Epilogue: The Start of the Rest of My Life
Grudgingly, I, Bella Cullen nee Swan, have to admit that Carlisle and Esme were right. Being frozen in my mid-twenties was definitely wiser than if I had been forever nineteen. When I look back at myself from those years, I shake my head and roll my eyes. There's nothing great about being a teenager, except that it passes. Over the years of being in college, I grew into my body and into my self. Without doubt it was hard work, especially as Esme wouldn't allow me to rest on my laurels. Sure, Victoria's army and the whole of the Volturi charging us with a crime might have made epic scenes in a movie, but they weren't the moments where I was really tested.
It took awhile for me to really grow into a space of being able to trust someone else. Neither of my parents had been especially trustworthy, in that lean on them and they don't break, kind of way. Charlie was consistent, but he simply wasn't a part of my childhood enough to be able to trust him with the hard emotional stuff. So, the first people I grew to trust were Esme and then Carlisle. Not with my safety, which was a far easier commodity to give away, no, with my inner world. Slowly, but surely, Esme broke through my childish ways and in loving gentleness and kindness nudged me into opening up. Over time I learned about a courage beyond facing death: being vulnerable and living with the consequences. The first test of this kind I faced was allowing Esme to see the parts of me that my insecurities and shame kept covered.
The family thinks that Esme's gift is some superpower like Edward's mind reading or Alice's future-seeing. And maybe it is. But I don't think so. I think Edward had it right from the beginning when he told me that Esme's gift was love. She loved me. She was able to see through the teenaged girl who believed herself responsible for the behaviours and actions around her, and who thought obsession and addiction were the signs of ultimate love. Instead of seeing what was in front of her, she saw my potential and through her love helped me remove the obstacles preventing me from becoming the highest version of myself. At twenty-four plus six vampires years I'm not there yet, but certainly a hell of a lot closer than I was at seventeen when we first met.
Ironically, Esme was also right that the best thing I could do for Edward and my relationship was to grow into my best self. So much of my college years were a mixture of self-discovery, learning how to be in a relationship, and making sure that Edward knew that my expectation was for him to keep pace with me. It didn't really matter what age he was when his body was frozen with venom as much as his emotional maturity mattered. And, as is true with most humans, time, or rather events over time, push us towards maturity. In my case the pushing force, even if it didn't seem like it at the time, was Esme.
In those first years of college it was Esme that forced Edward and I to have the difficult conversations, to be honest with one another, and to express our needs as well as our expectations. Simultaneously, she pushed me into figuring myself out, facing the reality of my mother as well as my father, their failings, their strengths, all the gifts they gave me, and all the ways they wounded me. And then, she prodded me into acceptance, forgiveness, and forming adult relationships with each of them that worked for me and my future. Except, it didn't feel forced or pushed or prodded. Instead, it felt like love. It was a tough kind of love, the kind where you want to walk away, because it requires genuine effort. I'd never known love like Esme's, so it took me until after I graduated with my doctorate to be able to see how it was love.
In the beginning of our "sessions," as she referred to them, I was half grateful and half terrified. She must have been weaving her magic on Edward as well, because he started opening up and allowing me to see the true him. As he did, I could see past Edward's vampiric perfections and see the imperfect person. Underneath the stone body was a frightened young man most of all of being rejected, of not being good enough, and I had to wonder the kind of parents he might have had. Eventually, I came to see how similar we were. We both felt inadequate. We were both self-sacrificing. We both took on the responsibility for things outside of our control. We didn't balance each other in these ways, which I came to see was a weakness, even if it did allow us to understand each other.
Growing to find those qualities repulsive and immature in myself, I then grew to have the same feelings about these qualities in Edward. Over time I saw love not as being self-sacrificing, but as trying to meet another's needs without compromising ourselves. I saw taking responsibility for things outside of myself as a controlling nature due to being given an inappropriate amount of responsibility for my age. And I grew to see that my feelings of inadequacy were a poison killing me, and thus damaging any relationship I would try to have with someone else. Once, when Edward and I were in the house alone making dinner together, I told him so, adding that his inadequacies were doing the same to him.
I had completed the moment saying, "Humility is fine and all, but being a pompous ass is no better than believing yourself inadequate. Both are inaccurate representatives of your or my true selves."
That's not to say making those inner changes were easy. There were things I simply wasn't great at, and I came to learn that Edward was good at so many things, because he was a perfectionist rather than it being because he was a vampire. Emmett alone drove that part home.
Us compromising was hard. His turn-of-the-century values clashed with my millennial ones time and time again. No element of our relationship was that more true than physical intimacy. When we finally had agreed a way forward and he moved beyond light kisses and casual touches had been the first time that I began to truly see how our hard work was paying off. Blessedly, his touch ignited me in ways that no frat boy had ever come close. It confirmed for me that despite all the sacrifices, the path I had chosen was worth it. Although, my doubts along the way had seemed to really challenge Esme. Fortunately, she stood by me and believed in me through it all.
Sometimes I almost don't recognise myself in my thoughts and feelings. In those moments more than any other I am so grateful for agreeing to Esme's and Carlisle's request to grow up some. As I did the hard work of healing the wounds accidentally created by my parents, so much about how I saw the world changed. Recognising how young they were when they got married, and how few tools they had to cope with the responsibility of raising a child allowed me to honour them, be grateful for them, and see the ways their lack had become mine.
As the time went by and I grew up Renée became a self-centred teen who wanted to remain young and free rather than face the hard stuff. Or maybe my view of her had changed; it was hard to know for sure. Either way, by the time I graduated college we had become sporadic pen pals. I wished her, and by extension Phil, well, but by my graduation from college the distance between us was clear. She was great fun, but a terrible person to rely upon, and thus not someone I wanted to call friend.
In comparison, I found myself regretful of my treatment of Charlie in the years I had lived with him, and told him as much. He clearly cared about me, was a family man, and was a great step-dad to Seth and Leah. He loved me dearly, but didn't know how to do the emotional work to create intimacy. And knowing my desired future, I didn't put a lot of work into deepening things with him, although it was clear that we were very similar creatures. Once I considered how Edward had qualities like Renee and Charlie, which was an exercise in irony.
As it happened by inches it was hard to see the ways in which I was changing through college, although sometimes Emmett's jokes were a good reminder. However, all the work I had done on myself, Edward had done on himself, and we had done as a couple really was tested when I became pregnant. He wanted to control the situation and blame himself, but he didn't give into those patterns completely. He spoke his fears and listened to my wishes. It was the kind of relationship that I needed, even though I hadn't known it at seventeen. It wasn't high school infatuation. It was an adult, challenging, compromising exchange. He heard and respected my feelings, while I agreed to reasonable alterations for my well-being, even if him carrying me everywhere grated on my nerves. I wasn't a child and getting my way and throwing a tantrum about it wasn't going to help anything. Fortunately, he behaved similarly, since even though the conversations were strained, we muddled through without any negative impacts to our new marriage.
The family's reminders that our child would be raised by everyone and would not be ours in a human sense was a relief for me, as I believed myself more prepared for parenthood than my parents had been, but still not even close to being ready. Ren, as Jasper nicknamed her, was a delight and although I did some parenting, the guidelines for her were mostly decided by Esme and sometimes at family discussions. It was certainly not a usual American way of raising a child, but then again, our family wasn't human.
By the time the Volturi came to put us on trial, our family had learned how to trust and rely on each other. It was intense and we were all afraid, but we leaned upon each other, willing to die together if need be. There were no running away plans. There were no flights of fancy. There was nothing other than doing our damnedest as individuals and as a team to save our own lives. Even Ren was given a role to play. Well, maybe Jasper had contingency plans, but then again he wouldn't be Jasper without having a backup to the backup backup plan. We teased him about it, but then these contingency plans had saved us a few times when I was human, so the teasing was in love.
Esme's gift of love and bringing out the best in others seemed to touch everyone she met. And although the Volturi's decision not to kill us all was probably more strategic than anything, it was interesting to watch her touch the lives of all of our "witnesses". Peter, Charlotte, Russell, Sarah, and Nahuel seemed the most impacted by her, but then I believed her gift only worked if the person was open to receiving her loving ways.
If God was love, then Esme was an ambassador from heaven, even if she was a vampire.
A/N: I thought it would fun to end the story in Bella's pov, since I started it that way. Sadly, this is the last story in this AU. I first posted A Little More Heart in 2016, believe it or not.
The next story I have planned is in Jasper's pov and a completed different world than the one I've been in for the last two years, although of course, still in the Twilightverse. It will definitely be rated M, as it will explore his past as he works through the events he will be facing. If you're interested in that kind of thing, I look forward to having you follow it.
A huge shout out to kiwihipp who Betaed many a chapter in this series. Furthermore, I thank all the people who encouraged me to write this story and supported me through its process and the changes in my life. This story was dedicated to you and words of appreciation are insufficient.