(Not Today)
Namjoon collapsed on the floor, vision blurred and head hurting. Aside from the others, of course. He couldn't let them see him like this. He felt on the verge of a blackout and not for the first time that week. He used to be stronger than this, he was sure. Stuff like this didn't use to leave him dizzy and sick.
He felt tears slide down his cheeks as he sat with his back to the cool wall of the bathroom. Pain flared behind his eyes and the room lurched again. Namjoon very nearly screamed aloud but bit his lip hard to stop the sound escaping. He was so out of breath and everything hurt. He didn't want to show that anything was wrong so he settled for just hiding in the bathroom until his body decided to stop hating him. It was taking longer than usual this time and he knew someone would come looking for him soon.
So he tried to stand up. Mistake. The world was spinning and his legs didn't have the strength to support him. But he had to stand up and go back to practice. Everyone else seemed to be dealing with this perfectly fine and Namjoon tried hard to convince himself that he was, too. He leaned back on the wall, trying to stay upright, but his body refused. He couldn't help but fall to the floor as his breathing became shallow and his arms hit the ground in an attempt to stop him from breaking his ribs. Mistake. His hands landed on the floor hard and were too weak to do anything to protect him.
Namjoon just curled up on the floor and tried to stop the blackness overwhelming his vision. Harder than it sounded. He had to fight for his consciousness, scolding himself for his weakness. His heartbeat thudded in his ears, worsening his headache. He felt so sick and dizzy and he didn't want to fight anymore. Namjoon gave up on trying to control himself. His tears fell freely and his body started to shake. But he stayed awake. Why? He wanted to slip away, just for a minute. Or a year. He didn't really care. He just wanted to escape the pain.
"Hey, get your own breakdown place, this one's taken." Light returned to the world and Namjoon's head cleared, if only slightly. He managed to angle his head so he could see who had spoken. He saw Jimin kneeling beside him, holding a bottle of water that looked so tempting. Namjoon's headache subsided slightly but still, no words could form. He lifted a hand to try and take the water but Jimin moved it out of the way. "Sit up for me, then you can have some, okay?"
One of Jimin's hands slipped around his shoulders and helped him sit vaguely upright. Namjoon forced his muscles to work and, surprisingly, they complied. He sat against the wall again, still just as fatigued, and saw Jimin smile faintly. A little bit of his strength returned. Jimin moved closer and held the bottle to Namjoon's lips. He drank gratefully, letting the cool water soothe his boiling blood and calm his rebellious stomach. A bolt of pain shot through his head and Namjoon groaned aloud
"Whoa, Namjoon can you talk? Speak to me," Jimin implored, concern etched into his face and words. Namjoon blinked a fresh wave of tears out of his eyes and barely whispered,
"Jimin… I-I… i-it hurts, please, I can't do this." He prayed that Jimin understood since that took the utmost of his effort. Jimin looked at him sadly and rubbed his arm slowly.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Jimin asked quietly. He sounded hurt; not quite betrayed, but disappointed. Namjoon instantly felt guilty.
"D-didn't think it was that b-bad…" Jimin blinked at him.
"Namjoon, you've been gone nearly an hour. We called off the rest of the practice. Before I found you, you were almost on the verge of a complete breakdown." Namjoon shook his head in protest. He hadn't been gone for an hour, had he? "Let me guess, feeling like you wanted to pass out; like the world was spinning and moving way too much; like you couldn't move or speak; like you just couldn't stop crying or shaking; distorted sense of time and reality so you can't tell if you're dreaming. How close did I get?"
Namjoon froze because Jimin had been 100% correct. Every detail. Maybe he was right. Namjoon didn't know what to do if he was weak because he was always the strength giver to the others. He kept quiet because he didn't want the others to have to worry about him. Because he didn't want to worry about himself. Mistake. He was a time bomb waiting to see when everything would finally become too much. And now it was and he couldn't deal. He didn't ever want to go back. He wanted to stay with Jimin taking care of him forever.
"You need to trust us with this. We are always here to help you, just like you were for us. So what changed? Why now? What happened to make your entire body want to just give up?" Namjoon didn't particularly want to tell Jimin, but his voice was like a siren song and drew the words out anyway.
"I-I can't do this…it's t-too hard and I can't…" Tears involuntarily continued to fall but Jimin wiped them away carefully.
"When was that ever a reason to give up? Life is always going to push us to the point where it's too hard because it can. Life hates us. But all we can do is fight back. The least we can do is prove it wrong and say 'fuck you, I'm gonna keep going.' It would be so much easier to give up and let life win, I know. But we keep fighting. One day at a time. Some people are pushed too far and don't… don't make it. But not you. You have to keep going. For us. For you. You have to stay strong. Maybe in the future, you might get pushed too far but today, you are going to keep fighting. Because you are Kim fucking Namjoon. And I'll be damned if you give in now."
Namjoon heard Jimin's voice crack and silently begged him not to cry for him. Something shifted inside Namjoon and he found the strength that he didn't know he had before. He felt less dizzy and more like he could stand up. He didn't feel as sick or as tired and he wondered if Jimin was magic. Jimin smiled a slightly impish grin and added,
"I never thought I'd get to say that to you. But you know it now. Give up and I give up with you." Namjoon didn't quite believe that he had a friend as amazing as Jimin. He was so perfectly impossible. Slowly, he leaned closer to Jimin and whispered in his ear,
"I'll stay strong for you." He could swear he felt Jimin shiver. A hand clasped his and he heard Jimin whisper back,
"You'd better."
Jimin helped him stand up and they walked slowly back to their dorm. Jimin did not stop asking Namjoon if he was okay. It was nice. No one really asked him if he was okay anymore. A lot of people asked him if Taehyung was okay because let's face it, the kid's a fucking lunatic. But no one really checked up on him all that often. Except for Jimin. It felt nice to be cared for. It felt nice to feel loved.
After that, any time Namjoon looked exhausted or upset or annoyed, Jimin would be the one to comfort him and be by his side. The others were there as well but Jimin always got there first. He seemed so genuinely concerned for his wellbeing and it sometimes made him want to cry.
About a week later, Namjoon had had a tough day. The maknae line were running around everywhere, which obviously sparked Sope to join in because it was just one of those days. Seokjin was somewhere else, so Namjoon had to look after everyone. Which would have been fine had they not been in public.
So Namjoon was tired. He lay down on his bed, migraine resurfacing, and praying that they wouldn't play any more games. He heard the door open quietly and groaned, waiting to be jumped on by one of his dongsaengs. But instead, Jimin asked,
"Sorry, hyung. Are you okay? We'll be quieter if you want to sleep." Namjoon rolled over and smiled at him, letting him sit on the bed. "Wow, your bed is so much comfier than mine!"
"I rarely jump on mine," chuckled Namjoon. Jimin lay down next to him, testing the mattress.
"I don't want to get up now." Namjoon wrapped an arm around Jimin's waist, just wanting to sleep after the long day behind him.
"Then don't." Jimin shrugged and snuggled up close to Namjoon. The next day, they would be confronted by mugshots from the others and wild ship theories from their fans. But for now, they were warm and comfortable and safe together. Namjoon had never fallen asleep quicker.