YOU BROKE ME FIRST
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks so much for choosing to read this fic! This is my first attempt to dip my toes into the amazing realm of Haikyuu and also my first M/M story. I hope you enjoy this angsty story!
Sighing, Oikawa smirks as he slips off his boyfriend's lap, clammy skin clinging to the fresh sheets as his dishevelled hair hits the pillow. Within an instant, his mischievous gaze drifts up to his stoic partner's stoic face. There was no doubt about it, he was handsome in the most conventional sense of the word, from his manly facial features through to his physique; he was tantalizing. A delectable treat that he couldn't resist despite his best attempts over the years to dismiss such thoughts. But now, Iwaizumi was all his.
"Iwa-chan, you've gone all silent again. Are you worn out from our extracurricular activities just now or are you wanting to commence round two?" Oikawa teases crudely as he traces a calloused hand down his partner's thick bicep; fingertips memorising every rise and fall of his muscular arm.
The silence continues to cling to the humid air. Frustration rising, Oikawa pinches his brows together, a pout gripping his somewhat plump lips as he flicks a bare leg across his partner's partially exposed upper thigh in a rare display of dominance. "Aww come on Iwa-chan, don't be a meanie. You know ignoring me is a form of torture," he proceeds to whine, jutting his lower lip out somewhat dramatically due to what could've only been three minutes of silence between the pair at most.
Iwaizumi immediately turns his head, smirking tiresomely as he snickers to himself. "Calm down Pervykawa, we can just lay here for a bit you know?" he quips playfully, eyes softening as he carefully took in the flushed and somewhat scruffy appearance of his boyfriend. Exhaling, the ace reaches across, dragging his lover's torso up against his chest, eyes fluttering closed.
Smirking, Oikawa nuzzles up against his boyfriend's bare chest. A cheshire grin spreads across his lips as he traces his hand seductively across his partner's abdomen, silently admiring his physique until he reaches the curve of his waist, proceeding to tug him closer and letting loose a content sigh.
"How much longer do we need to sneak around like this for?" Iwaizumi enquires at last, the heavy question rolling off the edge of his tongue like it was nothing.
The question cut through the air like a knife causing Oikawa's eyes to widen instantly; pained by the question. A cold pit sinks into the setter's stomach as he looks up at his lover through the tight bear hug he had locked him in; his mind going a hundred miles an hour as he gazed up at him nervously. How many times had they had the discussion? It was surely getting into double digits.
"Iwa-chan, you know I'm not ready to make things public yet," he responds in a whisper, his voice lacking the usual confidence that it always bore. Every time the topic was raised it seemed to deepen the painful expression plastered across Iwaizumi's features. He couldn't pretend to not notice that kind of pain as he would with others. Iwaizumi is different, he always had been. He is the one that he loved the most, as such, the one he could never bear to see make such an expression.
Sighing knowingly, Iwaizumi gazes down at him, eyes searching his partners as his chest tightens; bracing itself for impact. "When will you be?" he asks flatly, his voice tense and drenched in pent up frustration; "It's been a year, Oikawa. It's ridiculous."
"Technically it's not a year until next week, Iwa-chan," Oikawa states honestly as he breaks free of his partner's embrace, propping himself upright. His concerned gaze remains locked on his partner, worried eyes searching his own, "Look, I know. It's not ideal. But it could cost us our dream, I'm not ready to risk that. Are you?"
Iwaizumi exhales heavily as he sits up straight, his back pressing up against the bed head as he raises a brow at his lover. "You don't know that," he fights back as one hand tugs the thin bedsheet up over his exposed groin; "Plenty of sporting stars are open about their sexuality."
Iwaizumi wasn't wrong, it was hard to argue with his logic. "Yeah, but plenty are ridiculed or get treated like a walking scandal," Oikawa argues stubbornly; "What if that happens to us?" It was a risk he simply is not willing to take. Why gamble your hope and dreams away when you could have the best of both worlds? It seemed simple enough in his eyes.
"Well, it's always going to be a risk so long as we are who we are," comes Iwaizumi's logical rebuttal, his voice a little snappier than usual.
Flustered, Oikawa sits up straight, legs crossed as he throws his hand up in the air dramatically. "Why do you need to pressure me? Things are fine as they are," he whines irritably, eyes trembling with pent up fear and insecurities; "Why can't we can just have a relationship behind closed doors for a few more years until I am re-"
"I'm not fine though," Iwaizumi interjects his hoarse voice filled with frustration. Just how bluntly did he need to put it for his boyfriend to truly understand the depths of the pain he had been silently enduring, all in the hope that perhaps this time things would change. That finally, things between the pair could be as open publicly as it was privately.
Lifting a hand up to his face, he roughly massages he brows, eyes fluttering closed as he searches silently for the right words. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt him, or to be insensitive. It was a difficult topic to navigate.
LGBTQI relationships were more commonly spotted out in public, it was a beautiful thing to witness, and yet so many still remained closeted not out of their own choice, but out of fear of what might happen the instant the words roll off the tip of their tongue in the presence of their conservative families or the whispers among classmates. Iwaizumi is no stranger to that overwhelming fear of rejection, but he pushed through it and now it was merely a memory from the past. For Oikawa on the other hand, it is his past, present and he seemed to believe it controlled his future also. A bleak and heartbreaking thought to say the least.
Sighing, Iwaizumi slides his hand from his face, his dark eyes softening as he stares back at his lover's distressed expression. Sheltering him from how he felt was not his style, cold hard honesty is all he knows, and yet just seeing Oikawa staring back at him with such a terrified gaze as he attempted to hold himself together made him yearn for such a skill. Anything that would permit him to protect his heart, even just a little.
"You might not have come out to your family but I have," Iwaizumi states, his hand pressing down into the cushioned mattress as he tilts his head backwards. "I don't want to be a dirty little secret and to have to watch you flirt shamelessly with those fangirls of yours. I'm tired of this facade we have put on for others," he explains, heart racing as the harsh words echo through his mind; there was no doubt the truth hurt, but this was reality.
Oikawa sits in silence, his throat tightening as he takes in his boyfriend's words; for the first time ever, lost for words. It was difficult to know what to say other than his usual automatic response to the topic. "Please, just give me more time," he urges, eyes quivering as fear consumes him. Just how many times can he ask such a thing without receiving the worst possible response? How much more time did he even need? It was all too much.
"You just keep dragging things out," Iwaizumi quips exasperatedly, lips twisting as discomfort grips him. He didn't want to be the bad guy and he sure as hell didn't want to pressure him, but it was affecting him and it was only a matter of time before it affected the relationship as a whole. "I know this is a big deal, but I just want to walk down the street holding my boyfriend's hand," he explains simply, half laughing at his own idea of a dream; it sounded so childish out loud.
A mischievous smile teases at the corners of Oikawa's lips the instant Iwaizumi's request left his lips, his melodic laughter serving to alleviate his nerves as his heart quivers with joy. "All this over hand-holding, Iwa-chan?" he teases instinctively, still a touch too nervous to bring himself to laugh in such a delicate situation.
Iwaizumi frowns slightly, raising a thick brow as he eyed his partner. "You know it's more than that, Crappykawa. I'm serious you dumbass," comes his harsh response; "I want everyone to know you're mine."
Eyes widening, Oikawa smiles sheepishly, shoulders relaxing as he sighs. "You don't think I want people to know that? I want those annoying fangirls off my back more than you can imagine and don't get me started on those idiotic girls that send you fan letters," he retorts irritably, careful to not direct his frustration at his already upset partner as he spoke. "It's just a risk. A big one, for me both personally with my family and professionally," he explains, twisting his lips thoughtfully to one side as his gaze drifts across the room; eyes locking on a framed photo of the pair of them goofing around post-match perched on top of his dresser.
The love they shared was most definitely mutual. It wasn't even up for discussion. But somehow knowing that fact just served to make the reality of their differing approaches to handling their sexuality in such a tricky time of their lives so much more painful. They weren't the type of couple that saw eye to eye on every matter, but they tended to when it came to the things that were important. But their family situations made their responses to their true identity so different it was unnerving. Both understood the other, but both had a different outlook for the future in a reality in which they were both openly and unapologetically themselves in the face of society. Two sides of the same coin.
It felt like groundhog day, how many times could they have the same conversation? How many times would he expect a different outcome? It was the definition of madness."The risk is always going to be there. You need to decide what's more important. What others think of you and your career, or being happy? Because that's the real decision here," Iwaizumi states bluntly as he slipped out of bed, eyes searching the floor for his underwear and pants.
"It's not that simple Iwa-chan," Oikawa whines, a frown gripping his lips as he looks across at his partner's handsome, stoic visage; pleading eyes searching for an end to the uncomfortable discussion.
"Actually, it is," Iwaizumi retorts firmly, sliding his pants up his legs and climbing back onto the mattress, legs crossed casually as he leant back against the bed head once more.
"I'm not ready, but I don't want to hurt you," Oikawa explains, his chest tightening as he pulls the sheets up higher, the silky material pooling around his waist as he releases his grip.
Iwaizumi falls silent for a moment, his hands gripping his upper thighs as he loses himself deep in thought. "Honestly, I am at my limit as it is," he confesses, the harsh statement spilling from his lips as he avoids making eye contact; admitting such a thing is painful enough as it is.
In an instant Oikawa felt his heart sink down into his stomach, a cold feeling of guilt and panic consuming him like a tidal wave. "Tell me you're joking Iwa-chan," his whispers, voice cracking as he tugs roughly at his lover's arm; "You can't be serious. You can't just give up on me like this! I love you, you know that!"
"Give up on you?" Iwaizumi repeats somewhat aggressively, his eyes narrowing as he looks across at Oikawa. "Giving up on you would've been me walking away from this seven months ago when you first said you weren't ready to tell people two days after you told me you love me. Giving up on you would be me distancing myself from you a little more each time you tell me the same thing over and over!" He fires back his voice wavering as his eyes grow misty.
Slightly taken back, Oikawa tries to calm himself as Iwaizumi's words echo through his mind. The pain his partner had to endure while he tried to find how best to proceed was unfathomable in hindsight. But even still, selfishly, he couldn't help but hope for more time. "Then don't give up now," he begs one last time, his defiant eyes gripping his lover; "Please, don't..."
"Then choose me. Choose me over your fears right now, in this bed," Iwaizumi argues half-heartedly. "Post something, anything on your stupid Instagram account that hints at you being with me and I'll believe you," he continues to press, eyes stinging with tears unshed as his jaw tightens, fear consuming him as the outcome he had come to expect draws closer.
Swallowing hard, Oikawa stares back at his lover's distraught features; "Iwa-chan, I can't let my family find out yet."
Sighing Iwaizumi takes a moment to register the disappointing response. Sure he had expected it, and if he was a betting type of man, he would've put money on the fact his request would garner such a response. But it hurt, it fucking hurt. "Then I'm sorry, but I'm done. This simply isn't healthy for either of us then is it?," he states honestly, "I love you, I really do even though you're a major pain in the ass. I hope you know that."
"D-Don't! Not like this," Oikawa stutters in disbelief, his eyes anxiously searching Iwaizumi's as he reaches forward, desperate to hold his partner's hand, only to pause just short of making contact. Was it disrespectful to do such a thing? To desperately long for a physical connection in such an emotionally shattering instance?
If it was possible, Iwaizumi was convinced the breakup hurt just as much to instigate as it probably would've to be on the receiving end for. It was beyond uncomfortable, it was excruciating.
"This as an opportunity for us to both grow," Iwaizumi whispers softly, his hand reaching out to and seizing his ex's quivering hand that was floating mid-air, dragging it towards his chest as he tried to maintain his composure. One of them had to remain level headed. "Let's try and learn from our experiences with each other. Maybe one day you will come to love all of yourself as much as I love you. Just as you are."
Lower lip quivering, Oikawa stubbornly breaks eye contact as he felt his hand press up against his former lover's bare chest, the pulse of his racing heart caressing his fingertips as they curled against Iwaizumi taut chest. He had gone and done it, there was no stopping the tears at this point. "I'll get there one day, and when I do you better be there," Oikawa whispers, his voice cracking as the brave words left his lips.
"I might have plans that day," Iwaizumi quips, a sly smirk gripping his lips as his gaze remains fixed on his former partner.
Eyes widening in horror, Oikawa turns back to look at him; "Iwa-chan, please don't tease me.."
A somewhat dark chuckle escapes Iwaizumi as he takes in his teammate's reaction. "I doubt my feelings for you will be going anywhere. They were there for years before we got together after all," he admits with a shrug.
"I'll just have to make sure I'm worth the wait then," Oikawa states simply, his gazes softening as he wipes the tears from his cheeks; slightly embarrassed to have let his emotions get the better of him.
"You always will be," Iwaizumi states firmly as he released his grip on Oikawa's hand and slipped out of the bed in search of his shirt that had been thrown aside in a moment of passion earlier that afternoon. "I'll see you at training bright and early tomorrow as always, Shittykawa," he teases as he walks briskly to the dresser, lifting his shirt and proceeding to slip it over his head.
Oikawa twists his lips as his view of Iwaizumi's godly figure was obscured by clothing; "You better not be late then."
Iwaizumi raises a brow knowingly as his eyes trace up and down Oikawa's bare chest; "Pft, that's rich coming from you, pretty boy."
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks so much for reading my first of hopefully many Iwaoi and Haikyuu stories!
If you have a moment please consider leaving a review as I'd love to hear your feedback and thoughts on this story.