(Love Myself)

"Yoongi-hyung, I love you!" Taehyung joked in one of their videos. Oh, wait, it wasn't one of their videos. It was loads of them. Yoongi had been browsing YouTube, looking at the weird crack videos people posted of them. He found it a little creepy how there were so many videos of them sleeping, or analyses of their dating lives, but Yoongi guessed it was their fault for uploading stuff like that in the first place.

After watching Seokjin and Jungkook spell 'STOP IT' for the fifth time, he saw something in the suggested videos that made him curious. It was called 'taehyung and yoongi making each other flustered'. Hoping to God that he didn't get flustered around that boy enough to fill a full 9-minute compilation video, he clicked on it.

He watched it again. Then one more time. Then three more times. He thanked the stars that he was already in his room so he could pull the blankets up around him and cry without anyone hearing him. He didn't know why he was crying. Maybe a mixture of how sweet Taehyung was all the time to him. Maybe how often Taehyung told Yoongi he loved him. Maybe how Yoongi never said it back. Maybe how he was a total tsundere except without the warmth. Just the tsun part.

So Yoongi was crying. He hated himself for this. He was crying with remorse for every bad thing he had ever done to the nicest boy on the planet. Sure, Yoongi had written him a long text, but he had tried to stop Taehyung ever mentioning it again. Sure, Yoongi told Taehyung he loved him eventually, but always after threats and harsh prompts from everyone else. He was a horrible person.

This realisation, coupled with the memory that Taehyung loved him anyway, was enough to force another sob to rip through him, louder this time. He buried himself under duvets and comforters (doing a very bad job of comforting him) and blankets and curled up in the darkness, regretting his existence. Everything would be so much better, so much easier if he wasn't there. No one would notice if he stayed here. Taehyung would have other people who actually told him their feelings and let him express his own. No one would have to deal with Yoongi and they'd forget about him quickly enough.

The covers were thrown off him and Yoongi recoiled at the lack of darkness and warmth that comforted him. He curled up further, really trying to make himself disappear.

"Jesus, Yoongi, what happened? Can you look up for me?" Jimin's voice pierced through Yoongi's walls and he looked up. His face was streaked with tears and he was still crying, but he didn't care. He understood why Jimin hadn't asked if he was okay: because he so clearly was not. Jimin sat beside him and Yoongi tried his best to push him away. He didn't deserve help or comfort or Jimin or Taehyung. He deserved nothing but pain. "Hyung, please sit up for me?" Yoongi shook his head and buried his face in his arms again.

"N-no. Go aw-way," he wept, almost inaudibly. He felt Jimin reach over him and take something and he didn't object. Jimin could take whatever he wanted from him. Because Jimin was nice.

"Yoongi, why have you been watching Taegi compilation videos?" Yoongi reached out his hand, silently demanding his phone back. When all he felt was Jimin's hand in his, he retracted his arm and tucked it safely back next to him. He felt the bed rise slightly as Jimin got up and left. Yoongi thanked him, knowing full well he was too late, as with everything. Far too little, an eternity too late. He shut his eyes and pulled the blankets around him again, hating himself for indulging in warmth that he would never own or deserve.

His door opened again and he was about to remind himself that he didn't have the power to yell at anyone and it would only reinforce the cold and unloving demeanour that everyone knew he possessed.

"Yoongi? Jimin told me you needed me. What's wrong?" At the sound of Taehyung's voice, Yoongi melted into sobs even further. A fresh wave of tears drowned his eyes and further dampened his tear-stained face. He could taste salt and he didn't care. That was all he had earned with his lifetime of holding back his emotions for the sake of keeping up appearances. He felt fingers lightly comb through his hair and tried to push them away.

"S-stop…please, I c-can't…" he sobbed.

"I haven't seen you like this in a while. What happened, Yoongi? What did I do?" The concern and presumed self-reproach in Taehyung's voice made Yoongi's body shake, racked with cries of guilt and remorse.

"N-nothing. J-just go, pl-please." Yoongi was surprised when, unlike Jimin, Taehyung stayed. He got up, but only turned off the top light and sat down on Yoongi's bed. Taehyung pulled the covers up further over Yoongi and slid underneath them himself. Yoongi knew he did not deserve this. He didn't want this kind of affection because he had not earned it. All he had earned was loneliness.

With hopeless prayers that he could somehow make things right, that he could undo some of the reputations he had built for himself, he started to repeat under his breath,

"I'm sorry, Tae, I love you, I love you so much, I'm so sorry, I love you, I really love you, I love you, Tae, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, I love you, Tae, I love you so much…" again and again and again, planning to never cease his mantra until he could show Taehyung even half of the love he had received from him. He felt arms wrap around him and he relaxed his body slightly, not giving up his chant

"Yoongi, I love you too," Taehyung interrupted, leaving Yoongi to stutter. "Please tell me what's going on? I don't like you being like this." Yoongi felt more sadness rise.

"B-but I'm b-being truthful. I know I'm t-too late but p-please, Tae, let me t-try. I love you so much," he whispered brokenly.

"What do you mean you're too late?" Taehyung asked and Yoongi turned so they were facing each other.

"You think I don't love you. Everyone thinks I don't love you. You love me so much and I can't match you and I don't think you should love me anymore. I don't deserve you. I don't want your love because I'm so far behind and I'll never be able to show you how much I love you because I don't have enough time. You shouldn't love me. I'm not worth it, don't you remember? I'm just a selfish, emotionally meaningless idiot." Yoongi buried his face into the sheets and Taehyung hugged him tightly.

"Of course I know how much you love me. Every time you look at me, you give me the silent support I wish everyone else had in their eyes. I don't care that you don't tell me you love me because I know it already. I don't need to hear it from you because your care and your encouragement are there all the time regardless of whether you say it or not. You aren't selfish because you don't tell people how you feel. You don't have to make anything up to me because you know I love you too. Whether you think you deserve it or not, I love you."

Yoongi sniffled into the bed and curled up. Because he had realised something. When Taehyung said 'I love you,' he meant what anyone would mean: I love you as a friend and a brother. When Yoongi said it, he meant so much more. He meant as a lover, a soulmate, something more than a friend. And it had taken him this long to realise it. And, once again, he hated himself for it.

"Y-you don't understand…" he whimpered and Taehyung stroked his cheek gently.

"What, what is it?" he whispered softly, his voice sending shivers down Yoongi's spine. He looked up at Taehyung, whose deep brown eyes were filled with worry and unconditional care. Yoongi couldn't help it. He pushed forward and kissed Taehyung so gently, so carefully. He wanted to prove... something. He couldn't quite remember. Everything left his head when his lips connected with Taehyung's, like his mind was too overwhelmed with him to focus on anything else.

Taehyung pulled back and Yoongi looked down. That was a mistake, he shouldn't have confessed, he shouldn't have kissed him, he had ruined everything again. But Taehyung just lifted Yoongi's chin gently and smiled,

"Sweetheart, before this goes any further, I need to hear you say something." Yoongi just nodded. "Tell me that you're worth it. Tell me you deserve this and truly believe what you're saying because no truer words have ever left those beautiful lips of yours." Yoongi blinked away tears, held by Taehyung's voice. If Taehyung said he deserved this, he couldn't be wrong; Taehyung was always right and caring and good. He wouldn't lie.

"I-I'm worth it. I'm good, I deserve this. I deserve you. I can have you because I am not a bad person and I have done good things in my life. I am worth love and I am worth you. I love you," he said quietly. Taehyung smiled again, a beautiful smile.

"That's better. Now come on, it's 7 am and Seokjin-hyung made breakfast." Taehyung kissed him again and pulled back the covers. Yoongi frowned,

"It's 7 am?" There was no way he had spent all night awake and crying. Taehyung helped him up out of bed; he had been curled up for so long that he had a cramp in his leg.

"Yeah. You woke Jimin up at about half-past, I'm gonna say," Taehyung replied, "And then he came and got me at around twenty to and now here we are. Time flies when you're contemplating your reality, doesn't it?" Yoongi smiled and Taehyung grinned. "Nice to see your smile back. Let's go, hyung. We'll talk properly later." Taehyung kissed him again, softly and opened the door for him.

Yoongi stepped out and felt like he saw the world anew. He thanked everyone for everything until they told him to stop because it was weird. Yoongi didn't mind it; he knew they loved him and he knew they knew he loved them back. And that was all that mattered.

That video is real btw. Go look it up if you've got nine minutes free.

Thank you and love yourself