Chapter 3: No Magical Wands
After Bella had finished her last final, we sat her down with the family, leaving Edward in the basement, and Carlisle explained to her our belief that she and Edward could safely share the same space, making our request clear that they not be alone together, at least for the time being. She took our stipulations better than I had expected, expressing her trust in Carlisle, much to his pleasure. For the Edward's first inclusion she seemed to choose wisely, offering for him to join us that evening for a family game night. Also, her decision to sit between Alice and Rosalie pleased me, showing her wisdom and trust in Carlisle's warnings.
Christmas also went well. Bella split her time between her father, the Quileutes, and us. December 30th the kids headed back to Bellingham, and Carlisle and I chose to accompany them, in order to monitor Edward. He even rode with Bella in her truck without incident. They spent most of the time speaking about inconsequential things. However, near our arrival to Bellingham, Edward used his wit and charms to convince her for him to attend college with the rest of them. She agreed, but with the stipulation that he follow her guidelines. I was exceedingly proud of both of them.
For the first time the eight of us sat at the dining room table for our family's annual New Year's conference, although it was held later as usual, as we had waited for Bella to get up and finish breakfast.
I was bursting with joy.
Carlisle sat at one end of the table with me to his left. Bella was next to me, and Alice next to her. Then, next sitting at the other end of the table from Carlisle was Jasper. To his left was Rosalie, then Emmett, and then Edward, who was to Carlisle's right.
"Bella had given her approval of Edward attending college," Carlisle stated simply for everyone to know the topic, since we had all heard the conversation. Looking at Edward, he told him, "In hopes that would be the case, your paperwork was already submitted and you have been accepted."
"That is much appreciated," Edward told us.
"Bella's schedule appears to be about the same as last semester," I added. "I assume you five will continue to take evening classes."
The four nodded in agreement while Edward looked at Carlisle like he wanted to object, but Carlisle must have told Edward something, as Edward frowned and said nothing.
"Did you need any changes to last semester's agreement?" Carlisle asked Bella.
Her cheeks pinked some while telling us, "No, thank you." Then, after a pause added, "Unless someone objects."
Don't you dare, I warned Edward.
He frowned and his body stiffened, but he said nothing.
When sufficient time had passed to assure her that no objections would be officially raised, she asked, "What room will yours be, Edward?"
Edward cleared his throat looking uncertain. "I thought it would be best if I stayed in the basement for the semester."
Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper looked at him in puzzlement, but said nothing.
"When Bella is here, there are to be at least two of us," I insisted ensuring that Bella's continued guarding duties were discussed openly. There was a clear implication that guarding her would include outside of the house.
"We'll make sure the schedules make that the case," Alice assured me.
"That isn't necessary," Bella insisted.
"It is," Carlisle stated leaving no room for argument. "It is unlikely that anyone of our kind would enter your workplace or pick up our scents on you while you're at school, but they are likely to come by our residence. Our friends especially know to seek out our home, and our scents would lead them here. They would never intend you harm, and are respectful of our rules, but we don't wish to chance any miscommunication. That could cause problems with our relationships with our friends and perhaps even other visitors."
"Oh," Bella said with a tone that indicated that she had begun to realize the seriousness of my request.
She said nothing more about it and we moved on. We then solidified the cover story for Edward, which we decided would be that he had been travelling and just gotten back, and made sure all the other details were firm.
"What's next?" Carlisle asked.
"Cars are all in good repair," Rosalie put in. "I modified Bella's truck for a higher speed than came standard with the appropriate adjustments for her protection if there was an accident. I have also done the standard upgrades to Esme's. The engine allows for a little more than the previous version, so it could get up to 180, even 200 if needed. The rest of the vehicles are best kept for the year. The next would be Emmett's off-roader. We should plan on that for next year and I'm estimating two hundred thousand."
Bella's jaw dropped open and she squinted at Rosalie like she had heard wrong.
Rosalie, God bless her, kept talking like this was normal no doubt deciding that giving Bella a crash course was best. "All the stored vehicles are fine for the next year. The storage company prices went up, but not enough to look for another place." Then, she looked at Bella directly, "We are adding a new vehicle. Want to come see?"
Bella looked baffled, but agreed seemingly just going along.
When Rosalie moved to the back of the garage and took off the tarp we all happily told Bella, "Merry Christmas."
She looked stunned for a moment before walking over and lovingly running her hands along her old truck. Rose had done a beautiful job restoring it. After Bella admired all the little touches she went over to Rose and hugged her.
"Thank you for everything, Rose," Bella gushed.
Rose hugged her back, albeit somewhat awkwardly, and told her, "Welcome to the family."
Bella laughed with tears coming down her eyes.
Their newly developing connection please me immensely, including Bella beginning to call her Rose.
We all looked at Jasper, no doubt collectively sending him our confusion, who whispered at too quick a speed for Bella to catch, "She's happy."
When we went back to the table Bella glowed with happiness. "Thanks for restoring and now storing my old truck. It means a lot to me."
"It is our pleasure to keep a part of your life with Charlie for years to come," Carlisle assured her, and then once we settled once more stated, "Next."
"Our portfolios lost a little this year in order to not catch attention," Alice stated. "We've created a new subsidiary which will be the funds to match Bella's investment in the family and for the money agreed to be given to her parents and the Quileutes. With the dividends there should be room for more growth than usual this next year."
"The little I've taken care of my role as monitor for our non-profits they seem fine. There seems to be more need, though, so two to five billion more dollars would be useful," Edward added stoically.
"That would actually help offset the additional earnings I'd like to make to our portfolios for next year," Alice put in.
"Objections?" Carlisle asked.
Bella's eyes were huge, but she held her tongue and there were no objections.
After the silence had moved beyond its agreed upon time for someone to add anything, Jasper stated, "The digital stuff is becoming more problematic. We can't remove pictures easily when we're in the background, as my face recognition and deletion software doesn't work well in those situations, and the technology is improving that with time we will become clearer. We need to consider other options."
"Suggestions?" Carlisle asked.
"None at the moment, but focusing our learning on figuring this out is crucial," he answered.
"Do we need to plan a shorter timeframe and more education next move?" Carlisle asked.
"Maybe," Jasper allowed. "By next year I hopefully can have firmer answers."
Interjecting, I added, "I also think that we each should consider possible options to stay connected to the human work world. Just Carlisle and I in the world of work isn't going to be sufficient in the future, I believe. We can find some way to give the money away or even generate jobs, if possible, but there are a ton of new fields and our family needs to know what's happening if we are to stay current and hidden."
There were murmurs of agreement and then silence.
"I liked the garage with the Quileutes," Rosalie said hesitantly. "I was wanting to ask about opening a trade school for girls to learn mechanics, electronics, plumbing, HVAC, and other occupations with scholarships for low-income mothers, single mothers, and survivors of domestic violence."
"Projections?" Carlisle asked.
"For Seattle," Emmett answered, "five million minimum for a building for the school and then another million for the equipment. Ongoing costs between a million and two. Projected loss first year five million, but one million by the fifth year, unless we add, expand, or something else."
"Can we withdraw twenty million?" Carlisle asked Alice.
She stilled a little and then smiled. "By April no problem."
Rosalie was grinning widely clearly pleased.
Poor Bella looked like she had been in a tumble dryer and couldn't find her bearings.
"Objections?" Carlisle checked. When no one spoke after the agreed upon awaited time, he asked, "What else?"
"We had two tenant changes over the last year," I told the family. "I took the opportunity to make the appropriate upgrades in the kitchen and bathroom, change carpets if needed, any repairs, and other things like that. I'd like for the family to consider us beginning to add solar panels to the houses as we update the roofs. The solar panel technology has improved enough that I'm more confident about them. Any energy created would first go to use of the tenants and any extra sold to the energy companies, but given our houses are generally in low sun regions, selling energy is doubtful. More likely is that tenant use would most likely be 80% from the panels, leaving them purchasing 20% of their use." Then, I looked over at Emmett.
"It would cost about half a million per house, but it would save the tenants money, reduce our carbon footprint, and when we are in the house again it would mean that we could stay in touch while being off grid, in the off chance that one of Jasper's insane doomsday scenarios happen," Emmett told everyone.
"It also increases property value," I added.
When no one asked a question, Carlisle questioned, "Objections?" We had silence once more, so Carlisle asked, "Any other issues past or upcoming?"
Regretting my previous action of silencing Edward, I told him so mentally.
Aware that it would be better as a family to talk about our disagreements openly, I stated, "I'd like to discuss once more Bella's request to become a vampire. Last time she stated that she didn't want to be changed if anyone objected. It seems only right that we verify that for the next year and confirm our plans."
No one said anything for a few minutes and then out of the blue Edward said quietly, "Despite my personal beliefs, I will not object."
Thank you, my son. I know doing so is a challenge for you.
Everyone else added their voice in wanting Bella to join us as a vampire.
"Since there are no objections to Bella being transformed, we should discuss timeframes. Esme and I requested she consider waiting until she is near thirty to be changed. She agreed to get her college degree first and then see. Any requests for changes to this agreement?" Carlisle asked looking meaningfully at Bella.
"I'm good," Bella stated with a smile, clearly pleased.
It was a huge accomplishment and statement reflecting her trust in us that she had agreed to finish college.
Everyone else shook their head no, although Edward looked defeated.
"Any changes to the transformation and support agreement?" Carlisle checked.
Everyone stated a negative.
"Any other business?" Carlisle asked. When no one spoke it seemed like we covered everything. "Meeting adjourned," he stated.
"Seconded," I added with a smile.
We played games as a family. Then, as Carlisle and I wanted to get back to Forks, after Bella was in bed, I whispered to Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett while hugging them goodbye that I was counting on them to keep her safe. There was no question that they would set up a schedule to monitor her from a distance, just as they had last quarter.
Carlisle enjoyed having the car at nearly its top speed, as we travelled back to Forks, and we talked about what we guessed 2007 would hold. We hoped that Edward and Bella could find a way forward, we hoped she would be human for her 20th birthday party, and we hoped that Edward would find a way to mature into the kind of man he needed to be. It seemed like an long-shot to get any of them, and an impossibility to achieve all three.
"Hope, faith, and love," Carlisle reminded me when I shared my scepticism.
"Hope, faith, and love," I repeated knowing I would need strength.
It was a relief to be closer to Carlisle. It was enjoyable to see him everyday, to connect with him regularly, and to rejoin the volunteer work in Forks that I had put on hold, although I missed everyone else tremendously.
The reports I got from both Alice and Rosalie regarding Bella and Edward was that they continued to have awkward stilted brief conversations, while Emmett and Jasper reported that they were making sure to keep Edward in line.
While Carlisle was at the hospital and when not engaged with my volunteer work, I continued to paint. I begun to imagine what my life might have been like if Carlisle had courted me back in 1916. In the first painting, I drew us having a chaperoned date in a park. Then in the second, we were getting married. The third was us enjoying an outdoor concert. The fourth was us being intimate, although nothing private could be seen. It was strange to see these images of me being human while Carlisle was a vampire. The first thing I realized when studing them was how difficult such a relationship would have been, especially on Carlisle. I considered all the ways we were a couple, and saw him having to hold himself back in most of them. These images also gave me new insight into Bella.
February arrived and Bella was due to come back to Forks for a visit, so I decided to fly up to Bellingham early in order to have a frank conversation with Edward.
Naturally, Alice saw this decision, which meant Edward had also. Thus, upon my arrival Edward looked uncomfortable. After greeting everyone, bar Bella who hadn't been home, I asked Edward to accompany me on a hunt, and he complied, albeit reluctantly. I took down a doe to be on the safe side with me travelling back with Bella.
"How are things?" I asked Edward.
"Acceptable," he replied with a touch of sadness.
"Tell me, son," I implored him.
Then, his face fell into anguish. "She's so cordial to me."
And this isn't what you want?
"It's more than I deserve," he refuted.
Perhaps, I agreed, but not what you want?
With a strong semblance of being forlorn he told me, "I miss her. I miss her touching me. I miss the way she used to look at me. I miss her company."
She doesn't spend time with you? I questioned confused.
"No, no, that's not it," he tried to explain. "It's just she doesn't seek out my company. She doesn't ask me to play the piano. She isn't rude or cold; she's polite." Then, with a snarl he repeated, "She's just so ridiculously polite."
My mind flashed back to 1919 and the customs of the time. Is she more reserved? I wondered after some consideration.
His eyes grew large. Then, he appeared to be reviewing his memories. "Could it be?" he asked in reverence.
What are you thinking Edward? I pressed him.
"Could it be that she's behaving more like the women from my era?" he pondered. "She certainly reads enough turn-of-the-century books."
"I don't know," I told him honestly pondering the possibility myself. Perhaps she is attempting to respect you in a way that she presumes you would appreciate. Perhaps she is unsure of how to behave around you. This is new to her too, I reminded him.
He frowned.
What is it?
He smiled ruefully. "It pains me to admit that I miss her modern ways."
Looking at him seriously, I reminded him, "But you went out of your way to behave as if you were courting her. Other than being unchaperoned there was little you did that was modern."
He looked chagrined. After some moments he admitted, "She scared me."
Raising an eyebrow at him, I waited for him to explain.
Crestfallen he confessed, "Alice saw her dead at my hands or my teeth so many times. If it wasn't my bloodlust, it was my strength. I killed her over and over in gruesome terrible ways. I was so scared that one of these possible futures would come true. I created boundaries and made rules and set limits because I wanted her alive."
The space between was filled with his sorrows and regrets, broken only with the sounds of leaves blowing, trees moving, and animals scurrying.
Putting his face in his hands, he moaned, "I can't do anything right. I just mess it up."
Do you love her? I asked after a long pause.
Gazing at me intently, his eyes demanded that I believe him. "With everything that I am."
Do you believe that she loves you? I questioned.
"Perhaps at one time, but not anymore," he voiced quietly despondent.
Just like with Bella, I was unwilling to disagree. Instead I enquired, How did you win her heart last time?
His face appeared questioning and curious like he hadn't thought to ask himself this question prior. After a long stretch, he admitted, "I don't know."
Confused I pressed, "How do you not know?"
"She just kept pursuing me or letting me be, but she never once backed away. At one point I just decided to give into it, because I was tired of fighting my feelings, fighting her. Then, we were together until I left Forks."
"So her feminist ways pushed you into a corner?" I teased.
He smiled slightly, "Yeah, I guess, but she's also shy and reserved."
What might happen if you took the initiative? I asked my mind filling with images of them playing cards or going on walks near the house or him reading her Keats and them discussing the merits of his words.
He got a dopey happy look on his face. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," I told him sincerely glad to have helped. After a moment, I told him, "I also wanted to talk to you about something else."
His face fell once more. "Yeah, I saw that in Alice's vision. I had hoped you had changed your mind."
"I hadn't," I let him know. Gathering my thoughts, I told him, I understand your desire to give Bella a human life, especially given our values as a Cullen, but by her remaining human you are cutting off many aspects of yourself.
"It's worth it," he stated emphatically.
"To you," I agreed, but to a woman who would want to know all of you, it would be the cruellest of lives. To know the person you love only in part, never being able to share his joys with him in the way he can, especially when the man she loves refuses to give her that opportunity.
"You're assuming she loves me in that way," he pointed out.
I am assuming that you will win her heart once more, I agreed.
He sighed heavily. "I want to give her the world."
"Because you love her."
He nodded in agreement.
Then you give her all of yourself, if she wants it.
"And if she doesn't?" he asked his voice quivering.
"Then you'll have to find a way to live with that," I stated.
He looked like he had taken a punch.
"How's school?" I asked letting the topic go.
"Better than high school, but still dull," he stated evenly.
"You minding Bella's rules?" I checked.
"Yes, ma'am," he replied quickly.
"Even through your gift?" I verified.
"Not always," he reluctantly admitted looking guilty, and quickly added, "but I'm working at it."
"Good enough for now," I told him. We should get back.
We were nearly at the house when he told me, "Thanks, Esme."
I'm always here for you.
"I know, even when I forget," he replied before he went to get washed up.
Being a mother to a hundred year old man in a seventeen year old body was a challenge. So many times he was crotchety and irritated with the world, because it had dared to change. While recently he was a blundering idiot trying to learn how to navigate love and his heart for the first time.
I made a decision to ask Alice if my talk to Edward helped our family any.
She looked into the future and then back at me and shrugged.
Too many variables to have a firm outlook I suppose.
Nodding back to her in appreciation, I looked at Rosalie until her eyes met mine. "Let's take the car out before you tune it up."
She nuzzled into Emmett's arms saying nothing.
After cleaning myself up and putting on a fresh set of clothes, Rosalie and I went for the drive.
"It's sounding good," she commented after a few miles.
"It was a good choice," I told her. After some silence, I asked, "How are things, Rose, really?"
"A mess," was her terse answer.
Remaining silent, I waited for her to say more.
"They are both stubborn and afraid of hurting the other, or of themselves getting hurt. The thing is, even if Edward refuses to see it, Bella is growing up. She's beginning to come into herself as a person. She's more mature, less emotionally driven, more self-aware. All the while Edward stays the same, caught between his instinct to claim her and his Edwardian ways of being in mixed company. There's a good chance, as I see it, that in a year or so she will emotionally outgrow him. And slugs move faster than Edward."
"Not last time," I pointed out.
"Only because fate kept forcing the issue," Rosalie retorted. "I know I wasn't much help to the situation, but even though I've not interfered in the least since his return, they are at a standstill."
Smiling ruefully I decided to change the topic, "And how are you?"
She smiled sadly, "Same old, same old. Little changes in the nature of the world, you know this."
"While we change," I pointed out.
"No, we are not stone, but we are also not fully alive," she retorted.
"We could be," I told her gently.
The look on her face was an odd mixture of confusion, irritation, and disbelief.
"I have spent much time reflecting over all the changes to each of us and our family since Bella's presence shook our world. There's this theory that I recently came across," I explained.
For a moment the old Rosalie who was more teenager than adult flashed across her face, and then it faded. The new Rosalie emerged, someone open to hearing what I had said, and even to change if needed.
"It says that we walk through life and there are these small events that require us to adjust. We learn how to adapt as a result. But then an event comes into our lives that is so impactful that it shatters everything that we thought we knew and understood. Consequently, we no longer understand who we are and our place in the world. These monumental events are called cosmology episodes. Bella is Edward's. In one quick swoop with her scent and closed mind and clumsiness appealed to everything in Edward, vampire and human. He lost sense in his world and he clung to the idea of keeping her safe above all else as his anchor, except when he acted on that idea he lost everything once more. His attempt to remake his understanding of the world failed.
"He needs new meaning, new eyes in which to see the world. And it's possible that Bella is the only one to give that to him fully, as I believe that they are bound to each other. Nevertheless, she is not ready to do that for him, and he is not ready to allow her. He is everything a man of his era was raised to be. I suspect that from the moment you entered the family he turned you off, because he had too many qualities of Royce, not in the poor ways, but in station and etiquette. It says something Rose that you mated to a man who would of, at best, been a paid servant in your human life. You and Emmett could not come from different social upbringings. In my mind the fact that Emmett is so unlike the men that surrounded you as a human makes him safe, but look at what it took for you to let go of the ideas of social class and propriety that you were raised with.
"Your brother needs you Rose. He doesn't know it, but you are from his world, and he needs a bridge from who he was to who he needs to be. He doesn't need you jealous or haughty or frustrated. He doesn't need the spoiled socialite who always got what she wanted because she was the prettiest girl in the room. He needs a big sister who will in love pull him into the modern era while allowing him to keep the best parts of that young man who died from Carlisle's venom."
By the time I stopped speaking and silence settled over us Rosalie was stone except for her eyes and hand that made slight movements for driving.
When she did speak she sounded like she had suddenly become five. "Am I really a spoiled socialite?"
"You were," I told her softly. "I have memories of you being human. You had superficial friends, social climbers for parents, and acted exactly how you had been raised to. You honoured your parents in every way. You were a good daughter, Rose."
Venom coated her eyes and she blinked rapidly as if she was trying to stop herself from crying.
"But you are her no longer," I reminded her.
"Yeah," she agreed.
"But sometimes you use her as a barrier to protect yourself," I stated.
"No longer," she retorted with a defensive tone.
"It is true that I haven't seen you pull her out in a while. This past year has altered you. Yet, with Edward it is like you cannot help but revert back to her. Perhaps it is his mannerisms and behaviours that pull on that part of you. I'm not sure. What I am sure of, though, is that he needs that reminder. He needs to remember what courting should look like, how to respect a woman, how to be a man. While he also needs to let go of the ways of his era that made women into objects to be worshipped or abused."
"You're asking a lot Esme," she finally told me after a long stretch of heavy silence.
"Yes," I agreed.
"He has Alice," she exclaimed as if it was the perfect explanation to get out of what I was asking her.
"He does, and she will keep him from doing anything too idiotic, but she does not remember like you do. She cannot guide him like you, simply because she has not travelled it like you. You have made the journey already. You only need to guide him."
"That's like getting a pig headed blind man who is convinced he can see to trust you to walk off a cliff," Rosalie replied blithely.
"Good thing you're up for a challenge and don't deter easily," I replied with a smile in my tone.
She huffed. "Fine," she scathed after long minutes of silence. "Only because otherwise Edward might destroy this family."
"He wouldn't mean to," I pointed out sadly.
"Wouldn't change how utterly successful he would be," she retorted.
"No," I agreed.
She frowned. "What has Alice seen?"
"Not much," I told her. "Edward is too volatile for her gift to be of much help."
"So, make sure Bella doesn't die while also inching Edward towards growing up into a modern man with some of his better Edwardian traits," she scathed.
"Something like that," I concurred.
She huffed in irritation once more.
"You can do this," I encouraged her. "You love him. That's enough."
"I'll probably have to recruit Emmett and Jasper, which means Alice. Better a united front like when he first came back," she told me.
"Whatever you think is best," I stated wanting to convey that I trusted her.
She nodded and I could almost see that strategic mind of hers at work. For better or worse, she had learned a lot from Jasper over the last year.
"This is how we live," I told her softly. "We live by changing ourselves and helping each other change. We cannot be stone if this is the case."
After allowing my words to settle into her she started telling me about her classes and her ideas regarding the technical school for women as she turned the car towards the house. By the time we rode up the drive she seemed calmer than when I had arrived.
"You're a good daughter and sister, Rose," I told her as we parked in the garage.
"It should be fine as long as she keeps her end of the bargain," she replied in a whisper.
"She gave her word," I reminded her.
Her lips went into a thin line as she walked into the house, no doubt going to find Emmett.
I found Jasper and Edward playing some game on the television, with Alice in the corner of the couch drawing.
Coming up from behind her, I looked at the different designs.
"Yours or the futures?" I wondered.
"Mine," she admitted full of hesitation, which was incredibly unusual for her.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"I'd like to put my stuff out there," she told me shyly like she was expecting a rebuttal.
"Do you see a way?" I asked genuinely curious.
"In a few years, yes," she answered.
"Shall we have a family discussion?" I checked.
"Yes, please," she answered almost bashfully.
It was a pleasant surprise to see her this way.
"I shall speak to Carlisle and plan on us both being here soon," I told her.
"Thanks," she replied.
"No checking the outcome, please," I requested.
She nodded her head in agreement, even though she looked slightly reluctant.
"So, tell me your designs," I instructed.
While the boys played Alice showed me her ideas and where they had come from. It was a delightful time spent.
Later in the evening Emmett had gone to find Rose and Alice was still focused on her creations.
Sitting down next to Jasper, I asked softly ensuring the words would stay between us, "So, how are you?"
"Adjusting," he answered after taking some time to reflect.
"Has the atmosphere improved?" I wondered.
"In many ways, yes," he replied after contemplation, "Edward and Bella no, though. Although, in fairness, she's rarely home and seems to be attempting to control her emotions when she is here. She underestimates my gift, but I have allowed her to believe this mistruth, as doing so seems to comfort her. She really seems to hate causing anyone else discomfort, even to her own detriment."
Nodding I took in this information and filed it. "I have made a difficult request of Rose, and thus hinted that she might need your support, particularly your talent for strategy."
He smiled with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "I look forward to it."
"I am trusting you to see the danger Rose might not." Pausing to collect my thoughts, I told him, "She tends to be a bull and sometimes delicacy is what is needed."
He smiled in respect and I could see his mind working out what I had already requested of my daughter. "I would not let you down."
Smiling back at him, I tapped his hand gently, "Of that I have absolutely no doubt." After a moment I added, "I hope you continue to be proud of your control over your bloodlust. How has the last month been?"
"Everyone continues to hunt regularly, which is certainly helping, and as Bella is simply a part of the standard scents in the house, she has become less tempting. In the bit of time she has given to me, I have begun to teach her chess. Seeing her more and more as someone I enjoy and potentially as my little sister has helped also."
"You have much to be proud of, then," I commended him.
Appearing slightly uneasy with my praised, he changed the topic and asked, "How is it being there with us here?"
"Quiet," I answered definitively and then shrugged. "Nice at times to be just a couple, but I miss you all. I struggle to rest in assurance that you all are safe, even though in my mind I am confident in your ability to protect them all."
He frowned slightly. "We worry about you in that house alone if any stranger were to visit."
Nodding in understanding of his concern, I offered, "Alice would see?"
"Hopefully," was his reply. Putting his hand on my shoulder, gazing into my eyes, and send me a cocktail of familial affection he implored me, "Please keep yourself well. We would become lost without you."
Smiling at his tenderness, I agreed with a slight teasing tone, "Yes, Major."
He smiled at my answer and nodded in agreement.
It was almost midnight when Bella came home. Upon entering the house, she gave me a hug, yelled hello to everyone else, and then climbed the stairs. After a shower she went to bed.
All five of the kids were situated in the living room, so I asked the room at large too softly for Bella to hear, "Is it usually like that?"
"Yup," Emmett answered frowning a bit, "then up, breakfast, and leave in the morning."
"Humm," I mused considering what her behaviour might indicate. Honestly, I had little to go on. If my knowledge of human high schoolers were limited, then my understanding of the habits of modern college teenagers was worse.
With the kids help I completed a few odd jobs on the house and yard during the evening, and then after a shower enjoyed watching them be siblings.
Bella's behaviour in the morning was just as Emmett had described. It wasn't two hours after she had risen that she told me that she was ready to go.
We were just a little bit from the house, close enough that Edward would probably still be able to read my mind, so I asked, "How's the new truck holding up?"
Bella beamed, "Great, but then Rose is a great mechanic."
"That she is," I agreed.
The smile left her face as she confessed, "This is a great truck and it is reassuring to me that the old one isn't far away, being stored and all. Even still, I still miss driving my old one. It felt incredibly stable and indestructible. However, I have to admit that this is easier to handle, quieter, and can go over 55."
Pondering the meaning of her words, it took me a few minutes before I said, "Yes, it is often a challenge to let go of things that worked for us and gave us comfort. We are required to open our grasp, take a step into the unknown, and hope that what is waiting for us will fit our needs."
Almost twenty minutes passed before she whispered, "I don't think we're talking about my truck."
Smiling at her, I refuted, "Of course we were."
She shook her head and insisted, "You were talking about Edward."
Letting go of my slight teasing, I asked, "Is loving your new truck and letting go of the old one any different of a life lesson than letting go of the past regarding Edward and embracing what might develop?"
She chewed on her bottom lip for a while before she answered, "Maybe there isn't much difference in the grander scale, but in the minutia, there's a world of difference."
"How so?" I wondered.
She scrunched up her face and seemed to be deeply considering her answer before she stated, "The first truck was a gift from Charlie and an expression of his care for me. This truck is also an expression of his care for me. So, even though I changed trucks, the meaning of them hasn't. My relationship with Edward before my birthday and now can't be compared in that way. An analogy might be that what we had was totalled, only good for the garbage heap. There's no continued meaning."
Musing over her views, I questioned, "Do you no longer care for him?"
Instantly she looked like I had punched her in the gut.
"Pull over, darling," I instructed softly.
When the car was safely stopped I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and she placed her head on my chest.
"Let it out, my darling girl," I encouraged her.
And then like a dam had broken, she started wailing. In mutters that hardly were coherent I finally pieced together something about how her loving Edward hurt, how he didn't love her, along with her being an addict wanting a hit, even if she was bound to crash in the future.
Pretending like I didn't hear her broken utterings, I simply held her. Eventually the tears slowed and the wailing stopped.
"I'm sorry, Esme," she offered to me.
"Nonsense," I refuted. "Clearly you just needed to let it out."
She nodded slightly.
I slowed my breaths so she would match mine, like Carlisle had shown me, and we were silent for a while.
"I've been really busy," she mused.
When she said nothing more after long minutes I added, "Maybe you didn't have time for a good cry, then?"
She chuckled and agreed.
"Want me to drive?" I asked.
After a minute of consideration she answered, "Nah, I'm good."
"Alright," I conceded, continuing to run my fingers over her hair.
After a while she shifted indicating that she was ready to sit back up. Scooting back to my side of the bench, I told her, "So tell me all about how things are."
"Good," she answered without pause.
After a long couple of minutes, I prompted her, "You're going to need to say more than that."
She sighed in the resigned way that Rosalie might when she knew I wasn't going to back down. It still took her another five minutes before she started speaking.
"College is so different from high school that they almost can't be compared. In my classes there are hundreds of students, and then graduate assistants teach the labs. I feel invisible, which is pleasing, since I prefer to blend into the background. It's more that no one cares if you succeed or not. There's no teacher reminding you that your assignment is due or noticing if you turn into your work or not. I kind of liked it, but it was definitely an adjustment." Then, she petered off almost hoping that what she had shared had been sufficient.
"Do you like the subjects at least?" I asked unwilling to let her stop there.
"They're all gen ed classes, so not really. At least I'm learning new things, but I'll be glad to get them done," she admitted.
"Have you picked a major yet?" I wondered.
"I like reading, but when I spoke to an advisor they were saying that as an English major I would be doing a lot of analysing texts, and I think I'd rather keep my reading for recreational." Her cheeks began to get flush as she confessed, "Carlisle has been encouraging me to pursue the sciences."
"He has?" I asked gently trying to sound slightly surprised, even though Carlisle had already told me of this.
Her blush darkened.
I was proud of myself that it was manageable. To me it showed another step forward in overcoming my base nature.
"He says that not all degrees in science end up working with people. He told me about positions where I could work in a lab. I could make a real difference in people's lives, without having to deal with blood. He also mentioned that a job like that would work well once I'm changed." Then, she got real quiet. When she spoke again it was at a whisper. "I'm not sure what to think of the fact that Carlisle knows me better and is more attentive to my future than Charlie. I mean, obviously, I didn't grow up with Charlie, but Carlisle has only known me for two years."
She seemed to retreat into herself and I allowed her. When she took a deep breath about twenty minutes later I told her, "Carlisle is a rare man in that he pays attention. He cares deeply for you, Bella, and wants the best for you. He also knows a lot about the world of work between his own career and then ours. Charlie loves you in his own way. Those just aren't his strengths."
"Yeah," she agreed quietly. Then after a few minutes added, "Charlie does care. There's no doubt. I just keep thinking about the future and I can't imagine where Charlie would fit. He's barely been a part of my life for most of it."
Pondering how to assist her, I finally said, "In that case, enjoy every moment you have with him."
Wearing a sad smile she told me, "I will."
"And the rest?" I pressed when she seemed to intend on saying no more.
"I'm barely home," she divulged, and then stopped short.
"How come?" I probed after ample minutes had passed.
She sighed sadly. "Some of it is that it's easier to stay close to campus to get my work done. Some of it is pushing myself to try new things. And a small part is wanting to give everyone else space away from the human."
With sadness at what she was implying I refuted, "You aren't just a human, Bella. You are a member of the family."
"Doesn't make me any less human," she returned with deep sadness.
After trying to put the pieces together of what she was attempting to describe, I asked, "I don't fully understand, Bella. We love you. We want your company. When you're gone, we miss you. What is going on?"
She huffed in a typical teenager way. "Everyone adjusts for me. Everyone talks slower, moves slower, tolerates the smell of food. I mean, sure, Edward showed me that one time, and I've seen how vampires can really act, but for me, each of you were more human and humane than most humans. As each of you told your stories and I am getting more information on how different it is, I cannot help but see how irritating it must be to not be yourselves in the one place, your home, where you should be able to." By the end her passion and certainty were transparent.
After mulling over how to approach this, I asked, "Do you make adjustments for us?"
Her lips crashed together in a scowl and then she began biting on her lip. Eventually she admitted, "Yes."
"How so?" I asked making sure my tone was open and sounding genuinely curious.
After a couple of minutes and an irritated huff, "I don't know. I try to be considerate. A few times I mentioned to Edward that he should hunt, as his eyes were looking too dark."
"And does our diet bother you?" I probed gently.
"No," she answered hotly. "Everybody has to eat to survive. That's just the nature of life."
Giving a few minutes of silence for her words to sink in, I offered, "Then why would your substances bother us?"
She gnawed on her lip before answering in a defensive tone, "Because my method of eating penetrates the atmosphere of the house."
"Does them being gone impact the atmosphere of the household?" I asked.
She looked at me suspiciously, but nevertheless answered, "Yes."
"The thing is dear, is that these differences mean that we're each adjusting to each other, but it seems unjust that you should have to shift more than anyone else. It's not like the Fork house, which is really mine. This home is yours and theirs. You all contribute to its care and upkeep in your own ways." Saying nothing more, I gazed out the window and allowed the silence to be comforting.
More than an hour had passed when she muttered, "You know Esme, I think you might even have Jasper beat in being dangerous."
Chuckling a little, I admitted, "Jasper is the most dangerous in a way, because he is a soldier. But Carlisle has insisted that I have a gift of seeing into the heart of a matter. That is only dangerous if you're wanting to avoid the truth."
She huffed with an irritated defeated sound.
"Bella," I said softly and gently, "there is nothing wrong with being considerate of others, but not at the expense of your own needs. There is almost always a way for everyone in the situation to get what they need, if not what they want. Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice would not have offered to live with you without knowing what that would mean. They haven't asked you to make yourself smaller. They want to enjoy you as you are, since you're only being how you are in this season of your life once. You need to remember that time means very different things for us, and they wanted this."
By the end of my speech she had water at the edges of her eyes.
When she collected herself she admonished, "No need to bring in the heavy artillery."
Smiling at her reaction, I said nothing more.
Eventually she completely calmed and asked, "How has it been living alone?"
"Nice at times, especially not needing to clean up after Emmett, but too quiet. It's strange to be home alone without Carlisle, as the last time that happened Edward had run away and life was very bittersweet–bitter because I missed Edward and sweet with Carlisle and I getting to know each other. There are even moments when I have to actively remind myself that everyone is fine."
Bella said nothing for a while, and then commented softly, "Sounds lonely."
Considering how to answer, I admitted, "At moments, but like you, I enjoy my own company, so most of the time it's pleasant. I'm contributing to the committees I'm on as well as other such things, so I'm in town more than before. At the same time, like we talked about, a part of being a Cullen is having each other as support. Not having anyone but Carlisle close by is strange. I'm actively reminding myself to enjoy the solace and that everyone is still available to support me. In a way Alice's visions help that endeavour. And then there's the simple fact that I don't ever hunt alone."
"Hmm," she mused.
After a few minutes had passed and it seemed like she wasn't going to comment, I asked, "You getting much alone time?"
"When I'm studying at the library," she answered a little to quickly.
"Needing some alone time?" I wondered.
After a while she divulged, "Maybe some."
"From Edward or everyone?" I questioned.
She looked at me sideways, like she believed me to be up to some secret way of catching her out, before she answered, "Even when I'm in my room alone, I can't help but be aware of the fact that everyone in the house can hear each other. I don't feel like I'm alone like when I'm at Charlie's."
"And they're over protective of you," I surmised.
"That's an understatement," she agreed.
"In a bothersome way?" I wondered.
She paused, clearly thinking before she answered, "In a having siblings kind of way, which is kind of nice at times. I do enjoy their company, but I'm also used to being an only child, so there are these moments when it feels stifling."
"Cause you're not used to it?" I checked.
"Exactly!" she agreed.
"And you don't want to convey that you don't like their company, because you do, but it's also overwhelming because it's new to you," I surmised.
She smiled widely, pleased at my words, "You're good at this."
Letting her new self-awareness set in, I offered, "You could just say that, you know."
Her mouth dropped and she looked at me like I had gone crazy.
"They'd understand," I told her. "They each get moments when they need time alone or as couples. In our family, you simply have to ask."
"And they'd all leave?" she checked clearly in disbelief.
"Even Edward, probably to go hunting," I stated.
"Huh," she muttered in surprise like voicing her needs in a clear manner like that had never occurred to her.
It probably hadn't. I held in a smile at the realization of how much more of a Cullen she would be, even before she was changed. I had to hope it would make for an easier adjustment and thus newborn years.
Some time passed before I opened the can of worms, "So, how are things between you and Edward?"
"Truth?" she verified.
"Absolute," I confirmed.
"Hard," she answered. Instead of commenting, I allowed the silence to grow. Eventually she continued, "It's like we no longer know how to be around each other. It's awkward and strained, honestly."
Giving some time before speaking, I asked, "Any ideas as to how come?"
It took her almost thirty minutes before she spoke. "I'm afraid we've outgrown each other."
Was this not my fear?
After deep thought I told her, "That might be the case, but that does not automatically mean that you cannot once more be what the other needs. Our warnings to you about the challenges of changing after your transformation are absolutely true. But challenging does not mean impossible. In many ways Edward is all of his age and a typical centenarian. In other ways he is seventeen. And I suspect that you need him to grow into a young man of his early 20s. The question I believe you need to ask yourself is if you're willing to do your part in assisting him to do this, assuming that he would want to change?"
She bit her lip and tapped the steering wheel until she asked at a whisper, "What would that mean?"
Knowing the importance of the question, I responded with a question of my own, "Did I ever tell you that in the '70s I went to college and studied Family and Marriage Counselling?"
Her eyes grew large and she mumbled a "No."
"Alice and Jasper had been with us a little over 20 years, and the newness of us being a family of seven had officially worn off. We were struggling as a family. So, when everyone went to college, I forged the dates of one of my previously earned bachelor's degrees and gained a master's degree."
It took awhile for her to find a question, "Did it help?"
Smiling at the memories, I told her, "In many ways. That kind of knowledge of how families work and thus how to help improve things between family members simply didn't exist in my era. It was exciting, and has given our family tools we didn't have before. Jasper in the next decade studied psychology. It is one of the reasons that at family meetings about resolving conflicts in the family, it is expected that Jasper and I will offer the family the most assistance."
"Hmm," she mumbled, and eventually said quietly, "That makes sense." After a few more minutes she added, "It also suits you both. You have a gift to see things from everyone's perspective and with Jasper's gift of empathy, he has an inside scoop."
"True," I agreed. After a few minutes I said, "What I am offering is to assist you and Edward in finding a way to live together more harmoniously."
"Couples counselling?" she asked agasp.
"In a way," I supported. "I am assuming that a romantic relationship is off the cards for the moment?"
Her whole face fell. "Yes."
Patting her hand a few times in encouragement, I told her, "Couples counselling doesn't have to be about romantic couples. I've done some couples counselling with Emmett and Alice as well as Rosalie and Edward. In both cases, each were given work and expected to do their parts to aid in the repair of the relationships and to find a way to live together in relative harmony."
She started turning beat red and flustered a few times before she finally admitted, "If we're meant to be together, then once I'm turned, won't things work themselves out?"
Smiling indulgently at her, I reframed, "You mean won't your and his hormones pull your together and override whatever is holding you both apart?"
Looking even more embarrassed, she nevertheless found the courage to expound, "He said he was tired of playing human. If I wasn't human anymore, then maybe he might want me."
"Oh, child," I uttered in soft sadness crushed by the truths she was holding within herself. When I found words I told her, "This isn't a fairy tale. Any 'happily ever afters' come from hard work. You're welcome to ask any of the couples, and Carlisle, but I will tell you that it wasn't like a romance novel. First time I laid eyes on Carlisle I was in awe of him and then terrified. There was no lust or love or any of those things. I had jumped from a cliff to kill myself and filled with grief from the loss of my son and fear of men. It was a hard and rocky road for us. Rosalie and Emmett have a similar story. Alice and Jasper are unique, because of their gifts, but they too have had difficult years as a couple. So, no, being a vampire isn't a magic wand. In fact, in many ways, it makes life more difficult. If you want Edward and you to have a friendship, then it will require work on both of your parts, along with Edward being willing to change and your willingness to be patient."
"I'll think about it," she offered after a few minutes.
"That's all I could ask," I told her before asking, "Plans to see Jake?" aware that we needed a change of topic.
She smiled, but there was some reservation there. "Hopefully."
"Is he being a butthead again?" I wondered.
She started chuckling, which led to laughter. "Esme, somehow you saying butthead doesn't quite fit."
Smiling with her, I said nothing more, giving her space to continue speaking.
Eventually she added, "Yeah, he's being Jake."
"Maybe his feelings got hurt?" I wondered.
After some thought she agreed, "Yeah, probably, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He's acting like a child."
Glad to see her attitude I agreed, "Absolutely doesn't excuse it." After a brief pause, I asked, "Bella, can I make an observation and you simply consider it seriously?"
After a second she agreed, "Sure, sure."
Glad to see her courage and trust in me I was thoughtful about my wording before uttering, "It seems like Edward and Jake share many similar qualities. They are both stubborn, certain their view of the world is the correct one. They are both passionate and hot-tempered at times. Maybe these similarities are because they both have qualities that you wish you had in yourself."
She bit her lower lip and appeared uncomfortable.
Patting her hand again, I assured her, "You'll figure yourself out. I'm glad you're giving yourself the time to do so. I believe it is the best gift you can give yourself, and thus everyone who loves you, me included."
She smiled sadly.
For the rest of the ride we discussed how college was similar and yet different than high school. When she dropped me off with Carlisle she looked glad to be home, but weary. She had chosen a difficult path by requesting to become a Cullen, but I was proud of how she was facing life, and told her so before I closed the door and sent her to Charlie's.
A/N: The reference to the concept of Cosmology Episodes is shameless my own research and based on a post-traumatic growth model that I participated in creating.
I know that I usually don't have chapters so long, but I couldn't bear to split this last scene between Bella and Esme. I hope is didn't make the chapter too much of a laborious read.
I'm excited to hear what you think of the chapter generally and specifically Esme's offer of couples counselling!