The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to the great beyond. It looks like one of my favorite characters won't be coming back. No one can replace the great Ron Leibman. Or Ron Cadillac. This is my tribute to this great character.
Farewell Ron Cadillac
"Hello Ms. Archer," Gladys the nurse walked in. "How are you doing today?"
"My son is still in a coma, Gladys," Mallory sighed as she worked on some papers from a small desk and sat in a chair. "On the other hand, one of my social enemies just died yesterday. So all in all, not too bad."
"Oh, who died?" Gladys asked.
"Demeter Von Hess Messingburg," Mallory told her. "If there was a publication called Uptight Bitch Magazine she'd have been the cover girl."
"How did she die? Heart attack?"
"Choked on a chicken bone," Mallory explained. "Right in the middle of the Upper Escalon Society's Annual Luncheon. That woman had the eating habits of a Hoover vacuum. Even Pam remembers to occasionally chew her food!"
"Oh my," Gladys clucked her tongue. "That's terrible."
"No, it wasn't," Mallory told her. "She was a horrible racist elitist drunk of a bitch who only cared about herself. You know the type."
Gladys looked at Mallory. "I can imagine."
Mallory didn't notice the slight as she looked at her computer. "Huh, it says that the Upper Escalon Society is closing. Apparently, their membership has dropped to catastrophic levels."
"I know I'm going to regret asking this," Gladys sighed. "But I will. Why don't you apply for membership?"
"Are you kidding?" Mallory looked at her. "Oh wait, you're not. You don't know. I would but the UES had two criteria even I can't and won't meet."
"What are they?"
"First you have to be descended from the original colonists on the Mayflower," Mallory explained. "And second…You have to abstain from drinking."
"Really?"
"A bunch of uptight biddies who wouldn't know the taste of good scotch if it bit them in the ass," Mallory groaned.
"I can see why you wouldn't join that group," Gladys remarked.
Mallory's computer beeped indicating she had a call. "Speaking of groups I wish to not be a member of," Mallory groaned before she answered it. "Hello?"
"Hey Mallory," Lana's face was on screen. "Ron wants to talk to you."
"Yeah! Get me out of here!" Ron was heard. "Before another stupid puppet show!"
"Aww come on," Pam's voice was heard. "You love those and you know it!"
"I've seen shows in Tijuana that weren't that X-rated!" Ron groaned.
"What the…?" Mallory blinked as she now saw her husband in bed surrounded by her employees.
"Chicken soup's on!" Ray walked in carrying a tray wearing a blue apron. "Not just for the soul y'all!"
"What are you idiots doing there?" Mallory barked.
"Taking care of your husband," Ray snapped as he put down the chicken soup in front of Ron. "You're welcome!"
"Your husband is sick and you're here?" Gladys asked Mallory.
"I didn't know!" Mallory barked. "Besides, hello!" She pointed to Archer. "My son is in a coma."
"His condition is stable," Gladys said. "Right now, your husband needs you more. Especially by the looks of him."
"He's fine," Mallory waved. "Ron tell them you're milking it."
"That doesn't look like he's milking it," Gladys looked at the screen. "I mean I've seen a lot of sick patients. And I mean a lot. That is not milking it."
"I'm not milking it!" Ron snapped. "There's nothing to milk!" He coughed violently.
Mallory paused. "Okay that doesn't sound good."
"See?" Pam told Ron. "Even Ms. Archer knows when you're sick."
"Yeah you are not that good an actor Ron," Mallory nodded.
Ron looked at her. "Really? How many Emmys do you have babe?"
"I was checking in on Ron and he has a fever," Pam told Mallory. "So, we all decided to come visit Ron."
"Lucky me," Ron groaned as he coughed. "Babe I hate to say it, but I could use your help here. Crap. I really don't feel so good. So much for going to the track this afternoon."
"Mallory, I think you'd better come to New York," Lana told Mallory. "Ron is worse than he's letting on. We may have to take him to the hospital."
"Okay I'll catch a red eye and I'll be there by tomorrow," Mallory sighed. "I'm sure this is no big deal. Ron will be fine."
Less than a week later…
"Pam was right…" Mallory groaned as she looked at her husband's casket in the funeral home. "God does hate me."
The members of the Agency and Robert filed into the funeral home. All wearing black. "I can't believe Ron is gone," Pam sniffed.
"I can't believe Mallory is here in New York," Cyril remarked.
"I guess even Ms. Archer can't ignore burying her own husband," Ray shrugged.
"Eh I would," Cheryl admitted. "If I had something better to do."
"You didn't even go to your parents' funeral!" Pam told her. "And don't give me that BS about following Ms. Archer's rules! That was just an excuse!"
"I admit it came in handy," Cheryl shrugged. "But I wanted to come to this one. There's a slight chance that this isn't cannon anyway and it might be a dream sequence I cooked up in my head. If it is, I have to be here! Am I right?"
"Let's sit over here," Lana suggested to Robert.
"Don't you want to sit with your friends?" Robert asked as they moved.
"Noope," Lana told him.
"Everybody's got their flasks of scotch, right?" Krieger asked.
"I have two and a forty shorty," Pam told him.
"I have some groovy bears too," Cheryl added.
"Are you sure…?" Robert asked Lana.
"Yes," Lana sighed as they went to sit.
Soon the service started. An older man with gray hair and a heavy Brooklyn accent stood in front of the crowd. "Hey! I'm Joey Malone. And today we're here to honor one of the great ones. Ron Cadillac. Owner of one of the biggest car dealerships in the Tri-State area. Sponsor of the Brooklyn Beans Little League baseball team. Winner two years in a row of the Tri-State Poker League. Husband of Mallory Archer. And all around great guy."
"But back in the day we all knew him as Ronald Kazinksy. That scrappy kid from the Bronx who stole hubcaps since he could walk. And stole his first car at the age of nine."
"What?" Mallory blinked.
"It wasn't long before he was the leader of our gang," Joey went on. "Soon we were stealing everything on wheels we could get our hands on. Once Ron actually stole a police car and sold it to a chop shop for a cool grand. And I don't need to tell you, that's a lot of money for a sixteen-year-old back in the day."
"WHAT?" Mallory did a double take.
"My favorite heist was the time we stole an actual tank from the army base," Joey went on. "I mean this was after the war and all so we weren't exactly hurting the war effort."
"WHAT?" Mallory was stunned.
"It was Ron that got the idea that we could make more money running our own chop shop instead of selling to the others," Joey added. "Ron made a few deals. Greased a few palms and ran over one mobster's legs as a favor to another mobster and bada bing, bada boom…Soon we were running one of the best chop shops in New York for almost twenty years!"
"Wow," Pam whistled. "Ron was a gangster, yo!"
"And he completely pulled the wool over the eyes of a great spymaster," Cheryl said sarcastically. "Oh, the irony."
"I don't freaking believe this," Mallory groaned.
"But then some whiny little stool pigeon sold our location out to the cops," Joey groaned. "We all got busted instead of Ron who was out getting sandwiches. He always got sandwiches for us and paid for 'em out of his own pocket! That's one of the reasons we didn't sell him out."
"That is a good reason," Pam nodded.
"You could learn from his example," Ray looked at Mallory. Mallory glared at Ray.
"Even when Ron went legit and changed his name he didn't forget about us," Joey added. "He made sure our families were taken care of when we were in the joint. Hell, he paid for my daughter's college. She's a lawyer now. Very proud of her. I mean there was this one time when the money seemed to run out. But it turned out that Fat Mike was double crossing us all and taking the cash for himself. Ron and the rest of us guys taught him a lesson! Let's just say there's a reason he's not here today. And he's now called Toothless Mike."
"Oh. My. God," Cyril blinked.
"I was married to a gangster," Mallory was stunned.
"Who was better at keeping secrets than you," Ray added. "Just saying."
"Ron we're gonna miss you buddy," Joey sighed as he looked at the casket. "But we thank you for everything you did for us. More importantly thanks for the fifty grand you gave to all us guys before you died! And the free cars! Whoo!"
"WHAT?" Mallory was shocked.
"Yeah Ron called us before you flew in on your broomstick," Joey looked at Mallory. "He had a feeling something was going to happen and he wanted to make sure we got taken care of. Ron was a lot of things, but he was one smart cookie and a class act."
"I don't freaking believe this," Mallory gritted her teeth. "This day can't get any worse."
"Hello!" Cheryl said cheerfully as she approached the podium. "I'm Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt. And for a brief period during Ms. Archer's open marriage, I was one of Ron's lovers!"
"WHAT?" Mallory screamed.
"It just got worse," Cyril quipped.
"Oh, like you didn't know about that threesome we had with Pam!" Cheryl snapped.
"Here we go…" Ray groaned as he pulled out a flask.
"This is gonna be good," Krieger snickered.
"See Ms. Archer had the bright idea to have an open marriage because Ron was going to leave her," Cheryl spoke. "I mean leave her ass right on the street because she was too dumb to put Ron's name on the apartment and not hers. She was technically homeless for a bit. That's funny."
"It is!" Pam snickered. The others in the agency snickered as well. Mallory glared at them.
Lana turned to Robert. "You can see why I wanted to sit away from them, right?"
"Definitely," Robert nodded. "You were right. Your friends are a bit inappropriate."
"They're more than a bit insane," Lana groaned. "But there's another reason I wanted to sit away from them."
"I think it was getting shot by the Yakuza during Ms. Archer's failed cocaine smuggling plot she cooked up with the CIA is what did it," Cheryl added. "Pam and I visited Ron a few times under the pretense of getting some furs for Ms. Archer and…"
"THAT'S IT!" Mallory pulled out her gun. "I'm putting an end to this!"
"Uh oh…" Ray gulped.
BANG! BANG!
"God damn it Ms. Archer!" Pam snapped as she wrestled with Mallory for the gun. "Knock it off!"
"That's the other reason I wanted to sit away from them," Lana explained to Robert. "I wanted to make sure we were out of the line of fire."
"Good call," Robert told her as they ducked.
BANG!
"Ow! The damn bullet grazed my shoulder!" Pam shouted. "God damn it Ms. Archer you nearly blew my head off!"
"I know. How the hell did I miss?" Mallory was stunned. She tried to fire again but was tackled by Ray, Cyril and a few other people.
A short time later down the street…
"Kicked out of my own husband's funeral," Mallory grumbled as she drank at the bar of a nearby restaurant.
"You're lucky that funeral home isn't pressing charges," Cyril told her. He was at the bar with Ray, Krieger, Pam and Cheryl.
"I didn't know funeral homes had insurance for these kinds of situations," Ray mused. "Apparently this happens at least once a month."
Cheryl giggled. "You totally missed Pam and she was like right in front of you! Boy are you getting old."
"I want my gun back," Mallory growled.
"You'll get it later," Ray told her.
"And you'll get yours later!" Mallory warned Cheryl.
"This is why Lana took the gun and left with Robert," Pam glared at Mallory. "You gotta calm your bony ass down."
"By getting her liquored up," Krieger quipped. "That will help!"
"Oh, what does it matter!" Mallory started to cry. "Ron's gone. He may have been a secretive bastard but he was the love of my life. God I'm going to miss him."
"Me too," Pam sighed.
Cheryl spoke up. "Unless they decide to give him another voice actor. He was a very popular fan favorite. It's possible. Not likely but possible."
"Will you get your brain out of TV Land for a minute?" Ray snapped. "A man just died here! A man we all loved!"
"Oh, dear God Gillette," Mallory looked at him. "Don't tell me you too…?"
"As a friend!" Ray snapped. "ASS!"
"Ron was a great guy," Cyril sighed. "I learned a lot from him."
"Me too," Krieger nodded. "I learned to never pay for the undercoating!"
"That is valuable advice," Pam nodded. "Remember all the fun times we had with Ron?"
"I do," Cheryl nodded. "Whether they were canon or not, Ron was a wonderful recurring guest star!"
Ray looked at Cheryl. "More than half the lightbulbs in your stadium are out! You know that, right?"
"Probably because I forgot to let the janitor out of the closet," Cheryl shrugged as she took a drink.
Mallory took a drink. "You know the real kicker out of all this? Ron was the love of my life and I took him for granted. I always thought we had time to really work things out. But by the time we just started…It was too late. Because once again I put my career first in my life. Oh, and Sterling. But mostly my career. And what do I have to show for it? A few pictures. A few memories and a whole bunch of regrets."
"On the bright side," Cheryl shrugged. "You technically didn't get divorced so you get pretty much almost everything he owns."
"That will comfort me!" Mallory groaned. "A closet full of men's suits and shoes!"
"And eight Cadillac dealerships," Pam added.
Mallory's eyes widened. "I forgot about those…"
"There it is…" Ray groaned as he took a drink.
"This day just turned around," Mallory brightened. "Don't get me wrong, Ron's death is a terrible tragedy but…Eight dealerships are nothing to sneeze at. Obviously, I'm not keeping them all. At least not the one in Yonkers. I'm sure some of his former employees would buy that one. Or maybe I can get Joey to buy it. He's got money now."
"I'm glad to see you're bravely moving on from Ron's death," Cyril said sarcastically.
"Even dead Ron's still more alive than your sex life!" Mallory snapped at him. "Everything Ron had is mine! All mine!"
"Well maybe not all of it," A tall blond man in a suit walked up behind her.
"Who the hell are you?" Mallory asked.
"Eric Rush," The man showed her his badge. "IRS."
"Damn it…" Mallory groaned. "Wait a minute, how did you know about Ron's death so fast?"
"He had his lawyer contact us as soon as he died," Rush explained. "He said he wanted to make sure that his greedy wife didn't get more than she deserved from his death. His words."
"Ron…" Mallory gritted her teeth.
"Boy does God hate you," Pam snickered.
"We've been looking at your records too and found them…" Rush paused. "Wanting. I'm giving you this notice personally for an audit." He handed her a piece of paper.
"Oh please Mr. Rush," Mallory purred. "I'm sure you and I can come to some kind of understanding." She leaned in seductively.
"I'm gay," Rush told her.
"Damn it," Mallory groaned. "Wait, how about…" She pointed to Ray.
"And married," Rush added.
"Damn it," Ray groaned.
"Is this going to be one of those things where it would be easier to write out a huge check?" Mallory asked.
"It's going to be a big one," Rush told her.
"How big?" Mallory asked
"The combined sales of at least eight car dealerships in the Tri-state area big," Rush told her.
"Ughhhh…" Mallory groaned. "Come with me Mr. Rush. I need to make some calls." She walked away with Rush.
"Guess Ron got the last laugh after all," Ray grinned.
"Ron Cadillac," Pam raised her glass. "You were freaking epic!"
Everyone raised their glass. "Freaking epic!"