Part 2 – where you don't know until you kiss

In this universe, you don't find out who your soulmate is just by looking at them. No, it takes a lot more work than that. You've got to kiss them to find out.

Chapter Text

He was an idiot. He was in love with her but he took too long and lost her. And now she wanted nothing to do with him. It was hard. Going from being someone's best friend to avoiding them so that he didn't do something completely stupid and tell her that he was in love with her.

It would've been easier if he would've just slept with her from the beginning. If he would've just kissed her at Bailey's wedding while they were drunk and trashing strangers' hotel rooms. Because at least he would've known. He would've gotten it out of his system. Because that's how you find out if someone is your soulmate. After you kiss. They say there's this magical moment where both parties just know, and from then on its physically painful to be apart. You're connected on every level. Every atom in your body is now attuned to the one you were designed for.

He's kissed many women—too many women, depending on who you ask. He's never felt that before. Not with Rebecca, not with Lucy, or Lexie, or even Izzie—who he had married for God's sake. The fact of the matter was, that finding your soulmate was so rare, that you could kiss and sleep with dozens of people just like he did, and still find yourself utterly alone. He didn't know many people that were with their soulmates. Just a few lucky couples that, were made for each other in every sense of the word. Meredith and Derek. Bailey and Ben. Mark and Lexie. Callie and Arizona.

It didn't mean that these couples were perfect. They experienced pain and loss and heartbreak just like everyone else. But something was different about them. At the end of the day, no matter how much they tried to stay apart, the universe kept pulling them back together. It was different from a life mate. A life mate, you can walk away from. He did it. He divorced Izzie and was able to walk away a better man than before. It hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. He didn't feel this need to seek her out. Soulmates on the other hand, try and try to stay away from each other but keep coming back. No matter how bad that person may have hurt you, you forgive them. Because even a messy life with your soulmate is better than a life without them at all.

So, he wished he would have kissed her from the beginning, because then he would know. Then he could get over her. A small part of him hoped that maybe she'd be it. She was the first person who understood him and cared for him without wanting to change anything. Sure, he had Mer and Cristina, but that was different. They had been through hell and back together. There were moments where they hated each other. Jo was different. He knew from the minute he sat down with her at the bar and she taught him how to fake cry that she would be special. Maybe she'd be the one. Maybe she would be his match.

But another part of him, the larger part, hoped she wasn't. Not because he didn't want her or didn't love her. God knows he wanted her. He fell in love with his friend before he ever had a chance to complicate it or mess it up with something like a hook-up. That in itself was significant. Never in his life had he told a woman he loved her before he slept with her. Never in his life had he told a woman he loved her before they were even in a relationship. So the problem wasn't that he didn't want her. The problem was that he did. Him. The guy who screwed up every good thing in his life. The guy who screwed up every good person in his life. He didn't want that to happen to her. He didn't want to be the reason that she ended up more messed up than she already was. So as wonderful as it would be to be loved by her, he would resign himself to admiring from afar if that meant she got to live a happy life free of his baggage.

And he just pretty much ensured that he would be watching from afar. In retrospect, it really wasn't his place to speak to Peckwell about her past. But honestly, he thought that if you liked someone enough that you were moving in with them, you would trust them enough to tell them about your past. He messed up yet another important relationship by not being able to keep his mouth shut. She didn't want to talk to him or have him getting involved in her business so when he saw them arguing at the hospital on his way out with Jackson, he kept walking.

For the first time in a long time, he actually considered picking up some random chick at the bar. He hadn't noticed but it had been months since he had sex. The last time he hooked up with someone was sometime around four months ago, before Cahill decided to try to liquidate the hospital. That was also before he realized he actually had feelings for Jo. Come to think of it, he hadn't been with anyone since the day they took in the hit and run kid. The day that Jo surprised him in the storage closet with powdered sugar donuts and he started to fall for her. Things shifted that day. Sleeping around didn't seem as important as it did before. Sex for the sake of satisfaction wasn't as appealing anymore.

That was significant for him. Even when he was with someone he looked at other women. He'd cheated before. He wasn't proud of it, but he had done it. He had done it to Izzie with that nurse Olivia. He wasn't above that. He wasn't a moral guy. Sure, he could be exclusive, but it wasn't what he looked for. Hook ups were easier. Relationships were messy. So it kind of blew his mind that he hadn't slept with anyone since falling for Jo. The thought of sleeping with someone who wasn't her didn't even seem appealing anymore. All he could do was compare every woman he met to the woman who had become the center of his affections. And that sucked because as much as he wanted and loved her, she didn't want to speak to him because he was messing things up with her boyfriend.

He almost went through with a hook up at the bar. Talked a girl up for a minute and was about to ask her to come home with him when she mentioned that she was from Boston, and he decided the only girl he wanted that was from Boston was Jo. So, he finished his drinks with Jackson and decided to head home. The drive there was uneventful and quiet, a nice change from the usually busy roads that are characteristic of Seattle. He parked in his driveway and made his way up the porch to the front door when he saw a figure sitting on the swing.

He sighed, "Oh man, you're killing me. I'm trying to leave you alone. I'm trying to get out of your life, but you're everywhere. And now you show up here to tell me the same thing. Well, guess what..."

He stopped in his tracks when she lifted her head, exposing her bruised face. She looked at him with tears in her eyes, "Can I stay here? Please."

He could've sworn his heart stopped in that moment. It felt like someone punched him in the gut. Seeing Jo like this wasn't natural. Jo was strong. Jo was tough. Jo was nothing if not caring, and she didn't deserve to be treated as anything less than priceless. It took him a second to process her words, but once he did, he was operating on autopilot. He doesn't remember how he got her up from the porch and inside the house. He doesn't remember taking her up the stairs or having her sit down on the bed or going to get some ice for her face. All he could focus on was the fact that her douche bag boyfriend hit her.

It made his blood boil. He was angry that a guy would ever think it was okay to hit his girlfriend. He was angry that someone would ever lay a hand on Jo. Jo. This woman that he was completely in love with but too scared to tell because like he said before, he always screwed himself out of everything good. Someone hurt her. Peckwell hurt her. He wasn't going to stand for that. He tucked her into his bed and made his way down the stairs and out the door to confront Myers.

To say he wasn't expecting to find Peckwell in the condition he found him in was an understatement. The guy had been beaten half to death and was gonna have quite the recovery. Thankfully though, he wasn't going to press charges. Shepherd may not have liked the fact that Alex threatened him, but he didn't see anything wrong with what he had done. He felt good about it, because he was protecting Jo. He meant what he said to her when he got back to his house that night before the tree crashed into his living room. Peckwell might be dead if Jo hadn't gotten to him first.

Part of him cursed the tree in his living room, while the other one felt like he had been saved by the bell. As he stood in the NICU watching Jo teach parents how to bag their babies, he shook his head and tried to focus on his best friend's baby so that he wouldn't do something stupid, like say, "I love you."

Some hours passed and finally the NICU generators turned on. The babies were hooked back onto the ventilators and everyone took a sigh of relief, knowing that everything was going to be just fine. He did his rounds on the infants and proceeded to go check on some of his older patients as well. After some time of that, he decided to go look for Jo. He hadn't seen her in the last hour since the generators turned on. He found her staring out the window of one of the storage closets that still seemed to be lacking sufficient electricity. He walked up next to her and stood there in silence.

"This place looks so different in the dark," she exhaled, rubbing her hands together nervously.

"Yeah," he agreed. There was a short pause where he could feel the discomfort and awkwardness radiating from the two of them. "You think the tree ruined my couch?"

His question seemed to have the desired effect because Jo let out a laugh, "I think it ruined your entire living room."

"Listen, I have to tell you something."

"No, you don't."

"You don't even know what I'm gonna say," He retorted.

"I think I do and you shouldn't," she turned to face him, pleading with her eyes.

"Jo..."

"I'll mess it up, Alex," she shook her head, voice cracking slightly. "I mess everything good in my life up and we work as friends really well and... I don't want to mess that up."

"You won't mess anything up," he assured her. "Last night before the tree, you asked me a question. You wanted to hear me say the words, so I'm... saying them. Right now..."

She watched him open and close his mouth dumbly, no words coming out, "I don't hear anything."

"Shut up."

"Okay but..."

"I'm serious."

"Fine."

"I love you," he stated with such certainty that she would never be able to question the sentiment. Her face broke out into a smile and his heart began to pound heavily. He didn't hesitate in bringing her into his arms and finally kissing her.

He knew it instantly. In that moment, he knew exactly why every relationship he had ever been in never worked out. He knew exactly why he could never be his complete and authentic self with anyone else. He knew exactly why he couldn't get help but love this woman. He knew exactly why he couldn't get her out of his head. He knew exactly why he had to go through everything that he went through to reach this specific moment in his life.

Kissing Jo was like having a spiritual experience. And in a sense, it was. She was his soulmate, without a shadow of a doubt. She was the part of him that was missing all along. She was the one he had been waiting for all of his life. And now he had her, and she had him. That was everything.

Immersed in the moment and fueled by the small whimpers coming out of her, he deepened the kiss, hoping to express everything he was feeling. He's sure she felt it too, because she kissed him back with just as much fervor and desire. When they finally broke the kiss, he rested his forehead against hers, breathing heavily. Opening his eyes, he looked to see her staring back him with the most tender look on her face. He gave her the tiniest smile, which sent her into a fit of giggles.

Taking a deep breath she opened her mouth to speak, "Woah."

He chuckled and kissed her cheek softly, "Yeah."

Her hands cupped his face and she rubbed her nose against his, "I can't believe it's you. I never thought I'd meet you. I thought I was too messed up."

"If you think you're too messed up, you obviously haven't been paying attention to my life," he pointed out.

She rolled her eyes at him, "Oh shush. I'm serious... I wanted it to be you, but I was scared. I was scared that I'd be wrong and that I'd be left alone, all over again."

"Me too," Alex admitted. "I was scared to try this and not be enough."

"You're more than enough, Alex. You're everything."

So this is what it was like to be with the right person. The irony dawned on him as his caressed her face and leaned in to kiss her again. His ex-wife had once told him that he wasn't good enough and left him even when he had poured his heart and soul into being the person she wanted him to be. But Jo, oh Jo... she loved him for exactly who he was. For all the mess and crazy. For all the faults and less than stellar parts of his personality. And she never once made him feel like he couldn't accomplish whatever he set his mind to. This is what it was like to have a partner in every sense of the word.

He'd be content to stay there forever, but the moment was cut short when his pager went off, signifying that one of his post-op kids needed attention. They broke apart and he let out a small groan, "I'm sorry. Mikey Nelson's got some complications. I've got to go."

"It's okay, I should probably get back to the NICU and help Dr. Robbins prepare the nurses and doctors coming in for this shift," she gave him a quick peck as straightened her scrubs. "But that shouldn't take long so... meet me in an on-call room in an hour?"

His face broke out into a large smirk, "Oh... I'll be there."

God he really loved this woman.