Desert Places

by Robert Frost

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast

In a field I looked into going past,

And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,

But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it-it is theirs.

All animals are smothered in their lairs.

I am too absent-spirited to count;

The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness

Will be more lonely ere it will be less-

A blanker whiteness of benighted snow

With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces

Between stars-on stars where no human race is.

I have it in me so much nearer home

To scare myself with my own desert places.

A/N: This has always been one of my favorite poems, and it definitely reminded me of this chapter in a way. I've always held a love for poetry, and this is one I come back to so very often. I also have more news for you lovelies! I think this is going to end up being about 23 chapters, and I've got them plotted out. ;) Now, that being said, sometimes things happen in the creative process, so 23 chapters is an estimate. As always, let me know what you think!

Hermione whipped her wand at the source of the noise, startling her out of her sleep. She only had a second to realize it was Scorpius coming to jump on her bed and wake her up before she averted her wand to the ceiling, like cops do in the movies she used to watch as a child. With a whoosh of breath, she caught her running son.

"Mum, come to breakfast!" Scorpius mumbled into her shoulder. Hermione squished him slightly.

"Alright, alright. I'm up," her voice only trembled slightly. It barely betrayed her inner turmoil at nearly hurting her son. Scorpius pulled back from her, flashed her a grin, and ran back out the door. He must be taking her for her word.

Hermione put her wand down on her nightstand, very carefully. She pulled herself out of bed and went to the attached bathroom to splash water on her face. She couldn't control her breathing, and her hands would not stop trembling. Hermione rummaged through her clothing and got dressed.

She grabbed her wand of the table and went in search of Draco. She couldn't keep her wand. She was a liability to Scorpius. She had almost hurt him! What if she had hurt him? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! She couldn't do that. She could not. She would never forgive herself for hurting a child.

She could hear Draco and Scorpius chatting about something in the kitchen. She didn't have memories of this place, not really, so she followed the noise. The closer she got, she could make out Severus' voice, and the lilting tone of Luna. She followed the sounds down the halls until she came upon them around a table.

"Nice of you to join us," Severus commented when he saw her in the doorway. He smirked at her, and she ignored him. She was closer to this version of him than the old one, but she still didn't feel like they were friends. Not really. She could trust his sense of honor, and she had seen some of the memories of their time together, but she still didn't feel close to him.

"I am not a morning person. Draco, I need to talk to you. Now," her tone brooked no argument. None, whatsoever. She managed to control the tremors in her voice, but barely. She could not risk Scorpius. He was just a boy, and she could have seriously hurt him out of reflex. Hermione turned on her heel and left the room. She knew Draco would follow.

She kept walking until they were a fair way away from the kitchen. She didn't want to be overheard. She ended up in the sitting room from the night before, face in her hands, elbows supported by her knees. She had placed her wand in front of her. Draco came in shortly after at a hurried pace, probably wondering what was wrong.

"You have to take my wand," she said with no preamble.

"'What? What are you talking about?"

"I'm not safe. I have war reflexes. Take. My. Wand!" Hermione yelled at him.

"What are you on about, Hermione?" Draco asked again. He thought she was having another flashback, maybe. Her breath was coming fast, and her hands were trembling even though they were on her face.

"Draco, I almost hexed Scorpius. I could have killed him! Take my fucking wand! I can't be trusted with it. I'm too used to being snuck up on by enemies. I can't have my wand. I'm a danger to him. What about that do you not understand?" Hermione seethed at him. She was terrified, and furious at herself.

Draco paled as she spoke, sliding down into the chair across from her. "Fuck. I didn't even think of that. But Scorpius is fine, you stopped in time. It's okay, Hermione. If you don't think it's safe to have your wand, I'll hold it for you," Draco replied quietly. He didn't seem to have it in him to speak any more loudly. Hermione only nodded at him once.

"He really is fine, Mi. It's okay, we'll just make sure it doesn't happen again," Draco stood, slowly, as though he still had not regained his strength. He made his way over and knelt in front of her, taking one hand away from her face gently. "You're okay. He's okay."

"What if I were slower? I could have killed him, Draco. He's just…he's only a little boy and I could have killed him!" Hermione started to wail, completely distraught at the idea. Draco gathered her in his arms, rubbing his hand slowly in circles on her back and making soothing noises. He had no idea how long they sat there, like that, before she had calmed down.

Hermione stood, slowly. She was a complete and utter mess. Draco instructed her to go and get cleaned up before getting some breakfast. Hermione did not acknowledge him, she just went back in the direction of their room. Draco pocketed her wand for safekeeping and went back to the kitchen. Severus and Luna looked at him oddly when he entered, but he shook his head. "Later," it said. Draco could tell from her reaction Hermione was not in a good place.

Dingy. That's how she felt. Encased in dirt and grime, blood-soaked and unworthy. Hermione didn't deserve any of this. She didn't deserve a nice home, or a family. She didn't even know where her parents were in this timeline; much less if they were alive. But it didn't matter, because she had wiped their memories and they didn't know her. They would never know she had died. Hermione would never know if Harry died. She vacated the seat she'd just occupied, intent on being alone and unmolested with these thoughts. She was not fit for companionship.

Not uttering a word, she left the room and those in it to eat and chat. She had far more self-loathing to manage, and she could do that better if she were left alone without the eyes of others silently inquiring as to her state of mind. She couldn't do this. She couldn't. Scorpius deserved his mother. That wasn't her, it would never really be her. She occupied the same body, sort of, but she was not the same witch these people had come to love.

Finding an obviously disused room, Hermione plopped down on the mahogany and green cushioned settee and pulled her knees to her chest. She was not worth this. What had Fawkes been thinking? Why had he not risked all for Dumbledore, instead of her? She'd barely interacted with the Phoenix, why should he care whether she had lived or died? None of it made any sense.

Grasping her head in her hands, she uttered a low, miserable groan. She was getting a migraine, or rather, definitely had one now. She was glad for the heavy curtains over the windows as her eyes began to pulse in time with her heartbeat. Hermione gave up on sitting and lay prone hoping to assuage some of the pain blooming behind her eyes. It smelled of disuse and dust, and she wrinkled her nose. Dirty and unworthy of light, just like me.

Last night she had begged Severus to rupture the Occlumency shields. She couldn't maintain them for much longer. She was nearly positive, and so was Severus, that it was really the only way to merge the two versions of herself living in her mind. They were so different, even the way they imagined their shared mindscape was split down the center. That really should have been her first clue, but she didn't truly understand how Occlumency worked, Severus knew probably better than anyone.

The other version of herself had walled the memories up so tightly, the only way she could get at them was by sleeping and conferring with her. It was going to take time, too much time, and she might hurt Scorpius. Hermione would not hurt an innocent little boy. She would not. If it meant she might go insane from the rush of memories, so be it. They could lock her away in the Janus Thickey Ward and be done with her. They certainly deserved better.

Eventually, the pounding behind her eyes faded a little. She was thankful for that, at least. Or she would have been, if she hadn't started to sob uncontrollably. What was wrong with her? She was Hermione fucking Granger! She did not sob on dust covered settees hiding in disused rooms in the dark! This was not her, and she didn't want it to be her, yet here she was. Why was she here?

The door opened, and in walked Severus. Mercifully, he was alone. She had no desire to see anyone, but if someone had been sent to check on her he had been the best choice. She felt less for him. Draco she didn't want to destroy; she'd loathed the way he'd treated her as a child but she understood now he truly couldn't have done much other than what he had done. Luna, sweet kind Luna, didn't deserve her ire. Luna was her best friend. Hermione would dissolve in the face of Luna. And…Scorpius? No, better not to even think about it.

"Hermione, what's wrong, aside from everything?" Severus uttered.

"I have this pounding headache, and it won't stop. And I could have killed Scorpius this morning! Draco didn't seem to be anywhere near as upset as he should have been. I can't do this. Why the hell am I here? WHY!?" Hermione screamed the question, unable to control herself anymore. She was a blubbering snotty mess clutching onto the dirt-covered settee, and she didn't care.

"You have to give yourself some time, Hermione. This isn't something that many of us have experience with. And what do you mean you could have killed Scorpius this morning?"

Hermione told him, in excruciating detail, how and why she had nearly cast a bombarda maxima at Scorpius that morning. She had been reliving the battle, running down one of the many halls to escape Death Eaters after her blood. Her impure, dirty blood. She remembered it all so vividly, and she could have severely hurt or killed an innocent toddler. She would have never forgiven herself. She would not have deserved forgiveness. They should cast her out and forget all about her. They should leave her for dead, because she would be if she hurt that boy.

"Mi, he is fine. He didn't even notice. You've survived a war. You've been fighting for your life since you were eleven years old. It's not something that goes away overnight. It's okay not to feel safe. You haven't been for most of your life," Severus scolded her. He scolded, but gently. The bite was missing from his voice.

"I did not survive! I died, and they're probably all dead too! Don't you get it? What am I doing alive and free when my best friends are probably dead? And by the way, we only had the chance to live at all because you were out there sacrificing yourself for the greater good! Fucking Dumbledore and his scheming arse sacrificing children to megalomaniacs and guilting wayward young men into life long duties bound to end in death," she grumbled through her tears. She found she could breathe now, though. She could breathe better than she had been able to before. Was this a panic attack? She had read about them, but she wasn't sure she had ever had one before.

"I see I am not the only one who believes Dumbledore being lauded as a saint is irritating," Severus quipped back. She looked better, if now irate.

"You saw some of the memories. Grooming children to fight a war, honestly!" Her breathing came easier now, and her eyes were leaking tears instead of her being drowned in them.

"Quite right. I can't say I was the most…discerning wizard, but Albus Dumbledore was Machiavellian."

Hermione barked out a surprised laugh at the comment. "I've always thought so. What is happening to me?"

Severus sat across from her in a green wingback chair. He took in her appearance and observed sunken eyes, hollow cheeks. She looked frail and miserable. He had seen this expression ok himself for years, and he only knew of one way to cure it.

"I believe it is the Occlumency taking its toll on your mind. You're not meant to occlude forever. It should be used sparingly. Hermione from this timeline knows the risks, and she has hidden the memories you need to see behind walls I taught her to make. My guess," he said with a sigh, "is that she was trying to give you some time to adjust to this new place. Unfortunately, I also believe that time is coming to an end. If those shields aren't broken, and soon, the strain on your mind may result in permanent brain damage. The amount that's been occluded being as large as it is…Well, let's just say I'm not sure if you'd have the ability to speak," Severus hedged. He didn't want to frighten the witch but if he was correct in his assessment, and odds were he was, then she needed to know the truth.

"So essentially, my choices are to be permanently brain-damaged, or…what? Is there another option?" she queried acerbically. She still hadn't sat up, afraid the thumping of her mind would only worsen if she did so.

"There is, but there are also risks. If I break the shields for you, it's likely you would end up in a coma. You might be trapped in all those memories forever if you can't meld your memories and lives. You'd have to merge the two versions of yourself as completely as possible to find your way out," he explained quietly. Not really a choice at all. The Hermione he had known had never shied from a challenge. She was fierce and determined, but the witch in front of him didn't resemble that at all. The witch in front of him seemed downtrodden, and at the end of her wits. Though, he could hardly blame her. Her life had been one battle after another, and she'd come here literally from the brink of death in the midst of a large battle. He supposed she was allowed to have a bit of an emotional breakdown before rallying. He certainly had.

Hermione's laugh came unbidden to her lips, and it was hollow, bitter. "Of course, because my life hasn't been hard enough. I don't blame you, not at all, but this is fucking preposterous. My choices are brain damage or a trauma loop. Lovely," she replied sardonically.

Severus didn't like the edge her voice had taken, though he could certainly understand it. A nineteen-year-old witch should not have to suffer like this, and that was why he had done it. At least partially. It was why he had agreed to be the spy, so he would never again see any child with that look on their voice, or hear the tone of voice falling from her lips slicing him to the core. No one deserved such a fate of suffering, aside from perhaps, Tom Riddle himself.

"Fine, break the shields. I don't really have a choice. At least with the trauma loop, I have a chance of survival. I'm not one to quit, never have been," she said firmly from her prone state. Hermione thought fighting for a better life was the better option, and quitting was not in her vocabulary.

Severus looked her over critically and must have been content with what he saw reflected in her eyes. "Alright, I will do it after you eat something. We've no way of knowing how long you're going to be out, but I would wager it will be awhile. Get some food in you first, you'll need the strength." He was being firm with her so she would not argue. He knew she was likely to argue whatever point he made, but she was too logical not to see reason in that. He hoped.

Hermione gave him a small nod of acceptance. "I can't stand up, though. My head is absolutely throbbing. The thought of eating is extremely unpleasant."

Severus slipped his hand into his robe pocket and handed her a vial. He was not a stranger to the adverse effects of Occlumency and had to brew his own headache draught to an unbelievable strength to curtail the pain of it. Thankfully, he used it less and less, no longer needing Occlumency to survive day in and day out.

Hermione took it and tipped the vial without question, lips puckering at the sour taste. "I apologize, lemon was really the only flavor that could cover some of the awful flavors in that potion. Better sour than disgusting," Severus quipped, lips turning up ever so slightly.

"Is this why Dumbledore always had lemon drops? I have to say, it works wonderfully." Already the pressure behind her eyes had lessened, and she could no longer feel her blood rushing through her ears. She let out a sigh of relief, though she was sure it would only be short-lived. She slowly sat up, wary of moving too quickly.

"It should, I brewed it. It was his play on a joke, I suppose. I dislike lemons vehemently," Severus replied acerbically.

"Well, you're sour enough without them," Hermione joked.

A small smile curled his lips. "Indeed. Come, let's get you fed. The sooner we start the sooner you can wake up, less of a mess," he teased back.

"I'm Hermione Granger. I'm always a mess," she replied back.

"No, your hair is wild. You're not a mess, usually. Right now, you're a mess," Severus replied, pointedly looking at her.

Hermione flushed at the comment and cast some wandless cleaning charms as she stood to follow him. Food first, then broken Occlumency walls and possible insanity. Oh, what a day to be alive. Or die. Or go insane. Whichever.

She met Draco, Luna, and Scorpius back around the table. She knew she looked awful, and Draco was watching her like she might break apart at any moment. He wasn't wrong. She very well could. It wasn't an impossible outcome. Once Scorpius asked to be dismissed and had kissed Hermione's cheek, Hermione and Severus shared their suspicions about what was happening.

Luna just hummed and nodded along, apparently already knowing what was going to happen. Draco frowned, possibly remembering the side effects he'd studied throughout his medical training. He wasn't licensed yet, but he still knew what it meant for the woman across from. He knew she had to break down the shields, or what her fate would be. He was not pleased with the plan presented to him, but he also knew it wasn't as if they could let everyone in on Hermione's secrets.

"I'm not happy about this," Draco commented.

"I'm not particularly pleased by it either, but it's all we've got," Hermione snapped.

"I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it," Draco mumbled.

"It is the only thing we can do. It's the risk you take with Occlumency. Hermione is too Gryffindor to let herself fade, so she's going to fight. She's good at it Draco, just be there and support her. It's all there is," Severus cut in. He had seen the beginning of arguments between these two personalities before. He'd seen enough to know when and how to head off a row.

"Why can't I do it?" Draco sulked.

Hermione's eyes widened slightly, and she looked over to see Draco glaring at his half-empty plate of food. "Draco, Severus has more experience. That's the only reason. If it were just breaking down the shields I'd have you do it the way you did before, for her. But it's not that simple, I don't think. I haven't been able to talk to her. There's something more going on here, and I need to make sure Scorpius at least has you."

"Speaking of my godson, it's best he stays somewhere else for a few days. He doesn't need this trauma," Severus said gently.

"Of course not. I'll get him sent over to Ginny before. That way he has something to keep him busy. I think he's missing his friends, anyway," Draco commented.

"Then it's settled. Let's finish eating, spend some time with Scorpius, and then damage my brain!" Hermione said the last sarcastically.

"That's what we are trying to avoid, witch. Can you not use your sarcasm at appropriate moments?" Severus snarked.

"Why? You never have," Hermione smirked at him, and Draco fought not to spit out his tea.

"I quite like his sense of humor," Luna hummed, cupping his face with her hand and smiling at him.

Hermione only smiled in response, cleared her plate, and sought out Scorpius. She wasn't feeling the best about seeing him after what had almost happened that morning, but he deserved a good memory of his Mum in case she went crazy. She could try to give him that, and she would. Draco followed after her shortly, and found them tucked into the corner of a couch reading one of Scorpius' favorite stories. Draco sat next to them, and when the story was done, maneuvered Scorpius into packing a bag for a few nights so he could go and see his friends. Hermione and Draco saw the little boy through the Floo, and turned to find Severus.

"If something happens to me, and I die, tell him it was an accident or something," Hermione commented.

"Witch you're going to be fine," and his tone left no room for argument.

Severus sat across from Hermione on a low sofa in the sitting room. He had sent Draco and Scorpius out of the room, knowing Luna would handle the situation better. His witch saw things others clearly did not, and panicking was simply not in her blood. She would care for them, and it was best they were not alone while Severus attempted this. He knew there was a probable magical backlash in store for him, but this witch had to drop the shields, or she would perish in front of them. He would not be having that.

His godson was happy for the first time in ages. He'd never seen Draco smile so freely or so brightly as he had with Hermione. Severus could give her back to him, and he was going to do so. "Ready?"

"Oh, not remotely," Hermione snorted her displeasure at the situation. "Let's get this over with," Hermione gave him a wry smile. She was definitely not ready to be trapped in her mind, or have it rip itself apart piece by piece. Her choices were rather limited, however, so she chose the one which gave her the best chance.

Severus simply nodded and put his hands on either side of her face. He normally wouldn't need this amount of touch, but breaking shields could be rather taxing, and he'd rather have the touch and not need than vice versa. Conservation of energy was the best option, here. Hermione dragged her eyes up to his, and she offered no resistance as he slipped into her tumultuous mind.

Severus was at Hogwarts, but this was not the castle he recognized. There were chunks of walls missing. The Great Hall's roof had been hit by something because he could see a section of roof gone. The tower's had been toppled in some places, and some left untouched. He tried to ignore the stench of blood and other bodily fluids that pervaded his sensitive nose. He knew the smell of death all too well.

He fought not to look around at the carnage he knew he would see if he searched for it. This must be the battle Hermione had died in. He didn't want to add this atrocious memory to his own. Severus swiped his hand in front of him, trying to swat away the sounds and smells. He strode single-mindedly over to the barriers he could see. It was no wonder the witch was prone to hysterics. Her mind was literally trapped in a hellscape of death and destruction and pain.

Severus put his thin, long fingers against the barrier which halved her mind. He couldn't see the other side of it clearly, as if it were a frosted pane of glass in front of him. He tested the shield with his magic, hoping her other self would allow him entrance and agree to drop the shields. He could usually talk sense into her, but they were both unbelievably bullheaded. He had his work cut out for him; he knew.

He flared his magic against the shield, a gentle sort of knock. It would be much better for them both if the shield were willingly dropped, instead of shattered. Severus knew better than to think the witch would cooperate, though.

The haze on the barrier lifted and he could see through it now, though he hadn't been granted access. Both versions of Hermione were watching him, though silently. "Can you let me in? I would much rather not cause undue pain by using force to snap this shield."

"I can't. Remember when you taught me? How you said I was a natural?"

"Ah. So it's not just you keeping these in place, but the both of you, and neither of you can break them now. Bollocks," Severus heaved a sigh. "This is going to hurt. All of us. I had thought this might have happened when you weren't getting memory flashes anymore," he commented at the Hermione now standing next to him. She was covered in blood, her clothes tattered and torn asunder. She was also painfully thin.

"I've been on the run. Or had been, rather, before the battle. Not much food to come by," she commented wryly.

"I can see that. Come, both of you. Help me with this, and it might go easier." Both versions of Hermione, on battle-weary, the other a vision of a Malfoy witch, stepped closer to him.

"What do you want us to do?" Hermione Malfoy asked.

"Just will the barrier to dissolve. I will do the rest," Severus muttered. He was already concentrating on bringing down the barrier. The two witches did as he instructed, hands placed opposite one another on the pane of glass between them.

Severus could feel when they joined him, and he forced a sudden burst of magic through the barrier and envisioned it shattering as if hit with a large sledgehammer in the center. The shield didn't shatter, but there were cracks webbing out from the center of the barrier now.

Severus tried again, and the cracks grew larger, longer. Hermione started to growl next to him, obviously feeling the pressure of what he was doing in her mind. She didn't give up, though. The witch was made of stouter stuff than that, and he'd witnessed it more than once.

Severus pulled his magic into himself, drawing the hammer of his mind back far and wide, and swung it one final time against the shields. He threw all of his magic into it, and the shield shattered around them. Both versions of Hermione screamed, and then everything ceased. There was no sensation of being thrown out, no sensation of being pulled in, just delicious, sweet nothingness.

Luna cast a cushioning charm on the floor in front of the couch when she felt the swell of Severus' magic, knowing this would be it. She'd seen what could happen when a wizard or witch was thrown from a mind and doubted it would be nothing short of violent.

She had been correct. Hermione and Severus were unconscious, slumping to the floor. Luna called for Draco, who cast diagnostic charms on them. He had been checking on Scorpius.

"Hermione is well and truly locked in her mind for now. Severus has drained his magical core and will sleep for a time. All we can do, is wait," Draco told Luna grimly.

Luna took his hand to comfort him, "They will be fine Draco. Scorpius is with the Potter's?"

"Yes." The word was clipped. Draco was containing his emotions, and Luna let him. He'd not had an easy week.

"Help me get them to bed, and we can call Hannah to watch over them," Luna ordered sensibly. Draco simply did as he was asked. They levitated their loved ones into their beds, made them as comfortable as possible, and sent for the Healer, again.

"Remind me again why this was the best decision?" Draco requested of Luna after he had pulled his head out of the Floo grate.

"Because, it's the only way she has a chance at life," Luna said plainly. Her voice was serious, none of the playful lilt present that she usually had.

"Right. That." Draco left the sitting room to find his witch. Maybe if he held her hand, Hermione would come back to him sooner rather than later.