SETTING: Takes place immediately after 19x9 ("Gone Baby Gone") in the show chronology and sometime after chapter 4 ("Embrace") of this story. Contains spoilers for 19x9.
NOTE : It would seem that now that I have gone back through the series to update for canon-compliance (changing the setting of chapters 5 to 14 of this story to AFTER "Gone Baby Gone" and moving them into chronological order), I have become "unstuck" and inspired to continue! Occasionally I will be shifting recently added chapters into chronological order for the sake of new readers and readers who want to read through again to get their Barson fix!
"Alright, my love. It's time to start getting ready for bed."
"But mommy - "
"No buts, Noah. I already let you stay up an extra half hour."
"We have to go anyway, buddy," Amanda supplied helpfully. "Jessie needs to go to sleep, too."
Jessie was resting on Carisi's lap and was too tired to protest.
Noah dutifully hugged each of them, not noticing that they all seemed to squeeze him a little tighter and a little longer than usual, but when he got to Barba he asked, "Uncle Rafa, can you do my bedtime?"
"Sure, little man," he agreed with a smile. "Jammies and teeth, then, please. I'll be there in a few minutes."
There were no looks left to pass between the other adults present; they'd already been shared many times over since Barba had arrived at Liv's apartment. His jovial greeting, his casual dress and demeanor, his choice to sit on the floor and play at the coffee table, engaging Noah and Jessie in a way none of them could have expected. Amanda, Carisi, and Fin didn't quite know what to make of it.
Liv knew, could easily recognize and empathize with the nervous energy. After days of adrenalin and uncertainty, after a full day of court that had kept him away until now, Barba was relieved, was starting to decompress, and she could see he was overcompensating a bit with Noah to keep himself from revealing to the boy - who had no real concept of what had happened - how happy he was to see him here and safe. Still, she was surprised that Barba would act this way to such a degree in front of her squad, especially when he started to relax and behave more naturally, revealing bits and pieces of the man she'd come to know when they were alone together.
At work, it was always like flipping a switch. He'd be in her office or his office and they'd be laughing or fighting or bantering or eating and he would be HIMSELF. And then someone else would walk in and it was like that man was gone, hidden behind the armor of his three piece suit and, depending on the intruder, either his professionalism or his snark.
It might have happened anyway, but it was their nights around the Benson dinner table and following that had really cemented Barba's penchant for dropping his guard around her. He didn't make it as often as he would like due to work commitments, but he'd been given license to crash spaghetti night whenever he was available and interested.
That arrangement had come about a few weeks after he'd been roped into babysitting during his suspension. He'd arrived at the apartment at Noah's request only to find out that the invitation had been issued without his mother's knowledge. Over pasta that evening Noah had received a stern talking to about using the phone unsupervised when it wasn't an emergency, and about asking people over without clearing it with Liv or Lucy first. Noah had requested then that Barba be allowed to come over for spaghetti night whenever he wanted, and permission was granted with a smile. And it became a family joke that whenever there was an unexpected knock at the door, Liv would tease Noah about whether he'd invited someone over.
The times Barba had taken advantage of the open invitation -- only once or twice a month, and generally only when there was work to be discussed after Noah was in bed -- Olivia had been able to just sit back and watch while Noah did all the hard work deconstructing Barba's public persona, and even his best-foot-forward/best-behaviour more private persona. What she'd been allowed to learn as a voyeur in those proceedings was that the real Rafael Barba could be kind of goofy, kind of nerdy, not nearly as confident in some situations as he let on, sometimes even awkward, and intense over things that most adults would not lend intensity to (things like Lego and playing pretend). He apparently loved to wrestle, loved to make up ridiculous songs, and loved to tell corny and childish jokes that would send Noah into fits of giggling and gasping on the floor but that no self-respecting adult would even grant an eye-roll for. Who knew?
She knew. And she loved that she knew.
Her detectives, however, didn't really have a clue, despite what they'd seen that night as they'd all assembled to support her and to celebrate Noah's safe return. And as he joined her in the entryway to see them all out, as she watched him grasp Fin's hand, accept the clap on the shoulder from Carisi, give Amanda a warm smile and drop a kiss on her daughter's head, as she felt his warm hand come to rest briefly but comfortably on her lower back, she found she was profoundly glad and grateful that for her sake, for Noah's sake, Barba had allowed himself to be present, truly present, during this gathering, and give her team a glimpse of the man behind the mask, behind the armor, the man she'd come to consider a dear friend.
She was also glad that when the door closed behind the last of her squad - her FAMILY - she could feel free to be a little more of who SHE was behind HER mask and armor. And who she was that night was a hot mess.
"Can you put him in my room, please?" she asked, not meeting his eyes, embarrassed at her weakness.
But Barba understood. She needed Noah close so she could watch over him. "Of course."
Having witnessed him follow their bedtime routine a good half dozen times over the last year, Olivia was content to let them be as she tidied up and worked on the dishes.
Through the open door she could hear animated reading in Spanish and her little boy's laughter, could catch snippets of their conversation as Barba guided Noah in his usual debrief of the day as they wound down. And then Barba singing quietly, then humming, before silence fell.
That was her cue. "Hey," she greeted from the doorway.
Barba was propped up comfortably with pillows against the headboard and Noah was tucked in beside him, sprawled faced down. "Hey." He gave her his usual half smile and continued tracing invisible designs on the boy's back. "That's the fastest he's ever fallen asleep for me."
"He's had an eventful few days."
"That he has." Barba made no move to leave, and took a moment to properly craft his next words. "I'm good here for awhile longer if there's something you have to do, or want to do. I've got him."
She was about to protest when she saw the way Barba was looking at her sleeping son. Like he needed this too, to assure himself that Noah was here and safe.
"Hmmm... Well, honestly, I would love to just soak in the tub for a bit. I, uh, I haven't really had any me-time since everything happened"
He picked up her iPad, headphones attached, from her bedside table. "I'll fire up Netflix and put on some old Downton to give you some privacy. Then you can ugly-cry as loud as you like if you feel the urge."
She managed a scoff, but they both knew that was probably exactly what would end up happening if she was allowed the luxury of finally being alone with her thoughts.
"Thanks, Rafa."
"Don't mention it. Go on."
She allowed herself roughly the length of one Downton episode to give in to her grief, her relief. And while she knew it would take a lot of time and probably a lot of therapy to really move past all that had happened, all that she had allowed to happen by not trusting her initial instincts and allowing Sheila to be a part of their lives, all that COULD have happened if she and Rafa and her squad hadn't figured out was was going on, that hour was more cathartic than she had expected. So when she returned to her room in her pajamas, her damp hair tied back away from her face, eyes red from crying, and he asked her if she felt any better, she wasn't lying when she told him she was, if only just a little.
"You look dead on your feet," he told her as he returned her iPad to where he found it and sat up. "I still have my keys; I can lock up behind me. You come lay down."
She was so exhausted that she didn't even bother to attempt refusal. She clicked the switch on the wall as she passed and Barba turned on the reading light so she could navigate the darkness. As she slipped under the covers that he had pulled back for her, she found herself admitting, "Every time I start to fall asleep I get worried that he won't be here when I wake up. I know it's irrational, but -"
"I get it, Liv. You don't need to explain yourself to me." He drew out tucking her in, rearranging the covers around Noah, much longer than was necessary to do the job. Gathering courage. "Would it help if I stayed awhile longer? Help you sleep, I mean."
She was touched by the offer, but her automatic response was to refuse. "I can't ask you to do that. You have work in the morning."
"You're not asking," he pointed out. "I'm offering."
"But -"
"Just give me this, Liv. Please?" He exhaled heavily in frustration. "This whole ordeal...I've felt so helpless and useless."
"You weren't!" she insisted, propping her head up on her pillow so she could face him properly. "You were there. You were WITH me. And it was you that got us what we needed to find him in the end."
"That's kind of you, but let's face it - I was generally useless and awkward and said some really stupid things."
"Rafa -"
But he waved her off. He wasn't looking for reassurance. "I needed to do something. I NEED to do something. Let me do this." It came out more raw and pleading than he had intended, but he could see the acquiescence it brought to her face. "Thank you," he said with a smile, feeling a little sheepish about his emotional outburst but glad it had garnered the desired results. He turned off the light and settled back again.
It felt strange to have him there without talking, but Olivia was so tired that she fell asleep while trying to figure out where to start the conversation. When she was later awakened by a quickly fading dream, her eyes flying open and fighting to adjust to the darkness, she saw the clock and realized that several hours had passed, the longest unbroken period of rest she'd had since this had all began.
It did nothing to assuage her momentary panic before she realized that Noah was still there, breathing deeply, peaceful and safe. She sighed with relief and rolled closer to him so she could pull him against her. But her questing hand found something more solid than she expected. Namely Barba's torso, which her son had effectively wrapped himself around.
"Mmm..." Barba mumbled and opened his eyes. "You okay?"
"Yeah. Sorry," she apologized. She could see his outline now, still on top of the covers but laying down properly on his back. Noah's hand was clutching the man's soft sweater, his head resting on Barba's bicep.
"Sleep, Liv. I've got him." His fingers found her in the dark and curled lightly around her wrist. I've got you both. He might as well have said it aloud.
Tears came unbidden to her eyes for a very different reason then before, but her exhaustion overrode the sudden emotion, and she was soothed further by the brush of his thumb, gentle against her skin. Then he was humming, and as she strained to listen, to follow the melody, sleep overtook her again.
When morning arrived Barba was gone. She was surprised to find that she and Noah had managed to not only sleep, but to OVERsleep. And as she had taken another personal day and wasn't ready to send Noah back to school, they had nowhere to go and no reason to leave the warm cocoon of the bed.
Their long, quiet cuddle time was interrupted by a sudden revelation. "Mommy?"
"Yes, sweet boy?"
"We missed spaghetti night."
"You're right." She had to fight not to become emotional again, remembering her breakdown in her office with Barba discussing this very thing. "We did."
"Can tonight be spaghetti night this week?" He was sitting upright now, cross legged and facing her, all dimples and earnest grin. She was helpless to deny him.
"Of course, baby. That's a great idea."
"Yay!" And then he was crawling over her towards her phone that she'd set on the bedside table. "Siri! Call Barba!" he ordered excitedly after double tapping the screen and entering her code.
Of course. It was spaghetti night. Which meant in Noah's mind that Barba was already invited.
Olivia couldn't bring herself to scold him for making a call without asking her first. Nor did she bother to warn Noah that his Uncle Rafa might not be available, that he might have to work or that he might have other plans, that he might prefer to go to his own home after being stuck at theirs the night before
She didn't bother because she knew in her heart that Barba would be helpless to deny him, too.