Chapter 10: Growing Pains
I finished the series of paintings of me being lit up from the inside. In their creation I had made my body almost translucent, so that the energy that I had experienced shown through. The series was four in total. The first was when it had first manifested within my chest. The next one was my solar plexus and throat shakra also alight. The next one added the third and sacral shakras. The last of the series had all seven shakras alight. Each shakra had represented by its colour, but there was something more. It reminded me of one of the first conversations Carlisle and I had in the cabin in Newfoundland after my original vision regarding what extra abilities I might have brought into my second life. Maybe he was correct that my painting were more than just paint and canvas.
The true confirmation of my ponders as that whether it had been while working on them or after they were done, each time Carlisle would stop in his tracks, turn to stone mesmerized. It was as if my creation had stolen his life force when he set his eyes on it. At each occurrence I would ask him to explain his reaction. He would look at me, open his mouth, perform an almost perfect imitation of a gold fish, and then after a few moments slightly shrug, look chagrined, and claim "I can't find the words." The first few times it annoyed me tremendously. He would pick up my emotional tone immediately, apologise for lacking the ability to convey or even understand himself what about the painting caused the reaction, kiss me passionately, as if trying to tell me something. It was entirely odd, since Carlisle never lacked words, and I mean never. Even when facing Ephraim Black he had the words to convince shapeshifters to trust us. It unnerved me, but eventually, I gave up trying to have him explain himself, as me pushing him seemed to bother him and cause him distress.
My painting and my gift were things that I didn't need answers to. Emmett was right when he said that answers were unnecessary. It just was what it was. I might not have Carlisle's belief, but I could trust whatever it was and have faith that it would guide me when necessary.
Both Carlisle and I had many ruffled feathers to soothe in the community as a result of our twenty day disappearance. It seemed that leaving after Bella's birthday party, only to disappear again, even if it was for a shorter time, created great distrust. Even with all our charm and experience with small town humans, they still spoke badly about us when they thought we couldn't hear. I was uncertain if their flop from almost worshiping served us. The disconcerting part is that their distrust seemed to generate them questioning us more, at least with one another. We would need to ask Edward to come and check out their thoughts to ensure their attitude wasn't leading them to questions we could not answer.
Two weeks later, as promised, I went back to Bellingham and had a session with Edward and Bella. They reported having flares of irritation or even anger at times, and we talked through how to express these emotions in a constructive way. Otherwise, it seemed that they were awkwardly spending time together and getting to know each other as friends. At the end of the session they asked for a month break, stating that they would drive down for Bella's visit with Charlie.
When they came to Forks Carlisle and Edward spent the majority of Bella's scheduled time together. Most of that time they guarded Bella, but whenever possible they spent time in town, so that Edward could check out the townspeople's thoughts regarding us, and I took their place. Edward's report at the end of the weekend was that the town's people thought us unreliable, flighty, and uncaring of their community. It was unsurprising for a small town that was distrustful of strangers to start with. It saddened me that our three year prior investment had done little to buffer us from their negative views, but at least it wasn't close to our secret.
For a few hours when Carlisle was unexpectedly called in, Edward and I stood guard over Bella.
He talked some about how Bella and him were getting to know each other in very broad tone with little antidotes about playing cards or making her lunch, and how everyone else was doing.
How are your classes? I wondered.
"Tedious," he answered.
How come? I questioned.
"It doesn't hold me attention in the way that it has in years past," he informed me.
"Even though it's pre-med?" I checked.
"The basics haven't changed in all the years that I've attended university. Usually the most cutting-edge research comes from the thoughts of the professors and what I pass on to Carlisle," he told me.
"And this university professors are not offering that to you?" I enquired slightly confused.
"There is some interesting research being done," he answered, but there was no excitement.
Clearly, then, it is more than the knowledge, the research, or the classes. What is it?
He moved like he was feeling bashful and then after many long minutes confessed, "Nothing is the same without Bella. She brings colour into my world. I've tried to stay engage with the professor's thoughts or the graduate assistants' in order to provide information to Carlisle, but my heart isn't in it. Consequently, I don't want to be in the class at all. I'd rather be with her."
"What's her opinion about the two of you taking classes together next semester?" I pondered.
"She declined," he answered.
"So is it that you are missing her presence or you are disappointed with her no?" I asked.
He frowned at me and then grudgingly admitted, "I do miss her and am disappointed that she still wants distance from me, but trying to honour her request. She's right that our schedules don't work well together. Being friends is hard, and honestly I want more."
Perhaps she needs the time apart from you to grow into herself. You've had a hundred years to find yourself, to focus on your interests, and form your own opinions. She is still very young.
"It is hard to gift her this," he divulged.
"Absolutely," I agreed, but is that not a beautiful expression of love? It might not be the extreme expression of self-sacrificing love like when you left her, but from my perspective it still requires self-sacrifice. It is honouring her request of her needs, rather than imposing your ideas of best upon her. Thus, it requires not only humbleness and self-sacrifice, but trust in her.
Almost an hour passed before he spoke again. In a soft voice that barely carried to my ears he uttered, "I'm working on the trust."
I noticed.
He looked at me slightly surprised.
When Bella was upset and I asked you to take Carlisle with you and not return for more than an hour, you complied without pause or question. You doing so demonstrated a level of trust in me that I've previously not experienced from you.
He frowned and looked at me sideways. "I trust you Esme," he insisted.
"With Bella?" I pressed.
He took a while to answer and seemed to be reviewing his memories. Eventually he revealed, "It was not my intent to convey that."
All of us, and Bella most of all, have paid for your fears.
His frown deepened. "I am terribly sorry, Esme and request your forgiveness for my slight."
"Already forgiven," I assured him, so forgive yourself and seek repentance.
"How shall I?" he requested.
"Continue demonstrating your trust in me and in Bella," I told him, smirking internally.
He signed heavily. "I was afraid you'd say something like that."
Then, with purpose, he attempted to tell me about his classes and the little things he had noticed about humans that had changed in comparison to the last time he was at university.
At the end of the weekend, while Bella, Edward, and I conducted our session, Carlisle found something to do at the hospital.
The first thing I noticed when Bella sat down for our session was how attentive to her Edward was and how equally willing Bella was to have him do the small things given to any lady of Edward's time.
"How have things been?" I asked.
No doubt picking up my thoughts Edward answered first. "We've talked extensively about how I was raised, how I was taught to treat females, and the ways I want to treat Bella as a friend, yes, but particularly as a female. She pointed out that I don't do those things for Alice and Rosalie, so I had to explain that their husbands do those things, but I step in if their husbands aren't around."
As soon as he paused, Bella spoke, "I guess I never noticed it before because it's subtle, but once Edward explained I could see truth in his statement. It's like they're ingrained in him and he can't help himself. Once I knew that, then it allowed me to feel more comfortable. In my era, these things are only done for romantic reasons, but I could tell that not doing them for me was inhibiting Edward to feel like he was being himself. I did make him agree that if he was allowed, then so were Jasper and Emmett. It has changed the atmosphere in the house for the better. It's beautiful watching them being more themselves rather than trying to be modern for my sake. It's a little like living in a cross between Gone With the Wind and the Bronne sisters, but I'm enjoying it. They occasionally speak to each other in older manners of English and it's great."
She was smiling so broadly it was obvious that she was deeply enjoying herself.
"So, you have a greater sense of getting to know them," I summarised with a touch of a question mark at the end.
"Yes," she answered with a smile.
"Good to hear," I congratulated them both. "And the rest?"
Bella's cheeks filled with blood a little, but it was Edward who spoke first. "We haven't spent much time alone. With explaining the customs of my time, Bella has insisted that we have company."
"How has that been for you?" I wondered.
"It's taken a load off, actually. I feel more comfortable," he answered.
"Good," I offered, pleased. Turning to Bella, I asked, "And you?"
She smiled shyly at Edward. "It's taken some getting used to, honestly. I don't feel the same, but I realised that if I want my thoughts and opinions to be considered and respected, then it's only fitting for me to do the same in return. It's been a challenge at times to find common ground between us, but what we agreed to this past month has been working for us. It's unconventional for how I was raised, particularly by my mother, but then somethings are unconventional for Edward, so it's fair."
Looking at him, I asked, "Which parts are most challenging for you?"
He considered the question and then told us, "In our home I get to act in a manner that feels the most comfortable to me, but then it makes the difference outside of our home even more stark. One of the agreements is that our behaviour towards Bella ends at the door."
I could see how that could be very challenging.
"It seems like you both are on the same page and are learning about each other in important ways, which is a critical step towards a profound friendship," I pointed out.
They both smiled shyly agreeing.
"Are there any unspoken resentments or irritations?" I asked.
Edward gave me a look as if asking should be confess his feelings, and I replied with not yet. I meant more if these choices had brought up unresolved feelings that should be aired.
"Nothing that comes to mind related to our agreements," he stated.
What about your disappointment to not be attending classes with her?
He did his slight no movement, and then added verbally, "There are compromises in our agreement, and although I might wish to have it all, I recognise that we've come to a fair arrangement."
Very mature thinking, I offered to him.
All this while Bella appeared like she wanted to say something but was holding it in.
"Out with it," I prodded her.
She looked down at her hands and picked at her nails for a few minutes before stating, "As good as our arrangement is, I can't help but feel upset that we didn't have this conversation years ago. I guess when Edward and I first met he had all this life experience, and I trusted him to know how to navigate these types of things. Sure, he told me that he was seventeen and had been for a long time, but the implications of that didn't really click. Finding out that he's as clueless as me has really hit home for me how seventeen he is, and honestly, seventeen-year-old boys aren't attractive. They're obnoxious and arrogant and ignorant." Her eyes started to tear up. "It's my fault, as they're my assumptions, and I'm glad that we're talking about it now, but," then she trailed off before adding, "yeah."
For less than a second Edward looked like he had been punched in the gut, but then he collected himself and tried to pretend that her words had little to no impact upon him.
Why are you hiding you true reaction from her? How is this going to help? I asked him, no doubt my frustrated tone coming through.
There was a long stretch of silence before he spoke softly his eyes scared as he looked in her direction, "I don't want to be seventeen any more."
His words startled her and she looked at him confused. After a few minutes she said with her tone questioning, "I thought you said vampires are frozen at the time of their change."
Reluctantly and with his eyes moving to the floor he replied, "Well, I hadn't changed really at all since my transformation and in Carlisle's thoughts that's what Aro told him, so I took it as gospel, but since Esme's vision, everyone in the family has changed. It gives me hope that I can too, and as a result am working on it."
She stared at him with her mouth open for more than five minutes before she said, "Okay then."
"Can you expand more, Bella?" I wondered.
She gnawed on her lower lip a little before stating, "I like the idea that vampires can change, and, honestly, it causes me to want to be bitten earlier than your and Carlisle's preference of 30. At the same time, it's sad that change has come at such a high price, and since you all have returned have been the most grueling of my life. I guess I imagined a future where everything would magically work out. You've told me multiple times that vampirism isn't a cure for anything, and in most ways makes things worse, but it's like Edward's confession opened my eyes to see the truth of it." She turned to Edward and took a deep breath, "I'm happy for you. No one would want to be seventeen forever."
Edward smiled gently at her and nodded regally.
"On that note, let us leave our session for now," I told them. "I will check in with you the next time I'm up?"
"Sure, sure," Bella said at the same time that Edward stated, "Yes, ma'am."
In the midst of my movement to stand, Edward asked, "May we see your paintings of the spark and how it touched you?"
Bristling at his willingness to speak about something he had picked up mentally, I queried, Why do you ask?
Bella looked very interested and excited at the prospect, while he appeared abashed. After a pregnant pause, Edward answered, "Carlisle remarked at their impact upon him and I was hoping to see them for myself. I apologise if my request upset you. I didn't mean it, as usually you are glad to share your art."
Scrutinizing him I answered trying to keep my displeasure out of my tone, "Yes, but they aren't usually so intimate and there are many other paintings that I don't share simply because they are not meant to be shared except with my husband."
He looked caught out and embarrassed. "I sincerely apologise. Carlisle spoke so highly of them, and then I saw them in his mind. It made me curious."
Even though I was reluctant to share, it seemed important to Edward, as he rarely broke someone's privacy. His explanation that Carlisle had mentioned them, rather that them being something that he had plucked out of our minds soothed me a little. Thinking over the implications, I decided that, as they were an expression of my gift and not what had transpired between Carlisle and I, it was fine. However, there were some pieces I would not want anyone other than Carlisle to see.
"Let me tidy the space and then you may come up," I told them.
"I am truly repentant, Esme," Edward said beseechingly.
"Forgiven," I offered to him, but please be more thoughtful about my art in the future, especially if Carlisle is right about how they are another manifestation of a hidden gift I have.
He indicated his agreement. "I will be more thoughtful in the future. I apologise again."
It only took me a few minutes to move the canvases around so that nothing private would be shown. Particularly hidden was my work in trying to capture the moments when Carlisle and myself had been entangled while altering our dynamic, as was us talking after a hunt years ago and most recently. There was something intangible that I was trying to capture, and it still wasn't quite there, so I was frustrated. As a result, there were multiple attempts, all of which I places under tarps.
When Edward came in and saw the series of paintings he too stood gob smacked saying nothing. Bella came up to them closely, looked at Edward, stood back, and analyzed them. Whether it was her being human or whatever mechanism that kept her thoughts from Edward, she didn't seem to be as affected.
Oddly, just like Carlisle, Edward said nothing, as if he were stunned into stone. Perhaps it was the lack of what Carlisle thought and said that had caused Edward's curiosity about them in the first place.
When she was getting restless I told her, "Leave him. He can catch up."
She was reluctant, but nevertheless turned and left Edward behind.
I patted her shoulder in my attempt to indirectly let her know that her choice caused me pride in her.
As we entered the hall she told me, "You are lucky to have had such an experience."
"How so?" I asked at the top of the stairs.
She thought deeply as she walked. As she got into her truck to head back to Bellingham, she added, "It was if I watched you being filled with the breath of God. You are an angel Esme and an incredible mother. If anyone deserves such an experience it is you."
Putting my hand on my heart, I told her most sincerely, "Thank you Bella."
She blushed a little and nodded her head before pulling away.
It was hours later when Edward began moving once more.
"Reactions?" I asked.
He wrinkled his face in deep thoughts and then looked at me beseechingly.
I told her that you'd catch up to her I let him know letting him off the hook.
"Thanks Esme," he stated while he started running. "There are no words," he added almost out of my hearing range.
Since I had already given up on Carlisle explaining himself, Edward's reaction didn't ruffle me.
Then Carlisle got home I confronted him about talking to Edward about the paintings.
"I'm sorry love," he offered. "I have been truly confounded by my lack of articulation and I thought Edward could assist me."
Sighing, as had guessed as much, I pleaded, "Next time, please ask first. I know he was you first and you have a unique bond with him, but they are ultimately my creations."
"You are right, my darling Miss Platt," he stated formally, "please do accept my most heart-felt regrets. I was so consumed with my lack that I failed you."
Sighing once more, expelling a heavy breath, I worked at letting my irritation go. "Apology accepted dear sir."
He then moved towards me, and putting both hands on my face proceeded to kiss me intensely. Stopping briefly, he picked me up, placing me into his arms bridal style, and took us to our room. "Let me show you the depth of my sorrow," he requested.
With a nod, he began to touch and kiss me in a way that conveyed his appreciation and care for me. By the time we joined together the slight was fully forgiven and the strength of our bond restored.
Afterwards, as we showered together, I told him, "Next time I might not be so easy to let it go. As I told Edward, if you're right about my paintings being a manifestation of my gift, then they aren't just a piece of art, and they shouldn't be taken lightly."
"You are of course correct my dear Miss Platt. Lesson learned," he agreed.
"Good," I stated.
Three weeks later I went up to Bellingham and had another session with Edward and Bella. Immediately it was obvious that things had improved between them.
"What happened?" I asked them.
Bella smiled shyly and Edward grinned, but it was Bella that broke the silence. "We talked about our relationship."
Keeping silent, as that didn't explain the changes between them, I waited.
Edward spoke next. "We spent hours going back to the beginning of meeting and describing our thoughts and feelings at the time. We began to quickly see how much we felt the same way, but interpreted the other's actions or words incorrectly." He frowned and paused at if collecting himself. "I had no idea how socially inept I was or how poorly I read people without their thoughts. Jasper has told me for years that I rely on my gift too much and that it's bound to get me into trouble." He sighed and cast his eyes at the wall. "I've promised to work at it while in my classes."
Before I could comment Bella blurted out, "And I realised how right you were Esme about how my view of myself is detrimental to a relationship. I also began to take more responsibility for my actions, but more importantly for my lack of communication. Edward might be a mind reader, but not mine." She giggled while Edward groaned. "So, I promised to say more, to fill him in with what's going on inside of me, and to generally be more transparent."
"I'm proud of both of you," I told them. "And it seems to be helping?"
They both nodded and smiled. Eventually Bella added, "We are communicating better and having less hurt feelings."
"I've had to learn to take what Bella says at face value and trust what she's communicates," Edward admitted shifting like he was uncomfortable.
"And I've had to learn to allow Edward to be less than perfect," Bella confessed softly.
"These are huge strides for you both, and seem to be another critical piece for a strong foundation of a lasting friendship," I commented.
They both nodded in agreement smiling widely.
They shared some of the details of what they had learned about each other as well as their mistakes and how they'd like to work on themselves in order to improve their friendship.
"Let us leave our sessions for now, in that case," I told them when their sharing began to peter out. "Instead let me know if either of you need my assistance."
They both agreed easily.
Over the next month, as promised, Carlisle and I spent one weekend with Emmett and Rosalie and then another with Jasper and Alice. During our time with Emmett and Rosalie, they both spoke a ton about the growth in Edward and how he and Bella were developing a respectful, trusting relationship, although with arguments and periods of them ignoring each other. I figured that was better than how they had interacted before. They were both opinionated stubborn individuals. As long as they kept working through the differences, I saw it as healthy growth.
"He still annoys the heck out of me, but he's getting there," was Rosalie's high praise.
Emmett said little, but seemed grateful and pleased nonetheless.
They both spoke about the joy and challenge of reverting to the social norms of their human youth. If nothing else, it seemed to teach them a valuable lesson and allow them to let go of old habits they had held on to that no longer served them.
When we spent time with Alice and Jasper, Jasper expressed similar sentiments as Rosalie and Emmett had about the new house arrangements. Alice simply said it was nice to see what her human years might have been like, but she preferred things presently.
When the moment arose, I couldn't help myself but ask Jasper, "Were you impacted by the emotions you experienced with me in the woods when I was trying to figure my gift out?"
Looking up to the sky before returning his gaze to me, he answered, "At first I didn't think it had impacted me much, except given me a beautiful emotional experience. But everyone has commented, Rose and Alice the most, and Edward and Emmett some, about changes in me. They've mentioned that I seem less weary, more comfortable, and less expectant of danger."
Considering his admission, I agreed, "You do seem more relaxed, but it's subtle."
He considered his thoughts before speaking once more. "The only difference I can tell in myself is that I feel lighter. Killing another, even as a soldier following orders, has a weight to it that plagues the soul. It's like that burden has been lifted some. I still regret the deaths at my hands and the atrocities I committed at Maria's bidding, but the heaviness of the actions are less."
Smiling pleased at this, I told him, "I am glad."
Carlisle looked puzzled and for a long time we said nothing much just enjoying the atmosphere. A few hours later, Carlisle said in a reverent whisper, "What if Esme's gift of bringing out the best is something like inspiration, and what you experienced Jasper as well as what Edward saw through her thoughts was the source of inspiration. Would that not be akin to looking into the face of God?"
Jasper's mouth tightened. He didn't agree, but wasn't going to say anything. Through the years Jasper never said anything for or against Carlisle's beliefs, but I had gotten the impression that Jasper's stance was something like mine. He didn't disregard the idea of God or believe that we were soulless creatures meant for damnation, like Edward did, but he also saw his actions as something that wouldn't please God.
"Whatever the possible explanation, the evidence of its influence in myself, Edward, and you Jasper seems clear," I put in.
"True enough," Carlisle agreed.
Sprinkled through the weekend we spoke some of how the family was changing and what that might mean, but it was mostly speculation.
Expectedly Bella decided to stay in Bellingham and take summer classes. Also, unsurprisingly, Bella's visits to Forks decreased, and according to reports I got so did her calls to her parents. Charlie, evidently, was courting Sue, and I wondered how much of Bella's lack of contact had to do with a relief that someone would take care of her Dad. By Bella's twentieth birthday and start of her second year she seemed more settled than the year before. We had a small birthday gathering, which she graciously enjoyed. The most fascinating part was watching her and Edward.
Carlisle leaned in closer and breathed into my ear, "I'm not sure if I recognise our son."
It was true. He was still a man of his era, but the tenseness he usually wore was gone. He looked comfortable and as if he was enjoying himself. He also had shown no moments of distress or anger when Bella left to get more food or talked with another family member. My guess was that he was more settled in himself and more confident in Bella. It was a welcomed gift. Bella too seemed the most comfortable around Edward than I had seen since his reappearance. There were many moments when they touched, although those touches were casual by present standards and it seemed Edward was almost unaware of his actions, I decided their growing intimacy required a conversation.
In the morning I texted them requesting some time and suggesting a walk in a local park. Bella said she was available ten to noon, so at ten the three of us got in Edward's Volvo.
Once we were far enough away from human ears, I started the conversation by telling them, "It seems from observation alone that the two of you have you have settled into a solid meaningful friendship."
Bella chuckled and then amended, "Most of the time."
"And the rest?" I wondered.
"We're trying to find ways to negotiate," Edward answered.
"Fair enough," I allowed, as it was expected, given their combined stubbornness. Taking a breath, I broached the subject, "It seems from my vantage point that you both are wishing for more than friendship. Did I read that wrong?"
Bella stopped walking and became angry looking like steam might come out of her ears.
Edward and I stopped beside her while Edward said, "Yes, I would be honoured to court Bella. I didn't think she wanted that, though." Then, he looked at Bella gauging his words.
Like a switch the steam went out of her. Instead, she looked at Edward accusatory. "You want to date?"
"If you would give me the honour," he replied.
She opened her mouth and closed it multiple times before she asked, her voice quivering, "What about what you said in the woods?"
"We've talked these things through, I thought," Edward answered sounding sad. "I have apologised for the blasphemous lies I told you."
"Shall we keep walking?" I suggested.
Bella picked her feet up again and began strolling, admitting, "And I did forgive you. But that doesn't mean that you want to date."
"I certainly would be honoured to date you," he refuted.
Shaking her head, she confessed softly, "I need time to think about this."
Hoping to nip some potential obstacles in the bud, I asked Edward, "What are some of your fears?"
"That she would have outgrown me," Edward voiced, and then added with some hesitancy, "The rejection would be brutal."
"Bella?" I pressed when she said nothing.
"That I'm actually not good enough for him to stay," she mumbled.
Edward looked like he wanted to say something, but I cut him off, "Both of your fears are legitimate. The problem is that they aren't solvable. The only true answer is to take steps forward and see if your fears come true."
They both looked uncomfortable with my answer.
"On that note, I'm going to head back to the house," I told them. Hugging Bella and then kissing Edward on the cheek, I headed off walking into the forest.
When I got back the six of us ended up talking about present obstacles and potential plans for the next year.
Carlisle expressed his nervousness about the occasional whispers he had overheard regarding his lack of aging. However, the overall conversation seemed to lend itself to the idea that we were still hoping for another three years. We had managed eight before.
Carlisle and I also told them how it had taken us until the end of the summer, but eventually the hospital and the town seemed to have forgiven us, or at least decided to no longer hold a grudge against us. However, it seemed obvious that another unexplained absence or abrupt decision would result in us needing to move away. All four of us were in agreement that for us to stay in Forks for the hoped for three years, it would need to be event free.
"Bella could always transfer," Rosalie reminded us in an almost haphazard manner, almost having it sound like her plans were the true deciding factor. "She'll do her graduate courses somewhere else anyway."
Despite being pleased at how sisterly towards Bella Rosalie had become, I kept my joy to myself. Instead I expressed my surprise at the news, "She's decided?"
Rosalie smiled slightly. "No, but there's a glint in her eyes when she talks about the possibility. I think she's afraid that she won't get in and that she's not good enough, but it's there. She's smart and ambitious, just lacking in self-esteem and confidence, although it's getting better."
We continued to enjoy each other's company, but our conversation stopped when Edward and Bella walked in, as the air around them demanded attention.
With a huge grin on his face Edward told us, "I requested to court Bella and she has agreed."
Various forms of congratulations were offered to the couple. Then, Emmett teased, "What are the conditions?"
Edward narrowed his eyes at him and Bella chuckled.
Finally it was Bella that answered, "Any dates will be in public places and will cost under $100."
Emmett began teasing Edward and Jasper shook his head, but looked happy for the couple. Not a few minutes later the three of them headed out to tussle.
"Better join them," I told Carlisle.
Kissing me on the cheek, he headed out.
Bella came and sat next to me and then settled into my side.
"You ready for this?" Rosalie asked.
She took in a deep breath and blew out her cheeks. "I'm scared, no correction, terrified. I don't ever want to go back to the Bella I was when he left. He holds so much of my happiness in his hands and it's petrifying. At the same time, everything within me feels calmer when we're together. I've worked on a lot of my stuff and he's changed too. I don't want to get into old patterns and he seems earnest in his desire to try again. I just hope it's enough."
"Just take it slow," Rosalie advised. "There's no rush. Get to know him, make sure he earns your trust."
"He's changed," Alice put in, "that means something. Try to judge him on who he is at the present and not his past."
She nodded but said nothing more. Alice and Rosalie guessed a little about where Edward might take her on dates, especially given the limitations set. Eventually the conversation turned to the next quarter, guesses on the relationship between Charlie and Sue, how Bella felt about it, and our hopes of staying under the good people of Forks' radar for another couple of years.
When Carlisle left our hearts were full.
"We are not the same," Carlisle mused about halfway back to Forks breaking the comfortable silence that had enveloped us. "It has been hard work, but we are better for it."
"I am proud of us," I added.
"Any successes are due to you my love," he gushed. "You are the glue and the best of us all."
Disagreeing, but choosing to say nothing, I laid my head on his shoulder. The rest of the drive he prattled on about work things.
Bella's classes were harder during the next quarter from all the accounts she gave me over the phone.
As we came close to Christmas, Alice let us all know that she was ready to lay out her garment company plan.
Additionally, it seemed like Edward might have made a breakthrough about a substance that would allow the aging elements to be adhered to our skin. According to Edward, it was actually Bella who had made the breakthrough.
It was all exciting news and I was looking forward to having the family together for Christmas.
And, of course, as the family was in Forks, Rosalie was planning on spending some time at the car shop with the Quileutes, no doubt accompanied by Emmett.
Bella spent Christmas Eve and Day with her father and at the reservation. She, then, came to the house the next day.
As soon as Bella sat down she blurted out, "Charlie asked Sue to marry him, and she accepted."
Everyone offered his or her congratulations.
"What would be an acceptable gift?" I wondered.
She scrunched up her nose and then with some reluctance told me, "I'd like to get them a honeymoon. We could say it was from all of us."
"Tell me Sue's preferences and I'll work it out," I let her know.
"Sounds good," Bella agreed. Then, she turned to Carlisle appearing hopeful, "Does that make Charlie a Quileute and knowledgeable about the truth?"
As diplomatically and kindly as possible, he told her, "Many Quileutes hear the stories and don't believe. Being a Quileute isn't a guarantee of knowing the truth in their oral histories. Even with Sue being an elder and sitting on the council, I suspect Charlie would continue to think of them as stories rather than the tribe's true history."
Her face fell and she looked resigned, "I figured as much, but I couldn't help getting my hopes up."
"Understandable," Carlisle replied.
"Do they have a date yet?" I wondered.
"No," she answered, but there seemed to be something there that I would approach her about when we were alone.
"Well, let us know the dates, so I can make sure the gift works for them," I let her know.
She agreed and the conversation quickly changed to the packages surrounding us, mostly because Alice had grown to be so incredibly excited that her movements no longer could pass for appearing human. In the midst of her enthusiasm, it was a joy to exchange gifts, particularly in having Bella be included. It was different from years past, as Bella had requested that the gifts be handmade or under $50. The gifts from Emmett were silly, but it was fascinating to watch as everyone became more creative. It was a delightful change, even if we were unlikely to repeat the conditions every year.
After presents, we played games, and simply enjoyed each other's company.
Once Bella began to yawn, Edward persuaded his siblings that she needed to take her leave and walked her out to her truck, as she was going to spend the night at Charlie's. Right as he closed the driver's door, he asked, "Any problems from the Quiluetes?"
"Just the usual warnings," she told him. "They care and don't understand. It's fine."
No one had been keeping guard over her over the past two days, since we had all gone hunting together. It took a fair bit of persuasion on Carlisle's part. He insisted that she could keep herself alive for the brief time we would be gone, the wolves had kept her safe for the few months between her 18th birthday and our return, as well as the fact that the seven of us needed the time together. We had agreed, reluctantly, and then had resumed our guard duties upon our return. We had all been relieved that nothing untoward had happened during our family hunt. Ironically, it seemed like Carlisle was more alleviated that he had been proven correct than his initial words had conveyed. It seemed that rational or not, we felt better in knowing one of us had an eye on her.
Jasper and Alice were watching her over the next twenty-four hours, so ghosted in the trees along her drive.
Once they were out of earshot, I turned to Rosalie and Emmett and told them, "I have something to show you."
Going to my art room, I presented them my paintings of finding my inspirational spark and it filling me. Just like Carlisle and Edward they stood statuesque for many hours and then struggled to articulate how it had impacted them. However, they were both grateful that I had shown the paintings to them.
Afterwards, Carlisle and I spent time together as a couple. While laying in each other's arms talking about minor things, my mind continued to muse over our family. Carlisle, Rosalie, Emmett, Edward, and my time together really highlighted the changes in all of us. Rosalie was calmer, more mature, less to anger, more level headed. Emmett still made jokes and made everyone laugh, but he knew how to temper it and put his foot in his mouth less. Edward was pleased with his progress of changing, despite how much he had to go, and its impact upon his relationship with Bella, even though it was progressing out of friendship at a snail's pace. It seemed Bella had taken Rosalie's wisdom to heart, of which I was glad.
Edward must have been thinking about his relationship with Bella, because after the sun rose, when the five of us reconvened, Edward asked us out of the blue, "How do you know when it is the right time to propose?"
"Is Bella interested in marriage?" Carlisle asked with a genuinely curios tone, but there was a hint of incredulousness there too.
Edward admitted that he wasn't sure.
"Probably should start there," Emmett teased.
"Marriage isn't the only sign of commitment in this era," Rosalie put in. When Edward didn't answer, she added, "It's like the discussion you guys had that changed our behaviour in the house. What you see as right and true might have very different meanings for her."
"A conversation about her beliefs and ideas about marriage seems like an excellent starting point," Carlisle agreed.
"There's no rush," I reminded Edward.
He looked uncomfortable and it wasn't hard to guess at the problem. Unsurprisingly it was Emmett that voiced it, "You want to wait until your wedding night to do the deed."
"If I can without killing her," he commiserated.
"Cheer up," Emmett refuted, "if human-eating vamps can do the jiggy with human women and the Denali sisters with human men, then you can with how much you luuuuvvvv her."
"Thanks, Em," Edward offered, rolling his eyes, but it was clear under the playful rebuttal that he truly did appreciate the encouragement.
Rosalie looked at Edward seriously, "I understand your intentions, and they are admirable. Just make sure that you are crystal clear when conveying to Bella that these are your beliefs and tell her how come you see things this way. I doubt she feels the same. She might be shy and reserved for most girls of this generation, but she is a modern woman."
"That is true," he agreed, his tone making it clear that this was his greatest concern.
"And when Bella and you are ready to be more physical," Carlisle put in, "I suggest you, her, Esme, and I have a conversation to make sure she understands things clearly."
Edward squirmed and seemed to be struggling with what to say.
"She's already pushing the lines of acceptability?" Emmett teased.
"She sees these things differently than you do," Rosalie reminded Edward.
"Have you spoken to her about it?" I wondered.
Seemingly choosing to ignore Rosalie and Emmett's statements, he looked at me and admitted, "Not yet."
"Well, maybe having that talk should come first before talk of marriage," Carlisle suggested. "Discussing value, needs, wants, and future intentions are the backbone of a solid romantic relationship." And appeared to be adding more mentally.
"Yes, sir," Edward vocalised, whether that was in relation to Carlisle's spoken words or mental ones was impossible to tell.
"We could set aside some time New Years Eve," I offered, hoping that making a plan might be helpful.
Slumping, but also appearing relieved he agreed.
It was unusual to see him struggling like this anymore, as it was more reminiscent of his behaviour when first meeting Bella, but at least this time he had come and spoken to us about it. It was a huge sign of his growing maturity and I was proud of him, so told him so mentally.
The rest of the time, before Alice and Jasper returned, the five of us passed with easy conversation and enjoyable fun.
Rosalie and Emmett took the next shift, leaving Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Edward, and I together. It was as equally joyous to spend time with them. When I showed Alice and Jasper my paintings they too stood frozen in front of them and then seemed unable to articulate how the painting had impacted them. It was slightly irritating to get no concrete feedback from my work, but as there was nothing to do about it, I let it go.
It seemed like Jasper was growing into himself. He told more jokes, which were witty wordplays. Most surprisingly was how he teased Carlisle and how Carlisle responded. It was like I was being gifted with blessings upon blessings.
Edward and Carlisle decided to take the next shift. There was little doubt in my mind that they would both be discussing Edward's work with the adhesive and his concerns around Bella. Of all of us, Carlisle was the most experienced touching and interacting with humans without leaving a mark on them.
Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and I had a great time and most of it I spent in stitches laughing so hard at the boys' banter.
Alice and I took the fourth night into the day, although the Swans spent most of the time on the Reservation, so we were either at the border or at their home.
"How are your studies and work going?" I wondered.
"It's looking promising," Alice exclaimed with a huge grin.
"Explain to me exactly how it works," I asked, even though she had explained it to the family, I wanted to try, once more, to imagine what she was hoping to do.
"It's almost like a skin graft," she explained.
"But our skin is fundamentally different from humans," I rejoined confused.
"That's one of the hurdles that has kept it from working in the past," she admitted, "that and the adhesive."
"Okay," I allowed. "Keep going."
"So, I'm using the technology of skin grafting from human medicine that has been modified for stage and film productions, where instead of the graft hiding a wound it is used to create the illusion of aging." Nodding that I was following, even if I didn't fully understand the mechanics of it, she continued, "Evidently the makeup artist fools the human eye into believing the actor has aged by creating grafts that are wrinkled, etc. When they are applied, because it lays nearly flat, the human eye is fooled, even in person. Of course, none of our kind are fooled, but that's not the point."
Considering the steps, I wondered, "How are the grafts made?"
"The medical ones are grown in a lab and they are almost genetically identical to human skin. The ones used for actors are made of silicon or other similar materials. This latter source would probably be best for us, as it's non-organic elements offer more of a chance that we can manipulate it to match our skin's appearance."
"This sounds like it requires Rosalie, Edward, Carlisle, and even Bella, not to mention yourself," I proposed.
"At least in the beginning it will require a lot," she agreed.
"Financially?" I enquired.
"Also a significant investment, as well as space to perfect the procedures. Then, we need a cover story in case a human were to ever come across it, but that's the easiest part."
"Is it worth it?" I pondered out loud.
"Yes," she said vehemently.
Looking over at her in surprise, without words I asked her to explain herself.
Her shoulders slumped, she admitted her words barely audible, "I'm tired of being fourteen through twenty four. It's not so much that I wish to be thirty, but rather I want the freedom to start a venture and carry it for a while and not have to hide in the background. It is important to me, to all of us I would say."
"True," I agreed. After some time had passed, I broke the silence. "Humans think about the best part of their lives, the moments when they felt the most free or happiest and they wish to bottle those moments or hold them still, frozen in time. Over and over their movies and art proclaim the wonders of such a thing, but we know the truth. Such moments cannot be held constant; by the very act of containing them, the moment becomes sour. I suspect that those of us approaching or are already on earth one hundred years are beginning to see the costs to a greater degree than when we first were transformed. In the beginning it was new and novel, but no longer. I think that is why Carlisle is so enthralled with medicine. It is what keeps his mind fresh."
"But even he is limited in what he can do because of his youthful appearance," Alice pointed out.
"Very true," I concurred. "It's ironic that Bella wants her life easier, while we are working to make our lives harder."
Alice chuckled. "Yes, that is ironic. She does not see yet that her life struggles are what are transforming her into a stronger more formidable wiser person and that the process is beautiful."
"Does the caterpillar appreciate its struggle to become the butterfly?" I pondered. After some minutes I added, "No, I think Bella sees in us the beauty she is lacking just as we see in her the beauty we are lacking."
"We wish to be more like her and she wishes to be more like us?" Alice offered.
"Precisely," I uttered softly.
Alice sighed. After some time she asked, almost as if talking to herself, "Is there a sentient creature on this earth that is content?"
"All but humans, I presume," I told her, "and then all the creatures related to humans like us and werewolves and shapeshifters."
Almost an hour passed before she told me, "I think that's what drew me into your series." Looking at her confused, she gratefully continued, "As I looked at the series it was like I experienced true contentment. Almost, not quite, but nearly, I could feel the same energy flow through me and encompass my being. Us vampires have more hours to be productive in a day due to not sleeping, we live much longer lives than humans, we don't need to spend as much time acquiring our basic needs, and yet with all this extra time we are just as, if not more, discontent than humans. There is something important about having purpose, and your series contradicts that and says all that you need is found within. It is powerful and words are absolutely inadequate, if not useless."
For a long time she left me to my thoughts while she appeared to be scanning the future. Could Bella understand the cost she would pay to become a vampire any more than we could understand the costs of being human? I could easily see how us Cullens, and probably me especially, had tended to see what I longed for, which humans had without thought or effort. Their bodies could change. They could have children from their own seed and I could not. They could grow to see their grandchildren and even great-grandchildren, which was something far beyond my reach. Yet, I had riches and security and safety they did not. I had a wonderful group of people around me that I called family. I was not battered and mistreated as my life with Charles had been. Coming back to Forks and helping Bella had humbled me in many ways. I no longer envied humans. Instead, I was grateful for the life I had, while wishing I could give others even a little of the blessings bestowed upon me.
Alice spoke some about the kind of fashion she wanted to create and I told her about some of the living space designs I had been considering for our future, as well as things like if we wanted soundproof spaces like I had given Bella. Alice challenged many of my ideas and added her own twist as I did with her fashion line. It was odd how our relationship was changing, but it was like she was becoming the youngest sister with me the eldest, Rosalie the middle, and then Alice. It was an odd shift, but one that felt welcomed.
When Jasper and Rosalie arrived to cover the next shift we went back to the house. It was certainly nice to get dressed in dry clothes, but for the first time since my early years I appreciated how unaffected by the elements I had been. It was a blessing, even if it did come with a thirst for blood. This wasn't the life for everyone, but maybe Alice was right that Bella was destined to be a Cullen.
Carlisle, Edward, Alice, Emmett, and I enjoyed each other's company. One of the greatest blessings I came to realise by the end of the day was that no matter how we were configured we still enjoyed being together, and that hadn't always been the case. It wasn't challenging to retrieve from my memory years when Edward and Rosalie could barely be in the same house together or how Jasper was in the room, yet set apart. This Christmas season none of that had happened. This time each person, with the exception of Bella, as she was absent, had been a part and welcomed by the others. Sure, we disagreed and there were passionate discussions, but not once had furniture been destroyed, things been thrown, someone stormed out of the house, or hurtful words used. I could certainly get accustomed to the young adult version of my former teenagers, even if I might miss the mothering part of them a little. The pains of change had been emense, but if this was the reward, I was grateful for it.
A/N: Thank you for your support during this difficult time. It means a lot to me.