment in marvel at her sheer, brutal skill. She fought like a diving hawk, swooping in and raking welling red scratches down its muzzle, then leaping clear of the fox's blow. No, Heathertail realized. Not like a hawk. She's fishing.
She recognized the way her elegant paw flashed out in a movement promising death, then hooked back before her prey had a chance to escape or retaliate. Heathertail shook off the pain that sang through her, and leapt at the fox as well.
Coriander might be safe, but she was fighting for Minnowtail now.
They fought until Heathertail was sure they would need to kill the fox just to get it to back off. But finally, the vixen shook her triangular head to clear the dizziness from Heathertail's blow, and then with a last growl at them, bounded back off into the forest with her thick tail hanging between her legs.
Minnowtail gasped a relieved breath, and then looked back at Heathertail with an almost panicked glint in her eye.
"I'm okay," Heathertail rasped.
"No, you're bleeding." Minnowtail hurried to her side and pressed her pelt against hers, supporting her. As Heathertail's taller, bonier shoulder slid into the hollow of Minnowtail's chest, she couldn't shake a feeling that this was right in a way that nothing had been for Heathertail in a very long time. Maybe ever.
They limped back to the barn together, and Heathertail paused just outside, in the shadow of the overhanging roof.
"Do you remember…" Heathertail began quietly, remembering another night when they'd sat there, supporting each other, the tang of blood thick in the air.
"Yes," Minnowtail murmured.
Heathertail pulled herself off Minnowtail with some effort, and gingerly eased herself onto the earth. Minnowtail joined her, and when her offering look was met with a nod, began grooming Heathertail's ragged pelt.
There was something so soothing about another cat taking care of her, that Heathertail couldn't help lowering her chin to her paws and closing her eyes, a contented purr rumbling in her chest.
Heathertail wasn't sure how much time had passed when Minnowtail stopped. She raised her head, shooting the she-cat a questioning look, and then froze when she saw the look in Minnowtail's eyes.
"Heathertail, I…" Minnowtail rasped.
Once again, she held her breath.
Minnowtail swallowed hard, but forged ahead. "I have to tell you. Say the word and I'll never mention it again. I'll go back to RiverClan, you don't ever have to see me again, but…"
A long sigh left Heathertail at the words, like a breath she'd been holding for moons.
"I love you. I never really stopped."
Minnowtail's lip trembled, but she continued. "I hurt you, I… I'll never stop being sorry. But I need to know, because if there's ever any chance of you forgiving me… I need you to know that I'll always be here. I'll always love you."
Heathertail breathed deeply, and answered, "I do. I forgive you, and you hurt me, but I would have done the same to keep you safe."
Minnowtail's eyes became very, very wide.
"And I love you."
As Minnowtail let out a sigh of relief, so sudden and swamping that she nearly trembled with it, Heathertail felt the last little wound in her heart seal up. The Great Battle finally laid to rest, she looked out at the horseplace before them, then at the entrance to the barn. A world away from expectations, with each other. A lifetime. She wouldn't have thought she deserved it.
Minnowtail's eyes shone as she looked at Heathertail. "You're real, right? I'm not dreaming?"
"Yes. No," Heathertail answered, then let out a mrrow of amusement. "I'm here and I'm not going to leave, no matter how hard you try to get rid of me."
Minnowtail pressed her pelt to Heathertail, her perfect pelt ruffled with injuries. Heathertail felt her heartbeat. "Good."
Past loves linger like phantom limbs / I cut straight to the heart / I don't believe the pretty little things that you say—I've heard a lot of little pretty things / Don't buy me flowers, it pains me to watch pretty little things wilt away
And she's finished! Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading and reviewing. Both of these projects have been enormously time-consuming (for one-shots) and the amount of support has just blown me away.
Anyway. Done but not forgotten, and I'm considering writing a 'coda' kind of part to both this and Turning Tail (from the perspectives of Minnowtail and Kestrelflight.)
And lastly, please leave me a review! If you've made it to the end, I love you.
~Akila