Authors note: As much as I love Alucard – that hat always gives me the giggling horrors. And so I though it deserved a little attention of its own.

How does he see in this?

Sir Integra was studying a document when she walked into her office and so she didn't notice it at first. It was only after she had sat down and started to reach for her phone when she caught a glimpse of red out the corner of her eye. In the windowsill where Alucard normally loitered, was his hat.

* That's odd.* she thought. *I know that he's not here at the moment, so why is that here?*

It was a rare thing for Integra's curiosity to get the better of her but somehow she couldn't resist getting up and going over to the window. Ever aware of Alucard's propensity for jump-scares, she gingerly reached out and picked it up with two fingers – kind of like she would hold a dead rat by its tail.

*It's even bigger close up.* She mused.

Having established that the oversized headgear wasn't going to suddenly spout teeth and start snapping away, she grew bolder in her inspection. She turned it around, flipped it over and generally tried to understand the appeal of it.

Thoughtfully, she looked at her office door and stepped a little further out of sight of anyone that might be walking past. With an impish smile, she popped the hat on her head – where it promptly covered her eyes.

"How does he see with this thing on?" she muttered, tilting it so that she had some vision. "Is he trying to give himself a handicap in battle?"

With her shifting head, the fedora kept insisting on sliding down her face and eventually she tried lifting her chin and look down her nose. She realised then that this was Alucard's general pose – looking down on everything.

"That's because he's so bloody tall." She complained to the empty room.

A devilish lack of good judgement must have been running rampant that evening because Integra then proceeded to do the best impression that she could of the sarcastic fiend that was her servant. Shoving her hands into her pockets she stalked around the far end of the room and then came back and slouched into the windowsill.

"You don't let me kill enough monsters." She growled belligerently, pitching her voice as low as she could. "It's so boring to be cooped up here in that musty old basement."

Getting back on her feet, she turned and looked out the window at the brightly shining moon; her hands still in her pockets and her head tilted as far back as it could go.

"What a wonderful night." She did her best to emulate that sardonic tone that irked and amused her at the same time. "It would be so nice to take a walk, maybe find someone to drink."

She was thinking up a new line when a soft cough at the door brought her back to reality with a screeching halt. Spinning round, the hat promptly fell over her face again and she snatched it off and hid it behind her back. Of course this wasn't very effective as the damn thing was so wide - it stuck out on both sides of her.

"Your tea, Sir Integra."

Walter carried the tray up to the desk, as serene as always. To anyone else looking, his face gave no sign that he had seen or heard anything untoward, however Integra knew him well enough to notice the twitching muscles at the corner of his mouth as he repressed his smile.

"Thank you Walter."

She walked away from the window back to her desk, negligently tossing the hat back where she found it as she went. Taking her seat, she allowed Walter to pour and took the proffered cup.

"Will there be anything else?" he enquired blandly.

"Not this evening, thank you." She murmured, pretending to be engrossed in her cup, all the time wondering how much of her performance he had seen.

"Then I'll just tidy up here and be on my way."

Walter picked up a pile of correspondence that was due to be posted, a report for the archives and as he walked out, he used his fluid grace to pass the window and pick up the hat, all in one sinuous movement. He gave a short bow to his master and left the room. He heard hissed curses as went down the hall and he gave into his urge to grin – although he prudently did not allow his laughter to escape until he was well downstairs in the basement.

His merriment subsiding, he paused outside of Alucard's door and contemplated the offending hat. With a quick glance up the corridor to ensure solitude, he plopped the fedora onto his head, where it promptly covered his eyes as well.

"She's right, how does he see in this thing?"