A/N - This chapter appearing today thanks to an excellent beta by Italian Doll! Thanks so much, Natalie! :D
Since their most recent discussion of the nature of their relationship, Barba found himself ruminating more than once (usually during one of the more boring chores related to his upcoming departure) about just how far off "in love" stood from "love" in their present situation. Because he was fairly sure he wasn't in love with Olivia Benson. Years of mental discipline had formed strong habits that served them well since "conflict of interest" had suddenly been cleared from the table, and had probably also rescued them from potentially ruining things by giving in to a passing moment of lust as soon as they had the freedom to, just because they could.
Despite a few rather notable exceptions in his personal and professional life that had led to deep regret or deep shit, Rafael Barba was, at his core, a careful man, one who was loathe to do much of anything "just because he could." This was part time management, part the eternal "save your fork" optimism that had been drilled into him by his grandmother and had formed some early brain patterns he never did quite shake, and part having the good sense to recognise the benefits of delayed gratification and how immediate gratification might not be worth the consequences.
Though this wasn't that, not really. This was more about how he was a shrewd investor, and one who knew the value of patience in letting his investments mature.
The dividends of his investment to date in his friendship with Olivia had already far exceeded his expectation of return. Their work relationship had been centering and steadying as well as productive and mutually beneficial. Their personal relationship garnered similar results, and had helped him to recharge when his emotional or mental resources were low. The journey from black-and-white to shades of grey to colours, as he'd so poetically described the evolution she'd brought about in him, had brought about equal parts destruction and rebuilding of some of his most basic guiding principles. And having someone to come home to, even though it wasn't his home, had started to restructure the flow his life. He had stopped taking pride in his ability and commitment to pull all-nighters in the pursuit of justice, instead finding even greater satisfaction when he made it out of his office in time to put Noah to bed, in feeling the boy tucked against his chest while they read together.
But he was not in love with Olivia. All the groundwork laid when their professional integrity had necessarily ruled the day had not been a slow build up to a tumble into bed the minute the option presented itself. No, they hadn't been building up, but actually building something. Something strong and important, something deep and abiding and precious. Something real and enough in and of itself, without it needing to be a stepping stone to anything else.
They were partners. They were best friends. They were family. And he loved her, loved Noah.
But as he had "distance" on his mind, understandable considering the physical distance between New York and his new, albeit temporary, post in Washington, it made sense for him to consider the distance between "love" and "in love". And by Sunday night he hadn't come to any sort of conclusion.
Sunday night had come much quicker than he'd expected, and what he HAD concluded was he wasn't quite ready for "goodbye".
Neither, apparently, was Olivia. "But it's still early!" she reasoned as he made his way to the door. It was 8:30, and Noah had just fallen asleep.
"I know, but I told Lucy I'd meet her at nine to give her the keys and the official orientation."
Lucy staying at his place had been a stroke of genius. It gave her a place away from the house she shared with two roommates so she could start strong on an online course she was taking and generally luxuriate in having a space - and a classy one at that - to herself. It gave Barba the comfort of knowing that he was fulfilling the requirements of his insurance by not leaving it empty, as well as the good feeling of having done something meaningful for someone he cared about.
The choice to wait until 9 p.m. on the night before his departure to meet her was also a stroke of genius. The look that Olivia gave him made it very clear that she understood exactly his reasons and while a part of her may have realized it was for the best, the larger, more annoyed part was currently in control of her facial features.
He held up both hands in defence. "Hey, I'm not drunk, but I am feeling ridiculously sentimental. Rules are rules." And because he had somewhere to be, he didn't have the option to break this particular rule. Genius.
Olivia just rolled her eyes. "What about horny?"
"Not yet," he said with a smirk. "Okay, I'll see you in the morning."
"Come early for breakfast?"
"The airport is going to be bad enough. I don't think we should belabour this." The decision to see Barba off at the airport had been Noah's. The adults had discussed it previously and had determined that a private goodbye was a better option for everyone involved, but Noah, like most kids, was fascinated with planes. He had begged for them to visit the airport so he could watch Barba's plane take off, and though it required Noah to take a half-day off of school and Olivia to take a half-day off of work, they'd eventually agreed. And they could tell themselves it was for Noah, and not because they wanted more time.
"You ARE sentimental." She touched his face tenderly. "How much of this is just you feeling unsure about the new job?"
"Not enough," he admitted without hesitation.
She looked at him for a long moment, thinking, considering. "Okay, get out of here. I hate it when you're right."
"No you don't." He kissed her lightly. "Bye." And then he left in a hurry.
A week ago he told her he wasn't sure they should be considering making any decisions about changing the nature of their relationship just yet. She of course had lacked context at that time, but he was being practical, knowing that 6 weeks apart could offer them healthy perspective, as opposed to a single week before parting which might lead them to condense things in an unhealthy way.
As he got into the waiting Uber, he felt gratified that he'd been right, and gave himself a proverbial pat on the back for his good judgement and strength of will. Mind you, he wasn't half-way home before he was starting to consider that maybe if his meeting with Lucy was short, he'd have time to finish packing and head back to Olivia's before she went to sleep.
A text from Olivia while he was in his elevator was the only thing that shut down his plan. "Wiped out. Headed to bed. Please confirm with Lucy she doesn't need to take Noah to school tomorrow. Night, Rafa. xo"
He typed out a quick response. He wouldn't have actually gone anyway. Right?
As he waited for Lucy Barba reflected on the day, how in many ways it had been a perfect send off even if it hadn't gone as planned due to Olivia being called in.
Brunch had been a joyful affair, with Noah and Lucia thick as thieves since their sleepover the weekend before. After bidding her goodbye, they'd walked a few blocks to 18th to a children's bookstore and picked out a book for them to read together while he was gone, buying copies for each of them. It was a chapter book, selected after a good deal of searching because it had exactly the amount of chapters as nights Barba was scheduled to be gone. The book would act as an advent calendar of sorts, helping the boy to keep track of when Barba would return. They'd read the first chapter that night, with Noah and Olivia cuddled close on either side of him.
Olivia had only arrived home just after four, exhausted. After a pasta supper, Noah's idea since Barba would be missing six spaghetti nights, they'd opted for a movie in deference to her lack of energy. The cuddling had started then, and understandably so. After all, they could still talk no matter where he was - by phone, by text, by Skype or Facetime. But CONTACT, PRESENCE was what they would be missing.
He was packed and mostly ready. Maybe after he met with Lucy he could close things up and take his luggage to Olivia's. He could climb into bed with her and fall asleep with her arm across his chest and they could have that breakfast in the morni -
A knock. Lucy had arrived. And by the time she left he'd gotten ahold of himself.
That hold was much more tenuous the next day.
Noah didn't have a real sense of how long Barba would be gone for, and he was excited for the bedtime Skype stories and postcards that Barba had told him to expect. That and the fact that they staged their goodbye by the viewing window so Noah could watch planes come and go had him too distracted to become emotional.
Barba and Olivia, on the other hand, didn't have that luxury.
Still, they were determined to put on a good show, and as the time approached for him to make his way to security, he pulled her from her chair and stood facing her. "Okay, I've gotta go."
After a deep breath, she cracked a grin. "Look at our brave faces."
"Yeah, we're awesome at this." They managed a laugh.
"Six weeks," she reminded them unnecessarily. It really wasn't that long.
"Maybe less," he responded.
"Knock 'em dead, Rafa. But not too dead." And he understood that she meant "Don't do so well that they won't let you leave."
He reached to embrace her, but she put a hand on his chest to stop him, knowing her brave face probably wouldn't last. Instead, she kissed him firmly, and when his fingers tightened at her hips to hold her to him and his lips moved against hers in a more intimate way than their usual goodbyes, she couldn't help but smile and tease, "Stop trying to make out with me."
"In your dreams," he teased back, remembering the last time they'd exchanged those words.
"Don't flatter yourself, Barba." And then she kissed him again, sweetly, and their foreheads rested together. "I'll see you in six weeks."
"Maybe less," he repeated.
"Rafa?" Noah was tugging his pant leg, a convenient interruption.
"Yeah, little man?"
Noah thrust Eddie the Elephant into Barba's hands. "I think you should take Eddie with you. So you don't feel scared on your trip."
Barba glanced at Olivia. She had taken a step away and was looking toward the ceiling, blinking furiously. No help at all.
With some difficulty Barba crouched down in front of Noah. "That is pretty much the nicest offer I've ever gotten. But I don't want to take Eddie away from you. I know how much you love him."
"I love you more," the boy said simply with a dimpled smile, and Barba had to swallow down the huge lump appearing in his throat.
"Kid, you're killing me here," Barba laughed as he pressed a finger to the corner of one eye to try to stop the impending tears. "What do you say, Eddie? Want to go on a big adventure? And we can send Noah lots of pictures?"
"Can you take a picture of him on the plane?!" Noah asked excitedly.
"Of course!"
"And can you take him to court with you?!" Noah had become a little obsessed with court since the day he had crashed the bail hearing.
"Well, I might be able to sneak him in with me in my briefcase," Barba conceded, crushing Eddie between them as he hugged Noah one last time. "Thanks, sweet boy. Love you."
"Rafa, you're going to miss your plane if you don't go soon."
He straightened, his knees cracking. "Okay, Team Benson. Eddie and I will see you in six weeks -"
"-Or less!" Olivia and Noah intoned together, causing chuckles all around.
Damn it. It turned out the distance between "love" and "in love" was the length of the line through airport security. Six weeks was going to be a very long time after all.
It's canon-compliant until they tell us otherwise!