Chapter 7: Love Requires Trust
Both Bella and Edward looked everywhere in the room, except at each other or me.
After waiting an extended period of time and neither speaking, I stated, "Bella, you first."
She looked startled and shook her head no, appearing really embarrassed.
"Edward?" I implored him.
He too looked uncomfortable, and reluctant to say anything.
After many more long minutes and silence, I let them know, "Okay, we'll wait, but we're not leaving until this gets settled."
Keeping my features neutral, I, nevertheless, used the silence to mentally consider all the material I would need to repair the second floor. Although it was not intended to purposely disquiet Edward, he looked sour at times. I was, however, my subtle ways of making it clear to Edward that the current of change was still with us. Without a doubt he disliked knowing the destruction to our home Carlisle and I managed to accomplish. Knowing Rosalie and Emmett along with the circumstance, I honestly thought we had done little in comparison to the possibilities. Fortunately, even though electrical currents had been effected, and thus require extensive work, we had managed to only break one pipe, so the water damage to the floor beams and then the first floor was far less than it could have been.
It was almost an hour later when Bella huffed, "This is ridiculous."
Hiding my smile, I looked at her attentively.
"We were all on edge because we were worried about you and Carlisle," she started looking straight at me. Nodding the once at her in encouragement, she quickly continued. "I was coming out of my room and saw Edward. I asked him if he knew what was happening. He said that he didn't. Then, I sarcastically remarked that he probably wouldn't tell me anyway, since I was a waste of space in his eyes." She looked at Edward, then back to me. "I honestly don't know what caused me to say that. It was rude."
She seemed to be truly repentant, but uncomfortable to say more.
"Continue please," I pressed.
She remained quiet, but fidgeted while boring holes into her clasped hands.
Instead, as giving her a reprieve from her discomfort, Edward spoke, "I was angry at her accusation, even if it was probably deserved. I raised my voice accusing her of being fickle to believe my lies so easily. Rosalie and Emmett joined us while Bella began backing away from me. Her eyes looked like she wasn't really present. At a whisper under her breath she said that me loving her never made sense, that I deserved someone more worthy than her, and that what I had told her was more true to her than anything. Then, she hurt herself by running into a doorknob. I lost my cool and roared, then screamed at how her low self-worth was the cause of her accepting my lies. I also yelled at her that until she could learn what an amazing beautiful person she was that we could never be friends. As soon as I begun roaring, Emmett picked me up and carried me outside, so much of what I screamed was away from her. It took me over three days to cool down and be willing to face my shame for saying such hurtful things, but when I returned Bella was not here and has not returned, so I have not had an opportunity to apologise."
Bella had tears running down her face, but mostly she looked exhausted like she had the few times when we had talked about what Edward had said when he had left her.
My body tilting towards Bella, I asked her compassionately, "Do you need a break?"
She shook her head no, and I trusted that she was speaking the truth.
Looking at Edward, I questioned, "What were you feeling when you made your accusations?"
He appeared uncomfortable with my question, but answered evenly, "Angry, hurt, and frustrated."
Portraying nothing externally, I internally smiled at Jasper's influence in Edward's answer.
"Bella, what were your feelings as he spoke?" I asked.
"That he's right. Everything has been my fault," she answered sounding worn through.
"After he saved you from the van, did you force him to spend time with you?" I questioned.
"No," she answered quietly.
"Did you force him or our family to protect you from James?" I pressed.
"No," she replied with a little more force.
"Did you request him to remove James' venom from you?" I probed.
"No," she retorted getting a little angry.
"Did you force him to go to prom with you?" I grilled.
"No," she snapped.
"Then, how can you be at fault for his words or actions?" I asked gently.
She looked startled. Then, started crying. Through her tears she answered, "My mind says no, but it feels like it should be my fault."
Knowing she spoke the truth, I reminded her, "You said that your mother often gave you the impression that you were responsible for her fits of fancy and making her life work. You have agreed with me that her doing so was unreasonable, as no child could possibly be responsible for the actions of the parent. Yet, the sense of responsibility you carry still weighs on you as if it were true."
After calming herself some she replied, "Yeah, it does. Agreeing mentally has proven to be easier than getting my feelings to agree."
"That's usually the case," I comforted her. "Just keep working on it. You'll get there."
She smiled slightly and nodded her head that she had received my encouragement.
After allowing a moment of silence, I hypothesised, "Could the same pattern you had with Reneé be at play here with Edward?"
She appeared startled and looked over at Edward through the corner of her eye. It took her a while, but eventually she muttered, "Possibly."
Giving Bella some breathing room, I turned my attention towards Edward and asked him, "What truth was there in Bella's accusation?"
"In the past I had a tendency to hide information I thought might distress her," he answered with a tone of regret.
"Had you considered doing that in this case?" I probed.
His eyes dropped, "I considered it, yes, but rejected the idea quickly, as I want to earn Bella's trust. I was upset that despite my efforts to show her that I am working at changing my habits and was not keeping information that we all knew from her, she threw the past in my face, even though we agreed on a clean slate."
"So, attempting to sweep everything away from the past didn't work?" I pointed out.
"No, ma'am," Edward confirmed disappointed.
I looked at Bella until she voiced a "No," sounding a little calmer.
Plainly aware of the distinctions he was making, "Did you tell Bella everything that you knew?" I pressed.
He narrowed his eyes slightly, probably a manifestation of discomfort in voicing the answer.
Go ahead, I told him. I would not have asked the question if I wasn't willing to have Bella hear the answer.
He still appeared reluctant, so I looked at him sternly.
Sensing defeat he admitted his shoulders slumping, "No."
Bella gasped.
Ignoring that for the moment, I prodded, "What did you hold back?"
He looked incredibly uncomfortable.
She needs this, I told him. I know it goes against your honour code, but you're sharing private things about my life and I'm agreeing. This is important for Bella.
Very embarrassed, but in a clear demonstration of his trust in me, he told her, "Carlisle and Esme had very rough sex that demolished most of the second floor, hunted, and then had more of the same. That isn't usual for them, so they also spent time talking things out. Alice actively works at not seeing our sex lives. She can't help see the decision, but as soon as it comes in, she brushes it aside, kind of like changing the channel. However, in this case she saw a human showing up at the house and potentially getting murdered by Esme. So, she purposefully used her gift to check on them. She couldn't make sense of her vision, but was able to figure out the safest route forward in order to keep humans from the house, including making excuses to Carlisle's work so no possible concerns would be raised there."
He looked at me imploringly.
Please continue, I requested.
We had tried to explain some of these things to Bella, but she would always be limited in her understanding until she was turned.
Crestfallen, Edward continued, "Every time Alice decided to send one of us or any combination of us it seemed to make things worse, so she waited to see what would happen, but as they weren't making purposeful decisions Alice couldn't see when they'd talk it through, or even if they would. I wasn't keeping things from you, Bella, except things that are private. I shouldn't know this much about Carlisle and Esme, but I do, and when I do my only choice is to try and forget it, and not speak about it. This kind of stuff is especially challenging, because, as you know, when Alice has a vision it is like she is the actor experiencing it; so, it was like she was there being Esme having sex with Carlisle and then because of my gift, I experienced being Esme having sex with Carlisle." He shuddered. "I wasn't lying to you."
Bella's eyes had grown huge with each statement. After the end, she closed them tightly as if wishing the knowledge away.
"We are going to discuss not the details, of course, but the reasons at our next family meeting," I explained to Bella.
She nodded, still keeping her eyes tightly closed.
Edward went to say something and I shook my head, Give her time.
It took over fifteen very long minutes before she mumbled, "Thank you for telling me Edward, and Esme for, um, I don't even know what. It's so hard not to be suspicious. You all have been together for so long that information that makes no sense to me, you all understand automatically. Nevertheless, I shouldn't have taken it out on you, Edward."
He went to refute her and she put up her hand.
"I also appreciate you explaining your gift more. I had assumed that hearing people's thoughts were like tuning into a radio not being in a virtual reality television show. I was so frustrated and hurt by a sense of being left out, despite Jasper's assurances, that I jumped to conclusions. I owe Jasper an apology, and probably Alice too," she mused.
"This is your work, Bella, as is changing your belief in yourself. As ill-worded as Edward's accusations might have been, there is an ugly truth in them, and something for you to continue improving. You have great value, not for what you do for others, what you achieve, or your self-sacrifice, but simply because you are precious, full stop."
"Yes, Esme," she mumbled.
Turning towards Edward I told him, "You must find a way to manage your emotions. Your inability to self-regulate puts an unnecessary burden on your brother and sows trouble for us all."
"Yes, ma'am," he agreed, chastised.
"You might wish to ask Jasper for assistance on how to do so, if you need ideas," I offered.
"I will consider it," he replied, which was his polite way of saying no thank you.
I expected as much. Edward was a prideful young man who didn't like asking for help.
"We shall end here for now," I told them both. "I'm uncertain when, but sometime in a couple of days Carlisle shall join us, and we shall have a family meeting. The three of us will meet in one week's time and see how things are then."
"Okay," Bella agreed.
"Yes, ma'am," Edward concurred.
I stood up and left them both returning to my office.
When I was out of the room, Bella offered softly, "I am truly sorry, Edward."
"I forgive you," he said, his love for her apparent in his tone. "Can you forgive me?"
"I thought I had," she confessed, "but I think it's more honest to say that I'm working on it."
"Fair enough," he accepted. After some silence he asked, "Would you like to play cards?"
"Gin rummy?" she replied after a moment's hesitation.
"Sure," he agreed.
Perhaps them being equally chastised could place them united against me. That would have to be modified, but at least they would be joined in something rather than being miles away from each other.
A few seconds later, the furniture was being moved around. Even if their outburst had been hard, more than anything, I hoped it had allowed grievances to be aired, so they could heal and move on. A little over an hour later, Bella claimed a need for sleep and moved towards her room. Edward retreated to his space in the basement, while I continued working on the second floor.
About four in the morning Alice and Jasper arrived home and we met each other in the sitting room. Alice, no doubt, already know that I wanted to talk to them both, and had warned Jasper.
"What happened?" I asked as soon as we were all sitting.
"I was out when the first vision came," Alice stated, sounding sad and scared. "I immediately ran home, leaving Jasper to keep an eye on Bella. I ran through possibilities until finding one that seemed to work. Then, we waited until things became more clear."
Looking at Jasper, he seemed reluctant to speak. Sending him my care and curiosity, I waited.
"I kept projecting," he admitted.
"How come?" I wondered.
"Usually Alice grounds me, but she was really worried, as was everyone else. I felt their worries and then I'd worry. It was like a double mirror, the emotions kept bouncing back," he explained.
"And the fight between Edward and Bella?" I inquired.
"Alice wanted to get involved, but as Emmett and Rosalie had it well in hand, I decided that it would be best for us to stand down," Jasper informed me.
"When Alice was running through scenarios, I assume Edward was assisting her with the possible future options while you were using your ability to keep Alice calm as much as you could?" I checked.
They both nodded.
"And Bella after her encounter with Edward?" I questioned.
"Not home with Emmett and Rosalie as protection," Jasper answered.
Nodding, I considered what they had said in light of Carlisle's and my most recent conversations. After a lot of thought, I turned to Jasper, "Anything you would have done differently?"
He considered my question and after a few minutes told me, "Alice is so rarely distressed for long periods of time that I have little practice keeping in my gift when I'm trying to comfort her. She becomes my entire focus."
Thinking about that, and a little hesitant, so sending him my regret, I asked, "How did you keep your gift contained when you were with Maria?"
His eyes flashed in rage and I sent him more regret. Then, as if transforming before my eyes he looked like he had aged a hundred years. Eventually he confessed, "Most of the time I didn't. There was too much hatred and fear and bloodlust, and for a long time I didn't even know I had a gift. It was just the constant, and Maria revelled in that atmosphere. Once I learned about my gift, I used the emotions of the environment and increased them purposefully when controlling the newborns or during a battle." He paused a moment as if uncertain he should continue.
After sending him appreciation, he resumed, "It was actually Peter who on the sly and in a joke mentioned that I exuded an atmosphere of fear as if it were a cloak I wore. It got me thinking. It took a bit of work and some feedback from Peter, but I figured out how to use my gift in my work. It also helped me understand why feeding was different for me than others. Maria mentioned once that I was a mirror. She liked to think that I simply amplified the emotions around me, but when Peter and I were alone, I practiced honing it. But I only knew how to generate the feelings around me, since at that time I assumed Maria was right."
"And what have you mastered since coming to us?" I enquired.
"That my gift is much more than a mirror. The greatest change is that I've learned has been how to send out an emotion not present in the atmosphere, but one that I've experienced prior," he stated, "and with being around humans for more than nourishment or possible recruits, I can even generate emotions experienced by humans, but not vampires, like stomach aches."
"I'm assuming that with Alice distressed and your full attention on her, that your gift acted like it did when you were in first years?" I verified.
He contemplated for a few minutes before answering, "More like my primary emotion spread out from me."
"Well, this was a new experience for everyone, so we're all learning," I offered to him. "Thank you for going through the discomfort of explaining. That is helpful for us all. Assuming Carlisle is correct and gifts grow stronger over time, then perhaps also the range you were sending is larger than when you were with Maria?"
He considered my suggestion before answering, "Perhaps double, but I cannot say for sure, since with Maria there was no real way to measure."
Smiling sadly and sending him my pride as well as gratitude, "Without doubt Carlisle will be interested in testing things and helping you understand this part of you more. In the mean time, it might be good for you to practice when Alice has a distressing vision of offering her your comfort as well as managing the mood around you."
"That means it will alter everyone's state that is present," he reminded me.
"Naturally," I allowed. "We shall need to discuss it at the family meeting. I only meant it as a means for you to practice. It makes sense that you were doing what felt natural to soothe Alice and your awareness that you were safe here meant you were able to give her your full focus. These are good things. It's just a question of how we all need to grow from this experience." Pausing briefly, I then added, "I apologise if my questions were distressing."
"Forgiven," Jasper told me with a smile. Then, looking serious once more he told me, "I have presumed that our conversation led to the events between Carlisle and you."
"You're not at fault, but yes," I stated.
"Then, perhaps it is I that needs to apologise," Jasper offered.
"It was merely the tipping point," I told him. "No apology needed." Turning to Alice, I softened my voice, "Thank you for keeping the family safe and for what you were required to see in order to do so. I know it was distressing for you."
She jumped out of her seat and ran to me. I opened my arms and hugged her.
When she stepped back she looked sad, "The future is murky and I can't see clearly."
"Then don't look and trust that we'll find a way forward," I assured her. "The danger came to you, right? You didn't need to search and look."
"Yes," she agreed.
"Relax," I encouraged her. "Carlisle and I are strong. Even if we've never faced anything quite like this before doesn't mean that our bond has weakened in anyway. Please don't worry. We have a lot to talk about at the family meeting. Hopefully, after we talk the future will clear."
She moved back to Jasper appearing calmer.
"What's your assessment, Jasper?" I wondered.
"That Rosalie and Emmett managed things the best out of all of us," he stated after a moment of thought.
"Bella thinks she owes you an apology?" I inquired.
He frowned, clearly searching his memory. After a bit he admitted, "Not sure."
Looking at both of them, I spoke softly hoping it was enough for the words to be private between us. "You both, perhaps more than anyone else in the house, will need to learn from this experiene. You both are gifted in ways that give an advantage to the family and to each other, but every gift has its weakness, and it seems like these events have found the kink in the two of you. Alice, Jasper needs to have confidence in Carlisle and I, even if you can't see it yet. Withdrawing into yourself or doing something without the other's input isn't wise. I understand you were working fast, but Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and maybe even Bella might have come up with an idea better than the ones you did. Stopping to check, instead of allowing your fear to rule you is critical."
She nodded with a sad smile.
"And Jasper you must find a way of keeping yourself grounded. Carlisle talked about asking you to step into the role of family leader if such an event were to happen again. To do so, you must find a way that pulls on the best of who you are while leaving behind the parts that no longer serve you. It means keeping the whole in mind, even when Alice is distressed, and even if it upsets her further. It is something we want you to consider. If that's not a role you want, then you are welcome to pass on it. If it makes a difference, after you, Rosalie is our next choice."
His surprise and gratitude with a touch of humbleness spread through the room.
"You're very welcome," I told him. "We trust you with our lives, just like you trust us with yours, no matter how many contingency plans you might have conjured."
He looked a little embarrassed and the atmosphere returned to its more neutral state.
"Change is not always bad, Alice," I told her my voice stern. "I get that you're afraid of the unknown. Without doubt your early years left a mark on you. You cannot allow that to be where you return, though. You are stronger than that. Lean into the family and trust us."
"I didn't mean to," Alice confessed, appearing contrite and still unsettled.
"Change is difficult," I reminded Alice. "Carlisle and I are changing as individuals and as a couple. These changes are good, in my opinion, but they're hard. You work on you. You didn't find happiness to lose it."
She smiled sadly and Jasper nodded appreciatively, appearing his more collected self, and returning to the man who had been a wise brotherly confidant to me.
"Please be downstairs when Bella is ready," I requested and then walked out of the room before texting Bella, so she would see my message when she woke up.
Aware of my need to process events, I went to my office and began drawing. Initially it was a charcoal impression of a family portrait including Bella. But as I continued to draw and allow my mind to relax, the image changed into something different. Not quite a human family portrait, but not a coven either. The greatest difference was that instead of it seeming like the family was complete, our positions in the image gave the impression that there was room for more. Perhaps there were more lost souls out there like Alice and Jasper who would need a refuge. Unequivocally, any addition would shift the family, but we would be able to withstand it. Certainly, the family was open to helping others like the two newborns, but each addition added a potential for pain if they choose to leave, so we would need to think carefully.
As I set the image aside and considered the implications, my conclusion was that the only constant is change, but that was fine by me.
Upon hearing Bella wake, I went to the kitchen and made her some pancakes with eggs. When she came into the room, I asked, "Dining room or sitting room?"
She looked at me wearily and then slumped her shoulders, probably figuring out that she wasn't getting out of whatever I had planned, and replied, "Sitting room."
By the time she got there everyone else had found a seat, and she chose the one next to Edward.
Saying nothing about her choice, even though it was the closest to Edward I had ever observed her choose since his return, I handed her the plate and sat myself.
"Carlisle will be here when he can and we will have a family meeting. What I was hoping to accomplish this morning is to clear the air," I let them know. "What Alice saw via her gift scared her because it was new to her. Carlisle and I were running on instinct and that left humans and others at risk. She did what she thought was best with some support from Edward to keep everyone safe. Her quick thinking and actions combined with the advantages of her gift are greatly appreciated. However, irrelevant of her best intentions and the overall positive outcome, it seems to have caused friction between the six of you. With Bella here we're going to create rules to equalize things."
Bella appeared to relax at the last sentence. The risk of being excluded always sent her on edge. Next time we had time alone it was a topic I would need to bring up.
"For the guidelines I have in mind, each person speaks their peace, using his or her turn to explain and air any complaints. If what is said refers to someone else, then that person will have a chance to respond, no one else. No crosstalk and everything is said so that Bella can hear it."
Looking around, everyone nodded in agreement.
"Bella, do you have commitments for today?" I checked.
"I do have a work shift today, but it's after class, as I'm covering for someone else. Class starts at ten," she answered.
"In that case, we'll pick up where we left off if we don't finish before you need to leave," I offered.
Once more everyone agreed.
"Who'd like to go first?" I asked.
Jasper started. "I would like to apologise to everyone for not managing my gift. Alice and I have talked about it together and then again with Esme. I suspect it was the perfect storm that took me back to an earlier time and how I managed things then. I know it raised tempers and contributed to Edward and Bella's fight, so I owe you two a particular apology."
"No problem, Jasper," Edward offered.
"Forgiven," Bella offered him. "I can't imagine how challenging things were for you."
There was a silence for a few minutes.
"I owe you an apology too Jasper," Bella said softly. When no one spoke she continued, "You told me not to worry and that even if we didn't know the details Carlisle and Esme's relationship was strong. Instead, I allowed my parent's divorce to cloud my mind and fears of Carlisle and Esme ending to overpower me. My head said that Carlisle and Esme are different from my parents, but my fear was too strong."
"My lack of controlling my gift didn't help," he pointed out.
"Maybe," she allowed, shrugging, "but I'm still responsible for my own thoughts and feelings. My lack of managing my own self might have even made your struggles worse. And the truth is that even when I wasn't near the house and thus you, these irrational fears were still present."
"You're forgiven, sis," he told her with a smile, his affection for her touching me.
She looked bashful and nodded focusing on her food.
Silence descended once more.
"Thank you for protecting Bella, Emmett," Edward said, sounding embarrassed and struggling to admit these things.
"That's what brothers are for," Emmett replied easily.
No one said anything for a while.
Then, Alice spoke her voice soft, "I apologise for not consulting everyone or really explaining myself. Seeing Carlisle and Esme like that was really scary for me and I allowed that to cloud my judgement. And then, my struggles hurt Jasper, so I own a part of Jasper's apology." Looking over at Rosalie and Emmett she added, "Thank you for not pushing or saying anything about it. It meant a lot that you trusted me and kept a cool head."
At almost the same time they both said, "It's okay, Alice,"
When silence resumed once more I looked at Rosalie and Emmett.
Eventually Emmett stated, "I'm good. It sucked, but we're all here standing."
Rosalie seemed to be struggling with her thoughts. After a few minutes she told us, "I hate being left out. I appreciate your apology, Alice, and you are forgiven. At the same time, I'm tired of being out of the loop and feeling like I'm an outsider."
Bella's mouth dropped open and she stared at Rosalie.
Rosalie continued as if she hadn't noticed Bella's reaction. "Just because I don't have a gift doesn't mean I can't contribute and it's hurtful," Rosalie finished sounding slightly defensive by the end.
Edward and Alice especially looked contrite.
"I apologise Rose," Edward offered. "What Alice saw distressed me also, and I didn't know how to explain. You were great about it and I really appreciate how you helped Bella. I'll try and do better next time."
She looked at him like he had grown two heads, but then this was probably the first time she'd expressed herself calmly and Edward had apologised. I could only pray that things between them really were changing.
"Fair enough," she stated and then curled herself into Emmett.
"I'll do better too, Rose," Alice promised.
Rosalie maintained eye contact with Alice for a moment and then nodded letting her know that she was forgiven.
After some silence that seemed peaceful, I checked, "Anything more?"
Rosalie looked a little bashful and asked, "You going to explain?"
"Carlisle and I gave into our vampiric instincts while having sex. Given our state, Alice was alerted to the possibility of a human dying if someone would have gotten too close to the house, and of a fight within the family if we had been interrupted. We will discuss what this might mean to the family at a table discussion when Carlisle arrives," I explained. Then turning to Edward and Alice, I asked, "Did I miss anything?"
They both shook their heads no.
"Things are changing," I reminded them all. "They started with Bella's arrival and continued with my vision. Change isn't something to be fearful of, especially as it offers us a chance to be stronger as individuals and as a group. I know you all want to see Carlisle and I as constants, but we are changing too."
Everyone nodded like they understood, but their body language was still conveying apprehension.
"Remember that it is our love that binds us. To have love we must have trust. Trust yourself and trust each other. I'm proud that Edward trusted Rosalie to care for Bella and did not fight Emmett's removal of him from the situation. I'm proud of Rosalie for appreciating that Alice and Edward were trying their best to protect the family, even if that meant she was excluded. And I'm proud of each of you for being honest and forgiving each other. Wherever our bonds have been frayed, we need to heal them."
They all smiled and whispered a form of "Yes, ma'am."
Proud of them I let them know that I would text them once I knew when Carlisle could visit and that I would be in my office if they needed me.
They all stayed in the room chatting and seeming to bond. Most interestingly was that Edward and Bella had both, probably unaware, taken to leaning towards each other. Bella's continued increasing proximity to Edward was good news in my book. An additional welcome was the lack of bickering, even between Rosalie and Edward or Alice and Edward. All of their growth and maturity in handling the situation was welcome if not a bit off-putting. There were errors made, but it hadn't resulted in the regular blame throwing and defensive posturing of the past. Maybe that had all happened before I arrived, but it was, nevertheless, a blessed change. It would be odd for our family, but a group of young adults rather than older teens sounded like a welcomed transformation. I couldn't help but wonder how much of that was due to Bella's arrival to our family.
Sitting in my office reflecting, it was clear that I was stepping more and more into a leadership role. In a way it wasn't terribly different from the tasks I had done all these decades. Gently I had attempted to help guide each of them into becoming their best self, exploring different degrees and interests. The main difference was my approach in doing so. Instead of gentle nudges from the background, I was setting firmer boundaries and clearer expectations.
Carlisle had been texting when he could, telling me how much he missed me and sweet messages. I would be glad for his presence.
Bella had left with Jasper and Alice following her. Within a few hours Rosalie and Emmett also left.
These changes had inspired me. Once it was just Edward in the house, I decided to capture these thoughts and feelings through drawings on a canvas. I was just beginning preparations when there was knock on the door.
"Enter, Edward," I told him with a smile.
He opened the door and leaned on the doorframe reminding me of when we had first met. When he didn't say anything, I continued my preparation process.
Picking out my colours and putting them on the table, Edward asked, "Do you think I was resistant to change as a human?"
Stopping what I was doing and looking at him, I thought about it seriously. "Well, Carlisle says that you were stubborn, determined to join the war effort, despite your mother's vocal resistance, and that you got yourself sick taking care of her, rather than leaving it to the servants."
He looked like he was trying to remember himself as a human. A while later his eyes focused back on me. "The flu took so much."
"Between your sickness and the burn of venom, it is a wonder you remember anything," I reassured him. "But back to your question, my guess would be that your social station allowed your family to withstand the turmoil of the lower classes. Rosalie also dislikes change and you both come from similar social statuses."
He mused, "You think that the lack of significant changes as a human gave us a belief that the world is static?"
"Yes, something like that," I agreed. When he said nothing more, I asked, "Do you know why change bothers you so much?"
After some consideration he answered, "Change feels like a ghost walking over my grave. It's foreboding and has a sense of dread."
Considering his words, I offered, "Perhaps that is something you and Rose also have in common. The biggest change in your world resulted in becoming a vampire. Maybe change feels dreadful to you, because it contains loss and death."
"Could be," he offered nonchalantly, but his countenance suggested that I had hit pay dirt.
Going over and putting my hand on his face, I told him, "Change can be glorious. When a woman becomes pregnant her body changes so much she may come to not recognise herself. Yet, from those changes a new life is born. Yes, death is sad, and change can mean a loss, but it doesn't have to every time. Change in itself is neutral and simply a part of how God made the universe."
His eyes got bigger. "You've come to believe in God?"
Smiling sadly, I confessed, "I never stopped believing in God, Edward. I simply decided before I threw myself off the cliff that God had forgotten me. The events since Bella entered my life, and especially since last January have convinced me that God had not forsaken me, but simply had a different plan for me than I had expected. My son died and I died, but then I was reborn and became Carlisle's wife, and your friend. Bella's appearance has come with nomads and newborn armies, but also incredible transformations of each of us. Along the way, I realised that God loved me and I was beloved. It might be hard to lean into the unknown and have faith, but it is preferable to living a life of fear."
He smiled slightly and after a few minutes told me, "You amaze me Esme. Your entrance into Carlisle's and my life was a difficult change at first, but a blessed one. I still don't think that we retain our souls when we become vampires, but I am beginning to wonder if perhaps it isn't a curse." He stood still for a long time before he spoke again. When he did he sounded wearied by life. "This existence wasn't terrible until I wasn't the centre of Carlisle's universe. I suspect that my mother's life revolved around mine, and Carlisle revolving his life around me suited me well. After my newborn years he craved to get back to work. I wanted to tell him to stay and keep me company, but even then it sounded childish, so I held my tongue. Perhaps ever since each person added to the family has bothered me, because it forced me to share him more. In my head I am aware that, assuming I had stayed human, in less than a year I would have left my parents' home either for the war effort or for college, and life would have changed. No one's life would have revolved about me anymore. When I examine my own thoughts the more they look like Rosalie's, and then I'm appalled." He smiled sideways like he had made a joke in poor taste.
"It is interesting to consider how much you and Rose are alike, especially as you two are the ones that Carlisle felt compassion for to such a degree that he changed you both," I pointed out.
He looked uncomfortable. "Well, that says more about Carlisle than us, I suppose."
Smiling widely I agreed. After a few moments, I asked, "How do you see these reflections connecting to Bella?"
His eyes were at the ceiling clearly thinking. After a long silence he stated his tone soft, "Nothing had touched me like Bella. With her I regained the sense that someone had made me the centre of their world, and it gave me a great sense of contentment. At the same time, my years of murdering humans and then the multiple ways I killed Bella in Alice's visions instilled in me the belief that I didn't deserve it."
"And you were afraid," I interjected.
"And I was afraid," he agreed sadly. "Afraid she would measure me and find me wanting. Keeping her in my life terrified me, her rejecting me terrified me, and ruining her future was deplorable. There was no peace to be found, except in her presence, and yet I was certain I was unworthy of that peace." He sighed. "If Rosalie can change so much that I barely recognise her actions, then I can too. I might have lost Bella, but I can't let the family down, and being the spoiled brat that wants my parents to myself isn't becoming."
"Understandable, though" I countered.
"Perhaps, but no more," he seemed to be vowing. Then smiling sadly he uttered, "Can't have Rosalie outdoing me."
Smiling alongside him I agreed teasingly, "No, we can't have that."
He said nothing for a few minutes and then looking at me appearing lost, he asked, "Do you think Bella could love this new me?"
"What God had put together no man can put asunder, or vampire I might add," I replied.
Sighing, he mused, "I guess that's the million dollar question."
"Yes, probably," I agreed. "But you're only going to find the answer by risking yourself."
Frowning he answered, "As much as I wish that were not the answer, it is the only one I've come to." After a minute of silence he added, "It's strange that the only thing I'm afraid of other than guardians, werewolves, and the Volturi is Bella."
I started chuckling and then thought over my own human life and my vision.
"Sorry, Esme," Edward voiced repentant, "that was insensitive of me."
"Probably the truth," I assuaged.
He shook his head. "It's hard to imagine Carlisle being afraid of you."
Disagreeing, I told him, "More afraid of the feelings I conjured in him and the possible consequences."
He raised his eyebrow. "Are you suggesting that I'm like Carlisle?"
Looking at him surprised, I countered, "Do you not think so?"
"Carlisle is a manner of man that surpasses me by spades," he contradicted.
"Perhaps," I allowed not wishing to get into that discussion, "but that doesn't mean that you don't share many personality qualities."
He pondered that. After some time he stated, "Perhaps, but that also means that Rosalie and he share some of those same qualities."
Smiling widely, I offered, "Well, the three of you are the only ones to have studied medicine."
Edward looked like he was choking. When he recovered, he told me, "I do think that this version of Miss Platt is far more dangerous than the one I first met."
Chuckling, I assured him, "No more dangerous, but certainly changed."
Looking more solemn, he asked, "Are you and Carlisle truly well?"
Allowing my mind to review the first days, knowing full well that Edward would see much more than he wanted, I struggled to find the words to explain, "Carlisle struggles against his nature and sees us vampires similar in many ways to the lessons given to him by his father. He struggles every day to prove that his father's beliefs do not apply to him, and it makes him one of the rarest of our kind. At the same, he rarely allows himself to sink into his instincts. There are no words to explain the experience. What I know is that giving into our vampire nature and what Carlisle and I went through as a result has strengthened us. We are not monsters and although we are not humans, our nature is not wrong or evil. There are those of us who use our nature to do evil, but humans do the same."
He looked distraught and with great hesitancy asked, "Is it not your gift?"
That possibility had never crossed my mind, and my thoughts swirled.
"I didn't mean to upset you, Esme," Edward offered to me.
"What are your thoughts to ask such a question?" I wondered.
He looked reluctant, and then requested, "I need your vow that you will not repeat what I share."
Nodding in agreement, I was curious what would cause him to ask me for such a thing.
"I have mentioned that the tone of thoughts change when we give into our instincts," he offered, and I nodded knowing he had said as much in our first years. "Often my siblings join together when we hunt and when they do so are often unaware that I am still in range. Over the years I have experienced through them the kind of instinctual exchange that was in your thoughts."
"Carlisle and I have never, though," I countered.
He mused, "Yes, perhaps it could be put down to simply it being the first time and it altering your bond, but I don't think that's it entirely. Even in your instinctual state, I sense something else at play, like a greater part of you is seeking a higher purpose. That is the best I can explain it."
I had nothing to compare it to, so took Edward's word for it. It was definitely food for thought. "Thank you for overcoming any personal discomfort discussing this might have caused you. You bring up something important. Would it be possible to find a way to bring it up at the family meeting?"
He pondered that for a while before speaking, "Yes, I could do that if you believe it to be that important."
"If you really believe that my ability to draw and my vision is more than that, and something that altered Carlisle and I, then absolutely it needs to be brought to the family."
"Alright, I will," he agreed, albeit very reluctantly.
"I appreciate it," I told him while trying to picture what he meant.
"Esme," he whined, "once was more than enough."
Smiling at his Edwardian ways, I teased, "Well, perhaps you really are cursed."
He smiled although reluctantly, "Funny, funny."
"Yes, I thought so," I told him playfully. "Please help me."
His face dropping, he muttered, "The things I do."
Closing my eyes, so I could focus entirely on the experience, I slowed it down reflecting on each thought and behaviour. When I remembered giving into my instinct he said nothing, even though I expected him to point that out. Instead, when I had moved my lower body away from Carlisle not allowing him the angle to penetrate me, Edward said his voice strained, "That." Backing up a little, I reviewed the memory even slower. Just like he said, right before I moved my body was an intuitive spark. Focusing on it, I tried to understand what it was exactly, but it seemed beyond my reach like trying to grab fog.
"Try imagining it as a friend or helper in some way," Edward told me, but his voice was distorted like it was far away.
Nevertheless, I did as he suggested. Instead of trying to move towards it, I talked to it like I would a small child. The only thing that happened was a sense of peace that passed over me. When I opened my eyes many hours had passed.
"Jasper home?" I wondered feeling disorientated, which was a strange sensation.
"Yes," Edward replied.
"If you have a moment, Jasper, I would appreciate your input," I spoke knowing he would hear me.
Bella's heartbeat rang out loud and clear as did Rosalie and Emmett's voices.
Jasper showed up in the doorframe and immediately my craving for Bella's blood decreased some.
Realising what Jasper had done, I sent him my immense gratitude.
"Perhaps this would be better accomplished away from the house," Edward suggested, his voice tight. Whether that was his own bloodlust or his awareness of how Bella's blood had called to me it was hard to say.
"A wise suggestion," I agreed, loathing the idea that I might hurt Bella.
Believing that avoiding Bella would be best, I dropped out of my office window followed by Edward and then Jasper. Running away from the house, I caught the scent of deer on the wind and followed it grabbing the first that I came across. Jasper also grabbed something by the sound of it. My thirst decreased I texted Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett where in the forest we could be found, if needed. Then, I placed myself in the lotus position hoping it might help.
When Jasper joined us, I explained Edward's idea that my gift was greater than we had thought, and what we had already done. "I was hoping that I could repeat viewing the memory and the exercise I did, while Jasper you monitor me and let me know if you pick up anything."
He closed his eyes and I could feel wisps of familial love, like my emotions were being wrapped in silk. Aware that the experience, albeit odd, was simply Jasper requesting permission to use his gift within me, rather than waiting for the emotions to enter the atmosphere, I opening myself up, telling myself that Jasper was here to help. Once I made this choice, it was like I had opened a door permitting the wisps of sensors to enter me. It was extremely intimate and consequently slightly disquieting, but, given our conversations, I knew it was uncomfortable for him also, so I worked at inviting his gift in as much as possible through sending him acceptance and my love.
Warning Edward mentally that I was going to begin again and sending Jasper appreciation, I once more focused on the moment Edward had pointed out. Repeating my action of speaking like it was a timid small child, I experienced the sense of complete contentment. Then, there was this awareness that it was helping me and could be trusted. Leaning into that feeling, I tried to convey back to it that it had my utter confidence, in much the way I communicated with Jasper using my emotions. My body seemed to get warm, but from the inside out starting in the centre where the heart chakra is believed to reside. It spread up and down my body along the chakra line. Thank goodness for Alice's period of studying Eastern mysticism. Once my centre felt like it was glowing with heat it spread out towards my skin in every direction. When it covered every part of me I attempted to send it acceptance, appreciation, and love. It became a loop that I did not want to end.
Then, in the far distance I heard Rosalie calling my name sounding worried. Even though I was enjoying this space and was reluctant to leave, her concern pulled me towards her. When I opened my eyes Rosalie and Emmett were looking at me with a combination of awe and concern.
"What?" I asked, confused at their appearance, especially Jasper who looked stoned, which seemed impossible, and Edward who looked raptured.
A/N: So? So? What do you think is happening with Esme? (bites my fingernails in anticipation)