A/N: I have never added an author's note at the start of a chapter, but then again I've never had a prologue, so I guess there's a first time for everything.
In my desire to avoid confusion, I wanted to warn you that the prologue ended further in the timeline than this chapter starts, thus, we are going back in time a little. If you read, A New Sunrise, you will note that this chapter starts right as that story ended.
Chapter 1: Edward and Bella
The number of conversations Carlisle and I had about Edward and Bella were bordering on the ridiculous.
It was not so much them as individuals, although, Bella wasn't out of the woods yet, by any means. Rather, the impact of our family leaving was just beginning to wane.
After Victoria had been ended, she gained weight to a healthier level and as a result her scent became even more alluring. Unfortunately, the healthier a human became and the closer they came to their physical optimum maturity level the more their blood called to our nature. Carlisle suspected this was why the vampire community was so full of individuals changed between late teenagers and early twenties.
When Bella had been in bed sleeping the family had discussions, sans Edward, since he was still not permitted to contribute, about what made her so attractive to our senses. Jasper believed that, in addition to Carlisle's theories regarding human development, she was meant to be in our world and her scent pulled our kind towards her. The evidence, at least as it related to Edward and maybe even James, seemed to support his opinion. What that might mean if another coven came upon us or if traditional friends visited while Bella lived with us was a mystery, but not something any of us wanted to consider. If nothing else, fortunately, Carlisle wasn't willing to have a repeat of James' coven, so agreed with Jasper's plan on detaining any strangers if they exhibited any untoward thoughts, assuming Edward would stand with us, if Jasper picked up any concerning emotions towards Bella, or if Alice saw anything alarming.
In the private conversations between Carlisle and I about Edward and Bella we decided on a divide and conquer method. Carlisle would speak to Edward, while I would be responsible to speak with Bella. We both agreed that out of the two I got the easier assignment. At the same time, I still didn't know Bella well, and certainly Carlisle knew Edward very well. Not to mention how Carlisle and Bella's relationship was strained, due to his violation of her body. Therefore, Carlisle and I decided that before saying anything to Bella about repairing her relationship with Edward, I needed to get to know her better and her thoughts about Edward more, while Carlisle would determine where Edward stood in relation to Bella and have Edward admit what he told Bella that day in the forest when he had left her.
Fortunately for us all, as the summer progressed Bella was busy spending time with her dad and the Quiluetes as well as us, so she usually wasn't at the house for more than a few days. This allowed us all to adjust to her fragrance as it changed, since she left her clothes in the house and her scent lingered, while also giving us a break, although holding our breath around her still became occasionally necessary. It was a way to build our tolerance, even though we all were frustrated about it. Irrelevant of how we felt, we decided as a family to all participate in order to ensure her safety from us. Despite these precautions, on more than one occasion Jasper excused himself and hunted. In August I brought to the family's attention the toll of our bloodlust on Jasper. We all agreed to hunt more regularly, particularly once Bella moved in with us. We also all agreed that we should keep our precuations from Bella unless she said something, as she was likely to feel guilty.
About a week after graduation, Rosalie opened her garage for the Quiluetes. It was slow going at first, but by the time the kids were meant to leave for college she was there two days a week. Ironically, she and a number of the guardians, particularly Jacob, had bonded over the cars. To the most part, as it turned out, instead of fixing cars from the reservations, she ended up showing them how to fix their own cars. When she wasn't there, often with Emmett or Jasper, she was in Bellingham working on the house. The months were occupied, even when the day was sunny, which seemed to please the kids. By the end of the summer Rosalie and the Quiluetes has agreed that they could have access to the shop as long as Sam was present, since he was older than twenty-one, and that if she was going to be in Forks, she would let them know, so she could offer them some more of her knowledge. It was an even better outcome than Carlisle had hoped for.
Through the summer I went out of my way to chat with Bella, often inquiring about her family. From both the fact that her mother did not come for Bella's graduation and from what she told me, I gleaned that her mother was fun, but immature, often focused on herself and unable to care for others in a way that I would have expected for someone of her age. Bella also described her as flighty and absent-minded. She seemed deeply connected with her mother, while also being relieved that she no longer was the one responsible for ensuring her mother's well-being.
The whole thing upset me tremendously, and I spoke to Carlisle about it for many hours. Ultimately, we concluded that Renee had been too young and immature when she had Bella, and although had done her best and had made Bella's childhood fun, it also had created some unhealthy habits in Bella. We weren't sure how to help Bella develop in this way, as this wasn't Carlisle's area of expertise and I was used to mothering vampire teenagers. Rather quickly it was made clear that my vampire mothering wouldn't much aid me with knowing Bella's needs. Consequently, I bought some books written by humans about human teenagers. Some of them weren't worth the ink printed, but a few had some ideas that I liked.
My conclusions about Charlie were similar in some ways. It had seemed like he too hadn't been adequately prepared to raise a child, but had sent child support and fulfilled his financial obligations. Other than that, he seemed at a loss of what to do and how to handle a young teenager, particularly a girl and one who didn't share his interests.
It seemed like Bella perceived herself as a blend of them: more like her father than her mother in temperament, but more like her mother than her father physically.
The parenting books seemed to imply that young women, without a positive male father figure, were likely to attract men who would not treat them well. I hated to think of Edward fitting into that category. However, more than once when they had been dating, I had reminded Edward that although she might be physically more fragile than us, no woman wanted to be treated like porcelain, and that respect as well as communication were vital for a solid relationship.
It was late July when out of the blue Bella told me, "I think my dad is interested in Sue."
Trying to remain impassive, as I wasn't sure what she needed from this outburst, I enquired, "Clearwater?"
"Yes," Bella confirmed. "Both of her kids are shapeshifters, Leah and Seth, and I believe that she took Harry's seat on the council."
As neither her reply nor tone gave away his feelings on this matter, I wondered, "Do you like Sue?"
She pondered that for a moment before answering, "I don't know her super well, like I know Billy, but yeah, she seems okay."
"Okay enough for Charlie?" I pressed.
Her eyes were on some random space out the window for a while before her eyes focused back onto me. "It's weird to think of Charlie dating, you know. But in reality he's not really that old. If she's good for him, then, I'd be happy for him. I don't want him alone. And Seth's great."
Smiling I had to agree. Seth was probably by far my favourite of the Quiluetes. Over and over I had appreciated how he had approached us. He reminded me more of Ephraim than his forefather, actually. His desire for peace was greatly appreciated.
After some more thought she added, "And having Sue know the truth will make things easier in some ways I think." She looked slightly uncomfortable, and then admitted, "I'm just struggling to see Charlie as a guy who is attracted to a girl. He'll be a great step-dad to Leah and Seth, which might help him when he has to lose me."
Reaching across the space, I squeezed her hand a feather amount. "It's hard to see our parents as people, and your reaction is a very mature one. Just like he wants to see you happy, you wish him the same."
She smiled shyly and agreed.
Bella and I didn't have much time alone again until it was the beginning of September with everything nearly situated for the kids to move to Bellingham. This time it was the morning without anyone else in the house, bar Edward, of course.
"How are you feeling about starting college, Bella?" I asked her as she sat watching me finishing up her breakfast.
"Excited and a bit nervous," she replied her cheeks warming some.
"Sounds just right," I told her smiling. "Classes all picked out?" I checked.
"Yeah," she told me shrugging. "It's the standard freshman first quarter classes, so nothing I'm really excited about, but it is what it is."
"I think we all appreciate when we're more juniors or seniors and are taking classes in our major. One of the advantages I have, given to me being a little older, is that it's easy for me to enrol in a Master's program instead, or even as a transfer student with my pre-requisite classes completed already," I explained to her.
She looked down bashfully. "I can certainly see that being an advantage."
Smiling slightly at her admission, I said nothing more and instead changed topics. "Any idea what major you want?"
"No," she told me sadly. "Maybe English, as I love literature. I'm also good at science and a number of my teachers have encouraged me to pursue a degree in Chemistry or Biology."
"No matter what you choose, just follow your heart," I advised. "After your turned you'll have time to do another. There's no pressure."
Her features turned serious and she whispered, "I'd like to get a job and add to the family income, maybe even build something for my parents, and the Quiluetes. I know I'm choosing to take myself out of their lives and I'd like to leave them something."
I started speaking, but she interrupted in a rush as if she had been holding in the words for a while.
"I know we could use some of the Cullen money and just put it in my name. And I know that Alice can take a little and multiply it to ungodly sums, but it's a bit like cheating, Esme. I get that money is important and it helps keep distance from humans, but I feel like I'm going to miss out on important life lessons by taking the shortcuts. I agreed for Carlisle to help pay for college, because Charlie would have picked up the debt, and I can't allow that, but for the rest …" then she sighed.
"Bella," I uttered.
It took her a good three minutes before she looked up at me. When she did nervousness and some fear were covering her face.
"I think that's great," I told her with a smile. "And I think you have some valid points. I grew up on a farm. We weren't poor by any means, but I didn't grow up in the opulence of Rosalie or Edward or even Carlisle, such as it was for his era. I have a tendency to agree with your outlook. I think hard work is important. I also hope that the result of you doing the very things you just suggested is that they will help you in controlling your bloodlust. Being able to set a goal, put your mind to something, and carry it through I think it a great lesson. What can Carlisle or I do to help you?" I questioned trying to show my support.
She smiled in gratitude her fear disappearing completely. "Well, for starters I want to work a part-time job in Bellingham."
I nodded in acknowledgement.
"I'd like to use some of that money for going out with friends, and stuff like that," she said slowly as if she was considering her words as she spoke them. Her face scrunched up causing me to ponder if perhaps she had been so certain I would have resisted her idea, that she hadn't considered these details yet. It was a sad possibility, and something for me to work on repairing between us.
"Following you thus far," I told her as a form of encouragement.
She took a bite of her food and thought some before she spoke more. "What if I make a savings account and you or Carlisle match what I put in? Then, when it gets to say a hundred thousand dollars, Alice can invest it for a year? Then, with whatever that comes up to we can say that's for my mom, then we start over for my dad, and then for the Quileutes?"
Smiling proudly, I told her, "That sounds really mature and reasonable."
"You'll keep Alice in line?" she checked appearing a little nervous.
"She can only invest what has been accumulated in the account, she is not permitted to add to it herself?" I checked.
"Yeah," she confirmed.
"I can do that, no problem. I'd like you to consider something, however," I stated with some hesitancy.
She looked reluctant.
"Carlisle and I have wanted to do something for the Quiluetes for a while. Particularly, we'd like to offer them funding to upgrade their schools and to add a trade school, so that the guardians can learn different trades without leaving their community and breaking their commitment to their tribe. We have been trying to do so through a dummy corporation or some fake government grant. The problem is that those ideas require that they have applied for some aid, and they have not and are unlikely to do so at this point."
Looking at her carefully she seemed receptive, so I continued, "If it is acceptable to you, we could set up the trust in your name and in addition to what you accrue for them, Carlisle and I could add the things we would like to do for the community."
She smiled warmly if not mischievously. "I could agree to that on the condition that the name on the trust is Bella Swan Cullen, so future generations of guardian and tribal leaders will hopefully be more receptive when we return to Forks in the distant future."
Smiling at her sweet thought, I told her, "That sounds like a great plan, Bella. You really are beginning to think like a Cullen. I am so proud of you."
Then moving at a speed that would allow her to see me, I came over to her and wrapped her in my arms.
"Thanks, M-Esme," she said and then the blood increased in her cheeks and I stepped back an arms length.
"I'll be Mom to you anytime, Bella. All of my children had mothers that carried them in their wombs and raised them for many years. That doesn't change that I have adopted them and they call me Mom, although Jasper is by far the least likely to actually do so."
Her blush increased, but her embarrassment seemed to have waned. After a few minutes she asked clearly curious, "How come?"
"You should ask Jasper," I recommended going and started cleaning the kitchen, "but I suspect it has something to do with leaving home, leading armies as a human, and then as a vampire. Hard to feel like a kid in need of a mom at that point, especially as a guy, although I think that we all need that feeling at times."
She another bite keeping her eyes on the food uttering softly, "Yeah, you're probably right."
"I'd still recommended you asking Jasper. I'd be curious his answer myself, actually," I admitted.
Nodding her head, she turned back to her good, and then after a few minutes had passed asked, "When will everyone be back?"
"A few hours I'd guess," I told her. "Alice and Rosalie went shopping for last minute house things, and Emmett and Jasper are putting on the last touches to the new place," I reminded her.
"And Carlisle is working," she added.
"Carlisle is working," I agreed with a smile missing him, although I hoped that he would be home soon. After a few more minutes had passed I asked, "How are you feeling about what happened with Carlisle?"
"I've forgiven him. Moving on, I guess. Still struggling to trust him with medical stuff, though," she admitted quietly.
"That makes sense," I concurred. "You know he's not one to make the same mistake twice. He's learned his lesson."
"What lesson did he learn?" she asked as if challenging me.
"That it is important for him to acknowledge and admit what he feels, even if that's fear," I told her.
"Hmph," she retorted.
"Have you spoken to him about this?" I asked.
"No," she answered sharply as if appalled. "And he's never brought it up," she added as if defending herself.
"First, Bella, please learn from my difficult lesson this past year. Not talking about difficult subjects does not help. So much between Carlisle and I would have been different if I had only had more courage before. I beg of you not to repeat my mistakes," I implored her.
"Okay," she said into her plate her head bowed.
I still struggled not to comfort her when she exhibited this action, but the books had said that such a thing was a sign of repentance and comfort might stop the teenager from learning his or her lesson. I hoped the authors were right, because restraining myself was hard to do.
"Second, Carlisle is a gentleman and ashamed of his behaviour. He might just be waiting for you to be comfortable," I pointed out.
"Right, okay, then," she mumbled.
"This is not a command, Bella. You're not required. It's not even a request. Just some motherly wisdom," I attempted to convey warmly.
She looked up at me, her face having so many emotions on it that I didn't know how to interpret what I saw. Then, she mumbled lowly, "Alright Esme, I'll take it into consideration."
"I know you will dear," I told her while with the lightest of pats touching her arm.
After a few moments she asked, as she had taken to doing each time we were alone together, "How's Edward doing?"
"Well, considering," I answered. "He's frustrated with the slow rate of improvement. He disagrees with Carlisle often, and is impatient. It might be not at the rate he wants, but he is progressing. He hunts less than he was, and is gaining control of his gift. He will get there. It took him nine months to get to the state he is in. It will take time for him to recover. As I mentioned before, part of the problem is that none of us have experience with this sort of things. We are all learning as we go."
"Can I do anything to help?" she asked clearly wanting to play a part.
It was a question she had asked multiple times before. Her care for him was transparent. Often my answer was for her to keep herself safe and to stay in her room at night.
This time was different though. "Actually, yes. We were hoping that you could wear a shirt overnight that you don't mind getting ripped to shreds, and then put it in a Ziploc bag in the morning. We're getting close to starting desensitizing. That would certainly be helpful."
Her face flushed pink some before she told me, "Sure, Esme. No problem."
By this time she was done with her food, so I cleared her plate and put it in the dishwasher.
The look on her face said she had something she wanted to talk to me about.
"Your room?" I asked indirectly questioning if she wanted privacy, given how her room was insulated sound wise.
Smiling she nodded and moved in that direction.
Once in her room, I closed the door. It was a good thing I had hunted last night while she had slept. Holding my breath to make it a bit easier, I settled myself into the rocking chair in the corner while she took the bed.
She fiddled with the seem along the bottom of her shirt for a while as I tamed myself.
"I'm really afraid that Edward and I can't be friends, even though I really want us to," she told me.
"Why couldn't you be?" I asked her assertion confusing me.
"Last time I saw him he wanted nothing to do with me," she stated her sadness at this clear.
Even though I completely disagreed with her assessment and conclusion, it wasn't my place to contradict her. So, instead I approached it from a different venue, "You've changed. Edward's changed. It's hard. I'm not claiming it's easy, but sometimes we have to talk things through, accept what has happened, learn our lessons, and move on, allowing the present to inform our actions, rather than the past," I told her.
"Like with Carlisle," she questioned.
"Yes, like with Carlisle," I agreed. "It was incredibly hard for me to let go of the fact that he left me behind and walked away from me completely when I was sixteen. When I saw him again after he had turned me, I wanted to forget about my hurt and keep him for myself. But that didn't serve our relationship. It has only been as a result of us talking through things that we've been able to heal. I want that for you. Like I said before, I want you to learn from my lessons."
She sat seemingly thinking about my words. When she did speak she asked, "Any idea when Edward and I will be able to talk?"
"When he can be around your blood and not lose himself to his bloodlust," I told her plainly.
She nodded in acceptance, although she appeared sad.
"It will come," I stated as a way of assurance.
Her nineteenth birthday gave a hint that she was moving past healing into substantial growth. However, it wasn't until Bella asked for a family meeting in late September when who she might grow into began to shine. All eight of us were in the Bellingham house with college starting on Monday sitting around the dining room table, while Edward remained locked in the basement.
"You have the floor," Carlisle let Bella know once the seven of us were seated.
"So," she started in a kind of spluttering fashion. Then, she looked at Carlisle and took a deep breath. "I've been keeping my end of the bargain."
With that Edward could be heard pacing and snarling and talking to himself. Some of what he said made it sound like he would rip Carlisle apart before he'd let Carlisle bite Bella.
I looked sideways at my husband who squeezed my hand back while he kept his eye contact with Bella.
"I know we talked about holding off until I'm closer to thirty," she continued on without pause, probably unable to hear Edward. "I'm still not sure about that part, but that's a conversation for another day."
Carlisle nodded for her to go on.
She twisted her hands together and looked up at Carlisle. "As much as I want to be a part of your family, I won't force myself onto any of you for all eternity, and that includes Edward."
Frowning, I looked around at everyone at the table.
They all had grim expressions.
Then, her eyes lowered and she stared at the tabletop. "On that condition, assuming that no one objects to me being a Cullen, I wanted to talk about what might happen if I get hurt, either here at the house or away from you guys."
"We'd clear out and get Carlisle," Alice answered like Bella was being dense.
"Let's go with that for now. But just as a worst-case, what if someone tried to sample me again?" she pressed.
This time Carlisle answered. "We're taking extra precautions like hunting more, just to be safe, but you're right. There is a risk with you living with us. Our first reaction would be to restrain the individual and remove them from the situation."
She held his gaze and nodded that she had heard him.
"If someone were to actually get close enough to bite you," he continued, "then we would immediately pull them off and allow the venom to spread, assuming that's still what you wanted."
"Along as no one in the family objects, like I said, then yes," she answered.
"And if you were to want to alter your opinion?" he pressed.
"I'll tell you the moment I change my mind," she promised.
"Agreed," he stated his tone carrying a touch of sadness and regret.
"What if I'm in an accident or something like that?" Bella questioned pressing on. Clearly she had given this topic quite a bit of thought.
Her looking at different angles and possibilities, along with wanting to talk it out showed her maturity.
I couldn't help but be proud of her.
"It would depend," Carlisle answered. "If it wasn't life threatening, we would probably keep our distance, maintain our cover, and allow the human medical teams to do their jobs."
"And if it turned life threatening?" she questioned.
"Then we would bite you," I stated firmly before Carlisle could have the chance to speak.
"Who would?" she asked.
"Whomever is closest," I told her, making my expectations clear to the family. "Unless we could get you back here to Carlisle," I added my voice softening.
"One of the reasons I'm asking," Bella stated clearly, even while she swallowed nervously, as if she had the need to explain, "is because our cover story this time means that for lots of periods of time Carlisle will not be nearby, and neither will you Esme." She looked apologetic and breathed in collecting herself. "If he's not here, then who?"
"Me," Rosalie said meekly.
"Or me," Alice added firmly.
Bella looked at Rosalie shocked.
"I have good control and if I lost myself Emmett or Jasper could pull me away," Rosalie stated matter-of-factly.
"I don't have as good of control as Rosalie," Alice admitted, "but I could also be more easily taken away from you if I lost myself."
Jasper and Emmett both looked sheepish.
When she looked at them they both smiled sadly.
"As you know I'm a good fighter," Jasper said. "And am especially good at protecting my meals. I have changed humans. It was when I was with Maria, but that was then, and it would be different now. When human blood was my regular source biting another human wasn't as much of a contrast as it would be now. I've worked really hard and to have that flavour in my mouth again … " he shook his head as Edward's growls turned louder.
Bella glanced towards the basement and then turned back around in a purposeful manner, almost as if she was choosing to ignore the sounds.
"If there were no other option and time was of the essence I would, but I would prefer the honour to help Alice or Rosalie if need be," Jasper told Bella smiling brotherly at her.
"Similar stuff to Jasper," Emmett stated. Then with a big smile added, "If you're willing to wait about another seventy years, I might be ready to have Rose's control."
"Nah," Bella answered with a big grin towards Emmett. "Carlisle and Esme are having a hard time convincing me to wait five, I doubt they could manage seventy."
Everyone at the table chuckled at the truth of her statement.
"So," Bella started slowly probably collecting her thoughts, "if Carlisle is not here and something serious happens to me, it would be a minimum of a two person job, one to bite and one to watch."
Edward roared as if he was in great pain.
We all agreed with Bella expressing a collective, "Yeah," and "that's right," but at Edward's bellow she hung her head.
"This isn't fair to him. I don't want to hurt him," she sputtered as tears ran down her face.
Then, she got up from the table and ran to her room as fast as she could safely go. Even with her door closed and her sounds insulated, I imagined her on her bed crying.
Standing up irate, I went over to the basement door and travelled downstairs. I was so fuming that my thoughts were incoherent. Fortunately Jasper did nothing to alter my mood, and only followed me along with the rest of the family. Edward tried to get past me, but with us united he didn't stand a chance.
"You," I pointed to him, "are going to stop this nonsense. You are hurting a young girl, the girl that you claimed to love. Stop it," I snarled.
That got his attention and he stared at me in shock.
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen you are one of the most stubborn good men I know. I have heard you and Carlisle philosophize about souls, heaven and hell, and God too many times to count. But you know what? Christ said that all the commandments could be summed in loving God and loving our neighbour. That girl upstairs crying her eyes out is willing to walk away from one of the few desires that she has clearly and emphatically stated over and over again because of your righteous self-assured conviction in an idea that cannot be proven.
"How is that love? How can it be love if you reject her choice based on your own values? Our leaving caused her great harm. How is that love? Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonour others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Examine this scripture and tell me how your behaviour tonight is a demonstration of love."
Waiting with a stern look on my face, I watched Edward carefully. When silence had gone past being reasonable I told him, "Edward you are my son and nothing, not your rebellious period, not you running away these past months, not your present state, changes that. But help me God if I won't allow your brothers to quarter you if you don't figure out how to love that girl in the way she's meant to be loved." Then, I searched out Bella's speech about why she wanted to join our family and ran it through my mind. "She might change her mind. If she did, I would grieve, while I would also trust her to live her own life how she sees best. It's her life and she gets to make the choice, irrelevant of what I might want. And until she either is changed or leaves our family, I will do everything in my power to make sure that girl knows she is wanted, valued, appreciated, and cared for. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, ma'am," he stated in the softest of whispers looking at the floor.
Then, I turned and walked out still fuming.
Carlisle touched my shoulder and gave me a look asking if I was okay.
I stared at him firmly allowing him to see my ire, but also attempting to assure him that I would let it go. When I got outside Rosalie was with me.
We ran together with her giving me nothing but her presence.
I took down a doe and allowed my anger to leave me. After burying my kill, I rose and at a gentle trot moved back towards the house. Even though she had said nothing, I had appreciated her accompanying me.
Opening the door waiting for her to step inside, I told her, "Thank you."
"Sure," she stated as if my appreciation was ridiculous.
Slowly I walked up the stairs to Bella's room. Knocking I waited. After more than five minutes had passed, I had to assume Bella had fallen asleep. We had agreed to only open the door and enter if she invited us or if there was an emergency. Since this was neither, I went to Carlisle's and my room, found a windowsill, and perched there watching the world around me, not wanting to go back to the basement and join in. Mostly they were keeping Edward company. Presumably they were also speaking to him through their thoughts.
Some time later Carlisle came in and wrapped his arms around me. "How are you?" he asked his tone softer than a whisper.
"Calmer," I replied with a sigh.
He simply pulled me in tighter and I laid my head on his chest.
The sun was within an hour of rising when Carlisle told me, "I think we had a family intervention." Collecting his thoughts some more he continued, "I have never in all my years seen you so upset, Esme. I didn't even know you had the capacity to be so angry."
My shoulders sagged. I wasn't ashamed for my words or even my tone. It was a long time coming. Probably something I should have told Edward ages ago, actually. Yet, Carlisle had a point. It was rare for me to be angry, and irate wasn't an emotion I could remember having.
Carlisle detailed to me, "After you left Emmett, Jasper, and I talked with Edward while Alice sat on the stairs her head in her hands. I told Edward how we all love Bella in our own ways, which unfortunately got me no where, as all he did was growl lowly. Trying once more, I told him, 'You left. We helped her put herself back together. We've bonded to her. You can't change that. On a good note, everyone else is in agreement about making Bella a permanent member of the family.' Edward reacted by reiterating that he refused to damn her, but there was no strength in his words. My only reply was to tell him that I or anyone else in the family would take that on, that we would all look out for her, and that each of us would honour the promise we made to her.
"He looked like he was in such pain, Esme. It was the most heart-wrenching sad expression I have ever witnessed," Carlisle mused before going back to his telling. "Edward seemed defiant and defeated at the same time while he uttered, 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't agree. She deserves better.' My only response that she might, but it was nevertheless what she had chosen, and we would honour her choice, even if we did not agree. I then pointed out that Rosalie did not agree and yet was honouring Bella's choice. I suggested he speak to her about it. He said nothing more and wrapped his arms around his legs and rocked himself," Carlisle concluded.
"Is there something wrong with me that I attacked one child in defence of another?" I asked Carlisle, uttering my thoughts out loud.
Kissing me on the cheek, he told me, "No, I think your reaction is a reflection of your care for Bella. She is more fragile than our other children, and also more tender. Then, there is the fact that she could request not to be changed, and practically insisted that she wouldn't want to join the family if Edward were opposed. Her choice is based on self-sacrifice out of respect for someone else." Then, he sighed like he had committed a grave sin.
"It just boils me, Carlisle," I tried to explain. "Edward is welcome to believe whatever he wants, even though I think some of his beliefs contribute to his more negative emotional states. Nevertheless, I can respect his opinions. What I can't respect is him digging his heels in so far that he would allow his belief to hurt her, someone he told over and over that he loves. She gives him far too much say in her thoughts and decisions, and he is more focused on what he thinks is right than what is happening."
"You mean to say that they are immature teenagers with unresolved family of origin issues that have no idea what a healthy balanced mature relationship looks like?" Carlisle teased speaking quietly enough that the rest of our children would not hear us.
"He should know better," I argued. "It's not like he is really seventeen."
"If he's anything like me, then Bella's presence has awoken parts of him that were dormant, that are seventeen. He might have almost a hundred years of being seventeen, but that doesn't mean he has grown up."
Nodding in agreement, I pointed out, "People are more important than ideas. I know we live by morals, and I get that, but I don't need a belief to tell me that I feel guilty for each human's life that I've taken, or that I am ashamed at how I've let you down, or humiliated at how my family has had to cover for my actions. Those aren't ideas. They aren't beliefs. It has nothing to do with souls or heaven or hell or God. It has to do with doing our best to do the least amount of harm to the world around us." Sighing heavily, I stared back out at the woods allowing my mind to focus on what was in front of me.
"If only the whole world saw their lives as you do, my love," Carlisle whispered while nibbling on my ear.
"His behaviour did not reflect love," I pointed out.
"Perhaps hers doesn't either?" he countered.
After much thought I relented, "Could be."
The sound of the water from Bella's room jolted me.
"I should start her breakfast," I let him know.
"You should talk to Edward once more now that you are calmer and preferably without an audience," Carlisle suggested.
"Yes, of course, you're right," I admitted.
"Not often," he replied playfully.
"I truly didn't intend to cut into him so deeply, and I am sorry for that." Smiling ruefully I admitted, "Perhaps all of those theological conversations between you and Edward impacted me greater than I realized."
He smiled widely like he had won a prize. "I am glad my dear Miss Platt that you have formed an opinion, even if it completely differs from my own and Edward's." Then, he looked at me playfully. "Perhaps more of the Miss Platt from your imaginings is shining through?"
My eyes grew wide. That was it. I had acted more like I had behaved in my imagining, the version of me that argued with Carlisle via letters.
"Glad to help," Carlisle told me smiling brightly.
"Willing to help me in the kitchen?" I asked with a broad smile glad that this development within me seemed to please him.
"Of course, my darling," he replied stepping back and offering me his hand.
Taking it, I came out of my perch and together we walked downstairs.
The omelette was almost done when Bella came into the kitchen and sat down on the other side of the island from us.
"I just wanted to commend you on how you handled yourself last night, Bella," I told her. "I came and knocked on your door, but presumably you were already asleep."
She blushed a little and stated softly, "Yeah, I was."
"How did you sleep?" Carlisle asked.
"Fitfully," she replied with a sigh still uncomfortable with being honest about these types of things.
Carlisle went over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "That is to be expected. You opened yourself up and were vulnerable last night. I am proud of your courage and how much thought you put into everything."
Her blush deepened. "Thanks."
Handing her the food, I told her, "Carlisle needs to go back to Forks for work tonight, and I am staying here to take care of Edward. Once the five of your schedules are settled and we have a routine to also mind him, then I will be accompanying Carlisle to Forks."
She nodded that she heard me while moisture collected in her eyes.
Choosing not to comment on her emotional response, I instead told her, "Come to the living room when you're done. I've told the other kids that we're going to spend time together as a family before Carlisle leaves."
"Okay, Esme," she replied before returning to her food.
After finishing cleaning up the kitchen, Carlisle and I found a spot on one of the couches. Emmett and Rosalie as well as Alice and Jasper each came out of their rooms and found places. Then, we played games for the rest of the day until Carlisle left for work. By then Bella claimed being tired and got ready for bed.
When I was hopeful that she was decent, I knocked on her door.
About a minute later she opened it.
Closing the door behind me, I asked her, "How are you?"
"I don't know," she told me as she flopped onto the bed.
"Tell me the first thing that comes to mind," I urged her.
"That the human mind is not a sieve," she started to say while tears began to fall. "Sometimes I wish that he had been right," she whispered. "Maybe forgetting would be easier."
"Who was right?" I asked as I moved next to her taking her hand.
She shook her head forcefully as if trying to dislodge something. I had seen her do this before and did not understand the motion. When I had asked Carlisle about it, he simply told me that humans have very odd behaviours when they are upset.
After a while of her saying nothing and simply crying, I gave up waiting for her to say something and simply pulled her into my arms. "Shhh, there," I cooed slowly while stroking her hair not knowing how else to comfort her until she fell asleep. At that point, I tucked her under the covers and went to talk to Edward.
When I walked in he looked more shameful than usual.
You violated Carlisle's rule and her privacy, I accused him.
Guilt was added to his features.
Letting his guilt go to pursue his shame, I asked with a tone that told him that I was looking for direct answers, "Do you know what she's talking about?"
"Yes," he told me meekly.
Staring at him, I waited. Well, out with it.
"I told her when I left that the human mind was like a sieve and that she would forget me," he muttered so softly it was hard to make out.
Gasping I looked at him sternly feeling equally appalled and dismayed. Why would you tell her such a thing?
"I was trying to assure her to move on without me," he explained in a whisper. Then, without notice he started blubbering. "I just wanted … she was supposed to … I never thought."
My poor ignorant boy, I thought as I went over and put my arm around him pulling him onto my shoulder.
He kept his sobs in, but I could feel his body moving.
Let it out, Edward. It will do you no good to hold it in.
Although a sound never left his lips, his sobbing continued. When he calmed some and sat up, hours had passed.
How often are you using your gift to be with Bella? I asked thinking back to me holding her.
His eyes got big and guilt was written clearly on him.
I thought Carlisle talked to you about that, I stated frowning.
"It's almost impossible not to. Everything within me craves her presence," he admitted shamefully.
I understand that you're struggling, Edward, but what happened to being a gentleman and respecting a woman? Bella invited me to comfort her, not for you to join along, I pointed out.
"I know that I'm a disgrace," he bellowed standing up abruptly his eyes turning midnight, his movement pushing me back a little.
Between the movement and looking up at him, I automatically cringed and an image of Charles involuntarily flew through my mind.
Before he had gotten to his last word Jasper and Emmett were in the space and Jasper's faux calm could be felt. Allowing it to soothe my irrational fears, I stood up slowly and moved away from Edward.
He fell onto his knees as if he had been punched in the gut. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," he repeated over and over.
Jasper and Emmett exchanged looks of confusion and then Jasper looked over to me. Allowing my own uncertainty to become predominant, I attempted to radiate it to Jasper.
"Let's get you fed, man," Jasper told Edward.
"I'm on it," Alice told us as the front door being closed could be heard.
"How about a story, Emmett?" I suggested not knowing how else to help Edward.
It didn't take long for Alice's feet to be heard running back towards the house.
"How do you want to do this?" Emmett asked Edward cutting into his own story.
"I'll walk," Edward retorted in ire.
Jasper went first, then Edward, then Emmett, and I trailed up behind.
Edward took the first deer and consumed it perfunctorily. The second he seemed to take in more slowly and by the end seemed calmer.
Better? I asked.
He nodded once.
"Do you need more?" I asked out loud for the other's sake.
"No, thank you," he replied turning towards the basement.
Like every time when he entered the house he froze for a nanosecond, took in a deep breath, and then with forced determination moved once more. Walking in the direction of his present living quarters, he took in big gulps of air.
You're smelling Bella, I reminded him.
His face looked like he was upset at my statement, his lips in a thin line pressed firmly together.
It seemed that I was just hurting him, even though that was the opposite of my intention.
Once we were in the basement, Jasper and Emmett left without saying anything.
After collecting my thoughts, I told him, I didn't mean to upset you, Edward. You are my first son and I love you dearly. I only want to see you healthy and happy. You using your gift to spend time with Bella vicariously through us is against the conditions Carlisle set for you. You know this.
He nodded sadly appearing remorseful.
I accept your apology from before. I cannot help those flashes. Intellectually, I know you meant me no harm.
He looked at me with tremendous sadness and regret.
And I apologise for how I approached your discomfort with the idea of changing Bella. I know you only want the best for her. Please understand from my point of view. Charles thought he knew what was best for me, too. That is not the kind of man I want you to be, even in the slightest.
"I would never," he growled sounding threatening, which resulted in me flinching just slightly. Edward in turn appeared deeply apologetic.
Moving on, I told him, This is true that you would never set out to hurt her, and that you are nothing like Charles in your motives. I mention it to explain some why your behaviour unsettled me so much.
He nodded like he understood.
You were raised to protect and defend women. This is a great quality and honourable. However, there is a limit. Many men at the time struggled to know where that line was, and women were hurt and abused as a result. The balance, Edward, is to protect and defend while also allowing the lady to have a strong voice and mind along with trusting her to make wise choices. Certainly Bella is fragile due to her being human, but she is also incredibly strong. You cannot equate the external with the internal. I have always agreed with you that this modern era has lost much of what was valuable from our era in their pursuit of equal rights, but at the same time, they do have a point that in many ways men and women are equally as capable, and Bella is a modern woman. Who she loves, who she becomes, what she becomes are her choices. We can guide and recommend, but in the end she gets to decide. When any of us fail to do that, we are failing her and ourselves. If I don't do that, then I risk being paternal in a patronizing way that attempts to take away her free will.
He looked like the Biblical story of Jacob and the angel wrestling were happening within him.
You can hope she'll choose a certain path, and Carlisle and I want you to tell her your past. Perhaps if you told her about your struggles and rebellious period in more details, she might see the world as you do and agree with you. But what is unacceptable is using your strength, skills, gifts, and her care for others against her. Do you understand what I'm trying to explain here?
"Yes, ma'am," he replied his voice shaking.
Please do a better job in the future in refraining from spending time with Bella vicariously through us, I requested.
"Yes, ma'am," he stated, although I could hear the wavering.
You can do anything you put your mind to, Edward. I've seen you over and over accomplish incredible feats. This is no different. I suspect you are struggling because a part of you really wants to keep doing it. You miss her.
He nodded sadly.
Then work hard at proving yourself trustworthy.
Taking a breath, he looked up at me. "I tried to do right by her, but only hurt her, the family, and myself."
You thought you were right. Your error was in making the decision for Bella instead of along side Bella.
He looked down again in disgust.
Being wrong makes you imperfect, Edward. Don't be ashamed. Does not the scriptures say that all have fallen short of the glory of God?
He started laughing in a way that was unhinged. When he sobered up he said, "We're below the scale of the fallen as implied in that verse."
Then, it wouldn't say all. And the scriptures say that God sent his only begotten son to be the saviour for all. You are no exception.
"I disagree," he stated crisply.
You may disagree. I see you much differently than you see yourself. This is true. The point I'm trying to make here is that you making a mistake does not necessarily make you a monster. It makes you imperfect. I have forgiven you. Your family has forgiven you. And when you show yourself in enough control, you can ask Bella for forgiveness. In the mean time, work at forgiving yourself. Learn your lesson and let the guilt and shame go.
His face looked similar to when Bella was trying to do complicated math problems.
You might not believe that you deserve forgiveness, but it is yours nonetheless. Learn, grow, mature, change, and show yourself worthy.
"I am trying," he told me.
Moving towards him slower than usual, I wrapped him in a hug. I know you are. I see your efforts. Keep it up, and remember what I said about allowing the people you love the freedom to live their own lives and respecting their choices.
"Yes, ma'am," he answered.
Pulling back some I slapped his cheek lightly twice. You're a great kid. I'm proud to call you mine.
Looking bashful, he uttered, "Thanks." After taking in a deep breath he muttered, "But maybe I don't want to be a kid anymore."
With a penetrative gaze I told him authoritatively, "Then don't be."
Surprised at my statement, I could see that he wasn't sure how to take what I said.
I love you Edward. You will always be my first son.
Turning, I left to go upstairs.
"I'm going on a run," I let everyone know as I left.
Once I was outside of Edward's range, I allowed my mind to wander over all that had been said between us. I wasn't sure if being tough on Edward was going to help, in a similar way to my ignorance of how to parent Bella, but I had coddled him through the decades and that seemed to have done little good for him. Hopefully for us all he'd get a handle on his bloodlust and his gift soon.
A/N: Please let me know if the timeline movement was too confusing. I look forward to your thoughts about the chapter.