Road to Redemption

Chapter One

A/N: I don't have a military background so bear with me on this one. I don't for one minute believe this could or would happen in the Army and is pure fiction. Should you like the character of Georgie Lane this is not the story for you as I chose to make her a bit of a baddie in this one.

Charles

Charles didn't understand how he had got into this mess. Ever since Belize he had had feelings for Georgie. He felt that he needed to protect her. In fact, ever since he had dragged Geraint back to safety he had been starting to get this need to protect those under his command and those he cared about. What he couldn't understand was how Molly felt that he wasn't protecting her too.

He knew their marriage was struggling, his constant need to be on tour with 2 section and Georgie since Elvis had died. He felt he had to constantly prove himself that he could still command his soldiers and make the right decisions. Unfortunately, Molly didn't and it had caused many heated arguments. She was insistent that he had PTSD but as far as he was concerned he didn't, it was her imagination.

When he had got back from Belize she was waiting for him at the hospital. Her eyes red and puffy from crying. She pleaded with him to take a desk job, to stop going on tour and get help for his PTSD. He told her that he needed to look after Georgie, stop her going off piste and look out for her, that's what Elvis would have wanted him to do. She asked if he wanted to stay married to her, did he want to be with Georgie instead. He shouted at her to get a grip, pull herself together and stop being so bloody ridiculous, then watched as he saw her eyes fill with tears again.

He couldn't look at her and how unhappy he had made her, so told her not to visit him anymore if she couldn't accept that he needed to be on active service with 2 section to keep them safe and correct his past mistakes.

"I'm going to be in rehab for several months, I won't be going on tour for a long time if ever after this anyway"

"That's not what I asked" Molly sighed "Somethings changed and I'm not sure you want to be married to me anymore"

He closed his eyes as he remembered the conversation clearly as if it was only yesterday and not a year ago. He'd shouted at her again, that he was sick of her insecurities wrecking their relationship and she should have more faith in him. That she needed to stop trying to fix him, he didn't need fixing. If she wanted someone to fix go and find someone or better still go fix herself.

-OG-

Now here he was again at the QE Hospital in Birmingham with a back and leg injury after he and 2 section jumped from a cliff in Bangladesh to escape from overwhelming odds of drug runners, who appeared to be better armed than the British Army.

He knew that Molly wouldn't be here this time. She had phoned him on tour saying it might be better to put their marriage out of its misery and he had agreed. They had limped along while he was in rehab, him mainly trying to contact Georgie to see how she was, and Molly getting quieter and quieter until she went on an unexpected exercise for a few weeks.

After the bomb blast in Bangladesh, his fear for Georgie's safety and a discussion about how quickly life can change, she had come to his room; kissed him while he hugged her in comfort. He wasn't entirely sure how it happened but they had ended up in bed together, he had just felt so alone and confused, but a very dangerous thing to have done while on tour and could have wrecked both their careers. If he had doubts about his marriage being over he knew if Molly found out about this then she would find it hard to forgive him, he couldn't forgive himself so why should she.

After a week in hospital, all of 2 section including himself were given a clean bill of health albeit there were a few broken ribs, arms and legs they were all fit enough to go home for recuperation. Georgie asked him if she could come back to Aldershot with him, they probably needed to talk sort out what they were going to do. He knew that Molly would be long gone by now and nodded in agreement. It was probably best if she wasn't in barracks with Molly.

As soon as Charles opened the front door, he could feel the cold from the empty house and went straight to put the heating on. While furniture, cushions and pictures were all where they had been when he left for Bangladesh he could see that her personal possessions such as shoes and coats were missing from the hall.

Georgie and Charles had a take-away as they were both tired from the long day and after a look in the fridge and cupboards could see there was nothing there apart from his coffee pods and a few bottles of beer. Charles suggested an early night as he had to see the Brigadier first thing in the morning to discuss his after action report.

"Do you think anyone knows about us Charlie" asked Georgie

"No, something would have been said by now if they did" he shook his head and feeling uncomfortable.

"Do you mind if I sleep in the spare room Charlie, not sure I feel comfortable being in yours and Molly's room" he nodded too tired to even think about it and not entirely sure how he felt about it anyway. It just felt like all this was happening to someone else, he was just there watching and it was all happening around him.

"We'll talk when I get back from seeing the Brig"

When he got upstairs he showed Georgie to the spare room and then went to what was their room the first thing he noticed was the door was shut, Molly was never one for shutting doors unless Sam was staying, not that he had stayed with them for some time. It occurred to him that he needed to get in touch with Rebecca, let her know he was back and make arrangement for seeing Sam. He opened the door and the first thing he spotted were the chest of drawers with 4 big boxes piled next to them. Maybe she hadn't gone after all, he'd been gone a couple of months so perhaps she was on exercise again, but on checking the wardrobes and drawers and en-suite bathroom all evidence of Molly had gone. She was obviously going to come back to collect these and he could talk with her about all this when he saw her.

Before going to sleep he thought he had better ring his parents and let them know he was home, he was a bit surprised they hadn't visited him in hospital but it was a long way for them and they would have been told he was OK. It wasn't like before when he was at deaths door.

"Hello Mum"

"Charles, you're back then. How are you feeling?"

"Legs a bit stiff, lots of bruising and will need some physio but nothing broken this time" he snorted a small laugh "You didn't visit, how did you know I was OK, did the hospital phone you?"

"Molly told us"

He sat bolt upright all signs of fatigue gone "She was there?"

"Not for long Charles" sighed his mother, Sylvia "You were asleep and she spoke with the doctors"

"Why didn't she stay has she gone back on exercise?"

"She stayed long enough to find out what you did" barely containing her disappointment in her son "and no she is not on exercise"

"Where is she then, because she's not here?"

"Charles, you didn't seem to want to save your marriage, Molly knew that, she asked if you wanted to put it out of its misery, you agreed" she sighed "You didn't expect her to be there if you came back with Georgie, did you?"

"What about Georgie" taking a sharp intake of breath and holding it, closing his eyes at what was about to come

"Seems someone saw her go to your room and not come out until morning."

"Oh God"

"Oh God indeed" starting to get increasingly angry with her son "She knew you had feelings for her friend, saw some of the texts you had been sending her, but she hoped it would pass, that her friend wouldn't act on it, that you wouldn't act on it" she sniffed trying to hold her tears "But at the first opportunity you went off on tour to be with her and neither of you had a single thought about Molly."

"I'm sorry Mum"

"I just hope that we get to see her from time to time and that she doesn't cut us or Sam off because of you and her" blowing her nose as her tears increased "She's changed regiments so that your paths won't cross, she doesn't want to see either of you."

"She'll have to come and see me there will be things to sort out"

"Don't bank on it son" she sighed "It's getting late and I don't want to talk about this anymore…. we'll speak soon… Goodnight Charles" and hung up the phone.

-OG-

Charles had a very restless night's sleep mulling over what his mother had told him. He was devastated that Molly had found out about him and Georgie and he hadn't had the opportunity to tell her himself, although he doubted she would be any more forgiving if he had told her. Even in the darkest days of his first marriage he had never been unfaithful to Rebecca. He felt sick with worry about where she was and if she was OK. He had been pretty relentless in his pursuit of Georgie but now that his marriage had ended he wasn't entirely sure that was what he wanted or why he even thought it was what he wanted. Just that he was doing what he thought his mate wanted.

He showered, dressed and went downstairs, thought he would go out and collect some milk and bread, try and get his stiff leg moving. When he returned there was still no sign of Georgie so he set up his Nespresso machine and made some toast. The house was silent but then it was still early and Georgie was probably still asleep. He spotted a text from the Brigadier changing his appointment from this morning to after lunch at 2pm. That would at least give him and Georgie time to talk about what they wanted, where they went from here. They had promised to be honest with each other, to remember that neither of them was Molly nor Elvis. Perhaps Molly had been right and he wanted the best of both worlds, being on tour with Georgie to look after her but also knowing that Molly was at home. All he knew was he felt confused, not sure what he wanted now that he had it but if he was honest with himself, he was pretty sure it wasn't this and he wasn't sure if Georgie knew either.

He hadn't realised he had been staring into space for so long when he looked at his watch and saw that it was 9am. He'd heard a noise at the front door and looked up to see Nan and a huge man walking through the doorway of the kitchen. He was about 6 foot, bald and obviously worked out as his shoulders seemed to come up to his neck and his arms so muscular that he couldn't fold them but had his hands resting on the opposite arm. There was a bit of him that wanted to laugh as he thought of Buster Bloodvessel when he saw him.

"Well, Well, Well if it isn't Charlie Boy" stated Nan with a very sour expression on her face. At that very moment Georgie walked down the stairs and came into the kitchen "Moved your tart in already have you, bit quick even for you Charlie" continued Nan turning to face Georgie.

"Don't worry love" she cackled "Molly made me promise if you was here not to roll you up in a carpet and make you disappear" she now turned to the big man.

"This is Jack and behind him is Harry" and for the first time Georgie and Charles noticed a much smaller man but equally as powerful looking "Jack, Harry our Molls said her stuff was in the main bedroom at the top of the stairs and take the chest of drawers as well" Jack nodded and the two men left to go upstairs, where they could hear them moving the drawers to bring them down.

Georgie was looking very worried and kept sneaking looks at Charles, not sure who these people were and what was happening.

"Where is Molly? Charles asked

"None of your business Charlie boy, and while we are at it I promised I wouldn't do nothing to you neither."

"I'm still her husband and I would like to know."

"You gave them rights up when you shagged the slapper over there" pointing at Georgie

"Oi" started Georgie looking affronted "Their marriage was over she rang him and told him so, they had ended it"

Nan walked up to Georgie and into her space "Was it, did you ask her before you dropped your knickers?" and Georgie shook her head "Didn't think so" turning to move away a bit she continued "not surprising though seeing as you have form for this sort of thing, no sense of loyalty whatsoever"

"I do have loyalty and what do you mean form for this sort of thing?"

"Weren't you engaged to Jamie when you spent the night with Elvis, not very loyal to Jamie was it and from what I've heard never was one to have a dry tour" Nan almost spat at her "Molly was your friend, and your wife Charlie" spinning round to look at him "the pair of you acted like a pair of alley cats, never even had the decency to tell her or wait until the divorce was even started."

Charles looked down at his coffee cup, Nan was never one to mince her words and he had always got on well with her in the past but he had never been made to feel so ashamed of his actions as she was making him feel right now. And everything she said was right!

Nan turned back to Georgie "what you hangin' about like a bad smell for, fuck off somewhere I need to talk with Charlie and it is none of your business!"

"Nan this is my house and Georgie can stay" Charles found his voice.

"Suit yourself" and Nan started delving into her handbag until she found an A4 brown envelope. At that moment Jack and Harry came back into the room to say that they had loaded the van with Molly's things and did she want them to wait in the van for her. She looked across at Charles who was also adopting his stern Captain stance hands under armpits and legs slightly apart and a frown on his face. "No lads wait here just in case."

Nan handed Charles the envelope which he took staring at it questioningly.

"Open it" said Nan and he saw instantly that it was from a solicitor "Yes Charlie boy divorce papers."

"But we haven't been separated for two years" he queried

"Don't need to if one of the parties has committed adultery" grinned Nan sardonically "and you 'ave with that!" she spat as she glared at Georgie.

Charles started to read the paperwork "Don't worry she don't want nothing from you and she won't name that slapper over there if you sign them today and get this over and done with" she sighed "Don't sign them and she'll get them redrawn naming her. Then you'll have both your careers down the shitter as well as the marriage and friendship"

"It's all happening too quickly" he whispered sadly but Nan heard him and walked closer to him "It's what you wanted isn't it?"

Charles shook his head "I thought I did but I don't know… I just feel so confused"

"Is she alright" he asked quietly "She is now, she had true friends that helped put her back together when you were chasing after her when you were in rehab. Thankfully there were people there for her to give her the support and kindness that she needed, like she gave to you."

"Who?"

"Not sure it's any of your business, but Jackie always kept an eye out for her after you told Molly you didn't want her traipsing up to Headley. Introduced her to a Captain who gave her some ideas on what she could do career wise if it went tits up with you. When he got sent to Bangladesh he got his mates to take over, Spanner, Jackson, Peanut and Dyno."

"That's Elvis' old team" piped in Georgie "Why were they helping her."

"Why shouldn't they have helped her, they knew her too through Elvis" shrugged Nan turning to Georgie and giving her a withering look "Who knows" she paused "But they straightened her out got her through the selection process and she works with them now so your paths shouldn't cross and she won't ever be assigned to work with either of you by mistake."

"It was Bones wasn't it…..he was killed by a bomb" said Georgie quietly "while we were in Bangladesh"

"I know" replied Nan with narrowing eyes and looked towards Charles who looked absolutely shell shocked "You were already on your way out to join 2 section and that bint when she went to his funeral." "You never even asked her how she was when the news came through" said Nan shaking her head at him. "Just packed your bleedin' bags and left her again."

Charles could feel a lump in his throat and his eyes a little glassy, he blinked a few times and stood up straighter "Sign the papers Charlie, don't make this anymore messy than it needs to be" she said more gently. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, it was almost a physical pain, Charles nodded and signed the document that started the process to the end of his marriage to Molly.

"Will I see her again?" he asked as he looked up at Nan blinking rapidly to cover up his sudden urge to cry. Nan shrugged

"Sort yourself out Charlie, get the 'elp Molly asked you to get" she leaned close to him whispering "If you want her you'll have to fight for her, prove you're not a shit" she gave a sad sigh "I expected her Dad and that twat Artan to let her down, but have to say I'm very surprised at a bloke like you Charlie….you've probably hurt her more than all of them put together, I'd even say that no-one could ever hurt her as much as you have done."

"Will you tell me where she is so I can talk to her?"

"Nah!" she said picking up the paperwork and putting it back in the envelope "She knows you're not well, even if you don't wanna admit it. Despite everything she still cares about you but won't play second fiddle to her or the army. She has too much respect for herself even if the pair of you don't" nodding towards Georgie "She never asked you to give up the army just to get help to sort your nut out, if you want her back you have to do that and then prove you love her" and with a small grin "then hope she forgives you and doesn't cut your balls off."

"One last thing Charlie" she continued rummaging again in her handbag and this time pulling out a small white envelope. Charles didn't need to open this one he knew exactly what it was – Molly's wedding ring and engagement ring.

"Just in case you need it for that one…..saves buying a third set won't it Charlie?"

"Do the family hate me" he asked plaintively.

"No, just disappointed" she replied "Molly told us all about PTSD and how it can change you, make you make bad decisions, not be able to work out what's right anymore" she sighed "only you can fix yourself Charlie and you gotta want to" standing up straighter she continued "but if droopy drawers over there is what you want, stay away from Molly, we don't ever want to see or hear from you again or her" nodding in Georgie's direction.

"Come on lads time to go and get this stuff back" she turned towards Jack and Harry smiling and walking towards the door dropping Molly's keys in the bowl in the hall, Charles following them out. On the path Nan turned to him

"Goodbye Charlie and send my regards to Graham and Sylvia" she smiled "If she comes shopping in London Belinda and I would still love to meet her for tea somewhere."

Charles ran after her "Tell Molly I'm sorry….I'll get help"

"I have a feeling my granddaughter still cares very much for you Charlie which is why Jack here hasn't taught you a lesson you will never forget for hurting her like you 'ave" and patted his hand "you get the help because you want to, sort your life out just like she has had to" and with that she walked to the van to drive to where ever Molly was.

-OG-

He walked slowly back up the path deep in thought about the events that had taken place. He didn't realise that he had made his infatuation with Georgie so obvious and it was his distancing himself from the marriage that had caused its breakdown. He thought he was doing the right thing looking after her for Elvis but somehow that had got muddled in his head. He knew that Molly would be gone when he got back because of her call to him in Bangladesh but he didn't think that she would be so quick at dissolving the marriage, but then he had been a bit quick sleeping with Georgie. This visit from Nan had finally brought him out of his fog, he had suddenly woken up to all he had lost and stood to lose.

He walked into the kitchen and Georgie was still stood there shocked by events and subconsciously making a pot of tea for something to do. She heard him come in and turned to face him.

"What have we done Charlie" and her eyes filled with tears and he just shrugged he was so numb he was unable to offer any comfort to her.

"We weren't being honest were we Charlie" she continued "When Molly's Nan talked of Spanner and the lads helping Molly…..they came and saw me when Elvis first died, made sure I was alright" she sniffed "they must be so disappointed in what I've done, what we've done" she looked at him with tear filled eyes and he nodded in response.

"Us being together, it's not going to work is it Charlie" she asked and again he shrugged looking at the floor "I think maybe it was a rebound for you…..what with only the day before Molly ending it…..from what you had to….." she couldn't finish the sentence "I kept going on tour hoping to forget about Elvis" she continued "I don't think I have dealt with it properly either…perhaps we both need to sort our lives out before we mess up anyone else's". Charles looked up from the floor and into her eyes and nodded.

"Well I certainly appear to have messed up Molly's and I have a feeling my parents aren't too happy with me either"

"She's still in the army Charlie, perhaps your paths will cross again"

"You heard her Nan, she changed regiments and if Spanner and McClyde were involved I can only guess which regiment she's working in now."

"What you think she might be in Special Forces?" she asked incredulously

"You worked with McClyde and know how he pushes, if Molly wanted to join them then with his will and her determination I wouldn't put it past her to have got in" half smiling with pride.

"WOW" she whistled "There aren't many women that would have made it through selection….good for her" she offered with disingenuity

"Indeed" he said folding his hands under his armpits, already thinking of his meeting that afternoon with the Brig and telling him he needed help. If Molly was in SF, Nan was quite right their paths were not likely to cross. He also had this overwhelming urge to be sick, his fear for Molly so great. While he had to admire her for being brilliant to get through a gruelling selection process like that, and he hadn't noticed, what on earth possessed her to have such a cavalier disregard for the danger to her life. Look what had happened to both Elvis and Bones.

"So, are we good then" she asked with a small smile "just friends, no relationship, file this away as one of our monumental mistakes?"

"I think that is best, you're right it never would've worked. Getting together to try and keep Elvis with us and not ourselves" he snorted a laugh "I could never be Elvis"

"And I could never be Molly"

Nodding in agreement, Charles looked at her "I'm going to tell the Brig that I need to come off active service for a while, need some help"

"For what it's worth, I think that's good Charlie"

"And I think we also need to put things back to a more formal footing between us as well Lane and keep any contact on a strictly professional level" raising his eyebrow, wondering how she would react.

Georgie gave a sharp intake of breath and was not sure how she felt about this but agreed they probably did need to distance themselves from each other. While she knew she didn't love him like she did Elvis, Charles was still her link to him, her only link as she hadn't kept in touch with his parents or his daughter Laura. Perhaps she should start that again, so at least she had someone to talk to about him. She couldn't help feeling a bit jealous that she had lost Elvis but Molly had Charles and started wondering if that was why she did it, slept with him so that their marriage would definitely be over and Molly would be like her. Except she wasn't, she had already started to rebuild her life without Charles because of their betrayal.

"Yes, Charles we probably should"

"I was thinking more of Captain James, Sir or even Boss. Do you want a lift back to barracks when I go in this afternoon" and Georgie nodded in acceptance but a little shocked at having to refer to him as her CO and not a friend?

-OG-

The meeting with the Brigadier wasn't a bad as he expected. When he started questioning Charles on the after action reports Charles admitted that he had PTSD for the first time. Part of him couldn't believe that he had said the words as easily as it was not that long ago he had repeatedly denied it to Molly. It was almost as if a heavy stone had been removed from his chest and breathing had become easier.

In turn the Brigadier had been very sympathetic, acknowledged that it happens to the best of them and he had had his own brush with it after Bosnia. He recommended a residential course for physio and counselling at Headley. After that there was some new experimental treatment that other soldiers had tried at the Priory and they had been able to return to active duty afterwards.

"You will need to be ready for this treatment Captain James as it will be very intense, draining" he told him.

"What exactly does it involve" enquired Charles

"It's called Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing, you are required to relive the feelings and sensations of the event or events that caused the PTSD"

"I'm not so sure Sir"

"Well let's see how you get on with counselling and review at the end of that on your progress" he said "you have been an excellent Captain with many tours behind you and would be a loss to the army if you couldn't continue but given what you have told me you can't continue as you are."

"Thank you Sir" replied Charles "I'll do whatever I have to do to feel like me again"

"Good, I'm pleased to hear it" smiled the Brigadier "I'll organise a residential course at Headley with physio and counselling then we can review again in three months and we can keep reviewing every three months."

Charles left the meeting feeling relieved that he wasn't about to be discharged and that no one appeared to know about him and Georgie on tour.

-OG-

So he had finally acknowledged he had problems, that he had PTSD and was removed from active service. It was just such a shame he had taken so long to admit it. It had cost him everything that was really important to him. After his meeting with the Brig he went home, walking into the kitchen looking in the fridge but deciding he needed something stronger and pouring a large Scotch, knocking it back and refilling his glass before walking into their living room, with the glass and bottle and sitting on the sofa. He saw all the photos and that familiar lump came into his throat as he walked across to the mantle all the photos of him, Molly and Sam, their wedding day and Elvis. For the first time since he was 7 years old he cried as he swept his arm across the shelf all of them falling to the floor smashing. He picked up a photo of them by the lake on their wedding day, whispering he was so sorry through his tears as he went back to the sofa. Tomorrow he had a meeting with a Major Ted Baxter about his treatment plan and he felt he had lost complete control of his life, he just felt so bloody useless and there was nothing left for him anymore.

The meeting wasn't that bad, he actually liked the Major they were a similar age and had a lot in common. He explained what his role was and how he could help him. Told Charles would spend time in Headley having physio for his latest injuries but also start some group counselling. Major Baxter would be his one to one counsellor and they would review regularly and decide on next steps. There were many things they could do to help him including medication for depression and to help him sleep.

Charles was walking back out of Keogh with a folder full of leaflets on treatments for PTSD and a little more confident about what was going to happen, when he saw a familiar face in the distance as he increased his pace to catch up with her before calling out "Corporal Aston?" as she turned at the familiar voice he saw that she had another stripe and smiled "Sorry Sergeant Aston."

"Sir" responded Jackie, saluting making Charles raise his eyebrows. He may be her superior officer but she was his wife's friend and the way she just spoke it was as if she didn't know him.

"Jackie" he stammered "Can I ask a favour of you" and Jackie raised an eyebrow "Will you tell her that I'm sorry, tell her I'm getting the help she said I should, that I needed."

"Can't do that Sir" she answered truthfully "She's not here."

"But you know where she is?" his eyes boring into her "Please, tell her I'm sorry and I miss her" and looking down at his feet as he put his hands in his pocket "Tell her I love her."

"Can't do that Sir" causing him to look up as she repeated what she had said "Firstly she's not in the country and secondly" she snorted a laugh "same as she told your mate, if you want her to know then grow a pair and tell her yourself."

"Difficult Jackie if I don't know where she is."

"She's not in the country at the moment she's on ops" replied Jackie narrowing her eyes but her voice softening slightly "But you do know where she is, who she works with now."

He nodded as Jackie looked across the parade ground "Looks like your medic wants a word" she said harshly as she nodded in the direction of Georgie, turning on her heel and walking away. Charles swung round to see Georgie walking towards him and he sighed.

"Hello Lane"

"I just thought I would let you know I am transferring back to Stockport" she stammered "It's too difficult down here".

"Well, if you think that's best Lane".

"You know where I am if you need me Charlie, but we might have made a mistake starting a relationship so soon after…"

"You're right, will you be alright without Elvis?"

She shrugged "Don't know Charlie."

"We need to get things back on a proper formal footing now Lane, so no more Charlie or Charles for that matter. It needs to be Captain James or Sir. I'm off active service and will be getting help for PTSD, you might want to do the same thing" finally recognising they were probably both messed up by the loss of Elvis and dealt with the whole fall out badly.

-OG-

Now all he had to do is go to Bath and see his parents. Start putting some of this mess that his life had turned into right again.

He was right his parents were disappointed with him. Molly had told them about the PTSD and his involvement with Georgie. He didn't blame her as they wanted to know why she was leaving him. His mother could be pretty persistent, like a terrier, when she wanted to know something and she knew Molly well enough to know that she wouldn't just walk out on her injured husband for no reason.

His mother, Sylvia kept in touch with Belinda and Nan and did continue to meet them for lunch from time to time if she was in London shopping and he got snippets of information on Molly from her. That she was indeed in SF and doing well and was now going for her Sergeant's stripe. He felt proud of her and her achievements he had always known that she lacked confidence in her own abilities but knew that she could be and was brilliant.

He also knew that he was going to have to work incredibly hard himself to get back to full fitness both physically and mentally if he wanted to continue with the army, to prove he was still a leader of men. He wanted to do it for himself for his own self-worth and pride but also for the people that loved him. He just had to hope that Nan was right and that Molly still did love him and still would when he felt he could find her again when he felt whole again.