Chapter 2: Self-Control Is The Answer
It took Edward far longer to master his bloodlust and gift than we had expected, often making one or the other a focus of Carlisle's and my chats.
"Carlisle, Edward admitted to me that he is accompanying us when we are with Bella," I told him over the phone when he had called.
"Is that so?" Carlisle repeated back to me his disappointment clear.
"I suspect that his longing for her is overshadowing his morals," I explained.
"I see," Carlisle uttered stiltedly sounding tired.
"We trusted that he would behave above reproach," I stated to him needing to reiterate why there was so much disappointment apparent in my tone.
"I will speak to him the next time I am there," he assured me, trying to comfort me in his own way.
"Thank you," I replied, acknowledging how he was meeting my request, before asking him how his day had been.
Our next conversations were much more like our regular mundane ones.
The kids first week of college had gone well enough.
"How are they minding your guidelines?" I asked Bella on the first Saturday night after classes had started with her door closed, so we could have some privacy.
"Good," she told me confidently.
"I'm glad," I said. Then, with a smile requested more details.
She smiled back at me, teased me for being such a mom, but the glint in her eye made it clear that she was revelling in it, and offered me the details. Her willingness to do so demonstrated how far our relationship had come.
That same day, after Bella was asleep, Carlisle joined us in Bellingham. First thing, after greeting me, he travelled into the basement and spoke with Edward, as the couples were out, and thus we had privacy in the house.
I busied myself in the kitchen making snacks and treats for Bella.
Initially when Carlisle first broached the subject, Edward argued that Carlisle and I were asking the impossible.
"It's almost instinctual," Edward growled out.
"So was your bloodlust as a newborn or your inability to hear everyone within miles, yet you have mastered a level of control over both these things," Carlisle pointed out.
Words too quiet for me to hear combined with what was most likely Carlisle speaking mentally to Edward resulted in what I imagined to be an almost silent argument until Edward ranted, "It's not like I want to be confined to see her through other's minds. Mike's were vile as were Jessica's, but I needed to see her. I can't help it." The tone was one of utter defeat, so unlike the young man I knew.
My heart broke at the tone, but I had given into believing his words and arguments before we left, and I wouldn't this time.
You can, I told Edward.
Carlisle must have said something similar, because a heavy sigh from Edward followed. Then, with a deep saddened tone he confessed, "I love her so much that it hurts. I want her safe, but the pull to her is so great. I returned to Forks despite my best attempts to stay away. To now have her nearby and not glimpse at her, even through others eyes is unbearably painful. It's bad enough I can't see her at all when she's out of the house or in her room alone."
"You chose to leave her," Carlisle rebutted his tone soft and compassionate. "That is the path and the consequences you chose."
"I thought I was doing the right thing. And I came back," Edward retorted his tone half angry, half self-condemnation.
"You did, but not in a healthy state of mind. Your present frustrations are the costs of your choices. You returned because you missed her. You still miss her, despite her close proximity. These facts do not excuse your boorish behaviour, especially your unwillingness to find control over this and respect Bella's privacy," Carlisle pointed out gently.
"It's much harder than I imagined," Edward admitted.
"It is very hard, I agree," Carlisle declared. "However, we choose not to live like animals possessing and domineering our other halves, even if our nature might incline us to. We tame this beast like all the others and we give each other the ability to be our fullest selves."
There was another long period of silence, most likely indicating silent communication transpiring between them.
"I will try," Edward vowed, "I will attempt to not focus my concentration to a person's mind if they were with Bella. Nevertheless, I cannot guarantee that I will not pick her up or be entranced before I am even aware of where my mind has gone."
It was a half-hearted agreement, but seemed to be the most he was able to offer to do for the time being, so Carlisle did not press further.
Sunday Carlisle enjoyed the family's company, and made sure to spend time with Bella.
The next week I stayed in Bellingham again. Bella's tension, which had been coming off her in waves the week before, seemed to have dissipated some. The advantage of her working at the coffee shop was that she often came back smelling like coffee, masking to a small degree her scent. We had asked her to stay in her room after a shower until she was dry, so she often didn't shower until right before bed.
By mid-October Bella was more settled and Edward had made some progress with Bella's scent on her clothing. It was frustrating him, as he would have excellent control and then Jasper would do something to catch him off guard and Edward would show himself to be out of control once more. I suspected that Alice was helping her husband find the best ways of testing Edward's bloodlust. I was glad that they were both taking Bella's safety so seriously, although I sometimes wondered if they didn't enjoy the process a little. It certainly was a boost to Jasper.
That first weekend of Bella's planned time to visit Charlie she took the weekend off from work. We left Friday early afternoon, and she and I travelled together in her truck. The plan was for her to stay with Charlie for the weekend. Even though she didn't say anything about it, her presence in Forks also meant Carlisle and I would be guarding her.
Until we got to the ferry Bella seemed to need silence, so I gave it to her, enjoying the scenery. On the ferry we exited the car and found a table inside. She ate the lunch I had packed for her, seemingly to not even register the flavours.
When her food was gone, as an icebreaker into her thoughts, I asked her, "How would you describe the first month of school?"
"Thrilling, exciting, overwhelming," she answered in a rush.
She had told me some of the details through the weeks regarding individual classes, but it was nice to get this overview.
"Glad you're attending?" I checked.
"For the fifth time, yes," she answered with a grin.
"Is the English intro class still your favourite?" I wondered.
"For sure," she told me easily. "The books are different than anything I've read before. The expectations are fine, although the grading is rough."
"Perhaps they're intending to show you the areas for you to improve," I suggested.
"Probably," she agreed, "either way I'm enjoying it."
"Everyone minding your rules?" I verified.
"So far," she answered with a smile like there was an inside joke to her response.
But I didn't press it, instead enquiring, "How's work?"
"Hard, gruelling, but good," she let me know.
"Can you describe what you like about it?" I questioned.
After a pause she told me, "Honestly, I like that I'm taking care of myself. I like earning my keep and doing something productive. It's not curing cancer, but I like making people's day a little better each morning."
"You continuing to add to that savings account?" I checked.
"Yup," she told me, shining brightly clearly proud of herself.
"I'm glad, Bella," I congratulated her. "I'm really proud of you."
"Thanks," she muttered bashfully.
When we were in her truck once more with her behind the wheel she asked, "What has Edward decided?"
Sighing heavily this was a topic of conversation I had expected, but didn't want to have. "Truth?" I offered to her.
"Absolutely," she requested.
"He is struggling. There is a part of him that wants to keep anyone from becoming what we are, as a result of how he sees himself."
"Is that because of his years of consuming human blood?" she questioned.
Her question indicated that she had given this a lot of thought and was trying to understand.
"In some ways," I agreed. "It is also a reflection of his interpretation of Carlisle's mental understanding of vampires."
She eyed me speculatively.
"You have to understand that Carlisle hunted the creature that changed him. He grew up believing in true evil and in supernatural creatures. Those beliefs were firmly planted in Edward as a newborn. Carlisle also believes that vampires, like all creatures, are capable of redemption and tries to live in harmony with the world. Edward took on much of Carlisle's beliefs about vampires, but seemed convinced, particularly after drinking human blood that vampires are truly soulless creatures. Because of that Edward would not want you to become something he sees as fallen."
She bit her lower lip in response to my words, appearing to ponder them deeply. After a while she asked, albeit hesitantly, "Does that mean he is objecting?"
"Therein lies his struggle. He can see through our memories what you've shared with us about this topic. He knows this is what you're choosing and believes in the importance of free will. Thus, his views on vampires are at odds with his desire to grant others the right to choose."
"That must be hard on him," she mused after a bit.
"Yes," I agreed.
"Can his views on vampirism be changed?" she questioned.
"I can't change them," I told her bluntly, "but I would be supportive of you trying to budge him."
"After he's safe?" she checked.
"Yes, after he's safe," I verified. "Be warned, my sweet girl, he's a stubborn mule."
"I can be too," she insisted her face appearing cross.
"Of that I have no doubt," I said to her in a light manner a smile on my face.
She smiled sheepishly at me.
"May I make a suggestion?" I wondered.
"Sure," she told me with a slight vacillation.
"Live your life," I told her with as much strength in my tone that I thought she could handle.
She lifted her eyebrow and had a look of disbelief.
"Go to parties, be safe, but go, make friends, join a club, go on a date with someone who asks you," I encouraged her.
Her mouth opened up a little in surprise. Then, as the minutes passed, she frowned.
"What is it?" I pressed.
Taking in a deep breath she appeared to gather her courage before speaking, "I don't want my friendships with anyone to hurt them or pull them into the world of the supernatural."
Smiling ruefully I commented, "You're such a thoughtful tender-hearted caring young woman, Bella."
She reddened under my words.
"We all have these concerns. Thus, we are careful. Don't invite anyone over to our place. Tell us where you are and your plans if you change them. Call us if there's an emergency or if your instincts tell you something is wrong. But generally, Bella, even if it's for a short time, it's worth enjoying the company of others. The flowers might only bloom for a few weeks, but that doesn't mean we close our minds or hearts to them. Yes, we invite a bit of grief when they fade away, but it is worth the sense of loss we experience as our lives have been made richer as a result. Don't close your heart off from others because of your fears."
She seemed to consider this for a long time. Then she questioned, "If that's the case, then why did Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, and Edward keep to themselves and purposefully rebuke the others?"
"In part because of the risk inherent in small towns," I tried to explain, "and high school particularly due to gossip, which isn't the case at college, but also due to the temperament and struggles of them. Rosalie hates change, although she's getting better about it. Emmett was afraid of hurting anyone and generally follows Rosalie's lead. Jasper struggles with his bloodlust, and so Alice keeps her distance for his sake. Edward's distance has much to do with reading minds and poor past experiences than anything else."
"What do you mean by poor past experiences?" she pressed.
"You should ask Edward," I told him. "I have encouraged him to tell you his story once it is safe for the two of you to be around each other."
After a moment she asked, "So, it hasn't always been like Forks?"
Shaking my head, I told her truthfully, "No, it hasn't, and both Carlisle and I have acquaintances wherever we live. Carlisle mostly has colleagues. When there were doctor's wives committees at the hospital, I was a part of that. Now, I join some volunteer organization that needs assistance in the community."
She had a look of awe. "Which ones do you work with in Forks?"
"One to improve the library in Forks and another to offer remedial tutoring in reading and writing for elementary-aged children," I told her.
"Couldn't you just give them the money?" she questioned.
"Of course, but it comes with a social price that often garnishes attention we can't afford. Instead, I will often recommend applying to a grant that comes from one of our non-profit gift-giving organizations, which will certainly give the money, but money doesn't always have the answer. The organization needs to have a purpose, a need, someone who will carry it through after we leave, and a desire from the community for these things. I try to bring ideas and suggestions to assist them in meeting their needs, but ultimately, the community is not mine before I arrived and it won't be mine after I leave. Like the flowers, I am temporary. While there, however, I try to make the lives I touch lighter."
She looked at me in reverence.
"You could do this too, Bella. You could touch the lives of all those with whom you are in contact, whether that be at work or at school. Touching people's lives for the better, and bringing them joy doesn't mean being separate. And you can share with others your struggles, even if it doesn't include the details," I advised.
She shook her head. "You make it sound so simple, so straightforward when I know from your stories it's not so easy."
With a serious tone I agreed with her, "It is difficult. You're right. I often want to do more than what others want. I am often frustrated by their limited visions and unwillingness to do the work to make their community better. I am often sad about the choices others make, but then there are these moments when I meet a truly incredible individual and for me it makes it worth it."
She smiled slightly. "Thanks, Esme."
"Whatever for?" I asked completely confused.
"For encouraging me, for sharing your wisdom, for just everything."
"You're welcome," I told her even though I didn't think I had anything to be thanked for. When it seemed like she wasn't going to add anything more I told her, "If you're struggling to find balance, let me know. It's tricky to live authentic lives that touch others for the better when there is so much about our lives that we must keep secret."
"Yeah," she mumbled under her breath clearly lost in thought.
She drove me to the house and dropped me off and then took herself home. Naturally, I followed her on foot to her place, texted Carlisle that I was outside of Bella's house, and waited for him.
Bella and Charlie said very little to each other, but nonetheless seemed to enjoy each other's company. It was after they had both gone to bed that Carlisle's gait could be heard.
"Hello my love," he whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me.
"How are things?" I enquired.
"Well enough," he stated.
Raising an eyebrow at him, my look demanded that he explain himself.
"There's a junior doctor that is about the age I'm posing as, and he is attempting to find a manner in which I am incompetent," he explained.
"He is jealous?" I wondered.
"Perhaps," he allowed, "nevertheless he poses some danger to exposing me. He often mutters to himself about my techniques or diagnoses, but I'm not about to alter how I doctor."
"What about that time when there was something similar and you were able to get the doctor promoted?" I offered after going back through my memories.
"That worked," he explained, "because the other doctor was good at his job and the promotion opened up. This doctor is struggling. It seems like he's suffering from a mild mental illness of his own, then there is the part where there are no promotions available."
"Can you change shifts so that you don't have to work with him?" I wondered.
"I did that already," he informed me, "and he's taken to checking all my diagnoses and when he can get away with it changing them." He sighed heavily. "I am loathed to do so, but I see no other option than to mention it to the chief of staff."
Thinking back to my conversations with Bella, I suggested to him, "Maybe you could mention it to Bella and ask her opinion."
He looked at me surprised.
"Apart from her being human, she thinks in ways we don't, and it might be a way to continue repairing your relationship with her," I pointed out.
Pursing his lips, he appeared to be considering it. After a few moments he asked me, "How are things with you since last weekend?"
"About the same. Like I said on the phone, Edward is feeding about every four days, able to control himself better, and bloodlust regarding Bella is making slow but positive steps. Everyone else are doing well, and I would even say pleased to be assisting Edward, since he usually is the one assisting them. And he claims to be working on staying out of our minds when we are with Bella."
Like how I had appreciated Bella telling me the overview, I suspected Carlisle appreciated the same.
"Any new problems living with Bella?" he enquired.
"The same ones, but everyone seems to be handling it fine. It helps that Bella is gone most of the day. She leaves about 4am for her shifts, 7am on the days when she doesn't work, and most days gets back about 2pm. I suspect that she likes that her classes are after work, and therefore she's done early. The kids, unlike her, chose classes in the late afternoon and evening, so they often pass each other. We're all hunting regularly, as we've done these past weeks, but we all could do with a long weekend trip with bigger game, Edward included."
"Does someone need to stay with her?" he wondered.
"Probably us," I stated after a moment's thought. "I don't like the idea of our scent being saturated around the area, drawing others to the house, and then there be no one there. Also, I doubt any of the boys would want to miss that kind of hunting. They all could do with it, honestly."
"Then, you and I, with Edward, if necessary, could go the following weekend?" he proposed.
A text came in from Alice less than a minute later We all agree. Edward will go both weekends, more than anything to stretch his legs.
"Good, it's agreed," Carlisle stated with an indulgent smile.
"I think college is really doing her well," I commented a few hours later. We had changed positions and were sitting on the forest floor, his arms wrapped around me.
"How so?" he asked.
"She seems to be more coming into her own," I told him.
"Well, that seems to be one of the purposes of college for this modern young generation," he mused.
"She is keeping her end of the bargain," I pointed out. "Has she met your requirements?" I wondered.
"Yes," he said softly, "although I will wait for her to ask herself. It would do well if she was stronger in this way. And I would greatly enjoy her parents being able to watch her graduate from college."
"That is at least four years away, if not five," I mentioned. "Honestly, I don't know if Bella will wait that long. Additionally, as much as I dislike this reality, given Bella's family discussion before school started, I suspect that Edward's joke about her being a danger magnet might not be entirely untrue. Then, there is just the sheer impossibility that we will go that long without visitors. Someone passes by at least once a year. If it's not Garrett, then it's Charlotte and Peter, if not them, then it's Randall or the Denalis, or how many times over the decades has Demetri popped by? We're taking a terrible risk to give her a few more years," I stated needing to speak the obvious.
"I know," he agreed.
"And we're not telling her?" I questioned.
"If we do, her selfless nature will want to take this from us, but it is our gift to her," he stated.
"And we all agreed," I concurred. "Just as long as there's no denial or misunderstanding."
"No, none," he spoke clearly. "I have spoken privately to each person in addition to the family discussion. Edward is budging some in his objections to change her, and is especially in agreement of waiting, and Jasper the least, but even he acknowledges the benefits of waiting in the long run."
"Are the Quiluetes coming to guard her at all this weekend?" I wondered.
"My understanding is that she and Charlie are going over there all day today," he told me.
Raising an eyebrow at him, I nonverbally demanded that he explain.
"Sam calls regularly to inform me of any activity he picks up and if his guarding of Charlie moved into neutral territory or ours," he explained to me.
"Glad that things are improving with this new pack," I told him.
"Me too," he agreed smiling like he had won the lottery.
"I made them food and brought it down in Bella's truck via coolers. She is meant to give it to them when she sees them," I informed him.
"Between the two of us we make a formidable team," he teased.
"Deadly," I teased back with a huge smile on my face. After a few moments had passed, I asked him, "How are you doing, really my love?"
"I am finding the nights long and lonely," he admitted.
"Perhaps after this next week, I shall spend the week here in Forks with you," I offered.
"The family comes first," he insisted.
"A few days alone would not do them harm," I told him flirtatiously.
"Perhaps not," he agreed, smiling at me.
"It will be near Halloween by then," I highlighted.
"Yes," he uttered as if unaware of what he was saying. "Yes, it is."
"Will the hospital be holding an event that we will need to attend?" I questioned.
"No, not this year," he told me.
"Would they appreciate it if I came and helped decorate?" I wondered.
He smiled at me, "Yes, they would." Then, after a pause he added, "Shall I take All Saints Day off?"
"Only if you desire," I told him truthfully. "We have honoured the dead in the wee hours before. We can again."
"Flowers?" he enquired.
"I was thinking trees," I rebutted.
"That would be a grove," he told me in surprise.
"For as many trees as Edward has destroyed in anger or frustration or the boys getting too rough, I think a grove is just right," I explained with a touch of playfulness.
"Touché," he replied.
We sat in silence enjoying each other's company until Charlie and Bella got into Bella's truck with Charlie driving. We followed them until the truck crossed into the Quileute lands. The guardians could be seen. We nodded in their direction and they in ours.
"Be safe," I told them in my motherly tone before we turned around and ran back to our home.
We spent the day enjoying each other physically spending much needed time reuniting. We both had agreed that our present arrangement was for the family's best interest, but it was hard on Carlisle and I to be away from each other for so many days at such a distance. I had already driven down once this week after Bella was asleep and had been back before she had awoken, but the four hours we had spent in each other's presence at a halfway point hadn't been nearly enough.
Once more we spent the evening keeping an eye on the Swans and enjoying the simple presence of the other.
Sunday the Swans spent the day in the house together. Bella did laundry and made food, while Charlie watched sports.
He asked how college was going and she answered, "Good," to which he asked nothing else. Later in the day he asked, "How is it living with the Cullens?"
"Like ships passing in the night. I'm an early riser, especially because of my job, and they like to start classes at like four or something. I rarely see them, actually."
"Hmph," he muttered in a sound that might have been approval. "And Esme?" he asked after a lengthy pause. From the sounds it had been the next commercial break.
"She's been busy setting things up, but she makes sure I'm out the door on time with a lunch bag and then eat dinner when I get home," she told him with a tone somewhere between irritated and appreciative and embarrassed.
"I thought she was staying in Forks?" he questioned.
"She's only in Bellingham temporarily. When she's got everything in the house to her liking, I'm sure she'll return to Forks." Much later she asked, "You think you'll take the drive up and see it?"
"We'll see," he answered.
His non-committal answer, his lack of enthusiasm in her life bothered me, but it wasn't my place and Carlisle had already warned me to stay out of it.
As Bella drove to our place we ran with her. Once she arrived, I grabbed my bag, gave it to Carlisle to place in the cab of her truck, and got into Carlisle's car while he slid into the passenger seat of her truck.
The incredulous look she gave him was apparent, even across the drive and through two planes of glass. I chuckled softly.
"I'm having a problem at work," Carlisle told her once she had started onto the main road, "and Esme said you might think of a way of approaching it that we wouldn't."
"Alright," she replied hesitantly.
The distance between her truck and me was close enough to hear them, although the sounds of the engines meant I had to pay attention and tune into them.
"I have this fellow doctor at work that is upset at my skills and seems to be attempting to find fault in me in order to get me fired," he told her.
"But, let me guess, you're too perfect," she stated with mirth. After a few minutes she asked, "Ever have this problem before?"
"Certainly," Carlisle told her.
"How did you handle those ones?" she wondered.
So he told her in detail what had happened, what he had done, and the outcomes.
"And none of those approaches worked?" she verified.
"He is a competent enough doctor, but I can't afford the scrutiny," Carlisle admitted.
"Maybe it's because you're too perfect," she told him point black.
"Excuse me?" Carlisle asked clearly taken back.
"It's what told me everyone wasn't human," she explained easily. "Humans are imperfect, messy creatures. We trip, we write illegibly, we drop our pens and papers, we forget things."
"I'm not going to compromise the health of my patients," he told her sounding indulgent.
"How about Alice make you a series of wigs that causes you to have a receding hairline?" she suggested a slight mirth in her tone.
"How would that help?" Carlisle asked bewildered.
"I'm thinking that maybe he's jealous, so he's thinking no one can be that perfect. As a result, he's looking for a flaw, somewhere you've messed up. But if you look like you're losing your hair, then maybe he can find something in which he's better than you and ease off," she told him.
"I shall talk to Alice," he agreed, but I could tell that he was baffled from his tone. "However, I should mention that the last time we had such a discussion it wasn't feasible."
There were a few minutes before she spoke again, "What if you took up smoking?"
"That would work?" he questioned sounding mystified.
When we had smoked in the past we had only done so to fit in, as the other humans smoked. Now it was seen as being bad for a person's health.
"It's a way to show you imperfect that doesn't negatively impact patients," she pointed out. "You'd need a good excuse too, like you and Esme are struggling with your marriage now that it's just the two of you. Most doctors might be excellent at their jobs, but it's at the detriment of their wives and family. You're just too perfect, Carlisle."
I could only imagine the look on his face at him lying about our relationship.
"Whatever you need," I told him. "Might even have the women warm to me."
"I get not drawing attention to yourselves," Bella added in a rush like she was justifying herself, "but being so perfect in all facets of your life isn't normal."
There were a few minutes of silence and then Carlisle told her sounding a little contrite, "It used to be." When she said nothing more he continued, "Since I was born humans strove to demonstrate to their other community members their standing by being hospitable, polite, working hard, and being upstanding. Flaws were hidden and seen as weaknesses. People might have been envious of our looks, but it was generally assumed that our flaws were kept secret, which was true in a way." Then with a sigh he said, "So much has changed."
After a couple of minutes Bella replied, "Not so much, especially in a small town like Forks. Humans are still competing against each other to be at the top of whatever pyramid determines their world. You just want to make sure you're not at the top, otherwise others will want to knock you down. And, in my opinion, in this case, appearing unperfect will do the trick."
"Thank you for the advice," he offered.
We knew and agreed with her premise, but as I had told him her solution looked different than we had discussed.
They talked some about her classes. He was particularly interested in her Biology class, naturally. It was nice to hear them converse in this way.
When we got to the ferry Carlisle came and took the car back to Forks while I continued on with Bella.
"Thank you for offering your assistance," I told Bella.
"No biggy," she refuted.
"It was appreciated just the same," I insisted.
After telling her the plan regarding the hunting trips over the next two weekends, we chatted a little about what the Quileutes thought about my food, what I should change, and how much I should make the next time. The conversation was appreciated.
She told me that the time with her Dad and the Quileuetes, including Jake, were "Good." She seemed to imply that the fact that she was living with us and returning to Forks human had eased something with the Quiluetes. It sounded like she had spent much of the time with Emily baking and had appreciated doing so. I wasn't sure how, but it seemed like somehow in the last month she had found a way forward with her Dad, the Quileutes, school, and us. I was incredibly proud of her, and told her so.
In the next week when the kids were in school and Bella was asleep, I went to speak with Edward. Although I often spent time with him, usually it was by merely being present with him in his space. This time I confronted him.
Have you considered the possibility that Bella will outgrow her connection to you? I asked to determine if he had considered the possible options.
"Yes," he admitted unable to meet my eyes. After a prolonged silence he added, "I suspect that she is already doing so. She is 19 now."
"That she is," I agreed.
"I will forever be stuck at 17 in some ways," he stated bitterly.
Yet, there are multiple variances of maturity at 17, I pointed out, and just because your body is 17 doesn't mean that your thoughts, emotions, or behaviours need to be.
He looked at me like I had said something ridiculous.
"Tell me that you at 17 weren't different than Jasper at 17 or Emmett or Carlisle," I prodded.
He looked down saying nothing.
I know what Carlisle and I are asking is difficult for you, Edward, but it is also a path towards increased maturity. If you want to win Bella's heart, then you will need to show yourself to be worthy of her.
"I know," he growled clearly upset.
That means taking her opinions into account. That means not being ruled by your emotions. It means being the best version of yourself.
He sighed. "I shall never be worthy of her."
"Perhaps not completely," I agreed knowing him well enough that it was highly doubtful that he would ever feel completely worthy. But perhaps enough to win her heart once more. She gave it to you once.
"I shouldn't," he stated as if in an argument with himself.
"Why not?" I asked pressing him.
"She deserves better," he stated unequivocally.
"Perhaps," I told him even though I disagreed, but if you is what she wants, then who are you to reject that.
"Reject?" he asked appalled that I would suggest such a thing.
What is it that you are suggesting if not unrequited love? I questioned.
"She might think I was rejecting her," he whispered as if he hadn't heard me.
"I would," I confessed.
"You thought Carlisle had rejected you," he muttered as if speaking a blasphemy.
"You know that I did," I pointed out.
"I had dismissed it as a fleeting fear rather than what you believed," he admitted.
"I see," I told him, understanding what he was trying to say a bit better.
His eyes got bigger. "Oh no," he mumbled.
"What did you do?" I enquired softly hoping he would open up to me.
"She believes that I don't love her, that I rejected her," he muttered horrified.
"Yes," I concurred. Did you give her any reason to have her believe otherwise?
"All the time," he growled. "Two thousand, six hundred, and seventy-three times I told her that I loved her."
"You left," I countered.
He looked absolutely grief stricken.
Unable to stay away any more, I went over to him and pulled his shoulders near me.
His body shook with anguish. Finally he mumbled lowly, "How can one choice undo so many words?"
"Actions speak louder," I whispered back. After a long while and after his sobs had decreased I told him. A part of maturity is being able to speak honestly, to listen completely and earnestly, and to accept the words of another as their truth.
He sighed once more clearly disliking what I said.
Rosalie and Emmett came home and then later Alice and Jasper, but none came to join me.
When the sounds of water moving through the house started, I told Edward, "I need to go and make her breakfast."
"Of course," he replied with a cadence that had been his usual manner of speech when I had been a newborn.
Although Edward and I continued to spend time together, I didn't bring it up again and neither did he.
Halloween came and left without incident. Carlisle and I honoured All Saints Day with a grove, as we had discussed. Selflessly, I hoped that it would be a significant dent into repairing the damage our sons had done to the forest. Alice had informed me that Bella had gone to a party and she and Jasper had kept an eye on her from some nearby trees.
My next encounter with Bella I asked her about her thoughts on the party she had attended. The only answer I got was that it was "Okay." I pressed her a little, but she didn't seem able to articulate her feelings on the matter.
Maybe, like Edward, she wasn't a fan of large congregations of people.
We seemed to settle into a comfortable routine in November. I spent most of the time in Forks, as Edward was deemed to no longer need a constant companion, although he was still sequestered in the basement.
Carlisle spoke to Alice about the wig idea and she told him that she would look into it. Disliking Bella's idea of smoking, I suspect from a purely prideful reason, Carlisle told me that he started stumbling, dropping pens, and other small mishaps when there was no risk to others and after he had been on shift for a while and presumably tired. Ironically, Bella had been right to some extent and Carlisle's colleague had stopped looking for anything suspicious, although he continued to be extremely competitive as well as trying to show Carlisle to have made a diagnostic mistake. We both decided that the concern over Carlisle's other worldliness had dissipated at least for the moment, thanks in large part to Bella's perspective.
Thanksgiving was the first time we didn't go on a family hunt in many decades, since it was Bella's second time travelling to Forks to visit Charlie. The Wednesday she was planning on driving down I had flown up to them.
Alice and Jasper picked me up at the airport, with her reporting that she still hadn't seen any issues over the holiday, except for the parts where the Swans planned on going to the Reservation. The final decision was that everyone else, Edward included, would go together hunting while Carlisle and I stayed in Forks, him working some, but mostly him and I keeping an eye on Bella.
Rosalie was in a huff about the plan, even when I arrived, as she didn't like us seven not being together for the holiday. Unfortunately she had been out voted and had relented to the need to keep Bella safe. When we embraced I whispered in her ear, "It's only temporarily." Fortunately, that seemed to calm her ire some.
As planned, Bella and I drove down together with her talking about her classes, work, and a few outings with her classmates that she had gone to. The entire journey I said very little, solely making minor comments and asking questions here and there. More than anything, I noticed that she was coming into herself. She spoke more assuredly, excited about the world. My imaginings of my own letters to Carlisle when I had been in college came to mind. College, even in that context, shaped the mind and honed the intellect. It was a pleasure to watch that happen to Bella. Additionally, the time away from her had given us lots to talk about, so it was only after the ferry passage that she asked her always present concern, "How is Edward?"
"He is nearly his old self," I answered her. "In fact Carlisle believes that he is ready for the next stage of descentulization."
"Oh, that's good," she said with a smile on her face. After a brief pause she asked, "What is the next stage?"
"Your blood," I told her.
She blanched, her teeth pulling her lower lip into their grasp.
"Would you feel comfortable with Carlisle drawing some?" I enquired.
A moment later she answered, "Yes, as long as it's nothing more than that."
"You may speak to him, but he has solemnly sworn," I explained. "Of course, you could ask Rosalie to do it, if you wish, she does have some medical training after all."
"When?" she asked as if I hadn't mentioned about Rosalie at all.
"At the house right before we leave," I told her. "He'll come up the following weekend to administer the trials."
"So, everyone will be at the house next weekend?" she verified.
"That's the plan," I confirmed.
"Christmas?" she questioned.
"Yet to be determined," I answered. "We're still hoping Charlie will come to us."
"Renee?" Bella wondered.
"Welcome, of course," I told her.
"Could I go there?" she asked.
"Naturally, although with Alice probably," I stated.
She sighed.
"What is it?" I wondered.
"I'd like to not have any escorts," she admitted.
"Our nerves could not take that," I explained honestly.
Nodding the once, her body language conveyed that she knew this already, even if she didn't really like it.
"Did you expect anything else when you announced your desire to be a Cullen?" I pressed her confused on her reactions.
After a few moments she told me, "I honestly hadn't thought about it, but if I had taken the time to fully consider the consequences to my request, it would not be that unrealistic. I am a danger magnet and you all want to keep me safe. The logical step is to make sure two people are nearby at all times. We agreed to this. I was there. I just didn't realize how claustrophobic I would feel. I have been a single child and independent for a long time now."
"Does it help if I tell you that being in Forks earlier this year was the first time since Edward's rebellious years that I was in a house alone?"
Her eyes grew and her top teeth once more nibbled on her lip. "That's huge," she stated in awe.
"Perhaps," I allowed, "but I mention it to show that one thing that makes us Cullens different is that we nearly always have at least one other person with us. It is more than liking each other's company, which we do, but it's also about covering each other's backs. Edward was the most likely to not adhere to this, but I've always believed it was because he was the only single man in the midst of three pairs coupled with his gift."
"And now?" she pressed.
"It is a part of Carlisle's expectations with Edward these past months," I told her.
"I don't understand," she admitted after a few minutes in silence.
"Because Edward was Carlisle's first companion, at that time, each had nearly half the say, and watched out for each other. When Carlisle changed me, Edward became a kind of third wheel and started to do things alone. Carlisle didn't say much, because Edward claimed to be giving us time alone to be a couple. And although we did appreciate it, we failed to recognise that it placed Edward as the man out looking in. Part of Carlisle's expectations is that Edward make himself more of a member," I explained.
"That expectation has already been given to me," Bella realized shortly after.
"Yes," I agreed.
"I see," she stated.
"You do?" I questioned doubting her.
"Even though I am given the illusion of privacy, there is always someone else there in the shadows. Someone is always watching my back," she admitted.
"Two, actually, since that's what we had agreed," I pointed out.
"Yes, we did," she concurred.
By the time we arrived at our house so she could drop me off, she seemed lost in her thoughts. I trailed her back to Charlie's and then stood guard. The weekend went well and she permitted Carlisle to draw blood Sunday before she and I left. The following week I stayed in Bellingham and Friday late evening Carlisle arrived.
We did the first test with Edward while we were all in the basement, as we decided having him contained would be best. Carlisle had placed some of Bella's donated blood relatively recently on a towel and then had placed it in a ziplock bag. I could smell her scent along with the smells accompanying plastic, but it was diluted by the sealed tomb in was in. We were all present, prepared to restrain Edward, when Carlisle opened it. It took only the smallest gap, then chaos rained.
Edward immediately went into a crouch clearly determined to get to the blood. Emmett moved to secure Edward, while Jasper had moved to a corner away from Edward seemingly battling the bloodlust Edward was throwing off, as he had been around Bella's blood in the past year without an issue. Rosalie moved with Emmett going in front of Edward, between him and Carlisle, who had been standing in front of Edward with about ten feet in front of them. Alice moved with Jasper trying to calm him. Carlisle and I stood motionless. Then just as everyone moved, Edward projected himself up, flattened himself like a board so that he sailed over Rosalie's head, past Emmett's hands, and then landed behind Carlisle. Carlisle turned around to face Edward, moved the bag still containing the rag behind him along with me, removed it out of the bag, and then placed the rag in my hands.
"You may not have her," Carlisle commanded in a low tone.
For a nanosecond it seemed like Edward heard Carlisle, but just as quickly he grabbed Carlisle's arms wrenching them.
By this time Emmett and Rosalie had moved to the right and left of Edward.
Edward's growl was nothing less than animalistic, a warning and a command, something I had heard from Emmett and Jasper when they had wanted to kill a human and we had prevented them. The sound was something so beast like, while also communicating something primal. Yet, in this moment I could say that the volume of it as well as the depth of the tone was intended to do nothing less than have a person quiver.
"Calm yourself," Carlisle spoke gently and softly.
"Mine," Edward growled back.
"No," Carlisle stated firmly with authority, but there was also compassion and love there.
Then, Edward moved towards Carlisle. Emmett grabbed one side of him, Rosalie the other, while Edward jutted his torso forward biting deeply into Carlisle's left arm right where the arm met the shoulder. Carlisle neither moved nor winced, as if he expected Edward would want to take a bite out of him. When Emmett and Rosalie used their combined strength to wrench Edward back, a chunk of Carlisle came with him. The sound of tearing flesh seemed to do something in Jasper. He straightened up moving into what could only be described as a military stance and took a deep breath in. Rosalie and Emmett moved together to secure Edward's arms behind him. Then, the room was coated in Jasper's faux calm, but with a touch of compliance.
Knowing a little about what Jasper was doing, I looked over at him for confirmation.
He nodded to me.
Placing the rag in Carlisle's hand, I went over to Edward.
"Let it go," I demanded.
His response was a similar growl, except perhaps with even more anger.
The emotions Jasper had sent out increased in intensity, but added to them was fidelity and familial love.
Allowing Jasper's gift to fill me, leaning into them, trusting that he sent them out for a purpose, even if it was a cocktail that he'd never before pushed into the atmosphere, I gathered my courage and my love for the son in front of me. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen that blood you smell, that you desperately want, you resisted it once, you can again. That blood is the life force of Isabella Marie Swan, otherwise known as Bella, who loves you, and you love her. That is the blood of someone you love and cherish. And you have removed a portion of your father and my husband simply because he was trying to keep you from it. Now, let it go."
For the first time since Carlisle had opened the bag, I saw Edward's eyes soften. He growled at me, but the intensity of it was weakened.
Jasper took in another deep breath and then with a precision in his steps moved towards us. He placed his hand on Edward's right forearm and closed his eyes.
Oddly Edward looked like he was sleepy or drunk, neither of which should be anatomically possible.
"Release the piece of Carlisle you have in your mouth," I instructed.
His jaw opened, while he appeared even more in a stupor, and the piece fell out.
Grabbing it, I turned towards my husband. Tearing away the fabric that was near the injury, I examined the wound carefully figuring out which way it went before aligning it. Once it was back in its correct placement, I licked along the seams making sure to drip extra amounts of my venom where Edward's teeth had made indentations. While I had repaired Carlisle, he watched me tenderly, and there were almost no sounds from behind me. We had all seemed to collectively hold our breath while I had repaired him. Even when I turned around and stood next to Carlisle the sounds of tendons and muscles being re-knitted dominated the space. The only change I could see in Edward is that his mouth had closed and it was in a thin line.
Carlisle and Jasper exchanged a glance and then Jasper removed his hand from Edward and took a step back with Alice standing next to him.
"You are welcome to try again, Edward," Carlisle told him softly and with tenderness, "but I will not be moved, as I will protect her as my own, even if it is against you."
Edward growled in response, but there wasn't the same demanding furious energy behind it.
It took hours for Edward to become completely calm. By the time he no longer needed Rosalie and Emmett to restrain him, he was full of nothing but remorse.
"Thank you for your help," Carlisle told Jasper after Edward was pacified under his own volition rather than Jasper's. "Your resistance was remarkable," he commended.
Saying nothing, Jasper simply nodded his head in the affirmative before leaving to hunt. Once Jasper and Alice returned, the rest of us went hunting, leaving the two of them to take care of Bella.
Following Edward successfully finding some game, Rosalie and Emmett went to find their own.
After Carlisle had found and drained a buck, Edward uttered, "I am so sorry," apologising to Carlisle and me.
Carlisle clasped his hand on Edward's shoulder. "I would give this and more," he told Edward earnestly.
A part of me wished that Bella were with us to see this display of how much Carlisle cared for her.
Carlisle must have added something telepathically, because the look on Edward's face was close to the desperate look he had worn when he had returned to us in 1931.
Looking back between us he repeated, "I am entirely sorry."
"Forgiven," I told him wrapping my arms around him.
"Forgiven," Carlisle reiterated standing a little to the side.
After that Edward did not lose control with the following tests, even when Carlisle brought the blood in warmed. Edward's eyes blackened and his hands were in fists, but he breathed it in and stood in his place. The tests also seemed to be improving Jasper's control, which was a wonderful added bonus. By the time Bella was finishing the semester we were as confident as we could be in Edward's abilities to be in control of his bloodlust around her.
A/N: I cannot find the story or author, so if it's you, please let me know. In the story the planting of flowers was done every year by the Cullens to honour each human life taken. I modified it here to be All Saints Day and something Carlisle and Esme do, but the idea is the same.
We are nearly to where the Prologue left off, if that helps keep on track of the timeline.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts/opinions about the events in this chapter.