Chapter 3: Only If…

"It's Rick," she said quietly, Jack walking back into the room with a bottle in his hand, his ears catching her sentence.

"Don't answer it."

"Dad, he at least deserves to know what my decision is,"

*Ring Ring*

"You don't owe him a thing Sydney Anne." Laura groused, both parents standing around her with bated breath as she answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Where the hell are you? I've been waiting for hours!" His voice was elevated, as she knew it would be, and she ran a hand through her already disheveled hair in attempts to quell her rising emotions.

Swallowing, "I'm not coming home."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Listen." her voice began to waver, tears flooding her vision. "I - I'm leaving you."

"What? No… Sydney – I know things have been tough lately, but it'll get better! I got that job…it'll be less crazy now." The change in his voice - sadness mixing with anger and disbelief - made her wince against how instantly pitiful it became.

"No, Rick. You – hurt me…and the boys. I'll never be able to forgive you for that."

"I can change-"

She interrupted him, anger seeping into her voice. "You did change. I'll have the papers sent to you by the end of the week."

Sydney hung up as her voice began to break. Managing to drop her cell to the kitchen counter next to her elbows, she slumped over and rested her face in her hands to muffle a small sob as Laura moved forward to envelop her into her arms.

"I…I just wish I would stop crying for him." Though it took a great amount of deciphering on her parents part to understand what her strained and watery words had been, her father shook his head.

"No, Sydney , you're not crying for him – or over him. You're crying for yourself, sweetheart; which is a good start. Now…take these pills and get to bed, it's been much too long of a day." Jack placed two, little blue pills in front of her, leaving only to fill a glass of water.

Laura stroked her daughter's hair while sending her husband a curious glance, Sydney drinking down the pills and offering them both a delicate goodnight as well as a hug and a kiss. Disappearing around the corner and up the stairs, Laura finally turned sly eyes up to jack.

"What did you give her?"

"Let's just say that she'll have no problem getting to sleep tonight."

"Jack! You sedated your own daughter!" The laughter in Laura's voice was exactly what her husband needed to hear, and he chuckled along with her.

"She'll be out most of tomorrow as well, so we should get some sleep. We're babysitting."

After turning the lights out and making sure everything was locked and secure, the couple made their way upstairs for the night.

…

Sydney woke in a groggy haze, looking out through the window to see an absence of sunlight in the starry sky beyond the backyard.

'Figures that when I finally can sleep...I don't,' she thought with a tired mental chuckle.

Gathering herself up out of the bed, her legs feeling unusually heavy and waterlogged, she peeked out into the hallway. Silence greeted her along with a dim hall light, and she couldn't help but look to the floor and note the lack of broken glass. The hallway now sported one less photograph and Sydney was mentally and physically thankful that she had her parents to fall back on.

Making her way slowly down the steps, faint voices wafted through the large living room. Peeking at her wrist, she realized that she'd left her watch on the nightstand at home. 'Another thing I'll need to buy brand new.'

Straightening her rumpled pajama bottoms and maroon camisole, she made her way with a yawn over to her father's office, the slightly opened doorway sending a sliver of orange-yellow light onto the dark, cold wooden floor at her feet.

"I know Bill, but this isn't just another case that I'm referring to you - this is my daughter and I've got to have the proper papers here by tomorrow morning. [Pause] Yes...I realize how much work that's going to take - but I'm more than willing to help you and Michael get everything typed up. [Pause] No...I don't want Sydney involved yet. She's got enough on her mind right now without sitting in a room with a bunch of men recounting some of the most painful memories of her life. [Pause] Okay then, tomorrow."

Feeling slightly ashamed at eavesdropping on a partial conversation about herself, she knocked quietly on the door of the study before walking in and her father sitting amidst dozens of books with pens and paper filling nearly every available surface.

"Ah, Sydney , come in." Starting the conversation, he sat back in his plush chair taking his glasses off as his fingers rubbed at his sore, strained eyes.

Flashing a dimpled smile she made her way farther into the library-esque office, climbing into the seat across from the desk with a sigh, pulling her knees up to her chest. Jack regarded her with caring yet concerned eyes.

"I…I didn't scare the boys too badly, did I?"

"Oh they were just fine. Your mother took care of them. We put them to be a half hour ago since we weren't quite sure what time you usually do it."

He smiled gently at the confusion in her brown eyes, "Wait, what? What time is it?"

"A quarter 'till nine. You've slept for nearly eighteen hours, Sydney , I was beginning to wonder if you were planning on sleeping for the rest of the month."

"Wow…"

Pausing with bright eyes, she placed her hand against her forehead before smoothing her hair back. "So I take it the pills you gave me weren't Tylenol PM?"

Jack laughed, pleased to see his daughter in higher spirits than the night before. They lapsed into a period of comfortable silence, Sydney 's eyes glazing over with a far away look as Jack watched her, a slideshow of moments in her life flashing behind his hooded gaze.

"Thanks, dad," she whispered, tears building at the corners of her eyes as she feigned interest in a string on the leg of her pants. "For everything, I mean. For…for taking care of the boys today," pausing with a sniffle, she wiped at her nose before continuing, "and for taking care of me last night. I just…I'm so confused about so many things – I don't know what to do. I mean…two days ago my life was hell but I was in such a great position outside the house. I had a job I really liked; Jake had a school with friends, and now it's all – topsy-turvy. I just don't know what to make of it. Where's Jake gonna go to school now? He has to finish out this semester or he'll be held back a grade – and he's too smart for that; didn't do anything to deserve that," another pause as she gladly accepted the tissue box Jack slid her direction.

"Not to mention what I'm going to do about supporting them. I don't have a job, dad, and I'm sure that they can find a permanent substitute for the year, but all of my kids – god…it was such a great school!"

Her father inwardly smiled, quickly noting that his little girl was fast moving on to the venting stage of her newest changes in life; the stage where the questions outnumber the answers.

"We'll figure it out sweetheart. I took the liberty of calling the school early this morning and informing them of your situation – though omitting several of the details – and your principal was extremely understanding. She sounded very sorry to hear that you were leaving them, and passed on her condolences to you and the kids. She wanted me to tell you that Gary Robinson was going to break your class up into two groups and have them inserted into his alternating periods."

Nodding in understanding, Sydney was silent once more as she gnawed at her lip, an ever-flowing tide of tears unceasing in their journey down her swollen cheeks.

"What are you thinking?" Prodding, though he knew that Bristow women were immune to nagging, prodding, and goading, he waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts.

She began, resting her chin atop her knee as she hugged her legs close, "I just wish that everything could be erased. Every wrong decision I'd ever made; every bad thought I ever had while sitting in Sunday School in the church down the street when I was a kid – all of it."

"That wouldn't change the outcome of anything, Sydney. How Rick turned wasn't a bad decision made by you – he made the choice to become that person, with or without your permission-"

"I know, I know, but I can't help but think that if I'd never let him do it; if I'd never let him raise his voice in anger that he never would have thought to raise his fist, you know? I pray…and pray that something g-good can come of this…but I can't honestly believe that…that a single good thing can ever happen to me again. I – I just feel …broken."

Jack nodded, wheeling his chair over to where his daughter sat crying into her lap. Setting a hand to hers, her fingers instantly wrapping around his, he let her sob her fill until it was quiet in the room once more.

"Let me tell you a story. This used to work on you when you were little…so I'm hoping against hope that it'll work now. 'A doe, blind in one eye, was used to grazing as near to the edge of a sea cliff as she possibly could, in the hope of securing her greater safety. She turned her one working eye towards the land that she might get the earliest tidings of the approach of hunter or hound, and her injured eye towards the sea, where she anticipated no danger. Some boatmen sailing by saw her, and taking a successful aim, mortally wounded her. Yielding up her last breath, she gasped forth this lament: "O wretched creature that I am! To take such precaution against the land only to find this seashore, to which I had come for safety, so much more perilous.'"

The soothing voice in which he'd retold the old Fable was indeed relaxing, though the message he pronounced was the underlying current that had snagged her feet like the riptide of the ocean. "So…what are you saying? I was blind in both eyes?"

"I'm saying that it was impossible to steal yourself away from something you couldn't see coming. That was the doe's problem – she'd viewed the world away from her a dangerous place; thus, she tried to protect herself from it but staying as far away from it as she could. Sometimes…your safest place can be where you find the most danger. Sometimes…you need to find a new safe place. It's no one's fault, and certainly not your own. What's done is done, only now – you're no longer blind…you can almost see too well."

Knowing inside that her father was right, a surprising sense of calm washed over her – her tears ending. Jack gave her hand one last squeeze and rolled back to his desk, sliding his glasses on as her gentle voice wafted over to him. "Sorry, sweetheart, I didn't hear you."

"I said…I feel safe here."

"This house will always be a safe place for you and the boys. Always."

"So…what are we going to do now?" Diverting the subject, she offered up the largest question in her arsenal.

Jack removed his glasses once more, looking off at the far wall deep in thought. "Honestly…I'm waiting and expecting Rick here at the house. Not that I believe he'll be a danger against you or the boys – quite the opposite actually. His way of getting power over his crumbling life was physically seeking to control you and the children by resorting to violence. Believe it or not, Sydney, but control is fully in your hands now and he knows this. If he does show up, I doubt his first act will be one of aggression."

"That'll be the pot calling the kettle black. So…what are we gonna do?"

"I'll handle everything, if and when that occurs. I don't want you dealing with him at all. Tomorrow morning I've got Bill – my lawyer – and his son Michael coming in to finish up the paperwork on the divorce papers. You remember Michael, right? He escorted you on the plane over."

Her nod was her only answer. "Good. We'll take care of everything, and when it comes time for you to sign the papers and read over them, I'll let you know. Other than that, take the boys out. Let them get back into the swing of doing something normal. You need it yourself."

"What if Rick doesn't come here? What if he comes looking somewhere else?" The worry was evident in her voice and Jack sent her a reassuring smile.

"Then I can send Michael out with you and the kids while Bill and I figure out the paperwork."

Sydney sighed, shaking her head, "Can't you send mom? He's got better things to do with his time than babysit a battered wife and two kids."

"Sydney, he said he'd be more than happy to help, and – quite frankly – I'd like to know that you are safe while you're out. Think of it as royal treatment and your own bodyguard."

She huffed but complied, her stomach growling as a knock echoed through the quiet room. Laura poked her head in, surprised to see Sydney up as she walked in with a single sandwich on a tray, a glass of milk sloshing back and forth without spilling as she walked. "I didn't know you were awake, sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"Better; thanks mom." Sydney suddenly felt like she was six years old again with a cold.

"I can make you something if you'd like,"

"That'd be great, I'm starving. I'll come with you." Slowing climbing out of her cocooned position in the plush chair, she turned to her dad with a thankful smile. "Thanks, dad. You and mom are the only way I'm going to get through this alive."

"You don't give yourself enough credit. Go…have some dinner."

Sydney leaned over and placed a kiss to the top of his head before walking slowly out of the room, hearing her mother clambering around in the kitchen. Entering the bright room, she squinted from the change of firelight to light-bulb in an effort to adjust.

"Here you go, honey, heat up what you'd like. It's pot roast from dinner, with mashed potatoes, carrots and corn."

Maneuvering into the kitchen, she dished up a plate full of food, popped it into the microwave and covered it before hitting the button for two minutes. Grabbing a soda from the fridge before joining her mom at the bar-like counter, she shrugged her shoulders with a sigh.

"It'll get better, Sydney , I promise."

The microwave beeped as a small voice from the entrance called out: "mommy!" Jake ran to his mother, Sydney instantly pulling him up onto her lap as her dinner was forgotten. "I missed you tons momma!" Burrowing as far as he could under her shoulder, she smiled with misty eyes and hugged him close.

"We didn't have any fun wiffout you, momma, did we gramma?"

"Oh I don't know, we got to feed the animals and water the garden. Are you saying that I don't know how to have fun little boy?" Laura stuck a finger in his ribs as he laughed, gripping onto his mother's hand.

"Did you sleep good?"

Sydney laughed at his innocent question, taking a moment to look clearly at the mark along his cheek. "I slept fine, roo. How's your cheek?"

"Hurts when you poke it."

"Well I'll stop pokin' it. How's your brother?" Standing up and setting him down in her vacated chair, she moved over to the microwave to grab the plate and they all converged at the dining table, Jake sitting on her lap once more as she ate.

"He tripped today and got an owie on his knee, but gramma kissded it and made it all better." Slipping his hand up and taking on of her carrots, he munched it as it cooled with a contented face.

"What are you doing up?" Jack asked as he walked into the kitchen, empty plate and glass in hand.

"I got up to get a drink, and found my mommy!"

They chatted in the kitchen until Sydney finished her dinner, allowing Jake to stay up with them before Jack and Laura promptly sent the two of them off to bed.

"Mommy, will you lay wiff me until I fall asleep?" the boy asked as she tucked him into the cool, disheveled bed.

Nodding with a sweet smile, they curled up together under the covers. Sydney was jolted awake by a tugging at her arm, not realizing she'd even fallen asleep. Turning to see bright eyes and a sniffling nose, she pulled Noah up onto the already overstuffed bed. He snuggled down in-between his brother and mother, his thumb going immediately to his mouth as his eyes closed - safe in Sydney's arms.

"Tomorrow will be better my boys; tomorrow will be better."

…