Chapter 9: In A Hundred More
We all sat around the table after Bella had finished her breakfast. Personally, I was slightly uncomfortable with our next topic, but for the family's sake talking through events was important. Jasper's gift touched me, offering me confidence and ease. Smiling at him and sending him my gratitude, I chose to stay silent.
"Who wants to start?" Carlisle offered when no one spoke up.
Bella looked hesitate to speak, but I squeezed her hand slightly as a means of encouragement and everyone waited. She looked around the room and then shyly said, "Anyone mind filling me in as to why we need to discuss Esme's gift. I mean," she started and then stuttered, "it's not like I forgot her vision or its impact," she paused taking a breath seeming even more nervous than when she started, "it seems like I'm out of the loop."
Everyone looked guilty. I had assumed someone had filled her in, and by the looks of it everyone assumed that I had.
"I apologise, Bella," I started, "it seems like we all assumed someone else had caught you up to speed with recent events and the reason for discussing it as a family."
There were collective murmurings of apologies apart from Carlisle, who appeared pleased at Bella speaking up.
Unsurprisingly, it was Carlisle who spoke next, "A gift can often be a complicated thing. Eleazar, the one male of the Denalis, has a gift of seeing gifts. Without him we talk about it and guess at it."
Bella looked around and then stopped at Carlisle, "Why not just go up and talk with him?"
Everyone looked uncomfortable and Carlisle spoke once more, "You know that a human knowing the truth about our world is a crime?"
She nodded and then awareness seemed to dawn. "You don't want to put your friends in the firing range," she muttered under her breath.
Carlisle agreed and added, "Once you are turned then we will all travel up to Denali and Eleazar can add his two cents. In fairness, the first time he met Esme he told me that she had the gift of imagining the fullest potential in something and helping it come true. I always thought that meant in relation to houses and gardens, as she has a magical way with both, as well as her paintings, so I didn't think his words meant more than that. Seeing her gift become more than these outlets, I'm still unsure if he really could add more clarity, even if he did examine Esme again."
Bella looked like she understood the implications. Whether she did or not was another matter. Hopefully she would ask more questions if she needed to.
"Let's list what we know," Carlisle instructed.
"Her vision and support has altered us," Rosalie stated.
"She has been growing into herself and taken on more leadership roles," Jasper added with a wink.
More and more he seemed like a little annoying brother with occasional wisdom. It was a good feeling and allowed me to believe that I could lean on him as much as he sought my perspective. It was new for us, at least at this frequency and with the feelings, but I liked it.
Edward looked questioning at me, I nodded in agreement to his unspoken enquiry, and then he spoke, "I suspect that her gift is what caused the alterations in Carlisle and her relationship." He looked uncomfortable, but nevertheless continued, "In her memories it's different when compared to similar situations in regards to Alice and Jasper or Rosalie and Emmett."
Bella's mouth opened a little and her eyes widened. Then, she looked at me and blushed. Meanwhile, everyone else's mouth tightened knowing what that meant about Edward's awareness of their intimate moments. Fortunately, not even Rosalie said anything. I could only hope that they didn't say anything remiss to him in their thoughts.
"How so?" Carlisle asked, clearly curious with having no sign of discomfort.
Edward appeared to grow in embarrassment, but answered, "At a crucial moment there was this element that I had never seen in a person's thoughts before. I did an exercise with Esme to try and isolate it. When Jasper returned home Esme wanted to try again with him to monitor her feelings. Her belief was that with us both observing her we could determine what the element was that had influenced her, hypothesising that it was her gift manifesting in some new way."
Carlisle turned to Jasper, so then did everyone else.
Jasper's eyes were unfocused and he seemed to be in deep thought. We waited until he spoke, "I cannot describe the feeling. Only literature or the scriptures might accurately capture the sense. It was like being wrapped in complete warmth and love. There was nothing but pure positive notes. I imagine it is a little bit like what babies feel when they live in their mother's womb. No words would do it justice."
After a few minutes Edward added, "A bright light filled my vision, but it wasn't from any source. It reminds me a little of stories of humans who have come near death and their description of moving towards a warm light."
I allowed a minute of silence before I contributed, "When I did the exercise with Edward, I saw something that reminded me of a flame, but not any kind I've ever seen before. Then, when Jasper joined us, I had this lovingly warm feeling start from the centre of my chest and travel in all directions. It was beautiful, but I know nothing about what I experienced or what was happening beyond this."
Long minutes passed before the silence was broken with Bella's voice, "How does this connect with what Eleazar said?"
"Good question," Carlisle praised her and then turned to everyone. "Ideas?"
Bella had a half pleased half embarrassed look. It was darling and told me that she was growing closer to Carlisle. I was glad that she had found a way to move past his mistake.
"Jay-man could you send the feeling out?" Emmett asked clearly thinking seriously.
Jasper looked at me and I nodded in agreement.
"I'm not sure if it will be a true replica. Esme would be best to tell us how close I get," Jasper warned.
"Couldn't Esme just focus on whatever it was and when she's feeling it you send it out?" Emmett questioned.
"Perhaps we should try just Jasper sending it out first," I put in, "Each time I focused on it I lost time and space, and then when I came to was thirsty."
"Oh, yeah, sure," Emmett agreed immediately grasping my concern. "No problem."
"Go ahead," I encouraged Jasper.
He took a deep breath and stilled to stone. It took a minute before I felt the beginning of what he was sending out. About ten minutes later it faded.
"It's like a baby's joy with a mother's love and the euphoria of being joined with your mate," Rosalie spoke softly, her tone in awe.
"It reminded me of laughing with my mother about some crazy thing she had done and being wrapped in my father's arms," Bella said quietly.
"I felt like I was in the presence of angels, trepidation, and raptured pleasure," Carlisle uttered in reverence.
It was a good couple of minutes before Edward shook his head, "What kind of gift could that possibly be?"
Looking at Carlisle, I offered him, "Perhaps it would be helpful for you to share how it touched you?"
He nodded and collected himself, "When Esme and I stopped to quench our thirst any and all wounded pride, lingering minuscule irritation was gone. It transformed how I saw Esme. She stopped being my changeling and mate and became my mate only. It was like it removed all the parts of us that no longer served us and we started anew while retaining the intimacy that can only be had after all our years together." He was beaming with pride for me, while his tone held nothing but gratefulness. "It freed me from struggling through changing my views of us. Not to say those days together were easy by any means, but to be altered in that way over a near two week span, rather years seems incredible and miraculous."
"So, she brought forth the highest version of your relationship?" Rosalie offered clearly trying out the words as they exited his mouth.
"At least as much as it can be at this moment in time," Carlisle agreed beaming.
"Seeing it in her mind has altered my mindset," Edward admitted looking shy about doing so.
"How so?" Carlisle enquired.
Everyone else appeared curious, except Bella who looked anxious.
"The best way I can describe it is that it generated within me a vision," Edward hedged. "It was like I could see myself as if I had stayed human, kept maturing, and settled into life. Suddenly the fears and beliefs that have been fundamental to me seemed unnecessary, like they served their purpose and if I wanted, there was the possibility to grow into the next stage. It was revolutionary for me, and changed how I saw myself. Since you told me, Carlisle, that our personalities were frozen at the time of our change, I believed that change was impossible for me. Now, it seems not just possible but likely, if only I would allow the change to occur."
Bella was nibbling on her lip, a sure sign that she was nervous, while everyone else looked at Edward like he had grown a second head.
"Maybe we're not cursed after all," Rosalie offered softly.
"We're still killers," Edward contradicted.
"So, are humans," Rosalie countered, "They consume mammals, even most of the same animals we kill. Without doubt millennia ago they did so with arrows and spears. We do it with our hands and teeth. But is there much difference? They consume the meat, while we the blood. Sure, we crave human blood, and that part is a little cannibal, but at one time there were humans who drank blood and ate other tribes, not to mention that moneys are cannibals. I'm not suggesting that I want to live with the guilt of drinking human blood and all that means, but maybe we're only perceiving ourselves as monsters because of the values we held as human when we were changed. I can imagine that the humans who became vampires ten thousand years ago would have far less aversion than we do."
We all looked shocked at Rose.
"What?" she replied haughtily. "A girl can change her mind," she offered defensively.
"I'm glad to see the change, Rose, truly," Carlisle offered with a warm smile. "I only ever wanted you to have a chance at living."
"I know," she answered softly with a hint of chagrin. "Esme's been doing wonders all around."
"Why now?" mused Alice.
Carlisle looked at everyone in a gentle encouragement to voice whatever thoughts came to mind.
"It started with Esme's vision," Alice stated, "so maybe it started because we'd moved away from our best selves and her gift kicked in as a way of getting us back on track." By the end it sounded like a question, but it was as good a theory as any, in my mind at least.
"But it's getting even stronger?" Bella proposed bashfully, "So, after a hundred years it manifests?"
"My gift was with me from my newborn years and has strengthened over time," Alice put in.
"Same with mine," Jasper agreed, "although I've learned more about it, and thus have gained skill in using it, as a Cullen in comparison to my time with Maria."
"Mine is like Alice's," Edward contributed.
"In fairness, your three gifts aren't anything like Esme's," Rosalie rebutted. "Esme has always helped each of us grow and move closer to our best selves, it just has been in her words and how she cares for us before now. We made a bad decision to leave Bella, the family was miserable, and then, her gift offers what we need in order to return and get things in order. The family is shifting and changing. We need something new, and then, her gift helps her with things with Carlisle. Maybe that would have been enough, but we have Edward who can stick his nose in things that might otherwise be unnoticed and Jasper too, but in a different way. If Edward wouldn't have mentioned it, would you have found the flame, Esme?"
Considering it, I replied, "No, I don't think I would have."
"There you go," Emmett stated like the conversation was done.
Rosalie was beaming and Bella looked impressed while Jasper smiled lazily and Alice and Edward rolled their eyes.
"Sounds like a good enough hypothesis," Carlisle agreed. "Any guesses on the flame or feeling Jasper sent out?"
"Maybe it's Esme's vision representation of her gift," Jasper suggested.
Carlisle waved his hand for Jasper to say more.
"Edward's and Alice's gifts happen to them, much like how I pick up the emotions in the atmosphere. They're passive and no visualisation needed. They just happen."
Edward and Alice nodded in agreement.
"But when I project it's different. For instance, what I sent out required me to actively remember the feeling and then imagine taking it and spreading it," he offered. "Maybe Esme's mind is simply offering an image and sensation to match her gift so she can conceptualise it better."
"When we were focusing on it while in the woods the warmth started in my centre above the belly button, and then actually what I imagined was it moving along the chakra lines," I told them believing that it supported Jasper's idea.
"Does it matter?" Emmett asked. When everyone looked upset at his question, he added, "Look, if Esme's gift is to help and care for others, then she doesn't need to do anything. It's not like Jasper's emotional mojo. She's not sending anything or doing anything other than being Esme. I mean if she wants to learn more about it, then sure, but it's not like it's a danger to the family or humans or anything at all. So, why do we need answers? Maybe in this case, maybe a bit of mystery is better."
"What are you thinking, Em?" Jasper asked, clearly picking up something in his emotions.
Emmett sighed. "I get that you guys like to know how things work, but knowing how the sunrise gets its colours can take the beauty from it. I've always thought of Esme a bit like a healing angel, and I guess there's a part of me from my human life that has a healthy respect for letting things be unless they're hurting me or mine. This is doing neither and I don't like us picking apart something that is an integral part of Esme like she's a fascinating specimen. It seems rude and I'd hate to disrespect a lady."
His speech impressed me and stressed to me how much he was also changing. He had always had a serious side, but he had hid it behind boyish behaviours. It was fantastic to see him coming more into this part of himself. I would have to tell him later how much him being my champion meant to me.
Carlisle looked at me, clearly giving me the floor.
"I might choose to do some more focusing exercises, just to learn a bit more about it myself, but personally I have all the answers I need, at least for now," I stated. "Thank you all."
Bella applied pressure to my hand before saying, "Anytime, Esme." Everyone else, bar Carlisle, shared similar sentiments.
"Anything else?" Carlisle asked.
No one said anything, so we ended the meeting. About an hour later Bella left for work leaving me to ponder how I was going to have some alone time with her.
Carlisle asked Edward to spend time with him. They went out, and might get some blood as well, but I suspected that they mostly were going to talk. I was glad to see Carlisle following through with Emmett's recommendation. My hope was that this new version of Carlisle would be exactly what Edward needed.
Emmett and Rosalie were in their room spending time together, while Alice and Jasper had left, no doubt ensuring with their gifts to stay clear of where Edward and Carlisle had gone.
After a few minutes considering how to best use the time afforded to me, I decided to paint. First, I drew the spark that had come to me working at not seeing the image in front of me as much as attempting to create what I had seen internally. When I felt content enough, next my hand drew the experience of the light filling me. As soon as I started, it was obvious that it would need to be a series. The first canvas was barely halfway started when I heard Bella come home.
Putting everything away, I found her in the kitchen making herself dinner. Sitting down at the island, I asked her how she was doing.
"Okay, I guess," she answered, keeping her eyes on her chopping.
"No one is home, Bella," I told her in hopes that it would allow her to open up more. "You sound like you have things you need to talk through. It doesn't have to be me, but I'm happy to listen."
She stopped what she was doing and stared at me as if searching for answers through a gaze. "What does it mean about the change of leadership? I don't get the implication or ramification or anything." Then, she started crying, speaking even though her breathing was rough "It's just so hard. You all have a hundred years together. I'm always playing catch up."
Moving to wrap my arms around her, I attempted to comfort her and encourage her to get it out.
Her voice raising in volume she asked in a rhetorical way, "Am I ever going to be enough? Am I ever going to fit in?" Her crying was causing her words to be more ragged as she carried on, "Was it too much to ask for? I've stumbled, literally and figuratively through my life. I couldn't ever completely take care of Renée, God love her. There was always something she forgot and I just couldn't trust her to carry her part of the responsibilities for even the simplest things. And Charlie, has tried, I know he has, and he sent child support, but a bit of money and two weeks a year isn't enough. What did I do wrong?" Then, her crying became too intense to speak. As her legs gave out, I took her gently to the floor holding her in my arms and rocking her all while I whispered assuring comforting words to her.
Edward's and Carlisle's gait came into my hearing range.
Bella's upset. Please tell Carlisle and come back in an hour or more and tell everyone else to stay away for a bit. She needs to work through this privately.
Their gait immediately indicated that they were leaving. Thank goodness Edward listened to me. In the past, it would have been hit or miss that he might have ignored my request and barged in. Perhaps his trust in me was growing. How that might be was a conversation for another day.
It was over twenty minutes later when Bella's eyes met mine. A touch above a whisper she asked, "Why am I falling apart around you?"
Gazing down at her, I told her sincerely, "Because you need a mother, and I seem to be the closest thing you have to one."
She smiled sadly, then moved herself out of my lap and sat with her back against the island.
After many minutes she asked softly, "Why does it upset me so much? They love me. Renée's great in so many ways. Charlie cares. People have it far worse."
"Sure," I agreed easily, "but that doesn't mean that you got your needs met. Them being good caring loving people doesn't make them great parents. And Bella, I know this might be hard to hear, but they were about two years younger than you are right now when Renee got pregnant and a year younger than you are now when they had you. What did they know about children? I believe that they did an amazing job raising you, despite their limitations. Yes, their lack has meant you've lacked, but that is no different than Carlisle, myself, and Edward. Carlisle and I lacked what Edward needed. We were too afraid to lose him, too afraid that he would return to hunting humans, but mostly afraid that we would lose him for good. And because of that fear we avoided conflict with him. It neither served him nor you. This is the cost of being a parent. You can only offer a child what you have within yourself and your weakness become the spaces where your child is lacking."
She had wiped her eyes many times already, but by the end of my speech she looked surprised and sad.
"It would be easy to be mad at them," she muttered. "When you put it that way, it's hard not to feel sad for them instead."
"Of course," I concurred, "mad and sad are both forms of grief and you're grieving, rightfully so. Grieving what you wish you had and didn't is an important step of the healing process. Another step I believe is important for your spirit along with your future would be to forgive them their limitations, becoming aware of who they are as people, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and then decide the way to engage with them that is healthiest for you."
Sadness coating her features and words as she stated, "I already know that Renée can't be more than an old friend. She's busy with Phil and in a way needs to be the free spirit without a daughter that she wants to be. Charlie is a very loyal person. He cares about me and I think feels guilty, so is trying to make up for the time he lost. I appreciate that and he's great, but we were never close. It's been great to get to know him better, but drawing even closer to him seems hurtful given my future plans. No, the best option is to be happy in my own life, create distance from him slowly in a way that's natural, and hope he has a love-filled future."
"You know them and yourself best," I expressed to her wanting to support her growing maturing awareness. "Just remember that grief is to be expected and, truly, grieving as a human will help you when you do decide to be turned."
She nodded and seemed lightened by the thought that this process, as difficult as it was to her, would aid her further down the line.
"I'm curious about something," I told her as a way of hinting about my desire to change the topic.
She indicated that I should go ahead with a slight tip of her head.
"When Edward, you, and I were together you appeared to desire to comfort him when he had looked lost. I'm wondering if you are aware of your reaction and the reason?"
She tilted her head to the side and her eyes looked unfocused. Then, she stood up.
"Want help?" I checked.
"Nah," she replied, "I think better while cooking."
Smiling at her willingness to be honest and state her need, albeit indirectly, I went back to the island chair and sat once more watching her work.
She had set aside the vegetables and was getting out the pan when she spoke. "I love him, you know. Doesn't matter if he doesn't love me. Doesn't matter if we're barely friends. And because I love him there's a desire to comfort him. I always did that for my mom. She'd get upset about something and it was my job to comfort her."
After a few minutes and her saying nothing else, I enquired, "So, comforting someone when they're upset is a way to show your love?"
Her cheeks pinkened while she agreed.
"So," I mused, "you held yourself from doing so, because you aren't ready to express that kind of affection to Edward?"
A few tears rolled down her cheek and she wiped them. "It's too hard when we're near each other to resist him. It's easier if I keep my distance."
"Thus your hard lines and distance are a way to keep your heart safe, and comforting him would have violated that," I surmised.
She looked up at me startled and after a moment agreed, "Precisely."
Allowing time to pass, I eventually broke it by telling her, "You know, darling, it is common to love our friends. It is, of course, a different kind of love than being in love romantically. You've hinted at loving Jacob and your deep gratitude towards him."
Her cheeks filled with blood and it began to grow down her neck.
"Part of the challenge of being a young adult is learning to distinguish between the different types of love and how to handle the belief of being indebted to someone without that controlling your actions. Accepting another's help, while only giving them your gratitude is often a difficult lesson."
She nodded like she was already learning those lessons, and Jacob immediately came to mind, maybe even her parents.
"The beauty of your wish to become friends with Edward is allowing yourself to learn how much of your care for him is friendship and how much is romantic," I informed her.
Mulling my words over, she eventually asked, "How did you tell the difference?"
Considering how to explain it, I told her, "In my opinion it's different for everyone. Clearly one of the biggest differences is physical attraction. However, it's easy to be physically attracted to someone and there not be love. Vampires too desire physical connection with others that can be trusted, even if they make that connection with someone who isn't their mate. Trust is a component of friendship, and thus important, but you can trust someone, be attracted to them, and not have romantic feelings. To me, romantic love contains a sense of coming home. There's a peace and restfulness that exists nowhere else. It's a precious feeling."
While stirring and finishing her meal, she bit her bottom lip clearly thinking deeply. Sitting next to me at the island, she looked over at me. Then, as she took a bite and chewed she seemed to come to some answer. "I'm not sure I've experienced that."
Smiling for her to continue, she took another bite.
After almost half of her meal was gone she expounded, "It was shortly after I met Edward. I had figured out that Edward was a vampire. It hit me that I was irrevocably in love with him, and thus his species made no difference. If he killed me, if he drained me, if he, fill in the blank, it didn't matter. My love was so profound that I would give him everything, even my existence. I lied about my location when he took me to the meadow for the first time, even though I knew there was a fair chance of him killing me in order to protect him from any negative consequences. At the time my feelings seemed like they eclipsed everything else, my existence revolved around him, and he owned my heart."
It seemed like she had more to say, so I held my tongue.
After a few more bites, she added, "Even at the time I was aware of how unhealthy it was, how it stole my independence and made me worth little in comparison to him. I didn't particularly like how loving him changed me, but it was too powerful for me to be able to resist it. My assumption was that it was because he was a vampire and the nature of mates."
When she said nothing more for a while, I probed, "And now?"
"There's something there between us, and my heart still beats for him, but much of the rest seems to be about me and not him being a vampire."
Putting my right hand on her left hand reaching across the marble top, I told her earnestly, "Being willing to sacrifice yourself as an act of love is a noble attribute. At the same time, doing so blindly and without counting the cost, especially as your words make it seem like you held little value for your life, seems unhealthy. It's much like what happened with James. Your willingness to protect your mom from a sadistic vampire was extremely admirable. The rest was folly. If you had told Jasper, he could have potentially created a situation where you walked into the ballet studio knowing Alice would remove your mother from the situation and Jasper would fight James. Instead, you were willing to die meaninglessly. And offering your blood to Edward was equally folly. If he had killed you, he would have been crushed under the guilt. You would do nothing more than ruin the both of you." By the end my tone contained a note of admonishment.
Her words gave me even greater insight into how very deeply damaged her past had marked her, and it aggravated me. Calming my ire, I worked at having my love and care for her shine through.
She hung her head. "I know that now." She took a breath and looked up at me. "It still seems like taking a breath and my heart beating requires his presence, as if without him they would cease to have purpose, but I'm beginning to see the rest as an unhealthy reaction due to my parents' limitations." Then, very softly she muttered, "I'm still irrevocably in love with him, and I suspect that part will never change."
Smiling encouragingly at her, I told her, "Nothing wrong with irrevocable love, and that love giving you meaning is certainly how us vampires feel about our mates. It's just the rest, Bella. I hope that soon you can believe yourself to be as precious and important as I believe you to be. And, you might want to consider your pattern of comforting someone as an act of love. Nothing wrong with it necessarily, yet, at the same time, if not doing so causes you guilt or shame, that might be something for you to work on."
Through a few tears that fell she thanked me, and then clearly needing a change of topic told me about her chemistry lab partner that was failing to do his part and her frustration about it.
"Group work is difficult with a poor partner," I agreed.
She smiled at me when she knew my comment referenced more than just the present situation, and had a look like she was remembering something.
"I'm just going to do both parts, turn it in, report him to the lab instructor, and get my grade," she informed me, hopefully talking it out had helped her reach the decision.
"It gets easier as you progress," I assured her. "And if you decide to do a Master's or PhD, that will even more be true as your peers will care also."
Her eyes got big. "A PhD?" she mumbled.
"Of course," I replied surprised at her disbelief.
"You know I'm the first in my family to go to college," she reminded me. "Everyone has helped me navigate things. Alice was superb about registration and all kinds of details. Jasper has been great at social interaction, how to be apart but not too involved, Emmett reminds me all the time to enjoy myself, and Rosalie keeps encouraging me to have college experiences in a way that feels comfortable to me. My parents had no advice at all, other than to go."
"You're hard working enough to do a PhD if you wanted," I assured her.
She paused. "I'd be like 28 when I got done?"
"Yes," I confirmed, "something like that."
She chuckled. Looking at me accusatorily, she questioned, "Is this just another way to keep me human till I'm closer to 30."
Purposefully appearing mockingly innocent I taunted, "Who me?"
She started laughing. After she calmed down she muttered, "You're dangerous and cunning Mrs. Cullen; I'll tell you that."
She talked a little more about her classes and work, finished up her meal, and washed her dishes when Carlisle and Edward's gaits came into my hearing range.
"Carlisle and Edward are near home," I warned her.
She turned to me, "We doing a session?"
"I would be agreeable to doing so," I let her know. "Would you be more comfortable if Carlisle were out of the house?" When she didn't answer straight away, only turning back to the washing, I added, "We could wait also, if you don't feel up to it."
About that time the boys came into the kitchen.
Bella looked at Edward and with an even tone asked, "How do you feel about Carlisle staying? You want to do a session?"
He looked at her as if trying to read her mind and then giving up said, "Up to you."
Turning fully around and glaring at him, her voice terse she stated, "No you don't. I asked a question. You answer it and trust me to make up my own damn mind whatever you say. Or do you think that I'm not clever enough to hold your opinion and have my own?"
Putting up his hands as if defending himself, he replied, "I meant it truly. Carlisle knows me better than I know myself at times. I don't mind either way. And having a session now or another day is as equally agreeable to me."
She completely deflated. "I apologise."
Smiling in a way to comfort her, he stated, "Forgiven. I'm going to go get cleaned up, and then you can let me know what you decide."
She nodded and turned back to the dishes. As she put the last dish in the dishwasher and started it, she told me, "Tonight it is, and no Carlisle please."
"Done," I agreed with a smile. After giving her a quick hug, I left the room to set up the chairs.
"Leaving," Carlisle said as he dropped out the bathroom window, as he too had showered. "I'll go to town and listen into a lecture or two."
Texting him my thanks I also let everyone else know to give us a few more hours.
As soon as us three were sitting down, Bella apologised and then added, "I'm not even sure why I jumped to conclusions."
Turning to Edward, I enquired, "How did Bella's reaction impact you?"
He mused for a few minutes and then answered earnestly, "It didn't that much, actually. I was concerned about her reaction, but I just figured that something had happened nothing to do with me and what I said was a tipping point for her."
I'm so proud of you, Edward, that's a huge change for you, I told him mentally, while out loud I stated, "That sounds like an important change for you in not taking events as personal affronts."
"Thanks," he offered looking uncomfortable.
Moving so my gaze was more on Bella, I asked, "Was Edward's assessment accurate?"
She paused thinking for a moment and then looked guilty, "Yes, I think so. Esme's and my conversation before you came in had brought up a lot of emotions within me, and I was especially sensitive. I just reacted and didn't take the few seconds I needed to collect myself. I am sorry, Edward, truly, you didn't deserve it."
He smiled gently at her in a way that seemed to show real connection and the beginnings of trust. "Forgiven."
"Thanks," she answered. It also seemed like something had shifted within her.
Sensing that I might have an opportunity to have them speak truths, I looked at Bella seriously, and asked her, "Do you trust me?"
She looked uncomfortable, but nevertheless answered, "Yes."
Then, looking at Edward, I asked him the same question.
"Yes," he replied, appearing hopeful.
With a soft tone I asked him, "Do you love Bella?"
Looking at her, he earnestly answered, "With everything I am."
Bella's face turned red in anger and she blurted out, "But you said-"
He interrupted her and with a heart-broken face stated emphatically, "I lied."
She stood up abruptly, her hands locking into fists on her sides. With a quiet scornful rage, in an almost searing whisper, accused him, "You lied?"
"I lied," he repeated dejectedly.
"Why did you lie?" I asked him wanting to get this all out.
"I was so afraid that being near me would kill her, and I believed that the ultimate way to demonstrate my love for her was to remove the danger from her life, me, even though doing so was excruciatingly painful," he confessed begging Bella with his eyes to understand.
Through a clenched jaw she uttered incised, "You removed my choice and broke me because you were afraid?"
Before Edward could answer, I instructed, "Describe your love."
He looked at me confused, opened his mouth a number of times, but closed it each time.
"As best you can," I prodded.
Intrigue was added to Bella's furious appearance.
I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it would help. Whatever comes to mind. Perhaps starting with the physical aspects.
"Well," he began sounding uncertain, "I have a physical need to be near Bella. When I'm not, I ache. After I left her in the forest, the pain was so bad that I couldn't hunt. Since returning there's discomfort when she's away at school or when I go to hunt."
"How about when Bella goes back to Fork to visit?" I pressed him. Brutal honesty.
He looked at me suspiciously and uncertain, but continued, "Based on her usual travel speed, I'd say that after 50 miles it's hard to function. I can, but it's like my whole being is being pulled towards her. Sometimes I manage to get a few things done, but mostly I sit in my room as stone until she's within range."
Bella's continence softened a little and she stared at him her mouth open slightly and her eyes wide.
"Any other physical sensations?" I probed.
Looking bashful, he added, "When she's near I have a sense of warmth in my chest. When I used to hold her, her heartbeat would vibrate through me as if beating for us both. When we touch there is electricity that passes through the contact points and gives me a sense of being alive."
After a few minutes I asked, "Anything more from when you two were first together?"
Appearing even shier, he told us, "I have this unreasonable desire to protect her, like the end of her life would end my existence. I feel compelled to keep her safe at all costs. And I have a strong desire to have her near. It's all very possessive and ungentlemanly."
Most of her ire had decreased apart from her mouth turning into a thin line, while simultaneously the rest of her appeared surprised.
"And how do you perceive your love now?" I asked.
He sighed, "I want it to be like the flame I experienced through your mind, Esme. It was beautiful and joyous without being overbearing. I've known for a while that my fear was driving me. Fear of being rejected, fear of killing Bella, fear of her dying some other way, fear of so much and the fear has just led to misery all around." Then, he paused, "I guess I didn't answer your question. I perceive the way I loved Bella previously as now unacceptable and have this image, but I don't know how to get there."
Looking at Bella, I asked, "Not romantic love, per say, but generally. What are actions that give you a sense of being loved?"
She appeared startled like my question had shaken her out of whatever mental space she had been in. Taking deep breaths, she turned her eyes to me.
"You knew?" she accused.
"Not all, but some," I admitted.
"You could have told me," she charged.
"Would you have believed me?" I asked rhetorically, and then added, "It wasn't my truth to tell. I don't break your confidences, and I don't break Edward's either."
Her whole body deflated and she sat down as if she was physically impacted by my words.
"This conversation isn't about romantic love, per say, although Edward is describing many of the physical symptoms related to vampire mates," I pointed out.
"Jasper was right," she muttered under her breath numerous times. It took almost fifteen minutes before her eyes focused once more.
As soon as they did, I rephrased my questions, "When you have a sense that someone cares about you, what are some actions they might have done?"
She took a while thinking before answering, "When I'm trusted. When my opinion matters. When I'm listened to. I also like being held sometimes."
Turning to Edward, I pressed, "And you?"
He became stone for many minutes before he moved once more. "I'm not sure."
"How come?" I enquired.
He looked uncomfortable, but nevertheless answered, "Because everything that comes to mind sounds juvenile and that's not the person I want to be anymore."
Bella's mouth was open. She looked like she had wanted to say something, but the words got stuck. We waited for her to collect herself. When she did, in a quiet voice she asked, "Was there anything I did that you enjoyed?"
Gazing at her lovingly, he answered, "Talking to you in the meadow, listening to music when no one else was in the house, or you sitting on the piano bench while I played. Even though not hearing your thoughts frustrates me at times, it brought me the most joy I have experienced. With you I felt normal, instead of a freak, not a vampire, not a supernatural creature that hears thoughts, but an individual, no more and no less. It was the greatest of gifts."
"And do you believe that you deserve such a gift?" I pressed him.
He looked at the ceiling for a moment and then me, "Who is worthy? Have we not all fallen short of the glory of God? But if we have all fallen and it is a gift, then who am I to reject something so brilliant? If I was honoured to experience your light, then perhaps this also. I don't understand, but perhaps Emmett is correct and I'm not meant to. Maybe I don't have to earn love. Perhaps it is as you say, a gift. That has not been my belief for all of my life. Even as a human I worked hard to be worthy of the things given to me, including my mother's love and my father's pride."
So incredibly proud of him, I instead focused on this work and asked him, "And are you willing to accept Bella's acts of care, the kind of acts of friendship that build trust."
He sighed like that would be very hard to do and then admitted, "To do so has a tinge like I'm not being a man, like I'm being weak in some way. At the same time, I have Carlisle telling me that being a man is not hiding our weaknesses, but having the courage to be vulnerable. So, I want to say yes, but I suspect it will be hard and I'm bound to make a mess of things at times."
"Can you agree the same?" I probed Bella.
She blinked rapidly, and then slowly took her eyes off Edward and looked at me. "It will likely be a challenge for me as well, and I'm bound to make mistakes also, but yes, I would like to do that."
"Excellent," I praised. "Let's give it two weeks and then I'll be back to check in."
Bella interjected, "I need time away from Edward, though, to think through what he shared today, first."
"That seems fair," I stated working at keeping personal disappointment out of my tone. I was proud of her stating her needs, though, even if it wasn't what I hoped for.
"How long do you need?" I wondered.
"A week, maybe?" she suggested sounding unsure.
"Would you like Edward to be scarce when you're home?" I asked.
She almost chocked in abhorrence. "No, no, I'll stay somewhere."
"You're more than welcome," I offered in support. "However, having Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie to talk to might be helpful. Edward is more than able to be away for the few hours that you are awake and here."
"Absolutely," he agreed.
She bit into her bottom lip, a nervous habit that she had all but given up. Gazing into my eyes, she agreed, "You're probably right." Then, looking at Edward's feet she added, "Thank you for being willing to do that."
"It's the least I can do," he assured her.
"And Bella," I added, gaining her attention back at me, "don't hesitate to kick any of the others out. They will take no offense. We all understand about privacy and how hard it is to come by in this house."
"Okay," she agreed with a deep sigh like I was asking the impossible.
"With that agreed, let us meet again in three weeks. Bella has requested one week of distance, and then the two weeks following you are to attempt doing things the other receives as a sign of friendship and care," I summarised.
They both nodded their heads in the affirmative.
"If either of you need more than the first week, or more than three weeks, communicate and adjustments will be made," I insisted.
"Yes, ma'am," they answered at nearly the same time, and then chuckled.
"Jinx," Bella mumbled under her breath.
Standing, I texted Carlisle letting him know that I was on my way to town to pick him up, as I was ready to get back home. Collecting my belongings, particularly the paintings, I let everyone know of my departure and our return to Forks.
Upon leaving I found Edward and Bella on opposite ends of a couch their feet almost touching talking about school. Just as I pulled away Bella was mentioning my thoughts regarding her getting a PhD. Smiling at myself, it was a fantastic change in both of them. Most surprising was that Bella hadn't fled straight away. Perhaps it indicated her increased maturity. And for the first time, I saw that they had a real chance to move past the pain and hurt Edward's reactions to her birthday party had caused.
Pulling up and putting on the hazards, I moved to the passenger seat. Giggling at myself, it dawned on me how habits die hard.
"I think our son is growing up," I told Carlisle my voice full of excitement, wonder, and happiness.
He smiled with me. "Yes, Edward and I had the most illuminating conversation. For the first time he acted like a nineteen or twenty year old. It seems like a miracle, especially as it puts him near Bella's age. Perhaps they will age together."
Pondering that I wondered, "How much maturity do you think is possible?"
Thinking about my question, he eventually said, "Maybe thirty?"
Grinning ear to ear, I decided that was excellent news. Teasingly, I told him, "You know, in a few more years we might not have any teenagers left."
Chuckling, he agreed. After a minute he checked, "Would you miss it?"
Considering that, I answered, "It would be a good kind of missing."
Grinning widely he concurred. "A hundred years later and all grown up. Who knows what life could be in a hundred more?"
Chuckling, the painting of more waywards came to mind.
Turning to face him, I checked, "Are you sure that our family's change of leadership doesn't bother you?"
"No, I'm quite proud actually and relieved," he admitted. "You and Rosalie will do great, and you'll both have the whole family to support you."
We talked about his work a little, the committees I was on, and how we were going to mend any hurt feelings regarding our missing twenty days. We were about seventy-five miles from Forks when I told Carlisle, "I think seeing the flame of my gift is partially responsible for the changes in Edward."
Agreeing with me, he then added, "For sure the feelings Jasper sent out impacted me. I'm no longer as afraid of losing the family. It's like it instilled hope and faith in me. Of course, I don't want to lose my life or my family, but it was like I felt grateful for the years being a vampire has offered me. I felt that if I met my maker tomorrow, I would only express my gratefulness. We would protect what we've built to the bitter end, without a doubt, but if we are meant to perish, we perish. At least I can say that I did some good with the years offered to me."
"And it seems like the family is expecting to do even more good in the future," I reminded him.
"Is it more than we can do to help leave this planet better than when we arrived?" he pondered.
"No, nothing more," I agreed.
A/N: I was editing page 9 of 19 when my brother-in-law died suddenly, leaving my sister and six kids aged 16 to 2. He was a remarkable human being who changed so much in the 25 years I knew him that he was not the same person upon his untimely passing as he was when we first met. He will be missed dearly.
My encouragement to you would be to take a moment and tell the people in your life how much you care. We never know what tomorrow might bring.