Friday came, and Bev put hers, and Emily's bags in the trunk, back, of the car. Bev had also put a cooler, with some frozen meals, and boxes of easy to make stuffing, and mashed potatoes. "Alright, ladies, have a nice trip". Ed said, helping to put the cooler in the trunk. "Of course, I'll call you when we get there". Bev said. The rasp of her voice, cut against the warm, humid air, that surrounded a cloudy, silver sky. "Mommy, I have Britney Spears".
Emily said, holding one of her Barbie Dolls. "Mmm, she's pretty". Bev said, stretching a bit, already feeling the baby growing. It was in the fetus stage, although it was growing rapidly. She was in her first trimester. "I brush her hair". Emily said. "Mmm". Bev's lips curled into a smile. She loved seeing her daughter, Emily grow. Of course, the reality was that Emily wouldn't find anyone, would have to be taken care of as an adult, although, she needed the comfort. She had been through trauma.
"Are you ready, love?". Bev asked, gently. "Yes". Emily said. Emily was still in her full body pajamas. Bev buckled Emily in her booster, car seat, then getting in, starting, and pulling out of their driveway. As they drove, they went past neighborhood houses, a shopping plaza that sat nearby, and some delis. Emily looked out the window at these houses, and plazas, putting her hand against the window. There was a little bit of silence, as Bev focused on her driving. She was still distracted by the sex she had with her husband the night before. She could still feel his penis slipping into her vagina, resting itself against her vagina, as it pressed. She loved the tingling, rock hard feeling she got from the penis. Bev sighed, dreamily. This was good, though. She was spending quality time with her daughter.
"Mommy". Emily began to ask, as Bev drove onto the backroad that would take them to the beach. "Yes, sweetie?". Bev asked, gently. "Um...um...was grandma nice?". "Well, sweetie, when I was your age, your grandmother was good to us". Bev said, gently. "My parents never hit my sister, and I". "but, they did discipline in other ways". "Grandma yell at you?". Emily asked. "She never lost her temper that much, although she would kindly, and firmly let us know what we did was wrong". Bev said, kindly. "My parents were kind, although, like most parents, they set limits in order to guide us toward our best selves". "That's what any parent wants for their child, is for them to become their best self". "You are really nice to me". Emily said.
"You're a good girl, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "You're very respectful, selfless, responsible". "Daddy, and I love your company". "I...I'm good because I don't...I don't want anything bad to go on with daddy, and you". Emily said. Emily was able to form sentences. "Sweetie, daddy, and I are vibrant, youthful, healthy, we're going to be around for a long time". Bev said, in a gentle, motherly tone. "I'm having a baby, which just restores my confidence in being young". "Was Ralph good?". Emily asked. "He wasn't perfect". Bev said, gently. "He made some bad decisions when he was a teenager". "Come to think of it, he's always managed to go against the gradient". She focused on her driving.
"How?". Emily asked. "Well, when he was younger, he would draw all over his bedroom walls, until I had to wash them, that made daddy very mad". Bev said, gently. "He would get into things, he once put makeup on, and wore the craziest outfit for his school picture day". "He would sneak out at night, and see R rated films". "He always wanted to be an original".
"Why did Ralph, and daddy fight?". Emily asked. "They were opposites in many ways". Bev said, kindly. "Daddy was more grounded, set in his ways, he was more of a rule follower". "Ralph on the other hand, was very punitive". "He always thought there should be no rules". "They would go at one another, Ralph would get into trouble, there was always a problem with him". "As he got older, there were more incidents, he would go to parties, he drank beer, he skipped school, he acted out, he wasn't perfect".
"Ralph is bad". Emily said. "He oftentimes, made his own decisions". Bev said, gently. "He formed his own opinions as he got older, he was always an original". "It's too bad he doesn't see how much we've sacrificed for him, and what our guidance has done for him, but, I can only hope I've done the right thing". Emily sat, drinking her almond milk. She felt tired from a nocturnal awakening she had that morning. Emily was still having nightmares, and PTSD episodes from her other adoptive parent's deaths. Emily yawned. She still asked Bev questions. "Is it hard being a mommy?". Emily asked. "Well, sweetie, some days are better than others". Bev said, gently. "I've learned so much more from Ralph". "I'm lucky that I have the experience of being a parent". "It's not easy, but I've learned, and grown with my child". "There are so many opportunities to be a good person that come from being a mom". "It's very rewarding".
"I learned from you, mommy". Emily said. "I'm glad you have, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I've enjoyed seeing the amazing young lady you've become". "I've learned so much from you, about your culture, about your backhistory, what you enjoy doing". "As a mom, I've learned so much from my children, as they have from me". "I'm thrilled to be doing it all again". "I want to be a mommy someday". Emily said. "I'm not sure, sweetie". Bev said, gently. Emily drank her milk.
There was silence for a second, then Emily spoke. "Grandma is really nice". "She is, she's sweet". Bev said, gently. "I knew you would love grandma". "Did grandma tickle tickle you, when you were little?". Emily asked. "Sometimes". Bev said, gently. "When I was your age, grandma, and grandpa often worked late, so we were on our own, most of the time". "Eventually, when they did come home, they came in and said goodnight". "They were sweet, although they were never overly affectionate". "It was always quiet with my sister and I". "we always spent time together, though". "We would go into mom's room, and put on her clothes, we'd do our hair, we'd jump rope, we did a lot of things". Emily was quiet for a second. "Aunt Linda". Bev said, gently. "Oh". Emily said. "Was she nice?". "She was a bit temperamental". Bev said, gently, focusing on each backroad, and going through old, historic towns, that were close as they crossed the farmlands, big ranches, and forests over to the West Coast.
"She was a bit more headstrong, opinionated than I was". Bev told her story. "When it came to doing certain things, she was always the first one in". "She certainly spoke her mind on things". "When it came to raising her kids, she was always a bit more authoritarian, whereas I was always a bit softer". "We were always together".
"Grandma never had any favorites, although, she always said, she admired my gentle nature". "You are nice". Emily said. "I'd like to think I am". Bev said. "I took a much kinder approach to raising my son". "I never let him manipulate me, but, I wasn't as strict". "Daddy's nice to me". Emily said. "You never cause us any problems". Bev said, gently. "We're always proud of you". "I know, mommy". Emily said. "You tell me everyday". "Well, it's true, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "You've always been respectful, you've followed the rules, you've been very helpful to daddy, and I". "we love that".
"I follow the rules because it's safe". Emily said. "It is safe, and helpful". Bev said, gently. "That's just who you are". "You've always been selfless, kind, respectful, hardworking". "I love that". "I have to try". Emily said. "I have to work hard". "I'm not smart". "Mmm, you've done great things, however". Bev said, gently. "Your selflessness comes from your belief, of god, and love for everybody". Emily thought about this for a second. Bev was right. Emily loved god, she loved to pray. It wasn't wrong what Bev knew about her. "Yes". Emily said. "Mmm, when you were by yourself, praying was a comfort source". "God was all you had". Bev said, gently. Her deep, raspy, voice came to a lower, suggestive register. "Yes". Emily said. "God taught me to be nice". "I want people to be happy". "I know god does". "Mmm". Bev nodded. Bev got a bit more curious, as there was a silence between them. "Was it hard for you?". Bev asked, gently. "Not being kissed, not being hugged, not being comforted?". Emily sat, looking down at the necklace her birth mom got her. "Yes". Emily said. "Sweetie, I remember when you first came to us, you were so quiet, at times". "There were times, you'd hide from us, you'd cry, and cry, you never wanted to be held, or touched". Bev said, gently. "You were very happy, although, there were times, you were very depressed".
"I know". Emily said. "My other mommy, and daddy died". "Was it difficult?". Bev asked, kindly. "Yes". Emily said. "I...I...I can't sleep". "Mmm, I remember you had trouble sleeping". Bev said, gently. "You came into our room at times". "You would rock back and forth when you were scared". "You'd cry for only a few seconds". "I would tickle your cheek, you'd cry". "I guess". Emily said. "I know it was a sad time". Bev said, gently. "Yes". Emily said. "Mmm, daddy, and I loved you so much". "I was so happy to have an amazing best friend". Bev said, gently. "Why was I in the doctor's?". Emily asked. "The hospital?". Bev clarified. "Well, you sustained bad injuries from the plane crash". "You had a head wound, you had a gash on your arm". Bev said, gently. "You could barely lift your head".
"Did I talk?". Emily asked. "You were doing very well with your adoptive parents, but the accident made you regress a little bit". Bev said, with a soothing kindness in her voice. "When we got you, you were having trouble swallowing, you would become depressed, you didn't respond to your name". "We enrolled you in your school, had developmental therapists work with you, and immediately after, you blossomed". "You knew your letters, you learned your numbers, you would make arts, and crafts, you could feed yourself". "You are doing so well, and have so many talents, you've moved me".
"Why is my school small?". "Sailor has a big school". Emily said. "Well, sweetie, your school is for children who have had a rough start". Bev said, gently. "Some of the kids that are in your class, have experienced really bad hardship". Emily looked up at Bev. "are they like me?". Emily asked. "They are, although, they each have different stories". Bev said, gently. "Ivanov was born in Russia, lost his birth parents to terrorism, he was taken to a run down, orphanage that was led by a cruel person". "Ivanov is just like me". Emily said. "He is". Bev said, gently. Bev's deep, raspy, yet gentle voice seemed to calm Emily.
"We grouped both of you together, based on your similar stories". Bev said, kindly. "You both lost your birth parents, have seen violence, and terrorism, you both tried to save your families, both of you are kind, responsible, selfless, respectful, we knew you could share the experience of growing up, and trusting others". "Ivanov is a Saint". Emily said. "Yes, he is". Bev said, gently. "A saint is someone that is looked up to, and prayed to, in a time of need". "Like Saint Rita?". Emily asked. "Yes, just like that". Bev said, gently. "Ivanov's mom, and dad were going to have him canonized". "He's a hero, just like you". "Yes". Emily said. Bev smiled a gentle smile, admiring Emily. She was disabled, although she was just so...hardworking, and moral. Bev needed a polite rule follower, even if she had her son, Ralph.
"I want to be normal". Emily said. "I want to help you, and daddy". "I want to live by myself". "Sweetie, I understand". Bev said, gently. "You are an amazing person, who has made our lives special". "But, you are limited in what you can do". "You have a disability, which means you may not be able to do everything". "I can sing my songs". Emily said. "Maybe". Bev said, pursing her lips. "But, I think what would happen, in reality, is you would have to live with daddy and I". "we'll take care of you". "So, I can't do it?". Emily asked. "I'm afraid not, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I...I...I...I...I try". Emily said. "I did my best". Emily felt the gravity of the situation for a second. She felt the reality onset of this tragedy, along with the last one.
"Sweetie, it isn't your fault". Bev said, gently. "You experienced something very traumatic at an early age". "You witnessed death, you saw violence, no one at the orphanage cared for you, properly". "Ok". Emily said. "Never think you were born imperfect". "Your birth mother loved you so much, and thought you were her greatest gift". "You had such a loving family".
They pulled into the resort parking lot. It wasn't a beach house, but it was a place for them to stay. It was a small resort, consisting of some apartment buildings, as well as a pool, and hot tub outside. Bev opened the trunk, taking out her, and Emily's bags. There was a cart nearby, they set their stuff on.
Bev put the boxes of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and spaghetti on the cart as well. They took the elevator up to the 3rd floor, where they came into a room.
It was a nice room, it was a studio apartment, with a window pane on the upper side, modern appliances for a kitchen, a flat screen T.V. and a king size bed. The leather couch overlooked the flat screen T.V. as well. Bev emptied the boxes, and put hers, and Emily's suitcase in the master bedroom, near the king size bed.
"This is nice, isn't it?". Bev said, gently. "Yes". Emily said, touching the walls, and things, as she put her hands up. She was like Anastasia McGinnis, touching, and exploring.
"It's all for us". Bev said, in a lower register voice. "My best friend". She smiled, kissing Emily's forehead.
Bev unpacked, and sat on the spacious porch, smoking a cigarette. Emily came outside, holding her doll. Emily was silent for a second, not sure if she wanted to bring it up. But, she did. She felt a tightness in her stomach, in her throat. It was the kind of tightness that came when crying was about to occur.
"Mommy". Emily asked. She tried, and tried, although the question came out, a different question. "Yes, love?". Bev said, gently. "Can we go swimming?". Emily asked. "Of course, love". Bev said, gently. "I have your bathing suit in my bag, we'll put it on".
Bev finished her cigarette, putting it out. She unpacked the clothes bags, helping Emily to put on her bathing suit. Bev had on a thin cover up, with nothing on underneath.
They went down to their own pool. There was no one there, and it was small. It was truly their own pool.
Bev stepped in, floating, swimming around, as Emily swam. Bev was completely nude. There was a bit of silence again. Then Emily asked her, important question.
"Mommy, what was my family like?". Emily looked up at Bev as she asked this. "Mmm, sweetie, your birth family was a wonderful, loving family". Bev said, gently. "Your mother liked outdoors things, she was very brave, down to Earth, kind, selfless, she passed that on to you". "When she had you, she loved you very much". "You were her greatest gift". "She would hold you, and sing to you". "You, and she had a special connection". "You were destined to be together". "When you would go to bed, she would put you down, and rub your back". "God brought you both together". "I saw my mom". Emily said. "She had brown hair". "You saw her as a prayer vision?". Bev asked. "Yes". Emily said.
"Then, one day, there was an attack that occurred". "Terrorists came, and bombed several places". "Your brothers, and sisters, your mom, and dad didn't survive". "You were the only survivor". "Then, you were completely on your own for 2 months". "You saw terrorism, you experienced torture, you survived gang violence". Bev said, gently. "You were picked up by the police, taken to an orphanage, I forget the name of it". "It was in your information, somewhere, we'll have to take a look". "There, they had a low, caregiver, staff ratio, they were very mechanical with how they took care of their babies".
"I researched these orphanages". Bev said, kindly. "They used to feed babies mush in a bottle, they never fed you solid food, you were never hugged, kissed, comforted when you were upset". "They never gave you any stimulation of any kind". "Why did they not hug me?". Emily asked. "They were a run down orphanage". Bev said, gently. "They didn't hug any of their kids". "Oh". Emily said. "But, you were never abused, or attacked, like you were on the street". "I...I...I I saw my other mom die". Emily said, sniffling a bit. "Mmm, you remember it". Bev said, gently. She brushed the water with her backhand.
"What was it like?". Bev asked, kindly. Her thin, thick, lips moved as she said this, in a whisper. "It was dark". Emily said. "It was loud, and there was thunder". "There was a man with a hat, on his head, it was round, he keeped, saying, "Allah!". "Allah!". "He cut my mommy and daddy with a knife". "Everybody died". "It was yellow, and there was lightning". "I tried". "Mommy and daddy died". Bev stroked Emily's cheek. "That must've been so hard to watch your mom, and dad pass on, in front of you". Bev said, softly, with a gentle, motherly, kindness in her voice. There was a wet spot in the corner of Emily's eye, as she sniffled.
"I tried". Emily said, sniffling. "I did not save the people". "I am a bad person". Bev tickled Emily's cheek. "Sweetie, you did something very heroic". Bev said, gently. "You saved everyone on the plane". "You helped everyone by fighting back, staying calm, you were a true hero". "It wasn't your fault, something bad happened". "You saved your parents' lives". Emily's wet spot stayed there, as she looked up at Bev. Bev knew Emily was experiencing grief. "Sweetie, when we survive hard things such as violence, or a plane crash, we feel guilty we didn't do more". Bev said, gently. "I believe it's called survivor's guilt". "Sur-vi-vor". Emily said, trying to pronounce the word. "Yes, sweetie, you are a survivor". Bev said, kindly. "We'll take a look at it later, and see".
Emily sniffled, as Bev stroked her cheek. "Love, are you ok?". Bev asked, gently. Emily looked up at Bev. "no, mommy". Emily said, sniffling. "I know, sweetie, you've had a rough beginning". Bev said, gently. "You are the bravest, most heroic, selfless person I've met". Bev said. "That's including your father". She smiled a gentle smile. "I know it's been difficult, going through this trauma, having the most powerful gift taken from you". "I want to be smart". Emily said. "I don't want to be di-s-a-bl-ed". "I want to be normal". "I can't say, what I want to". "I can't think". "I try". "I don't...I don't have...I don't have my other mommy, and daddy ". She sniffled.
"Sweetie, I understand it's difficult". Bev said, gently. "Remember how important you are to us". "Daddy, and I love you so much". "We will always be there to protect you, and support you". "You are our amazing love". Bev tickled Emily's cheek. "Don't worry, sweetie". "I'll make sure you have everything you need". "You will never have to worry about trauma, or violence again". Bev said, gently. She smiled a cunning smile. She brushed Emily's cheeks, with her hand. "I had a nightmare". Emily said. "Sweetie, when did you have this bad dream?". Bev asked, gently. "Last night". Emily said. "What happened?". Bev asked, with a soothing quality to her voice.
"My other mommy and daddy got ate". Emily said. "The big dog bit my mommy and daddy". "There was fire everywhere". "I saw their hearts get eat". "There was a roar". "It sounded like a plane". "There was a gun".
"That's not good". Bev said, gently, softly, as she brushed the water with her back hand. "Maybe this was from your memory of the plane crash". Bev said, gently. "Coupled with violence". "Yes". Emily said. A wet spot was seen again near Emily's eye. "Was it hard going back to sleep?". Bev asked, kindly. "Yes". Emily said. "I am still tired". "Mmm". Bev hummed, gently, soothingly, stroking Emily's cheeks. "Sweetie, you truly are an inspiration". Bev said, gently. "Your father and I know you are a gift to us both". "You've brought so much joy into our lives". "You are so honest with us, I'm so proud of you". "We will always be happy as long as you're with us". "Thank you, mommy". Emily said. "It's ok to be a bit behind, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I know it was difficult enduring that much pain". "You will never have to worry, I'm always here for you". Emily sniffled, sitting in the water. "I love how our special relationship has taken us on a journey that we'll always remember". Bev said, gently.
"I try". Emily said. "You have, and you've done so well my lovely best friend". Bev said, gently. Bev tickled Emily's cheek, stroking her head. Emily whined a little bit, sniffling. "It'll be ok, love". Bev said, gently. "I love my perfect girl". She kissed Emily's cheek. Emily accepted the kiss, although she tensed up a little bit. "It's ok, my perfect angel". Bev said, kindly. "I know it's a bit scary being kissed, when you haven't been early on". "Is that why I'm scared?". Emily asked. "That is". Bev said, gently. "You were kissed by your birth mother, although, you were never kissed in the orphanage". "That's why sometimes you feel tense". "Ok". Emily said. "I still love you, sweetie". Bev said, gently. Emily swam, going under the water. She loved swimming. Bev admired Emily, as she swam. "Mommy, I went under water". Emily said. "I saw it, dear". Bev said, gently. "You were so great". Emily continued swimming, as Bev stretched out, brushing the water. Emily came up, sitting by her mom. The wind blew hot, even though the sky remained gray. The sky was turning a pinkish flesh color, as the sun was nowhere to be seen.
The pool was absolutely silent, as Emily swam. She felt a bit depressed, along with the flesh pink colored sky. She felt a bit of sadness come through, as a vision from her nightmare came to, again. She sniffled, feeling the sadness.
She felt as if she had just been stabbed, or punched. She felt as if the pain was sucking away at her, pushing down, ripping, and tearing at her heart. She wanted to rip, and tear. The sadness pressed over her, haunting her, as the visuals of the nightmares came back to torture her. It was the sadness that wouldn't go away. Emily was used to the pain, although. She was familiar with the violence, the screaming, the yelling. A tear came from Emily's eyes, as she sat, silently. She curled up a little bit.
Emily let out a cry. "It's alright, love". Bev said, gently. Her deep, raspy voice surrounded Emily. "I love you very much, sweetie". "I'm always here for you". She tickled Emily's cheek. There was a wet spot by the corner of Emily's eye. "There you are, my amazing love". Bev kissed Emily's cheek. "I know it was difficult, but, we're together, as a new family, we'll protect you, sweetie". Bev kissed Emily's forehead, and cheek. "I'm with you on this journey". Bev said, gently. "I will always be beside you, despite what happens". "I know, mommy". Emily said. "Sweetie, you still have that cute snowglobe your other adoptive parents gave you when you came to them". Bev said, gently. "It has a bear and the moon". Emily said. "Yes, from when you were young". Bev said, kindly.
Bev massaged Emily's cheeks. Emily felt the gentle touch Bev brought, as she calmed down a bit. She was still depressed, although she no longer felt like crying. "Sweetie, are you feeling alright?". Bev asked, gently. "No". Emily said. "How are you feeling, love?". Bev asked, gently. "Sad, because I want my other mommy, and daddy". Emily said, sniffling. "Mmm, I understand, sweetheart". Bev said, gently. "I know it was difficult, seeing them pass on". "How did that make you feel?". "Sad". Emily said. "Their cemetery isn't that far away from here". Bev said, gently. "Later, we'll get some flowers, and put them on their gravestone". "See my mommy, and daddy". Emily said. "Yes, we will, sweetie". Bev said, gently. Bev kissed Emily's cheek.
Emily felt the sadness arise in her again, as she sat in the water. She felt as if she wanted to cry again. "I love you, my amazing friend". Bev said, massaging Emily's cheeks. "I love you, too, mommy". Emily said. "Mmm, you are such a blessing". Bev said, gently. Emily felt a bit better knowing Bev was there to support her. She felt saddened, although. The burden of grieving over her other parents weighed on her. It felt as if it was crippling her. She didn't know what else to do. "What are some of your best memories with your former adoptive parents?". Bev asked, gently. Emily still had her head down. She was having a moment where she had trouble lifting her head. "Emily". Bev said, gently, addressing her. Emily looked up at Bev. "What were some of your best memories with your other mommy, and daddy?". Bev asked, kindly. "Mommy, and daddy go to the park". "I was on the swings". "Daddy pushed me". Emily said. "My daddy kiss me". "My mommy holded me". She used the nonexistent term, "holded", because she didn't have a concept of past tense, yet. But, in any case, she recounted her memories.
"My mommy smile at me". "We go home". "I taked a bath". (This is dialogue, keep in mind) (do not go crazy yet!). (Emily has a lower IQ, and is still learning to speak correctly). "Mommy hold me". "We eat dinner". "Mommy, and daddy, laughed". "I laughed, too". Emily said. "Mmm". Bev nodded. "Did your adoptive mom comfort you when you were upset?". "Yes". Emily said. "My mommy singed me a song". Emily said. "Mmm, she used to sing to you before you went to sleep". Bev said, gently. "Daddy picked me up". Emily said. "He holded me". She sniffled.
"Do you miss them?". Bev asked, gently. "Yes". Emily said. Emily sniffled, feeling another cry come on. "You spent a lot of time with your adoptive parents". Bev said, kindly. "Your adoptive parents loved you so much". "They were so glad to have you as their own". A tear came down Emily's cheek, as she looked up at Bev. "what do I do?". Emily asked. "Sweetie, the best thing to do, is continue honoring their memory". Bev said, gently. "They were great people, your parents". "They are looking down on you, thanking you for being amazing". Emily sat, feeling the grief aligned with losing her adoptive parents. She felt weak, inferior, felt insecure about being handicapped. She felt there was something wrong with her, because she was handicapped. A tear ran down her cheek, as she looked up at Bev.
"Mommy". Emily asked. "Yes, sweetie". Bev said, gently. Bev lit a cigarette, and sat, with her feet in the hot tub. "Does my family love me?". Bev knew this would be a tough thing. She knew the best thing to do was be honest with Emily. That, she did. "Our family?". Bev asked. "Yes". Emily said. "They don't". Bev said, although there was a harshness. "There are some people from daddy's family who are accepting, although my family does not". "Why?". Emily asked. "Well, sweetie, they are superior to you, in terms of being smart". Bev said, gently. "They don't have the tolerance for anyone that's disabled". "Some of them want nothing to do with you". "Oh". Emily said. Emily felt ashamed, knowing she didn't do anything.
"Sometimes, that's how some people are". Bev said, gently. Emily sat, trying to take in what Bev just said. Emily felt as if she had just been hit, or yelled at. The pain seemed to deepen. "Mommy, did I do something bad?". Emily asked. "No, of course not, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "You didn't do anything wrong". "Some people aren't tolerant of things that are different". "Oh". Emily said. "It isn't your fault, honey". Bev said, gently. "Sometimes, certain people are just cruel". Emily just sat, silently. She felt a sadness come over her, snaking its way in. She couldn't explain this pain, this sadness, it was a feeling too big for her to understand, it was too complicated for her to process, but the sadness was there, eating away at her.
"We still love you". Bev said, gently. Emily sat, not saying anything. It was the hurt that was too great for her little heart. This new pain that came about, as Emily felt as if she wasn't good enough. Emily felt she didn't deserve a family. Emily looked at her mom. "I'm sorry, mommy". Emily said. "I try to be better". "I want my family to love me". Emily didn't feel the sadness yet, or grasp the reality of how she was hated due to her disability. "I understand, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "Do you feel sad?". "No". "I am ok". Emily said, swimming around a bit. "Are you sure?". Bev asked, gently. "I love my aunt, I love my grandma, I love my cousin". Emily said. "I know, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "They just aren't willing to love someone with a lower intelligence". Emily sat, silently for a second. She looked over in the distance. A storm cloud was approaching. "Do you still love me, mommy?". Emily asked.
"I will always love you, honey". Bev said, gently. "You are our gift". Emily sat, feeling the sadness come over her. "I try". Emily said. "I understand, sweetheart". Bev said, gently. "You've done so well". "I know a disability from not being cared for, the death of your birth parents, wasn't what you asked for". "No". Emily said. "Sweetie, you've been so strong, and have been so selfless". Bev said, gently. "You've inspired us". "I know". Emily said. Bev kissed Emily's cheek. "You should never feel as if you're not good enough". Bev said, gently. "I'm not". Emily said, sniffling. "Sweetie, you are wonderful". Bev said, kindly. "I'm so lucky to have adopted you". "Ok". Emily said.
There was a rumble of thunder nearby, as the cloud drew near. Emily became nervous, as she sat, crying. "Shh, it's ok, love". Bev said, gently. Bev tickled Emily's cheek. "Sweetie, let's go back upstairs, and we'll get ready to see your other mommy, and daddy". Bev assured, kindly. Emily's body shook, nervously. "It's ok, my love". Bev said, kindly. Bev smiled a gentle smile, lifting Emily's chin. "Are you ready to go back upstairs?". Bev asked, gently. "Yes". Emily said.
Bev got out of the hot tub, putting her cigarette out, as the thunder boomed. She put a towel around Emily, drying her off. A tear came down Emily's cheek. "It's ok, sweetie". Bev said, gently. Emily let out a cry. Bev put her cover up on, as she, and Emily packed up their bag, and went upstairs.
They got back to their room, as Bev put the beach bag by their bags. "Mommy, do I have to take a shower?". Emily asked. "Yes, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "Chlorine smells yucky after you've been out of the pool for a while". "Let's get you something pretty to wear, love". Bev went in Emily's suitcase, picking out a cute, pink dress. "Oh, you'll look so darling". Bev said, smiling a gentle smile. Emily went over to the shower. "Here you are, sweetie". Bev hung Emily's dress up near the door of the master bathroom. Emily went in the shower, turning it on. She knew red meant hot, blue meant cold. She waited for it to turn hot, as Bev went to take her shower. Emily felt it turn hot, as she stepped in. The water seemed to calm Emily, making her feel less anxious about the thunderstorm outside. Emily stood in the shower, breathing deeply, feeling a new kind of weird, sadness that came about. While the water was comfortable, she felt a sadness, a depression, an anxiety come about.
She soaped her hair with shampoo, and cleaned herself with soap. The pink outside, the fleshy color reflected inside, lighting the shower a weird color. Emily felt this sadness rise, as the pain in her soul returned. The visions returned, as Emily tried keeping them from her mind. This pain, rose up, almost consuming Emily. Perhaps Emily wasn't good enough. Maybe no one loved her. Emily felt this darkness, this weird sad feeling, the feeling of her palms becoming sweaty, taking over her body. She began rocking back, and forth. In this moment, she bowed her head, and prayed.
Through this darkness, Emily felt a light rise within her, she felt the light shine through. She felt a comfort, a love that was enriched come about, as it rested within her. Emily looked up, feeling reassured, feeling protected. For a while, she felt calm. She felt the sadness get put aside. The light deepened, and deepened, as through the flesh pink sky, through the eerie light, came a mist. The mist surrounded Emily, as a bright light appeared. It was a gentle light. It was a beauteous light, and through the light, Emily saw her. She saw the friendly, gentle, eyes of her birth mother, Ana.
Emily looked up at her birth mother, folding her hands in prayer. "Mom". she said, as tears streamed down her face. Ana recognized the upset feeling from her daughter. She reached her hand out, as Emily took hold of it. Emily sniffled, as she looked up at her birth mother. "Mom". she said, again. Ana looked down at Emily. "What is troubling you, Emily?". Ana seemed to say. Ana's voice was gentle, understanding. Emily looked up at Ana, her eyes losing their hope, losing their innocent happiness. "My family doesn't love me". Emily said. "My family hates me". Emily had a sadness in her eyes, as she still folded her hands in prayer. "Never mind them". Ana seemed to say. God was speaking through Ana, Ana was speaking through Emily. "I will always love you". "Find the strength within yourself to forgive, and give the world hope".
Emily put her hand up, touching her birth mother's hand. She felt the love, the hope, and the protection come to her one last time, as she prayed. She prayed for her family's safety. The love she felt was imminent. It was within her heart. She felt it was within her. Emily felt god was protecting her. God was looking out for her. In this cruel world, where it seemed no one really cared, there was at least someone there to help her through the pain. There was at least someone. This was real. This was the truth. Emily folded her hands in prayer, acknowledging the open wounds on her heart. It was going to be ok. Now that she was with god.
Emily opened her eyes, seeing that the sky outside was still flesh pink. She felt warmed by the shower, as she noticed her birth mother was gone. It was time to get out. She turned the water off, as she went over to grab her towel. She dried off, she knew how to dry off, and tried putting her dress on. Luckily, she knew how to dress herself as well. She went outside, finding Bev wearing a skimpy, red bra, and fishnet stockings. "Love, you look so beautiful". Bev said, gently. She crossed her chubby legs. Bev's voice was raspy, and deep. "You look absolutely gorgeous". Bev smiled. "Thank you". Emily said. Bev kissed Emily's cheek. "I love you so much, sweetie".
Emily sat, feeling this sadness come up, and over her again. "Mommy". She said, looking up at Bev. Bev put a fresh coat of lipstick on, as she put her cigarette pack in her purse. "Yes, love". Bev said, gently. "Am I bad?". Emily asked. Bev knew honesty was the best way to answer this question. Then again, so was comfort. "Sweetie, of course not". Bev said, gently. "You are a great person, although my family isn't as tolerant as some other people". "You do have a disability, some people aren't accepting of that". "You will be hated for it". "I saw a man get beat up". Emily said. "He was different too". Emily did a good job pronouncing the word, "different".
"Sweetheart, the reality is, people who are disabled are not well received". Bev said, gently. "They're hated by many because they are not as smart". Emily stood, staying silent. She felt the strong, big, sadness absorb her again. "Why?". Emily asked, not understanding why these people were targeted. She didn't understand the evils that surrounded her. "There are some people, there are many people, who don't like to be held back from doing great things, and advancing their cause". Bev said, gently. "People that are different, or less-than, are said to keep things where they are, instead of furthering things along". "Intelligence is a very important quality to have". "If someone has less of that quality, or need help with things, intellectually, they are seen as a burden".
"Mommy, I want to help you, and daddy". Emily said. "I want to be smart". Emily looked up at Bev. Bev could see in Emily's eyes that she was a trier. Emily worked hard at everything she did. "Sweetie, I love you". Bev said, gently. "You are doing wonderful things for our family". "You are not at all a burden". "You are disabled, you do have an impairment, but, it's not your fault". "You were deprived at a very young age". Bev spoke in a gentle whisper at this point. "You weren't given the nutrients, or the love you needed". "Your parents passed away".
"I know you didn't deserve to have this impairment". Bev said, in a gentle, soft, motherly tone. "No". Emily said. "Mmm, yet you've been so respectful, and generous". Bev said, softly. "You've inspired everyone". She stroked Emily's forehead. "Do you feel angry, or sad that you have this disability?". "Yes". Emily said. "I have to work hard". "I have to be smart". "Mmm". Bev nodded. "I love you no matter what". "You do?". Emily asked. "I do, sweetheart". Bev said, gently. "You are my blessing". "We adopted you because we knew you needed someone to help you on your journey". "I loved you before I met you". Bev kissed Emily's cheek.
Emily felt better knowing her adoptive mom, Bev was behind her at least. Emily felt comforted by Bev. Bev was a good person to go to in times of trouble.
"Let's tie your dress, sweetie". Bev said, gently. She tied Emily's back strings of her dress. Emily's eyes began to fall, as she sat. "Would you like to see mommy, and daddy?". Bev asked, gently. "We'll pick up some flowers on our way". "Ok". Emily said. Emily got up, getting her stuffed teddy bear to take with her. Bev put her cigarette lighter in her purse. It was a glittery pink lighter. Bev's heels clicked as she walked, closing the door behind her.
The rain had stopped, luckily, although the sky still looked flesh pink. Emily got into her car seat, as Bev buckled her in. Bev felt increasing pains from the baby welling up inside her.
The drive wasn't that long to the local grocery store, which sat nearby. "Mommy". Emily asked, as Bev made her drive to the store. "How did you and daddy, adopt me?". "Well, honey, we sponsored the Children's Hospital, originally, when our friend, Ms. Paula worked as a surgeon there". Bev said, gently. "We were empty nesters, your father and I, and I wanted the company of another child in the house". "I knew I wasn't going to get pregnant again, any time soon, so we decided to adopt". "We knew there were children there who needed a loving, supportive home, and we decided to do our part, and share with them the true gift of family".
"When we met you for the first time, you were so happy to see us". Bev said, kindly. "You would smile, and play". "You laughed, you would climb into my arms, and sit". "You were so pleasant". "There were some days, you would try to hide from us, or you would rock back and forth, when you were scared". "You would cry sometimes". "You loved us, and oftentimes looked for our comfort". "I knew, right away, that we shared a special bond". "We knew you were meant to be ours from the very beginning". "Our love for you was shared".
"They did a home interview, they talked with us, we filled out some paperwork at the courthouse, then, we came to pick you up". "Because of what you experienced with the plane crash, you regressed in development". Bev said, softly. "You could barely lift your head, you talked, although you could only say words, you couldn't form sentences, you didn't respond to your name". "You weren't toilet trained". "You had a hard time swallowing". "Did I play?". Emily asked. "You didn't know how to play with toys". Bev said, gently. "We enrolled you in your school, we met other parents with children of the same background". "That's where you met Ivanov". "We got you the therapy you needed, and you indeed blossomed".
"You sang songs, you would walk, you played with dolls, you were very social". "You loved your friends at school". "You met Sailor, and would invite her over". "You were very articulate when you spoke, you made us so proud each, and every day". "I love being your adoptive mom, and seeing the loving, respectful, responsible person you are". Bev said, gently. "You mean so much to daddy, and I". "We are so happy you made it into our lives". "How did you meet daddy?". Emily asked.
"I was just out of High School, when I first saw your father". "He was a very passionate man". Bev said, gently. "I loved how opinionated he was, how grounded he was, it was something I needed". "Why?". Emily asked. "When I was younger, even when I was your age, I was very immature, silly, I had loose morals". "I needed someone that had a concrete aspect, and true values". Bev said, gently. "How was you silly?". (again, this is dialogue, stay with me). Emily asked. "Well, when I was your age, I was very soft, very kind, although, I was childish". Bev said, gently. "I used to put holes in my mother's trash bags, so the trash fell out of it". "I once didn't keep track of everyone's school projects, so they went missing". "As I got older, I got into trouble a lot". "I stayed out late at boys' houses, I drank, I did so many dumb things".
"Then I met your father". Bev told her story, as she drove along. "I remember our first date was at a dockside restaurant". "It was crowded that day, so it was hard for us to find a seat, although we were seated outside at our own private patio". "We ate, talked, we shared our first kiss that night". "We did other things as well". Bev said, pursing her lips. She kept hidden the fact that she and Ed had sex that night, afterwards.
"We dated for three years, and married in 83". Bev said, pulling the car into the parking lot of the grocery store. "I loved your father very much". "He is a compassionate, caring, loving, caring man who has provided for us for many years". "He is a great father". "He's nice to me". Emily said. "He loves you very much". Bev said, gently. She felt an orgasm rise up. She felt Ed's penis against her vagina again, as the fetish started. "You are his blessing".
Bev parked the car in the parking lot of the grocery store. Now, the rain was coming down. She got out, going over to the other side to unbuckle Emily. Emily got out, walking with Bev. They went over to the floral section, picking up some flowers, to put on Emily's parents' gravestone. "Mmm, would you like some ice cream for tonight, sweetie?". Bev asked, gently. "For after dinner?". "Yes". Emily said. They went over to the freezer aisle, picking up chocolate ice cream.
They checked out, going back out to the car. The cemetery wasn't far away. "Mommy, when did you have Ralph?". Emily asked. "We had Ralph in 92". Bev said. "I was 31 when I had him". "So old". "I'm still not sure how I was able to get pregnant at this age". "That's really odd". "Hmm". "I have a young uterus". Bev pursed her lips. Her deep, raspy voice, due to smoking, while unattractive, comforted Emily. Perhaps it was because Bev was always so gentle. "I'll love having this baby with your dad". Bev said, looking up, navigating the road. "I'm excited to do it all again". "The process itself isn't easy, but, just watching our new child grow up". "You and daddy love each other". Emily said. "I love your father, dearly". Bev said, gently. "We're getting our wedding vows renewed soon". "It'll be a good time to reflect on how truly special our relationship is". "I am happily married to a wonderful man".
"I am the maid of honor". Emily said. "That's right, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "You're the most important". "We'll get you a dress to wear, you'll be able to hold flowers, and help me with my dress". "You'll help with the ceremony". "Ok". Emily said. "It's very exciting". Bev said. They pulled into the parking lot of the cemetery, well, it was on the side of the road. Bev got out, unbuckling Emily's belt, as she got out. They parked near where "Holdsoff" was. That was the last name of Emily's former adoptive parents.
They walked toward the gravestone, as Emily placed flowers in front of the gravestone. Emily stood, feeling the sadness of losing her adoptive parents. She felt anxiety, and fear as well. She stood, as a tear ran down her cheek. She sniffled. "Emily". Emily turned her head to see Bev. "sweetie, is there anything you'd like to say to your parents?". Emily sniffled again. "Mommy, daddy, be safe". She bowed her head, praying. Tears were streaming down her cheek, as she prayed. "Mommy, daddy, protect me". She seemed to pronounce protect ineloquently. Bev rubbed Emily's back, comfortingly. Emily rocked back and forth, again to self soothe. Bev continued soothing Emily by making nonverbal gestures. Emily was quiet, didn't say anything, although she had tears stream down her face. Emily felt the pain, felt the sorrow that she didn't feel before. All of a sudden, this sadness, this pain that towered over her, and crumbled, much like the world trade Center, standing so tall, so grandeur, before exploding on 9/11, this pain finally made sense. She may not have known what it was when it was entering. Now, she knew what it was, now that she felt it. This pain was grief, she was feeling. It was sadness. She was grieving over the loss of her parents.
Emily sniffled, as a tear came down. She felt some fear, and anxiety as well. She went to stand by herself. "Emily". Bev said, gently. Emily lifted her head. "Are you alright?". Bev asked, rubbing Emily's back. "Kinda". Emily said. "It's ok, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I...I...I...I talk to my mommy". Emily said. "She's up in heaven now". There were tears streaming down Emily's cheek. "She is". Bev said, gently. "You're doing very well". Emily put her hands up, the way Anastasia McGinnis, as a baby girl, would. "I put flowers there, they smell good". "My mommy smell the flowers". Emily said. "I'm sure they smell nice". Bev said, gently. Bev kissed Emily's cheek. Bev sighed, sympathetically. She felt bad that Emily experienced such trauma.
A bit later, it was beginning to rain again, and Emily wanted to go back to the resort. Emily's body started shaking again, as she got nervous. "It's ok, my love". Bev said, gently. She rubbed Emily's back. "We'll go home, take a rest, then I'll make some spaghetti". Emily nodded, sniffling. They got back in the car, driving back to the resort. Emily felt tired for some reason. She felt exhausted by that measure. She felt like crying, as the grief piled up over her. Sitting, in the back, she held her bear close to her. She looked down at the picture in the little heart pillow picture frame of her adoptive parents, and her. She sat, quietly, not making any noise. A tear streamed down her cheek.
"They were wonderful people, sweetie". Bev said, gently. Emily looked up at Bev, sniffling. "Yeah". She said, as another tear streamed down her cheek. "They will always love you, just as I love you". Bev said, gently. "Ok". Emily said. Bev drove home, parking the car in the parking lot near the resort. They got out, locked the car, and went upstairs. Bev put Emily's heart pillow picture near her suitcase.
As Emily played in the next room, there was a soft knock at the door. Bev went over, answering it. Rocko was there, wearing an orange pineapple Hawaiin shirt. "I didn't think you'd be here". Rocko whispered. "I told you I'd be up here with my daughter". Bev whispered. "I'd think you knew". "I just found out". Rocko whispered. He closed the door quietly behind him. "How is she?". "She's doing much better". Bev whispered. "She was crying a bit". "She's amazing though". Rocko whispered. "Yes". Bev whispered. "So are you, you dirty man". They both began kissing, as they snuck into the master bedroom, their kissing continued for a long time. Soon, Rocko took off his underwear, unhooking Bev's bra.
They both kissed in ecstasy, as Bev curled her tongue around Rocko's. They curled their tongues around one another. They continued kissing, then taking it to the bed. The sheets twisted, and curled, wrapping around one another, as they kissed. Rocko slipped his reproductive organ through Bev's. They continued kissing.
Emily was in the next room, playing with her dolls. She felt the fear, and the anxiety come back, as she sat, playing. Her body began shaking again, as she breathed deeply. She turned her head, sniffling, as a wet spot sat near the corner of her eyes. The towering feeling of fear, the anxiety seemed to consume her. She just kept playing with her dolls, not minding what was happening. Though her heart felt as if it was about to fall apart.
Some time had passed, and Emily opened her eyes. She nervously shook, as she had experienced another tremor when she had dozed off. She sniffled. She heard faint talking out on the porch. Going outside, she saw Rocko, and Bev talking out on the porch. Cigarette smoke surrounded the two of them. "Love, do you remember our neighbor, and friend, Rocko?". Bev said, gently. "Yes". Emily said. "He came up to visit us". Bev said, kindly. "Hi, Rocko". Emily said. "Hello, Emily". Rocko said, gently. "How are you?". "Good". Emily said. "Emily, I'm so happy to see you". Rocko said, gently. His cigarette sat in the ashtray. Emily sniffled a bit.
"She's a bit downtrodden". Bev said, blowing smoke from her cigarette. "We just went to see her parents' grave". "Aww". Rocko said, sympathetically. Emily looked up at them. "I see my mommy, and daddy". She said, holding her bear close. "My mommy, and daddy died in a plane crash". "I'm so sorry to hear that, sweetie". Rocko said, gently. "I know you were close with your adoptive parents". "Yes". Emily said. "They sing goodnight song, and read goodnight Quiet Cricket". Emily sniffled a little bit. There was a wet spot at the corner of her eye.
"I'm sure it's sad sometimes". Rocko said, gently. "But remember, they're always there, they love you, and are always protecting you". "Ok". Emily said. "Sweetie, the stove, and oven doesn't work right now, so we're going to a nice Chinese Restaurant". Bev said, gently. "You'll love it, they have rice, and ginger sauce; yellow Singapore style noodles". She blew smoke from her cigarette. "They have tea, I know you love your tea". "Would you like to come with us?". "Yes". Emily nodded. Bev smiled, stroking Emily's cheek. "I love you, my sweet, sweet girl". Bev said, gently.
"Sweetie, your locket looks beautiful". Rocko said, gently. "My mommy give me that". Emily said. "Your birth mom?". Rocko asked. "Yes". Emily said. "It looks as special as you are". Rocko said, gently. He hugged Emily. "Thank you, daddy". Emily said. It was weird Emily was calling Rocko, daddy. Perhaps the affair Bev had with Rocko, had an affect on Emily. Now that Rocko was spending so much time with Bev. "I got flowers for my mommy, and daddy". Emily said. "That's good". Rocko said, kindly. "To decorate their gravesite". "Do you miss mommy, and daddy?". Rocko asked, gently. "Yes". Emily said, sniffling. "It's ok, sweetie". Rocko said, gently. "I felt the same way when my grandfather passed". "Grandpa?". Emily asked. "Yes, my grandpa". Rocko said, gently. "When I was 23, he passed, peacefully". "There was a funeral for him, we laid him out for a couple of days". "It truly was something". "Oh". Emily said.
"I was sad, too". Rocko said. "I loved my grandfather very much". "He always knew what to say, what to do when I was feeling down". "He was our family's rock". "It's always hard when someone close to you passes". "It is". Bev said, gently. The wet spot in the corner of Emily's eye, became a tear that streamed down her cheek. "Sweetie, are you ok?". Bev asked, gently, she tickled Emily's arm. "No". Emily said. "But it's ok". "What's wrong, love?". Bev said, kindly. "My family doesn't love me". Emily said. "There's something wrong with me". "I'm not smart". Emily felt dejected, as the fear only grew in her heart. She was a trier, yes. She felt ashamed that she couldn't do more to earn her family's love, and admiration.
"Sweetie, I know that is true". Bev said, gently. "But, it's not your fault". "You didn't deserve to have this disability". Emily sniffled. "Sweetie, you didn't get enough love, and support at the beginning". Bev said, kindly. "But, don't be worried". "Daddy and I love you very much". "You are our perfect gift". "We won't worry about our relatives".
"Why are they mean?". Emily asked. "They aren't tolerant of anything that's different". Bev said, gently. "I...I...I...I try hard". Emily said. "I understand, sweetie". Bev said, stroking Emily's face. "You are an amazing person". "Sometimes, people with intellectual disabilities are seen as less than". "It happens most of the time".
"It's terrible it happens". Bev said, gently. "But, they're not smart enough, so they're usually looked down on". Emily sniffled, holding her Tigger Toy, her adoptive parents gave her, after she came home from the Orphanage. "It's an evolutionary thing I would think". Rocko said. "People want the best for mankind, and want to advance, so they depend on the smartest, and strongest to do it". "It always is the smartest, and strongest". "There really isn't a need for anyone that's disabled". "I think in years time, they'll either be cured, or eliminated".
"People have that underlying urge to eliminate them". Rocko said. "I think, personally, that it's a way of lying, if there's gushy, and mushy positivity, and optimism". "Positivity is a way of lying". Bev said, blowing out smoke. "I don't think anyone should put up with that optimistic crap". "I may be cynical, but I'm honest". "I think cynicism, and truth is what drives us along". "Am I gonna die?". Emily asked, holding her Tigger toy. "Not for a long time, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I love you very much". "You are beautiful, and talented". "It wasn't your fault you endured all of that trauma". "You didn't deserve that". "No". Emily said. Bev kissed Emily's cheek. "It'll be alright, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "How about anyone with a genetic problem?". Rocko asked. "They're freaks of nature". Bev said. Emily sniffled, as a tear came down her cheek. "Let's smile, sweetie". Bev said, kindly. She tickled Emily's cheek. "Are you ready for dinner?". "Yes". Emily said.
Bev put her cigarette back on the ashtray, walking inside. Rocko came along with her. As they walked out, Bev's phone rang. She looked, seeing Ed's number. She knew she could handle this, slyly. She answered, closing the porch door, to outside. Rocko put his shoes on. "This should be exciting". "A new restaurant". Rocko said, gently. "They have rice". Emily said. "They do". "They also have noodles, I know you like Singapore Style Rice Noodles". Rocko said, gently. "It'll be exciting". "I can't wait". Emily stood, waiting for her mom. She held her Tigger Toy.
Bev came back inside. "Was it daddy?". Emily asked. "Yes, sweetie". "I have something, I'd like to talk to you about". Bev said, gently. Bev sat down with Emily on the couch. "You remember your grandpa, your adoptive parents' father". "Grandpa". Emily said. "He play with me, and go to church with me". "Yes, he passed on today". Bev said, gently. There was a silence, as Emily took this in. There was a pain that came about, she felt from hearing this.
"Grandpa died?". Emily asked. "Yes, sweetie". Bev said, softly. Emily sat, taking in this newfound knowledge. She felt as if she was being tortured. Emily felt fear come over her, instantly. The only person she felt safe around. The only other person she felt loved her, truly, was gone. There was no definitive that she would see him in heaven.
In fact, there was no definitive, that there was a heaven. Emily could be born with a different identity, as a different person or being. Maybe, reader, there is no such thing as heaven. Maybe heaven does not exist. Maybe everyone is recycled, and becomes a new being. Or perhaps, there is emptiness after death. Matter can not be destroyed, and the matter we are made up of, is recycled into a new composite. A new being. After that person dies, they, in question, no longer exist, but as a new person, or a new being. Or maybe, they don't exist anymore. There are Atheists out there, cynics out there who believe Heaven, the afterlife, or recycling does not exist. I'd like to be one of the cynics.
Anyhow, Emily felt a certain fear come over her. Sadness also came over her, as she sat, sniffling. "Did Grandpa go to heaven?". Emily asked. "He did, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "Grandpa is in a better place". Emily sniffled, feeling the sadness come over her, feeling the pain start to swell, and grow. Tears came to Emily's eyes. "I know you might feel sad, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I know it's difficult". Emily sat, remembering all of the good times she had with her grandfather, Del. He truly did have a zest for life. He was energetic, fun, full of cheer, although he genuinely was a good person. He welcomed everybody, whether they were black, white, intellectually disabled, or of a different religion. He thought of everyone as equals. He, besides Emily's adoptive parents were the only people that truly loved Emily.
"I sat on Grandpa's knee". Emily said, sniffling. "He used to play with me". "He used to do voices". Grandpa Del would do different, funny accents. Emily had sadness in her eyes. Her eyes looked as if they were going to well up with tears. "Grandpa loves me very much". Emily said. Another wet spot was seen in the corner of her eyes. "Sweetie, you had so many memories with grandpa". Bev said, gently. "Why did he die?". Emily asked. "He had some heart troubles". Bev said, gently. "He was very sick for a while". "Oh". Emily said. "Where did grandma go?". "Grandma died along with your mom, and dad". Bev said, gently. Emily held her Tigger Toy close to her.
"Emily, honey, are you ok?". Bev asked, gently. Emily looked up at Bev. "yes". Emily said. "Let's go eat dinner, and then we'll come back, and have some ice cream". Bev said, kindly. "Alright, let's find this Chinese restaurant". Rocko said, looking at the brochure. "It's on West Haven Street, East". "It'll take at least 10 minutes to get there, it's just nearby". "Lovely". Bev said, putting a fresh coat of lipstick on. They went outside to the car. Rocko buckled Emily in. "you are so pretty, sweetie". Rocko said, playing with Emily. Emily laughed a little bit. Rocko kissed Emily's forehead. Bev smiled in admiration for Rocko. She loved how he was friendly with Emily. How strong, and limber he was. Such a passionate man. Bev admired Rocko, as she sat in the passenger's side of her car. They drove quite a ways to the Chinese restaurant. Rocko and Bev whispered to one another, a scandalous couple's whisper as the car drove down the street.
It started getting dark out, the sky began turning dark blue, as Rocko pulled into the parking lot with the Chinese restaurant. The rain still fell, as Emily looked out the window. It was like she had lost a part of herself. She had lost one of the only people that loved her. Emily sniffled, feeling the fear consume her again. She felt the fear eating away at her. This fear, this sadness, was this part of grief? Perhaps. Rocko pulled into a nearby parking space. The rain soaked, fogging up the front mirror. "Are you ready, sweetie?". Rocko said, gently. Emily looked up at him, then over to Bev. "it'll be ok, love". Bev assured, gently. "Ok". Emily said. She got out.
Walking through the entrance, there was a nice chandelier that hung over, and a fountain present in the lobby. "Hello, how many tonight?". An Asian, Baboon asked, holding some menus. "Just three". Rocko said. "Right this way". The Baboon said, showing them to a booth. Emily sat on one side with Rocko, while Bev sat on the other. "This is nice". Rocko said, as they got their menus. "A new restaurant". "We don't see that everyday". "No, we do not". Bev said, looking at her menu. The lighting was low. There was a bit of silence between them, as Emily looked up at Bev. "I miss my grandpa". Emily said, looking downward a bit. "Mmm, you loved your grandfather". Bev said, gently. "Your grandfather was a wonderful man". "Grandpa played with me". Emily said. "He certainly did". Bev said, gently. "He would hug you, and kiss you, he would put you to bed some nights, when you stayed over at his house". "He loved you very much".
"I don't...I don't know what to do". Emily said. "Sweetie, sometimes when things happen that hurt us, the best thing to do is to let time heal". Bev said, gently. "I know it hurts, but, he is in a better place, he will always be beside you". "Just like my mommy, and daddy". Emily said. "Yes, just like your mommy, and daddy". Bev said, gently. "Why did my grandpa go away?". Emily asked, as her eyes welled up with tears. The wet spot near her eyes turned into a tear, and streamed down her cheek. "Sometimes, people live a long life, and when their time comes, they pass on". Bev said, gently. "I know you miss grandpa". "You've lost a lot of very close family". "But, you've been so strong, so persevering through it". "You've never wavered from being a good person". Emily began crying. "I'm so proud of you, honey". Bev said, gently. Emily sat, swallowing her tears. "Sweetie, let's have some tea". Bev said, warmly. Emily sat, holding her Tigger Toy close to her.
The waiter brought some tea over. "Would you like a lemon in your tea?". Bev asked, kindly. "Yes". Emily said. Bev squeezed her water lemon into Emily's little tea cup. Emily drank it. "Thank you". Emily said. "Of course, love". Bev said, gently. They sat, drinking some tea, as the waiter came over. It was the Baboon from before that seated them. "Ready to order?". He asked. "Yes". Rocko said. "I would like the pineapple fried rice, and shrimp". "Ma'am". The Baboon said. "Oh, yes, I would like some Peanut Satay fried rice". Bev said. "Sweetie, would you like some Singapore noodles?". Bev asked Emily. "Yes". Emily said. "Can I have yellow noodles?". "Singapore style rice?". "Certainly". The Baboon said, putting it down on his notepad. "Can I have yellow soup?". Emily asked. "Egg drop soup to start?". "Yes". the Baboon said, putting it down on his notepad.
The Baboon took the notepad back to the kitchen, as he went somewhere else. "Some noodles will help you feel better". Rocko said, setting aside his menu. They drank some tea, warming up. "Ed said they're laying Del out on Thursday, and burying him on Friday". Bev said. "We'll go to the funeral, and get some lunch while we're out". Emily sat, sniffling. "My family died". Emily said, feeling the pains come up, rise. "I understand, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "Do you feel sad?". "Yes". Emily said. "Mmm, well, you've had so many things happen to you". Bev said, softly. "You've seen death, you've been abused". "Why?". Emily asked. "Well, life's been difficult to you, but, you've been so strong, such a good person despite what happened". Bev said, gently. "Daddy and I are so proud of you". "I know". Emily said. "Sweetie, it's true". Bev said, in a soft, yet deep voice. "You've been through a lot". "I know it's been upsetting, but, you've done so well".
Emily turned her head. "I try". She said. "We'll figure it out, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "I know it's a big change, but, we'll get through it". Emily looked up at Bev. "mommy, you have a baby". Emily said. "Yes". Bev said, gently. "You'll have a sibling soon". "Why do you and daddy have a baby?". Emily asked. "Mmm, we love each other very much". Bev said, gently. "When we love each other, things happen, and we conceive". "Oh". Emily said. "Not to worry, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "We'll make things work out for the best". "It'll be a change, but we'll get through it, as a family". "Are you excited to have a younger sibling?". "Yes". Emily said. "I sleep with the baby". "Baby's in your belly". "He is in there". Bev said, gently. "He has to grow". "It'll be a pretty big change". Bev stretched out a bit. "Mmm, it'll be nice doing it all over again". "I haven't done it in a while since you came along". "Yeah". Emily said. "We got you when you turned 9". Bev said, gently. "But, you were a blessing". "You never gave us any trouble". "I was good?". Emily asked. "You were good". Bev said, gently. "You would always pick up after yourself, you would help us with things, you would sleep all night". "You were lovely".
Emily drank some more of her tea. "Daddy, and you love each other". Emily said. "We do". Bev said, gently. The waiter came back, setting down a bowl of Egg drop soup for Emily. "It's your favorite". Bev said, helping Emily with her soup. "It looks very delicious". Emily sat, tasting her egg drop soup. She blew on it first, to make sure it wasn't hot. She then began eating. "Are you ok, sweetie?". Bev asked, gently. "Do you need help?". "No". Emily said. She ate her soup. While Emily ate her soup, Bev and Rocko talked.
"You've heard, didn't you?". Bev said, having a sip of tea. "It wouldn't be ours, would it?". Rocko asked. "I wouldn't think so". Bev said. "Ed, and I have been doing well". "They wouldn't know about us, right?". Rocko asked. "They wouldn't". Bev said. They talked about old times, as Emily finished her soup.
She had learned to feed herself very well. When she was finished, she sat, trying to listen to Rocko and Bev's conversation. She didn't understand any of it. She tried to say something, although they would ignore her. At some point, they sat, holding hands. Why were they holding hands? Why were they doing that? It was something Emily didn't understand. Instead, she just waited for her noodles to come. She felt dejected, and somewhat fearful, anxious as she sat. A massive depression came over her, as she felt a sadness arise in her heart. Emily didn't understand this sadness. She didn't understand this dark feeling consuming her. Emily sat, sniffling. She felt tired, exhausted at this point as well. She felt emotionally drained. She felt as if she wanted to just lay down and sleep. She had enough.
Emily felt fidgety, and agitated as well. It was as if she couldn't sit still. She sniffled again, feeling a cry come on. The noodles finally came, as the Baboon waiter came with everyone's meals. He set Emily's plate down, as Emily looked at it. "Yellow". She said, identifying the color of the noodles. "That looks delicious, sweetheart". Rocko said, gently. "Those are Singapore style". "My noodles are yellow". Emily said. "Yum, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "Those are your favorite". "There's veggies in there". Emily said. "There are, I'm sure they're delicious". Bev said, kindly. They ate their meals, Emily feeling a bit relieved after eating her noodles. The spice she liked, the flavor, they were good noodles.
After a while, Emily felt full. She ate some, then wanted to take some home. "Mommy, I'm full". Emily said. "You did a marvelous job, sweetie". Bev said, gently. "You ate your vegetables, you had the pork that was in there". "You did so well". Emily drank her almond milk that was brought to the table. Bev and Rocko continued talking. It was late, now. Emily's eyes began to fall. Rocko, and Bev asked for the check to be delivered, as they wrapped up. Their plates were finished. Emily sat, trying to stay awake. She tried to keep her eyes open, as the fortune cookies came. Eventually, it was time to go back to the resort. Emily tried staying awake, as she walked to the car. Though she hobbled, and weaved with each step. "Sweetie, are you ok?". Bev asked, gently. "I am fine". Emily said, sniffling. Emily felt anxious for some reason.
It was as if she wanted to fall asleep, but she couldn't. She couldn't find joy in anything she did. Emily sat in her seat, feeling her palms get sweaty. It was a short drive to the resort. The rain fell thick. Not saying anything, Emily got out, staying there in the parking lot, as Rocko and Bev chatted. "That was perfect". Bev said in a suggestive register. "I'm happy you enjoyed it". Rocko said in that same register. "I always provide". "You do". Bev whispered. "I'm so lucky to have you". They leaned in closer, closer, as they kissed. They lingered for some time, but then soon, let go. Rocko then went to his car, getting in. "Are you leaving?". Emily asked.
"I am, sweetie". Rocko said, kindly. "I'll see you soon". "I love you". "I love you too". Emily said, even if it did sound quiet, and forced. Rocko kissed Emily's forehead, as he got in his car, turning it on. Emily held her Tigger Toy close to her, feeling a cry come on. It was a sadness, a big cry that came. Emily just swallowed her tears, and looked on. "I am ok". She said. She went upstairs with Bev. Bev unlocked the door, as they went in.
"I didn't realize we were out that late". Bev said, gently. Emily went to sit on the couch, holding her Tigger toy close to her. For some odd reason, she felt exhausted. She curled up, into a circle on the couch, watching the bright glow of the T.V. "Inside Edition" was on, although most of it Emily didn't know, or didn't hear. Soon, it was just background noise, as it drained further, and further out. Further, and further out it drained as Emily felt herself drifting further, and further into sleep.
Emily opened her eyes to see some darkness. There was nothing around, the T.V. was off, and there was a distinct hit of complete darkness. Emily felt her head throb, hurt from waking up. She still felt exhausted, although she was riddled with anxiety. Emily got off the couch, looking for Bev. She sat up. At least she still had her Tigger toy with her. "Mommy". Emily said, looking around. She sat, with her fingers in her mouth. She looked at the clock, it read 11:59pm. Emily felt a wave of anxiety hit. It was as if something massive was coming, going to tower over her, and destroy her. It was as if something bad was going to happen. Emily rocked back and forth for stimulation.
"Mommy". She said, this time, alarmed. She tensed up, curling over, still rocking to self soothe. She calmed herself, breathing heavily, as she broke her position, too frozen to move, and looked outside at the porch. Bev laid out on the lounger. The glow of her cigarette was seen. Bev was completely naked. Emily stood up, taking her Tigger toy with her, as she opened the door to go outside. She saw Bev smoking. Bev's thick, cherry red lips glowed in the darkness. "Mommy". Emily said, sitting on one of the chairs outside. "Hello, love". Bev said in a deep, raspy voice. It was in a gentle tone. "Were you tired?". "You fell asleep very early". Bev blew out some smoke. Emily looked up at Bev. "I don't know". Emily said. "I know, it's been a very hard evening". Bev said, gently. She used nonverbal gestures to soothe Emily. "Are you ok, love?". "Yes". Emily said. "I can do it by myself".
"Hmm". Bev said, smoking her cigarette. "Sweetie, you've been through some very rough turmoil". "For a long time, you've had to rely on yourself". "No one was there to comfort you". Bev blew out some smoke. "That's why I do it by myself?". Emily asked. "Yes". Bev said, gently. "I know it's been difficult these past couple of years, but, daddy and I are here for you now". "You'll always have us to help you". Emily held her Tigger toy close. "Are you and daddy gonna die?". Emily asked, sniffling. "Sweetie, nothing will happen to daddy and I". Bev said, soothingly. "We are safe, we are a happy family, we'll always be there to protect you". "You are our greatest treasure".
"I am so fortunate each, and every day to have you, as part of our family". "I understand it may seem much more different than it used to be". "Why?". Emily asked. "Well, you were adopted into a different family with different values, and traditions". Bev said, gently. Emily responded to Bev's deep voice. "Mommy, why are we different?". Emily asked. "Well, we have a different set of rules, we have different opinions on things, we have a different handle on things than your other adoptive parents". Bev said, kindly. "There are some things you had to get used to, some new routines you had to follow". "But, you did very well". "You are perfect for our family". "Ok". Emily said. The sadness still crept up inside Emily.
Emily felt this new brand of depression, this deep feeling of fear almost eating her up inside. "I understand things will be a bit new with the new arrival". Bev said, gently. "But, I think you'll be very accustomed". "Ok". Emily said. The night deepened, as Emily felt her eyes close. "We will change the world, together". Bev said, in a gentle register. Emily felt her eyes fall, as a bit of smoke billowed, and clouded up in her direction. She coughed. "Sorry, love". Bev said, gently. Bev curled her lips. "Mommy, are you my best friend?". Emily asked. "Of course". Bev said, gently. "You and I are invincible". "We'll always be besties". Emily hugged her Tigger Toy close to her. "You're my close love". Bev said, blowing out smoke. Emily tried keeping her eyes open, feeling the anxiety, and restlessness. Bev stretched out, digging her cigarette into the ashtray.
A bit of blood red, pink, the color of blood seeped into the sky. "I need to go to bed". Emily said, getting up. "Goodnight, baby". Bev said, gently. "I'll see you in the morning". "Love you". Emily came over for a kiss. Bev kissed Emily's cheek. It was a wet slobbery kiss. Emily then went back in, closing the sliding glass door behind her. She went over to the king size bed, complete with silver silk sheets. It was like her parents' bed. The sheets were silk, the fabric of scandal, and sex. Emily, exhausted, laid down, feeling the weight, the sadness over her, eating away at her, ripping and tearing her heart apart. Her heart felt like it was being torn apart. Emily laid down, laid down to sleep.